Will and Grace s10e14 Episode Script
Supreme Courtship
1 "Will & Grace" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
[laughing.]
You won't believe this.
Uh, happy Valentine's Day to you too.
No, I loved that text.
You look so good in those jeans.
[chuckles.]
Okay, bye.
- Your mom? - No.
It was McCoy.
And he sent you flowers? Oh, no, those are from my mom.
Oh.
Okay, okay, buckle up.
Noah is Sylvia De La Croix.
What? You're kidding me.
That is completely blowing But I don't know who that is.
What? No, no, no, she's the writer of those trashy romance novels, "The Bodice Chronicles".
He's her.
Noah is Sylvia.
- Noah writes romance novels? - Yeah.
He's the least romantic person in the world.
Oh, I know.
He wants to spend Valentine's Day getting his dog's anal glands expressed.
[cell phone dings and buzzes.]
- [elevator bell dings.]
- Oh oh, that's the elevator.
That's him.
Okay, do not say anything.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Hey, buddy.
You told him.
Look, I'm not proud of it, okay? But it pays the bills, so can we please just keep this between the three of us? Sylvia De La Croix, as I live and breathe.
Well, I texted him before I knew I wasn't allowed to tell anyone.
Okay, great, your little group knows, but can we please just keep it between the four of us? She burst into the decrepit flophouse, one bosom heaving in anticipation, the other frozen in disbelief.
I had to.
You're her favorite author.
Karen, I wouldn't have pegged you as a fan of romance novels or of reading.
I've always seen myself in the character of Aurora.
Well, I actually just finished writing the final book.
[glass shatters.]
Huh? Wha kwah? What do you mean? I'm done being part of the romantic-industrial complex, exploiting people's loneliness for profit.
It's why I hate Valentine's Day.
Oh, Valentine's Day is the worst.
What? You love Valen [gibbering.]
I'm killing her off.
[glass shatters.]
Where did you get another martini glass? It's my spare.
[upbeat trumpet and piano music.]
You don't really need the tracksuits to know what team you play on.
Go ask him.
Say, Will, Jack is working tomorrow, and I know McCoy is out of town, but I have two tickets to see the guys from "Queer Eye" doing "The Vagina Monologues," if you would like to go.
I can't, I'm sorry busy.
Will would have loved to, yeah, but he's got a funeral.
His aunt just died, you know, the one he's named after, because they're both overweight spinsters.
Toodles.
Could you for once be a human being? What? You just invented my Aunt William and then murdered her.
I had to.
You hurt the feelings of my male fiancé, my "Boy-oncé," if you will.
I guess that makes you "Gay-Z.
" Sorry, it was there.
Look, I don't wanna go.
Well, of course you don't, because that would require you to make an effort.
As it is, he already thinks you're standoffish and aloof.
His words, not mine.
He also thinks you're a cold bitch.
My words, not his.
Jack, do us both a favor and don't do that thing that you're doing right now.
Oh oh, what am I doing right now? Being a screeching drama queen.
[screeching.]
Why must you push my buttons? Jack, just just let my relationship with Estefan evolve organically, okay? Don't try to control it.
Don't come with up schemes.
Don't tell lies.
Just let it be.
Well, I'll let it be if you promise to make an effort with Estefan.
I will make an effort with Estefan if you promise to let it be.
- Fine.
- Fine.
Hey hug? Sure.
I don't hug screeching drama queens.
[screeching.]
You're a fat monster! Thanks again for coming in to sign my books, Grace's Boyfriend.
You can call me Noah.
This will be much easier if I don't know your real name.
What will be easier? Nothing.
Here are the books.
Now, is there anything I can do or say or make Grace do sexually to get you to not kill Aurora? It's already done.
I just have to add a few more "probing tongues" and "throbbing manhoods" and send in the final manuscript tonight, then wait for my Pulitzer.
So you haven't sent it in yet.
Then there is still time.
- Time for what? - [gun cocking.]
What the hell are you doing? Aurora lives, or the laptop gets it.
Taxi! Taxi! Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
That's my cab, lady, sorry.
[grunts.]
Getting my boyfriend a gift.
[camera clicking.]
Not a Valentine's Day gift.
My boyfriend doesn't believe in that.
And neither do I, I guess.
Where you headed? I don't know.
Things are good, but we're just taking it one day at a time.
I meant where am I taking you to? Oh, uh, 15th and Madison.
