The Goldbergs s10e10 Episode Script

1
Adult Adam: Back in the '80s,
my mom always loved
- celebrating Hanukkah.
- Merry Hanukkah.
It was an over-the-top spectacle
- that would rival any Christmas.
- [Laughs]
Yeah, baby!
And now that there was
a new Goldberg in the house,
my mom was ready for it
to be the best Hanukkah ever.
- Until
- What in the holly jolly hell?
Can someone explain to me
the meaning of this?
Aww! Aww. It's Mrs. Claus.
- Squeeze her cookie-baking hand.
- ["Deck the Halls" plays]
What a delight.
- Is that a xylophone or a marimba?
- What it is is sacrilege.
- We are a Hanukkah family!
- Calm down, Golda Meir.
The baby just likes her because
she's soft. It's no biggie.
By placing Santa's gal pal
in the crib of my grandschmoo,
you are disrespecting
the holiday of our people.
Please. You don't even know
what Hanukkah's about.
- Of course I do!
- Yeah, I'm not talking about the menorah
or the inflatable dreidel on the lawn
that Barry always ends up
getting in a fight with.
I mean the real story of Hanukkah.
Let me just gather
my thoughts for a minute
because I have
so many specific, clear ones.
You know what would be fun? Blind folds.
Boys, tell Erica the true
meaning of Hanukkah.
- No problem.
- Easy peasy.
It begins in ancient times.
Moses led our people
to the championships.
And I'm not talking about Moses Malone.
- This guy couldn't even dunk.
- No.
It all started because there
were some bad dudes
being jerks to our distant
and let's be honest,
gross and sweaty ancestors.
- A beard in the desert? No, thank you.
- Such a bad start.
I don't want to get bogged down
in the details.
I think it's safe to say you didn't.
Don't forget, our good guys received
a huge treasure of chocolate money,
and they were like, "Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah. This tastes good."
- Wow. Just wow.
By the way, Erica,
the money is called gelt.
Okay, great work, everyone.
Proud moment for our people.
We're officially keeping Lady Santa.
- Um, I'm the only homemaker of the holiday season.
- ["Deck the Halls" plays]
Aww, it wouldn't be Hanukkah
without a physical altercation.
'Tis the season
for mother-daughter wrestling.
I also bought a dreidel. Anyone?
- Stop it!
- [Laughs] Yeah!
I'm twisted up inside ♪
But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say ♪
I don't know the future ♪
But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪
It was December 7, 1980-something,
and it was closing time at the diner.
Man, I only made 17 bucks
in tips tonight.
Happy holidays from Reagan's America.
- 'Sup with you and Carmen?
- Oh, I I don't know.
We haven't talked that much
since that night I slept at her place.
You slept over and didn't
talk to her after?
Bro. I have never respected you
before this moment.
I I just passed out on her couch.
Oh, no!
Maybe she's upset because
I didn't fold the blanket after.
- What a rude house guest!
- Dude.
You literally ruin every story,
even the interesting ones.
But she keeps peeking over and smiling.
[♪]
- [Chuckles]
- Good. Very casual.
Why would she be interested in me?
'Cause you're nothing like the
bad boys she's used to dating.
You're actually a little sweetie pie.
It's disgusting,
but she likes what she likes.
Now go ask her out. Come on.
Hey, Carmen. What's good
- in the hood?
- [Chuckles]
Now, I feel like we haven't
talked in a while.
Well, I guess things have been busy,
what with the holidays
and the excitement
about the closing of the calendar year.
[♪]
- Whoa.
- [Chuckles]
- Uh, what was that for?
- Mistletoe.
Oh! Thank you,
magical Christmas vegetation!
[Laughs] You are too cute.
So, um, you think, uh, maybe
and you're free to say no,
I won't be upset.
I mean, I will,
but that's not your problem
- Are you asking me out?
- Yyyyy nnnnnnn Yes?
[Laughs] It took you long enough.
Well, first eggnog's on me
because people have been
crazy generous with their tips.
I don't mean to objectify you,
but I think you're being rewarded
- because you're so pretty.
- You think I'm pretty?
Oh, wow, I was accidentally smooth.
- I mean Yeah, girl.
- [Laughs]
- You fine.
- Shh.
