Will and Grace s10e12 Episode Script

1 "Will & Grace" is shot before a live studio audience.
This is exciting.
You and me, biking to work together.
Why didn't we do this sooner? Well, A: We've never worked near each other before.
And B: You're afraid of the truth-revealing properties of Spandex.
Speaking of which, what do you have in your bike shorts? You've been dying to ask that for 30 years.
I packed a banana for later.
But guess what? I'm hungry now.
You want a peach? It's quite the fruit basket you've got there.
You know the best part about teaching? I can ride my bike to work, 'cause I don't have to get all dressed up.
Or is the best part that you're in a position of power and there's all these hot, young guys around and if you ask them out they have to say yes or you'd fail them? You do understand the difference between a law school and a porno set in a law school, right? Come on, there isn't one teacher you wouldn't mind swapping briefs with? Well, there's this one guy Paul, teaches civil procedure.
He's been kind of giving me a vibe lately.
Okay, okay, so he's a chubby chaser, that's good.
No, hooking up with a coworker? - It's frowned upon.
- It's frowned upon? Heavens no.
Stop playing it so safe.
You're in your early hundreds.
- Take a risk for once.
- I take risks.
He is pretty cute.
Maybe you're right.
Have I ever been wrong? Except always, almost never.
Exactly.
- Shall we? - We shall.
[FOOTSTEPS CLACKING.]
[FOOTSTEPS CLACK.]
[FOOTSTEPS CLACKING.]
[RHYTHMIC CLACKING.]
- Six, seven, now.
- [FOOTSTEPS CLACKING.]
[UPBEAT TRUMPET AND PIANO MUSIC.]
Look, Melania, I really appreciate you thinking of me, and this guy sounds great, but I'm not ready to start dating.
I just got a divorce, and No, it's super easy.
You just have to sign a few papers.
Yeah, yeah, I'll shoot you his info.
Okay.
- Be best, girl.
- [PHONE BEEPS.]
That was your First Lady trying to fix me up again.
Not sure we really trust her taste in men.
Like she had a choice.
Maybe you should think about getting back out there.
- I'm not ready.
- Who is? Do you think I was ready the first time I had sex after Leo and I divorced? Oh, huh, how about that? Only took 45 seconds to make it about you.
I am not making it about me.
So I was with this guy, and I shouted out "Leo!" in bed, so I had to pretend that I was telling him my astrological sign but his was Cancer, so he shouts out "Cancer!" - [LAUGHS.]
- [SNORTS, LAUGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
Wait, what were we talking about? - Me.
- Oh, that's right.
Look, all I'm trying to say is that I thought I would never be ready, but I forced myself to get back on the horse.
I would like to ride a horse again.
Mm-hmm.
Stan was never allowed, for animal safety reasons.
You know what? I will go out with this guy.
And thank you, Grace.
I don't want to end up like you.
But I never said You're welcome.
[ELEVATOR DINGS.]
Ooh! My new fabric from Istanbul! Oh, thank you, Richard.
Or would you prefer "Rich"? I prefer "Steve," because that's my name.
Fair enough.
[SOFT LAUGH.]
Okay.
[EXHALES.]
Thank God that's over.
I believe this is yours.
Malcolm, what are you doing here? And why did you come in a FedEx box? 'Cause I absolutely positively had to get here overnight.
Where's Karen? Actually, she's on a date.
She got back on the horse and I'm proud of her.
Me too.
I know she couldn't ride with Stan because of animal safety issues.
[GROANS.]
I have to see her, Grace.
For the last five months, she's all I've thought about.
I could barely waterboard my target in Bahrain because his screams reminded me of our lovemaking.
Wait a minute, that's torture.
You have no idea.
[UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC.]
[ELEVATOR DINGS.]
[DOG YAPS.]
Morning, bitches.
Jack McFarland.
You don't remember me, do you? You remember my sister Zandra.
She was your acting teacher.
And I used to sub for her whenever she fell prey to the tragic personal demons, and also when she played Old Whore in "One Life to Live.
" Zusanna? She never saw the potential in you that I saw.
I told her, "Jack has that something "that's rare and precious in an actor: His checks always clear.
" Ha-ha! "Zusanna's Dog Walking Service?" Wait, so you're not teaching anymore? Teaching? No.
It robbed me of all my creative energy.
Teaching is for no-talent hacks.
What are you doing with yourself? So I'm a teacher.
Kind of half-teacher, half-actor, you know.
But I still get health and dental.
Does Tom Cruise have dental? No, but he's such a good actor you believe he has teeth.
