Will and Grace s10e09 Episode Script

1 "Will & Grace" is shot before a live studio audience.
Well, I'm off to Divorce Attorney.
Wish me money.
So, you and Stan are really over? - Yep.
- Do you wanna talk? Why? Must have all kinds of feelings.
Is it the word "feelings" that's bumping you? Honey, feelings are for poor people and e liberals who love them.
Okay, but, you know, I'm here if you ever change your personality.
What up, Smudge? Heads up.
Your sister's here.
Uh, when were you gonna tell me? What? I just saw what you're wearing.
It's pretty.
- Janet, did you sleep here? - Yeah, well, you were such a douche about me staying at your place.
Well, that's because the last time, you brought that weird guy with the anxiety rat.
Uh, that's a real thing.
That rat has his own bus seat.
Did you ever find it? What do you mean, did I ever find it? Never mind.
Janet, you gotta get out of here.
I've got a client coming.
I'm in crisis, Smudge not that you asked.
- Frank's cheating on me.
- Janet If I had any balls, I'd tell him it's over, but his wife just got back from active duty.
I'm sure they'll both thank you for your service.
Good night, Mr.
Truman.
Really? "Mr.
Truman" is so formal.
Call me William, guys, or Professor Truman - But you're not a full Profe - Good night, Jill.
Oh, hey, kids.
Yeah.
Swell of you to visit the elderly in your spare time.
Another study group? I like being the teacher all the kids wanna hang out with.
Yeah, no, they seemed really eager to stay.
I'll have you know they invited me to a warehouse party.
Ooh, a rave, yeah.
Remember those nights? All those hot guys? Yeah, you dancing along on a box in nothing but short shorts and a retainer? And you with your little baggy of orange slices? Key change Check it out.
You bought your wedding rings? I did.
First ring I'll ever wear on my finger.
You and Estefan are really getting married.
Our time has come.
Before I was ready to settle down, I just had to get a couple guys out of my system.
- And then in my system.
- Mm-hmm.
And then back out of my system.
You wrote, "To my soulmate" inside his ring.
Well, he is Never thought I'd meet my soulmate, but I did.
Well, I'm gonna cry.
Maybe you should save your tears until you get your Amex bill.
I kid! You not.
Listen, Grace, I've already been here longer than I wanna be here, so let's wrap this up.
I've got ten minutes.
Wait, I have so much to show you.
- Nine.
- Oh, okay, I understand.
Um, I've got some some fun paint ideas that I'm gonna show you, and this time, I am confident that it won't give you, as you put it, eye herpes.
Hey, Grace.
How dark is pee supposed to be? Oh, sorry.
Don't be.
That's a legitimate question.
It's supposed to be the color of pale hay.
Then I should see a doctor.
You're adorable.
Who are you? - Janet.
- Janet.
That's a beautiful name.
Have a drink with me.
- Sure, but I'm straight.
- Are you? - Yes, yes.
- Are you? Are you? You tell me.
What is this? Chocolate milk? Guess one of the kids must have left it.
You know what? I'm doing it This is our rave.
I'll drop one bread and two fats tomorrow.
- Oh, mmm.
- Gimme some.
Takes you back, right? Yeah, totally.
Hey, you need to do something about your doorman.
- He's a little handsy.
- We don't have a doorman.
Oh, makes sense.
What kind of doorman would test people for colon cancer? So, did you have time to look over my divorce papers? Oh, yeah, uh, looks like Stan got the cabin in Vermont, but you got Vermont.
Suck it, New England Jack used to have a tank top that said that.
Oh? So, now what? I just sign these and that's it? Pretty much.
Once you've done that, you're no longer Mrs.
Stanley Walker.
Hm, it's that easy You okay? You gotta be struggling with how hard this is.
I had a tank top that said that too.
Good Lord, why is everybody making such a big deal out of this? What, do you want me to sing a torch song or something? - I'm fine.
- Oh, Karen.