Mistletoe.
[♪]
While things were looking up
with Carmen,
my mom was giving Lou and Linda
the lowdown
on her big threat to Hanukkah.
Thank you for convening
for our first ever
Council of Grandparents meeting.
That sounds like nonsense,
but you made coffee cake, so I'm here.
I found this monstrosity
in Muriel's crib!
Is that Mrs. Garrett
from "The Facts of Life"?
- No.
- Are you sure?
- She's got that apron.
- Can we go one day without
- you talking about Mrs. Garrett?
- Here's a fact of life No.
It's Mrs. Claus.
Of the North Pole Clauses?
Our children bought this
for our granddaughter,
and despite my protestations,
she is keeping it.
- Oh, no, she's not!
- Why not?
- This toy is a gateway to Christmas.
- Thank you.
First the baby loves this old lady,
next thing you know,
she's making gingerbread houses
and talking lovingly about Connecticut.
And then we've lost her forever.
Because of a toy?
They have better music.
They get to put trees in their houses.
- Oh!
- Spiral cut ham!
My God, that baby is doomed.
Maybe Muriel could have
a little bit of Christmas.
My cousin's gynecologist's daughter
celebrated Christmas once
and got all caught up in the spirit.
Well, she fell off a ladder
hanging ornaments,
broke her pelvis,
and now she water-skis
from a special chair.
So she's still kinda doing it?
Our people don't water-ski, Linda!
I don't care how many pelvises you have.
We have to put a stop to this, but how?
- Maybe the toy goes missing.
- Mm-hmm.
Babies lose things all the time.
No, they don't. She lives in a crib.
Listen to me very carefully, Linda.
Mrs. Kringle here
is gonna sleep with the fishes.
Is that supposed to be menacing?
Because it looks like you ate a bad egg.
Lou scares no one,
but the sentiment is right.
Yay! We're gonna whack a child's toy!
[Laughs] Ho, ho, ho.
While the grandparents
were planning a hit,
Dave Kim and I were hitting the town.
Carmen just walked up to me in the diner
and had to have me.
That's remarkable.
Even as I hear it a third time.
Sorry. How's your romantic life at NYU?
My roommate seems to be
getting tons of action.
Sometimes I wake up to
his guest's enthusiastic noises,
- so I'm kinda part of it.
- Oh, balls.
Balls, indeed.
It was my ex-girlfriend, and
she was headed right for me.
- Hey, guys.
- Brea!
I didn't know you were
back from Brown yet.
Sorry. I I was gonna call you.
Joanne picked me up
from the train station
and we just came straight here.
I wasn't aware you two were
"get each other from
the train station" type homies.
Well, when you date a Goldberg,
you're homies for life.
You know, 'cause they crazy.
- [Both laugh]
- [Laughs] Good stuff.
[♪]
Sure, it was awkward running into my ex,
but we seemed to be in a good place.
Brea! Or so I thought.
Hey, bro. I'm Kirk, Brea's boyfriend.
My world was upside down,
and I needed answers.
She has a boyfriend?! And you knew?!
You and Brea aren't together anymore.
Broken up, split, nada, no moresies.
I knew this would happen.
I just thought it would be
in a distant future
where there are flying cars
and love is just a pill you take.
But it's now. Today.
Barry, did you know about Kirk?
I'm meeting him tonight. Tonight?
Everyone is moving so fast.
Relax, it's just dinner
at a fast-casual restaurant.
My brother is double-dating
with my girlfriend?
Ex-girlfriend!
Dissolved, terminated,
undone, splintered,
poof, the Grand Canyon.
But Brea and I still talk all the time.
Why hasn't she mentioned him?
Maybe because she knew
you would act all nuts,
like you're doing now.
You know what? Don't worry, bro.
I'm Team Adam.
I'm gonna destroy this kid tonight.
- Thank you!
- Come again?
I'm sorry, Joanne, but it is
my fraternal duty to humiliate
and debase his ex-paramour's
current steady.
Whatever. I'm getting two wines.
Thanks, Bar.
You're finally a good person.
While I was anxious for Barry
to bring down Kirk,
the grandparents were trying
to keep Hanukkah alive.
Oh, hey, Mom and Dad.
Didn't know you were here.
Do we need a reason for hanging out?
