Robot Chicken s10e14 Episode Script

1 [Music.]
[Thunder crashes.]
[Cackling.]
[Theme music.]
[Whirring.]
[Music.]
Man: It's alive! [Thunder rumbles.]
[Music.]
[Thunder crashes.]
[Music.]
[Suspenseful music.]
- [Dinosaur growling.]
- Shh, shh.
[Whispering.]
I think it's a Velociraptor.
No.
It's a Veloci-rapper! One, two, one, two, look who's coming through Veloci-rapper, so what you wanna do? Oh, snap, I just seen a little boy So it's time to attack, bust a rap, and destroy You could run, but I'll follow you I'll chew you up and swallow you And if there's more people Then I'm-a eat up all of you I'm from a park called Jurassic My rhymes are classic I'll wrap you with plastic, douse you with gas And toss a matchstick Guarantee once I find you, you'll be in my submission And if you think I'll let you live Then, boy, you must be wishing [Horn blowing.]
Yeah, Jurassic Park all day! West side raptor! - Mother - World star! Meteors.
We out.
Tim, get up! You got to wake up! Dr.
Grant, the dinosaur didn't even touch him.
Ah, the Veloci-rapper simply shreds all of its victims with dope lyrics.
Sorry for your loss, homes.
- [Music.]
- [Audiencce cheering.]
Harry, how can you be so relaxed? Snape's potion test is tomorrow! - Oh, because I'm the chosen one.
- [Cheering.]
Nobody said I'm the "chosen as long as - he gets good grades" one, eh? - [Laughter.]
And the chosen one's friends should be exempt - from exams, too.
- Will you be quiet? I need to be well-rested for our big potions test tomorrow.
Why don't you just write the answers on the back of those cucumbers? Nobody's doing anything gay in here, are they? Because that would be okay with me.
Oh, Dumbledore.
[Up-tempo music.]
Come on to Hogwarts Learn a charm that is new Where the spells are a curse or a hex or jinx At Harry's wizardry school - [Screaming.]
- [Dramatic music.]
Can anyone play goalie? [Grunts.]
You! New guy.
You're up! [Up-tempo rock music.]
Yeah, new guy is the balls! [Buzzer.]
- Yeah! - Yeah! Together: Boo! [Crowd cheering.]
[Cheers and applause.]
Aah! [Cheers and applause continues.]
Crowd: [Chanting.]
Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! [Crowd cheers.]
New guy! New guy! New Ah, can anyone play goalie? [Whimpers.]
Can you describe the attackers? Well, they were these giant humanlike turtles that were doing all kinds of karate, and I don't know.
They Maybe they were teenagers or something.
- They had weapons.
Ninja weapons.
- Anything else? They smelled like pizza, and they said "Dude" a lot.
Oh, dude, they had this rat with them! I don't know if he was their pet or, like, their master or whatever, but, like, they had something going on.
I don't know.
I'm just speculating.
- Did you get a look at their faces? - No, Officer.
I didn't see it.
They had these colorful little masks over their eyes, so I'm like, "What do they look like, man?" I don't even know.
Without the faces, we've got nothing! [Groans.]
Come on, Abe.
Show us what's under that hat.
We want to see why it's so tall.
I wanted a tall hat.
That's it, honestly.
No one needs a hat that tall.
What are you hiding under there, freak?! I'm not hiding anything! Now, if you'll excuse me Not so fast, Abe! Rip! [Stammering.]
- Aah! - Aah! [Guns cock.]
[Gunshots.]
[Music.]
You must not let this happen again.
Yes, my lord.
[Music.]
A girl is ready to join the game of thrones.
- She must choose a face.
- That one.
Perhaps a girl would like a face more like this? - No.
I want that one! - [Sighs.]
[Music.]
[Beeping.]
[Whirring.]
[Whirring continues.]
[Whirring.]
Ugh.
No.
Not this one.
A girl wanted the one next to it! [Sighs.]
[Whirring.]
[Whirring continues.]
[Straining.]
[Grunts.]
Come on.
Man really needs to rethink the design of this place.
- [Up-tempo music.]
- [Cheering.]
Gritty: Every mascot has their own truth.
[Cheers and applause.]
I just danced my heart out to "Whoomp! (There It Is)"! What more do you want from me?! Real mascots are racist caricatures and animals like Hunter, not fuzzy blobs like you.
I was the best mascot in the world at one time.
