Would I Lie To You? (2007) s10e09 Episode Script
The Unseen Bits
CHEERING Good evening and welcome to a very special edition of previously unseen clips from this series of Would I Lie To You? Joining David Mitchell tonight Claudia Winkleman.
Nick Robinson.
Nadiya Hussain.
David Haye.
Romesh Ranganathan.
Catherine Ryan.
John Simpson.
Professor Kate Williams.
Michael Smiley.
And Jason Manford.
And joining Lee Mack tonight Bob Mortimer.
Mel Giedroyc.
Harry Shearer.
Brian Blessed.
Diane Morgan.
Martin Kemp.
Sara Cox.
Hugh Dennis.
And Tracy-Ann Oberman.
So we begin with Round 1, Home Truths, where our panellists each read out a statement from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've never seen the card before - they've no idea what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
David Haye, you're first up tonight - Possession.
- Possession, ah, there's a box under your desk.
- There's a little card in there - Yeah.
Just read the card first and then show us what's in the box.
This is a dog toy I chew to release tension before a fight.
Right, now, pop the toy on the desk, put the box back down.
Do you chew this every fight? Before every fight, yeah.
Like, day-of situation.
Do what you do, David, before Imagine it's before a fight.
TOY SQUEAKS Can I just say, David, that your eyes at that moment definitely said, "I wasn't expecting that.
" - This relaxes you before a fight? - Yeah.
When you say before a fight, you mean the hour before? When I'm in the hotel before the fight.
I normally get to the hotel If I'm fighting at 10pm, I get to the hotel around four or five, just chilling out there, I'll just lie on the bed just thinking TOY SQUEAKS And it makes me feel comfortable.
Then I go to sleep, wake up, I'm charged - feeling good.
What about the people in the room, next to you in the hotel, what are they thinking is happening? Yeah, do they think you're making love to a clown? - Are we allowed to look at it? - Yeah.
- Yes.
- Let's have a little look.
TOY SQUEAKS - Right, it has been quite chewed.
- It has been chewed.
So, what are you going to see, Lee, is it the truth or has he made this up? - I don't know.
What do we think? - No.
- You don't think he? No, I think that's a lie.
- What do you think? - It is well-chewed.
- TOY SQUEAKS - But then, somebody here, backstage, could have chewed on it - for a couple - That's a hard job, isn't it? "What am I doing today?" "Well, it's your lucky day - "get chewing on that for two hours.
" They might have done.
"I hate this job!" TOY SQUEAKS "One day, I'm going to be Director-General.
" So what are you going to say? - We'll go for a lie.
- You're saying it's a lie? - Yeah.
OK, David, truth or lie? It's a lie.
Bob, you're up next I recently had to charm a spider out of my shoe by tooting a flute at it.
David's team So, where were you? - I was at home.
- So was this spider a normal British domestic spider? - Yes.
- How big was it, Bob? - It was - It's blackbut - And what colour was it? It's not the ones that have got a little body and big long legs.
Sorry, it wasn't the type with a small body and long legs? - No.
- What type was it? - You can work the rest out yourself, surely? - Big body, small legs.
- Yeah.
- Was this a gerbil? - No, that's a bird, you idiot.
- If it was a gerbil, I would have used a lute! Honestly It's actually just a very everyday situation.
My wife doesn't like spiders, very scared of them.
It's kind of my job to get rid of spiders.
I don't like them either, I'm not going to use my hands or whatever.
Can you mime the blow moment? - Don't fall for this.
- Sorry? He gets me with this every week, don't fall for it, Bob.
"I've got just the thing for you if you haven't got a flute - "close your eyes.
" Don't fall for it, do not - Did you blow it into the shoe? - Yes, I blew down the flute to bring it out into the heel area.
- These were a kind of snakeskin elastic slipper.
- Yeah.
Just under the windowsill - above where the cat litter is I put them there cos I wanted to get that height and it didn't come out.
- So you moved - I tapped it - .
.
the slipper with the spider in it? I moved it, facing the cupboard where I keep the plates - it's got little holes in it - and the spider emerged.
So, the spider emerged but didn't leave the shoe or slipper? - No, it didn't leave the slipper.
- Didn't leave the slipper Had a look around Back in? So you were no better off, were you? I didn't feel like I was better off, but at least I found out that we owned a flute, as a family.
If I was scared of spiders, I wouldn't go anywhere near that slipper.
I'd just leave it.
I'm not that scared.
- I'm ginger about them.
- OK.
- Ginger? - Is that right? - DAVID: It is.
- It's a word.
I'm just not sure it's the correct word in that situation.
You pick something up gingerly.
It doesn't just mean the flavour ginger.
A ginger nut is not just a biscuit.
It could be a tentative testicle.
LAUGHTER Do you now know who the flute belongs to? - Yes, of course, it was my son's flute.
- Is he a flautist? No.
We hoped he would be, but he could never find the flute.
APPLAUSE Well, what are you thinking? - Well, what I'm confused by is if you fear spiders - I do a bit.
.
.
and you believe that there's a spider in this shoe, - I think you would be afraid to move the shoe.
- Not at all.
I also think you would have worried about, as you go to take the breath to blow it, you accidentally breathe in.
Yeah, yeah, yeah! I don't have to breathe in to breathe out.
LAUGHTER Michael, which way are you leaning? It sounds too much like the surreal world of Bob Mortimer to be actually the truth, I think it's a lie.
It's a lie? Do you think it's a lie? Nobody in the world owns a flute really, do they? - We think it's a lie.
- You think it's a lie.
Bob, truth or lie? It was A lie.
APPLAUSE It's John.
OK.
I once saw a six-foot goldfish in the jungles of South America.
