M*A*S*H (MASH) s10e11 Episode Script

- Klinger! - It's ringing.
It's ringing.
I can't make them answer.
Hey, look! A letter from my Aunt Megla.
What a lady.
Sixty years old, and she can still spit into a thimble from 30 paces.
How long can it take to put through one phone call? - I think the record is three weeks.
- Stupid idiotic morons! Major, just a hunch, but are you a little edgy about something? No! Mind your own business.
And make somebody answer that phone! Whatever you say, Your Calmness.
Hello, "I" Corps? It worked.
What took you so long? Well, did you ever think of putting an extension in the latrine? - Just a minute.
I'll check.
Who do you want? - I want the phone.
- She'll be with you in a moment.
- Hello.
This is Major Margaret Houlihan.
I'd like to speak One moment, please.
Corporal, I'm sure you have something you can be doing right now.
- Not really.
- Then do it somewhere else! And don't forget you're taking me to Kimpo Airport tomorrow at 1600 hours.
How could I forget? I'm living for it.
Hello.
I'd like to speak to General Heiser, please.
Yes, yes.
I'll hold.
Hello, Doug.
It's Margaret.
I'm fine.
I just got your letter.
I'm so glad you can make it to Tokyo this weekend.
I've got it all planned.
No.
I know a wonderful restaurant that you're just gonna love.
And then afterwards we're gonna go see the Kabuki.
And it's just gonna be such an extra special birthday for me.
And, oh, we're gonna have a wonderful time.
Yeah.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Bye.
Say, Beej.
Did you order a cow? This farmer just wandered in looking for a doctor.
I just happen to have one on me.
I am Lee Seung-Chul.
Hi.
I'm Dr.
Pierce.
What's the problem? No.
It is not for me.
It's Oh.
- Look at that.
- Holy cow.
What happened? Bombs very close to my home.
Our family able to get cover.
But animal not so lucky.
She is only one left.
- Those wounds are pretty deep.
- That's only part of the problem.
- She's pregnant.
- She give birth soon.
I am worried for her safety and for calf.
I'm afraid their family needs both of them very badly.
We'll do what we can, but I I mean, we have to figure out how to start first.
You know how to make a cow say "Ah"? Not without getting emotionally involved.
I'm afraid cows are a little out of our field.
We specialize in patients with two legs and one stomach.
She doesn't seem to be in immediate danger, but we're gonna have to get help for this.
- Why don't we talk to Colonel Potter? - Yeah.
- Old farmhand like him should know what to do.
- Stay in the waiting room.
Boys, I know just what to do.
Klinger, get on the horn to "I" Corps - and see if you can track down that veterinarian.
- Wait a minute.
That's it? I thought stuff like this was supposed to be second nature to farm folk.
The only thing that was second nature to this farmer was the vet's phone number.
I don't know nothin' about birthin' no bovines.
- Colonel, you wanted to see me? - Yes indeedy, Major.
The surgeon general's office has just given us permission to begin using Levophed.
So you'll have to brief your nurses on administering it.
- Fine.
I'll do it first thing Monday morning.
- Uh, sorry, Major.
The drug and the instructions are due here tomorrow afternoon and your staff has gotta be primed immediately.
But, sir, I'm going on R & R.
You gave me a three-day pass.
Remember? - You've still got it.
You'll just have to postpone a couple days.
- But that's not fair! Margaret, what's the difference? In Korea, every day is a holiday.
Congratulations, Doctors.
I've just put through the call.
- Dr.
Landau will hear you now.
- Good.
I'll talk to him.
- Colonel - Excuse me, Margaret.
This is bigger than all of us.
If I could get somebody to give the lecture for me, could I still go tomorrow? Fine by me.
But regs say it's gotta be done by someone who's at least a major.
- Good afternoon, Charles.
- Major.
- Am I disturbing you? - Not yet.
- I was wondering if I could, uh, talk to you about - Now you are.
I'm sorry.
