The Goldbergs s10e11 Episode Script

1
Back in the '80s,
I was a creative force.
- I directed mini-blockbusters
- I'll fix it in post.
starred in school plays,
and wrote masterpieces
late into the night.
But that changed when I got a job.
I was a singing waiter at a '50s diner,
which meant my only
creative outlet was this.
On the islands,
there's no ifs, ands, or buts ♪
We're gonna get coconuts ♪
Yeah, it was the same song and dance,
but I gave it my all
every day.
We're gonna get coconuts ♪
Every single day.
Coconuts ♪
Like every one of them.
conuts ♪
Even my mom saw the light
dying in my eyes,
so she did what always worked
inspired me with a grand purchase.
Surprise!
I bought you Apple's
first portable computer.
Portable? That looks huge.
Oh, it's only 16
barely-back-breaking pounds.
You can take it anywhere
as long as you stretch first.
And isn't that incredibly expensive?
Big time, but with this, you'll
open doors to your imagination.
PC World called it,
"Powerful and cumbersome."
- I think I'm all set.
- Nonsense.
You need to get back to
your real passion writing.
Let me just turn this on for you.
Ah, listen to all that metal working.
Yeah, I'm just not really feeling
the juices flowing today, so
Then let Mama be your muse.
Drink me in and then write about
the white-hot love I bring out in you.
You certainly elicit a response.
Then put me in a script.
You could pen the sequel
to "Throw Momma from the Train."
Only this time, keep her on the train.
What a fun idea.
You start hacking away at that,
while I run upstairs
and put the finishing touches
on giving up.
Schmoo, come back!
This thing can go anywhere. Oh.
It was January 11, 1980-something,
and Erica was meeting
with her new mom group.
So, after I switched nipple creams,
he finally latched onto me, no problem.
Oh, if parenthood has
taught me anything,
it's that there is
a cream for everything.
Yep, creams.
There's so much excitement
in those little tubes.
Oh, Barb, by the way,
how are your hemorrhoids?
Yeah, I'm not really comfortable
right now.
Oh, how rude of me.
I didn't even offer you a pillow
to sit on to ease the pain.
I, too, have bottom issues,
so, you know.
O kay, any other
topic of conversation?
I've got one.
Anyone else sensing the dynamic
of our mom group is a bit off?
I know exactly what you mean, Cynthia.
I'm not sure you do.
Diane was supposed to be on snack duty,
and here I am with nary
a Fig Newton to chew on.
Oh, look at the time.
Yeah, I think I've gotta go, too.
But we just got started.
Should we talk about next week?
Maybe a wine bar? I pour a heavy Grigio.
Erica, it's time to have
that conversation.
Okay, well, bye, Barb. Bye, Trish.
What's this conversation
everyone's saying we're due for?
Bye, Erica.
Look, sweetie
Is it about Trish's
postpartum night sweats?
'Cause maybe don't overshare
so much, girlfriend.
Gosh, I'm so glad we have this group
to make us feel not so alone.
Yeah. Can you take the baby
for her nap, please?
Diaper and nap duty in one day?
Sign me up!
Ha-ha! Your husband ruined
your dumb lady group.
Did you make yourself a campfire treat?
The microwave makes
the marshmallows crazy sticky,
much like the situation
you find yourself in.
I know. It's a mom group,
and he's not a mom.
Figure it out, my guy.
Blech! 12 s'mores is one too many.
But I just don't have
the heart to tell him
that no one wants him here.
Maybe you can?
Well, I'd happily break
his heart into a million pieces,
but you asked me, so now I don't wanna.
Come on. Just take him
to hang with the JTP.
Well, it is Andy Cogan's birthday.
Yes, do that.
She went right down.
Barbara's intermittent rocking
technique totally helped.
I can't wait to tell everyone
at our parent group.
Mom group.
As Erica wanted to get rid of Geoff,
my mom was about to take in
some real drama at school.
I bring news.
Ms. Cinoman is taking a leave of absence
to produce her one-woman show,
"Loneliness: A Love Story With Myself."
I read an early draft.
One of the characters was wine.
She's a giant mess.
But the immediate issue
is the Winter Gourd Fest.