Lee's team.
- Were you working? - I was working.
- What were you doing? - I was filming this village, this tribe, and they made me drink the hallucinogenic drug.
Are you telling us now you imagined you saw a six-foot goldfish? Yeah.
I don't think I imagined it - I mean, he spoke to me.
He can't have been APPLAUSE What did he say? He said, "How's it going, man?" And what did you say? I didn't say very much, because it isn't very often that a six-foot goldfish with a straw hat speaks to you.
It's a rarity.
- I think you'd agree.
- Oh, definitely.
- It doesn't happen every day.
He had a straw hat on.
And what did you have? This hallucinogenic drug they drink, and I thought I could take a little sip, and say, "Oh, yes, how nice, thank you very much.
"Perhaps I'll drink the rest later," or something.
The whole village crowded round to watch me drink it.
Are you sure they were there, John? Of course they were there! I'd crowd around too if I was going to watch an old white man get off his face for the first time ever! And at first, nothing happened, and I was a little bit disappointed, and then the moon, there was a full moon, and it kind of came down on a spring right in my face, and the trees started talking to one another.
Have I still got you with me? "Back to you in the studio.
" "John Simpson, off me face, Afghanistan.
" All right, so what are you thinking? - I think he probably is telling the truth.
- I think it's a lie.
I say it's a lie too.
OK, they are saying it's a lie.
John, truth or lie? Well, it's true.
APPLAUSE Kate, you're next.
I used to eat so many carrots that I began to turn orange.
Lee's team.
Have you always had red hair? - Yes.
- So it wasn't that that caused it.
They made my face and my hands and my arms and this part of me go orange.
How many carrots were you eating? Well, about 25 on a normal day.
25 carrots?! Are you talking batons or real carrots? Real ones - big, hairy, organic carrots.
If things got stressful and there was a lot of things going on, I could hit up to 50.
50 carrots a day? Why were you doing this? Why would you not? They're really nice.
- No! - They're not THAT nice.
Have you ever tried a Twix? If you like carrots, a Twix will blow you away.
Kate, have you ever seen the original film The Thing From Outer Space? James Arness plays the Thing, about nine feet tall, and they called him the carrot man.
Is that what inspired you? LAUGHTER That's what I call a very specific question.
I'll tell you, Brian, I did drink a lot of tea, I used to drink 25 cups of that, and I had to stop.
In place of the 25 cups of tea, I ate carrots instead.
- So the carrots were your tea methadone.
- Yes.
And what did you get off the carrots with? Heroin! And as soon as you stopped, it stopped, did it? Well, it was a fight, Lee.
It was a fight to give up - these things that I'd loved.
- But they're not addictive, carrots.
- They're not like tea.
- How do you know? They really are.
I tell you how I know, cos I have a few and that's enough.
You're telling yourself you haven't got a problem, Lee! So, Lee and team, what are you thinking of this? - Could she be telling the truth? - Kevin.
- I think it's the truth.
- OK.
Brian? - I think you're telling the truth.
- OK.
- Two truths.
- I'll go with my team.
- OK.
- My team say true.
They're saying true.
So, Kate, was that the truth or was it a lie? My love for carrots is absolutely true.
Wow! - Martin Kemp, you're next.
- All right.
- Here we go.
- Come on, Kempy.
Come on! I was once rescued by London Underground staff after my New Romantic pantaloons got trapped in the escalator.
David's team.
- Can you describe the pantaloons? - Pantaloons are like.
.
Oh, he's standing up.
In those days, they used to come up to about there, up past your ankles, and they would kind of bend out like this.
Like pirate's trousers.
Yeah.
Like pirate's trousers.
Vivienne Westwood.
How long ago was this? 1980s.
Really early, though.
This was before the band started.
So it was while I was still going to the Blitz, which was kind of In the '40s?! Listen LEE IMITATES AIR RAID SIREN The last of the great pop cultures.
- So, when you say the Blitz, this is a nightclub.
- A nightclub.
And I used to wear these pantaloons.
And one night, we decided to have a party on the Circle Line that would completely just keep going around and around.
Getting down to the Tube, my pantaloons got stuck in the escalator.
And how long did it take them to arrive and free you? - Oh, it was a good 20 minutes.
- Did it stop? - Did they turn off the escalator? - Yeah.
It actually got jammed.
- It got jammed? - Yeah, there was some kind of monitor in it or something.
- It stopped it.
- Back in what day was this? - 1982? I don't like the sensors.
There's no sensors back then.
People used to get their fingers chopped off and all sorts.
- In the early '80s - This jammed it.
It went right in And as soon as you jammed in it, it stopped automatically? Yeah, because it pulled half of my trousers down.
I don't believe that an early '80s pantaloon would be enough to stop the mechanism of the whole escalator.
What decade of pantaloon would have been able to do that? - Listen - Like a real pirate hessian pantaloon, that could stop anything.
- That is exactly what they were.
- Right.
What are you thinking? I can see that the Haymaker is very dismissive.
Well, I think it's a very good point you make about the mechanisms - of early '80s escalators.
- Yeah.
- Some of them were wooden.
- Yeah.
- I think they'd just keep turning.
I don't think they'd stop because of a pantaloon.
What year was the digital watch made? That was like - Yeah, that will tie this all up together.
- No, no, no.
You're saying that the time when they just had digital watches, they had sensors that sensed when someone's trousers were stuck in a lift that stopped? I don't buy it.
Don't underestimate the voluminosity of a Spandau Ballet pantaloon in '82.
They were big.
There was a lot of material in those pantaloons.
Well, there had to be.
- So, what are you going to say, David? - You think true.