We're just enjoying some of Beverly's
- periodicals.
- Fun stuff. I'm going to change the baby.
Is it weird that I love
her little tushie so much?
- No, it is not weird. [Chuckles]
- [Muriel coos]
[Distorted "Deck the Halls" plays]
- Do you hear something?
- Yeah. What is that?
[♪]
What the hell? Mrs. Claus!
Okay. Which one of you
made Santa single?
Damn it, Linda!
You were supposed to rip
the music box out of her belly
- so she'd stay quiet!
- Why am I on dismemberment duty?
- Okay, this is very, very dark.
- It doesn't matter.
What matters is that this family
is not in the market
for any new traditions.
Last time I checked,
you weren't in charge
- of how we raise our baby.
- No, you are not.
And maybe we don't even know how
we want to raise our child yet.
- No, we do not.
- What are you saying?
What I'm saying is,
you may not be in the market
for new traditions, but we are.
May the best holiday win.
[♪]
Oh! I hate how cute she looks
in that Santa suit!
My mom thought that
Erica's love for Christmas
would be a phase, but instead,
she doubled down
- [Dramatic music plays]
- Bah humbug!
even reading Muriel
a Dr. Seuss Christmas classic.
"And the Grinch grabbed the tree
and he started to shove,
when he heard a small sound
like the coo of a dove."
[Muriel babbles]
Oh, no! That Grinch
is stealing Christmas.
What kind of monster
would deny anyone Christmas?
And it didn't stop at the Grinch.
Tidings of comfort and joy,
comfort and joy ♪
O, tidings of comfort and joy ♪
Erica, I just love
your Christmas spirit.
Oh, yep. I'm here
for all the right reasons.
- What an odd and worrying thing to say.
- [Tires squeal]
- [Horn honks]
- Oh, hi, Mom! Check us out!
Grandma Ginzy is embracing us
with songs and merriment.
No, no, no! No, no, no, no.
- I'm not part of this!
- [Engine revving]
The only baby in my life is Jesus!
Please don't hurt me! [Bleep]
Erica had officially gone too far.
So my mom decided to fight fire
with religious fire.
- Hello, wayward sheep.
- What's going on here?
And who's our yarmulked guest?
This is Rabbi Adler.
I thought I'd invite him over
for the first night of Hanukkah.
- Fifth.
- Get on with it.
Tell us about all the delicious
food we can't eat, padre.
Well, I'd start with the shrimp parmesan
- your mother served me.
- Beverly: God forgives!
But you should know,
Erica was singing noels
with the people
that buy all the poinsettias.
Okay, I'm so confused.
What's going on here, Dad?
We all made a very generous donation
to the temple on Muriel's behalf.
They're finally gonna get
to reseal that parking lot.
So while we were having a date night,
you were indoctrinating our child?
Well, I gotta hand it to you.
It was a nice move,
but I'm afraid you're a little too late.
What does that mean?
It meant that Erica
had already gotten help
turning Muriel's room
into a Christmas wonderland.
- [Humming]
- Virginia Gregory Kremp!
Okay, Erica asked me to do this,
and it's the season for giving,
so I had to.
- I'm so scared.
- We've made our choice.
- Our child is a Christmas baby now.
- [Gasps]
I should skedaddle.
Thank you for the new driveway.
Happy Hanu Holidays.
Yep, Erica had created Christmas cheer
in the Goldberg house.
Meanwhile, Barry was determined
to destroy Kirk.
- Ooh. I'm sorry, friend.
- Oh!
I almost made you trip so badly,
- no woman could love or respect you.
- No worries.
But that was gonna be harder
than he thought.
Fun idea Should we get
all 27 cheesecakes?
That's not a fun idea.
[♪]
- That's a perfect one, Kirk.
- Hello, dummies.
You can't get all the cheesecakes.
That's like $200.
Despite Barry's best efforts
to make life hell for Kirk,
- it wasn't happening
- [Laughter]
because Kirk was kinda great.
I can't tell you how much I admire
- that you're studying to be a doctor.
- Oh. Y You could try.
- [Both laugh]
- Cheers.
And specifically,
he was Barry's kind of great.
You are so much more jacked than me.
Eh, you're squeezing too hard, but yeah.
