Shameless US s10e09 Episode Script
O Captain, My Captain
1 Who are you? Oh.
I'm supposed to do what? Yeah, w-no, I got a-I got a baby.
I've had two hours of sleep.
I don't have time for this.
It Fine.
Here's what you missed last week.
[softly.]
Okay.
[rock music.]
[Faye.]
Do you wanna join me? Faye Donahue.
Is that you? [Faye.]
At high school graduation.
Right before everything changed forever.
Kyle Holmes was my fiancé.
Who is this Kyle guy? You know what you did! I don't.
I swear.
[Claudia.]
Claudia Nicolo.
I left you a little something on the nightstand.
- [Debbie.]
I'm not a prostitute.
- [Claudia.]
Yes, I did think you were a prostitute when I picked you up on Ho Corner, but I see now that you are more than that.
Oh, hello.
Aunt Oopie here.
Aunt Oopie's got everything covered here.
I'm gonna teach Fred and that little colored boy about the Gettysburg Address.
I'm sorry.
Wha-what was that part? She can't be Fred's guardian, Tami.
She's racist as fuck.
Miss Brenda, are you inviting me to the cookout? I am inviting you to the cookout.
Look at all these beautiful, highly educated, wealthy black people.
- All doctors? - Mm-hmm.
I love it.
What the shit is this? [Lieutenant Cody.]
Our youth leader program.
[Carl.]
These are our future police? - Doubt it.
- [Carl.]
Your mission: police this neighborhood between point A and B.
Move out! Go! Go! Go! Go! I think we should get married.
What? Then we can't testify against each other.
Staying out of jail's a crap reason to get married.
No.
We fucking love each other.
That's why we're gonna get married.
It's marriage that I don't know if I love.
I wanna know how you feel, you know? [blow lands.]
Fuck.
[rock music.]
Think of all the luck you got Know that it's not for naught You were beaming once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? Round up the friends you got Know that they're not for naught You were willing once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? Mm.
[exhales happily.]
[engine rumbling.]
[grunts.]
[horn honks.]
[rumbling continues.]
[driving acoustic music.]
Oh, my baby, I'm alive So be careful of these feelings we get high on Till it's dead and gone Who's riding a lawn mower around the block? Ooh, ooh [Ian.]
Gotta be kidding me.
I'm miles and miles away I'm Miles and miles - Away - [door slams.]
Oh, hey.
Why don't you get out of here? I'll call you later.
Who's that? Byron.
Cute, huh? Super tight asshole.
You're a top now? Verse.
Who knew? Ooh, baby, stay awake Hey, you seen this? Jesus! It's the hospital bill.
Childbirth, emergency surgery, ICU How much? Thirty-six hundred.
- Wow.
- That's after insurance.
I mean, how are we gonna pay this? - [Lip sighs.]
- [Tami.]
Here.
That's easy.
We're not.
We already brought him home.
What are they gonna do? Take him back? Well, they delivered our baby and saved my life.
Yeah, and that was their choice.
They didn't give me the option of leaving Fred in the oven or letting you die on the operating table.
So you would've let me die? I mean, if I knew it was gonna cost us four grand yeah, maybe.
[chuckles.]
Look, we have to pay this.
Tami, no, we don't.
Isn't not paying your bills stealing? No.
Charging us money while your life is on the line, that's extortion.
- Right? - Hmm.
We're, uh, Robin Hooding, you know? We're stealing from the rich, giving to the poor.
You're not Robin Hood.
Yeah, but I'm poor.
So, what, so you steal stuff? Sometimes.
Like what? [chuckling.]
I don't know.
It's a long list.
Okay, well, like, uh, food from the grocery store? Yeah, like food from anywhere.
Money? [sighs.]
That a real question? What-cars? No.
But, uh, never say never.
Wow.
"Wow" what? No, you're just exactly the role model I always wanted for my kid.
[reporter over TV.]
Next up, a Florida man was found dead today, facedown in the lobster tank of a Tampa grocery store.
Here you go.
A proper breakfast.
The sugar in this cereal will kill you.
In your case, however, I suspect that your lifestyle will kill you - before your diet does.
- Ah.
Was that Mickey this morning? - [Ian.]
Yup.
- Where's he been? With a twink named Byron.
Twink? You know, like Ms.
Del Rey's kid.
Yoga pants and glitter.
Eh, not always.
But yeah, sure.
So if you tell someone you're not marrying them, that means they can sleep with other people? No.
But Mickey's emotional IQ is lower than Carl's actual IQ.
Shit.
You're fucked, dude.
Nah, he'll work it out of his system and we'll talk it out like adults.
It'll be fine.
Hang on to your wallets, everyone.
Lip is here.
[Oopie.]
Oh, there's my gorgeous niece.
Prettier mwah than Megyn Kelly and smarter too.
Oh, objectified by America and sexually harassed by your bosses? It's every girl's dream.
- Megyn Kelly? - A blonde news host.
She thinks Santa's white.
He's not? - No.
- Yes, honeybun! [Lip.]
Hey, did I hear a girly bike pull up this morning? - Mickey.
- He's dating a twink now.
Oh, so you leaving him at the altar, that's become a thing, huh? I-I didn't leave him at the altar.
- [Liam and Lip.]
Yes, you did.
- [Tami.]
I mean It was City Hall.
We were only getting married to outsmart the cops.
You made the right decision.
Marriage is a sacred union between a man and a woman.
[Tami.]
What's that smell? Self-righteousness.
No.
The air smells clean.
Where is Frank? Haven't seen him in a while.
[Lip.]
Enjoy it while it lasts.
He'll be back to stinking up the place in no time, right? Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh Oh, there you go.
[judge.]
Frank Gallagher, the court reduces your charge to a misdemeanor and sentences you to 30 days in rehab.
The deviant thug who tried to steal this bright young man's future, Kyle Holmes, I hereby sentence you to 45 years in prison.
- [tape rewinds.]
- Sentences you to 30 days in rehab.
Forty-five years for possession.
Thirty days in rehab.
Forty-five years.
Thirty days in rehab.
- Forty - [remote clicks.]
Good morning.
Do you need a diaper change? Please let me go.
As soon as you admit what you did to my poor Kyle.
I told you, I don't remember who Kyle is.
Liar.
Maybe if I had a drink.
I'm a lot more lucid when I'm drunk.
Sounds like a lovely idea.
Is that a Balvenie? Thirty year? Don't! Oh, don't! Don't! Don't! No, please, don't do that! Tell me what you did to Kyle.
Do you have any idea how many millions of brain cells I've destroyed since the '90s? I'm so sober right now, I can't even make anything up! Tell me the truth.
I don't remember! I don't! I'm sorry, but I don't.
[breathing heavily.]
You really don't remember? I swear.
Please.
Then I'm gonna have to make you remember.
[rock music.]
Bring your chastity belt, Jerry, because I am going to fuck everybody who had anything to do with this shit show of a deal, starting with you! [sighs.]
Oh, I'm sorry, pussycat.
Did I wake you? [chuckles.]
Mm.
Ugh.
My lunch has turned into a teleconference with Dubai.
Can I impose on you to do me a favor? Of course.
What? Great.
Um, can you pick Julia up after school? - Julia? - My kid.
Oh.
Did I not tell you about her? - [laughing.]
No.
- [chuckles.]
But that's cool.
I didn't tell you about my kid either.
Franny.
She's four.
Oh, God.
They are so perfect at that age, aren't they? [sighs.]
Okay, so St.
Judith Prep, 2:30-ish.
She has a class that she goes to after.
She knows how to get you there.
You don't think it'll be kind of weird, some strange woman showing up, saying, "Get in my car, little girl"? Uh, no.
She's used to it by now.
All right, platinum card is on the dresser for a snack, but it has to be healthy.
She is going to throw one of her tantrums for something fried.
She's a terror.
Stay strong.
Later, girlfriend.
"Girlfriend"? Oh.
No, I-I just meant, uh, friend that's a girl.
Right? I like "girlfriend.
" Me too.
Ooh! Bye.
It's magnificent.
It's just magnificent.
V, do I gotta cover 'em up? Naked breasts don't exactly say "quality health care.
" They do if we provide mammograms.
Can we? No.
Basic stuff only.
Superglue for small cuts and minor gunshot wounds, needle and thread for bigger stab wounds, Popsicle sticks for sprained fingers, and Vicks VapoRub for everything else.
Hey, did you spend the rest of that cash from those snail patch hemorrhoid things? Got just enough money for a tank of gas, so we gotta make money if we wanna sustain this operation.
Aw, babe, we're gonna make a killing.
Are you kidding me? The uninsured South Side needs medical care.
No more going to urgent care and spending $150 to pop in a dislocated finger.
- Nurse V can do it for 20.
- I was never a nurse.
You were a nurse's aide.
Potato, potato.
South Side needs medical care.
We need cash to raise our girls.
This is your best side-hustle idea ever.
Well, get this thing painted while I go set up Hazel behind the bar.
I'm gonna take a minute just to say good-bye.
All right? [stomping rock music.]
Good-bye, Veronica's titties.
Good-bye, Svetlana's titties.
[sighs.]
[grunts, groans.]
Throw a pussy punch like that, and you don't deserve balls.
Nobody fights fair on the streets, people! [Rucker.]
Gallagher! Am I being too hard on them, sir? No, on the contrary, son.
90 percent of 'em have trust funds.
You have carte blanche to turn these girls into men.