I see I've come at a bad time but if I don't, uh, come now and I come later, it'll be too late because later it'll be tomorrow.
Margaret, since you seem to have your heart set on disturbing me would you at least do it with dispatch? - Certainly.
Oh, what lovely music that is.
So bright and cheerful.
- Mozart, isn't it? - Mussorgsky.
Well, you're only a hundred years off, and both their names do begin with an "M.
" Margaret, should there, by any chance be a point to this conversation, would you please get to it? It's It's nothing.
Really.
Nothing.
It's just that tomorrow I'm supposed to deliver a lecture to my staff on the administering of Levophed, and I was wondering whether you could do it for me.
Margaret, correct me if I'm wrong but what you're asking me to do sounds dangerously close to nurse's duty.
Yes.
But, you see, I was supposed to go to Tokyo tomorrow.
Margaret, even Winchester women do not do women's work.
Well that's certainly understandable.
But it has to be done by at least a major.
And just think of what it would mean to my staff to have it delivered by a man of your caliber.
Margaret, you are perceptive, if not sincere.
Let's examine this from a Winchester point of view.
What's in it for me? - What do you want? Name it.
- Well let's see.
Lately I have had a craving to hear the Beethoven Emperor Piano Concerto.
That's it? Y-You'll do it? I get that, you'll do it? Well, of course, it must be the incomparable Artur Schnabel as soloist.
- Of course.
Schnabel.
- Ah And not the 1947 performance.
It's It's It's just tentative.
On the other hand, the 1932 performance with its limpid runs Oh, come on, Charles.
Where the hell am I gonna get that? Now, Margaret, there should be no problem for a person with your understanding of classical music.
You're absolutely right.
If I can't find that record I'll find that Schnabel guy, and I'll bring him here to play it for you personally.
Excuse me.
Can a person go back for more? Gee.
I don't know.
Nobody's ever tried.
- Okay.
We finally got through to the animal doctor.
- What did he say? Well, we're still doing nothing, but now we know it's the right thing to do.
He says, if possible, we should not remove the fragments till after the calf is born.
- We'd have to use anesthesia, and that could kill the calf.
- Oh, dear.
Uh, do you know when calf will be born? According to the vet, anytime in the next day or two.
Next day or two? Gentlemen, I've just had a stroke of genius.
- Please, keep us in suspense.
- A calf lottery.
I'll sell a hundred chances at a buck apiece.
Whoever guesses the time of birth will win 50 bucks which means I'll also win 50, no matter when it's born.
Klinger, it may not be genius, but I definitely think you've had a stroke.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Opportunity knocks, and I am the doorman.
Oh! Okay, Scavelli.
You're down for 11.
28 tomorrow.
Great time to have a calf.
Careful.
! You're dripping on the sign-up sheet.
What about you, Davidson? Saturday afternoon's wide open.
I realize you don't have a buck on you, but I'll carry you till tomorrow.
- Klinger, you jerk.
! - What's going on? - There's a woman in here.
- See, guys? She can't even wait to place her bet.
You Arabian aardvark! You're supposed to be driving me to the airport right now! No, I'm not.
That's not until 1600.
Oops.
Oops, your face! You've got five seconds to get my jeep and get me out of here! - Four, three - But I was in the middle of a hot business transaction.
I'm not gonna miss my airplane over some crazy cow contest! Now move it! You don't understand.
I haven't even cleared the break-even point.
If I don't sell any more tickets, I could lose several shirts.
- Can't you find anybody else? - I don't want anybody else.
Nobody knows these roads as well as you do, and anyway, you promised me three days ago.
- Okay.
Just let me sell a few more tickets.
- No! And if I miss my airplane I am gonna take a very heavy object and make your face look like a pizza.
- One more ticket.
- All right.
Okay.
Okay, okay.
- Okay.
Here.
Here.
Get my jeep.
- Uh-huh.
What time? - Now! - No! I mean for the lottery! - Make up a time! Now scram! - Scramming, sir.
