M*A*S*H (MASH) s10e18 Episode Script

Holy cow! Gentleman Joe Cavanaugh, coming here! Oh, uh, excuse me, Colonel.
Please continue.
No problem, Padre.
Couldn't have said it any better myself.
- Certainly not any louder.
- What's so great about Gentleman Joe Cavanaugh? Oh, where have you been living all your life? He was only the undefeated middleweight champion for nine years.
He had a left hook that could have put the lights out on a water buffalo.
Doesn't he own a big restaurant in Hollywood now? Yeah.
I hear it's always crawling with celebrities.
- Especially beneath the bar.
- Where the elite fall off their feet.
Well, here to give us some background on Gentleman Joe if there's any left Is Major Robert Hatch from Army Information.
- Major? - Thank you, Colonel.
The champ is on a goodwill tour sponsored by the State Department.
He'll be here for about five hours.
That'll give him enough time to shake hands with your wounded boys.
- You do have wounded? - Oh, sure.
We have them custom made in a factory in North Korea.
- We're their best customer.
- Fine, fine.
And to show your appreciation, you're gonna give the champ a banquet which is good news for you, because he only eats steak.
Is that what it takes to get a steak dinner around here, a visit from some Joe Palooka.
- I wonder if he eats it cooked.
- Oh, cram it, will ya? Don't tie on the bibs just yet, folks.
Major, let's don't make promises you can't eat.
The only beef we've got around here is a la shingle.
No problem.
No problem.
To get those steaks, just call Supply and mention that memo.
- Which memo? - About the champ's tour.
It came from General Wilberforce two weeks ago.
Instructs all units to give the champ anything he wants.
I hope you brought a copy with you.
Half the memos sent here get classified "missing in action.
" Oh, you don't need it.
Just mention it when you call.
- If you say so, but hearing is believing.
- Fine.
Fine.
- Now, Colonel, I'd like to check out the Mess Tent - Sure.
So I can draw up a seating arrangement.
I want to order some steaks.
That's right.
Steaks.
Give me a break, will ya? They told me to mention some memo from General Wilberforce's office, and Oh, I don't know.
T- bone, about an inch thick.
How many you got? Sixty'll be fine! Welcome, Champ! - How was the trip? - Oh, great.
One jeep, four guys and a tripod potholes you could hide in, and all the dust I could swallow.
Sorry, Champ.
We'll get you that extra jeep.
Oh, uh, this is the CO here - Colonel Sherwood Potter.
- Uh, a lot of folks call me Sherman.
Pleasure.
Oh, this is our clerk, Sergeant Klinger.
You wouldn't believe what a lot of folks call me.
How are you? So, where are the wounded boys? They've got a ward right around the corner.
Sergeant, why don't you give the boys a hand and find - a parking meter for this heap? - Yes, sir.
Gentleman Joe.
It is you! I can't tell you what an honor and privilege this is.
You have no idea how long I've dreamt of this occasion.
- Nice to meet you too.
- Well, now that you've met, why don't I introduce you? Oh, thank you, Colonel.
I'm the chaplain here.
- Right.
- Francis Mulcahy Father Francis.
Actually, we have met before.
- We have? - Yes, it was 20 years ago after the Galligan fight at Convention Hall in Philadelphia.
You were getting into your car and I stuck my face in the window and waved at you.
L- I was wondering if you might remember.
- No, I'm afraid I don't.
- Well, I understand.
It was a while ago.
Uh, Champ, this is one of our surgeons, Major Charles Winchester.
Mr.
Cavanaugh, it's always a pleasure to meet someone who arrives - accompanied by a steak dinner.
- Nice to meet you too.
- So, uh, where are the wounded? - It's right this way.
Uh, sad to say, we've got a full house.
Well, gentlemen, I'll see you later.
Champ, now we'll go in there and you'll do the hand-pumping routine.
We'll have the cameras going.
Then we're gonna have a little banquet for you - then we move on to the 6022 Artillery.
