M*A*S*H (MASH) s10e13 Episode Script

Thanks, Lieutenant.
Keep him on the penicillin.
Same dosage.
Hey, I got good news for you, Corporal.
- You're going home.
- Tell me the truth, Doc.
How's my leg? It's going home with you.
Listen up, folks.
I've got the best news possible short of a truce.
The negotiators have finally reached an agreement.
There's gonna be potato salad and not coleslaw with their lunch.
Better some of our infantry boys just liberated a chicken farm on the Imjin.
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe those chickens enjoyed the communist way of life.
- Pierce, will you let the man talk? - All right.
It's okay, Margaret.
Let him rant.
He'll just end up with egg on his face instead of in his mouth like the rest of us.
Eggs? In Korea? Impossible.
- Korean chickens only lay powder.
- Pierce, shut up already.
- Talk, sir.
- Thank you, Major.
It seems the farmer is so grateful, he's donating an entire day's egg production to all the G.
I.
's in the area.
Does that include us? Yup.
Tomorrow, at a special Sunday brunch, officers, enlisted men and wounded will get fresh eggs.
Eggs? Real eggs? Un-powdered, un-simulated, un-fabricated, unadulterated, un-army eggs? - Unbelievable.
- Factory fresh.
Paint isn't dry on the shells yet.
The last fresh egg I had was over a year ago - and that was in a shampoo.
- I'll take 50 over-easy.
Sorry, Pierce.
Two's the limit.
Violators will be shot.
You know how I like mine? Fried up so the yoke is a glowing yellow jewel in the shimmering alabaster white.
You'd better have your eggs with a cold shower.
There is nothing to compare with eggs delicately poached on toast, bronzed to perfection side-by-side with precisely sauteed kippers.
The best eggs I remember was when I was an intern.
I'd been on duty all night with this fantastic nurse.
What a figure.
Extra Large.
Grade "A.
" She invited me up to her place for breakfast.
As soon as we got there, she put on two three-minute eggs.
Four hours later, we ate them.
Well, I have rounds to make.
I will leave you desperate gentlemen alone with your fantasies.
Charles, my fantasies are seldom alone.
You know, I was thinkin' maybe, if we're lucky, this raid on the Imjin will start a trend.
Today, a poultry farm.
Tomorrow, a liquor store.
Can you pass me the sugar please? - Excuse me.
- Are you talkin' to me? Yeah.
Would you please pass the sugar? I know how you feel.
The food's inedible, but you need it to live.
It's an interesting dilemma.
If you could stay around till tomorrow, you're in for a big treat.
- Fresh eggs.
- Great.
I'm Pierce and he's Hunnicutt.
They call me "Hawkeye" and him "B.
J.
" We're drinkers by trade.
We only got our M.
D.
's so we could operate on each other's livers.
- What's your name? - Gillis.
Nick Gillis.
Now would you just please leave me alone? Sometimes for dessert we go back to our tent and forget dinner.
With a good drink.
You wanna join us? - Yeah.
- Only if you don't hold us to the "good" part.
Come on.
Boy, I never tasted stuff this strong before.
We forge our own prescriptions.
So, how long you guys been over here? Oh, let's see, 15th of next month, it'll be forever.
- How 'bout you? - Just a little over a year now.
- You guys married? - No, it's just that we've been through so much together that we look that way.
I am.
I got a little girl back in California.
Some day I'm hoping to be introduced to her.
Are you okay, Nick? I'm from Idaho and there's this guy back in Boise I, uh, just got a letter from him the day before yesterday uh Congratulating me on the baby my wife just had.
I know what it's like to be away from home.
Every time I get a letter from Peg telling me something Erin's doing - I'm ready to climb the walls.
- Look! Aren't you listening to me? I just told ya, I been here over a year! The baby was born three weeks ago.
I'm - sorry.
- That's rough.
I mean, all this time she's been writing me, Gloria's never mentioned a word about it.
You know? Just a lot of stuff about the weather and who's doin' what.
Who's doin' what Boy, isn't that a laugh, huh? Uh, does your unit know where you are? I thought you said this was supposed to be a friendly drink.
- No.
Just between us.
- Yeah, but you guys are officers.
Doctors not soldiers.
All right.
I've been AWOL since yesterday.
Have you talked to anybody about this? Well, I was gonna talk to the chaplain but I just decided I wanna get the hell out of there and go home.
Okay, well, now that you're out, maybe you ought to talk to our chaplain.
- Father Mulcahy.
- If anybody can find a way to get you home - it's him.
- Yeah.
I guess that wouldn't be such a bad idea.
I'm sure he'd be glad to see you right now.
No.
Yeah, well Tomorrow would be soon enough.
Come on.
Gently.
Gently.
To accompany my poached eggs, Pernelli, I want these kippers delicately sauteed.
I never learned that.
