Would I Lie To You? (2007) s10e08 Episode Script

Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You?, the show that separates the truth from the twaddle.
On David Mitchell's team tonight, an EastEnders actor whose character has gone insane, been blackmailed, declared bankrupt, made homeless, held hostage, been jilted and shot.
He might want to think about moving! It's Adam Woodyatt! And a BAFTA award winner who started out in EastEnders but left to pursue a career in acting.
It's Jason Watkins! And on Lee Mack's team tonight, a space scientist and astronomer who once presented a documentary called Do We Really Need The Moon? Of course we do.
Where else would we get all our cheese from? It's Dr Maggie Aderin-Pocock! And a comedian who when he was five wanted to be a clown.
Well, I can tell you those are pretty big shoes to fill.
It's Phil Wang! So, we begin with Round 1 - Home Truths, where our panellists each read out a statement from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've never seen the card before, they've no idea what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
Jason is first up tonight.
Once a week, I go for a walk on my hands.
Lee's team.
Right.
Why? Because I've always been able to do it.
How far can you go? I don't know, well, I once went about .
.
60 yards.
So once a week you do, what's an average? Oh, I don't do that every week.
I do a little walk around the room every week.
Please don't take this the wrong way but you don't look like an athlete.
That's kind of you.
That's very, very kind of you.
What does an athlete look like? I mean Not like you.
Well, in fact none of you, let's be honest.
So you have this ability.
Is this something that you do publicly or privately? I do it I did it at my wedding.
What, you walked down the aisle? Afterwards at the reception, I walked to the side of the stage and my son put a rose in my toe and I walked back and gave it to her.
I'm glad it was your toe.
Well, what are you thinking about this? Listen, I've not read this card out but I could walk on my hands if I had to under pressure.
No, you couldn't.
CHEERING Is there a paramedic? Here we go.
You won't be able to do this.
If you have not done this before I genuinely have never tried to walk on my hands.
There's no way you can do this first go.
No.
Wait, wait, wait.
It's not good enough.
I haven't Shut up! No! No.
Fair dos, it's not as easy as it looks.
APPLAUSE So, what are you going to say then, in light of your pathetic attempt? Lee has now given me the capacity to believe so I'm going to say, yes, true.
Sorry, Lee doing THAT Yes.
You thought Lee's on the verge of getting the hang of it? I thought I have to change something It was closer than you thought, wasn't it? There was a moment when everyone thought, he might be able to do this.
No, there was no moment.
There was no moment.
There was a moment when I thought you were going to kick that gentleman in the face! What do we think, Maggie? I think it's true.
I'll go true as well but he'd better do a demonstration.
All right then.
Jason.
Yes? You walk on your hands once a week.
Truth or lie? Well, it's actually true.
APPLAUSE There you go.
And now of course, we have the delightful prospect.
Would you? CHEERING Where are you going to do it? There.
I see you copied my technique there.
Maggie, you're next.
Possession.
Ah.
There's a box under the desk.
Would you first of all read out the card that's inside the box and then when you've done that, place the object on the desk? This is a piece of rock taken from the surface of the moon and given to me by Buzz Aldrin.
I'm currently using it to wedge my kitchen door open.
All right.
David's team.
I mean obviously this is an odd use of the word "currently.
" I mean Can I just ask how heavy is that piece of rock? Would you like to feel it? If Buzz Aldrin's got it from the moon, love to, yeah.
Does that strike you as moon rock? Has it got a little shine to it? It does, maybe it's Yes.
LEE: Can I just say, you three are looking at that like you know what proper moon rock would look like.
When in fact I can't help thinking you don't know anyway, do you? I've seen moon rock.
Have you? Admittedly from a very, very great distance.
It looks just the same.
Thank you very much.
Has it got sort of some technical scientific name for the type of rock it is other than moon rock? Well, actually, because the moon is covered in all sorts of chemicals, which actually come from the birth of the solar system, so as things sort of coalesced and formed, this is actually sort of a throwback to the birth of the solar system.
And how did Buzz Aldrin come to give it to you? Well, in my capacity at Sky At Night, I meet all sorts of characters.
