The Goldbergs s10e12 Episode Script

1
Back in the '80s,
the Oscars crowned the best
dramatic films of the time.
Nothing could beat a
heart-wrenching story,
masterful direction, or
a powerful performance.
My family, however, didn't think so.
Places in the Heart.
Who cares about a lady saving a farm?
Sally Field needs to stick to
being the Bandit's main squeeze.
The Bandit was clearly a criminal.
Smokey's the star, in my book.
And that's why he's the fun husband.
Splashshould've swept everything.
It taught the important lesson
that fish can talk and love!
What I want to know is,
where are all the
great mother-son movies?
And mother-daughter movies.
No need to include me in whatever
cuckoo bananas you're about to share.
A mom and her Schmoo rescue
an ark from the Nazis.
She and her squish go top-gunning.
A mama and her three poopies
hunt down a killer shark.
These movies write themselves.
Because no one else is going to.
Oh! They're announcing Best Picture!
And the winner is
Amadeus!
Oh, that's a shame.
Amadeus it's not even a real word.
Amadeus is Wolfgang
Mozart's middle name.
The movie's about his musical genius
and his rival Salieri's
murderous jealousy.
Before he composed anything,
his mother composed
him in her lady tuba.
- Lady tuba?
- Well, then there needs to be a prequel
that focuses only on her
- Mom-adeus.
- I will never see that.
We haven't been to the
movies since we had our baby,
so how do you know
what "Amadeus" is about?
Uh.
Hey, Schmoo, when are you
gonna be up there thanking me
and hilariously forgetting
to thank your wife?
Probably never because the
Academy doesn't appreciate
how hard a comedy is to write.
I toiled over my most recent script,
a spoof of A Passage to India
called A Passage to Lydia.
Lydia! That's a lady's name!
Have you seen the original movie?
Why would I watch something
I'm just gonna make fun of?
It's about racial prejudice
during the British colonial era.
Oh, is it?
According to the poster.
Exactly how many movies have
you seen without me, Geoff?
- You know, uh, close to none.
- Drama.
I'm on the edge of my floor!
- Shh! This is the best part.
- How many?
The normal amount.
Give me the number, husband.
She's so powerful in this.
The tension is too much.
It's like watching the sequel
to Who Ate My Cream Cheese?
All of them, okay? I've
seen all the movies!
Sometimes twice!
- Yes!
- Predictable, but satisfying.
They're flawed characters,
but you root for 'em!
It was January 18th, 1980-something,
and my newly single mom
wasn't good at picking up
on attention from the opposite sex.
Hey, Beverly, let me help you with that.
Especially when it came from her
charming co-worker, Mr. Perott.
Wow. Whatever's in there smells great.
Or is that you?
It's the seven lasagnas.
My fridge at home just
doesn't have the space.
- Oh.
- Helen, I love that blouse.
It's the same one I wore yesterday.
I woke up in the park.
But the less you know, the less
likely you'll be called in to testify.
Speaking of nice outfits,
that's a great sweater, Beverly.
Thank you, Joe. I don't
love that shirt on you.
It draws all the color out of your face,
and you're already
very pale to begin with.
Yep, she really
wasn't used to attention.
Terrible news.
Ms. Kramer was home gardening,
and she hoe'd off her pinky toe.
- Oh, no.
- How horrible!
Been there.
Worse yet, she's the only faculty member
that I could bamboozle into
running the yearbook committee.
I'd be happy to take over.
Thank you, Beverly, but be prepared
to waste hours of your life on this.
I can help out.
We can waste hours
of our lives together.
- Wait, what's happening?
- Thank you, Joe.
I It's really just a one-person job.
I'd love to get started.
- What's your afternoon looking like?
- I'm totally free.
Don't you have appointments
with the students?
Honestly, they mostly just listen
to what their friends say.
- Should we head to my office?
- Yearbook team. So exciting!
I think old James Dean likes blondie.
Obviously, Helen. Thanks for coming to.
You're welcome.
As Mr. Perott was looking
for some quality time with my mom,
Dave Kim was home from college
looking for my expertise.