Carte what, sir? Ride 'em hard.
Put 'em down wet.
Yes, sir.
I'd like to take them out in the community, do a few exercises, show 'em what the real world's like.
Good idea.
Bring 'em back at the end of the day.
- Give me a full report.
- Yes, sir.
Aidan! You're up.
Hey.
Hey.
So, uh[exhales.]
Byron, huh? Pretty great, right? Little on the young side, but, uh, eager to please, if you catch what I'm throwin'.
Oh, yeah.
No, I'm catchin'.
Think he's rich too.
Last name's Koch.
Sounds kind of familiar.
Anyway, he's, uh, getting a PhD thing.
He wants to be a professor of some language out of a place called Britain.
You mean English? Oh, yeah, probably.
I don't know.
He couldn't really talk with my cock in his mouth.
Okay.
- About the other day - It's cool.
No.
It's not that I don't wanna get married, Mickey.
It's just, I-I wanna take a little time, make sure we're both ready, you know? You did us both a favor, all right, 'cause I'm in love with Byron.
In love? Moving in with him.
When? What do you mean when? Now.
Thought you only knew each other a couple days.
Met last night, but when you know, you know.
You know? [Faye.]
What do you love most in the entire world, Frank? My kids? Fuck am I saying? Um opioids.
Detoxing is tough.
Isn't it? [sinister music.]
Dangerous too.
Kidney failure, heart attack, stroke.
We're gonna play [pills clatter.]
the carrot and stick game, see if we can't jog your memory.
Carrot.
Do you have any idea how you would know Kyle? We grew up together.
- Stick.
- Jesus! Let's try this again.
Carrot.
How do you know Kyle? We robbed a gas station together.
We exchanged hand jobs.
- I d - Stick! No! Don't do We, um - we - [Faye sighs.]
- we - Stick.
w-we College.
We went to college together.
[chuckles.]
See? Isn't that easy? - Carrot.
- [chuckles.]
Ah, sweet Jesus.
Thank you.
Dig deep.
Who was Kyle? [clicks tongue.]
He was a football player.
More.
He was, um a wide receiver.
- Stick! - No! [sobs.]
[Latin pop music playing.]
[woman.]
Fuck you.
Fuck you, you shitty shit-fuck.
What the fuck? - Hey, everything all right? - No! No, I put my card in for a withdrawal, and this piece of shit never spit out my cash.
I'm just gonna go talk to someone inside.
Spare some change? - I ain't got nothing.
- [ATM beeping.]
[grunts.]
Okay.
[upbeat rock music.]
Fuck you, Tami.
Hey, miss? Miss! Motherfuck Give me that money back! Come on! - [truck playing jingle.]
- "Nurse V's Jiffy Care.
Sprains, cuts, burns, minor stab wounds.
Come one, come all.
Twenty bucks.
Mental cases and the" "Litigious.
" "litigious need not apply.
" Hi.
[woman.]
Got anything for my pink eye? Sure do, ma'am.
Come on around.
I just turned my ankle.
[Kev.]
Well, hobble your ass over.
We'll put it on ice and wrap it up for you.
I cut my finger! It's almost to the bone.
Well, bring your cut self down here, Mrs.
Stapleton.
We'll glue you right up.
[cheery rock music.]
What seems to be the problem? - Oh, my God.
- Oh! Oh, dear.
Lies.
Deep state lies.
Liberal lies.
Do you have a trigonometry calculator? [Ian, sarcastically.]
Yeah, in the drawer with the First Folio of Shakespeare.
Did you know that half of all marriages end in divorce? Half.
I mean, what the hell's even the point? Tax breaks.
Only helps if you pay taxes.
- [door bangs open.]
- Law enforcement! Hands where I can see them! You two, upstairs.
Check for perps.
You four, kitchen and basement.
Ma'am, I'ma need you on the floor now! Not a chance.
I know my rights.
We know our rights, don't we? [Scout.]
We have a white male and a minority in the kitchen, sir.
I need you two on the ground now.
- No.
- Shut the fuck up.
Dude, you're making me look ad-bay in front of the cadets-cay.
Oh, fuck.
Basement's clear, sir.
Upstairs is clear too.
[door squeaks open.]
Aidan, pat her down.
Look, touch me, I will fuck you up.
Aidan, step down.
Ma'am, where are you going? To cut hair, Carl.
Mind if we use the RV for official police business? You're not allowed within 20 feet of my underwear drawer.
I just need a place that's small and depressing, somewhere that'll break a man's spirit.
Sounds like your room.
- [snickers.]
- Cadets, upstairs for official interrogation training.
- [Tami.]
Nice dress.
- Thanks.
Hey.
Hey.
Did you guys know rich people count the number of threads in their sheets? Fuck that.
I can't even count the number of stains in mine.
You sleep at that lady's place? Yup.
She's got a Jacuzzi tub in the master bedroom.
Think I might be in love.
Whatever you do, don't marry her.
Fifty percent of all marriages end in divorce.
Straight ones, anyway.
No data on the gay ones, but gotta be in the ballpark.
How come you're looking up marriage stats? 'Cause Mickey's a punk and he's decided he's gonna fuck other people if I don't marry him.
A glittery twink named Byron.
[Ian.]
But I mean, look at the stats.
What's the point? Sounds like you're scared.
Of what? You love him, right? - Yeah.
- [Debbie.]
Then marry him.
Make him happy.
If you gotta get a divorce, do it.
Then you'll move on.
But at least you'll be happy for a while.
I gotta go get changed, pick up my stepdaughter-to-be.
Stepdaughter? I'm not scared.
- [scoffs.]
Okay.
- I'm not.
Fuck it.
You wanna help me run an errand? Can we get a trig calculator? - Sure, nerd.
- We're gonna need money.
[Fred cooing.]
[surf rock music.]
Let's ride.
[Frank.]
He was a running back.
- [Faye.]
Stick! - [hammer bangs.]
[Frank.]
Uh, I mean a lineman.
- [Faye.]
Stick! - [hammer bangs.]
[Frank.]
Quarterback.
He was a quarterback.
[Frank chuckles.]
Carrot.
[chuckles.]
A black quarterback in the '90s.
- Good for him.
- Continue.
Um he was a-um, a sen - Uh, fresh - Fresh - Freshman.
- Yeah.
Uh, it was '95.
So I was a senior.
A senior? I figured you were a grad student, an old one.
No, no, I was a tenth-year senior.
Continue.
[faint rap music.]
- [music continues over radio.]
- Mm-mm! Stuff's gonna mess you up, man.
Yeah, that's the point.
We got high together.
[Faye.]
Stick.
- I me! - Kyle never got high.
I meant me.
I got high, not Kyle.
Drugs bad.
I was high on pot.
I mean crack.
- [siren whoops.]
- Aw, shit.
[Frank.]
The cops busted us - [policeman.]
Hands where I can see 'em.
- for, um possession, and - Stick! - But wait.
The-the-the, um the the crack was mine.
They busted me for possession, which means they must've busted him for being black.
[indistinct police radio chatter.]
Dealing.
They thought he was my dealer.
I knew it.
I knew you couldn't have forgotten him completely.
You were right.
Can I have that Oxy now? - Please? - Oh, honey.
You have earned a lot more than one.
[rock music.]
[music continues over radio.]
What happened to you? Ah, some asshole stole this chick's cash from an ATM machine, and I chased him down.
Look at you, superhero.
How much did he take? Couple hundred.
You give the money back? Hell no.
Bought us some Devil Dawgs.
Hey, all right.
The rest of the money's going towards Tami's medical bills.
Thirty-six hundred.
3,400 now.
So you only need to steal $200 what, 17 more times? [chuckles.]
Hey, you, uh think I should've given the cash back? You know, to the ATM chick? What'd she look like? Uh, she had a yoga mat.
Fuck that.
You should've stolen her purse too.
Uh, Tami's got me questioning my morality.
You know, she says I'm a-I'm a bad role model for the kid.
[scoffs.]
Role models and morals are for the comfortably middle-class.
Rich people don't have 'em, and working guys like us can't afford 'em.
I got another one for you, Bradley.
Like this asshole.
Think he has morals? What have you done to that bike this time, Tully? [sighs.]
You have to use these every time, Solomon.
And stick this snail patch down there.
It burns the warts right off.
Candace Madson, come on down.
Should we order more of those snail patch thingies? Hell no.
We should have the girls dig around in the backyard for snails and make our own.
[Kev.]
Ms.
Madson, how you doing? What kind of jiffy care can Nurse V do for you today? [Candace.]
It's actually not for me.
It's for my daughter Jamie.
We've tried a bunch of other places in town Clinics, hospitals, and such But they're all out of network, so insurance won't cover what she needs, and we can't afford to pay out of pocket.
Out of network? Where are you from? [Candace.]
Missouri.
You can't get what you need in Missouri? Not anymore.
That's terrible.
What is it, honey? It's okay.
An abortion.
[funky music.]
- [knocking.]
- Debbie? I'm Julia.
I dig your car.
[chuckles.]
- You're Julia? - You sound surprised.
I just-I thought you'd be, uh Uh, prettier? - No.
- [chuckles.]
- Uh, younger.
- Oh, yeah.
Well, I thought you would be older.
Most of my mom's hookers are.
I'm not a hooker.
Your mom and I are dating.
That's cool.
I'm dating your mom too.
My mom's dead.
Wow.
Uh, this is gonna be a fun afternoon.
I'm sorry.
