The Goldbergs s10e13 Episode Script

1
Back in the '80s, Beverly Goldberg
was a certified super mom.
Kissy monster attack!
She raised three kids
with a parenting style
that was uniquely her own.
Mom!
But now my sister had a baby.
And it was Erica's turn
to do her mom thing.
Man, this girl is cranky.
What's your deal, baby?
I know you don't have
words, but tell me!
Oh, that's my rock.
Always cool under pressure.
Sorry, it's just really frustrating
not being able to calm her.
Let's just call the pediatrician,
or that Army doctor that
watches the president.
Relax. The only healer
you need is Dr. Bev.
Mom, go back to making
an impossibly heavy lunch.
My 12-bean chili can wait.
12? Isn't that just all the beans?
Don't engage her.
- Mom, we got this.
- Do you?
What if she has diaper rash,
or cradle cap, or cooties,
or Pac-Man fever?
I'm pretty sure some
of those are made up
and one is a song?
Just let me use my sure-fire method
of soothing any baby.
Don't say a chicken bone.
A chicken bone nature's pacifier.
I'm not letting my baby
gnaw on a day-old drumstick.
Why is that in your pocket?
You don't ask Shakespeare
why he carries a quill.
Face it, Mom.
Your baby tricks are weird and outdated.
Excuse me, but I have
raised three children
who are all now thriving adults.
Hey, anyone know what day it is?
I have a dental appointment on Friday.
It's Saturday.
Well, my intense jaw pain
will probably go away on its own, right?
Terrible news!
I was playing playground
basketball and lost!
The other guys were cheating
by being taller and fitter!
Oh, Poopie!
Your heart is racing.
I punted their ball into the woods,
but it only settled me down a little.
Well, I have the solution
for both my Schmoos right here.
Barry, this ol' bone should
ease your restless mind.
All my worries are melted away
with the power of chicken.
Wh If Barry gets a bone, I want one.
- Of course you do.
- Mm.
You can't argue with results, Erica.
You've certainly done
a number on these two.
I'm twisted up inside ♪
But nonetheless, I
feel the need to say ♪
I don't know the future ♪
But the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪
It was February 15th, 1980-something.
Barry and I had been sharing
a bedroom as adult brothers.
And this is pretty
much how it was going.
Gah! The hell, Barry?!
Cross at your own risk.
This sliver of space
is now my training dojo.
- Kee-ya!
- There's the entire outside
for you to pretend what you do matters.
'Chuck in nature where
the elements also attack?
Think before you speak.
Turns out, my childhood bedroom
was way too cramped for two grown men.
Why are you blocking my path?
Why are you wearing a towel
- around your nipples like a lady?
- Wow.
And, of course, I had
a serious girlfriend.
Not that Barry cared.
Carmen, I miss your face.
I haven't seen you in
37 excruciating minutes.
The hell, dude?!
The thought of you being
romantic disgusts me.
And if we're being honest, probably her.
But even worse than the small space,
we were both very stubborn.
- Get the lights.
- Already tucked in. You get 'em.
- I got in bed first.
- You're closer.
And now you're closer.
How incredibly petty. I'm impressed.
I will stand here all night.
I know how much you need
your precious darkness.
My jacked eyelids will
be my blackout curtains.
I'll kill you and everyone you know
and some you don't!
You're right by the light switch!
Just hit it and end this!
I'd rather never sleep again.
Fine by me! Good night!
Good night to you, too!
What is going on in here?
I need to move out.
Ideally, to a modern penthouse
with a 360-degree view
and a live-in butler.
But I'll take a slightly
lower level and a sassy maid.
You could stay here and
I'll be your sassy maid.
Fun stuff. Now get on the horn
with the Realtor
and see what's available
near the mayor's mansion.
So, I'm paying for you to leave me?
I'm a medical student.
Well, you're also an adult.
So figure it out on your own.
Yesterday you brushed out my hair
as I was watching "Scooby-Doo!"
You're my little Shaggy, and
you're not going anywhere.
Mwah!
I need to get out of here.
I've never been with you more.
Now turn out the lights!
Never!
