The Goldbergs s10e17 Episode Script

1
Back in the '80s,
nothing was more important
to my brother than Flyers hockey.
When they made it to
the Stanley Cup Finals,
he knew exactly who to thank himself.
Because of my hard work
and unwavering dedication to the Flyers,
they are now on the precipice
of becoming world champions.
Your hard work?
Who else has suited up for every game
in their quasi-officially
sanctioned T-shirt,
stretched, ready to go,
with two orange popsicles in
a bowl, always to the side?
I've seen this in sports films.
Superstitious nutballs
think they somehow control
the outcome of the game,
so they repeat the behavior
in hopes of another win.
Well, in my very special case, it works.
No one believes that.
Yes, my baby helped the Flyers win.
I'm as proud as the
mothers of the players
I will be sitting with
during the victory parade.
You do you, I guess.
But why are the rest of us
involved in these antics?
In addition to all I will
do to help the Flyers win,
here's what you will do.
Since the beginning of the season,
I've been tracking all
your behaviors during games
to see if they help or hurt the Flyers.
You've been watching us?
I watch you all, too.
It's not weird. Go on, Barry.
Mom, let's start with you.
Ah, I'm number one on your
list and in your heart.
For the last seven victories,
you served us food that
was black and/or orange.
The colors of your team.
And construction signs
and monarch butterflies and Garfield.
It's all random nonsense.
Thus, everything we
consume from here-to-forth
must be black or orange.
For my superstitious
Schmoo, I'll make it happen.
Oh! I'm part of his life. Ha!
Wait, we have to eat carrots
and licorice for every meal
just to placate this lunatic?
Look who's too good to eat garbage.
When I was your age,
I ate my own clothes,
and I loved it.
Which brings me to Pop-Pop.
I'm afraid you're not allowed
in the house during the finals.
What are you yammering about?
The research shows when you're
on the premises, we lose.
- Facts matter.
- Yeah, but it's cold outside.
Where am I gonna go?
I've already enlisted Ginzy and Essie
to take turns hosting
you at their homes.
Oh, a couple of broads are detaining me.
Not too shabby.
They fought me on it. Hard.
You're not the belle of
the ball you think you are.
I hope your team loses.
Now, we come to Adam.
Sweet, precious Adam.
No water!
That was your water.
It was for dramatic effect.
You will not allow nature's
tears to touch your lips
for the entirety of
the Flyers playoff run.
And why, exactly?
Last Tuesday, you took
a sip and Rick Tocchet
got a two-minute penalty for slashing.
You were also breathing,
but I'm not unreasonable.
I'm definitely gonna drink water.
Thought you might say that.
Is this you holding up
a knife to Optimus Prime?
And you'll never see him
again unless you do what I say.
It's like five bucks.
I'll get a new one.
Well, can you replace
all your Transformers?
My babies!
Fine! I'll drink soda
all day, every day!
- Ya happy?!
- Not yet.
- You also can't change your underwear.
- What?
When you don your current
tighty-whities, the Flyers win.
It's just math.
How do you even know that?
On second thought, never tell me.
- I made Doritos and Oreo tops.
- Yes!
Our championship run starts now.
I'm twisted up inside ♪
But nonetheless, I
feel the need to say ♪
I don't know the future ♪
But the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪
It was spring 1980-something,
and Erica and Geoff were
packing up baby Muriel
for a day with Grammy
Linda and Grampy Lou.
Ooh, "Goodnight Moon."
The perfect sleepy-time
book for any baby.
And some emotionally in-touch dads.
It's not like Muriel
needs anything to help her
fall asleep at your parents' house.
What's that supposed to mean?
A day with your parents
isn't exactly baby Mardi Gras.
They just plop her down in
front of a boring documentary
or have her watch your dad
- as he counts out his afternoon prunes.
- Six prunes.
It's only a small part of the day.
And they have some fun toys over there.
You mean like that one wooden
spoon and Lou's car keys?
Car keys to you, but
with a baby's imagination,
they open the door to wonder.
And that strange cedar
box in his closet.
What's in there, Papa?
When my mom has the
baby, they go to the park,
the museum, the petting zoo.