Does underage underwear make you uncomfortable? No.
Good.
Just, Catholic school uniforms.
Am I right? Okay, so your mom said I'm supposed to take you to some class? She didn't tell you where? She said you knew where it was.
Awesome.
Uh, just head towards Fulton.
I'll get us there.
Okay.
You know you're supposed to stop at stop signs, right? The Prius came out of nowhere, man.
[cell phone ringing.]
Sorry.
Gotta take this.
Dr.
Peterson.
Talk to me.
He's a chiropractor.
That's, like, a fake doctor.
What do you think? - The thing's fucked.
- Yeah.
Cost me five grand just in parts, then two guys, two weeks to do it.
We're looking at more than nine grand.
We could turn over three bikes at four grand each in that time.
Gotta quote him at least that.
This bike even worth 12 grand? - No.
- No.
- [Tully.]
So what do you think, Bradley? - Start at 11, settle for ten.
- Huh? - Well, Tully can't do it for less than 12.
Jeez, man.
I can get a new Harley for a couple grand more.
With parts and labor, I can't go lower than that.
But I was telling Lip, he needs practice, or I may have to can him for a more experienced guy.
What? Maybe he could take it on.
You know, learning project or whatever.
What do you think, Lip? Oh, yeah.
I mean I don't know, man.
It's a big job, you know.
Mm.
Probably bigger than you can handle.
- Eh.
- Never mind.
No, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait.
How much would you need, Lip? Eleven grand? Still sounds high, man.
[Brad.]
Mm.
I agree.
If he had said ten Would you do it for ten? Mm I don't know.
Why not? - [Brad.]
All right.
- [Tully.]
All right.
[Brad.]
Great.
Uh, wheel it over to the corner.
Lip'll take it from there.
Looks like you won't have to steal anything for a while.
[Carl.]
Where were you when our greatest president was shot? Obama was shot? No.
Reagan.
- [Ravi.]
I wasn't born yet.
- I don't believe you.
Francesca, hit him.
No, no, no! Never the face.
Torso only.
[snaps fingers.]
And use this.
Won't leave marks.
Standard interrogation techniques, people.
You'll need them.
So learn them well.
Ready, Ravi? Hit me.
You heard the man.
[Ravi grunts.]
Jesus fuck.
Why is it so clean in here? The maid comes twice a week.
Wow.
Nice bed.
Where are you gonna sleep? I figured we'd share it? Ah, no, that ain't gonna work.
You can sleep on the floor.
Look, this is how this is gonna work.
I like to eat around seven every night.
Any later than that, I get the GERD something nasty.
So if you could, uh, get your maid lady to cook us up something for around then, that'd be swell.
We have sex whenever I feel like it.
Obviously, I'll be the top, since you're pretty much a chick.
But you are gonna have to stick something up my ass every once in a while, or I'm gonna get real bitchy.
This does not fall under the scope of Nurse V's Jiffy Care.
[Veronica.]
She's a 15-year-old Missouri girl who's ten weeks pregnant, and some old white assholes decided she can't terminate her pregnancy in her state after eight weeks.
What's she supposed to do, risk her life in some back-alley abortion? We'll take her to the clinic.
How much are one of those, Dr.
Brenda? Without insurance, it'll run at least $400.
That's not that much.
They're on the SNAP program.
They can barely afford to eat.
What about one of those free clinics? Clinics won't touch an out-of-state patient, free or not.
There's always a medical abortion.
Mifepristone.
Two pills taken over a couple of days.
Great, let's point 'em to Rite Aid and send them on their way.
Uh, how much does that cost? About the same.
But I could always write the prescription in Veronica's name.
I mean, with insurance, it's only a $20 copay.
- You have insurance? - Obamacare.
So great, on top of all this, we're running an insurance scam now? She's 15.
Having a baby this young could ruin her life.
We started V's Jiffy Care to do some good.
At least it's the lesser of two evils.
We both have to agree if we're gonna do this.
But remember before you answer, if you say no, you're just another man standing in the way of a woman's future.
[funky music.]
All right, Jamie, I think we found a solution.
I hope you don't mind.
We told a few friends.
- [girl 1.]
Hi.
- [girl 2.]
Nice to meet you.
- [girl 3.]
Hi.
- [girl 4.]
Hello.
[singsongy.]
Open up.
[gasps happily.]
Mm-hmm! [slurring.]
Am I to blame? Probably not, but for the purposes of discussion, we'll say yes.
But I was a dumb kid then.
If we're to be punished for the things we did as kids, how is anyone ever gonna become president or Supreme Court justice? - Another one? - Yes, please.
And, uh Can I[clears throat.]
really be held responsible for the racism inherent in the criminal justice system? I mean, I didn't tell them he was my dealer.
They assumed it.
- Another one? - Mm! And really, the cops can be forgiven for their mistake.
It was the '90s.
Black people really were drug dealers then.
Mm.
One more? How many is this? Five.
[chuckles.]
There you go.
Why are you suddenly being nice to me? Who said anything about being nice? Now that you remember exactly how you destroyed Kyle's life, I can get on with making you pay for it.
Filling me full of Oxy? Mm.
I need you in an opioid coma but not, you know, dead.
Want a sip? It's, uh, root beer.
Out of a straw? No, thanks.
What's wrong with a straw? Nothing, if you don't like the environment, which clearly you don't, with your plastic straws and your pre-emission standards Subaru.
You said you liked my car.
[laughs.]
Yeah.
It's called sarcasm.
You know 90 percent of turtles will be born with plastic straws in their bodies in the next ten years due largely to you and the - Me? - billions of straws Chicagoans discard carelessly - Billions? - into Lake Michigan which inevitably churn their way through the Great Lakes system and then down the Saint Lawrence Seaway - and out - Saint Lawrence Seaway? into the Atlantic Ocean, where global water currents evenly distribute them throughout the world.
My anti-straw Facebook group is staging a massive protest this week.
Your anti-straw Facebook group? Yuk it up, Big Gulp.
It's my generation that's gonna have to save the world that your generation shit all over.
Okay, I'm, like, three years older than you.
So my generation is your generation.
And you don't have a corner on saving the world.
Up until a week ago, I was on strike.
So I'm basically the definition of pro-labor feminism.
[giggling.]
Thanks, Norma Rae.
A lot of good pro-labor feminism is gonna do us after sea levels rise 40 feet.
Well, you know whose fault that's gonna be? Rich people.
Flying all around the world in your private jets Okay, that's not ours.
It's the company's.
living in your air-conditioned mansions, blaming poor people and our straws for destroying the planet.
Not everyone can be born sucking organic kombucha out of a potato-starch bottle.
- Okay, turn here.
- Huh? [Julia.]
We're here.
Just turn here.
Your class is at Georgee's Pizza? No.
I'm just hungry.
Your mom said no unhealthy food.
Yeah, and my mom also said you're not a hooker.
- So - Fuck you, Riverdale.
Tell me where your class is.
- No.
- Tell me.
No! Fine.
- Hey.
What are you doing? - [touch-tones beeping.]
- Calling your mom.
- [line trills.]
Jesus.
Fine.
Okay, I-I'll tell you.
On one condition.
What? You want me to do this class so bad, you have to do it with me.
[announcer over TV.]
Okay, let me see that one.
Why am I here again? To try these on.
Mickey has freakishly small hands.
What do you think? Slip it on my finger.
I need the full effect.
Here you go.
Brushed white gold, matte finish, round edges.
Tastefully simple.
I approve.
How much for two of 'em? - Four hundred each.
- Nope.
Uh, 400 for the pair.
Final offer.
It's on Aunt Oopie.
Do you take cards? Twenty-first century, kid.
Everybody takes cards.
The hell is a spin class? It's a sweaty, anorexic Nazi screaming motivational shit at you while you ride a bike that goes literally nowhere.
Why would anyone wanna do that? My mom makes me.
She thinks I'm fat.
You're just a puppet in her body-shaming shit show.
Hi, I'm Julia.
I'm checking in for class.
And can I buy a class for my mom's hooker, Debbie? - Not a hooker.
- [Julia.]
And we're gonna need to buy her shorts and a T-shirt.
But you can just put it on my mom's account.
Claudia Nicolo.
Uh, no, thank you.
I'm actually all good.
You think my mom does this because she loves me? [laughs.]
Time to see what being loved by my mom really feels like.
[trainer.]
What kind of person do you wanna be today? Up, up, up, up, up! You coming? [trainer.]
Let's see that tattoo.
Let's go! We're gonna need more prescriptions.
Well, how many more? [Kev.]
Seven.
I can't write more than one prescription for the abortion pill in Veronica's name.
We-I'd lose my license.
What if you didn't write it? What if you were to, say, misplace your scrip pad and whoever found it were to anonymously write a whole bunch of prescriptions before you even realized it was gone? Mm.
Well, even if I were to misplace my scrip pad, whoever found it would have to write prescriptions in other people's names.
They're not gonna give more than one set of pills to the same person.
I'm sure whoever found it would figure something out.
Are we still talking about us? They're scared little girls, Bren.
Ten years ago, that could've been you and me.
I can't, V.
I'm sorry.
[sighs.]
Ugh.
See you.
[Veronica.]
See you.
Don't be a hero! I swear I'll bury a bullet in his head.
Can someone be a hero, please? The Sox game's about to start.
[splatting.]
[patrons gasp.]
Nine times out of ten, a guy holding a gun to another guy's head does not have the intention of pulling the trigger.