- Move on? How many of these nickel-and-dime units are we going to? Champ, there are a lot of people out here who really love you.
- Uh, I count myself among - Is this your idea of booking a tour? You've got me hopping around like Bugs Bunny.
- Champ, I'm really sorry, but - Let me tell you something.
If you're gonna drag me all over Korea, you better get me a second jeep or I'm gonna get me a new boy.
Hey, what's everybody doing in bed? Is it nap time? Hey, it's Gentleman Joe Cavanaugh! I was in the neighborhood.
I thought I'd drop in.
- How's Hollywood treating you, Champ? - Oh, I love it there.
You walk down the street, and you see nothing but blondes with perfect bodies and tans that won't quit.
And that's just the guys.
- Hey, how's your pal Truman? - Ah, he's fine.
I just wish his kitchen wasn't so hot.
- What happened to you, slugger? - Grenade landed in my foxhole.
- Geez, you look like me after I went 15 with Billy Soose.
Hang in there, son.
We're proud of you.
Oh, and by the way, we're proud of you folks too.
You're doing a bang-up job.
- They keep getting banged up, we'll keep doing our job.
- Thank you.
Hey, Champ.
What's the toughest fight you ever had? Uh, probably the Zale fight.
Nah, tougher than that the fight to keep my weight.
Hey, Champ, would you sign my cast? Sure, but you gotta remember, I'm a boxer.
You're gonna have to help me with the spelling.
- Nice guy.
- Oh, a true gentleman.
That same gentleman you now see flashing teeth - was not two seconds ago using them to devour an associate.
- Now just a minute.
I'd be a little testy myself if I'd just finished a long, uncomfortable jeep ride.
Is there any such thing as a comfortable jeep ride? Father, why are you defending that pug? His only claim to fame is that he used to beat people to a pulp.
Oh, yeah? Well I heard that Florence Nightingale messed around.
Do you see that guy? Darn good steak.
You folks always eat like this? Oh, yeah.
At least once every blue moon.
You know, Mister C one time when Mildred and I were on vacation in, uh, tinseltown we had the pleasure of visiting your establishment.
We tried a couple of those drinks you call "The Knockout Punch.
" - Yeah, they sure pack a wallop.
- Ho-ho, don't I know it.
Afterwards, we wobbled up the street to that Chinese Theatre.
Who'd have thought Theda Bara's feet are smaller than Mildred's face? Say, dollface how about a couple of shots of you posing with the champ? Mmm, no thank you, sweetie.
Excuse me, Joe? I know how a great boxer like yourself must get sick and tired of people asking questions about your fights.
There's only one question I tire of.
Why did I keep dropping my left in that fight with Garcia? Oh.
Oh, well, uh, never mind.
Say, Colonel, how about a shot of you toasting the champ? Oh, gee.
I don't know.
- I'm not what you call a-a George Jessel.
- Come on, Colonel.
- Go ahead - Oh, what the hey.
I'd like to, uh Uh, propose a toast to the champion fighter Uh, restaurateur Well, I'm just winging this.
But, uh, I guess what I'm trying to say is thanks for popping in on us.
- Hear! Hear! - Gentleman Joe! What's the matter? What is it? What's happened to him? Somebody get a litter.
Get him into post-op.
Keep him on 10 percent "D" and "W.
" Catheterize him, take his vital signs - every 15 minutes till he's stable.
- Right.
- How is he? Is he all right? - No.
- What is it? - He's had a stroke a massive one.
Is he gonna pull through? I wouldn't get your hopes up, Father.
Let me get this straight.
Are you saying the champ is dying? - Yeah, I guess I am.
- Dear God.
- Damn.
How long do you give him? - A few hours.
- He's got blood in his spinal fluid.
- Well you can't give up yet.
There must be a specialist we could call.
Major, all your specialist could do is pull up a chair and wait with the rest of us.
He seemed so strong, so vital.
Aw, I got to call the Press Train at Munsan, get some guys down here.
- Now wait a minute, Major.