- I think true, yeah.
- And you think lie.
- I think lie.
- I think it's a lie.
- All right, Martin, is it a lie or is it true? This much is lie.
David, you're up next.
I've yet to find the courage to make a contactless card payment.
I considered it once, but decided that full PIN entry was the safer method.
Lee's team, what do you think of that? What do you fear, David? - Well, it's a security risk, isn't it? - Why is it a security risk? Well, because you don't have to put in your PIN.
The only security that's relevant is that you know it's you.
If you know it's fine, contactless and the PIN is the same thing.
Who among us can be sure of who we really are? Where did you consider using it, David? I've considered it a few times in a few places cos sometimes people suggest it, which I think's rather forward.
You know, they suggest it - "I'm sorry, am I keeping you?" You know, "You haven't got time for me to enter four digits now?" - Do you have an Oyster card? - Yes.
Ah, so you're happy with contactless there? If the Oyster card gave you the option of putting in a PIN, I'd be all for it, but that's never been set up like that.
And I'm not so weird as to go into Oyster HQ and ask to have a particular high-security Oyster card issued especially for me.
It's very hard to get into Oyster HQ, isn't it? You have to get, like, a knife, and prise it open.
You have to get past Pearl on reception! Hey! Come on! Have you ever used it, then? Have you used it once? Erm I've yet to find the courage, so no.
- You have a mobile phone.
- I have a mobile phone.
Would you ever use Apple Pay? We can't call it that.
Orange Well, we can't do that.
They're a company as well.
Would you ever use, um, Pay? Would you ever use your mobile phone? You can.
Cos I sometimes do that.
I'm quite happy to get my phone out in M&S.
And I feel quite cool.
I hold it and it pays it.
"Do you want the receipt? No".
LAUGHTER No, I've never paid for anything like that.
You've never played for anything with Apple Pay? - No.
- What? What are you talking about? Have you just got a new? Are you starting some new advert that we don't know about, Rob? LAUGHTER All right, so what do you think? - What do we think? - I'm very scared of it, so - Scared of - .
.
I empathise with that, so, yeah, why not? - Yeah, OK.
It seems so obviously him.
LAUGHTER You've got to go for a true.
I think he fears it, yeah.
OK.
You are saying it's true? David, you fear contactless payment.
Truth or lie? It is, in fact a lie.
Ooh, he loves it.
APPLAUSE Tracy-Ann, you are up next.
I have never, ever drunk a can of fizzy drink in my life.
- What?! - LAUGHTER Never.
Ever? There's a limit to what we can ask here.
- LAUGHTER - Have you ever had a can of Coke? - Never.
- Oh! Erm LAUGHTER 7-Up? Nope.
Do you not like fizzy drinks? All the evidence is there, isn't it? LAUGHTER How do you know you don't like fizzy drink? Because, to me, even as a child, water was something that was natural and lovely and pure.
- Why somebody would stick carbon - As a child? - As a teenager?! - .
.
with a whole load of sugar Even as a young child, it just felt like the devil's work.
So, Tracy-Ann, can I tempt you to try a sugary carbonated drink? But Now, would you be willing to try one of these? Bring it over.
And, well, let's see how far I can get in the process.
Look, the whole thing with the big, famous one.
It's 125 years old.
It's a secret recipe.
The fact that it is still a secret, after 125 years, means it was made by the devil.
LAUGHTER This is a diet drink.
This is full sugar.
And this is also a sugary drink.
Rob, can I ask what is the point of this exercise? LAUGHTER To see if I'm lying! Well, if No, because obviously you're clearly going to be capable of going, "Oh, no.
I don't want a fizzy drink.
" You're not going to be such a fizzy drink addict that you can't stop yourself from going, - "Oh, yes, I do love it!" - LAUGHTER "I do love it.
Absolutely!" "Yes, it was a lie and I'd do it again!" LAUGHTER Because, if she is telling the truth, what a lovely opportunity.
How often have you seen a grown woman taking her first sips of a sugary carbonated drink? LAUGHTER - The best thing this can be is cruel.
- LAUGHTER Right, OK.
Which one are you going for? That one.
Don't I don't want So, we can lose these two? - Let's bring it here.
- You haven't sha I haven't Shut your face.
You've made the most light entertainment bit I've ever seen! "Lose them two.
Those are safe.
"That's your bus fare home".
LAUGHTER "They're fine.
"You're just playing now for the red can, love.
"Just the red can!" APPLAUSE Where have you come from tonight, Tracy-Ann? LAUGHTER Do you want to give a wave to everybody back home there? LAUGHTER She's gone for the red can.
So, this may or may not be Tracy-Ann's first time - drinking a sugary carbonated drink.
- Oh, God! - Go on, Tracey.
Don't drink it if you don't want to! - Yeah.
- You've made your point! - Have I? Have I? - You don't have to! CAN CLICKS AND FIZZES - LAUGHTER - I'm getting better at the opening.
No.
It'sit's wrong.
- Can you not even sip it? - No.
- I think that's So, you're definitively saying that you are not going to drink it? - GASPING - She's drinking it.
- Ooh! Oh, my God! It's everything I thought it was going to be! It's disgusting! LAUGHTER Ooh, get used that phrase, Rob.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Horrible! LAUGHTER All right.
There we are.
So, what are you going to say? Was she acting? - I think you are brilliant.
- She's been in EastEnders.
Would she be that good an actress to convince you? LAUGHTER I instinctively I liked the - The shining cans were great.
- Yes, yes.
You know, the different colours.
- I think it's a great addition to the format.
- Yes.
LAUGHTER I think we think it's a lie.
OK.
Tracy-Ann truth or lie? - It's the truth.
