M*A*S*H (MASH) s10e10 Episode Script

- How's he doin'? - Hundred and four and a half.
- Oh, great.
- It's gone up? A hundred four and a half? - And that's not the worst of it.
- Uncle Yusef, don't go out tonight.
It's dangerous.
They know you stole the melons.
Poor fella.
That fever's got him crazy.
What do you think's causing it? Well, he complained of lower right abdominal pain.
With a little nausea, I'd say appendicitis.
He had some right back pain too.
Maybe it's his kidneys.
- Uncle, beware of someone in a hat.
- That's always good advice.
Uncle.
Listen.
The grandmother.
She knows.
She read your future in the dust balls under the bed.
Someday I've got to meet his family.
I got the lab reports.
What is this? You're all on this case? Well, he's our puppy too.
What'd you find out? Ah, his white count is up, red count is low.
He's got pus in his urine.
Gotta be a kidney infection with gram-negative sepsis.
Sorry, folks.
This afternoon is temporarily postponed.
- Wounded in the compound.
- Grandmother, you put a curse on my turnip.
Get some blood cultures, and do an I.
V.
P.
See if there's any obstruction in his urinary tract.
- You will find there isn't.
- Oh, says you.
He'd be all right if you hadn't cursed his turnip.
We've got enough casualties here.
What the hell kind of driving was that? This guy was almost dead when we left.
They told me every second counts.
Is he all right? Will he be okay? - He just never had a chance.
There's too much damage.
- Aw.
Damn! This man can make it, but we gotta get him right into O.
R.
Corpsman.
Put him down over there by the wall.
Colonel Potter, I'd like to help in triage, sir.
I'm a little shaky, but while I have any strength at all I'd like to pitch in.
Okay! Let's get this patient into pre-op! Hubba-hubba! - Orderly.
! - Goldman, get him someplace where he won't hurt himself.
Klinger, go lie down.
- Get him out of here.
He might be infectious.
- It's a kidney problem.
Let's be safe.
Get him over there against the wall.
I need an orderly.
Get this guy out of here.
These legs are damaged, but not too bad.
Give him something for pain, and he can wait.
- Get him out ofhere.
- How is he, Father? Can I help? There's nothing we can do, Klinger.
Private Weston is dead.
Aw.
A mouse has four paws.
Yes.
- But he doesn't wear a belt.
- Please.
L I'm going to administer the last rites.
Hey.
Hey! Are you sure I'm dead? 'Cause I don't feel dead.
Hey.
You gotta talk to him, will ya? I don't think I'm dead.
I mean it! Look at him.
He He's gonna give me last rites.
They're gonna put me in a bag, stick me in a truck, and that's gonna be it.
And I do not feel dead.
Can't you do somethin' about it? What can I do? Dead is dead, right? Right, Father? Just give me a minute now, Klinger.
L I have to concentrate.
Am I dead or what? I don't want to die.
Who wants to die? I don't want to die.
You're not going to die.
Now please.
I didn't bring the subject up.
Weston did.
- Weston is dead.
- Don't tell me.
Tell him.
Wait.
Wait a minute.
Wait a second.
Will you use your own hook? - I got no place to hang my clothes.
- First of all, this is my hook.
Secondly, it is not a hook.
It is a nail.
Thirdly, your shirt could stand up by itself.
I've been using that hook since long before you got here, bub.
You may have used it you may indeed have some unnatural attachment to it but the fact remains that is my hook.
See? My name.
My hook.
And this is a nail.
- Why don't you hang your stuff down here somewhere? Okay? - What? I do not want my name down there.
I want it here.
What difference does it make? Because the boards at that end of the bench are uneven, and they pinch my bottom.
- Does that satisfy your morbid curiosity? - Okay.
Okay.
That does it.
- That's fine.
Fine.
I'm giving you a new hook.
- Nail! - This is a nail.
It's not a hook.
- Go pinch your bottom.
Rave on, Macduff.
Rave on.
Sir, am I dead? Hammer away, you pathetic fool.
Look.
Really.
I don't feel dead.
There's just gotta be a mistake.
Although I must say, for my taste, the entertainment value of fools is vastly overrat What have you done to my shirt? - You're right.
It is a nail.
- My shirt! You imbecile! You sub-moronic cretinous idiot! My shirt! - Hey.
Fellas.
- No, no, no! Ow! God! No, no! No, no! These are folded wrong! I should be able to pick it up with two fingers and pop it open.