If you have a clean shot, take it.
That's terrible advice.
Let's reset.
Ah, the first inning's started.
- I'm out.
- Ooh.
I'll do it.
L-looks fun.
Cool.
Francesca, you're up.
And go.
Don't be a hero.
I swear I'll - [pellet splats.]
- [shouts.]
- [Carl.]
Oh.
- [groans.]
Shoot the hostage.
I like your style.
[Tommy laughs.]
I don't think this is gonna work.
Well, we're giving it a try, 'cause six pregnant teenagers don't wanna be raising babies instead of graduating high school.
Hey, Gracie.
They in there? They are.
Got 'em all fired up for you.
Ah, thanks, baby.
- [woman 1.]
Hi, Veronica.
- [woman 2.]
Hey, girl.
[Veronica.]
Hi, ladies.
Remember Kevin? Uh-huh.
Sure do.
[laughter.]
Gracie explained to y'all what's going on? Let's do this.
[Veronica.]
All right, ladies.
Saddle up.
We're going on a field trip.
[peppy music.]
[pharmacist.]
Mifepristone.
You need an abortion? I told Murray the pullout method was an ineffective form of birth control, but he's a little hard of hearing nowadays.
Here's my co-pay.
I'm afraid you're gonna have to pay full price.
Medicare only covers abortion in cases of rape, incest, or when the mother's life is in danger.
I'm 80 years old.
Having a baby'll probably kill me.
Might as well grab some for me while you're back there, young man.
I was raped.
Incest for me.
Me too! - [woman 1.]
Rape again.
- [woman 2.]
I was raped too.
- [woman 3.]
Incest.
- [woman 4.]
#MeToo.
- [door slams.]
- [Lip.]
Hey.
What are you doing home so early? Ugh.
Uh, my nana's gone missing again.
So my dad and Aunt Oopie are on their way up to Milwaukee to look for her.
Oh, your grandma, huh? How long she been gone? Uh, I'm not sure.
But they'll find her wandering around in town looking for her cat, I'm sure.
- [sweetly.]
Hi.
- Hi.
- She's got a cat? - Uh, no.
No cat, just Alzheimer's.
- So no free childcare.
- [Fred fussing.]
I know.
We're almost done.
Well, uh, maybe we can boot Oopie and pay for it and pay off all your medical bills.
What's this? That's five grand.
I'm fixing a bike on the side, and most of that is gonna go towards parts, but I get another five when it's finished.
So ten grand? Well, we'll clear about four when it's all said and done.
But yeah.
Four grand born of monkey grease and man sweat.
[giggles.]
As opposed to what? As opposed to uh theft.
- Oh, come on.
Hey.
- No.
- I was joking.
- I know.
All right, okay, but seriously, y-you've never stolen anything before? Uh three-dollar earrings on a dare when I was ten.
Yeah, you see, that's worse than anything I've ever stolen.
You've stolen food and money.
How is that worse? 'Cause you stole for fun.
You know, I stole so that Fiona didn't have to work a third job so she could cover our electric bill.
I mean, you want me to be ashamed of the way I grew up? No.
I[sighs.]
It would just be nice if you knew that that wasn't normal.
Well, it might not be Tamietti normal, but it's definitely Gallagher normal.
Look, I'm fine living in an RV, scraping by, doing whatever we have to to survive.
Yeah.
As long as we're aiming for something a little higher.
[Fred crying.]
Why is he crying? Hey.
[crying continues.]
[Julia.]
To skipping spin class.
To skipping spin class.
Fine.
Jesus.
Should we pick up burgers for dinner? Doesn't a burger require, like, a thousand gallons of water to produce? Six hundred sixty.
But we all have our vices.
What are yours? Other than, you know, straws and hooking.
Not a hooker.
Your mom and I like each other.
Okay.
Your funeral.
[chuckles.]
She loves you, you know.
She calls me fat.
To my face.
Hmm.
Mine used to make me boil her old needles.
My mom made me get a Brazilian before fifth-grade swim camp.
Mine would use my Easy-Bake Oven to cook crack.
Mine got me a nose job when I was 13.
Mine made me test her coke to make sure there weren't laxatives in it.
- There were.
- [scoffs.]
Moms do shitty stuff sometimes.
It doesn't mean they don't love us.
You've really drunk my mom's Kool-Aid, haven't you? Is that a sex thing? 'Cause probably.
Huh.
"Huh" what? Nothing.
I decided you might just be interesting after all.
Wow.
Really? Sorry.
I [exhales.]
Tami told me you'd be out here.
She also tell you I'm a thief and a degenerate? Didn't need to.
Already knew that.
Where you headed? To see Mickey.
Gonna propose.
Cool.
Hey, uh, why, again? Huh? Why are you gonna propose to Mickey? Because I love him.
And Debbie told me to.
[chuckles.]
I thought you were all for us getting married.
Hey, I'm all for anyone getting married if they want to, but I don't think you want to.
Otherwise, you wouldn't have backed out the first time.
Aw, fuck, Lip.
You can't just throw this on me now.
I've already spent all day convincing myself to do this.
No, no.
Nah.
I've decided.
I'm gonna go do it.
Great.
Do it.
Great.
I'm going.
Great.
Go.
You're just gonna let me go? Okay.
I-I don't know what you want me to do here.
Yeah, I don't fucking know either, Lip.
I want him back.
So get him back.
But I think I'm gonna have to marry him to do it.
I think you should marry him.
Someday.
All right? But first, just try and figure out why you don't want to.
[Carl.]
Good work today, Francesca.
Glad you finally stopped crying, Aidan.
[Rucker.]
Carl.
What happened today, son? Sir? You send some of the Discoverers to the emergency room? [chuckling.]
Well Yeah.
I got a call from some of the parents.
Ravi's mother, State Senator Wilson, says he got a broken rib.
Something about being beaten with The Mueller Report.
It was a paperback, sir.
I didn't realize it would leave marks.
Scout's father says his daughter's got a bruised clavicle from a paintball incident.
Timmy Obama's in the hospital with a strangulated testicle.
Says you kneed him in the balls this morning.
Well, I was taking "cart-ay" blanche, sir.
Taking I told you to ride 'em hard and put 'em down wet, not break his ribs and put him in the hospital.
I think I've got a place better suited for your talent.
The academy, sir? How you feel about trash? Well, I don't feel great about it.
Hmm.
Sanitation department.
You know, in your time with the Discoverers, you've already proven that you're tough.
But it takes the toughest of the tough to be able to survive garbage duty.
Get you out on the streets.
Get you to know the neighborhood, the people, you know.
Plus, service like that to the city looks absolutely fantastic on a police academy application.
[desolate rock music.]
Gods are beaming into me Drippin' out my energy This isn't black or white, getting hard to fight Hyperactivity I'll mix you in honey Stir till you're dizzy Blending into one, wildly undone A tinct of quality You used to hype me up, baby But I learned your game Oh, oh, oh Years of taking you, baby You just taste the same Who's addicted now - Hey.
- Ian.
- Yeah.
- Oh, thank God.
Please take him back.
Hey, Mickey, honey? You have a visitor.
Oh! What's up, bro? You get upstairs and clean up down there real good.
I'm comin' for you.
[chuckles.]
- Come on.
- [slaps buttocks.]
Go on.
All right.
It looks like things are going well between you two.
Uh, yeah.
It's like The Love Boat up there.
Could not be happier.
Here.
Fuck is that? This an engagement ring? No.
No.
It's a it's a promise ring.
You're kidding me.
No.
I have one too.
See? Sweet.
All right, look.
Gallaghers and marriage, they don't mix well.
But a Gallagher keeps his promise.
Look, do we really need a piece of paper from the state to say that I'm committed? I'm committed.
Nah.
I'm good.
- Mick.
Mickey.
- No.
A fucking promise ring? What are you, a teenage girl? You're not even wearing yours.
You got it around your neck.
You can just tuck it in there and no one even has to see it.
It doesn't matter where you wear it.
It-it-it symbolizes commitment.
I'm not saying never.
No, just saying you don't love me enough now.
And that's fine.
It's cool.
- I got Barry.
- Byron.
He answers to whatever the fuck I call him, all right? 'Cause that's true love.
How do you know you love me? Huh? How do you really know? I'm bipolar, right? I don't know who I am from one day to the next.
I can't guarantee shit.
So why do you wanna spend the rest of your life with me? Are you fucking crazy? And who else have you dated? - I've dated plenty of people - No, no, no, no, no.
Not fucked, dated, been in love with.
How can you possibly know that me, that-that this, all of me, all the fucking versions I am, how do you know that that's what you wanna spend the rest of your life with? Jesus Christ, Ian.
I've always known Gallaghers were fucked up, but I have never been happier to be a Milkovich.
When you get over this whole "I'm not worthy of love" bullshit, why don't you give me a call? Maybe if Barry hasn't made an honest woman out of me, I'll still be around.
[door slams.]
[gloomy music.]
Follow the light inside And break the key Off and hide till the morning light This is just a dream This is just a dream - Follow the light inside - [urine trickling.]
And break the key Off and hide till the morning light This is just a dream This is just a dream [door clicks open and shut.]
Thank you.
You okay? Yeah.
[music playing over car radio.]
[Veronica.]
Who's that? Are you the folks who run Nurse V's Jiffy Care? No.
No, we're not.