These Quakers will
really celebrate anything.
We have no one to direct
our musical program.
I have the perfect solution.
Uh, my son is in a creative rut,
but it's been well-documented
that he's a genius
in all things entertainment.
Not so fast.
My production of "Oklahoma!"
inspired the school's newspaper
cleverly worded review
"OK is Okay."
Well, the choice is clear.
It's Adam,
and nobody else wants the job.
I can do it. I spent four years studying
at the Royal Academy
of Dramatic Art in London.
Adam accepts.
And I absolutely adore gourds.
Plus, I minored in theater,
which is a major accomplishment.
You are all way more qualified
than I imagined.
Yeah, but it's gonna be
my Schmoo, or so help me,
I will burn this school to ashes
with all of you in it.
- I withdraw.
- Not worth it.
I have no doubt she would do it.
Ah! Yay! My boy earned his place,
and all of you support him.
And just like that,
I was back at William Penn.
Only problem was it was under
very false pretenses.
And here we are.
I don't understand.
Why would Alyssa Milano
want to meet me here?
I lied. But congratulations!
You're the new director
of Winter Gourd Fest.
You may thank and kiss me now.
Mom, I appreciate the thought,
but I've always hated Winter Gourd Fest.
It's by far my least favorite
of the four annual gourd shows.
But here you can immerse
yourself in the dramatic arts
without having to take orders
for cheese fries.
I don't know.
I have Tuesday and Thursday
afternoons off, I guess.
He said yes. He said yes!
Don't make it seem
like a marriage proposal.
How many kids signed up to audition?
Too many to count on one finger.
Let's see what we're working with.
Turns out, a pretty mixed bag.
I'm just a gourd ♪
A lonely, lonely gourd ♪
A butternut squash
who longs to be adored ♪
Thank you.
I'm doing it.
The doctors were wrong about me.
Thank you.
I take my scythe and I cut the wheat ♪
And I bring it home,
and the wheat, I eat ♪
And it tastes so sweet ♪
And I think that's neat ♪
That wheat would taste
so sweet to eat ♪
Thank you.
While I had my work cut out for me,
Barry was working on getting
Geoff back in the JTP.
JTP reunited with Geoff.
JTP reunited with Geoff!
Hey, what's with the video tape?
Oh, Muriel rolled over,
and I got it on film.
Should we ask the bartender
to play it on that TV?
I will! She said, "No."
We are gathered here to support
the birth of Andy Cogan
by watching his favorite sport,
ladies wrestling.
Is this "GLOW," the "Gorgeous
Ladies of Wrestling" from TV?
No, this is PLOW
The Pennsylvania Ladies of Wrestling.
'Cause we're all gonna get
plowed tonight.
Barkeep, a round of your
least-finest tequila.
Drinky-drink!
Uh, ma'am, pull back
one of those tequilas
and set me up with a tall milk.
Milk? But how will you make
bad decisions
and say things you regret?
- What if Erica calls with a baby emergency?
- Like what?
Like she says her first word,
but it's a full sentence,
and it's complicated and disturbing,
like, "Why does God
allow pain to exist?"
Maybe the answer is in this shot glass.
Put 'em back, boys and dairy lovers.
Hey, want to buy us a drink?
Uh, hell yeah.
Uh, ladies, this is Andy.
- It's his birthday.
- Yeah, it is.
And he likes strange women
walking up to him.
Yeah, I do.
And he's currently very single.
- Yeah, I am.
- Not me, though.
I got a wife and kid at home.
You want to see a photo
of my little one?
Be warned, you will "aww" from cuteness.
Eh, it's probably for the best.
Those ladies seemed a tad eager.
Yeah, we hate that.
- So much.
- It's my birthday, dude.
And now, ladies and mostly gentlemen,
prepare to get PLOW-ed!
Yes! It's starting!
First up, Gemstone
vs. Sandra Day O'Slaughter!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Okay, Gemstone is my favorite.
I once saw her crush
a watermelon with her thighs.
Best picnic ever!
It's exciting because women
usually work it out by talking.
- Go, Sandra!
- Go, Gemstone!
Go, both of you! Everybody wins!