- Ah! - No! APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH Hugh, you're up next.
As a child, my family weren't able to have a dog.
So, instead, we got a cat and treated it like a dog.
LAUGHTER David's team? When you say "weren't able to have a dog", was there a medical reason for it? LAUGHTER No.
It was Essentially, there was nowhere to exercise a dog, where we lived.
So my parents decided that it wasn't really fair have a dog.
- Where did you live? - So, I wasn't able Well, weirdly, it was called the Isle of Dogs.
LAUGHTER What was the cat called? The cat was called Kisska.
- Kisska? - Yeah.
If anything, it's quite a feline name.
Isn't it? Well, it was a cat.
Of course LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH How do you treat a cat like a dog? You put it on a lead and you take it for walks.
LAUGHTER Isn't that exercising the cat? That is exercising the cat.
I thought that was the very reason why you couldn't have a dog.
LAUGHTER That you were unable to exercise it.
LAUGHTER Wherever we went during the day, the cat came with us.
- On a lead.
- Yeah, on a lead, butbut the lead isn't really long enough for a cat, so we used to tie a 30-foot washing line LAUGHTER .
.
to the lead, and you could walk at least 30 yards.
And dry your clothes at the same time! When you would take this You'd take the cat out in the car, what would be the arrangement in the car, if you were going on a journey? Well, my dad built the cat a shelf, which went .
.
from the dashboard of the passenger seat - And slotted in - Can I just say? .
.
slotted into the metal of the headrest.
.
.
if this turns out to be a lie and they get it right that it's a lie, you have made life extremely hard for yourself.
Why couldn't the cat just be the on the seat? Why does the cat need a shelf? Cos the cat couldn't see if it was on the seat.
So what are you thinking, David's team? The thing that I find very believable, cos I don't think Hugh would have invented it, is the shelf.
It's not actually treating a cat like a dog or like a cat but just like, I don't know, like a book.
Or like a catalogue.
- What are you going to say? - Do you think a lie? - I think a lie.
- I think a lie.
- A lie? Well, we'll say it's a lie.
You're going to say it's a lie, OK.
Hugh Dennis, is it true or is it a lie? It is in fact - true.
- Ah! Nick, you're next.
I'm the BBC Newsroom's rock, paper, scissors champion.
Having recently stolen the crown from George Alagiah.
- Oh, Lee's team.
- How often is the championship? Quite often at the end of a news bulletin, people are there.
There's a championship at the end of every news bulletin? Not everyone but, you know, if it's not been a particularly stressful day.
How often would you say that you've had a championship at this in your office? Not every day is the championship but there might be a particular contest.
I'll ask you one more time, Nick, and then You know how frustrated you get when you are interviewing a politician? I'll put it to you.
How often is what you would call the championship? I think it's more random than it is regular.
See, I was often at Downing Street doing broadcasting Is there a delay between when I'm speaking and to what your ears are perceiving? Cos I want to know, an average, per year, how many times you would have what they call a championship.
And, trust me, I will not stop asking this question.
- I am persistent.
- Around about 20 a year.
- 20 a year.
So you are the current champion.
Who was the one that you took over from? - George Alagiah.
- George Alagiah.
Who was the previous champion before George? - Huw Edwards.
- And before him? - Fiona Bruce.
- All right, let me rephrase the question.
Can you just randomly list newsreaders? Because I can't help thinking that's what's going on here.
There's another easy way.
Why don't you nominate, Lee, someone in your team to represent your team in rock, paper, scissors? So you want to prove he's telling the truth, we're going to give him a chance to have a 50-50 chance of getting It's not 50-50, is it? If you went up against Derren Brown, I reckon he'd probably win 100% of the time.
Do you know what? Weirdly, I'm joking but there is actually, and this is true I know there is, so why don't you try this technique now, you idiot? OK.
That's what I'm trying to get you to do.
Oh, I see.
So we'll play now, then, between It'll be you representing you.
- Right, can I just? - You've got to work out at what point you're going to show your paper or your Because something to do with, on the third, or they do one, two, three, and then do it.
Thank you, Sarah.
This show does have a host.
I can guarantee that I'll win over best of three.
What we're going to do is I'm going to say something to you and then you can't pause, - you've just got to do it.
- OK.
- So, are you ready? Right, can I genuinely say I think you're a terrible broadcaster.
Here we go.
One, two, three, boom.
- Oh! Rock beats scissors.
He's beaten you.
- Oh.
- Good, good.
- One-nil.
- Don't let him get to you.
Are you ready for the second one? And can I also say, genuinely, that your glasses are awful.
One, two, three, boom.
- Oh, paper beats rock.
- Yes! So we've reached possibly the most tense moment of this competition.
It's a decider.
Lee, do you want to try some subterfuge? Backstage, you're a bit smelly.
One, two, three, boom.
ALL: Oh! We've got to try again.
We've got to go again.
I'm running out of insults and I don't want to say bald.
But you've left me no option.
I didn't know it was going to go to a penalty shootout.
Here we go.
Can you imagine if this gives me the draw by number 27? "I've had your wife!" - Here we go.
- She still remembers? One, two, three, boom.
Yeah! Oh, my word.
Come on.
That will do, that will do.
The theory still holds.
Cos it would have to be over a longer period of time.
There has been some scientific evidence to prove that if you insult somebody directly before rock, paper, scissors, they are slightly more likely to use scissors.
You're saying somebody got a grant to do research on that.
- Well, Nick is obviously very good at it.
He's beaten you.
- Yes.
Is he the Newsroom champion? OK, we'll say it's a lie.
OK.
Nick, truth or lie? It is a lie.
Nice work, team.