Uh, back.
Behind.
No.
Uh Uh Rumpelstiltskin! No.
Uh, uh Tush.
Tush.
Tuchus.
! "Spar-tuchus.
" Gentlemen, must we have these mindless children's games while I am attempting to prepare a lecture? Oh, sure.
You got something to occupy yourself with.
Uh, rear.
End.
Dead End Kids! Ah.
We got nothing to do but sit and wait.
We're on cattle call.
- We could be fathers any minute.
- So go wait in the maternity barn.
All right.
We'll knock it off, but I gotta get this charade, or I'll go crazy.
Let me give you a little hint.
Try A Tale of Two Cities.
- That is the stupidest guess I have - Mmm! Mmm! - That's it? That's A - Tail! - Oh, please.
- Charles, you're pretty good.
Want to take Hawkeye's place? Hunnicutt, even your inane child's game would be a preferable alternative to preparing a lecture on Levophed.
Taking this drug makes one's blood pressure rise and reading about it makes one's lids fall.
Charles, I would think you would leap at the opportunity.
Where else could you talk for over a minute without people leaving the room? Usually when you run off at the mouth, people run off.
Sorry to break up this powwow, boys, but Bossie says it's time to call the cab.
- Oh.
- You get her up on the table.
I'll hold her hand.
Anybody know where I can get a cigar that says "It's a heifer"? You coming, Winchester? I'll bet a city fella like you hasn't had a chance to see this before.
I've also never had the opportunity to swim in a barrelful of live squid but thank you for making a boring lecture seem like the best job in town.
Klinger, will you hurry up with that.
I packed less than this when I moved here.
Hey, hey.
Wh-What's all the commotion? Nothing serious.
We're just having a cow.
A cow? Now? I'll be financially ruined.
If you don't step on it, buster, you're gonna be physically ruined.
How long till the blessed catastrophe? Who knows? Maybe an hour.
Maybe all day.
Then that means I still got a chance to get back in time to sell more tickets.
Let's go, Major.
I haven't got all day.
- Can't you go any faster? - Unfortunately, no.
What's that cow got against me anyway? Okay, so I like a good T- bone now and then.
Hold it! Hold it! - Where does that road go? - To Kimpo.
- Is it faster? - The same way as a barrel is to the bottom of Niagara Falls.
If it's faster, then take it.
Look, Major.
No one wants to get to Kimpo any quicker than I do but I'm telling you, that road is full of rocks and potholes - If it's faster, then take it.
- Major, I'm telling you This is a U.
S.
Army jeep.
It can take anything.
Now turn right.
And that's an order.
Okay, Major.
Banzai! Can you believe this? They can make a bazooka that'll part your hair from two miles away but they still haven't found out a way to monitor a cow's blood pressure.
Her pulse is thready.
Must be slowing the blood supply to her uterus.
Probably internal bleeding from the shrapnel.
There's nothing else we can do now.
I better get that vet on the phone.
Don't look at me that way.
We're doing the best we can.
Klinger, stay on the road! This is the road! I told you it was rocky.
These aren't rocks! They're boulders! Watch it! Why are you stopping? I, uh, wanted to keep going, but I thought I'd stay with the jeep.
Do something.
! Fix it.
! Why didn't I think of that? Ladies, you will please take your places.
We will begin.
Let's get this over with as quickly as possible.
As you will have observed, I am not Major Houlihan.
So much the better for you.
Now then.
Levophed bitartrate is a powerful new vasoconstrictor.
It is to be u Lieutenant Nakahara.
What is it? Dr.
Winchester, could you please slow down so we can take notes? Very well.
It is to be administered only in cases of severe trauma until the blood volume has been restored.
Nurse Kellye redux.
What now? Uh, to go any slower would be to stop.
Oh, that's not it, Dr.
Winchester.
I just thought it might help us to know a little about the history of Levophed.
Indeed.