You can't be half an actor, Jack! What's "hoff-en-octa-jock"? Precisely.
You must commit to your craft! All right, I'll do it! I'll temporarily unretire and I'll teach you again.
- Really? - [LAUGHING.]
Yeah.
I haven't had an acting teacher since I got kicked out of my online master class with Manny from "Modern Family.
" Well, I will drop by the rec center later, and we will embark on our journey together.
My sister Zandra said that teaching you was like trying to teach a donkey to curtsey.
But I will consider it an honor.
Hey, how is Zandra, by the way? She's no longer with us.
She was cleaning her gun, and she accidentally fell out the window.
Then six months later, she had a heart attack and died.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
She she's gone? Oh, my God, Zandra.
[INHALES SHARPLY.]
[SHRIEKING.]
Zandra! [DOGS BARK.]
[CRYING.]
Why? [TEARFUL MUTTERING.]
Oh, wait, I knew that.
Hey, Paul, you teaching today? Actually, they, uh, moved my class right next door, so looks like we're neighbors.
Ohh, the gays are taking over the hood.
All right, well, let me know if you need anything from the boy next door.
- Uh, Paul, you - Yeah? - Want to grab a drink sometime? - Sure.
Wow, I just, uh I did not expect that from you.
You kind of seem like a "rule" guy.
[SCOFFS.]
That was a different Will Truman.
That guy's got a real stick up his ass.
Well, does this Will Truman have a problem with faculty dating being frowned upon? Frowned upon? Please.
Who cares? Not this guy.
Hey.
How was the date? I don't want to talk about it.
All right, quit pestering me! I'll tell you! - He stood me up.
- Oh, Karen.
I am done.
I have had two loves in my life.
One divorced me, the other caused the divorce.
That is it.
- I saw Malcolm.
- What? He wants to give it another shot.
Maybe you should think about it.
Absolutely not.
That man ruined my life.
Okay, okay, look, Karen, can I just give you 30 seconds of tough love? Fine.
But no car antennas and stay away from the face.
No! No, Karen.
What People in healthy relationships don't cheat.
[UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC.]
Now, let's explore fear.
Show me a man who's afraid of heights.
Yes, yes, now show me a man who's afraid of losing his lover.
No, he's still afraid of heights.
Show me a man who's afraid of birds! - Birds? - Of birds! He's afraid of losing his lover.
Now he's afraid of heights.
He's afraid of birds.
He's afraid of birds with his lover.
He's afraid of his lover on the heights with the birds! Now he's afraid of his lover! Lover, lover, lover, lover, lover, lover.
Lover now stop.
Now what if I asked you to show me a man who's biggest fear is that he won't make it as an actor? A man who's taken a safe job so he doesn't have to risk everything as an artist.
What would that look like? It would it would look like me.
That's right, a true artist doesn't have a safety net.
You have to ask yourself, "Am I a teacher? Or am I an actor?" - I'm an actor.
- What? - I'm an actor.
- I don't believe you.
Hi, Mr.
McFarland.
Mr.
McFarland is dead, Felix! He was your teacher.
I am an actor and only an actor! And from this day forward, I am "Just Jack.
" - Hey.
- You ready? - Definitely.
- Oh, good.
I was, uh, kind of worried you were gonna bail.
Crossed my mind for a second.
But they say when you're on your deathbed, it's not the things you did that you regret but the things you didn't do.
And I don't want this to be something that I didn't do.
I am flattered that I am the thing that you want to do.
[SOFT CHUCKLE.]
Let's get out of here.
You read my mind.
- There you are.
- Oh, Liam.
- Uh, hey.
- Hi.
[KISSES.]
I was looking for you all over.
Oh, yeah, uh, they moved my class.
Wait, I thought you had dinner with your sister? She cancelled, then Iris called to say she couldn't sit.
- Everything at once.
- Oh.
Hi, I'm Liam, Paul's husband.
Will Truman.
[SOFT CHUCKLE.]
Didn't tell me you had a child.
[CHUCKLES.]
I lost Lucy's bunny.
I need the backup bunny.
Oh, it's, uh, it's in my bag.
She's an angel.
Would you like to hold her, Will? Definitely.
Uh, we will be right back.
I didn't mean to bother you at work.
No-no-no, don't worry about it.
Don't look at me like that.
I didn't do anything.
- [BABY WHINING.]
- Okay, yes.
I I agreed to meet with him.
So I'm complicit.
You raise a good point.
But, um, you know, I'm not breaking any laws.
Which is a weak defense with the word "ethics" written behind you Fell right into your trap.
Hm.
[SIGHS.]