Out of funds and options,
Barry went to the JTP,
his best buds, who
would never refuse him.
- No way.
- Pass.
- Sorry, bud.
- But it's me Barry!
The original guy Barry!
We love you, Big Tasty,
but we've got no room.
What about my old room?
The one with all the holes in the wall
from your homemade hunting bow?
You mean the adorable peek-a-boo holes
- I made to the kitchen?
- It's my room now.
No way!
Andy can sleep in a
drawer, or a shoe box,
or whatever box you
use to ship one Skittle.
First, I would be average height
if we lived in Ecuador. And I
think what you just said
highlights the main problem here
you were a crappy roommate.
This is news to me.
You regularly ate our food
even though it was labeled.
I'm a hungry and hilarious wild card
that you root for!
You wore my only suit to go waterskiing.
I brought your pants back.
But do you bring the rent money?
My rent will be paid in sordid tales
of what it was like to live with me
before I was famous.
Think how rich in stories
the poor losers are
who lived with pre
"Miami Vice" Don Johnson.
So, we're the poor
losers in this scenario
and you're Don Johnson?
I didn't hear a no.
- No.
- Big no from me.
[Bleep] no.
As Barry's tale of
woe fell on deaf ears,
my mom was hearing a
different kind of sadness.
I'm sorry, does anyone else
hear a crying baby?
- Sure do.
- Loud and clear.
- Okay, fine. I'll just go and
- Bup-bup!
Geoff and I are gonna
let her cry it out.
- Cry it out?
- According to Dr. Ferber,
Muriel can regulate herself.
Your words are insane!
I'm not gonna let my
baby regulate herself!
My baby.
A very important and too
often repeated distinction.
I need to help my granddaughter.
Muriel, it's Bubbe.
- Let my voice be your blanket.
- Stop it!
- Geoff, pin my mom's arms!
- Muriel!
Can't do it. There
are too many scenarios
- where I end up in a trauma center.
- Alright.
- Grandma's here.
- Gah!
I can't be here right now!
I'm taking the baby to the park.
You did the right thing
by not touching me, Geoff.
You honor me with your fear.
And so, fed up with my mom,
Erica took Muriel for
a change of scenery.
But she got a lot more than that.
Oh, she's adorable!
Oh, thanks!
If you saw her 10 minutes ago,
she sounded like a tiny tornado siren.
This one looks unassuming,
but she's coming off a diaper
that could knock out Ivan Drago.
Muriel has sent me to the canvas
a few times.
- I'm Erica, by the way.
- Lauren.
And this is Hazel.
Oh, you are too cute, Hazel.
Are those baby Jordaches?
We're matching for our daily park walk.
Whoa. You come here every day?
Between naps three and four.
We're pretty drilled into our routine.
I think I've left the
house twice in five months.
Both times to pick up baby wipes.
Once for the kid and once
because my husband ate ribs.
While Erica made a new mom friend,
living with my brother was getting old.
What the
Morning, bro.
Why am I in the hallway?
Your sleeping was bothering me.
Was I snoring or something?
No, I just didn't like
that you were smugly enjoying a dream
and I was stuck in
the lame waking world.
That's funny, because I was
beating you up in my dream.
Impossible. In every realm
I'd dominate you.
You were crying and begging me to stop.
Also, you said you
loved the Dallas Cowboys.
No! Go back to sleep
right now and fix it!
- I'll tuck you in!
- Get off me!
Hello! I heard the chittering
of conversation.
Is your mom here?
She's out speed walking,
which is just what I call walking.
My losing streak continues.
- My Science-a-bration is ruined.
- Your what?
It's my week-long scholastic party
honoring the wonders of science.
And this year, I finally
landed Slim Goodbody.
Noice! Who's that?
Allow me to show you.
Make sure you eat a
rainbow of foods every day.
Yep, before Google,
this guy was how we
learned the human form.
He is a hero of the edu-tainment world.
And he was all mine.
Until he bailed for
his niece's bat mitzvah
in Ann Arbor.
I guess family is more
important than $1,000.
Dollars. I heard dollars.