Nice work.
Well, that's all we've time for on this special edition of Would I Lie To You? Thanks for watching.
Goodnight.
Nick Robinson.
Nadiya Hussain.
David Haye.
Romesh Ranganathan.
Catherine Ryan.
John Simpson.
Professor Kate Williams.
Michael Smiley.
And Jason Manford.
And joining Lee Mack tonight Bob Mortimer.
Mel Giedroyc.
Harry Shearer.
Brian Blessed.
Diane Morgan.
Martin Kemp.
Sara Cox.
Hugh Dennis.
And Tracy-Ann Oberman.
So we begin with Round 1, Home Truths, where our panellists each read out a statement from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've never seen the card before - they've no idea what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
David Haye, you're first up tonight - Possession.
- Possession, ah, there's a box under your desk.
- There's a little card in there - Yeah.
Just read the card first and then show us what's in the box.
This is a dog toy I chew to release tension before a fight.
Right, now, pop the toy on the desk, put the box back down.
Do you chew this every fight? Before every fight, yeah.
Like, day-of situation.
Do what you do, David, before Imagine it's before a fight.
TOY SQUEAKS Can I just say, David, that your eyes at that moment definitely said, "I wasn't expecting that.
" - This relaxes you before a fight? - Yeah.
When you say before a fight, you mean the hour before? When I'm in the hotel before the fight.
I normally get to the hotel If I'm fighting at 10pm, I get to the hotel around four or five, just chilling out there, I'll just lie on the bed just thinking TOY SQUEAKS And it makes me feel comfortable.
Then I go to sleep, wake up, I'm charged - feeling good.
What about the people in the room, next to you in the hotel, what are they thinking is happening? Yeah, do they think you're making love to a clown? - Are we allowed to look at it? - Yeah.
- Yes.
- Let's have a little look.
TOY SQUEAKS - Right, it has been quite chewed.
- It has been chewed.
So, what are you going to see, Lee, is it the truth or has he made this up? - I don't know.
What do we think? - No.
- You don't think he? No, I think that's a lie.
- What do you think? - It is well-chewed.
- TOY SQUEAKS - But then, somebody here, backstage, could have chewed on it - for a couple - That's a hard job, isn't it? "What am I doing today?" "Well, it's your lucky day - "get chewing on that for two hours.
" They might have done.
"I hate this job!" TOY SQUEAKS "One day, I'm going to be Director-General.
" So what are you going to say? - We'll go for a lie.
- You're saying it's a lie? - Yeah.
OK, David, truth or lie? It's a lie.
Bob, you're up next I recently had to charm a spider out of my shoe by tooting a flute at it.
David's team So, where were you? - I was at home.
- So was this spider a normal British domestic spider? - Yes.
- How big was it, Bob? - It was - It's blackbut - And what colour was it? It's not the ones that have got a little body and big long legs.
Sorry, it wasn't the type with a small body and long legs? - No.
- What type was it? - You can work the rest out yourself, surely? - Big body, small legs.
- Yeah.
- Was this a gerbil? - No, that's a bird, you idiot.
- If it was a gerbil, I would have used a lute! Honestly It's actually just a very everyday situation.
My wife doesn't like spiders, very scared of them.
It's kind of my job to get rid of spiders.
I don't like them either, I'm not going to use my hands or whatever.
Can you mime the blow moment? - Don't fall for this.
- Sorry? He gets me with this every week, don't fall for it, Bob.
"I've got just the thing for you if you haven't got a flute - "close your eyes.
" Don't fall for it, do not - Did you blow it into the shoe? - Yes, I blew down the flute to bring it out into the heel area.
- These were a kind of snakeskin elastic slipper.
- Yeah.
Just under the windowsill - above where the cat litter is I put them there cos I wanted to get that height and it didn't come out.
- So you moved - I tapped it - .
.
the slipper with the spider in it? I moved it, facing the cupboard where I keep the plates - it's got little holes in it - and the spider emerged.
So, the spider emerged but didn't leave the shoe or slipper? - No, it didn't leave the slipper.
- Didn't leave the slipper Had a look around Back in? So you were no better off, were you? I didn't feel like I was better off, but at least I found out that we owned a flute, as a family.
If I was scared of spiders, I wouldn't go anywhere near that slipper.
I'd just leave it.
I'm not that scared.
- I'm ginger about them.
- OK.
- Ginger? - Is that right? - DAVID: It is.
- It's a word.
I'm just not sure it's the correct word in that situation.
You pick something up gingerly.
It doesn't just mean the flavour ginger.
A ginger nut is not just a biscuit.
It could be a tentative testicle.
LAUGHTER Do you now know who the flute belongs to? - Yes, of course, it was my son's flute.
- Is he a flautist? No.
We hoped he would be, but he could never find the flute.
APPLAUSE Well, what are you thinking? - Well, what I'm confused by is if you fear spiders - I do a bit.
.
.
and you believe that there's a spider in this shoe, - I think you would be afraid to move the shoe.
- Not at all.
I also think you would have worried about, as you go to take the breath to blow it, you accidentally breathe in.
Yeah, yeah, yeah! I don't have to breathe in to breathe out.
LAUGHTER Michael, which way are you leaning? It sounds too much like the surreal world of Bob Mortimer to be actually the truth, I think it's a lie.
It's a lie? Do you think it's a lie? Nobody in the world owns a flute really, do they? - We think it's a lie.
- You think it's a lie.
Bob, truth or lie? It was A lie.
APPLAUSE It's John.
OK.
I once saw a six-foot goldfish in the jungles of South America.
Lee's team.
- Were you working? - I was working.