At army cook school sauteed was for guys on scholarship.
Hold it.
Hold it.
- You're making me nervous! - Remember I want these eggs boiled exactly three minutes and 15 seconds.
I'll throw a stopwatch in the pot.
Hey, Sal! Sal! Can you make me a cheese omelet? Sure thing.
I'll saute it for three minutes and 15 seconds.
Oh, great.
Here's the cheese.
What is that odoriferous fungal mass? - Lebanese goat cheese.
- It's worse than I thought.
- I've been ripening it in a damp, dark place.
- Your boots? That does it! I'm not standing around here cooking eggs from now till V.
K.
Day.
Oh, come on, Sal.
If I don't eat this cheese before tomorrow - I'll be killing a living thing.
- Everybody gets scrambled - no special orders.
- Scrambled? Scrambled! Scrambled! I'll just take three eggs, if that's all right.
- I'll just take - Here's the added fixin's for my Western omelet.
Mildred clipped this recipe right out of Argosy.
- Well, sure.
- Sure? Hold it! What can I say? I've been outranked by bologna.
Beej! They're here! Hey! Hey! They're here! - Tell them to go away.
I'm sleeping.
- No, the eggs.
- The eggs! I saw them.
- Hmm? They're in the kitchen lined up as far as the mouth can water.
- I touched them.
- I'm happy for both of you.
Wait a minute.
What are you doin'? Get up.
It's brunch day.
I know.
I know.
"Brunch" means later.
Today is gonna be my Sunday back home.
I get to sleep late, lie around for an hour or so then have a delicious real egg meal, then take a nap.
Boy, some fun you are.
You sleep.
I'm gonna go to the kitchen and see if I can lick the shells.
You lick.
I'll sleep.
Boy, those drinks really put my lights out.
We use nothing but the finest embalming ingredients available.
Listen, we talked to the chaplain last night.
- He wants to see ya after this morning's services.
- Oh, you have services here? Every Sunday and before Salisbury steak.
- Oh, when? - In about 10 minutes.
Great.
I'd like to go.
Well, it shouldn't be any problem.
There are always seats available.
Good.
Maybe me and the priest can work this thing out.
If not, then I'll be on my way.
Hey, hey.
Uh, you guys will be goin' to the services too, won't ya? Oh! Wouldn't miss it.
Yeah.
Wouldn't miss it.
- Wait.
Hey, Beej! - Hmm? - Good thing I woke you.
- Wh-Why? You almost slept through the services.
So, I think we can draw the conclusion from our allegorical story of the one-legged man and the wheelbarrow that no matter how difficult it might be to manage life's uphill struggles no matter how steep the climb the rewards for which we are all destined will make the arduous journey worthwhile.
- Amen.
- Amen.
- Now, then, I havejust a few announcements.
- Don't worry.
- He's much better in person.
- The missing middle reel from last week's Samson and Delilah has just arrived with the second and fourth reels of this week's movie, Mr.
Belvedere Goes To College starring the always fastidious, and equally amusing, Clifton Webb.
These reels will be shown in as coherent an order as possible tomorrow at 2000 hours.
Thus creating the movie hit Samson and Mr.
Belvedere Go To Delilah.
Also, for future R& R's in Tokyo I've prepared a list of churches offering round-the-clock confessional facilities most, I'm told, are bathhouse close.
Amen.
After you, Gillis.
- Those of you wishing to learn more about the Bible - How'd you know where to find me? - Did they call you? - You're not the first man to go AWOL.
I drew a straight line between our sector and Seoul and followed it right into this mess tent.
Now, you and I are gonna follow it back.
- No.
- Shh! Tut-tut.
Now, we will conclude this morning's service with the usual singing of the doxology.
If you'll all please rise.
# Praise God # # From whom all blessings flow # - # Praise # - Now, Gillis.
- Hey, hey, hey! - Hey! Is there a problem? - # Below # It's nothing I can't handle.
This man's not where he's supposed to be.
- Well, who of us is? - Just a minute here! Lieutenant, would you be so kind as to explain why you have disrupted my service? Father, this man is AWOL from my platoon, and my C.
O.
Wants him returned immediately.
- Is that right, son? - I've got to get home, sir.
- He's got a pretty good reason, Colonel.
- Maybe so, Pierce but that's none of our business.
Private, you'd better go back and run the iron over this with your C.
O - before you get in any more trouble.
- No, I won't.
You move your butt, or the M.
P.
's will drag it out of here.
- Take it easy.
- The kid's just a little mixed-up.
- Just a minute.
This is a place of worship.
- Tell him, Father.
I'm trying to make this peaceful.
- You better go along, son.
- I'm not goin' anywhere and you can't touch me.
- The hell I can't.
- Didn't ya hear the chaplain? This is a church.
Church? It's a chow hall! - Sergeant! - Hey, w-w-wait a minute.