Yeah, I think I'm just gonna take off.
Guys?
Alright, see ya.
As Geoff was out for the count,
I was finishing up my own number.
We're gonna get coconuts ♪
I heard several full conversations
throughout my performance,
so thanks for that.
Yeah, we gotta talk.
You've been recast.
Here's your new scene partner.
You mean a dance number with a mop,
like Fred Astaire with a hat rack?
No, you're the new janitor.
- Now moppy-mop.
- Wait, what?
Dude, some people just aren't
meant to be entertainers.
Like, specifically you.
But that's my whole thing.
I'm a triple threat.
I act, I write, I direct.
You're still a triple threat.
Mop, rinse, bucket.
Watch out, dirt.
There's my prince of gourds.
Here's the thing I ain't doing that.
Directing a musical tribute
to pumpkins and squash
- is an opportunity of a lifetime.
- Is it?
Is it?
I'm actually asking the question
because I don't know
what anything means anymore.
Fine. Who says
that the Winter Gourd Fest
has to be about gourds?
I think everybody.
Nonsense.
Cold-weather vegetables
are merely a suggestion.
Really? So I can do anything?
Since you seem slightly sad,
I will say yes for now
and then deal with the certain fallout.
Oh, Mama, you did it again! Yes!
And whatever you come up with
will surely celebrate
the most perfect person in your life.
I'll humor you with a maybe.
To my new burly computer.
With that, I got to work on an idea
that had been rattling around
in my head forever.
I stayed up all night and wrote
what future generations
will hail as a masterpiece.
I present to you
"Blade Runner: The Musical"!
Any questions?
There were more than a few.
Adam F. Goldberg is back, baby!
Geoff's night out with the JTP
hadn't exactly gone as planned.
Hey, hon.
How was being with your best buds?
Much better than sitting around
with a bunch of moms, am I right?
It was terrible.
We're completely different people now.
Like, different in a way
you still want to hang out
on Saturday evenings at 5:00 p. m.?
They're so immature.
They wanted to watch ladies wrestle,
possibly in mud.
Sweetie, I don't mind
if you watch ladies wrestling
every Saturday night.
- You can even wrestle with them.
- Anyway, how was the parent group?
It was better than usual.
Lots of estrogen,
everyone felt comfortable.
Ah, we're so lucky to have them.
With that, it was time for Erica
to tell her husband the truth.
Or go find Barry and make him do it.
What the hell, dude?
You were supposed to yank Geoff
back into the JTP.
Dadhood has ruined him.
He used to just be an anxious buzzkill.
Now he's a full-blown party pooper.
Maybe you guys are the poopers.
And stop worrying about Geoff
and grow up.
I am fully grown.
Mom's friend said so.
Look, Geoff's a dad now.
And maybe someday God will have
a sense of humor
and make you one, as well.
So why not learn about
where he's coming from
before you kick him to the curb?
You're right.
He's more than a dork
married to a shrew.
He's also a lame dad.
I've got some thinking to do.
While Barry considered growing up,
my production
of "Blade Runner: The Musical"
was coming to life.
I'm inviting you all to take
a journey with me,
and I appreciate your complete trust.
I'm only here because my mom
can't pick me up until 4:00.
Yes, the stage summons us all
for different reasons.
Should we be doing an R-rated movie
that we're not legally allowed to see?
Anyone with a good question?
Yeah, it says here
I'm supposed to be
crushing this dude's skull.
- Why?
- Simple.
Your creator can't stop
the ticking clock
of your robot life expiring
because the code embedded
in your DNA is irreversible.
- Got it?
- Okay, and why?
Let's take it from the top.
Deckard, am I a replicant?
Some say you're a repli-can't.
But I say you're a repli-can!
She's a robot, I'm enchanted ♪
My memories have been implanted ♪
And I have a short lifespan ♪
So enjoy life if you can ♪
Yes, you repli-can ♪
Yes, you repli-can ♪
Don't say you repli-can't ♪
You repli-can ♪
Stop! Tara, that was too human.
Yeah, I felt that, too.
Also, what's a replicant?
Take five, guys.
There's my Andrew Lloyd Treasure.