All for prancing around
in his veiny underwear?
Plus lodging, travel,
and for some reason, 500 red M&M's.
That's enough cash for a down payment
on an apartment!
- We're in!
- We?
- In what?
- Think about it.
Who's crushing medical school right now,
a place where they educate people
about the human body?
Weirdly, you.
And who famously brings
light entertainment
to the school stage?
- Me.
- See?
I'm the "edu" you're the "tainment."
If it'll get you out of my room, I'm in!
- Let's edu-tain some kids!
- Yes!
History would tell me to say no,
but I need to trust my leaky gut. Deal.
As Barry concocted a
plan to find his way
out of the house
my sister's new
friend was dropping in.
I brought wine for our coffee cups!
Oh, my God, stop. Come in!
Hi there!
I'm the mom behind the
mom Beverly Goldberg.
This is Lauren. And that's Geoff.
Grandiose gobs of greetings.
- Don't.
- Save the gold, got it.
You two are famous.
Erica's my new best friend,
which makes our babies best friends.
Oh, I'll always be Erica and Muriel's
first and only best friend,
but that's a fun way to say
something totally untrue.
Okay, we should skedaddle.
Geoff, can you feed the baby?
Already handled by Mama Supreme.
Milk and formula, just like you said.
Then I sprinkled in some
cereal to sweeten it up.
- Wazdatnow?
- Wait, you gave a little baby cereal?
Just Boo Berry.
I shook the bottle
to make the milk blue.
She gobbled it right up. Yum-yum!
Cereal's a choking hazard.
Please! Yesterday I was making
shrimp parm,
and I gave Muriel a prawn to gnaw on.
- She loved it.
- What if she has a shellfish allergy?
Yeah, what if my
daughter has a shellfish allergy?
Can you imagine?
- Ah!
- Yikes.
You know, it's none of my business,
but I am noticing
the exposed outlets right there.
You might want to
consider baby-proofing.
Oh, in this house we don't baby-proof.
We Bubbe-proof.
Which means that Bubbe, me,
never takes her eyes
off the baby, she, ever.
C'mon, Erica. It's not her fault.
She's just from a different time.
Byeee!
Well, who the [bleep] [bleep]
[bleep] does she think she is?
Um, Erica's new friend?
I'm Erica's friend.
Maybe this one time,
you should just go with the flow?
Go with the flow.
Yeah.
That's me. That's me.
I'm gonna choose to take
your icy and distant stare
as thoughtful reflection.
Yay! We're all good people here!
Nobody believed that.
Barry needed money bad.
So he hoped a gig in edu-tainment
would help him close the deal.
Congrats!
You have been handpicked
to be a test audience
for a new show about the human body.
- Handpicked.
- I was forced here.
This isn't a lasagna tasting?
And now we present to
you "Organs 'n' Friends."
Ow!
Howdy! Hearty Marty here!
And I'm Olivia Liver!
As your heart,
I move blood throughout
your whooole body!
And, man, does that get me pumped!
It's 'cause hearts pump.
That's great.
Halt the show!
JTP, thoughts so far?
- Adorable!
- I want a liver for my niece!
I'm invested and crave more!
Exactly. You guys all hate it, too.
I mean, look at this pathetic puppet.
Hearts don't have eyes.
You were looking for a realistic heart?
And the lady liver has a nose.
Does she smell or
regulate chemical levels
and excrete bile?
Is that a science question?
Because I don't even know
where the sun goes at night.
You should probably know that.
And where is the song
about the toe fungus,
or the cluster migraine,
or the monologue
by a charred lung of a lifelong smoker?
Do kids even need to know that stuff?
- Do I?
- Isn't this just about getting your money
so you can move out?
As an almost doctor,
I demand perfection.
Throw it all out. Start all over.
I'm gonna do the only reasonable thing.
- Everything I ask?
- I quit!
Me, too!
Fine! Good edu-tainment
doesn't need the "tainment"
just the "edu". That's right.
William Penn students
are about to get educated.
That's just school.
I don't think he gets it.
I am so happy he doesn't live with us.
Barry was learning a hard
lesson in edu-tainment.