I'm getting him an antique pen 'cause he's a writer.
Oh, but he's good-looking.
I don't know what you were picturing when I said "writer.
" [cell phone ringtone playing.]
Hey.
Hey, did you hear what happened? Someone just attacked Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
- It's all over Twitter.
- Oh, my God, is she okay? - Twitter doesn't know.
- This is awful.
God, who did this? Oh, please don't be someone Jewish.
No.
No, some woman on Riverside Drive knocked her over, hopped in a cab.
Wow, fleeing the scene? What a piece of sh Did you say Riverside Drive? Yeah.
I'll tell ya, when they find this woman, she won't be able to show her face anywhere in this city.
Did they say what she looks like? No, they I don't know, just that she was wearing a beret and eating a salad.
Hurry up, Jack.
Hello, William.
How's it going? It goes.
It is also hanging well.
Um, awful what happened to Ruth Bader Ginsburg, huh? Yes, you know, I had her on a flight back from Brazil.
She was very tiny.
She could be her own carry-on and then fly for free.
[laughs.]
But that would have been in violation of international law.
Okay.
Hey, you know, Estefan, just so you know, I really do wanna spend some time with you.
- Oh.
- You know, get to know each other.
Mm.
Hello, tricep.
[both laugh.]
Okay, hush puppy, let's go to brunch.
Something strange just happened.
Will was very sweet to me.
He touched my tricep.
I'm guessing the right one? That's the good one.
Because it's the one I use to point to the exits.
Did you tell him to be nice to me? Because I specifically asked you not to do that.
That would be humiliating.
Uh In my village, there is a clown who performs in the square.
People pretend to like Bobo, but everybody laughs at him behind his back, which is the worst possible thing for a clown.
Don't make me the clown in the square.
Oh, Estefan, I I did nothing wrong.
Well, then there is only one possibility.
We were alone together so he could show his true feelings.
I think Will has a crush on me.
That's ridiculous.
Will doesn't have a crush on you.
You're not a woman with no boundaries.
Well, it's either that, or you lied to me.
Oh, my God, Will has a crush on you.
Still no update on Ruth Bader Ginsburg, but onlookers describe her assailant as a red-haired woman in her mid-60s.
- What? - [elevator bell dings.]
[scoffs.]
Mrs.
Timmer, can I help you? I know it was you.
I don't know what you mean.
I know it was you.
I didn't mean to do it.
It's just that I haven't had a boyfriend on Valentine's Day for so long, and I just wanted to get him something.
But in my defense, I had no idea that it was Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
I thought I was just pushing down a frail old woman.
Wait, you're the one who pushed down Ruth Bader Ginsburg? Yeah, you said you knew that.
No, I know you're the one who stole my Fresh Direct salad from the lobby.
That was your crime.
You better go to her, admit what you did, and beg that tiny national treasure for forgiveness.
You're right.
Okay.
But you won't tell anybody in the building, right? Because they would hate me.
They're not so crazy about you now.
I hear things.
I say things too.
Please, please.
That's the only copy of my manuscript, okay? If you shoot my laptop, there may never, ever be a final book.
Oh, I never thought of that.
But you can't quit.
You're the greatest romance novelist since Danielle von St.
Lorraine.
Yeah, that's my buddy Steve Metz.
Look, Karen, I appreciate how so very passionate you are about Aurora, but these books take up all of my time, okay? I need to write a real novel again.
A real novel? These are real novels to me! Okay, what do you say we just, uh we we put the gun down and just talk, you know, like we're people without guns? Oh, I didn't even know it was still in my hand.
That's so funny.
Don't worry, it's not even loaded.
[gun clicking.]
- [chuckles.]
- Good to know.
Yeah, I don't like guns.
Yeah, I could tell.
I saw your face.
You were like, "Wah!" [laughs.]
No, honey, this is the one that's loaded.
- See? - [gunshot.]
Wha Okay, what what do you, uh what do you say I just take these guns and, uh and put them in this drawer with all the other guns? What is this place? Listen, can't you just rewrite the ending, let Aurora live? I need her.
We've been through a lot of hard times together, especially this last year.
This is my first Valentine's alone in a very long time.
I think Aurora always finding love gives me hope that I can too.
Karen, these books aren't about love.
Real love is sharing a bathroom and suppressing your rage and putting up with the other person's damage.
All right, this crap's ridiculous and embarrassing.