And finally
Ninjas are by far the warriors
that I respect the most.
After dinner, we'll put on black pajamas
and pretend to kill a shogun.
- Yeah!
- Yes!
Yep, Barry's feelings
for Brea's new beau
were not what I expected.
I love Kirk.
Whatever. He's just a rebound.
He's not even Brea's type.
Adam, look at me. He's everybody's type.
Sorry, bud, but maybe you should
give him a chance.
He's coming with Brea
to the JTP's holiday party.
You mean the thing
I'm definitely not going to now?
Then you'll be missing out
on a lot of funny Kirk stories.
One time, he jumped so high,
he almost touched a branch.
He tells it better.
[Scoffs] You guys have fun.
I'll be home, imagining the worst.
Adam, you don't have to go
to the party alone.
Why don't you invite that girl
from the diner?
Carmen. Of course.
She's as pretty as Kirk is.
And once Brea sees her,
we'll both be miserable!
[Laughs] It's a perfect plan.
As I was excited to ruin
Brea's relationship with Kirk,
Erica was disappointed
to find Christmas erased
- from the baby's nursery.
- Mom!
You just couldn't help yourself,
could you?
- Excuse me?
- Sure, I got a little carried away,
- but this is too far!
- Well, that certainly does sound like me,
but I don't know
what you're talking about.
You ripped down
all of the baby's decorations.
You're the Grinch who stole Christmas.
- Erica, I didn't so it. I swear.
- Stop. It was me, okay?
I'm the Grinch. Everyone happy?
With that, Geoff had spilled his secret.
Meanwhile, it was time for
my plan to take down Kirk
a secret gift for Brea
that would remind her
of everything we had.
Hey, everyone.
I'd like you to meet Carmen.
- Barry: Welcome.
- Hey.
Is this one of those
"Can't Buy Me Love" situations
where you're paying her
to be your girlfriend
with the earnings from your
successful mowing business?
- [Laughs] No, it's not.
- Didn't hurt to ask.
In fact, it did.
Alright, everybody's here.
Ruffles are on our one plate.
- Yankee Swap time!
- Whoo!
So everyone takes a number, and
put your presents on the table.
Yankee Swap?
It's just a way for Barry
and his cheap buddies
to get out of buying everyone a gift.
- Got it.
- Barry: Alright.
Now, if your present is awesome,
you can keep it.
But if your present is trash,
you can steal someone else's.
Lastly, if your present is
stolen, you can pick a new one.
- Who's got number one?
- Ooh! I do!
Let's go!
Ah! "The Shining" by Stephen King.
Well, the movie was hilarious,
so let's see what chuckles
the book brings.
- Words on paper? Lame. Who's next?
- I'm the deuce.
- [Paper ripping]
- Oh! A Discman?
- No way. Oh!
- I bought that, Kirk.
I'm the one who made you this happy.
- Barry, that's too expensive.
- I'm number three.
Which means, of course,
I will be taking that.
- Nooooo!
- It's cool.
Bar, I'll just get something else.
- It's okay.
- Okay.
And Kirk did get something else
my secret present for Brea.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
- That's not meant for
- Whoa.
It's a necklace.
Brea, help me get
this tasteful bad boy on.
Not a lot of guys
can pull off a necklace,
- but leave it to Kirk.
- It looks like a locket.
Nope. Definitely not a locket.
Oh, Brea, it's you and
- Adam.
- What?
- Yeah, same. What?
- So weird!
Who brought this incredibly
intimate gift?
- It's clearly you.
- Scandalous.
- I have a Discman.
- Holidays. Am I right?
So I'll be stealing that back
from you, Kirk,
- when it's my turn.
- Kirk can't catch a break.
Hey, if you think about it,
he's the one who stole
- Brea from me in the first place.
- Stole me?
- Digging himself deeper.
- I'm outraged.
- It has a stabilizer for jogging.
- Let me explain.
See, Kirk sucks?
[Murmuring] Oh, my
- Brea, wait!
- [Door opens]
Adam, I was wrong about you.
You are like
all the other guys I dated
- a jerk.
- Carmen, wait!
How dare you speak to Kirk like that?
- Kirk, get our coats.
- Barry, wait!