I got a right to, uh to, uh - I got a right to something, Father.
Wha - Sanctuary? Yeah! That's it! Sanctuary! That's it.
Sanctuary.
I've got a right to Sanctuary.
Don't hand me that.
Sergeant! Just a minute, Sergeant.
Colonel, they-they can't do this.
I'm sorry, Padre, but I think the lieutenant's right.
Colonel, I realize I have no military authority nevertheless, as a man of God, I believe there's a religious principle here which takes precedence.
This is a place of worship be it a cathedral or a mess hall.
If the boy chooses to take refuge here, then I must grant it to him.
Priest or no priest, you can't let him get away with this.
Can't say I agree.
Sanctuary is the padre's bailiwick.
Well, that concludes our services this morning.
See you next Sunday.
- Father, what's going on? - Everything will be straightened out.
- Nothing to worry about.
- Love the wheelbarrow story, Father.
- How'd he do it? - Perseverance, my son.
Perseverance.
That private is mine, Colonel and unless you've got a manual that says this mess tent isn't a mess tent - I'm taking him with me.
- Lieutenant there's a legal hair to be split here.
I don't think you or I are qualified to make any decisions.
- Then who is? - I'm gonna call the Judge Advocate General's office and see if their legal beagles can't give us an answer.
In the meanwhile, everybody just sits tight.
You want a phone call, you're the colonel.
We'll be right outside.
It's good we got lawyers and judges that keep this war on the up-and-up.
You boys knew Gillis was AWOL last night.
I don't like getting bad news late.
Now, Colonel, that's not exactly the way Save it for the roses, Hunnicutt.
Admit it.
You assumed that if yours truly knew about that boy's situation I'd do something foolish like what's supposed to be done.
Well, I guess we did figure what you didn't know wouldn't hurt him.
How am I gonna teach you two vigilantes to take those captains bars seriously? If I busted ya to privates, you'd think of it as a promotion.
I'm sorry, Colonel, and I'm sure future Private Pierce feels the same.
I'm gonna go to my office and call the J.
A.
G and you boys are going somewhere too anywhere but here.
Oh, thank you, Derek.
I'll see you next Sunday.
Goldman, what are you doing? We're getting this place ready for the brunch.
Real eggs, Father.
Leave everything exactly the way it is.
- But, Father, real eggs.
- Goldman.
Well, Private, as long as we're going to be spending some time together why don't we get acquainted? I'm Father Mulcahy.
Aha! Margaret, come here.
Allow the delicate fragrance of frying kippers - to embrace your olfactory organ.
- Leave my organs out of this.
And do something about that awful stench! The tragedy of a palate that's had only an elementary education.
How am I supposed to soft-boil eggs if the water won't boil? I'm a surgeon, I'm not a Hindu philosopher.
- What gives? - Major Winchester tells me you won't prepare our eggs to order, so we're stepping in.
What you're stepping in is my kitchen.
Step out! Listen, you crowned prince of Ptomainia.
I outrank you by five promotions and at least 80 I.
Q.
Points.
Smart people don't scare me.
Now, will you kindly take your I.
Q What stinks? A question you should never ask when in the vicinity of yourself.
- Hey, that's burnin'! - Ooh! No! Oh, no! No, no.
Don't! Imbecile! How dare you pour water on imported Norwegian kippers! It won't hurt 'em.
They're fish, ain't they? Now, you can see why I have to get home, can't ya, Father? Huh? I can see why you're upset but going AWOL? Why do you keep tellin' me what I'm doin' is wrong? What about what she did? Nick, there's no doubt that what Gloria did was wrong.
- Sometimes when people are lonely, they - Lonely? She'd better have a better answer than that.
I'm lonely.
I know.
Perhaps, I could arrange an emergency leave for you.
- Perhaps? - Nick! There are certain realities here.
Now, being AWOL is bad enough, but in 30 days, AWOL becomes desertion.
Don't try to scare me.
If you wanna help me, you'll get me home.
Come with me.
You boys stay right there.
You're not gonna let them come in here, are ya, Father? No, not in here.
Bad news, Padre.
The J.
A.
G.
Says "no" to sanctuary.
- Sorry, son.
- Well, Private, I guess services are over.
- I'm not going back! - You don't have to.
I'm afraid I can't accept the Judge Advocate General's decision.
I don't see where you have any choice, Padre.
The fella I talked to is a crackerjack military lawyer.
Colonel, I don't feel bound by military law in this matter but, rather, by sacred principles.
The only person I'd answer to is the command chaplain at "I" Corps.
Until I hear from him to the contrary Private Gillis will remain in sanctuary here.
Colonel, this is a crock.
Are you gonna let this mess-tent monk run your camp? Watch your mouth, Lieutenant.
I've known this man long enough to give him the benefit of a couple hundred doubts.