LAUGHTER I'm aware that Buzz Aldrin went to the moon.
Yes.
I'm quite knowledgeable.
How much of that stuff did he bring back with him? He's got a chunk like that still to give out, you know, decades later.
Does he turn up to every engagement with a rucksack? "Here you go, here you go" I mean, I think I'd be giving out little pebbles at most.
I think they famously don't have pebbles on the moon.
No, but you can break it up, can't you? Not into pebbles.
I mean, you must be able to break it up but otherwise the only bit of moon rock you could bring back would be the whole moon! I'm not sure you could fashion it into the shape of a pebble.
When was this? Oh, so probably about six or seven years ago.
You met him to interview him about, you know Going to the moon, mainly.
And he said, and at the end of the interview, said, "It's been nice meeting you, here's a bit of the moon," or? Well, actually, I've always been fascinated by the moon and so we had this conversation and we were talking about the moon and the effects it has on people and he said well, you know, here's a bit of the moon for you to keep for your very own.
And so he gave me some.
You know before he gave it to you, he didn't pop outside, did he, for a minute? Root around the garden! You didn't see him foraging around the bins by any chance did you? OK, so, what do you think, Adam? Is it adding up for you? No, it's going to be in museums.
I once went to the Vatican City and the lump of moon rock that NASA gave to the Vatican State is on display there and it's about that big and I doubt that Buzz Aldrin would have given you a moon rock, you know, about 100 times the size of the rock that the United States of America gave to a sovereign state.
You know a lot about the moon and a lot about moon rock but I don't think that that is a piece of moon rock, that's my hunch.
So Jason says lie, Adam says lie I also think it's a lie.
Yeah.
Right, Maggie.
Truth or lie? It is actually a lie.
APPLAUSE Yes, it's a lie.
Maggie doesn't use a piece of moon rock to wedge her kitchen door open.
Adam, you're next.
I now practice mindfulness and for ten minutes every day I empty my mind of all other thoughts and I do nothing but stare at a carrot.
Lee's team.
LAUGHTER Everything up until the last word Why would you look at a carrot? I would show you the picture but this goes out before the watershed.
It's a particular shape of carrot and it just distracts me.
What does it? Well, you can describe the shape, can't you? Yes.
Is it part of the anatomy? Yes, that would be correct.
The male anatomy? Yes, it would.
And you find that relaxing to look at? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I'm comfortable with that, that's fine.
It just takes my mind off of things and I relax.
Can I say, a carrot doesn't last forever.
Once the carrot rots, do you use a different carrot? No, it's pickled.
It's in a jar? Yeah.
Where did you get it from? Did Buzz Aldrin give it to you? A couple of years ago, my wife started She got a greenhouse and she started growing veg and it was around the same time I started doing this mindfulness and I found it was sufficient to distract me from anything else I was thinking about because I just look at it, start laughing and forget.
So you thought this was so amusing to look at, you were willing to commit it to pickle? Yeah.
So this joke would last forever? HE GIGGLES I don't think it's a joke.
But you found it amusing? Yeah, it's amusing but it's But through the amusing-ness comes the inner peace.
Yeah.
So you're looking at That's why so many people fall asleep watching your DVDs.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE What do you think, Phil? Is this adding up for you? I practice mindfulness myself and so I know you actually use parsnips not carrots.
It smells a bit off to me.
Maggie? Also I think you need to get into sort of a mind state and I think laughing at a pickled carrot just isn't going to do it.
So, what are we going to say? Truth or lie? It's got to be a lie, hasn't it? It's got to be a lie.
Surely it's a lie.
Adam, truth or lie? It is in fact a lie.
APPLAUSE Our next round is called This Is My where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
This week, each of David's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest and it's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's special guest, Matt.
APPLAUSE So, Adam, what is Matt to you? This is Matt.
He was my window cleaner but I had to let him go when I found out he was afraid of ladders.
Jason, how do you know Matt? This is my estate agent Matt and we once were meant to look at a property but instead we watched a dog give birth.
Finally David, what is your relationship with Matt? This is my car dealer Matt and I once made him change the colour of our car twice because I was offended by its hue.