- What were you doing? - I was filming this village, this tribe, and they made me drink the hallucinogenic drug.
Are you telling us now you imagined you saw a six-foot goldfish? Yeah.
I don't think I imagined it - I mean, he spoke to me.
He can't have been APPLAUSE What did he say? He said, "How's it going, man?" And what did you say? I didn't say very much, because it isn't very often that a six-foot goldfish with a straw hat speaks to you.
It's a rarity.
- I think you'd agree.
- Oh, definitely.
- It doesn't happen every day.
He had a straw hat on.
And what did you have? This hallucinogenic drug they drink, and I thought I could take a little sip, and say, "Oh, yes, how nice, thank you very much.
"Perhaps I'll drink the rest later," or something.
The whole village crowded round to watch me drink it.
Are you sure they were there, John? Of course they were there! I'd crowd around too if I was going to watch an old white man get off his face for the first time ever! And at first, nothing happened, and I was a little bit disappointed, and then the moon, there was a full moon, and it kind of came down on a spring right in my face, and the trees started talking to one another.
Have I still got you with me? "Back to you in the studio.
" "John Simpson, off me face, Afghanistan.
" All right, so what are you thinking? - I think he probably is telling the truth.
- I think it's a lie.
I say it's a lie too.
OK, they are saying it's a lie.
John, truth or lie? Well, it's true.
APPLAUSE Kate, you're next.
I used to eat so many carrots that I began to turn orange.
Lee's team.
Have you always had red hair? - Yes.
- So it wasn't that that caused it.
They made my face and my hands and my arms and this part of me go orange.
How many carrots were you eating? Well, about 25 on a normal day.
25 carrots?! Are you talking batons or real carrots? Real ones - big, hairy, organic carrots.
If things got stressful and there was a lot of things going on, I could hit up to 50.
50 carrots a day? Why were you doing this? Why would you not? They're really nice.
- No! - They're not THAT nice.
Have you ever tried a Twix? If you like carrots, a Twix will blow you away.
Kate, have you ever seen the original film The Thing From Outer Space? James Arness plays the Thing, about nine feet tall, and they called him the carrot man.
Is that what inspired you? LAUGHTER That's what I call a very specific question.
I'll tell you, Brian, I did drink a lot of tea, I used to drink 25 cups of that, and I had to stop.
In place of the 25 cups of tea, I ate carrots instead.
- So the carrots were your tea methadone.
- Yes.
And what did you get off the carrots with? Heroin! And as soon as you stopped, it stopped, did it? Well, it was a fight, Lee.
It was a fight to give up - these things that I'd loved.
- But they're not addictive, carrots.
- They're not like tea.
- How do you know? They really are.
I tell you how I know, cos I have a few and that's enough.
You're telling yourself you haven't got a problem, Lee! So, Lee and team, what are you thinking of this? - Could she be telling the truth? - Kevin.
- I think it's the truth.
- OK.
Brian? - I think you're telling the truth.
- OK.
- Two truths.
- I'll go with my team.
- OK.
- My team say true.
They're saying true.
So, Kate, was that the truth or was it a lie? My love for carrots is absolutely true.
Wow! - Martin Kemp, you're next.
- All right.
- Here we go.
- Come on, Kempy.
Come on! I was once rescued by London Underground staff after my New Romantic pantaloons got trapped in the escalator.
David's team.
- Can you describe the pantaloons? - Pantaloons are like.
.
Oh, he's standing up.
In those days, they used to come up to about there, up past your ankles, and they would kind of bend out like this.
Like pirate's trousers.
Yeah.
Like pirate's trousers.
Vivienne Westwood.
How long ago was this? 1980s.
Really early, though.
This was before the band started.
So it was while I was still going to the Blitz, which was kind of In the '40s?! Listen LEE IMITATES AIR RAID SIREN The last of the great pop cultures.
- So, when you say the Blitz, this is a nightclub.
- A nightclub.
And I used to wear these pantaloons.
And one night, we decided to have a party on the Circle Line that would completely just keep going around and around.
Getting down to the Tube, my pantaloons got stuck in the escalator.
And how long did it take them to arrive and free you? - Oh, it was a good 20 minutes.
- Did it stop? - Did they turn off the escalator? - Yeah.
It actually got jammed.
- It got jammed? - Yeah, there was some kind of monitor in it or something.
- It stopped it.
- Back in what day was this? - 1982? I don't like the sensors.
There's no sensors back then.
People used to get their fingers chopped off and all sorts.
- In the early '80s - This jammed it.
It went right in And as soon as you jammed in it, it stopped automatically? Yeah, because it pulled half of my trousers down.
I don't believe that an early '80s pantaloon would be enough to stop the mechanism of the whole escalator.
What decade of pantaloon would have been able to do that? - Listen - Like a real pirate hessian pantaloon, that could stop anything.
- That is exactly what they were.
- Right.
What are you thinking? I can see that the Haymaker is very dismissive.
Well, I think it's a very good point you make about the mechanisms - of early '80s escalators.
- Yeah.
- Some of them were wooden.
- Yeah.
- I think they'd just keep turning.
I don't think they'd stop because of a pantaloon.
What year was the digital watch made? That was like - Yeah, that will tie this all up together.
- No, no, no.
You're saying that the time when they just had digital watches, they had sensors that sensed when someone's trousers were stuck in a lift that stopped? I don't buy it.
Don't underestimate the voluminosity of a Spandau Ballet pantaloon in '82.
They were big.
There was a lot of material in those pantaloons.
Well, there had to be.
- So, what are you going to say, David? - You think true.
- I think true, yeah.
- And you think lie.
- I think lie.
- I think it's a lie.
- All right, Martin, is it a lie or is it true? This much is lie.