Hope I never have to face you in court.
You're relentless.
Thank you, Will.
Oh, oh, sure.
She's a sweetie.
Okay then.
- I'll see you at home later? - Okay.
- I love you.
- Mm, I love you too.
Well, that was awkward.
- You think? - [SOFT CHUCKLE.]
You guys have an arrangement or? Uh, yeah, if I get caught, he arranges my murder.
- Drink? - No! You have a husband and a baby.
And not just any husband and a baby but a husband who clearly loves you and a baby who arguably has the greatest legal mind of any baby in our time.
I thought you said that you were a risk-taker.
Well, I'm not.
I'm a classic rule-follower.
That's why I like the law.
It's all about the rules.
Come on, you know it's different with two guys.
- We make our own rules.
- No, we don't.
I don't.
You know, we spend all these years saying marriage is marriage and love is love till we were blue in the face.
And now that we finally have what we were fighting for, we say cheating is not always cheating? I mean, that just seems like cheating.
Sorry, Paul, I [SIGHS.]
See you around the hood.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
Oh, damn it.
[UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC.]
What is he doing here? She didn't specify where I had to be at the time the call took place.
I will talk to you or be in the same room with you, but I will not do both.
- Fine.
- Fine.
And I have gotten zero done today, so I will be in my office.
Grace, wait.
Please stay.
Karen and I have a long history of using a middleman to overcome obstacles.
In 2017, when we couldn't touch, we both kissed Smitty.
In 2012, when we promised not to see each other anymore, we had virtual sex as orcs in "World of Warcraft.
" When we cut off all communication in 2007, I gave her a shout-out by ghostwriting the song "Promiscuous" by Nelly Furtado featuring Timbaland.
Be our middleman, Grace.
It could work, because in the middle, you resemble a man.
Fine.
[SIGHS.]
- You want me to say that? - Yeah.
"Karen, I can't stop thinking about "your sweet, sweet lady-nest.
It is the only place I truly feel home.
" - No, I'm not saying that.
- [YAPS.]
"And I have thought, once or twice, "about your skin missile "And your targeted carpet bombing "and the things you let me do to you that no man has ever let me do before.
" "Like what?" Wait what am I doing? Enough! How are you two even alive? Why don't the two of you just make up already? He told Stan about our affair.
When you cut me out of your life, I felt like I was drowning.
And I love you desperately, Karen, like Mark Antony loved Cleopatra.
He threw away the world for her, because an empire without her by his side was a prison.
Oh, Malcolm.
Your words give me feelings in my heart area.
But no.
You ruined my marriage and I don't think I could ever forget that.
But you could forgive him.
Look, obviously, on some deeply weird level, the two of you are meant for each other.
But without forgiveness, the past never stops hurting.
It stays with you, like Fergie's performance of the national anthem.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR SHUTS.]
Excuse me, miss? Is this Grace Adler Designs? Why, yes it is.
How can I help you? Well, I'm looking for a sunny little piece for my apartment and I think I may have just found it.
Karen Walker.
Malcolm Widmark.
[KISSES.]
Uh, there's a place around the corner that keeps a bottle of Château Lafite Rothschild at the bar for me.
- Do you drink? - A widdle.
I'd like to get to know you better.
If I'm being too forward, I truly hope that you'll forgive me.
I forgive you.
Felix! You are unencumbered by ability and talent.
Go out and take yourself a lover so you can bring something to this.
Right now, take a lover, a big ole lover.
Go.
[GROANS.]
I want to see scars! Zusanna? Jack, what are you doing here? I came to ask Theodore for my job back.
I can't lose my dental.
When you slapped me, you knocked a tooth loose.
I swallowed it on my bus ride home.
What are you doing here? Well, I work here.
I'm your replacement.
But you said teaching here Wait a minute, you manipulated me to steal my job? Jack, I needed insurance.
So I spun a little tale.
I created a conflict between us for the greater purpose.
You know what that's called? Acting, Jack.
Oh, that's "octing-jock.
" Yes, it's you, my boy.
That was your first lesson and you passed with flying colors.
- I did? - Yes.
You faced your fear and you leapt into the unknown.
A man at your age and with your limited talent, it's the greatest leap I've ever seen.
Oh, Jack.
You know, sometimes I think of you as the son I never had.
- Do you mean that? - Yeah [SOFT GROAN.]
I still need money to go to the dentist though.
Well, lucky for you, I know a job opening that will pay you just enough to keep you out of poverty but not nearly enough to make you feel secure.
- I have to pee.
- [DOGS YAPPING.]
I have to I let you pee! I am the alpha!