- Colonel, if he is really dying, this is big news.
Well, whatever you do, all I ask is - that you keep those boys on a leash.
- No problem.
No problem.
Boy, what a dump! - Anybody seen my typewriter? - You got anything left in that flask? Poor Joe.
Sure wouldn't wanna drop dead in this place.
- Hey, boys, how was the trip? - Bus needs new shocks.
What in the name of Beelzebub is going on? Boys, this is Colonel Sherwood Potter.
- These are the reporters from the Press Train.
- Press Train? Looks like you've got the whole damn railroad here.
Geez, Louise! You could at least let a fella get some clothes on.
Colonel, I'm gonna set up a press conference right away.
- Could I borrow your clerk? - Why not? After all, the boy did sleep last night.
- Perfect.
Thank you, Klinger.
- No problem.
No problem.
- I never planned on having kids anyway.
- Uh, put it over there.
- Then can I go back to bed? - Not yet.
You've got to make these guys some more coffee.
They're running low.
- Wonderful.
- Oh, and, uh, sharpen some pencils for me, will ya? - Why not? How do you think we make the coffee? - Ah.
Oh Look at this zoo.
There are probably more people here than there are covering the truce talks.
Well, nobody at the truce talks ever squired Jean Harlow.
- Couldn't this have waited until morning? - That's what I said.
But look on the bright side.
We'll answer all their questions at once and get it over with.
Oh, I hope so.
I left a bookmark in my pillow.
Oh, Pierce.
Come with me.
- Guys, guys.
- Careful.
I'm saving that elbow to rub with celebrities.
Guys, this is Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce, MD.
All my close reporters call me Hawkeye.
This is the doctor who is treating Gentleman Joe.
He'll answer all your questions.
Dr.
Pierce, what happened to the champ? Well, he suffered a massive intracranial hemorrhage.
It's a severe type of stroke.
- How severe? - Well, he's completely paralyzed on one side - and his EEG shows severe damage.
- EEG? - Uh, it's an electroencephalogram.
- How do you spell that? I personally spell it E-E-G.
- What's the prognosis? - Well, he's dying.
It's just a matter of time.
Uh, please, the only thing I like to be blinded by is alcohol.
Gosh, that was clever.
Our fair-haired boy seems to have taken quite a shine to the spotlight.
- Dr.
Pierce, tell us something about yourself.
- Oh, me? Oh, well, uh Uh, I was born in a log hospital.
Oh, no! What's next? Read 'em and weep! Hey, quiet down, you guys.
I think I'm getting through.
- Sergeant, you're out of paper.
- There goes my honorable discharge.
- What? - Uh, there's a few sheets in the bottom drawer.
You know, speaking of drawers and sheets, I was hoping - to strip down to one and slip between the other.
- Not now.
We need this room.
That phone is the only way these guys can get their stories out.
Aw, come on.
You may not believe it, but that card table there - converts into a bed.
- Tonight it doesn't.
You've got to open the O-Club.
These poor guys are gonna be working all night.
Oh, my heart snores for them.
By the time these hollow legs stagger out of here, there won't be anything left for us.
No problem.
No problem.
You need to restock, just use Wilberforce's memo.
Ah, yes, the general's memo.
Certainly does open a lot of doors, doesn't it? Hey, you want to open some doors? Start at the Officers Club.
Excuse me, may I get by? Thank you.
- Uh, Major Houlihan, right? - Right.
- Any news on the champ? - He's about the same.
- How does he look? Is he awake? - Does he have any idea what happened to him? I just told you.
He's the same.
He was in coma yesterday, and he's in coma today.
- May I have my breakfast now? - Is there somebody with him now? Of course, there's somebody with him.
There's somebody with him round the clock.
He's getting the best care in the whole damn world.
Are you saying he shouldn't be getting the best care? No! All I'm saying is that there's a ward full of boys with their guts blown out and their conditions are not gonna be printed up on the front page.
- Did something happen between you and the champ? - No I don't think the major was speaking for the record, gentlemen.