Being ridiculous and embarrassing is what love is.
It's standing in front of someone with a dumb drugstore balloon and saying, "Here I am, fully exposed.
" And you're afraid of that.
I'm not afraid of love, okay? I'm a little afraid of you.
Oh, yeah? Well, then ask yourself this: why are you here with me instead of being with Grace on Valentine's Day? Besides the ten guns? Because Grace doesn't care about any of that Valentine's stuff.
Oh, come on, she acts that way because she loves you.
But inside, she's as soft and squishy as a bird in a microwave.
Oh, yes, that old saying.
You're blowing Grace off today for the same reason that you're killing Aurora: because embracing romance makes you feel foolish.
Huh, that was actually kind of insightful.
Well, I had a maid who had a master's in psychology from her home country.
Brilliant woman, but her swan napkins were crap, so [blows raspberry.]
Okay, listen to me.
Estefan's right behind me, so no time for questions.
You have a crush on him.
It explains why you've been such an ice queen.
What? I have a crush on him? You'll admit it.
I'll say, "Get over it.
" You'll tearfully promise to change.
Problem solved.
So you actually want me to pretend to be into Estefan? Yes.
Well, then I will pretend to be into Estefan.
Don't know why you're saying it like that, but I appreciate it.
Will, is there something, perhaps, we need to talk about? You know what? There is.
I'm embarrassed to say this in front of Jack, but, um I have feelings for you.
[sighs.]
I always wondered why there was a painting of me on the wall.
Yes, yes, and I and I know there's nothing I can do about it.
I just have to learn to live in a constant state of tortured, unexpressed longing.
Yep, that's pretty sad.
Let's go.
Or is there a way to diffuse the tension, to quench the desire? Uh, there is not.
Jack, this is your best friend.
How do we deal with Will's unfulfilled desire? He'll do what he always does with his unfulfilled desire go to his room and Google pictures of Barack Obama windsurfing.
That won't work this time.
I think the only way to deal with these feelings is for me to share a passionate kiss with Estefan.
For who to kiss how with Este-what? Yes, this makes perfect sense.
Sexual tension will always exist in the prelude to a kiss.
Once you have the kiss [smooches.]
It is gone.
Yes.
It's like when you're at Panda Express and it all smells so good and you just want everything and then after one bite, you never, ever want that taste in your mouth again.
So in order for Will to release me, he must have me in his mouth once.
That's beautifully said.
Um, no bueno, señoritas.
I'm not gonna stand here and watch you two kiss.
You're right.
You're right.
- That would be super inappropriate.
- Exactly.
Let's go to my bedroom, where Jack can't see it and has to fill in the details with his imagination.
If that is the only way to save my marriage.
Stop it! I lied, okay? I lied.
I lied.
Will doesn't have feelings for you.
I did ask him to be nice, and the whole thing blew up.
[sighs.]
You lied to me? Jack, this is exactly what I asked you not to do.
Okay, until further notice, there is going to be a velvet rope in front of my first-class area.
- [sighs.]
- Hey, happy Valentine's Day.
Valentine's Day sucks.
It's a dumb holiday that only leads to sadness and the possible fall of democracy.
I get it.
You're single.
I'm not [scoffs.]
Forget it.
Mount Sinai Hospital.
Going to see Ruth Bader Ginsburg, 'cause I'm a good person, no matter what everyone's saying.
You're certainly better than that piece of crap that knocked her to the ground.
Oh, here's an update.
Going to Justice Ginsburg live now, who's going to give a statement.
Hello, everyone.
I want you to know I'm okay and I'm headed back to D.
C.
Oh, thank God.
And to my so-called assailant, I forgive you.
I've been a New Yorker my whole life, and when it comes to cabs, it's every woman for herself.
I know.
Plus, you were rushing to get a Valentine's Day gift.
I was.
I know what it means to love someone and the crazy things we do sometimes to show it.
I do wanna show him I love him, Ruth.
15th and Madison.
I'm gonna get my boyfriend a Valentine's Day gift, because even if he doesn't believe in romance, I do.
Aw, that's sweet.
And when you say "boyfriend," you really mean "cat," right? No.
Estefan said I should come over and make things right with you, so I was like [mumbling.]
I told him, "You're not the boss of me.
" And then he showed me the wheel, which said this week, he is, in fact, the boss of me.
Please never tell me what else is on that wheel.
I guess this is the part where I say things.
- Yep.