I know this is hard to swallow.
Yes, a T-shirt It's a piece of paper.
It doesn't mean anything.
It's like a restraining order, or the Constitution.
Are you sure you're okay? Honey, I am better than ever, and I'm ready for my second act.
Now, that's a great attitude to take into your next 100 years.
Ah.
Ooh, is this choc-y milk? You drink chocolate milk? It's my own vice.
Shh.
I'd love to stick around, but we all know that's not true.
God, this stuff is addictive.
I don't remember chocolate milk being so good.
Will I feel kind of funny.
Wait, those kids were going out to party.
Do you think they put something in this? No, they're law students.
They wouldn't do anything illegal.
Oh, okay Oh, wait.
Hold on.
I gotta get that butterfly off your shoulder.
Thanks Must have come from over there.
I don't remember putting in a butterfly door, but I like it.
Ha-ba-da, bee-ba-da Oh, street meat.
It's my one vice.
Shh.
One, please.
Huh, that's unusual.
Oh, crap.
I forgot I was performing tonight.
Oh, thanks, honey.
Testing, testing.
Is this thing on? Check, check, one.
Check, one, two.
- So, shall we look at fabrics? - Hold on.
I want my girlfriend to weigh in.
Of course.
I didn't know you were seeing anyone.
She's new.
Babe! Never been good at relationships, probably 'cause I'm a bitch.
Okay, so, for the sofa, I was thinking that What up, Smudge? Janet, what are you doing here? Her.
You have got to be kidding me.
I'm a lesbian now.
Deal with it.
Poor thing.
I'm gonna take her shoes.
Your skin is so soft.
It's so soft.
It's so, like what is the word I'm thinking of? - Soft? - Yes! You always find the word.
I know so many words.
Like what? Cassoulet oh, I know there are others.
It's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Words are just things people say.
Yes, yes, yes.
It's like we're beyond words.
Those are words.
"Soulmate.
" There's a word.
It's like that's the biggest word there is not in terms of letters Cassoulet is longer but the idea.
- Yeah.
- What is a soulmate? Soulmate, soulmate.
Hey, let's look at the word.
- Let's look at it.
- Huh? Oh, air-finger cursive.
It's a lost art.
Right? Write? Right? Soulmate a soulmate is someone who knows you better than anyone, who takes care of you, someone who knows what you need before you e Why did you just hand me A tissue? Are you my soulmate? I might be.
How would we know for sure? Whoever this ring fits, is my soulmate.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow It fits! Okay, okay, this is happening.
Told you she'd be weird about it.
She doesn't want to think about her sister having sex.
Well, who does, besides Angelina Jolie's brother? This conversation makes me wanna do heroin again.
Let's look at fabrics.
Yes, fabrics.
Of course.
Um, and I also brought some new carpet samples She's already seen a new carpet sample.
Soon as it came out of my mouth.
How did we not notice this before? My soulmate was right across the hall! Mine too! I mean, it's so obvious.
We finish each other's - Penises.
- That's what I was gonna say.
Okay, what am I thinking right now? - I'm not getting anything.
- I wasn't thinking anything! Do you know what this means? Do you know what this means? I have to tell Estefan you're my soulmate before I marry him.
He'll totally understand.
Call him now.
Oh, okay.
Excellent.
I just have to wait for that rabbit to get off the phone.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Wanda, Wanda, listen, no.
You're the one who wanted an open relationship.
Oh, I'm so glad you're my soulmate.
- Me too.
- I'm gonna make you a sandwich.
- I don't want a sandwich.
- Excuse me? I said I don't need you to make me a sandwich.
Of course you do.
I take care of you.
- I'm your soulmate.
- I already ate with Estefan.
Well, just un-eat with him.
I refuse! You bitch! Get out! I never wanna see you again.
I never wanna be seen by you! Hey, babe, what are we feeling about the wall color? Why? Do we think it's too dark? I think we might.
Oh, I think we think it works.