Are you Nurse V's Jiffy Abortion Van? You're on your own Bye-bye, baby Bye-bye, baby You're on your own
I'm supposed to do what? Yeah, w-no, I got a-I got a baby.
I've had two hours of sleep.
I don't have time for this.
It Fine.
Here's what you missed last week.
[softly.]
Okay.
[rock music.]
[Faye.]
Do you wanna join me? Faye Donahue.
Is that you? [Faye.]
At high school graduation.
Right before everything changed forever.
Kyle Holmes was my fiancé.
Who is this Kyle guy? You know what you did! I don't.
I swear.
[Claudia.]
Claudia Nicolo.
I left you a little something on the nightstand.
- [Debbie.]
I'm not a prostitute.
- [Claudia.]
Yes, I did think you were a prostitute when I picked you up on Ho Corner, but I see now that you are more than that.
Oh, hello.
Aunt Oopie here.
Aunt Oopie's got everything covered here.
I'm gonna teach Fred and that little colored boy about the Gettysburg Address.
I'm sorry.
Wha-what was that part? She can't be Fred's guardian, Tami.
She's racist as fuck.
Miss Brenda, are you inviting me to the cookout? I am inviting you to the cookout.
Look at all these beautiful, highly educated, wealthy black people.
- All doctors? - Mm-hmm.
I love it.
What the shit is this? [Lieutenant Cody.]
Our youth leader program.
[Carl.]
These are our future police? - Doubt it.
- [Carl.]
Your mission: police this neighborhood between point A and B.
Move out! Go! Go! Go! Go! I think we should get married.
What? Then we can't testify against each other.
Staying out of jail's a crap reason to get married.
No.
We fucking love each other.
That's why we're gonna get married.
It's marriage that I don't know if I love.
I wanna know how you feel, you know? [blow lands.]
Fuck.
[rock music.]
Think of all the luck you got Know that it's not for naught You were beaming once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? Round up the friends you got Know that they're not for naught You were willing once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? Mm.
[exhales happily.]
[engine rumbling.]
[grunts.]
[horn honks.]
[rumbling continues.]
[driving acoustic music.]
Oh, my baby, I'm alive So be careful of these feelings we get high on Till it's dead and gone Who's riding a lawn mower around the block? Ooh, ooh [Ian.]
Gotta be kidding me.
I'm miles and miles away I'm Miles and miles - Away - [door slams.]
Oh, hey.
Why don't you get out of here? I'll call you later.
Who's that? Byron.
Cute, huh? Super tight asshole.
You're a top now? Verse.
Who knew? Ooh, baby, stay awake Hey, you seen this? Jesus! It's the hospital bill.
Childbirth, emergency surgery, ICU How much? Thirty-six hundred.
- Wow.
- That's after insurance.
I mean, how are we gonna pay this? - [Lip sighs.]
- [Tami.]
Here.
That's easy.
We're not.
We already brought him home.
What are they gonna do? Take him back? Well, they delivered our baby and saved my life.
Yeah, and that was their choice.
They didn't give me the option of leaving Fred in the oven or letting you die on the operating table.
So you would've let me die? I mean, if I knew it was gonna cost us four grand yeah, maybe.
[chuckles.]
Look, we have to pay this.
Tami, no, we don't.
Isn't not paying your bills stealing? No.
Charging us money while your life is on the line, that's extortion.
- Right? - Hmm.
We're, uh, Robin Hooding, you know? We're stealing from the rich, giving to the poor.
You're not Robin Hood.
Yeah, but I'm poor.
So, what, so you steal stuff? Sometimes.
Like what? [chuckling.]
I don't know.
It's a long list.
Okay, well, like, uh, food from the grocery store? Yeah, like food from anywhere.
Money? [sighs.]
That a real question? What-cars? No.
But, uh, never say never.
Wow.
"Wow" what? No, you're just exactly the role model I always wanted for my kid.
[reporter over TV.]
Next up, a Florida man was found dead today, facedown in the lobster tank of a Tampa grocery store.
Here you go.
A proper breakfast.
The sugar in this cereal will kill you.
In your case, however, I suspect that your lifestyle will kill you - before your diet does.
- Ah.
Was that Mickey this morning? - [Ian.]
Yup.
- Where's he been? With a twink named Byron.
Twink? You know, like Ms.
Del Rey's kid.
Yoga pants and glitter.
Eh, not always.
But yeah, sure.
So if you tell someone you're not marrying them, that means they can sleep with other people? No.
But Mickey's emotional IQ is lower than Carl's actual IQ.
Shit.
You're fucked, dude.
Nah, he'll work it out of his system and we'll talk it out like adults.
It'll be fine.
Hang on to your wallets, everyone.
Lip is here.
[Oopie.]
Oh, there's my gorgeous niece.
Prettier mwah than Megyn Kelly and smarter too.
Oh, objectified by America and sexually harassed by your bosses? It's every girl's dream.
- Megyn Kelly? - A blonde news host.
She thinks Santa's white.
He's not? - No.
- Yes, honeybun! [Lip.]
Hey, did I hear a girly bike pull up this morning? - Mickey.
- He's dating a twink now.
Oh, so you leaving him at the altar, that's become a thing, huh? I-I didn't leave him at the altar.
- [Liam and Lip.]
Yes, you did.
- [Tami.]
I mean It was City Hall.
We were only getting married to outsmart the cops.
You made the right decision.
Marriage is a sacred union between a man and a woman.
[Tami.]
What's that smell? Self-righteousness.
No.
The air smells clean.
Where is Frank? Haven't seen him in a while.
[Lip.]
Enjoy it while it lasts.
He'll be back to stinking up the place in no time, right? Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh Oh, there you go.
[judge.]
Frank Gallagher, the court reduces your charge to a misdemeanor and sentences you to 30 days in rehab.
The deviant thug who tried to steal this bright young man's future, Kyle Holmes, I hereby sentence you to 45 years in prison.
- [tape rewinds.]
- Sentences you to 30 days in rehab.
Forty-five years for possession.
Thirty days in rehab.
Forty-five years.
Thirty days in rehab.
- Forty - [remote clicks.]
Good morning.
Do you need a diaper change? Please let me go.
As soon as you admit what you did to my poor Kyle.
I told you, I don't remember who Kyle is.
Liar.
Maybe if I had a drink.
I'm a lot more lucid when I'm drunk.
Sounds like a lovely idea.
Is that a Balvenie? Thirty year? Don't! Oh, don't! Don't! Don't! No, please, don't do that! Tell me what you did to Kyle.
Do you have any idea how many millions of brain cells I've destroyed since the '90s? I'm so sober right now, I can't even make anything up! Tell me the truth.
I don't remember! I don't! I'm sorry, but I don't.
[breathing heavily.]
You really don't remember? I swear.
Please.
Then I'm gonna have to make you remember.
[rock music.]
Bring your chastity belt, Jerry, because I am going to fuck everybody who had anything to do with this shit show of a deal, starting with you! [sighs.]
Oh, I'm sorry, pussycat.
Did I wake you? [chuckles.]
Mm.
Ugh.
My lunch has turned into a teleconference with Dubai.
Can I impose on you to do me a favor? Of course.
What? Great.
Um, can you pick Julia up after school? - Julia? - My kid.
Oh.
Did I not tell you about her? - [laughing.]
No.
- [chuckles.]
But that's cool.
I didn't tell you about my kid either.
Franny.
She's four.
Oh, God.
They are so perfect at that age, aren't they? [sighs.]
Okay, so St.
Judith Prep, 2:30-ish.
She has a class that she goes to after.
She knows how to get you there.
You don't think it'll be kind of weird, some strange woman showing up, saying, "Get in my car, little girl"? Uh, no.
She's used to it by now.
All right, platinum card is on the dresser for a snack, but it has to be healthy.
She is going to throw one of her tantrums for something fried.
She's a terror.
Stay strong.
Later, girlfriend.
"Girlfriend"? Oh.
No, I-I just meant, uh, friend that's a girl.
Right? I like "girlfriend.
" Me too.
Ooh! Bye.
It's magnificent.
It's just magnificent.
V, do I gotta cover 'em up? Naked breasts don't exactly say "quality health care.
" They do if we provide mammograms.
Can we? No.
Basic stuff only.
Superglue for small cuts and minor gunshot wounds, needle and thread for bigger stab wounds, Popsicle sticks for sprained fingers, and Vicks VapoRub for everything else.
Hey, did you spend the rest of that cash from those snail patch hemorrhoid things? Got just enough money for a tank of gas, so we gotta make money if we wanna sustain this operation.
Aw, babe, we're gonna make a killing.
Are you kidding me? The uninsured South Side needs medical care.
No more going to urgent care and spending $150 to pop in a dislocated finger.
- Nurse V can do it for 20.
- I was never a nurse.
You were a nurse's aide.
Potato, potato.
South Side needs medical care.
We need cash to raise our girls.
This is your best side-hustle idea ever.
Well, get this thing painted while I go set up Hazel behind the bar.
I'm gonna take a minute just to say good-bye.
All right? [stomping rock music.]
Good-bye, Veronica's titties.
Good-bye, Svetlana's titties.
[sighs.]
[grunts, groans.]
Throw a pussy punch like that, and you don't deserve balls.
Nobody fights fair on the streets, people! [Rucker.]
Gallagher! Am I being too hard on them, sir? No, on the contrary, son.
90 percent of 'em have trust funds.
You have carte blanche to turn these girls into men.
Carte what, sir? Ride 'em hard.