- [sighs.]
Okay.
Can you tell me what they are? I think you know.
[sighs.]
Okay.
I'm a liar and a schemer and a great big drama queen.
And? And you're attractive in certain light.
And? And I know your hair is real.
- And? - I'm not gonna say it.
- Say it.
- [sighs.]
Fine.
I weigh more than you.
This is the worst Valentine's Day ever.
Jack, I just wanted you to admit that you're a liar and a schemer and a big drama queen.
That's the first thing I said.
Yes, but if I'd stopped you, we'd never have gotten to the essential truth that my body's better than yours.
But your enormous lollipop head throws off all your proportions.
You just don't look right.
- Jack.
- What? I promise to make more of an effort to be friends with Estefan.
I love you.
He makes you happy.
Hence I love him.
[chuckles.]
Actually, that's really nice.
Would you write our vows? - I'd be honored.
- Okay.
But you have to tell people I wrote them and get really jealous in front of all the guests because I'm a better writer than you.
"Why can't I be as smart as Jack?" Ha-ha! I've learned nothing! Here it is, the new ending.
Aurora lives.
She seduces Cowboy Nick, who unties her from the nuclear warhead.
It was either that or do something stupid.
Thank you.
And quit using Aurora as an excuse.
You have plenty of time to write important books that no one will read.
I guess.
Yeah, maybe I had been blaming this gig on not writing my second novel.
Mm.
You know, part of me thinks it's bec Ah-bup-bup-bup-bup.
Not your therapist.
Now, quit your yapping and get out of here while it's still Valentine's Day.
That's right.
It's not over yet.
It's not too late.
Who are you, anyway? What do you mean? Are you the crazy woman who holds a gun to my laptop, or are you the sanest woman I've ever met? Oh, honey, can't I just be someone who's bored of this? "As Aurora stepped out onto the ledge, "her dress billowing in the hot Arabian winds, "she felt a calm wash over her.
"And in that moment, she realized "that jumping off that building "wouldn't be half as scary as allowing herself to fall in love.
" [tender music.]
Happy Valentine's Day.
Happy Valentine's Day.
"But the thing that scares you most "will be the thing that sets you free.
"And with a small secret smile, "she stepped back off the ledge and into the arms of her one true love.
"
[laughing.]
You won't believe this.
Uh, happy Valentine's Day to you too.
No, I loved that text.
You look so good in those jeans.
[chuckles.]
Okay, bye.
- Your mom? - No.
It was McCoy.
And he sent you flowers? Oh, no, those are from my mom.
Oh.
Okay, okay, buckle up.
Noah is Sylvia De La Croix.
What? You're kidding me.
That is completely blowing But I don't know who that is.
What? No, no, no, she's the writer of those trashy romance novels, "The Bodice Chronicles".
He's her.
Noah is Sylvia.
- Noah writes romance novels? - Yeah.
He's the least romantic person in the world.
Oh, I know.
He wants to spend Valentine's Day getting his dog's anal glands expressed.
[cell phone dings and buzzes.]
- [elevator bell dings.]
- Oh oh, that's the elevator.
That's him.
Okay, do not say anything.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Hey, buddy.
You told him.
Look, I'm not proud of it, okay? But it pays the bills, so can we please just keep this between the three of us? Sylvia De La Croix, as I live and breathe.
Well, I texted him before I knew I wasn't allowed to tell anyone.
Okay, great, your little group knows, but can we please just keep it between the four of us? She burst into the decrepit flophouse, one bosom heaving in anticipation, the other frozen in disbelief.
I had to.
You're her favorite author.
Karen, I wouldn't have pegged you as a fan of romance novels or of reading.
I've always seen myself in the character of Aurora.
Well, I actually just finished writing the final book.
[glass shatters.]
Huh? Wha kwah? What do you mean? I'm done being part of the romantic-industrial complex, exploiting people's loneliness for profit.
It's why I hate Valentine's Day.
Oh, Valentine's Day is the worst.
What? You love Valen [gibbering.]
I'm killing her off.
[glass shatters.]
Where did you get another martini glass? It's my spare.
[upbeat trumpet and piano music.]
You don't really need the tracksuits to know what team you play on.
Go ask him.
Say, Will, Jack is working tomorrow, and I know McCoy is out of town, but I have two tickets to see the guys from "Queer Eye" doing "The Vagina Monologues," if you would like to go.