So, I have a huge favor to ask.
Will you read my script?
You wrote a script?
I took a screenwriting
elective on a lark.
You want me to take time out
of my day to read your script?
Am I saying it weird?
I'll read this on one condition.
No matter how harsh my criticism
is, you can't be mad at me.
I'd never be mad at you.
It's gonna feel like an
anvil crushing your heart,
your head, and your groin all at once.
I've been kicked down there many a time.
Dave Kim's lower half is made of
stronger stuff than you'd think.
- Amadoofus?
- It's a comedic spoof of Amadeus.
Hey, have you seen
Muriel's binkie? Wh
Amadoofus? That's hilarious, Adam.
It's Dave Kim's script.
Oh, that tracks. Noice, DK.
So I headed
upstairs, took out my red pen,
and got ready to mark
up my friend's script.
But to my surprise,
and slowly my horror,
- ink never touched the page.
- No! No, no!
The puns, sublime.
The gags, hysterical.
It was a spoof for the ages.
There was only one way
to describe what I read.
Balls! Balls, balls, balls, balls!
- Balls.
- Yep, it blew my mind.
And as Dave Kim's best friend,
I had no choice but to give him his due.
It's good, not great.
Now back to the bio lab,
you mildly creative doctor-to-be.
NYU's gonna give him $3,000 to shoot it!
Shoot [Bleep] what now?
I won a screenwriting contest at school.
I kept it secret 'cause I
didn't want your opinion colored
by my overnight success.
That's grea
That's so great!
He re-named Salieri "Silly Larry."
- I mean, how genius is that?
- No, I read it.
Dave, is there any way I could
just, like, watch you write sometime?
- No. That's weird.
- Totally get that.
But come to the table read later.
Brea will be there, Walls,
lots of familiar faces.
Wow, those folks have been
in quite a few movies of mine.
And now they're in mine.
I'll be playing Amadoofus,
but I do have one part yet to cast.
- Could I do it?
- Absolutely not.
You're right. I'd just mess it up.
Adam, may I cast you in
the role of Silly Larry?
Amadoofus's jealous rival?
You're the only person I know
who could bring the character to life.
But of course.
Whoa. Things just got weirdly tense.
You creative types are
such a mystery to me.
While Dave Kim put
me down for the role of his rival,
my mom still couldn't pick up on
Mr. Perott's increasing attention.
Okay, so, this is for
student superlatives.
- Mm-hmm.
- Best Personality, Best Dresser,
Most Likely To Get A Job
That Requires Coveralls.
Maybe we should add some
teacher superlatives, huh?
- Oh.
- Like Best Eyes.
You know who I think would win?
- Nick Mellor.
- No.
- Ms. Cinoman?
- No.
- Mr. Crosby?
- I can just tell you.
- Nurse Steve!
- No.
Now, technically, he could
only win for Best Eye,
but the one he does have is
very pleasant.
You! I was gonna say you.
My mom still wasn't getting it!
I'm Quaker Warden. I'm not a teacher.
I wouldn't qualify, you silly goof.
Anyway, I hope this
doesn't seem weird, Bev,
but I made you a mixtape.
This will be perfect for my grandbaby.
Get this when she gets backed up,
- music helps her poop.
- Mm.
But, finally, Mr. Perott had an opening.
It's getting late. I should
call Adam to pick me up.
Or I could just
give you a ride home.
Joe, you are a lifesaver.
- Where's your car parked?
- I don't have a car.
No! Motorcycles are not safe.
A little danger can be a thrill, Bev.
How can I be sure not to fall off?
Just wrap your arms around me.
And hold on tight.
Frisky business.
What is happening?
She is really pressed against him.
I see that, Helen!
As surprised as Mr. Glascott was,
a few others were even more in shock.
Is that Mr. Perott?
With another hottie
wrapped around his waist.
Why is he stopping here?
Yeah, look at that sexy denim jacket.
She's a ho Oh, no!
Hey, Schmoos!
Hey, Bev, I was thinking, uh
you want to go to dinner sometime?
Joe, I would love that.
