Two and a Half Men s10e11 Episode Script

Previously on: I am determined to find someone who wants to be with me for who I am, not what I have.
I need to buy a little bit of everything.
I can help you out with that.
I appreciate it Kate.
Not a problem Sam Wilson.
It's refreshing, talking to someone like you for a change.
Someone like me? Yeah, someone who's not constantly trying to impress me with how much stuff he's got.
Kate, this is my friend Alan.
Thanks so much for picking us up.
Yeah, this clown rents a room from me, suddenly I'm running a taxi service.
You should move out.
Can't afford to.
Maybe you could crash here.
Have you really thought this through? I've got to see where this goes with Kate.
Promise me one thing.
What's that? That we're always honest with each other.
You got it.
Anyways, I hope that it's okay that I have people over on Christmas.
It's just Jake and Lyndsey and my mom.
Of course.
It's the holidays.
It's the time to be with the ones you love.
Right.
Uh, and my mom.
So, uh, so listen, Sam Wilson, how are things in Poorville? Are you Les Misérables? Actually, it's a hoot.
You know, last night Kate and I went shopping at the 99 Cent Store.
That place is amazing.
Did you know that everything there is 99 cents? Know it? I registered there for my wedding.
Two cans of peaches: 99 cents.
Four-pack of yogurt: 99 cents.
This owl-shaped mug? Guess how much the wine inside was? Uh, I'm going to go out on a limb and say 99 cents? Dented box.
From now on, I'm buying everything from that place.
Uh, not condoms.
I think that's how I ended up with Jake.
Hey.
Hey, baby.
Uh, I gotta go.
Oh, hey, Katie.
Alan.
How are you? I'm fine-- just, uh sipping some wine I got at the 999 Dollar Store.
Bye, Alan.
Douche.
Don't worry about him.
How was your day? It's Christmas, Sam.
Happy people wishing you "Peace on Earth.
" It was horrible.
Okay, somebody's got a case of the Grinches.
No, it's a case of nine-hour shifts listening to Celine Dion murder "O Holy Night.
" If I ever meet that skinny bitch, I'm going to beat the "O Holy" crap out of her.
And that's what Christmas is all about.
I'm sorry.
Tell me about your day.
After you left, I made some breakfast Oh, I got the mail.
And then I did some work on that app I've been developing, and then I did some serious research on World War II.
Really? Well, I fell asleep watching the History Channel.
Sweetie, can I be honest with you? Yeah.
What's up? I am working my ass off.
It would be really, really nice if you could, I don't know, pitch in a little.
You heard the part about me getting the mail, right? You do understand that what came in the mail is a pile of bills? Okay I mean, I think it is great that you're working on your computer stuff, but we need help now.
I get it.
Say no more.
I'll start looking for a job.
Thank you.
And don't worry, it's not like I expect you to make a million dollars or anything.
Oh, thank God! Go ahead.
I'm going to go run a bath.
I reek of comfort and joy.
Hey, Billy.
What's up? Nothing much-- just running our company while you take some personal time.
Why don't you just man up and admit you're in rehab? I am not in rehab.
I told you.
I'm on a spiritual journey.
Spiritual journey.
Yeah, you know what? I've been on four of those.
I still wake up craving meth.
I call it "Eat, Pray, Love, Have Angry Sex with an Asian Hooker.
" What do you want, Billy? Well, I'm just keeping you in the loop about what's going on around here.
We got new computers in the bullpen.
We got a staple-less stapler.
Mark Zuckerberg offered to buy a controlling interest in the company for 800 million, and the redhead in marketing is not wearing bras.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
There's a staple-less stapler? I think we should take his offer.
Billy, we built the Electric Suitcase from the ground up.
I mean, besides, we've been here before.
You hated the fact that I sold our last company and I've come to realize that you were right.
I hated Tarnell, the gangsta who sold me crack, but I was still happy to work with him.
I mean, look, this is a good offer.
We should take it.
Okay.
Tell him 1.
2 billion, but we keep control.
Where do you think we're going to get a better offer? Bath's ready.
Want to join me? I just got a better offer.
Good-bye.
Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men Ah Men.
Mele kalikimaka is the thing to say On a bright Hawaiian Christmas day That's the island greeting that we send to you From a land where palm trees sway Here we know Here we know that Christmas Will be green and bright! Geez! You scared me.
I nearly dropped the champagne.
Where did you get money to buy champagne? You left some for me.
For emergencies.
Yeah.
We were out of champagne.
So, what are you doing here? What am I doing here in my house? Uh, uh, I'm sorry.
Let me rephrase that.
Uh, uh, great to see you.
What brings you by? I'm doing laundry for Kate and me.
Really? You did laundry.
No, I did laundry.
Thank you.
So, you're, like, some sort of kept man, huh? Well, I'm supposed to be out job hunting, but it's kind of hard since Sam Wilson doesn't actually exist.
I can help you there.
Five grand will get you a clean Social Security card and a new set of fingerprints.
Six will get you the fingers.