I can't, I'm sorry busy.
Will would have loved to, yeah, but he's got a funeral.
His aunt just died, you know, the one he's named after, because they're both overweight spinsters.
Toodles.
Could you for once be a human being? What? You just invented my Aunt William and then murdered her.
I had to.
You hurt the feelings of my male fiancé, my "Boy-oncé," if you will.
I guess that makes you "Gay-Z.
" Sorry, it was there.
Look, I don't wanna go.
Well, of course you don't, because that would require you to make an effort.
As it is, he already thinks you're standoffish and aloof.
His words, not mine.
He also thinks you're a cold bitch.
My words, not his.
Jack, do us both a favor and don't do that thing that you're doing right now.
Oh oh, what am I doing right now? Being a screeching drama queen.
[screeching.]
Why must you push my buttons? Jack, just just let my relationship with Estefan evolve organically, okay? Don't try to control it.
Don't come with up schemes.
Don't tell lies.
Just let it be.
Well, I'll let it be if you promise to make an effort with Estefan.
I will make an effort with Estefan if you promise to let it be.
- Fine.
- Fine.
Hey hug? Sure.
I don't hug screeching drama queens.
[screeching.]
You're a fat monster! Thanks again for coming in to sign my books, Grace's Boyfriend.
You can call me Noah.
This will be much easier if I don't know your real name.
What will be easier? Nothing.
Here are the books.
Now, is there anything I can do or say or make Grace do sexually to get you to not kill Aurora? It's already done.
I just have to add a few more "probing tongues" and "throbbing manhoods" and send in the final manuscript tonight, then wait for my Pulitzer.
So you haven't sent it in yet.
Then there is still time.
- Time for what? - [gun cocking.]
What the hell are you doing? Aurora lives, or the laptop gets it.
Taxi! Taxi! Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
That's my cab, lady, sorry.
[grunts.]
Getting my boyfriend a gift.
[camera clicking.]
Not a Valentine's Day gift.
My boyfriend doesn't believe in that.
And neither do I, I guess.
Where you headed? I don't know.
Things are good, but we're just taking it one day at a time.
I meant where am I taking you to? Oh, uh, 15th and Madison.
I'm getting him an antique pen 'cause he's a writer.
Oh, but he's good-looking.
I don't know what you were picturing when I said "writer.
" [cell phone ringtone playing.]
Hey.
Hey, did you hear what happened? Someone just attacked Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
- It's all over Twitter.
- Oh, my God, is she okay? - Twitter doesn't know.
- This is awful.
God, who did this? Oh, please don't be someone Jewish.
No.
No, some woman on Riverside Drive knocked her over, hopped in a cab.
Wow, fleeing the scene? What a piece of sh Did you say Riverside Drive? Yeah.
I'll tell ya, when they find this woman, she won't be able to show her face anywhere in this city.
Did they say what she looks like? No, they I don't know, just that she was wearing a beret and eating a salad.
Hurry up, Jack.
Hello, William.
How's it going? It goes.
It is also hanging well.
Um, awful what happened to Ruth Bader Ginsburg, huh? Yes, you know, I had her on a flight back from Brazil.
She was very tiny.
She could be her own carry-on and then fly for free.
[laughs.]
But that would have been in violation of international law.
Okay.
Hey, you know, Estefan, just so you know, I really do wanna spend some time with you.
- Oh.
- You know, get to know each other.
Mm.
Hello, tricep.
[both laugh.]
Okay, hush puppy, let's go to brunch.
Something strange just happened.
Will was very sweet to me.
He touched my tricep.
I'm guessing the right one? That's the good one.
Because it's the one I use to point to the exits.
Did you tell him to be nice to me? Because I specifically asked you not to do that.
That would be humiliating.
Uh In my village, there is a clown who performs in the square.
People pretend to like Bobo, but everybody laughs at him behind his back, which is the worst possible thing for a clown.
Don't make me the clown in the square.
Oh, Estefan, I I did nothing wrong.
Well, then there is only one possibility.
We were alone together so he could show his true feelings.
I think Will has a crush on me.
That's ridiculous.
Will doesn't have a crush on you.
You're not a woman with no boundaries.
Well, it's either that, or you lied to me.
Oh, my God, Will has a crush on you.
Still no update on Ruth Bader Ginsburg, but onlookers describe her assailant as a red-haired woman in her mid-60s.
- What? - [elevator bell dings.]
[scoffs.]