David, you're up next.
I've yet to find the courage to make a contactless card payment.
I considered it once, but decided that full PIN entry was the safer method.
Lee's team, what do you think of that? What do you fear, David? - Well, it's a security risk, isn't it? - Why is it a security risk? Well, because you don't have to put in your PIN.
The only security that's relevant is that you know it's you.
If you know it's fine, contactless and the PIN is the same thing.
Who among us can be sure of who we really are? Where did you consider using it, David? I've considered it a few times in a few places cos sometimes people suggest it, which I think's rather forward.
You know, they suggest it - "I'm sorry, am I keeping you?" You know, "You haven't got time for me to enter four digits now?" - Do you have an Oyster card? - Yes.
Ah, so you're happy with contactless there? If the Oyster card gave you the option of putting in a PIN, I'd be all for it, but that's never been set up like that.
And I'm not so weird as to go into Oyster HQ and ask to have a particular high-security Oyster card issued especially for me.
It's very hard to get into Oyster HQ, isn't it? You have to get, like, a knife, and prise it open.
You have to get past Pearl on reception! Hey! Come on! Have you ever used it, then? Have you used it once? Erm I've yet to find the courage, so no.
- You have a mobile phone.
- I have a mobile phone.
Would you ever use Apple Pay? We can't call it that.
Orange Well, we can't do that.
They're a company as well.
Would you ever use, um, Pay? Would you ever use your mobile phone? You can.
Cos I sometimes do that.
I'm quite happy to get my phone out in M&S.
And I feel quite cool.
I hold it and it pays it.
"Do you want the receipt? No".
LAUGHTER No, I've never paid for anything like that.
You've never played for anything with Apple Pay? - No.
- What? What are you talking about? Have you just got a new? Are you starting some new advert that we don't know about, Rob? LAUGHTER All right, so what do you think? - What do we think? - I'm very scared of it, so - Scared of - .
.
I empathise with that, so, yeah, why not? - Yeah, OK.
It seems so obviously him.
LAUGHTER You've got to go for a true.
I think he fears it, yeah.
OK.
You are saying it's true? David, you fear contactless payment.
Truth or lie? It is, in fact a lie.
Ooh, he loves it.
APPLAUSE Tracy-Ann, you are up next.
I have never, ever drunk a can of fizzy drink in my life.
- What?! - LAUGHTER Never.
Ever? There's a limit to what we can ask here.
- LAUGHTER - Have you ever had a can of Coke? - Never.
- Oh! Erm LAUGHTER 7-Up? Nope.
Do you not like fizzy drinks? All the evidence is there, isn't it? LAUGHTER How do you know you don't like fizzy drink? Because, to me, even as a child, water was something that was natural and lovely and pure.
- Why somebody would stick carbon - As a child? - As a teenager?! - .
.
with a whole load of sugar Even as a young child, it just felt like the devil's work.
So, Tracy-Ann, can I tempt you to try a sugary carbonated drink? But Now, would you be willing to try one of these? Bring it over.
And, well, let's see how far I can get in the process.
Look, the whole thing with the big, famous one.
It's 125 years old.
It's a secret recipe.
The fact that it is still a secret, after 125 years, means it was made by the devil.
LAUGHTER This is a diet drink.
This is full sugar.
And this is also a sugary drink.
Rob, can I ask what is the point of this exercise? LAUGHTER To see if I'm lying! Well, if No, because obviously you're clearly going to be capable of going, "Oh, no.
I don't want a fizzy drink.
" You're not going to be such a fizzy drink addict that you can't stop yourself from going, - "Oh, yes, I do love it!" - LAUGHTER "I do love it.
Absolutely!" "Yes, it was a lie and I'd do it again!" LAUGHTER Because, if she is telling the truth, what a lovely opportunity.
How often have you seen a grown woman taking her first sips of a sugary carbonated drink? LAUGHTER - The best thing this can be is cruel.
- LAUGHTER Right, OK.
Which one are you going for? That one.
Don't I don't want So, we can lose these two? - Let's bring it here.
- You haven't sha I haven't Shut your face.
You've made the most light entertainment bit I've ever seen! "Lose them two.
Those are safe.
"That's your bus fare home".
LAUGHTER "They're fine.
"You're just playing now for the red can, love.
"Just the red can!" APPLAUSE Where have you come from tonight, Tracy-Ann? LAUGHTER Do you want to give a wave to everybody back home there? LAUGHTER She's gone for the red can.
So, this may or may not be Tracy-Ann's first time - drinking a sugary carbonated drink.
- Oh, God! - Go on, Tracey.
Don't drink it if you don't want to! - Yeah.
- You've made your point! - Have I? Have I? - You don't have to! CAN CLICKS AND FIZZES - LAUGHTER - I'm getting better at the opening.
No.
It'sit's wrong.
- Can you not even sip it? - No.
- I think that's So, you're definitively saying that you are not going to drink it? - GASPING - She's drinking it.
- Ooh! Oh, my God! It's everything I thought it was going to be! It's disgusting! LAUGHTER Ooh, get used that phrase, Rob.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Horrible! LAUGHTER All right.
There we are.
So, what are you going to say? Was she acting? - I think you are brilliant.
- She's been in EastEnders.
Would she be that good an actress to convince you? LAUGHTER I instinctively I liked the - The shining cans were great.
- Yes, yes.
You know, the different colours.
- I think it's a great addition to the format.
- Yes.
LAUGHTER I think we think it's a lie.
OK.
Tracy-Ann truth or lie? - It's the truth.
- Ah! - No! APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH Hugh, you're up next.
As a child, my family weren't able to have a dog.