These'll take three, maybe four fingers.
Margaret, would you mind ranting someplace else? I've got a dramatic scene coming up in O.
R.
, and I want to get in the mood.
And I'd like to do some nursing.
Next time, see that they're folded properly.
Look at this! Look at this! Seven fingers! When my company commander strapped me onto the jeep he he said that I would be all right.
And he never lies to us.
You're pretty particular about the way - you're handed instruments in O.
R.
, though, aren't you? - Let's just drop it.
Okay? He never lies.
And we respect him for that.
I've watched you in the Mess Tent too.
You have a special fork.
- I have a what? - A special fork.
I've seen you pick through all the forks, looking for one with long, thin tines.
I've seen you keep 15 people waiting on line, looking for your special stupid fork! It so happens I can't pick up food with a blunt instrument.
Two fingers.
You know, I was in a lot of pain before.
I couldn't even turn my head.
But look at me.
I'm walkin' around.
I'm talkin'.
I think there's been a mistake.
Almost done here.
- Rake retractor.
- Rake retractor.
Oh, I like that.
Long thin tines.
Where's all that blood coming from? - You better run the bowel again.
I might have missed something.
- Right.
Colonel, as soon as you're free, we need you over here.
On my way.
Hicks.
Hicks, what what happened to you? Last time I saw you, you were making jokes about your C-rations.
You were You were sitting on that log and laughing like a hyena.
Okay.
I'm free.
Now, what can I do to help you folks? - Help me clamp off these bleeders.
- A mortar shell, wasn't it? There.
Another perforation.
They're hard to find, but they're there.
I must have run the bowel too fast.
I was worried about the chest.
- Don't worry.
I got it.
- Go get 'em, Doc.
Listen to me, Hicks.
You got four people workin' on you.
You know what they're doing? They're looking for those C-rations you ate.
Now, how many times did I tell you not to eat that stuff? One wallet, brown.
One wallet, brown.
- Any money in it? - Yeah.
Wait a sec.
My mother gave me that wallet before I went away.
It's genuine calfskin.
It used to be stamped in gold there, but with all the heat and sweat and everything the letters just wore off.
It smelled great the day I got it.
- I love the smell of leather.
- 23.
60.
One picture.
Look at that sweet fresh face.
One picture.
That's Sarah Lee Pinter.
I can still taste her kiss from when we said good-bye.
Did you have sweethearts when you were in school, Father? Yes, I did, actually.
In fact, when I was 12, I was a champion at spin the bottle.
- Oh! - No matter where Patricia Dugan sat I could always put just the right English on that bottle to make it point right to her.
She has six children now.
I wonder if I put ideas into her head when she was 12.
I remember school so well.
It's only 200 years ago.
- One ring.
- One ring.
Boy, that brings back a lot of memories.
That's my high school ring.
I never take it off.
What's it doing in that box? Weston.
What do you say I buy you a beer, Father? Yes.
I think so.
Thank you.
My God.
I think I'm dead.
- I'm not here! I'm someplace else! - Easy.
- I'm not here! I can't find my fingers! - Shh! - My hands are coming off! I can't find my fingers! - All right.
We've gotta get his temperature down.
Excuse me.
There are people in here recovering from surgery.
How do we know he won't infect them? Relax.
Here's his ticket of admission.
- What is that? - Kidney stone.
Passed it about an hour ago.
His blood culture shows gram-negative rods.
He's not contagious.
- And I want him here with the nurses.
- Quite a stone.
Practically Mount Rushmore.
It's got the faces of three Lebanese presidents on it.
- Here we go.
All right, Klinger.
We're home.
- Hmm? - Here we go.
Up.
- Oh.
Hi, Captain.
- Hi.
- I'm glad to see you.
- I'm glad to be seen by you.
How you doin'? - Oh, great.
Wonderful.
- What are you doing in Miami? - Wonderful.
Some weather down here, huh? I'm glad I brought my trunks.
Start him on streptomycin.
One gram every 12 hours.
Push the fluids, and keep him off the beach.
How you feeling, son? - Hurts like hell, sir.
- Well, that's understandable considering the number of people who waltzed through your insides.
Sir, is Weston okay? Weston.
I'd have to check our records.
I didn't work on him.
Colonel.
Was he the boy you worked on, Father? I'm sorry, son.
He didn't make it.
I thought he would.
I was sure he would.
I'm sorry.