Mrs.
Timmer, can I help you? I know it was you.
I don't know what you mean.
I know it was you.
I didn't mean to do it.
It's just that I haven't had a boyfriend on Valentine's Day for so long, and I just wanted to get him something.
But in my defense, I had no idea that it was Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
I thought I was just pushing down a frail old woman.
Wait, you're the one who pushed down Ruth Bader Ginsburg? Yeah, you said you knew that.
No, I know you're the one who stole my Fresh Direct salad from the lobby.
That was your crime.
You better go to her, admit what you did, and beg that tiny national treasure for forgiveness.
You're right.
Okay.
But you won't tell anybody in the building, right? Because they would hate me.
They're not so crazy about you now.
I hear things.
I say things too.
Please, please.
That's the only copy of my manuscript, okay? If you shoot my laptop, there may never, ever be a final book.
Oh, I never thought of that.
But you can't quit.
You're the greatest romance novelist since Danielle von St.
Lorraine.
Yeah, that's my buddy Steve Metz.
Look, Karen, I appreciate how so very passionate you are about Aurora, but these books take up all of my time, okay? I need to write a real novel again.
A real novel? These are real novels to me! Okay, what do you say we just, uh we we put the gun down and just talk, you know, like we're people without guns? Oh, I didn't even know it was still in my hand.
That's so funny.
Don't worry, it's not even loaded.
[gun clicking.]
- [chuckles.]
- Good to know.
Yeah, I don't like guns.
Yeah, I could tell.
I saw your face.
You were like, "Wah!" [laughs.]
No, honey, this is the one that's loaded.
- See? - [gunshot.]
Wha Okay, what what do you, uh what do you say I just take these guns and, uh and put them in this drawer with all the other guns? What is this place? Listen, can't you just rewrite the ending, let Aurora live? I need her.
We've been through a lot of hard times together, especially this last year.
This is my first Valentine's alone in a very long time.
I think Aurora always finding love gives me hope that I can too.
Karen, these books aren't about love.
Real love is sharing a bathroom and suppressing your rage and putting up with the other person's damage.
All right, this crap's ridiculous and embarrassing.
Being ridiculous and embarrassing is what love is.
It's standing in front of someone with a dumb drugstore balloon and saying, "Here I am, fully exposed.
" And you're afraid of that.
I'm not afraid of love, okay? I'm a little afraid of you.
Oh, yeah? Well, then ask yourself this: why are you here with me instead of being with Grace on Valentine's Day? Besides the ten guns? Because Grace doesn't care about any of that Valentine's stuff.
Oh, come on, she acts that way because she loves you.
But inside, she's as soft and squishy as a bird in a microwave.
Oh, yes, that old saying.
You're blowing Grace off today for the same reason that you're killing Aurora: because embracing romance makes you feel foolish.
Huh, that was actually kind of insightful.
Well, I had a maid who had a master's in psychology from her home country.
Brilliant woman, but her swan napkins were crap, so [blows raspberry.]
Okay, listen to me.
Estefan's right behind me, so no time for questions.
You have a crush on him.
It explains why you've been such an ice queen.
What? I have a crush on him? You'll admit it.
I'll say, "Get over it.
" You'll tearfully promise to change.
Problem solved.
So you actually want me to pretend to be into Estefan? Yes.
Well, then I will pretend to be into Estefan.
Don't know why you're saying it like that, but I appreciate it.
Will, is there something, perhaps, we need to talk about? You know what? There is.
I'm embarrassed to say this in front of Jack, but, um I have feelings for you.
[sighs.]
I always wondered why there was a painting of me on the wall.
Yes, yes, and I and I know there's nothing I can do about it.
I just have to learn to live in a constant state of tortured, unexpressed longing.
Yep, that's pretty sad.
Let's go.
Or is there a way to diffuse the tension, to quench the desire? Uh, there is not.
Jack, this is your best friend.
How do we deal with Will's unfulfilled desire? He'll do what he always does with his unfulfilled desire go to his room and Google pictures of Barack Obama windsurfing.
That won't work this time.
I think the only way to deal with these feelings is for me to share a passionate kiss with Estefan.
For who to kiss how with Este-what? Yes, this makes perfect sense.
Sexual tension will always exist in the prelude to a kiss.
Once you have the kiss [smooches.]
It is gone.
Yes.
It's like when you're at Panda Express and it all smells so good and you just want everything and then after one bite, you never, ever want that taste in your mouth again.