My mom would soon learn
that going with the flow wasn't so easy.
Thanks for helping me
carry in my groceries.
Oh, the pleasure is mine.
That's a lie.
I have a pinched nerve in my back,
and I shouldn't be carrying
these or anything else.
Well, let me give you a tranquilizer
my doctor said I didn't need,
but that I demanded anyway.
Well, that's strange.
Allow me. I have a sturdy
core from my days
of baton twirling.
Right behind you.
Tricky pistachio! How
did you get that open?
Don't freak out, but Erica hired
a baby-proofing guy.
Our house had been covered
padded, gated, and locked.
And there was only one person to blame.
That new mom friend.
I forget her name.
- Lauren.
- Lauren.
Oh, good, you're home.
Look, I know you said no, but
the guys at Boo Boo Busters
did an amazing job making
this a safe environment.
In that moment, my mom
could either go nuclear
or take Geoff's advice
to go with the flow.
Agreed. I love it.
- Please thank Lauren for me.
- For real?
I'm just surprised because it felt like
you guys did not hit it off.
Well, she really seems to know
what she's talking about.
She's a total pro.
Maybe she could even help pry you
out of the baby Stone Age.
May-be.
I'm gonna get the baby ready
for her music class at Lauren's.
Ta!
You're going to that baby
music class, aren't you?
It's time I showed her little mama pal
who knows more about parenting.
As my mom prepared for a takedown,
Barry was studying the master.
I just need a fresh new
idea that visually depicts
the inner workings of the human body.
- Like something where you show the organs?
- Yes.
- And put them on your person?
- You're getting it.
And then, you dance around and sing?
All those things!
Isn't that just Slim
Goodbody's whole act?
Yes! I'll just do what he does.
But that was easier said than done.
This has, like, 200 bones.
The human body has 206! Next.
Too simple.
What was I thinking?
- No one reads.
- We can read that.
Yeah, I can read it fine,
to be honest with
- you. I mean,
- I I read I read all the time.
Yes!
- Ohh!
- Ohh!
This is the one.
Uh, Bar, it's a little, um, revealing.
Oh, no!
Yeah, looked like my bro had to give up.
That is, until
Stop!
I just had a very meaty idea.
Is it that you're gonna
make a suit outta cold cuts?
To the local meatery!
With that, Barry had
a new beat on his act.
Meanwhile, Erica's music
class had just begun.
And we're hearing the glockenspiel.
Figured this would be more of a
a clap your macaroni shaker
type of deal.
Ms. Lizzy has a PhD
in musicology and child development.
She's also a loon, so
don't make eye contact.
- Sorry I'm late!
- Mom?
And sorry to the white Mercedes
I love-tapped backing in.
Oh, that was me.
I'm sure it'll buff out.
Now, why don't we try a
collective choral experience?
Um, how about "Old MacDonald"?
Unfortunately, "Old MacDonald"
is not on our approved song list.
Yeah, see, the goal is
to create an environment
free of negativity and judgment.
And "Old MacDonald" is a horrid tale
of animal imprisonment.
Old MacDonald treated all of his animals
- with dignity and respect.
- Mm.
Then, he eats them, so
Let's not forget the number one rule
we laid out in the beginning of class
If we say it, we can sing it ♪
Say what now?
You must sing everything ♪
Use your mouth ♪
Fine, then, I will sing my thoughts ♪
I'd prefer if you did not ♪
It's okay ♪
Let's hear what backwards nonsense ♪
She has to say ♪
The only backwards thing here is you ♪
And also Ms. Lizzy's attitude ♪
towards deodorant.
Okay, time out on the scary singing.
Yeah, she's ruining my class.
Shove your music class
and your baby-proofing.
You've been a mom for five minutes.
You don't know crap.
- Come on, Erica.
- No.
Mom, did you ever think
that maybe you don't have
all the answers about parenting?
I've raised three children.
I think I know plenty.
Maybe you weren't as good
of a mom as you thought.
Here's your side-view mirror.
The Science-a-bration was falling flat.
And Mr. Glascott hoped
that Barry could pick it up.