Flowers typically are given
after we open.
Oh, I don't need an occasion
to throw roses to my maestro.
Next stop, Broadway.
Next, next stop, the Tony Awards.
And then I corner Streisand
and force her
to be best friends,
and then we swap clothes,
and she gets all jealous
because I wore them better.
Probably none of that,
but thanks for believing in me, Mama.
Aww, it's what a good mama does.
Pulls her baby back
from the dinner-theater abyss
and lets him shine again
in front of a room full of children.
Ignoring the specifics,
I really think this might be
the greatest thing I've ever made.
Well, you're the greatest thing
I've ever made,
right here, in my Adam factory.
While I was feeling on top of the world,
Barry was trying to get to the bottom
of what was going on with Geoff.
My sister has challenged us
to become more like Geoff.
Kind and inquisitive?
Obsessively law-abiding?
Afraid to be on a balcony?
I'm talking about knowing
what it's like to have a baby.
No, not your birds-and-bees
speech again.
It's uncomfortable,
and it's mostly wrong.
How are we supposed
to instantly understand
what it's like to be a father?
With the help of the cinematic romp
"Three Men and a Baby."
It was the classic '80s comedy
starring three clueless bachelors
figuring out how to take care of a baby,
and the JTP studied hard,
learning the art of diapering,
powdering, and singing babies to sleep.
Then it was time to try it themselves.
This is boring.
How are we supposed to practice
being dads if she's asleep?
I mean, we could wake her up.
Erica gave us very specific
babysitting details.
Which I left downstairs.
Now, let's wake this baby.
And so the JTP applied everything
they remembered from the movie,
which was, unfortunately, not much.
They forgot how to put on a diaper,
then they got into
a powder fight a long one.
But eventually,
they did remember one thing.
Goodnight, sweetheart ♪
Well, it's time to go ♪
Ba-dum, ba-dum ♪
I hate to leave you,
but I really must say ♪
Goodnight, sweetheart, goodnight ♪
Crazy as it was, it worked.
And they couldn't wait to tell Geoff.
JTP? What are you doing here?
Surprise!
We "Three Men and a Baby" -ed
your daughter!
But with four men.
At one point, it was five men
'cause the pizza delivery guy
used your bathroom.
Erica, I thought you said
you got a babysitter?
I did. The JTP.
So they could see
what you're going through.
And we definitely did!
We woke up Muriel
just to see what parents
have to deal with.
You woke her up?!
To feed her, bro.
For future reference, she is not
a fan of black forest cake.
What are you talking about?
It's a rich chocolate sponge cake
with cream and cherry filling.
I know what a black forest cake is!
But that's not meant
for a newborn, you dopes!
Whoa! We were just learning to be dads,
like Steve Guttenberg,
Ted Danson, and Magnum, P.I.
And now we totally get
everything you were boring us with.
We're the same as you, Geoff.
No, you're not!
I'm worried about Muriel every second
for good reason, apparently
while you guys don't have
a care in the world!
Wait. You think we don't
worry about stuff?
After four years, I'm still
folding red jeans at the Gap.
I was there when
the mannequins had heads.
I've seen it all.
I just turned 22 and I haven't
had a relationship besides
the will-they-won't-they tension
I have with my grandma's
in-home healthcare worker.
And being naked is not as easy
as it used to be.
I have a court date.
I'm not totally sure I'm allowed
to be with your baby.
I feel like that's something you
should've mentioned earlier.
Well, none of you
are babysitting ever again.
And, to be honest, I don't really
want to hang out with you, either.
While things were cooling off
with Geoff and the JTP,
the drama with
"Blade Runner: The Musical"
was just heating up.
We have a major problem.
Adam's musical is causing an uproar.
Everybody's talking about it,
especially since I took out
that full-page ad
in the Jenkintown Gazette.
I read that, and I seriously doubt
that Rex Reed said, "Look out!
Broadway has another Schmoo!"
Plus, he's already burned through
the entire theater budget for the year.
I'm canceling the senior trip
to Maryland.
Oh, hell no!
Mama needs her crab cakes.
And the parents are in a real tizzy.