Oh, wow. Okay.
It's so smart to take brainstorming
for the yearbook outside the school.
- Uh, sure.
- Maybe we can go to O'Grady's.
- They have bottomless lemonade.
- Uh
I'll be making many
trips to the girl potty,
but it'll be totally worth it.
- Uh
- See you tomorrow.
She may not have known it,
but my mom just agreed
to her first date.
Meanwhile, it was time for
Dave Kim's first table read.
Amadoofus's wife
enters the hospital room
to find Silly Larry on his death bed.
My crime is jealousy.
Amadoofus was the genius I wish I was.
But wait! Something stirs within me.
Just then, Silly Larry lets out
an impossibly long and melodic fart,
then keels over and dies.
He finally composed a
song worthy of admiration.
With his butt.
- And scene.
- Maestro.
That was sublime.
And I'm not completely
sure what sublime means.
Fun collab, gang!
I'll be in my trailer,
which is your room.
No disturbances as I rest my big brain.
Ah, man, that guy is too much.
Oh, totally. Dave Kim is too much.
Not the positive too much.
The negative too much.
Sure, he's a bit full of
himself, but can you blame him?
He just won that big contest.
But silly comedic spoofs are mything.
You should watch the real Amadeus.
- I think it'll give you some perspective.
- Why would I do that?
Because you'd sound less
like Dave Kim's friend Adam,
and more like Salieri,
Mozart's vengeful mentor.
Maybe it is time to figure out
what this is really all about.
So, I watched Amadeus.
How can a movie without
lasers or Muppets be so good?
And I discovered Salieri
gets his revenge
and so would I.
You'll rue the day you messed
with Silly Larry, Amadoofus!
So, Mr. Perott asked out my mom.
Even though she was
clueless, Barry was not happy.
And he was not alone.
Your mom was on the back of a hog!
He asked her to dinner!
The meal where connections are made!
We have to stop this!
- Thank goodness you feel the same!
- Come here.
- You know, that's our first hug.
- Eh, let's not linger on it.
I always thought I'd hug Adam
first, then Erica, and you last.
I knew you weren't gonna
be able to hug me normally.
You two will stop at nothing.
Is that a giant Pixy Stix?
Mr. Glascott, I'm
sorry to tell you this,
but your jealousy is a waste of time.
My mom doesn't think of you that way.
How dare you! My heart belongs to my ex.
She sent me a letter through her lawyer
demanding more spousal support.
She's such a flirt.
So why are you all worked up?
Because I have my cousin Gerald
in my back pocket for your mom
when she's ready for romance.
He has his own bait shop,
so she'll never want for small
fish to catch bigger fish.
Okay, can we focus on Perott, please?
The good news is, Mom thinks
the date is a yearbook meeting.
And once we tell her
what's really going on,
I'm sure she'll panic and cancel.
Which is why you're going
to keep your face hole shut.
She's not ready for this.
I think she is, and I
just want her to be happy.
Doesn't matter, 'cause you can't
stop me from talking to her!
Ow! Ow! No fair! I wasn't
in my defensive stance!
Swear you won't talk to Mom,
or I will crack you in half!
Do what she says. Her eyes are dead.
Fine! I won't say a thing to Mom!
I could have broken out
of that if I wanted to,
but I would've had decapitated
you, so you're welcome.
But I didn't say anything
about talking to Mr. Perott.
Aha! Trickery's afoot.
Should we hug again to celebrate?
Another time it is.
And so, Barry went
to confront my mom's suitor.
We need to talk, scoundrel!
- Yeah, your sister was just telling me.
- Hey, pal.
Why are you showing up everywhere
with giant novelty foods?
That's mything!
Listen, Bar, take a seat.
I understand you're feeling
a little bit conflicted
about me and your mom.
So let's, uh let's talk like bros.
- With puppets.
- What?
I like your mom, dude.
While Erica had foiled Barry's plan,
my plan to drive Dave Kim to madness
was about to come alive.
His rear is not of this world.
Um, what is his workout regimen?
Hm. Oh, he never works
out, Your Majesty.