[♪]
With Geoff having admitted
to out-Grinching Beverly,
Erica was full of questions.
Why the hell did you steal Christmas?
How the hell did you steal Christmas?
Well, it wasn't easy.
I went in her room and saw
those candy canes hung in a row.
"These candy canes," I said,
"are the first things to go."
Okay, so you're gonna do the
whole Dr. Seuss rhyming thing?
I'm just trying to stay on theme.
Alright, well, keep going
until I figure out
how to punch you
without leaving a bruise.
- I slithered and slunk.
- Slunk?
But with a smile most pleasant,
I went around the room
and I took every present.
Sure, but how did you manage
to get the tree
out of there without anyone noticing?
That was a toughie 'cause
I ran into a little setback.
Geoff, why are you taking out
the Christmas tree?
Geoff: But you know me.
I'm smart and I'm slick.
So I thought up a lie
and I thought it up quick.
- 'Cause I got an even better one.
- Oh, okay. Great!
- Seasons greetings.
- Yeah.
What a fun little distraction
from the real question.
Why did you do it?
Erica, I know Christmas is wonderful.
Everyone knows Christmas is wonderful.
But it's not who we are.
- But it can be.
- Why?
Because you want to throw it
in our parents' faces,
or because it's actually
meaningful to you?
What if the throwing it in their
faces is what's meaningful?
[Scoffs]
Look, I know I haven't always
been the most observant,
but our traditions matter to me,
- and I thought they mattered to you, too.
- They do.
Well, I want Muriel to be raised
like we were.
- Because she's part of us.
- The best part of us.
[♪]
Okay, so our baby won't be
a Christmas kid.
But can we at least
use some of the presents
- for her first Hanukkah?
- Oh, you mean these?
[♪]
Worst Grinch ever.
Adult Adam: Geoff had managed
to save the holidays.
Meanwhile, I was trying
to save face with Brea.
- Hey. So, that was strange.
- I wonder who made it strange.
Look, I was blindsided
seeing you with a guy.
- You never mentioned him.
- [Sighs] I'm sorry.
But it's hard to say out loud
that we're moving on.
- Obviously, for both of us.
- It might just be one of us.
Carmen looked a tiny bit upset.
- You'll figure it out.
- I hope so.
She's great.
And, for what it's worth,
Kirk seems great, too.
I should apologize to him.
I think there's someone else
you should talk to first.
- You're right.
- I always am.
- Now go.
- Just know, I'm happy for you.
Seriously.
[♪]
- Happy Holidays, Adam Goldberg.
- Happy Holidays, Brea Bee.
[♪]
It was weird, but I actually felt okay.
[Door closes] I realized I had just been
holding on to the past
by trying to hold on to Brea
when there was something pretty
amazing right in front of me.
- Yeah?
- Carmen, I don't deserve it,
but can I please try
to make up for tonight?
It's fine.
Clearly, you have
unfinished stuff with your ex.
No, I don't. Not anymore.
And I swear to you, I am a good guy.
The thing is, good guys
don't have to say that.
- They just are.
- Fair enough.
Thank you for your time.
So you're just gonna give up?
I'm not worth fighting for?
Okay. Well, here it goes.
Carmen, I've had
an incredibly difficult year
with a million different setbacks,
but seeing you every day at the diner
is the one thing I look forward to,
and I really don't want to lose that.
[♪]
- Then don't.
- Oh, whoa.
- You seem receptive.
- Little bit.
Guess what we're standing under?
- So the good guy gets the girl?
- We'll see.
Don't stop thinking about tomorrow ♪
Don't stop, it'll soon be here ♪
And that's the thing about the holidays.
Whether it's old traditions
that remind us who we are
Don't stop thinking ♪
or new experiences
that fill us with hope
Don't stop, it'll soon be here ♪
being there for one another
always makes
for a season full of joy
that no Grinch could ever steal.
Ooh ♪
What the hell am I looking at?
Are you bedazzling?!
- It's for the baby. Check it!
- "I love you a latke."
Oh! My perfect angel is so clever!
- And on the back
- "Oy to the world!"
So many puns. I am dying
from holiday happiness.
Yeah. I did learn from the best.
You cherish and honor me.
But your sewing is crap. Give it to me.
I'll redo it and make five more.
[♪]