- No, I was not for the record.
- Now wait a minute, Major.
- Ah, Dr.
Pierce.
! - You can't have it both ways.
You say there's a chance Thanks for getting me off the hook, Father.
- Well I didn't do it for you.
- Excuse me, Doctor.
Oh, goodness, I left my spontaneous quips in my other pants.
Uh, Dan Blevik, Ohio Newsday.
Hawkeye Pierce, Korea every day.
We need to know about the doctor who's going to be in the champ's corner for his biggest fight of all.
I'm just a spectator here.
The champ is fighting this one by himself.
But tell us about you the man behind the doctor.
- Look, I'd really rather have my breakfast, okay? - It'll only take a minute.
- Now where did you go to med school? - Absorbine Junior College.
- That's a good one.
You're a pretty funny guy.
- Doc, wait a minute, please Just think, for a moment there, we were nearly the men - behind the man behind the doctor.
- Oh, forget it, Charles.
- We don't want to be late for our "Surgeons Anonymous" meeting.
- Oh.
- Are you washing or just hiding? - A little of each.
Those guys never give up.
- It's amazing.
- Yeah.
So, uh, how's the champ? Well, to tell you the truth, I'm surprised he's made it this far.
Ah! Doctor Pierce.
I've been looking all over for you.
Bill Stitzel, World News International.
Can you give me a few minutes? - What, now, in here? - Price of fame.
- I can wait outside.
- No, it's all right.
My My nickel's up anyway.
- Would you hand me my robe there? - The purple one - to go with the prose.
- Thanks.
Actually, I-I'm doing a sidebar story on what exactly a stroke is.
- I want to review my facts, make sure I've got 'em right.
- Yeah, all right.
I've got a couple of questions I'm not too sure about, uh - Excuse me, I'm from - Didn't you see him? He just left.
Oh, no.
Actually, Dr.
Hunnicutt - I wanted to ask you a couple of questions.
- Oh, yeah? Okay, shoot.
Tell me, what kind of a guy is Dr.
Pierce? I don't believe those guys.
"Just give me two minutes of your time, Dr.
Pierce.
" - If that was two minutes, Rome really was built in a day.
Poor boo-boo, having the world treat your every utterance as if it were of value.
- How you must suffer.
- Oh, what Come on, will you? Do you You think having uninvited guests in the shower is fun? L I wouldn't really know.
I'm just your everyday Joe poor working slob who takes his lunch pail to O.
R.
And toils in anonymity.
You're jealous.
Your patient is beyond help, yet you are receiving worldwide acclaim for doing nothing.
Why on earth should I be jealous of that? Oh, good, and I thought you were jealous.
Pierce, how blind can even you be? Everyone in this camp is sick to death of watching you throw yourself at those vultures.
"Everyone in this camp"? I don't even buy everyone in this tent.
Tell him, will you, Beej? Well, if you really want to know, I'm on his side.
What? - I didn't ask for this press party.
- Maybe not.
But from where I sit, you look like you're having one hell of a good time.
- They sent me for a doctor.
Cavanaugh's slipping fast.
- Dr.
Pierce, you're on.
Shut that door, JoAnn! Ghouls.
- How much time? - Not much.
- Oh.
- It's just about over.
I'm sorry, Father.
- Oh.
- Where's his chart? - On the desk.
- Excuse me.
I'm sorry I never got much of a chance to talk to you.
There were so many things I wanted to say.
I'm sure people tell you this all the time but you've always been quite a hero to me.
Actually, when I was growing up I had two heroes.
No offense.
You and Plato.
I know that sounds strange.
I loved Plato's notion of an ideal plane.
I could even picture it rambling fields and trees sort of like the suburbs, but in the sky.
I wished I could live there myself.
I suppose that's because my real life was less than ideal.
I was small and wore thick glasses probably from reading too much Plato.
And I was an easy target for the neighborhood kids.
I didn't even try to fight back.
I didn't think fisticuffs were very, oh, Platonic.