He was born this way.
How can a just God give
that fool such a rump
while mine is so pedestrian?
- I curse the heavens!
- And cut.
It was time for
Silly Larry to do his thing.
It's hard for me to say, Dave Kim,
but this is the best movie
I've ever been a part of.
It means a lot to hear that.
Especially the part where you
admit it's hard for you to say.
If I have one criticism
I would love to hear it super busy.
I just wish it was longer.
- Okay.
- Everything you think of is so good.
Why stop writing?
More jokes, more story,
more pages, more
- Dave Kim.
- Exactly.
To my room trailer!
- I need to create.
- Go!
Do what only you can do!
Just like that, I
used the ultimate weapon to destroy
Dave Kim Dave Kim.
Hilarious!
If I weren't too busy
typing, I'd be laughing.
I just hope there's more.
Yes, more! Much more!
All the precious words!
I'm envisioning a comedic nightmare
where Silly Larry's butt grows
to the size of a beach ball.
You'll need a special pair of pants.
I'll go get my mom's sewing machine.
Ugh. Dave Kim.
This is a terrible dream.
- Shh! Let the genius work.
- Perfect!
I'm perfect!
With my trap set, the rest was easy.
- Ahh!
- Relax, buddy. It's me.
Did you sleep at all?
- Not really.
- You should rest.
I'll fill in while you
gather your strength.
- But my movie
- It'll be fine.
I have your shot list,
your mediocre script
- Mediocre?
- I said meteoric.
You're hearing things, you poor fellow.
Silly Larry will take it from here.
My plan worked flawlessly.
Barry, on the other hand,
was running out of moves.
They're worms and minnows, Gerald.
They can survive for
one night without you.
- Cousin Gerald's out.
- Oh, damn it!
We're running out of time!
You know, now that my
kin is out of the picture,
I'm rethinking this.
Then there's no other choice.
- You must seduce my mother away from him.
- No, thank you!
Take off that sweater vest and
let me comb out your mustache.
We gotta raise your appeal, man.
No! Get off of me!
And why am I conspiring
with my friend's son?
Because we both want the same thing
for my mother to grow old alone.
No! And Mr. Perott's a good guy.
He keeps his cubby clean
in the lounge at school,
and he's the only person I've ever met
that actually likes your mom's sweaters.
Well, if it's her sweaters he likes,
- it's her sweaters he'll never see.
- Exactly.
Wait. What nonsense!
She can't go on a date if
she has nothing to wear.
This relationship will be
over before it's even started.
So, with one last desperate attempt,
Barry hid my mom's sweaters,
then packed her pants,
ditched her dresses,
and stashed her shoes.
Just when he thought he'd won,
Erica had once again
beat him to the punch.
- Aw, man!
- Are you sure this is okay?
I feel silly in your dress.
- It's so plain.
- Faculty advisors always dress up
for outside-the-school meetings.
It's in the school charter.
Quakers they're so
peaceful and weird.
Barry, Erica told me you took
all my clothes to the cleaners.
- Ah, such a good boy.
- Yeah, such a good boy.
But I'm the better boy.
Wow. Beverly, you look great.
Well, by-laws are by-laws.
- Here's the yearbook stuff.
- Okay.
As my mom still couldn't
see where the night was headed,
I had steered Dave Kim's
production in a new direction.
Okay, people. Time to roll film.
This is so exciting.
I'm a professional actor!
Also, I lost my script.
I don't get these new pages.
I made a few tweaks.
Amadoofus admits he's a fraud
and then declares Silly
Larry the real genius?
Then he poops himself and dies?
A death poop.
Hilarious, right?
Why do I keep agreeing
to do these things?
Cut! He's ruining my masterpiece!
Balls! He's awake!
I know what you're up to.
I found your new pages
on the back of the toilet!
Oh, there's my script.
You just couldn't stand that
Dave Kim's the funny one now.
That Dave Kim's the one
everyone wants to be!
- Don't get carried away.
- For starters, your hair
- Your clothes
- Sometimes your personality
Okay, Dave Kim is flawed!
You're more than flawed.