So, instead, we got a cat and treated it like a dog.
LAUGHTER David's team? When you say "weren't able to have a dog", was there a medical reason for it? LAUGHTER No.
It was Essentially, there was nowhere to exercise a dog, where we lived.
So my parents decided that it wasn't really fair have a dog.
- Where did you live? - So, I wasn't able Well, weirdly, it was called the Isle of Dogs.
LAUGHTER What was the cat called? The cat was called Kisska.
- Kisska? - Yeah.
If anything, it's quite a feline name.
Isn't it? Well, it was a cat.
Of course LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH How do you treat a cat like a dog? You put it on a lead and you take it for walks.
LAUGHTER Isn't that exercising the cat? That is exercising the cat.
I thought that was the very reason why you couldn't have a dog.
LAUGHTER That you were unable to exercise it.
LAUGHTER Wherever we went during the day, the cat came with us.
- On a lead.
- Yeah, on a lead, butbut the lead isn't really long enough for a cat, so we used to tie a 30-foot washing line LAUGHTER .
.
to the lead, and you could walk at least 30 yards.
And dry your clothes at the same time! When you would take this You'd take the cat out in the car, what would be the arrangement in the car, if you were going on a journey? Well, my dad built the cat a shelf, which went .
.
from the dashboard of the passenger seat - And slotted in - Can I just say? .
.
slotted into the metal of the headrest.
.
.
if this turns out to be a lie and they get it right that it's a lie, you have made life extremely hard for yourself.
Why couldn't the cat just be the on the seat? Why does the cat need a shelf? Cos the cat couldn't see if it was on the seat.
So what are you thinking, David's team? The thing that I find very believable, cos I don't think Hugh would have invented it, is the shelf.
It's not actually treating a cat like a dog or like a cat but just like, I don't know, like a book.
Or like a catalogue.
- What are you going to say? - Do you think a lie? - I think a lie.
- I think a lie.
- A lie? Well, we'll say it's a lie.
You're going to say it's a lie, OK.
Hugh Dennis, is it true or is it a lie? It is in fact - true.
- Ah! Nick, you're next.
I'm the BBC Newsroom's rock, paper, scissors champion.
Having recently stolen the crown from George Alagiah.
- Oh, Lee's team.
- How often is the championship? Quite often at the end of a news bulletin, people are there.
There's a championship at the end of every news bulletin? Not everyone but, you know, if it's not been a particularly stressful day.
How often would you say that you've had a championship at this in your office? Not every day is the championship but there might be a particular contest.
I'll ask you one more time, Nick, and then You know how frustrated you get when you are interviewing a politician? I'll put it to you.
How often is what you would call the championship? I think it's more random than it is regular.
See, I was often at Downing Street doing broadcasting Is there a delay between when I'm speaking and to what your ears are perceiving? Cos I want to know, an average, per year, how many times you would have what they call a championship.
And, trust me, I will not stop asking this question.
- I am persistent.
- Around about 20 a year.
- 20 a year.
So you are the current champion.
Who was the one that you took over from? - George Alagiah.
- George Alagiah.
Who was the previous champion before George? - Huw Edwards.
- And before him? - Fiona Bruce.
- All right, let me rephrase the question.
Can you just randomly list newsreaders? Because I can't help thinking that's what's going on here.
There's another easy way.
Why don't you nominate, Lee, someone in your team to represent your team in rock, paper, scissors? So you want to prove he's telling the truth, we're going to give him a chance to have a 50-50 chance of getting It's not 50-50, is it? If you went up against Derren Brown, I reckon he'd probably win 100% of the time.
Do you know what? Weirdly, I'm joking but there is actually, and this is true I know there is, so why don't you try this technique now, you idiot? OK.
That's what I'm trying to get you to do.
Oh, I see.
So we'll play now, then, between It'll be you representing you.
- Right, can I just? - You've got to work out at what point you're going to show your paper or your Because something to do with, on the third, or they do one, two, three, and then do it.
Thank you, Sarah.
This show does have a host.
I can guarantee that I'll win over best of three.
What we're going to do is I'm going to say something to you and then you can't pause, - you've just got to do it.
- OK.
- So, are you ready? Right, can I genuinely say I think you're a terrible broadcaster.
Here we go.
One, two, three, boom.
- Oh! Rock beats scissors.
He's beaten you.
- Oh.
- Good, good.
- One-nil.
- Don't let him get to you.
Are you ready for the second one? And can I also say, genuinely, that your glasses are awful.
One, two, three, boom.
- Oh, paper beats rock.
- Yes! So we've reached possibly the most tense moment of this competition.
It's a decider.
Lee, do you want to try some subterfuge? Backstage, you're a bit smelly.
One, two, three, boom.
ALL: Oh! We've got to try again.
We've got to go again.
I'm running out of insults and I don't want to say bald.
But you've left me no option.
I didn't know it was going to go to a penalty shootout.
Here we go.
Can you imagine if this gives me the draw by number 27? "I've had your wife!" - Here we go.
- She still remembers? One, two, three, boom.
Yeah! Oh, my word.
Come on.
That will do, that will do.
The theory still holds.
Cos it would have to be over a longer period of time.
There has been some scientific evidence to prove that if you insult somebody directly before rock, paper, scissors, they are slightly more likely to use scissors.
You're saying somebody got a grant to do research on that.
- Well, Nick is obviously very good at it.
He's beaten you.
- Yes.
Is he the Newsroom champion? OK, we'll say it's a lie.
OK.
Nick, truth or lie? It is a lie.
Nice work, team.
Nice work.
Well, that's all we've time for on this special edition of Would I Lie To You? Thanks for watching.
Goodnight.