The fingers? Better to have and not need than to need and not have.
Hey, uh, why don't you just go to an ATM, pull out a few thousand dollars and tell her you got a job? But that would be lying.
Oh, no, you wouldn't want to lie to her, Sam Wilson.
Let me explain something to you, Alan.
Walden Schmidt lies.
Sam Wilson tells the truth.
Besides, I like Sam Wilson's life.
It feels more like I don't know, real life.
Yeah, I get that.
I mean, that's why I like to sleep in your bed.
Feels more like a real bed.
Oh, and get this.
I got a call from Billy today.
We got an offer to buy our company for $800 million.
Excuse me a sec.
$800 million?! Yeah.
We turned it down.
You turned it down.
Check it out.
Oh, Sam! I hope you stole that.
Ah, it wasn't that expensive.
We barely made rent this month.
I know, but it's Christmas.
You don't have to tell me.
I'm earning extra money by making a Santa outfit for my boss' Labradoodle.
Aw, that's cute.
Yeah, then I'm going to make three wise men costumes for her cats.
And just like that, cute becomes creepy.
Okay, I'm going to go change.
I've got a lead on a job.
Really? Yeah.
If that doesn't work, I'm going to rob a bank.
I hope the 99 Cent Store sells ski masks.
Oh, man.
What? I forgot to give Santa a tail-hole.
Worst Christmas carol ever.
Hey, Dad.
Hey, buddy.
You excited about Christmas? Yeah, that's actually why I was calling.
I'm not going to be able to make it home this year.
What? Why? My girlfriend Tammy Sue asked me to spend Christmas with her and her three kids.
I'm pretending to be Santa and also their various fathers.
Oh, kill me.
H-H-How did you meet this woman? I play softball with her parole officer.
Oh, dig me up and kill me again.
All right, well, I hope I see you soon.
Don't worry-- we'll all come visit as soon as Tammy Sue gets her ankle bracelet off.
That will be a magical day.
Yeah.
Well, all right-- Merry Christmas, Dad.
Bye.
Merry Christmas, Jake.
Time now for the magic of bourbon.
Hi.
I was here earlier.
I bought a tree.
Uh, I was hoping I could talk to you about something else.
If somebody told you I'm selling pot here, that is just crazy talk.
Uh, no.
I saw the "help wanted" sign.
I was hoping to get a job.
Oh.
Have a seat.
You got any, uh, Christmas tree experience? I-I've decorated a bunch.
none.
It's Wait, it's selling Christmas trees.
Pop quiz, hot shot.
A mom walks in; she's driving a Lexus.
She's got a big living room, cathedral ceiling.
What are you pushing? Balsam? Noble? Doug fir? Uh You're out of time.
She's across the street buying a 20-footer from the Armenian.
Are you comfortable with celebrities? What do you mean? Mario Lopez buys his tree here every year.
I don't want you getting all jelly-legged.
All right, look.
I'm young, I'm strong, and I need the money.
I'll work really hard and I won't let you down.
I'll give you seven bucks an hour, plus tips.
Minimum wage is eight.
Look at my shoes.
What about them? Where are they? Under the table Oh! I'm in.
When can you start? Right now.
A man with no life.
I like it.
I'll go get you some gloves.
By the way, your cell phone's like your penis.
When you're at work, you keep it in your pants.
Hey, Billy, I'm kind of busy.
I'm not in rehab.
Relax, Zuckerberg is not going to walk.
Just sit tight and we'll get the number we want.
I got to go.
Bye.
All right, here you go.
Oh, and, uh, by the way.
If somebody comes looking for a Jamaican Christmas tree, you send them to me.
Yah, mon.
Men.
Men.
I got a job.
As what? Prancer, the reindeer stripper? Nope.
Selling Christmas trees.
You're kidding.
Yeah.
Already sold nine trees.
Nice.
Yeah, it's the first night, and I'm getting the stinkeye from the other salesman, Jose.
He only sold six, but the guy crushes it with wreathes.
Check it out.
Made enough on tips to get us Chinese food.
Aw, you really know how to take care of your lady, Rudolph.
Oh, no, no, no, I don't get the nose until I sell 50 trees.
Shall we open a fresh box of wine? No.
No, no, no, no! Oh, switching to soda.
My sewing machine-- it just died on me.
Okay, no problem.
Sewing machines can be fixed.
No, it's gonna cost more to fix it than I'll make on this job.
Okay, it's not a problem.
Look at the bright side, somewhere in the world, there's a Labradoodle and three cats that get to keep their dignity.
I wish that made me feel better.
I got something that will make you feel better.
Let's dance.
What? There's no music.
I'll sing.
Oh, holy night The stars were brightly shining I love you, Sam.
I hate that song, but I love you.
I love you.
Did we just Yep, I think we did.
I got something else that will make you feel better.
Yeah? Yeah.
Let's get naked and play some reindeer games.
Are you gonna leave those antlers on? Oh, yeah.
Men.
Okay, drive slow.
Stick to the side streets.
Well, you are a natural, kid.