And then she puts together
a photo album of the whole thing.
Sure, they're clearly
treasured keepsakes,
but your mom also gets way
more time with the baby.
Like every day.
Unlike your parents, my mom
plans active, fun things to do.
It's cool.
It's important for Muriel
to learn that some days
are total snooze-fests.
I can assure you that today,
our daughter will be living it up
in the streets with the people.
I don't think I've ever
seen your dad in sunlight,
but I definitely believe
your hollow words, sweetie.
There's our granddaughter we never see.
Look at her, Linda. She's all grown up.
Does she even remember who we are?
Muriel, I'm your father's mother.
I get it. You'd like to see her more,
but she's here now.
So, what fun and exciting things
are you gonna do with her today?
We're in the middle of
a 15-part documentary
on the Civil War.
But we wouldn't mind
starting over for the baby.
Your mother slept through
all of the burning of Atlanta.
Maybe less sitting on the
couch, being horrified,
and more being out in the world?
Well, your father is getting into
still-life photography.
I bet Muriel would love to see
my "Fruits of the Americas" series.
The light dancing on a plum
will make you think there's a God.
Pictures of second-tier
fruit? That's all you got?
Why are you yelling at us?
Because Erica has this idea
that you guys don't
do a lot with the baby,
and frankly, she's right.
We do all sorts of stuff.
Linda, get my keys.
And throw caution to the wind.
Grab the wooden spoon, too.
Oh, my God.
Beverly is crushing you guys.
It's not a competition.
It really is, and you're losing badly.
Take her to a museum,
to the park, to swim.
And take some photos of your
granddaughter, not purple fruit.
Plums actually come
in a variety of hues.
Yes, they are a beautiful
and diverse species,
but now is not the time.
I think we get it. Right, Lou?
- For sure.
- Mm-hmm.
Just like the Union
soldiers at Bull Run,
we will not let you down.
They lost that one. Huh?
- I guess I fell asleep, too.
- Mm-hmm.
- Plum juice is also a sedative.
- Be better.
While Geoff convinced his
parents to get off the couch,
Vic was shooing people away from them.
Whatever you do, do
not buy that sofa bed.
It is shoddily made by child laborers
and filled with asbestos and mercury.
- Uh, Vic?
- Hmm?
I'm no salesman, but what
the [bleep] are you doing?
I'm freaking out. That's what I'm doing.
It's all because of
that stupid commercial.
- Commercial?
- You really don't know?
Oh, Beverly, come and
witness the horror.
The horror.
Hello, Greater Philadelphia.
Do you love the Flyers?
Because I I know I do.
I'm from Edmonton, a
lifelong Oilers fan.
The Ottoman Empire is so
committed to seeing our Flyers
go all the way that we
promise to give you 100% back
on your purchase if our
boys win the Stanley Cup.
A hundred percent?!
That's all the percents!
That's right, random loyal
customer whom I've never met.
We'll give you a full
refund on items such as
bureaus
headboards
Ow.
or the bean bag of your dreams.
So come on down to the Ottoman Empire
and get your furniture for free!
All their money back?
Why would you say such a thing?
I gotta say it brought
in a lot of people,
but against all odds, the
Flyers just kept winning.
So we lose a couple of
bucks. How bad can it be?
If we have to give all that money back,
there's no way that we're gonna
be able to keep the store afloat.
But my son needs his team to win.
Your son needs his mama to
keep a roof over her head!
Stop yelling at me!
You're the one that threw
us into financial chaos.
I I'm sorry. I
I I'm not doing well.
My hair is turning white!
What are we gonna do?
For one thing, you are
gonna keep your mouth shut.
Barry cannot know any of this.
And who knows? Maybe
the Flyers will lose.
You're right. It could be okay.
It will be okay.
While Vic was in big trouble,
Lou and Linda had no trouble at all
showing their granddaughter a good time.
We've triumphantly returned!
From a day on the couch? Nice.
Au contraire, Erica.
We adventured to The
Academy of Natural Sciences
and saw a T. rex.
Both Muriel and Lou were terrified.
God destroyed those demons for a reason.
Guys, I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Well, prepare yourself to be wowed
because we also took her to the zoo.