Maybe I shouldn't have told you but I think it's only worse later if you don't hear the truth.
Oh, God.
Do you know how young he was? How can that happen? I know it's hard, son, but don't let it get you down.
You need all your strength right now.
You know how many bad guys there are in the world? Guys whojust wanna get drunk and fight.
I seen a guy steal a watch off a dead man.
And Weston's the one to go.
"Why then do the wicked live? Why are they advanced and strengthened with riches?" Pardon me, Father? That was Job's question to God.
How can the wicked flourish when the good are allowed to die? - And do you know what the answer was? - No.
God spoke to Job out of a whirlwind, and he said "Where wast thou when I laid the foundations of the Earth? Did you create the whales or the wild goats?" The answer is in the vastness and grandeur of the universe, not in bitterness.
It's too easy to despair, Frank.
I'm sorry, Father.
I know I shouldn't feel this way.
I just don't think there's any point to it all if they can take a guy like Weston.
Look.
I'm gone.
Okay? Just let me go.
Don't waste your strength.
- I can't believe he's dead.
- Hicks.
It's over.
Use your sense of humor.
Talk about what a jerk I was sometimes.
Laugh at me.
I can't believe it.
Wh-What the hell's the matter with this guy? I mean, he's tearing himself apart.
Well, look.
What do you expect? How would you feel if you lost your best friend? - Klinger, hush.
- One second, Colonel.
Look, Weston.
Be reasonable.
I don't know how you feel being dead but it scares the daylights out of the rest of us.
Klinger, I'm gonna talk to you like a father.
Shut your trap.
Colonel Potter, hi.
Listen.
I'm very thirsty.
Could I have a glass of water? Yeah.
Sure.
I'll get you one.
One last thought, Frank, and then I'll let you rest.
Would Weston have given up if you had died? Okay.
I know I'm dead.
I didn't think I was at first, but now I I know I am.
And I'll tell you something.
It's not that bad.
But I'm worried about my folks.
And I'd really appreciate it if you'd just let 'em know that it's all right.
You hear what I'm sayin'? It's not that bad.
Look.
If you could just, you know, send 'em a little note.
Aw, geez.
Klinger has been on antibiotics for eight hours.
Not only has his temperature not gone down, it's gone up a degree? It takes time to break.
He'll be all right.
All right? The man's burning to a crisp.
Okay.
Just to be sure, we'll start him on sulfadiazine.
Instead of looking for another medication, you ought to be looking for another cause.
I think we should bring his body temperature down, no matter what.
Excuse me.
Moment.
My point is that your diagnosis may be correct - but then again, so may mine.
- Oh.
Doctors, if I may, I don't think it's important what caused this.
I think that what Just a moment.
Let's give the antibiotics time to work.
- In the meantime, we could bring his body temperature down - Time to work? The man is frying like a piece of bacon.
By the time the medication works they're gonna be serving him in the Mess Tent as a club sandwich.
- I'm trying to say - Why don't you boys run a few more tests? - Cold packs is what I'm trying to talk about.
- Wait.
What's the discussion? I thought he passed a kidney stone.
- He did.
His temperature went up.
- I think we ought to run another culture.
- That's what I think.
- That's because you both have stones in your brains.
Oh, that makes sense.
Excuse me.
One minute.
Stupid insensitive jackasses! I'm trying to do something practical and all they can do is stand around and argue with each other as if I don't exist.
- They didn't hear a word I said.
- I know how you feel.
What am I doing here if I can't help? What am I putting up with the rats for? The lice? The dysentery? I used to wonder what I'd miss the most when I was dead.
Runnin' down a basketball court.
Makin' out with girls.
Or even smelling the honeysuckle that grows over our mailbox.
I never guessed it would be just having somebody understand what it is you're saying.
There's only one guy in this place who hears me, and nobody listens to him.
I'm not putting up with this.
Maybe there are just some things you can't do anything about.
Maybe that's what being dead is.
I'm gonna keep on talking until somebody listens.
And if I have to I'll kick a few cans in there.
Go get 'em, slugger.
Yours very sincerely - Franklin Hicks.
- It's not too lighthearted, is it? - I think it's fine.
You want to hear it back? - Yeah.
Okay.
"Dear Mr.
And Mrs.
Weston "I'm Franklin Hicks that Jimmy has written you about.
"I feel I know you from Jimmy's description of you "so that's why I'm writing you this letter, although I wish I didn't have to.