Put 'em down wet.
Yes, sir.
I'd like to take them out in the community, do a few exercises, show 'em what the real world's like.
Good idea.
Bring 'em back at the end of the day.
- Give me a full report.
- Yes, sir.
Aidan! You're up.
Hey.
Hey.
So, uh[exhales.]
Byron, huh? Pretty great, right? Little on the young side, but, uh, eager to please, if you catch what I'm throwin'.
Oh, yeah.
No, I'm catchin'.
Think he's rich too.
Last name's Koch.
Sounds kind of familiar.
Anyway, he's, uh, getting a PhD thing.
He wants to be a professor of some language out of a place called Britain.
You mean English? Oh, yeah, probably.
I don't know.
He couldn't really talk with my cock in his mouth.
Okay.
- About the other day - It's cool.
No.
It's not that I don't wanna get married, Mickey.
It's just, I-I wanna take a little time, make sure we're both ready, you know? You did us both a favor, all right, 'cause I'm in love with Byron.
In love? Moving in with him.
When? What do you mean when? Now.
Thought you only knew each other a couple days.
Met last night, but when you know, you know.
You know? [Faye.]
What do you love most in the entire world, Frank? My kids? Fuck am I saying? Um opioids.
Detoxing is tough.
Isn't it? [sinister music.]
Dangerous too.
Kidney failure, heart attack, stroke.
We're gonna play [pills clatter.]
the carrot and stick game, see if we can't jog your memory.
Carrot.
Do you have any idea how you would know Kyle? We grew up together.
- Stick.
- Jesus! Let's try this again.
Carrot.
How do you know Kyle? We robbed a gas station together.
We exchanged hand jobs.
- I d - Stick! No! Don't do We, um - we - [Faye sighs.]
- we - Stick.
w-we College.
We went to college together.
[chuckles.]
See? Isn't that easy? - Carrot.
- [chuckles.]
Ah, sweet Jesus.
Thank you.
Dig deep.
Who was Kyle? [clicks tongue.]
He was a football player.
More.
He was, um a wide receiver.
- Stick! - No! [sobs.]
[Latin pop music playing.]
[woman.]
Fuck you.
Fuck you, you shitty shit-fuck.
What the fuck? - Hey, everything all right? - No! No, I put my card in for a withdrawal, and this piece of shit never spit out my cash.
I'm just gonna go talk to someone inside.
Spare some change? - I ain't got nothing.
- [ATM beeping.]
[grunts.]
Okay.
[upbeat rock music.]
Fuck you, Tami.
Hey, miss? Miss! Motherfuck Give me that money back! Come on! - [truck playing jingle.]
- "Nurse V's Jiffy Care.
Sprains, cuts, burns, minor stab wounds.
Come one, come all.
Twenty bucks.
Mental cases and the" "Litigious.
" "litigious need not apply.
" Hi.
[woman.]
Got anything for my pink eye? Sure do, ma'am.
Come on around.
I just turned my ankle.
[Kev.]
Well, hobble your ass over.
We'll put it on ice and wrap it up for you.
I cut my finger! It's almost to the bone.
Well, bring your cut self down here, Mrs.
Stapleton.
We'll glue you right up.
[cheery rock music.]
What seems to be the problem? - Oh, my God.
- Oh! Oh, dear.
Lies.
Deep state lies.
Liberal lies.
Do you have a trigonometry calculator? [Ian, sarcastically.]
Yeah, in the drawer with the First Folio of Shakespeare.
Did you know that half of all marriages end in divorce? Half.
I mean, what the hell's even the point? Tax breaks.
Only helps if you pay taxes.
- [door bangs open.]
- Law enforcement! Hands where I can see them! You two, upstairs.
Check for perps.
You four, kitchen and basement.
Ma'am, I'ma need you on the floor now! Not a chance.
I know my rights.
We know our rights, don't we? [Scout.]
We have a white male and a minority in the kitchen, sir.
I need you two on the ground now.
- No.
- Shut the fuck up.
Dude, you're making me look ad-bay in front of the cadets-cay.
Oh, fuck.
Basement's clear, sir.
Upstairs is clear too.
[door squeaks open.]
Aidan, pat her down.
Look, touch me, I will fuck you up.
Aidan, step down.
Ma'am, where are you going? To cut hair, Carl.
Mind if we use the RV for official police business? You're not allowed within 20 feet of my underwear drawer.
I just need a place that's small and depressing, somewhere that'll break a man's spirit.
Sounds like your room.
- [snickers.]
- Cadets, upstairs for official interrogation training.
- [Tami.]
Nice dress.
- Thanks.
Hey.
Hey.
Did you guys know rich people count the number of threads in their sheets? Fuck that.
I can't even count the number of stains in mine.
You sleep at that lady's place? Yup.
She's got a Jacuzzi tub in the master bedroom.
Think I might be in love.
Whatever you do, don't marry her.
Fifty percent of all marriages end in divorce.
Straight ones, anyway.
No data on the gay ones, but gotta be in the ballpark.
How come you're looking up marriage stats? 'Cause Mickey's a punk and he's decided he's gonna fuck other people if I don't marry him.
A glittery twink named Byron.
[Ian.]
But I mean, look at the stats.
What's the point? Sounds like you're scared.
Of what? You love him, right? - Yeah.
- [Debbie.]
Then marry him.
Make him happy.
If you gotta get a divorce, do it.
Then you'll move on.
But at least you'll be happy for a while.
I gotta go get changed, pick up my stepdaughter-to-be.
Stepdaughter? I'm not scared.
- [scoffs.]
Okay.
- I'm not.
Fuck it.
You wanna help me run an errand? Can we get a trig calculator? - Sure, nerd.
- We're gonna need money.
[Fred cooing.]
[surf rock music.]
Let's ride.
[Frank.]
He was a running back.
- [Faye.]
Stick! - [hammer bangs.]
[Frank.]
Uh, I mean a lineman.
- [Faye.]
Stick! - [hammer bangs.]
[Frank.]
Quarterback.
He was a quarterback.
[Frank chuckles.]
Carrot.
[chuckles.]
A black quarterback in the '90s.
- Good for him.
- Continue.
Um he was a-um, a sen - Uh, fresh - Fresh - Freshman.
- Yeah.
Uh, it was '95.
So I was a senior.
A senior? I figured you were a grad student, an old one.
No, no, I was a tenth-year senior.
Continue.
[faint rap music.]
- [music continues over radio.]
- Mm-mm! Stuff's gonna mess you up, man.
Yeah, that's the point.
We got high together.
[Faye.]
Stick.
- I me! - Kyle never got high.
I meant me.
I got high, not Kyle.
Drugs bad.
I was high on pot.
I mean crack.
- [siren whoops.]
- Aw, shit.
[Frank.]
The cops busted us - [policeman.]
Hands where I can see 'em.
- for, um possession, and - Stick! - But wait.
The-the-the, um the the crack was mine.
They busted me for possession, which means they must've busted him for being black.
[indistinct police radio chatter.]
Dealing.
They thought he was my dealer.
I knew it.
I knew you couldn't have forgotten him completely.
You were right.
Can I have that Oxy now? - Please? - Oh, honey.
You have earned a lot more than one.
[rock music.]
[music continues over radio.]
What happened to you? Ah, some asshole stole this chick's cash from an ATM machine, and I chased him down.
Look at you, superhero.
How much did he take? Couple hundred.
You give the money back? Hell no.
Bought us some Devil Dawgs.
Hey, all right.
The rest of the money's going towards Tami's medical bills.
Thirty-six hundred.
3,400 now.
So you only need to steal $200 what, 17 more times? [chuckles.]
Hey, you, uh think I should've given the cash back? You know, to the ATM chick? What'd she look like? Uh, she had a yoga mat.
Fuck that.
You should've stolen her purse too.
Uh, Tami's got me questioning my morality.
You know, she says I'm a-I'm a bad role model for the kid.
[scoffs.]
Role models and morals are for the comfortably middle-class.
Rich people don't have 'em, and working guys like us can't afford 'em.
I got another one for you, Bradley.
Like this asshole.
Think he has morals? What have you done to that bike this time, Tully? [sighs.]
You have to use these every time, Solomon.
And stick this snail patch down there.
It burns the warts right off.
Candace Madson, come on down.
Should we order more of those snail patch thingies? Hell no.
We should have the girls dig around in the backyard for snails and make our own.
[Kev.]
Ms.
Madson, how you doing? What kind of jiffy care can Nurse V do for you today? [Candace.]
It's actually not for me.
It's for my daughter Jamie.
We've tried a bunch of other places in town Clinics, hospitals, and such But they're all out of network, so insurance won't cover what she needs, and we can't afford to pay out of pocket.
Out of network? Where are you from? [Candace.]
Missouri.
You can't get what you need in Missouri? Not anymore.
That's terrible.
What is it, honey? It's okay.
An abortion.
[funky music.]
- [knocking.]
- Debbie? I'm Julia.
I dig your car.
[chuckles.]
- You're Julia? - You sound surprised.
I just-I thought you'd be, uh Uh, prettier? - No.
- [chuckles.]
- Uh, younger.
- Oh, yeah.
Well, I thought you would be older.
Most of my mom's hookers are.
I'm not a hooker.
Your mom and I are dating.
That's cool.
I'm dating your mom too.
My mom's dead.
Wow.
Uh, this is gonna be a fun afternoon.
I'm sorry.
Does underage underwear make you uncomfortable? No.