And the "Rocky Steps."
Wow. You sort of did it.
And perhaps they're
worthy of a little more
of Muriel's time and attention?
They really are. I mean, look at her.
She is zonked from her amazing day out.
I'm gonna go put her down.
Well done, guys.
Oh, my God.
That was the longest day of my life.
Who walks that much?
Blood is filling my socks.
And the sun.
It sucked me dry like a juice box.
This is how it ends. I can say it now.
I never liked your sister.
Oh, you guys are still here?
Just basking in the
glory of our magical day.
About that Muriel's
free again tomorrow
if you want another
day of fun in the sun.
Tomorrow? The shortest amount of time
possible between now and forever?
This is a pretty big step, you guys.
So what do you say?
- Happy to do it.
- Our pleasure.
We are so [bleep] Linda.
I know it.
As Lou and Linda were
tormented by their win,
Barry's Flyers were heading for a loss.
No!
Mom, what are you doing? We lost.
Right. We did lose.
Um, and I'm so upset that I feel like
I need to dance away the pain.
We all grieve differently, I guess.
Indeed. Well, ugh, the dancing worked.
So now that it's all over,
I guess we can go back
to our lives of
financial stability, huh?
Oh, it's not over.
This is just the first game.
It's a best-of-seven series.
So, you're saying the Flyers
actually have a shot at winning?
You know it. I'm as hopeful as you.
Yes, I'm hopeful. You're hopeful.
Who cares about the specifics?
That woman is my rock.
More importantly, this proves
all your silly superstitions
had zero effect,
so I'm just gonna drink some
agua and freshen up my BVDs.
Oh, not so fast.
Stop being such a prima donna.
In 12 days, you can drink
as much water as you want.
My underwear isn't holding
up to the rigorous grind
of a young man in the world.
I had a homeless gentleman move
away from me on the bus.
Just turn it inside out
and buy yourself four more days.
'Cause it doesn't make sense.
We did everything right.
What's this one going on about?
Pop-Pop? What are you doing here?
Oh, there he is.
Ben, you ran off on us.
Your house makes my skin itch.
Well, you said you weren't allergic
to my Cavalier King Charles Spaniels.
Not your dumb mutts, the decor.
Who puts plates on the walls?
They're decorative ceramics.
Even I think they're a little too much.
You have a Navajo rug on your wall.
It's not a rug. It's a tapestry.
If you can vacuum it, it's a rug.
Enough hilarious in-fighting.
Pop-Pop's presence is
clearly why the Flyers lost.
But the good news is it's easily fixed.
No! Bar, I can't do this anymore!
My crotch feels like the swamp
where Yoda taught Luke how to Jedi.
Colorful stuff. The briefs stay on.
Now take the old man away!
By force, if necessary.
No, I'm not comfortable with that.
- On it.
- Please, no!
They drink milk with dinner,
and everyone has to stay at
the table till they're finished.
And so, for the next few days,
Barry did everything exactly right.
Let's go!
And what do you know? It seemed to work.
- The Flyers started to win.
- Goal!
Yeah.
And win again.
No, the Flyers weren't
always victorious,
but when they lost,
well, there was a perfectly
good reason for it.
Wait a second.
How the hell did this get in there?
Wait, wh How did that get in there?
It's so weird.
Don't worry, Mama.
We're gonna win this, and when we do,
it's gonna be the best thing
that's ever happened to me
- and therefore you.
- Oh, for sure.
Your happiness is
absolutely my only priority.
- Vic, we're gonna make the Flyers lose.
- Oh, good.
I was waiting for you to come
up with a practical solution.
Lou and Linda were trying
to psych themselves up
for another day with Muriel,
but it wasn't going great.
Okay, we have been doing nothing
with the baby for a while.
The ice is doing bupkus
for my swollen feet.
I think that that's just
how they are, sweetie.
I don't need judgment.
And what are you drinking?
This is a sports-themed beverage.
It's going to give me
Michael Jordan's ability
to not die while pushing a stroller.
Let me sample this neon juice.
Dammit, that's nice on the tongue.
I drank three of these yellow boys,
and I just want to lay on the floor.