Yesterday this was at "I" Corps.
Today it is here.
But let's not dwell on the past.
Okay.
I got it.
Um, hold on.
Let me see if I can relay this information.
Hawk.
Hawkeye, if you can hear me, Dr.
Landau says first thing to do is stick your hand inside and see if you can feel the calf's head.
Uh, you're gonna feel a little discomfort but you won't be the only one.
Go in all the way up to your shoulder if you have to.
Just be sure not to break the membrane.
Well? What's wrong with it? Now I know how big that last rock we hit was.
It's the same size as the hole in the oil pan.
I don't care.
I've gotta get to the airport.
Sorry, Major.
This jeep is D.
O.
A.
"Dead on its axles.
" What are you doing? Hey! Where you going? Back to the main road.
Maybe I can catch a ride and still make it.
Major, it'll be dark very soon a condition which makes it easy to get lost then found by a sniper.
Then you might step on a mine, which will get you to Kimpo in the form of confetti.
Major, there'll be other nights in Tokyo.
It's not worth risking your life over.
You don't understand.
This is not what I planned to be doing tonight.
Well, uh, this may come as a shock but I'm not exactly having the time of my life either.
Who cares how much fun you're having? - It's not your birthday.
- Your birthday? How come you didn't tell anybody? - Because I didn't want anybody to know.
- Why not? Because I didn't want them throwing me some stupid party.
Oh, yeah.
That would be rough.
- All that fun and celebrating.
Who needs it? - Celebrating.
For whose benefit? Just another excuse to get drunk and rowdy for a few hours.
If it weren't my birthday, Groundhog Day would do just as well.
I wanted this year to be different.
Something special just for me.
To be with somebody I chose somebody I wanted to be with do the things I wanted to do.
Is that too much to ask for one stinking day in the year? Look at me.
Sitting by the side of the road in the middle of nowhere with not even a birthday hat.
There's a newspaper in the jeep.
I'll make you a birthday hat.
I hate birthday hats.
Come on, cow.
Push.
I'm afraid she doesn't have the strength to help you out.
Her pulse is getting weaker by the minute.
Please, there must be something you can do.
Believe me.
If we knew of anything, we'd try it.
Colonel, Hawk.
Dr.
Landau says the only way to save the cow might be to dismember the calf so she can deliver it easier.
Well, maybe, but there's no guarantee that the cow would be able to make it anyway.
This isn't just a house pet.
It's his livelihood.
You've gotta do something.
If her blood pressure weren't so damn low, we could do a cesarean section.
If her blood pressure weren't so low, she could deliver the calf on her own.
Too bad she isn't human.
That batch of Levophed that came in today would be just the ticket.
- What have we got to lose? - I say we turn that cow into a guinea pig.
"Any doubt whatsoever, always check with the case physician.
" Well, that concludes our little lecture on the administration of Levophed.
Hope you've enjoyed it more than I have.
And in closing, let me just say good-bye.
- Winchester.
- Hello.
Good-bye.
Uh, not so fast, Professor.
Class might be over, but the lab work's just about to begin.
- What does that mean? - Your students are gonna get a firsthand demonstration - of the administration of Levophed.
- On whom? The only pregnant lady in camp.
Colonel I do not make stable calls, and I do not treat patients who graze.
Move it, Major, or I'm gonna graze your jaw with the old Missouri soupbone.
Class adjourned.
To the compound.
Major.
Happy birthday.
Better hurry and make a wish before the match goes out.
Oops.
Too late.
I know it's not much, but it's better than nothing.
Maybe.
I don't want your sympathy, Klinger.
That's worse than nothing.
Well, uh I'll just leave it here in case you change your mind.
Somewhere a multitude of Winchesters are doing somersaults in their graves.
At least you're losing your dignity in a worthy cause, Major.
This could be a whole new career for you: Pet obstetrician.
Only doctor in Boston with a salt lick in his office.
Uh, hold it, boys.