One's asking, "Why does our daughter
have to run through
a plate glass window?"
That's just breakaway glass.
We practiced with Barry at home,
and he was mostly fine.
The Winter Gourd Fest is back on
and Adam's getting replaced.
Yes! It's Glascott-o-clock!
Andrea, you're up.
On deck and ready to go.
- Welp, I'm off to fire him.
- No!
Damn it! I'll do it.
It'll soften the blow
coming from his mama.
There's my indestructible Schmoo
who accepts life's triumphs and defeats
with the same amount of grace.
Which scarf says
brilliant director more,
cream or off-cream?
The choice is too hard. You should quit.
What? I just need to pick.
Oh, no. The pressure they put on
you to make these decisions
No. No.
- You should quit.
- Never!
This is gonna be my magnum opus.
That the world isn't ready for.
Better to quit now
and just save it for later.
What's all this quitting talk?
Oh, boy. Um, how do I say this?
Um, Adam, you You're f
Adam, you're fired.
Principal Ball is
shutting down the show.
I've failed as a mother.
I enabled you with too much praise,
and you took it too far.
- I'm sorry.
- Okay.
First I was demoted to janitor.
Now I'm being fired from
something I actually care about.
Maybe I'm really not supposed
to do this anymore.
They say, "The show must go on."
And it did. Just without me.
Horror of horrors! What are you doing?
Accepting my fate.
I'm just a mop jockey now.
God. Well, thanks to
the middle-class bubble
I raised you in,
you know nothing of mopping.
With the water and the soap
and that rinse-y thing,
I'm sure I'll figure it out
after a few weeks.
Major school emergency.
The children refuse to musically
honor the mighty gourd.
John, what are you saying?
I'm saying that Adam inspired
them with his adult robot tale,
- and they won't perform anything else.
- Really?
You need to get down there
and put on a show.
- Uh I don't know.
- I do.
Adam, you're re-hired.
And so, thanks to my mom,
I made it just in time
to see a packed theater
and a stage full of actors
singing the songs
I worked so hard on.
I'm a blade runner ♪
I'm a blade runner ♪
I'm running on a blade ♪
And they actually sounded pretty great.
Maybe the spark I was missing
was there all along.
I'm a Nexus-6 named Pris ♪
I can do tricks just like this ♪
Blade runner ♪
Bl-Bl-Bl-Bl-Blaaaaade runner ♪
Thanks, Mama.
For everything.
You just needed a little
reminder of how great you are.
Yep, watching those kids
bring my musical to life
made me realize I would never
give up on my dreams again.
Meanwhile, Geoff was coming to
a realization of his own.
Alright, we have a few minutes,
if anyone else has anything
that they want to share?
Geoff, you've been
weirdly here and quiet.
Yeah, I
I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
I know I'm not a mom
and I shouldn't be here.
It's been really nice to
just be around other parents
who are struggling
with the newness of it.
You're really lucky to have each other.
Honey, wait.
You're right. You definitely
shouldn't be here.
Oh, good. You made that super clear.
You shouldn't be here because
you have somewhere else
you need to be
with the JTP.
Your friends love you so much
that they tried to be dads for a night
just so they could be
a part of your world.
At great risk to our child, but still.
Maybe you need to make an effort
- to be a part of their world, too?
- I guess it's time
for this dad to leave his mom group.
Yeah, just because
your priorities change
- doesn't mean you have to.
- Hey, fellas.
- What's up?
- Look, I'm sorry.
I've been so wrapped up in being a dad,
I've lost track of
the other people in my life.
It's okay. We We understand.
I mean, five minutes with her,
and it was like, whoa,
babies might be difficult to deal with.
We're proud of you for being a dad.
More than anything, we just miss you.
I can fix that. Deal me in.
Because it's the people we're closest to
who let us know we're not going
through life all alone.
That's the thing about our dreams.
With the support
of the people who love us,
they can come true.
- Shh. It's okay.
- Go to sleep, baby.
I guess two men and a baby doesn't work.
Um, excuse me.
- Dr. Katman?
- Indeed.
I was driving by and heard
your baby crying,
so I thought I could help.
Follow me.
Well, doesn't always work.