But we promised the kids
we'd take the baby apple picking.
If only there were some magical shortcut
that didn't involve our limbs.
Why schlep all over Philadelphia
when all we need is the
evidence that we did?
Grab an apple,
hold the baby in front of the ficus.
- And boom, we're apple picking!
- Brilliant!
But how are we going to pretend
that we went to the pool at the JCC?
Fill the damn tub, Linda.
Why do I have to be both
the brains and the brawn?
While the Schwartzes weren't
above using trick photography,
my mom was about to sink to a new low.
Hello there, Mr. Flyers General Manager.
How did you get in here?
Oh. Just one of my many
charming attributes.
I'm Beverly Goldberg,
matriarch of the first
family of Jenkintown
and part owner
- of the Ottoman Empire furniture store.
- Oh, yeah.
I'm about to get my money back
from a bedroom set I bought there.
The hell you will.
Mr. General Manager,
what is the one thing we know
for sure about Flyers fans?
Win or lose, they set things on fire?
Exactly. They're an understanding bunch.
So if they knew that a local
mom-and-pop shop was in trouble
and that one teensy-weensy
loss from the Flyers
would solve all their problems
heck, don't you think those
fans would root for you to lose?
Are you crazy? Our fans want us
to win, no matter what.
Beverly, I told you
he'd be unreasonable.
Relax, Vic. We're on to plan B.
Would you please pass this casserole
along to the team for me?
It seems like you want
the Flyers to lose,
so you're gonna poison our players?
- He's onto us.
- Wait, what?
Vic, you're not supposed
to eat the casserole.
I'm not making good choices this year.
- Please leave.
- Thank you for your time.
While my mom had failed
to con the Flyers,
Lou and Linda were working
on a scheme of their own.
Hello!
We've returned again
from a day of cherished memories
and treasured experiences.
It's true. I've got the proof.
I mean the pictures, which are proof
that a totally real,
fun time was had by all.
You guys are being weird.
You're being weird.
Concentrate on the
photographic evidence, son.
Muriel went swimming?
Obviously. She's clearly in water.
By herself?
Was one of you in the pool with her?
Uhhh, no?
She's a baby. She can't swim.
It was the shallow end!
You're focusing on the wrong thing.
I'm focusing on the
corner of the picture,
and it looks like there's a
bottle of Head & Shoulders.
That's the lifeguard stand.
Now, take an impossibly quick look
at the pic of her at the Liberty Bell.
Why does it look like
you guys just held her up
in front of a Taco Bell magazine ad?
Next pic. The apple orchard.
Okay, that's clearly the ficus
I got you for your birthday.
W What's going on?
Geoffrey, climb out of our asses.
Because our tireless bodies
are completely capable of anything.
You know what?
I think you faked these pictures,
and I think you don't have the energy
to take care of our child.
I can't believe you'd
accuse us of such a thing.
Okay, Dad, do a single jumping jack.
Excuse me?
Prove to us that you have the energy.
Just do one jumping jack.
- Easy-peasy.
- Do it, hon.
Just blast out a double
J and show these fools!
Fine! We faked it!
This "go get 'em"
lifestyle is unsustainable!
I'm sorry. We just love
our granddaughter
and want to spend more time with her.
Sure, sure. We'll see.
- That means no.
- We lost, Linda.
I'll see you two out.
Yeah, you're gonna have to
because we need help
getting into the car.
You should give your
in-laws another chance.
Pop-Pop, you're mixing in?
Yeah, when I need to,
which is hopefully never again.
What are you saying?
I'm saying every
grandparent is different.
Well, mine certainly were.
Pops was super involved
and active, and you were
I know. A giant bagel.
I wouldn't say that.
I used to love going over to your house,
and you would just
put on Motown records.
I would sing and dance
while you sat on the couch
and rolled pennies, remember?
Who could forget?
It's kinda where I first fell
in love with being a singer.
Wait.
Were you, in your own
way, encouraging me?
Eh, you liked tunes. I threw them on.
So you're saying you
get different things
from different people?
I would've said it
differently, but, uh
While Pop-Pop tried to buy some
sympathy for Lou and Linda,
Barry caught a commercial
that made him feel terrible.
free, when the Flyers win it all.