He's not about to take a stand unless he feels it pretty deep.
So, let's make a call to the command chaplain.
You're makin' it tough for me, Gillis, but nothin' like I'm gonna make it for you.
- Anything new with Gillis, Colonel? - Not yet.
- Hey, Colonel, when's the brunch? - We want our eggs! What's goin' on here? What's happening? That kid's in bad enough shape already.
The last thing we need is a bunch of angry rubberneckers closing in on an angry kid, so I'm putting you two in charge of crowd control.
Hey, hey, hey! - Take it easy on me.
I'm a veteran.
- Folks, Father Mulcahy needs the Mess Tent for a little while.
- When he's done, they'll start cookin' the eggs.
- If nobody's cooking eggs then what's that I smell? - It does smell like eggs.
- As far as we know, that is an unauthorized smell.
Ridiculous.
Now, look, look.
There's an infantryman in there who's had a rough time.
Father Mulcahy's tryin' to talk him through it.
Things are tough all over, Doc.
- We got promised eggs, we're gonna get 'em.
- Yeah! I'll go check this out.
I'm leaving you Captain Hunnicutt as a hostage.
I'm sure there's a very simple explanation to all of this.
- Stall 'em, big guy.
- What's the story? Come on.
! Okay, so how many of you are from out of town? Ridiculous.
- Pernelli, what are you cooking? - Venison.
We're not ready for the eggs yet.
Not ready? What do you want, hors d'oeuvres? - We want eggs.
! - I don't make dips.
- Who told you to cook the eggs now? - Correct me if I'm wrong brunch comes between breakfast and lunch Hence, the name.
Hey! Hurry up, will ya? These people either want eggs or answers.
- Do I serve them or do I not? - No, not yet.
What are you doin: Hoggin'them for yourself? Yeah.
! Come on.
! Don't go anywhere.
Just sit on those eggs for awhile.
What am I, a chicken? What's goin' on? I've been thinkin', it isn't often we all get a chance to get together so, we ought to take advantage of it.
Anybody got any gripes? Now we'll get some answers.
Hawk, I think you ought to know, we're going to die.
Never say "die," and, certainly, never say "we.
" Uh, hey, everybody, I got great news for you.
- What's he talking about? - What's going on here, Pierce? I'm glad you asked, because I was just about to announce we're not going to have an ordinary eggs brunch.
Fresh eggs call for fresh air.
We're gonna have a picnic! A picnic! Are you crazy? In this dust bowl? - We can't get an ant to show up.
- You tell 'em.
Hey-ho, everybody! Go get your mess kits and report right back here on the double.
We're dining in the Great Outdoors! I must say, that sounds rather appealing.
- Eggs al fresco.
- A picnic sounds sexy when you say it in French.
- That's Italian.
- That's even better.
Excusing your pardons, Captains.
- You two want a picnic? Fine.
- Yeah.
- You serve it.
- What? - I don't deliver.
- Oh.
Surely, you must realize, Nick, that even if the command chaplain supports us you can't stay here forever.
Stop pushin' me, Father.
I'm not goin' back.
The consequences of your actions will affect the rest of your life.
What do I care about the rest of my life? It's not worth anything now.
No human life is worthless especially a young man like yourself with so much of it left to live! The person I planned to live it with has stuck a knife in me.
Don't you understand that? - I called the command chaplain.
- And? He says that since this is not a permanent structure the Mess Tent cannot be considered a church.
I'm afraid it this case, two strikes is out.
But this is as permanent a structure as we have.
- God doesn't issue building permits.
- Sorry, Padre.
So am I.
I'm not going to let them take this boy.
Father, you're tryin' to play one too many cards.
Take him out of there.
- Everybody get down.
! - Move away, Father.
- I'm getting out of here.
- How dare you? You seek refuge in this house, the Lord, when it serves your purpose.
Then, when it's no longer convenient you desecrate it by pointing a deadly weapon at another human being.
Private, a faith of convenience is a hollow faith.
I'm warning you, Father.
I'm goin'.
- Give me the gun.
- No! Stay away from me.
- Just stay away.
- I want you to hand me that rifle.
No! Oh, I'm sorry, Father.
I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- I know.
I know.
I gotta hand it to you, Father.
You've got ice water in your veins.
I may have appeared calm on the outside, Captain but I can assure you, my stomach was quaking in its boots.
Great news, boys.
Gillis isn't goin' right back to his unit.
The J.
A.
G.
Has approved a stop-off at the evac hospital.
- Sidney Freedman's gonna give him a look-see.
- Good.
He's got the best couch in Korea.
It's comforting to know he's going to be treated as a casualty rather than a criminal.
- You said it.
- You know, this omelet isn't bad.
Though with all the bologna and onion and cheese, it's difficult to taste the eggs.
It's better that way, Father.
They're powdered.