That Levophed's got her pulse bouncing back like Mildred's sponge cake.
Which means junior should be making a grand entrance any minute now.
- Oh! Make that any second.
- Oh, look.
! There it comes.
! - There it comes.
- Hey.
The foot's comin' out.
- Does that mean it's a breech? - No.
That's the front foot.
The head's next.
It went back in.
What'd she do? Change her mind? - The foot went back in.
What does that mean? - It be right back out.
- There it is.
There it comes.
There it is.
- A nose! A nose! Hello, nose.
Oh, look at this.
She's sucking my fingers already.
It's not even halfway out, and it's already sucking.
Isn't that incredible? - That's a good vital sign.
- Come on.
There it is! There it is! There it is! All the way out.
Well, hello, little lady.
Welcome to the world.
Isn't she beautiful? Looks just like her mama.
This is indeed a blessed event.
All we gotta do is dress some old war wounds, and we're in business.
I want to thank you all very, very much.
- Don't mention it.
- I certainly won't.
Class dismissed.
Whoa.
We have our own little stampede here.
I got a half a bran muffin, goin' cheap.
- I got half a flask of cheap scotch, going fast.
- Hmm.
Want to swap? L That was a very nice gesture.
The cake, I mean.
- I'm sorry for what I said.
- Ah, no problem.
I guess I just didn't want anybody feeling sorry for me.
- That was a pleasure I wanted to reserve all to myself.
- Look.
I know how you feel.
One time, I remember, I was trying to get to Akron for the statewide bowling tourney.
Well, all the buses were canceled on account of snow.
So me and my cousin Adeeb Okay.
So I don't know how you feel.
There are so many things I was so sure I'd have in my life by now.
And every Christmas, every birthday All those milestones just remind me of what's still not there.
And today turned out to be just another day in the middle of nowhere.
You know, Klinger, I envy you.
Are you kidding? For what? For one thing, the way your face lights up when you talk about Toledo.
Yeah.
It's a great place.
Klinger, I've been there.
What's so great about it is that it's your hometown.
Army brats like me don't have hometowns.
I mean, I never went to the same school two years in a row.
Wow! I was once in the same grade for two years in a row.
Yeah.
That That must have been rough for you.
I remember how we always used to razz new kids.
I never thought about it from their side.
I guess we were kind of jerks.
After a while, I'd I'd try to make friends and as soon as I did, sure enough We'd have to move out again.
And it always hurt.
Finally, I decided not to let anyone get close enough to hurt me again.
I guess I'm still doing that.
Hey.
Nobody's perfect.
I know everybody thinks I'm tough, demanding, insensitive cold, callous, crabby Feel free to disagree at any time.
Think of it this way.
Maybe you are all that stuff, but deep down underneath I think maybe there's some more stuff that's pretty good stuff.
You know? That's probably the nicest thing anyone has ever tried to say to me.
- Thanks.
- Sure.
Happy birthday.
- Hi.
- Hi, everybody.
- Oh, hi.
- Ah! Look what the war dragged in.
- Margaret, what are you doing back so early? - We never made it to the plane.
Jeep broke down.
We had to hitch a ride back.
- Well, you sure missed out on the excitement.
- Oh, no.
Don't tell me.
Yep.
We had ourselves a bright, bouncing baby calf.
- Ahhh.
- I'm a dead man.
How many people know? Well, there's the cow and the rest of the camp.
What was the time of arrival? Just so I'll know who to avoid.
- Must have been around 10:00.
- Around 10:00? Gee, I'd love to pay off, but there's no way I can without an exact official time of birth.
Maybe I can postdate a check till 1960.
And the winner is Major Margaret Houlihan.
Major, I can't give you 50 bucks.
I only collected 10.
Okay.
I'm a softy.
You can forget the $50.
Aw, thank you.
A million thank-yous.
My thank-yous thank you.
On second thought, I'll take the 10.
- Huh? - There's somebody I want to buy a present for.