- Oh, no.
- So come on down to the Ottoman Empire
- How bad is it?
- It's not bad.
Just a a teensy-tiny
smidge of a bother.
- Vic, how bad?
- Interesting question.
Okay, here it is.
If the Flyers win tomorrow,
we will definitely lose our
house and everything in it.
Well, this is quite disappointing.
I know you want your team to win.
No, the idea that you couldn't tell me.
Do you really think I'm such
a child I couldn't handle it?
I mean, you do tend to
be emotionally gifted.
I may care deeply about the Flyers,
but believe it or not, I
care about my family more.
- Barry
- Don't.
I'll be upstairs, not
watching the game I love.
It was Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals,
and no matter the outcome,
Barry couldn't win.
But my mom refused to
go down without a fight.
You were right.
I should have been honest with you.
You are definitely old
enough to handle it.
Damn right I am.
It's just I kinda don't want you to be.
You're all adults now,
which means you don't need me
to protect you from the world.
Mom. Look at me.
We don't need you.
I saw that going a different way.
We don't need you as much.
But you're still our mom,
and we'll always need you a little.
Just not the whole ginormous you.
Thank you.
And no matter what
happens with the game,
you got the Flyers
three victories in
the Stanley Cup Finals.
You really think I did that?
Of course you did.
You're magical, Barry Goldberg.
Hm. Well, maybe if I helped
the Flyers win,
I can help them lose, too. Okay.
Okay, we're gonna do the exact opposite
of everything we've done.
Mom, I'm gonna need you to
make a boatload of blue food.
- I'm on it.
- Pop-Pop, you can now set up
right in front of the TV.
Don't move my favorite thing to do.
Adam, you can now drink water
and change your underwear.
I think I speak for
everyone in this room
when I say I already did.
And, Vic, since today is opposite day,
I have something to say
to you as an Oilers fan.
I respect you as a man.
Okay, this part seems unnecessary.
Finally, there's one more thing.
It burns my skin, but
it's for my family!
And so that day, with
everything on the line,
Barry made the ultimate sacrifice.
He used his magic against the Flyers.
- There we go!
- Yes! Oh!
And when they ultimately
lost the Stanley Cup,
it was a win for all of us.
But for my brother, no
victory ever hurt more.
And while there was plenty to celebrate,
things at the Schwartzes
were not so festive.
While I'll make you fall for me ♪
Erica, what are you doing here?
Well, I thought I'd drop Muriel off
to hang out with her grandparents.
Well, neither one of us
are really moving around
that well at this moment.
Yeah, I think my parents
really need a day on the couch.
Sounds good to me.
- And Muriel.
- Really?
I know few grandparents
have the energy of my mom,
and I also know that
Muriel is very lucky
to have the two of you because
of how much you love her.
We do love her.
To the moon and back.
Yep, there are a lot of
different ways family
can be there for you.
Sometimes you get a
totally unexpected win.
What's this?
Well, since the Flyers lost,
the store raked in a fortune,
and I got a little something for you.
Season tickets?
Now you can go to every game.
Maybe you could join me sometime?
You'd want me there?
Are you kidding me?
- You're my lucky charm.
- Aww.
But you'd better root
for the Flyers this time.
- I will, I promise.
- Promise?
Other times, you think you've lost,
only to realize you've gained
something much more valuable.
But whether you're cheering
on a family business
or your favorite team,
it doesn't matter if it's
the thrill of victory
or the agony of defeat,
'cause when you're
all cheering together,
every day is a win.
- Yes!
- We did it!
Here you go, buddy.
All your stupid robots, safe and sound.
Go ahead, kiss them like I'm not here.
First, I don't need your
permission to show my affection.
And second, where the hell is Bumblebee?
Oh, is that the yellow one?
Tell me now where he is!
He's my most specialest.
Believe me, I know.
I've seen the way you
look at him. Not okay.
But he's safe and sound
and will continue to be,
as long as you do a
few minor things for me.
I think you're bluffing.
Was I bluffing when I
melted your Boba Fett
or sawed your Speak & Spell in half
to see who was talking in there?
Just tell me what you want.