Good.
Just, Catholic school uniforms.
Am I right? Okay, so your mom said I'm supposed to take you to some class? She didn't tell you where? She said you knew where it was.
Awesome.
Uh, just head towards Fulton.
I'll get us there.
Okay.
You know you're supposed to stop at stop signs, right? The Prius came out of nowhere, man.
[cell phone ringing.]
Sorry.
Gotta take this.
Dr.
Peterson.
Talk to me.
He's a chiropractor.
That's, like, a fake doctor.
What do you think? - The thing's fucked.
- Yeah.
Cost me five grand just in parts, then two guys, two weeks to do it.
We're looking at more than nine grand.
We could turn over three bikes at four grand each in that time.
Gotta quote him at least that.
This bike even worth 12 grand? - No.
- No.
- [Tully.]
So what do you think, Bradley? - Start at 11, settle for ten.
- Huh? - Well, Tully can't do it for less than 12.
Jeez, man.
I can get a new Harley for a couple grand more.
With parts and labor, I can't go lower than that.
But I was telling Lip, he needs practice, or I may have to can him for a more experienced guy.
What? Maybe he could take it on.
You know, learning project or whatever.
What do you think, Lip? Oh, yeah.
I mean I don't know, man.
It's a big job, you know.
Mm.
Probably bigger than you can handle.
- Eh.
- Never mind.
No, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait.
How much would you need, Lip? Eleven grand? Still sounds high, man.
[Brad.]
Mm.
I agree.
If he had said ten Would you do it for ten? Mm I don't know.
Why not? - [Brad.]
All right.
- [Tully.]
All right.
[Brad.]
Great.
Uh, wheel it over to the corner.
Lip'll take it from there.
Looks like you won't have to steal anything for a while.
[Carl.]
Where were you when our greatest president was shot? Obama was shot? No.
Reagan.
- [Ravi.]
I wasn't born yet.
- I don't believe you.
Francesca, hit him.
No, no, no! Never the face.
Torso only.
[snaps fingers.]
And use this.
Won't leave marks.
Standard interrogation techniques, people.
You'll need them.
So learn them well.
Ready, Ravi? Hit me.
You heard the man.
[Ravi grunts.]
Jesus fuck.
Why is it so clean in here? The maid comes twice a week.
Wow.
Nice bed.
Where are you gonna sleep? I figured we'd share it? Ah, no, that ain't gonna work.
You can sleep on the floor.
Look, this is how this is gonna work.
I like to eat around seven every night.
Any later than that, I get the GERD something nasty.
So if you could, uh, get your maid lady to cook us up something for around then, that'd be swell.
We have sex whenever I feel like it.
Obviously, I'll be the top, since you're pretty much a chick.
But you are gonna have to stick something up my ass every once in a while, or I'm gonna get real bitchy.
This does not fall under the scope of Nurse V's Jiffy Care.
[Veronica.]
She's a 15-year-old Missouri girl who's ten weeks pregnant, and some old white assholes decided she can't terminate her pregnancy in her state after eight weeks.
What's she supposed to do, risk her life in some back-alley abortion? We'll take her to the clinic.
How much are one of those, Dr.
Brenda? Without insurance, it'll run at least $400.
That's not that much.
They're on the SNAP program.
They can barely afford to eat.
What about one of those free clinics? Clinics won't touch an out-of-state patient, free or not.
There's always a medical abortion.
Mifepristone.
Two pills taken over a couple of days.
Great, let's point 'em to Rite Aid and send them on their way.
Uh, how much does that cost? About the same.
But I could always write the prescription in Veronica's name.
I mean, with insurance, it's only a $20 copay.
- You have insurance? - Obamacare.
So great, on top of all this, we're running an insurance scam now? She's 15.
Having a baby this young could ruin her life.
We started V's Jiffy Care to do some good.
At least it's the lesser of two evils.
We both have to agree if we're gonna do this.
But remember before you answer, if you say no, you're just another man standing in the way of a woman's future.
[funky music.]
All right, Jamie, I think we found a solution.
I hope you don't mind.
We told a few friends.
- [girl 1.]
Hi.
- [girl 2.]
Nice to meet you.
- [girl 3.]
Hi.
- [girl 4.]
Hello.
[singsongy.]
Open up.
[gasps happily.]
Mm-hmm! [slurring.]
Am I to blame? Probably not, but for the purposes of discussion, we'll say yes.
But I was a dumb kid then.
If we're to be punished for the things we did as kids, how is anyone ever gonna become president or Supreme Court justice? - Another one? - Yes, please.
And, uh Can I[clears throat.]
really be held responsible for the racism inherent in the criminal justice system? I mean, I didn't tell them he was my dealer.
They assumed it.
- Another one? - Mm! And really, the cops can be forgiven for their mistake.
It was the '90s.
Black people really were drug dealers then.
Mm.
One more? How many is this? Five.
[chuckles.]
There you go.
Why are you suddenly being nice to me? Who said anything about being nice? Now that you remember exactly how you destroyed Kyle's life, I can get on with making you pay for it.
Filling me full of Oxy? Mm.
I need you in an opioid coma but not, you know, dead.
Want a sip? It's, uh, root beer.
Out of a straw? No, thanks.
What's wrong with a straw? Nothing, if you don't like the environment, which clearly you don't, with your plastic straws and your pre-emission standards Subaru.
You said you liked my car.
[laughs.]
Yeah.
It's called sarcasm.
You know 90 percent of turtles will be born with plastic straws in their bodies in the next ten years due largely to you and the - Me? - billions of straws Chicagoans discard carelessly - Billions? - into Lake Michigan which inevitably churn their way through the Great Lakes system and then down the Saint Lawrence Seaway - and out - Saint Lawrence Seaway? into the Atlantic Ocean, where global water currents evenly distribute them throughout the world.
My anti-straw Facebook group is staging a massive protest this week.
Your anti-straw Facebook group? Yuk it up, Big Gulp.
It's my generation that's gonna have to save the world that your generation shit all over.
Okay, I'm, like, three years older than you.
So my generation is your generation.
And you don't have a corner on saving the world.
Up until a week ago, I was on strike.
So I'm basically the definition of pro-labor feminism.
[giggling.]
Thanks, Norma Rae.
A lot of good pro-labor feminism is gonna do us after sea levels rise 40 feet.
Well, you know whose fault that's gonna be? Rich people.
Flying all around the world in your private jets Okay, that's not ours.
It's the company's.
living in your air-conditioned mansions, blaming poor people and our straws for destroying the planet.
Not everyone can be born sucking organic kombucha out of a potato-starch bottle.
- Okay, turn here.
- Huh? [Julia.]
We're here.
Just turn here.
Your class is at Georgee's Pizza? No.
I'm just hungry.
Your mom said no unhealthy food.
Yeah, and my mom also said you're not a hooker.
- So - Fuck you, Riverdale.
Tell me where your class is.
- No.
- Tell me.
No! Fine.
- Hey.
What are you doing? - [touch-tones beeping.]
- Calling your mom.
- [line trills.]
Jesus.
Fine.
Okay, I-I'll tell you.
On one condition.
What? You want me to do this class so bad, you have to do it with me.
[announcer over TV.]
Okay, let me see that one.
Why am I here again? To try these on.
Mickey has freakishly small hands.
What do you think? Slip it on my finger.
I need the full effect.
Here you go.
Brushed white gold, matte finish, round edges.
Tastefully simple.
I approve.
How much for two of 'em? - Four hundred each.
- Nope.
Uh, 400 for the pair.
Final offer.
It's on Aunt Oopie.
Do you take cards? Twenty-first century, kid.
Everybody takes cards.
The hell is a spin class? It's a sweaty, anorexic Nazi screaming motivational shit at you while you ride a bike that goes literally nowhere.
Why would anyone wanna do that? My mom makes me.
She thinks I'm fat.
You're just a puppet in her body-shaming shit show.
Hi, I'm Julia.
I'm checking in for class.
And can I buy a class for my mom's hooker, Debbie? - Not a hooker.
- [Julia.]
And we're gonna need to buy her shorts and a T-shirt.
But you can just put it on my mom's account.
Claudia Nicolo.
Uh, no, thank you.
I'm actually all good.
You think my mom does this because she loves me? [laughs.]
Time to see what being loved by my mom really feels like.
[trainer.]
What kind of person do you wanna be today? Up, up, up, up, up! You coming? [trainer.]
Let's see that tattoo.
Let's go! We're gonna need more prescriptions.
Well, how many more? [Kev.]
Seven.
I can't write more than one prescription for the abortion pill in Veronica's name.
We-I'd lose my license.
What if you didn't write it? What if you were to, say, misplace your scrip pad and whoever found it were to anonymously write a whole bunch of prescriptions before you even realized it was gone? Mm.
Well, even if I were to misplace my scrip pad, whoever found it would have to write prescriptions in other people's names.
They're not gonna give more than one set of pills to the same person.
I'm sure whoever found it would figure something out.
Are we still talking about us? They're scared little girls, Bren.
Ten years ago, that could've been you and me.
I can't, V.
I'm sorry.
[sighs.]
Ugh.
See you.
[Veronica.]
See you.
Don't be a hero! I swear I'll bury a bullet in his head.
Can someone be a hero, please? The Sox game's about to start.
[splatting.]
[patrons gasp.]
Nine times out of ten, a guy holding a gun to another guy's head does not have the intention of pulling the trigger.