So there we have it.
Lee's team, where to begin? Jason.
Yes? You were looking round a house at the time, were you, to possibly buy? I was about to, yeah.
We were going to look at a property and as we approached that, someone came out of a neighbouring property and said, you know, "My dog's in distress, can you come and help?" So we did.
What assistance did you think you could give? Well, we did a bit of looking on the phones and working out what we should do.
You were googling it? Yeah.
That is always a worrying sign for a midwife.
When she called you in, then, she didn't know that the dog was about to give birth? No, she didn't know that the dog was pregnant.
Wow.
What did she think was wrong with it? I don't know, that it was sort of, that the stomach was sort of distended or something.
Yes.
Yeah Was she the brightest of people? LAUGHTER Did you then go on and buy that property? No, because it had a rifle range next to it so I didn't bother.
There was a rifle range next to this house and he hadn't mentioned that? If this is true, he's a typical shifty estate agent.
And you see, he didn't even smile or bat an eyelid then, which means he's used to hearing it, he's an estate agent.
What was the dog's name, do you remember? Penny.
Penny? Ah, the penny dropped.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE But what about Adam? Adam, he was your window cleaner but you had to get rid of him because he admitted to being? Scared of ladders.
So, how long had he been your window cleaner for? About two years.
And why hadn't it caused problems up to that point? He was working with a partner, there was another window cleaner.
Oh, he used to do the ground-floor and the other fella used to do the top floor? Yeah.
Oh, come on, really? We just, we genuinely didn't realise until all of a sudden his partner, who was called Matt.
Oh, he was called Matt as well? He was called Matt as well so Matt and Matt Matt.
The other one was called Matt Matt and he was called Matt? No, no, the other one was called Matt Matt and Matt Matt? No, they were both called Matt, so that we could distinguish between Matt and Matt, we called one Matt and the other one Matt Matt.
But that But for the first half of the second name, they're both looking.
Matt, Matt, oh.
Matt, Matt, oh, it's not me.
Wouldn't you be better off calling him Matt and not-Matt because then you've got a different word at the beginning.
Matt and not-Matt would have been a much better system.
PHIL: Or maybe Matthew? Yes.
Still a problem with the M-A, though.
Maaa-atthew.
It is such a huge waste of time though, that millisecond of confusion? I mean, do you think everyone's name should start with a different letter? I'd much prefer that.
Billions of letters so that you don't have that millisecond of, "Ooh, my name begins with D! Oh, no, it's not David, "it's Daniel, I've wasted a part of my life.
" I would prefer that.
So, you'd never noticed that he was always on the ground floor? No, because I was at work.
Why, what do you do? LAUGHTER How did you discover that Matt was afraid of ladders? The specific moment.
Because the upstairs wasn't getting You examined him internally? Oh, hang on.
That's a very strange way of doing it.
I sense fear in you! I don't think you'll be cleaning my windows for much longer.
No wonder he's frightened to go up a ladder! I bet the coming down bit was more scary.
"I'm here! I'm waiting!" I have to say, it's a miracle you could find anyone to come near your windows.
Did you say, "Look, we're going to have to get rid of you," or did he then say, "Look, I can't do this any more"? Obviously, you can't have a window cleaner who can't go up a ladder to clean your windows.
You say like that we're the idiots, you had one, not us.
LAUGHTER No, he knocked it on the head.
He's no longer a window cleaner.
Right, so, you had to sack him, basically? I kind of ducked out of the conversation and left it to my wife.
Right.
He came back round to do the windows and she confronted him about the lack of attention upstairs.
LAUGHTER And did he 'fess up, did he go? All right, so, what about David? Ah yes, you didn't like, you didn't like your Read it again.
This is my car dealer Matt.
I made him change the colour of our car twice because I was offended by its hue.
So, three times in total.
Yes, it's been three colours.
Yeah, what was the first colour? What did you buy it as? What colour? Grey.
What was the model? It's a BMW and it's Er I can't quite remember the I think it's an It never ceases to amaze me how cruel it was that you were overlooked for the Top Gear job.