You're petty and mean!
Oh, you're one to talk!
Casting me as your jealous rival?
Refusing to admit I can write, too?
Making Brea your "wife"?
I know what that's about!
Don't be ridiculous!
Unless, of course, some
long-repressed feelings are emerging.
I really have to stop coming back home.
What scene is this?
Now I know I definitely don't
want to live with you next year.
Live together?
- I don't even want to be your friend!
- Fine by me!
Could I borrow that script?
The big date was underway,
and despite my mom's confusion,
or rather because of it,
things were going pretty well.
So, what do you think of the background
for this dedication page?
A collage of your kids?
They really do represent
all the children of the
world, don't you think?
I do. More wine?
I love how creatively in sync we are.
You know, I always thought we, uh,
had our own sort of connection.
You know, I didn't think
this place was gonna work
with the small table, the poor lighting,
and the roaming violinist,
but we are getting so much work done.
We make a good team.
One could even say,
we make a good couple.
Well, that's a funny
place to rest your hand.
Were you reaching for
the rolls and got tired?
No.
- No, I wasn't.
- In that moment, my
mom finally put the pieces together.
My tummy just got hot.
The romantic bistro.
The tender music.
The flirty banter.
We'll have the "lovers' special."
Lovers' special. Lovers' special.
Beverly, you are gorgeous.
Oh, no!
I am gorgeous!
Beverly, are you okay?
Joe, are we
on a date?
You didn't know?
- Unhand her!
- No, hand her!
I told you, she's not ready for this!
I don't want to see her get hurt!
And I don't want to see her alone!
She's not alone. She has us.
- She needs way more than us.
- Enough!
Stop fighting about your
mother's romantic inclinations!
Oh, no! Don't say it that way. Gross.
Kids, sit down.
The fact is, I am not
ready to start dating.
In fact, until this moment,
I hadn't even thought about it.
- Good.
- But now that we are talking about it,
I guess I will be ready someday.
- Okay?
- Okay.
And when I am,
everything's gonna be fine
because I have the
most wonderful Schmoos
looking after me.
You got that right.
We really are pretty great.
You can leave now.
- Barry.
- You've been rejected.
Barry! Joe, I'm so flattered
and so sorry.
Ah, don't be. I get it.
Maybe some other time.
I'm just gonna make
sure he actually leaves.
He called me gorgeous!
My mom took a big step that day.
And with Geoff's help, I
was ready to do the same.
Adam has something he'd like to say.
So does Dave Kim, actually.
- I'm so sorry!
- No, I'm sorry!
- Your script is amazing!
- Your script is amazing!
- I've been a terrible friend!
- I've been a terrible human.
Okay, they both know they suck.
Yeah, we can let them take it from here.
It was just
hard seeing you thrive at something
I always thought was my thing.
It is your thing.
You're the funniest writer I know.
Well, you're pretty good, too, Dave Kim.
And you know what?
Maybe next year, when we're both at NYU,
we can work on something together.
- That would be amazing.
- Great.
But before all that, let's
finish your Amadoofus?
I would really love that.
Relationships go through many changes.
Your best friend can
turn into your enemy
then back to your best friend.
Or the people you take
care of can, overnight,
be the ones who are taking care of you.
Come and rock me, Amadeus ♪
Amadeus, Amadeus ♪
Yeah, we may not
always catch the hints right away,
but once we do, we realize
they were there all along
Amadeus, Amadeus ♪
thanks to those we love
being there when we need them
and, of course, sharing
laughter along the way.
Amadeus ♪
Erica, thanks for being open to me
getting back out there.
Please, we're not just mother
and daughter, we're friends.
You can always talk
to me about this stuff.
- Like how dreamy Tom Berenger is?
- I guess.
I like how his hair
is so ruggedly curly.
Sure, nice lettuce.
You can tell he's a bad
boy who does bad things.
Bad That's how I'm starting to feel.
Major League? More like
major yum. Am I right?
Okay, that's it! I'm out.
You know what? I'm gonna keep
this magazine, if that's okay.
Oh, totally fine. Friendship over.