If you have a clean shot, take it.
That's terrible advice.
Let's reset.
Ah, the first inning's started.
- I'm out.
- Ooh.
I'll do it.
L-looks fun.
Cool.
Francesca, you're up.
And go.
Don't be a hero.
I swear I'll - [pellet splats.]
- [shouts.]
- [Carl.]
Oh.
- [groans.]
Shoot the hostage.
I like your style.
[Tommy laughs.]
I don't think this is gonna work.
Well, we're giving it a try, 'cause six pregnant teenagers don't wanna be raising babies instead of graduating high school.
Hey, Gracie.
They in there? They are.
Got 'em all fired up for you.
Ah, thanks, baby.
- [woman 1.]
Hi, Veronica.
- [woman 2.]
Hey, girl.
[Veronica.]
Hi, ladies.
Remember Kevin? Uh-huh.
Sure do.
[laughter.]
Gracie explained to y'all what's going on? Let's do this.
[Veronica.]
All right, ladies.
Saddle up.
We're going on a field trip.
[peppy music.]
[pharmacist.]
Mifepristone.
You need an abortion? I told Murray the pullout method was an ineffective form of birth control, but he's a little hard of hearing nowadays.
Here's my co-pay.
I'm afraid you're gonna have to pay full price.
Medicare only covers abortion in cases of rape, incest, or when the mother's life is in danger.
I'm 80 years old.
Having a baby'll probably kill me.
Might as well grab some for me while you're back there, young man.
I was raped.
Incest for me.
Me too! - [woman 1.]
Rape again.
- [woman 2.]
I was raped too.
- [woman 3.]
Incest.
- [woman 4.]
#MeToo.
- [door slams.]
- [Lip.]
Hey.
What are you doing home so early? Ugh.
Uh, my nana's gone missing again.
So my dad and Aunt Oopie are on their way up to Milwaukee to look for her.
Oh, your grandma, huh? How long she been gone? Uh, I'm not sure.
But they'll find her wandering around in town looking for her cat, I'm sure.
- [sweetly.]
Hi.
- Hi.
- She's got a cat? - Uh, no.
No cat, just Alzheimer's.
- So no free childcare.
- [Fred fussing.]
I know.
We're almost done.
Well, uh, maybe we can boot Oopie and pay for it and pay off all your medical bills.
What's this? That's five grand.
I'm fixing a bike on the side, and most of that is gonna go towards parts, but I get another five when it's finished.
So ten grand? Well, we'll clear about four when it's all said and done.
But yeah.
Four grand born of monkey grease and man sweat.
[giggles.]
As opposed to what? As opposed to uh theft.
- Oh, come on.
Hey.
- No.
- I was joking.
- I know.
All right, okay, but seriously, y-you've never stolen anything before? Uh three-dollar earrings on a dare when I was ten.
Yeah, you see, that's worse than anything I've ever stolen.
You've stolen food and money.
How is that worse? 'Cause you stole for fun.
You know, I stole so that Fiona didn't have to work a third job so she could cover our electric bill.
I mean, you want me to be ashamed of the way I grew up? No.
I[sighs.]
It would just be nice if you knew that that wasn't normal.
Well, it might not be Tamietti normal, but it's definitely Gallagher normal.
Look, I'm fine living in an RV, scraping by, doing whatever we have to to survive.
Yeah.
As long as we're aiming for something a little higher.
[Fred crying.]
Why is he crying? Hey.
[crying continues.]
[Julia.]
To skipping spin class.
To skipping spin class.
Fine.
Jesus.
Should we pick up burgers for dinner? Doesn't a burger require, like, a thousand gallons of water to produce? Six hundred sixty.
But we all have our vices.
What are yours? Other than, you know, straws and hooking.
Not a hooker.
Your mom and I like each other.
Okay.
Your funeral.
[chuckles.]
She loves you, you know.
She calls me fat.
To my face.
Hmm.
Mine used to make me boil her old needles.
My mom made me get a Brazilian before fifth-grade swim camp.
Mine would use my Easy-Bake Oven to cook crack.
Mine got me a nose job when I was 13.
Mine made me test her coke to make sure there weren't laxatives in it.
- There were.
- [scoffs.]
Moms do shitty stuff sometimes.
It doesn't mean they don't love us.
You've really drunk my mom's Kool-Aid, haven't you? Is that a sex thing? 'Cause probably.
Huh.
"Huh" what? Nothing.
I decided you might just be interesting after all.
Wow.
Really? Sorry.
I [exhales.]
Tami told me you'd be out here.
She also tell you I'm a thief and a degenerate? Didn't need to.
Already knew that.
Where you headed? To see Mickey.
Gonna propose.
Cool.
Hey, uh, why, again? Huh? Why are you gonna propose to Mickey? Because I love him.
And Debbie told me to.
[chuckles.]
I thought you were all for us getting married.
Hey, I'm all for anyone getting married if they want to, but I don't think you want to.
Otherwise, you wouldn't have backed out the first time.
Aw, fuck, Lip.
You can't just throw this on me now.
I've already spent all day convincing myself to do this.
No, no.
Nah.
I've decided.
I'm gonna go do it.
Great.
Do it.
Great.
I'm going.
Great.
Go.
You're just gonna let me go? Okay.
I-I don't know what you want me to do here.
Yeah, I don't fucking know either, Lip.
I want him back.
So get him back.
But I think I'm gonna have to marry him to do it.
I think you should marry him.
Someday.
All right? But first, just try and figure out why you don't want to.
[Carl.]
Good work today, Francesca.
Glad you finally stopped crying, Aidan.
[Rucker.]
Carl.
What happened today, son? Sir? You send some of the Discoverers to the emergency room? [chuckling.]
Well Yeah.
I got a call from some of the parents.
Ravi's mother, State Senator Wilson, says he got a broken rib.
Something about being beaten with The Mueller Report.
It was a paperback, sir.
I didn't realize it would leave marks.
Scout's father says his daughter's got a bruised clavicle from a paintball incident.
Timmy Obama's in the hospital with a strangulated testicle.
Says you kneed him in the balls this morning.
Well, I was taking "cart-ay" blanche, sir.
Taking I told you to ride 'em hard and put 'em down wet, not break his ribs and put him in the hospital.
I think I've got a place better suited for your talent.
The academy, sir? How you feel about trash? Well, I don't feel great about it.
Hmm.
Sanitation department.
You know, in your time with the Discoverers, you've already proven that you're tough.
But it takes the toughest of the tough to be able to survive garbage duty.
Get you out on the streets.
Get you to know the neighborhood, the people, you know.
Plus, service like that to the city looks absolutely fantastic on a police academy application.
[desolate rock music.]
Gods are beaming into me Drippin' out my energy This isn't black or white, getting hard to fight Hyperactivity I'll mix you in honey Stir till you're dizzy Blending into one, wildly undone A tinct of quality You used to hype me up, baby But I learned your game Oh, oh, oh Years of taking you, baby You just taste the same Who's addicted now - Hey.
- Ian.
- Yeah.
- Oh, thank God.
Please take him back.
Hey, Mickey, honey? You have a visitor.
Oh! What's up, bro? You get upstairs and clean up down there real good.
I'm comin' for you.
[chuckles.]
- Come on.
- [slaps buttocks.]
Go on.
All right.
It looks like things are going well between you two.
Uh, yeah.
It's like The Love Boat up there.
Could not be happier.
Here.
Fuck is that? This an engagement ring? No.
No.
It's a it's a promise ring.
You're kidding me.
No.
I have one too.
See? Sweet.
All right, look.
Gallaghers and marriage, they don't mix well.
But a Gallagher keeps his promise.
Look, do we really need a piece of paper from the state to say that I'm committed? I'm committed.
Nah.
I'm good.
- Mick.
Mickey.
- No.
A fucking promise ring? What are you, a teenage girl? You're not even wearing yours.
You got it around your neck.
You can just tuck it in there and no one even has to see it.
It doesn't matter where you wear it.
It-it-it symbolizes commitment.
I'm not saying never.
No, just saying you don't love me enough now.
And that's fine.
It's cool.
- I got Barry.
- Byron.
He answers to whatever the fuck I call him, all right? 'Cause that's true love.
How do you know you love me? Huh? How do you really know? I'm bipolar, right? I don't know who I am from one day to the next.
I can't guarantee shit.
So why do you wanna spend the rest of your life with me? Are you fucking crazy? And who else have you dated? - I've dated plenty of people - No, no, no, no, no.
Not fucked, dated, been in love with.
How can you possibly know that me, that-that this, all of me, all the fucking versions I am, how do you know that that's what you wanna spend the rest of your life with? Jesus Christ, Ian.
I've always known Gallaghers were fucked up, but I have never been happier to be a Milkovich.
When you get over this whole "I'm not worthy of love" bullshit, why don't you give me a call? Maybe if Barry hasn't made an honest woman out of me, I'll still be around.
[door slams.]
[gloomy music.]
Follow the light inside And break the key Off and hide till the morning light This is just a dream This is just a dream - Follow the light inside - [urine trickling.]
And break the key Off and hide till the morning light This is just a dream This is just a dream [door clicks open and shut.]
Thank you.
You okay? Yeah.
[music playing over car radio.]
[Veronica.]
Who's that? Are you the folks who run Nurse V's Jiffy Care? No.
No, we're not.
Are you Nurse V's Jiffy Abortion Van? You're on your own Bye-bye, baby Bye-bye, baby You're on your own