No, well I, you know, they kept They wanted me to learn to drive.
I've never driven this car.
I've only sat in it.
Are you telling us or the police? Because that sounded like an alibi to me.
"I have never! "And neither have I ever put a dead body in the boot.
" So then, did you? When you bought the grey car, did you want it in grey at that time, or was there always an immediate Was there an immediate, "We want it but we want to re-sprayed"? It was an immediate "We want it and we want it a different colour," and then we were advised not to get it re-sprayed but to get it wrapped.
What does that mean? It's a thing you can do to a car to change its colour other than re-spraying it.
I think it's called a vinyl wrap.
Are you getting mixed up with some sort of album from the 1980s? That's for you to judge.
What was your vinyl wrap colour? Well, we wanted it dark green, like British racing green.
Yeah.
Can I ask a question? This type of BMW you bought, does it not come in racing green? Well, I don't know, but it was hard enough to find that we didn't want to They are quite rare aren't they, BMWs? They're very, very rare.
David, you don't drive.
Mh-mm.
How did you get into the dealership? We actually did all of the buying and everything via e-mail and the phone, but I will say, my wife can drive.
Which was very much why we were looking to buy a car.
You know, if neither of us could drive, it's basically just a very, very expensive shed.
OK, you said racing green, then the car arrives or you go to get it and what colour is it? More of a felt tip, more of a Kermit green.
So which colour did you go for next? Blue.
Dark blue.
And how has that panned out for you? It's nice.
LAUGHTER All right.
We need an answer.
So, Lee's team.
Is Matt Adam's worried window washer, Jason's puppy pal or David's colourful car dealer? I'm feeling Jason because he came up with a couple of really nice details very quickly, like the shooting range and Penny.
What about Adam's? He's making life hard for himself.
If he's making this up and he's decided to call both the window cleaners Matt and then he has to invent another so he called him Matt Matt.
How big is your house, Adam? Because it doesn't look very big on EastEnders.
And what about David and his car? Now, David and his car's an interesting one because I can believe this of David.
The bit I can most believe is a burly mechanic coming round or burly salesman going, "I know that's not what you ordered, but you're having it.
" And David going, "OK, thank you.
" That's the bit I most believe.
So, what do we think? I'll go for Jason.
You think it's Jason? What are you thinking, Phil? I'm thinking Jason.
Oh, you're thinking Jason as well.
Go on, we'll go with my team then and say Jason.
OK.
Matt, would you please reveal your true identity.
I'm Matt and David made me change the colour of his car twice.
APPLAUSE Thank you very much, Matt.
Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies.
And we start with It's Lee.
On the first day of my holiday I lost my glasses, so I was forced to read an entire book through a set of binoculars I found in the villa.
David's team.
I've been here all day and I haven't seen you wear glasses.
Well, that's because I wear contact lenses.
Why didn't you wear contact lenses? Because I didn't take them on that particular holiday.
What was the book? The book? Well LAUGHTER The Kipper.
By? Brian Fish.
A book called The Kipper by Brian Fish? I haven't read it or heard of it.
What's the genre of this book? It's a thriller.
Right.
The Kipper was the codename for a spy.
Where were you on holiday? I was actually in Malaysia.
What part of Malaysia? Coconut Island! LAUGHTER What make were the binoculars? I think you'll find I didn't have my glasses, how do I know that? APPLAUSE I mean, don't get me wrong, I tried to look through my binoculars to find out and I even looked into the mirror but it just wasn't working out, the whole thing, I was like Because the book had to be a long way away from me.
Sorry, it had to be a long way away from you? Otherwise, it's so close to when you get to the thrilling bits, it's too scary.
"He got killed!" HE SCREAMS So I have to, it's How did you set it up? The book was at the other end of the, we had a little pool in the villa, and it was on the other end of the pool and I would sit there like that.
And then How would you turn the pages? I'd put it down there and then I'd get up and I'd walk, turn the page, crease it and back round again.
So, you got there and you'd forgotten your glasses? Correct.
How did you manage to get there without realising? Because I forgot them.
I left them somewhere en route.
Right.