What an inspired performance
by the dancing molar!
Be better, Alan.
I can't believe I
agreed to come to this.
I'm just here to see what
Barry brings to the table
namely, a meat suit.
Meat suit?
That's all the context you need.
Last up, we couldn't get
the real Slim Goodbody,
so, parents and students,
please welcome
Barry Insides.
Ohhhh, no. Whoo!
Oh, yes.
Instead of a perfectly good puppet show,
my brother stapled a bunch of lunch meat
to his body.
Oh, that is pungent and horrifying.
And is that your family dog behind you?
Lucky followed me here. Just ignore her.
Hi, kids and parents!
It's me Barry Insides!
I'm here to give you a graphic look
at the insides of all our bodies.
It wasn't educational or entertaining.
He just turned the kids off science
and deli meats forever.
Check out my hyper-realistic
lower intestines!
I think this is going really good.
Who wants to come up here
and feel how wet and
squishy my bladder is?
No, girl.
Okay. You know what?
Uh, let's just move on to refreshments.
Yep, only Lucky was eating
up Barry's performance.
Meanwhile, Erica had to apologize
for the scene my mom made.
Erica, hi.
Look, I feel so bad about
- Is everything okay?
- Totally.
Just, you know, hour six
of a screaming, crying fit.
Oh, I can come back.
No, no, it's fine. Everything's fine.
Just, um, like Dr. Ferber said,
baby's gotta learn to self-soothe.
Oh, my gosh, it's so hard!
She sleeps when she should eat.
She eats when she should nap.
And if she doesn't
nap, then I don't sleep.
And I'm so desperate!
I can't believe I'm suggesting this,
but there is one thing you could try.
Chicken bone. Who knew?
I learned it from my mom.
Of course you did.
I don't know how she did it.
Did what?
Raise three kids.
I mean, one's impossible.
I thought you had it all figured out.
The truth is, I'm completely lost.
Being a mother is so hard.
Yeah, for all mothers, I guess.
When your child is being
stubborn and difficult,
it is a pain like no other.
Dammit.
I'm starting to see that now.
Why can't our daughters just understand
that we're trying to help them
and make their lives easier, you know?
One day, I think they will.
Sucks about the show
and that we're still stuck doing this.
I don't wanna talk about it.
How did an adult man
dressing in a meat costume
go so wrong?
What's so funny?
Glascott's face when he saw
all that disturbing meat.
I put kielbasa on my body.
Man, Lucky really went to town on you.
I know.
Yep, it was the kind of laugh
you could only share
with someone so close.
The kind that, to this day,
can still bring us to tears.
Ooh, you make me live ♪
- Hey, Ad?
- Oh.
We got our whole lives
to live on our own.
Maybe sharing this room
isn't the worst thing ever.
Yeah. We've got it pretty good.
I really love you ♪
Good night, pal.
Oh, you're my best friend ♪
Same to you.
Sometimes all it takes
to patch things up
is to lighten up.
But then again, taking back our words
doesn't always come easily.
Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
What was that for?
Mom I'm so sorry for what I said
and for every time
that I pushed you away
or called you out of touch.
So all my parenting tricks
don't make you upset?
Oh, they do.
But they also make me
the luckiest daughter
and mom ever.
Oh, you're my best friend ♪
Moms need other moms.
They really do.
Ooh, you make me live ♪
When you're so close
to the people you love,
it's hard to see the bigger picture.
The one that only comes into focus
when you spend so much time together.
Yeah.
I'm happy at home ♪
And we're the luckiest
when we get to do it all
You're my best friend ♪
over and over again.
- Get it while it's hot!
- Whoa!
Big Tasty, a barbecue feast just for us?
You know it!
These ribs fall right off the bone.
Yeah, they do!
Mnh. Got something stuck in my teeth.
Is that a clothing label?
I I got something, too.
It's a button.
Barry, why is it a button?
Oopsy-doopsy.
Is all this from your meat suit?
Of course it is!
But you wore these meats out in the sun,
not to mention your filthy car!
- Can I move in now?
- Never!
Lucky had the right idea
going for the sausage.