"Yesterday Jimmy and I were both wounded very badly.
"The medics got there right away "and they did everything they could for Jimmy "but I'm sorry, Mr.
And Mrs.
Weston - they just couldn't save him.
" - Maybe I could have said that part better.
I've written a lot of these letters, son.
There's no good way to say it.
"But I want you to know it was very sudden, and he felt no pain.
"It's very difficult to write you about this "but I had to because of how much Jimmy loved you "and how much I loved Jimmy.
"He used to read the comic page to me and make up funny voices for all the characters.
"After a while it would have us both in stitches.
"And then when we'd be on patrol, and he'd see I was getting scared "he'd start talking in one of those voices "and it would really lift our spirits.
"I think that's one of the greatest gifts anyone could have.
"I know how terrible this must be for you "but I want you to know that you have my deepest sympathies.
Yours very sincerely, Franklin Hicks.
" I hope I'm doing the right thing sending them this.
I think it's one hell of a good letter, and it's very decent of you to do this.
I'll get this out first thing in the morning.
You have a good night's sleep, Hicks.
Thank you, sir.
Father thanks for what you said.
Well, it was mostly from the Bible.
I have a good writer.
What's his temperature? - 101.
It's coming down.
- Oh, thank God.
I was getting worried about him.
- Well, those ice packs were just the trick.
- Thank you, Colonel.
You know, our problem was we were so busy arguing about what caused it we never got around to the obvious solution.
- Yes.
I saw that.
- Well, why didn't you say something? Why did I Did Are you Did you - All right.
What else do we love? - Do you love dirt? - Dirt is my life.
- All right.
To dirt.
And to the army that lets us eat it, drink it, breathe it and salute it.
- Now what? - Rats are nice.
Some of my best friends.
And not just to their cute little bucktooth grins and pointy little ears.
But to their charming little fleas without whom we would not live in the shadow of the plague.
Ah! The plague.
I will drink to that.
Are you gentlemen aware of what historically caused the great plagues of Europe? - Are you historically aware of that? - Not historically.
No.
- War.
- Oh.
Really? See, one city would attack another - and they'd burn their buildings - Mm-hmm.
And the rats would scurry - Cute little guys.
- Spr Spreading their plague-bearing fleas throughout the population.
To war the fountain of all loveliness.
What do you think? - I don't know.
Try me out.
- Clamp.
Nah.
I can still feel it.
No.
Yeah.
Me too.
I'm having trouble seeing you.
You all look funny, like you're made up of little dots.
Something's happening to me and I don't understand it.
To shrapnel and the skittish little dance it does inside their bodies.
To the blood that drips into our boots.
And stains our socks with gay magenta polka dots.
I can hardly hear you now.
You're all fading.
- To butchery.
- Mayhem.
Bestiality of every shape and kind.
I feel like I've I have to go someplace but I don't know where it is.
Gentlemen I'm going to my bunk to lie down.
But first - To Charles.
- To Charles.
I can't believe it.
We had chicken again.
- I'm getting to hate chicken.
- I broke a fingernail again today.
Just makes me crazy when I do that.
No, no.
It's not a police action.
It's a struggle between the free world and Ah, forget it.
The Giants are nowhere.
They got no hitters, no pitchers.
Nothing.
I don't love her anymore.
It's all over between us.
Hey.
Over here.
Hey.
Come on.
It's this way.
- Where do we go? - Down there.
Come on.
- What did you think it would be like? - I didn't know.
- Where are we goin'? - I don't know.
- Hiya, Major.
- Klinger! - Oh, great! How are you feeling? - I'm hungry.
- That's a good sign.
- Hey, kiddo.
We kept your room just the way you left it.
- Pierce, who's on call tonight? - B.
J.
's on tonight.
Uh-uh.
Oh, no, no.
I was on call last night and the night before.
- Hey.
Look who's back.
How you doin', Klinger? - Hi, Captain.
Listen.
What happened to Weston? - Who? - Wait.
I have to know.
- Who's on call tonight? - I told you.
B.
J.
- I told you I've been on two nights in a row.
- Look Captain, what happened to him? Did he get what he wanted? Is he all right? - Who? - What are you talking about? Weston! Are his folks okay? Where is he? Is he gone? Klinger, please.
We've got more important things to worry about.
- I have to know.
- I'm telling you.
B.
J.
Is on.
- No, no.
- Were you really on call two nights in a row?