Where? I put them down like this in the taxi.
I stepped out for a second, I was literally rubbing my eyes like that.
The taxi's gone.
I know.
Unbelievable.
That's the exact word I was thinking of.
You hadn't arrived at your destination? I took the glasses off for a second, like that.
To put them down in the taxi? But there's a reason I took them, put them down for a second.
Yeah.
They're my proper glasses.
To put on my sunglasses when I get out the car.
The sunglasses are prescription.
Yeah.
I step out the car, he drives off, I've left the glasses in the back, I can now see perfectly clearly through the sunglasses.
I know what you're going to ask me, so I'll just get that point.
During the holiday, I then lost the sunglasses.
Another taxi? No, I just I was in the sea.
You were in the sea and what, you put them on a dolphin? Well, I didn't know it was a dolphin, I thought it was one of those glasses rests.
No, I just put them down, oh, I didn't put them down, I put them on and then I went into the sea, had a little swim and then a big wave came like that and went, whoosh, like that.
That's not the bit that knocked my glasses off, though.
I just stood up and went "Wow, look at that wave!" And then I'd lost them.
Yeah.
I'm going to have to spend the next whatever it was, two weeks, without my sunglasses.
So, I just stayed Reading a book from one end of a pool to another with your binoculars.
It was awful.
Everything was like that, even the foreplay.
I said, "Go over there so I can have a good look.
"Yes, very pleasant, thank you," and then I'd walk over.
And she'd say, "Do I look sexy in this?" I think, "Oh, hang on.
" So, what are you thinking? I wear glasses.
You are so protective of your glasses.
There are various implausible moments in this story.
I would say the losing of sunglasses in the sea is not the most implausible.
I would say it is the image of Lee sitting at one end of a swimming pool with his binoculars and a book propped up at the other end of the swimming pool, a swimming pool he has to walk round in order to turn the page.
So, you're saying it's a lie? Well, I would say it was a lie.
I think we're saying lie, I think we're unanimous on that.
All right.
So, Lee, truth or lie? It is in fact, where's the button? LAUGHTER Tell me when I'm close.
Yay! A lie! Yes, it's a lie.
Lee didn't read an entire book through binoculars.
Next It's David.
HE CHUCKLES Lie by the sounds of it.
No, no, I'm just chuckling away to myself.
I can no longer I can no longer drink orange squash I'm telling you, I think I've become hysterical.
I can no longer drink orange squash because it sends me berserk.
LAUGHTER Lee.
And when did you discover this? Oh, I discovered it last summer.
And what kind of berserk are we talking? Really sort of very giggly and odd and rude.
Imagine I'm in a garden with you and you've just had quite a bit of orange squash and I say, "Hey, how are you doing?" AGGRESSIVELY: I'm all right, what about you? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Yeah, I'm fine.
And I sort of realise, hang on, that was misjudged, I was trying to be friendly but I seemed really harsh.
I haven't seen you for a while, is your wife here? HARSHLY: I don't know, why don't you look for her? SHE'S PROBABLY OUT THERE RE-WRAPPING THE CAR AGAIN! Yeah! What was this event? It was a party of friends, in a garden at a friend's house.
Right, how did people react when you became berserk? I think those people were kind but actually it was my wife essentially said "You've gone a bit weird "and maybe we should go, have a glass of water.
" You've had too many, love.
So, what are you going to say? Is he telling the truth? Maggie, you think it's I think it's a lie.
You think it's a lie.
Phil? I say it's a lie.
Well, if my team says it's a lie, then I will overrule and say it's the truth.
You think it's the truth? I might overrule for once, I never overrule.
Go on, then.
I'm feeling a bit like, do you know why? I had a small Sunny Delight before the show and I'm feeling a bit like, "Yeah, whatever!" David, they're saying it's the truth.
Is it the truth or is it a lie? It is a lie.
APPLAUSE BUZZER And that noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show and I can reveal that David's team have won by four points to two.
Thanks for watching, good night.
Everyone's living these amazing lives, and I'm stuck! It's an illusion.
Adam? Holly.
How long's? Oh, years.
We should catch up.