You remind me of a young me.
Except you're a little taller and better-looking.
Probably straight.
Where-where we going with this? Apparently nowhere.
All right.
Christmas on three.
One, two, three, Christmas.
Christmas.
I did not see that coming.
Walden.
Oh, hey.
Or should I say "Sam"? Billy, how'd you find me? Oh, it's easy.
You told Alan you were working here.
You swore him to secrecy.
I gave him 100 bucks.
Bam, here I am.
You want to buy a tree? No, no.
I want to sell our company to Mark Zuckerberg.
He has upped his offer to $950 million.
Wow, that's a lot of money.
You know I could probably get you into this eight-foot cypress from Oregon for 50 bucks off the sticker price.
$950 million.
We can buy Oregon.
Look at how uptight you are.
I mean, you should get a job here with me selling trees.
It's stress-free.
Everybody leaves here happy-- some people really happy with a case of the munchies.
Walden, let me just call Zuckerberg and close the deal.
You can close the deal at 1.
2 for 49% of the company.
I'm not giving up control.
You're crazy, all right? You are bat-crap freaking crazy.
I've never been so sane in my entire life.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a red, blinking nose to live up to.
Well, there's my Mrs.
Claus.
Hey, Alan.
Good news: my mother bailed.
She's having something rejuvenated.
Don't ask what.
I did and haven't been able to eat or sleep since.
Jake is with his girlfriend and her 17 kids, so it's just you and me, kiddo.
I have some bad news.
I'm not gonna be here for Christmas.
What? I have to go to Cleveland.
My grandma fell down and broke her hip.
Big deal.
Old people do that all the time.
It's like a cold with them.
Can't your grandfather take care of her? He's dead.
Man, I can't catch a break.
We can celebrate when I get back.
Sure, nothing says Christmas like January 3rd.
I'm sorry, Alan.
I don't have a choice.
I know.
It's okay.
Well, I love you.
I love you, too.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Sometimes she can be so selfish.
All right.
I'm out of here.
I'm gonna hate myself for asking.
What's wrong? Well, all my Christmas plans have fallen apart.
I-I'm gonna be all alone.
Yeah, that's rough.
Happy holidays, Zip.
Hello, thank you for calling the suicide hotline.
All our counselors are busy, but your call is very important to us.
Please hold.
Sam? Sorry, babe.
I didn't mean to wake you up.
How was work? My body aches.
My hands are blistered.
I can hardly feel my feet.
It was awesome.
I wish I felt that way about my job.
Yeah, but your job's just a way to get by until you get your big break as a designer.
I've been getting by for three years now.
What if it never happens? I mean, for God's sakes, I don't even have a sewing machine that works.
You got a boyfriend that does.
Did you sell more wreaths than Jose? No.
That guy is a wreath-selling machine.
He sold one to a guy without a door.
Aw.
Is that mistletoe? It's supposed to be.
It's actually broccoli.
I thought it would be romantic.
It is.
You want to Oh, no, hell, no.
Thank God.
I have no gift to bring Pah-rum-pum-pum-pum.
I have no friends or life Pah-rum-pum-pum Rum-pum-pum-pum.
Look at you.
Drunk as your brother and none of the charm.
Berta? I got chicken and beer.
You came back for me.
Oh, all right, calm down.
You love me, don't you? I pity you.
Close enough.
You got good taste.
I took home a tree just like this last week.
I don't know, 90 bucks is a little bit more than I want to spend.
What do you think, sweetheart? You like Doug? His name is Doug? His name is Douglas, but his friends call him Doug.
You know what I like about him? He's tree-mendous.
Daddy, I want Doug.
Oh, you don't want to disappoint your daughter here on Christmas Eve.
Excuse me, Mr.
Tree Salesman.
What do you want? I'm trying to close a deal here.
So am I.
I have Mark freaking Zuckerberg on the phone.
Is he at 1.
2? He's at a billion.
All right now, Walden, think about that number.
You know how when you say someone's one in a million? You could have a thousand of them, but we have to give him an answer.
Okay, you tell him 1.
2 for 49% of the company, and I'll throw in a wreath.
Suck it, Jose.
What do you think? I'll give you 30 bucks.
you in front of this child.
for you myself.
It's Christmas Eve.
You're not gonna move this tree.
or I will shove that nose up your Blitzen.
It's Christmas Eve, and Santa needs a tree to put the presents under.
Sold, sold.
Yay! Oh, you did it, you magnificent bastard.
Really? Him, not me? Men.
Who is this for? "To Kate, from Santa.
" I have a horrible feeling this breaks our $20 rule.
Open it.
Okay.
Oh, my God, Sam.
A sewing machine? How can you afford this? Let's just say I had a very good day at the Christmas tree lot.
You like it? I love it.
I feel kind of stupid about the scarf now.
Are you kidding me? This You made this yourself.
This is the best gift I've ever gotten.
Maybe later you can sew me a little tail-hole.
Merry Christmas, Sam.
Oh, wait.
Look what else Santa brought: Broccletoe.