Now I can't stand the face I see when I look in the mirror.
They don't care.
No one cares.
I wasn't a perfect purebred mascot like the others.
Not me.
[Thud.]
Did you just hit me in the knee with a crowbar? Couldn't feel anything.
Thick padding.
I, uh No! Ha! Huh! - Ha! Huh! - Why?! [Crying.]
Why?! - You always hated Hunter, didn't you? - I didn't do it.
But we all watched it on the JumboTron, didn't we? That could've been anyone! America, they want something to love.
You never loved me.
You tortured me into greatness.
That's how I love, stupid! But they also want a gigantic orange nightmare creature.
Showtime! I'm Gritty.
Thank you so much for hiring me as your assistant, Nostradamus.
What can I do for you? Please, go to the market and fetch me some ink for my quill.
- Yes, sir - God damn it! You're gonna buy brown ink! I wanted black! I'm sorry I yelled.
I've just got a lot of prophecies to write, and I'm stressed.
Sir, I understand.
Why don't you go to the kitchen and fetch me some hot, relaxing tea? - As you wish.
- Aah! You're gonna spill it on my lap and burn my dick.
- Oh, my goodness! I'm so sorry! - It's fine.
I'm just a little sensitive about my dick.
- Understood.
Can I - You're gonna fuck my wife! Aah! Oh.
What?! I would never.
Yeah, you will, right there on that couch and behind that door.
That's where I'll watch.
- Wait.
You'll watch? - Yeah.
I'll enjoy watching for reasons I won't understand, and then, one day, I'll open the door, try to join in.
You'll be cool.
She'll get upset, call it off.
Humiliated, I slash both of your throats and hang my nude body above your corpses right here.
I'm going to leave now.
- Wait! - What? - Okay, now go.
- Okay, bye.
Aah! - "Buy Apple stock.
" - [Silent groan.]
[Crowd cheering.]
Another great show, Jonas Brothers.
Let's celebrate with some light hugging with some girls! But what about our purity rings? [Laughter.]
- What are purity rings? - High five.
Sexy boys, come with me.
Something terrible has happened.
- Ooh, it's kind of dark.
- Whoa! Boys, the United States needs your help.
America needs the Jonas Brothers? You're not the Jonas Brothers.
You're actually the Jonas clones.
- Aah! - Gasp! Years ago, the government was alerted to the existence of a teen heartthrob who was far too heartthrob-y.
His looks were killer.
His music was boppin'.
And his hair was floppy.
He was called Jonas.
- Like us! - Quiet! You are horse shit compared to him.
He could blow a kiss at a fan, and their G.
D.
vagina would explode! Their heterosexual fathers needed to give him a BJ.
And to restore world order, the government had to step in - and take Jonas captive.
- Nooooo! We experimented on his genes to study the limits of his allure, but there were no limits! We couldn't study Jonas directly, so we created clones of him.
We spliced in some frog DNA to limit his allure.
I had recently watched "Jurassic Park," and that's how you three were born.
- But we're not clones.
- Oh, no? - Simply this.
And there.
Hm.
- Aah! Wait! Which one am I?! Kevin? Nick? Jack? There is no Jack Jonas.
Both: There isn't? I thought I was Jack! - No! - Aah! And the final piece of evidence.
Here.
[Muffled.]
Why tell us now? And do you have more flies? Today, Jonas Prime escaped.
We need your help to track him down.
[Metal clangs.]
No! He's He's still here! - Ohh! - Oh! So much allure.
[Music.]
Thanks for tracking down my clothes for me, fools.
Now leave us.
[Ting!.]
- He winked at us! - I'm blushing! I'm blushing to death! [Splat.]
Now, my clones, together, we shall rule the world! Being a Jonas isn't about ruling humanity.
It's about loving your fans, playing great music, and being told to wear purity rings until you get old enough that it's weird to wear purity rings.
Aw, come on, babe.
You can't resist.
We're the same.
Oh, are we? Ribbit motherfucker! [Frogs croaking.]
What are you doing? No! S.
O.
S.
! S.
O.
S.
! [Whistle!.]
[Explosion.]
Oh! We did it! - Hooray! - Murder! Now can we lock down whether I'm Kevin or Nick? [Laughter.]
Together: Huh?! Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk - Ba-gawk! - Bawk.
[Dramatic music.]
[Gunshot.]
- [Screaming audience.]
- Yeah! What the [bleep.]
? [Gunshots.]