So in order for Will to release me, he must have me in his mouth once.
That's beautifully said.
Um, no bueno, señoritas.
I'm not gonna stand here and watch you two kiss.
You're right.
You're right.
- That would be super inappropriate.
- Exactly.
Let's go to my bedroom, where Jack can't see it and has to fill in the details with his imagination.
If that is the only way to save my marriage.
Stop it! I lied, okay? I lied.
I lied.
Will doesn't have feelings for you.
I did ask him to be nice, and the whole thing blew up.
[sighs.]
You lied to me? Jack, this is exactly what I asked you not to do.
Okay, until further notice, there is going to be a velvet rope in front of my first-class area.
- [sighs.]
- Hey, happy Valentine's Day.
Valentine's Day sucks.
It's a dumb holiday that only leads to sadness and the possible fall of democracy.
I get it.
You're single.
I'm not [scoffs.]
Forget it.
Mount Sinai Hospital.
Going to see Ruth Bader Ginsburg, 'cause I'm a good person, no matter what everyone's saying.
You're certainly better than that piece of crap that knocked her to the ground.
Oh, here's an update.
Going to Justice Ginsburg live now, who's going to give a statement.
Hello, everyone.
I want you to know I'm okay and I'm headed back to D.
C.
Oh, thank God.
And to my so-called assailant, I forgive you.
I've been a New Yorker my whole life, and when it comes to cabs, it's every woman for herself.
I know.
Plus, you were rushing to get a Valentine's Day gift.
I was.
I know what it means to love someone and the crazy things we do sometimes to show it.
I do wanna show him I love him, Ruth.
15th and Madison.
I'm gonna get my boyfriend a Valentine's Day gift, because even if he doesn't believe in romance, I do.
Aw, that's sweet.
And when you say "boyfriend," you really mean "cat," right? No.
Estefan said I should come over and make things right with you, so I was like [mumbling.]
I told him, "You're not the boss of me.
" And then he showed me the wheel, which said this week, he is, in fact, the boss of me.
Please never tell me what else is on that wheel.
I guess this is the part where I say things.
- Yep.
- [sighs.]
Okay.
Can you tell me what they are? I think you know.
[sighs.]
Okay.
I'm a liar and a schemer and a great big drama queen.
And? And you're attractive in certain light.
And? And I know your hair is real.
- And? - I'm not gonna say it.
- Say it.
- [sighs.]
Fine.
I weigh more than you.
This is the worst Valentine's Day ever.
Jack, I just wanted you to admit that you're a liar and a schemer and a big drama queen.
That's the first thing I said.
Yes, but if I'd stopped you, we'd never have gotten to the essential truth that my body's better than yours.
But your enormous lollipop head throws off all your proportions.
You just don't look right.
- Jack.
- What? I promise to make more of an effort to be friends with Estefan.
I love you.
He makes you happy.
Hence I love him.
[chuckles.]
Actually, that's really nice.
Would you write our vows? - I'd be honored.
- Okay.
But you have to tell people I wrote them and get really jealous in front of all the guests because I'm a better writer than you.
"Why can't I be as smart as Jack?" Ha-ha! I've learned nothing! Here it is, the new ending.
Aurora lives.
She seduces Cowboy Nick, who unties her from the nuclear warhead.
It was either that or do something stupid.
Thank you.
And quit using Aurora as an excuse.
You have plenty of time to write important books that no one will read.
I guess.
Yeah, maybe I had been blaming this gig on not writing my second novel.
Mm.
You know, part of me thinks it's bec Ah-bup-bup-bup-bup.
Not your therapist.
Now, quit your yapping and get out of here while it's still Valentine's Day.
That's right.
It's not over yet.
It's not too late.
Who are you, anyway? What do you mean? Are you the crazy woman who holds a gun to my laptop, or are you the sanest woman I've ever met? Oh, honey, can't I just be someone who's bored of this? "As Aurora stepped out onto the ledge, "her dress billowing in the hot Arabian winds, "she felt a calm wash over her.
"And in that moment, she realized "that jumping off that building "wouldn't be half as scary as allowing herself to fall in love.
" [tender music.]
Happy Valentine's Day.
Happy Valentine's Day.
"But the thing that scares you most "will be the thing that sets you free.
"And with a small secret smile, "she stepped back off the ledge and into the arms of her one true love.
"