And how about we leave the designing to the designer instead of the woman who thinks the paper flip-flops you get after a pedicure are okay to wear synagogue? That's homophobic.
Uh, okay.
It's not.
And you are not a lesbian.
You're an Adler.
We don't work that hard.
I'm sorry.
Donna, my sister is just as straight as I am.
- Are you? Are you? Are you? - Yes, yes.
Watch out.
This is where it happens.
Oh, that must be my intervention I keep rescheduling.
You always think you're gonna have time.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you so much.
Benny and I are going to take it down a notch.
This one is for my man The one that got away.
Jack? Jack! Will, Will! - Will! - I'm over here.
Will, I was so lost.
What's happening to us? I don't know.
But I don't feel comfortable talking about it in front of her.
- Praise be.
- Under his eye.
What are you doing? Just because you go out with guys without jobs, cars, or all of their fingers doesn't make you gay.
Why can't you be happy for me? Because, honestly, I think that this is a little pathetic.
I am not pathetic.
- You say I'm not pathetic.
- No.
- Pick a city.
- No! - Pick a city! - Philadelphia.
- P-H-I-L-A - Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Why don't I ever say LA? Fine! Be a lesbian.
Have a Pussy Riot! Whatever.
Just don't screw up this job for me.
- How am I screwing it up? - Because it's what you do.
You always make my life so difficult.
I mean, my God, you are my older sister.
You're supposed to be the one to take care of me.
It's true.
I'm a terrible big sister.
- Come on, Janet.
- What? I am.
And I hate that.
When you were born, mom put you in my arms and said, "This is your baby.
You have to take care of her.
" And I wanted to.
I loved you so much.
You put me into a basket and threw me into a pond.
That's what Moses' mom did.
I was trying to give you a better life.
You are not a failure.
If anything, I am.
Mom said, "Life is harder for Janet.
Be kind to her.
" And I haven't been.
Look, if you are a lesbian, I will support you happily.
I don't know if I am Donna's cool.
And she played me like a banjo.
Well, you just ruined Mumford & Sons for me.
- I'm a mess.
- Who isn't? Now that mom's gone, maybe we should do that thing she always wanted us to do.
Neither one of us is gonna marry Josh Groban.
No.
Look out for each other.
Isn't that what sisters do? I love you, Janet.
I love you so much.
Good riddance Good-bye Every trick of his You're on to But fools will be fools And where's he Gone to? The road is rougher It's lonelier and tougher With hope you burn up Tomorrow he may turn up There's just no letup The livelong night And day Ever since this world began There is nothing Sadder than A one-man woman Looking for The man that got Away The man That got Away Bravo! How you feeling? Better, although I do miss the butterflies.
Oh, God! Oh.
Do I need to say anything to the school about my students lacing chocolate milk with drugs? Depends, I mean, do you wanna do the right thing, or be the cool teacher that all the kids like? - Eh, they're adults.
- Yeah.
You know, all that stuff we said about soulmates and sandwiches that was because of the we were chocolate milking, right? Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
I mean - What? - Nothing, I When you get married, you're still gonna need me, right? I mean, Estefan can have "soulmate," but I'm not losing "best friend.
" Ugh.
You're so obsessed with me.
Of course you're my best friend, silly.
Well, let's make it official.
Jack, I'm asking you, in front of God, and all the high-end male erotica in this apartment.
Do you promise to be in my life forever? I do.
I promise to be here through all your weight fluctuations Mm-hmm.
Every relationship you trick a man into being a part of Mm.
All the botched cosmetic surgery I'm sure Okay, you're done.
You're good.
You're good.
And I I promise to always lend you money, to not get mad when you return my suit with the ass cut out, It said, "business casual.
" I know, buddy.
- Hey, Will.
- Mm, yeah? You can make me that sandwich now.
I'd love to, but when we were high, I used all the bread to retile the bathroom.
Good-bye, Mrs.
Stanley Walker.