Well, when I was 12, my father dragged me to see my first fight.
It was you versus Tony Giovanetti.
By the ninth round, you were punching him at will.
The crowd was yelling, "Put him away.
Put him away.
" My father was one of the loudest.
All of a sudden, you stopped punching.
You stepped back, and you told the ref to stop the fight because the man had been hurt enough.
And I realized for the first time that it was possible to defend myself and still maintain my principles.
If Plato had been a boxer I suspect he'd have fought like you.
That was when I made up my mind to to keep one foot in the ideal plane and the other foot in the real world.
I thought you might like to know that.
And I just wanted to thank you.
Attention, all personnel.
Choppers are on the way which means it's time for your sewing circle.
Afraid you're gonna lose your private room, Champ.
- Keep a nurse on him, okay? - Right.
- JoAnn.
- Right, Major.
- I'll be along in a minute.
- I know.
What I don't understand, Pierce is why you're wasting time here saving lives when there are memoirs to be written.
And in the movie version, the part of Charles Emerson Winchester will be played by Francis, the Talking Mule.
- Oh-oh.
More retraction.
Fast.
- Got it.
- What's going on? - His heart's fibrillating.
- It's wriggling like a bucket of worms.
- Try hand pumping.
I'm already in there.
Getting a beat? No.
- Come on, kid! - Hunnicutt, we got more waiting.
If you don't get a regular beat soon, then you better let him go.
Klinger! Go to the Swamp.
Uh, there's a magazine, a journal, under my sweatshirt.
- Bring it in here.
- Wait a minute.
Wa-Wait.
Hold it.
You mean that article on electroshock? You want to try that? - It'll stop fibrillation.
- It will? Why haven't I heard about it? - Or I? - Because it's just experimental.
- It's only been tried on dogs.
- Hold it right there! Command takes a very dim view of our using these boys as lab rats.
I figure he's got a lot more to lose than we do.
I let go of this kid's heart, he's got a life expectancy of about a minute.
Maybe we better give it a try.
What do you think, Colonel? - Do it.
- Klinger, go! And hurry up.
We've got to build a defibrillator.
- How is he, Father? - How is he, Father? - He's, uh He's gone.
- Is he all right? - Wh-When did he die? - Did they cause his death, Father? Will you excuse me, please? Were you with him when he died? Captain, isn't this thing going to electrocute him? That's the idea.
Just enough to save his life I hope.
Okay, take that big electrode plate and put it underneath him.
- How far does this go? - Right under his left shoulder blade.
- Okay.
- Okay? All right, now plug it in.
This table's metal, so we'll have to stand away from it.
- All plugged in.
- Okay.
Give me the other electrode.
Now when I say to give me the juice turn it off and on, real fast.
Good luck, pal.
To me too.
- Ready? - Uh-huh.
Now.
Again.
It stopped fibrillating.
But is it beating? One beat Come on, I know you got another one in you.
Two beats Let's go, you almost had a run there.
- Steady beat, and it's not fibrillating! - Hey, you did it! - Congratulations, sir.
- Attaboy, Hunnicutt! - Good one! - All right, let's close.
Well, well, well.
Not a bad day's inventing, Dr.
Edison.
Oh, it's nothing any creative genius couldn't have done.
Now if I can just get my own heart started again.
Dr.
Hunnicutt, one thing's bothering me.
Does Peg like crowds? - What? Why? - We got a lot of reporters in the Mess Tent.
When I tell them about your invention, you're gonna be the man in the news.
So you actually sort of had to kill the guy to save his life? - Sorta, yeah.
- Interesting.
"Interesting"? Wait.
Excuse me.
This guy has just invented a whole new system for saving lives.
Listen, I think that's terrific.
Uh, you really should be proud of yourself.
But, if I call that in to my editor, he's gonna say "Okay, fine, but what else have you got?" - What are you, out of your mind? I'm talking - Hawk-Hawk, forget it.
- Peg doesn't like crowds anyway.
- Sorry.
Oh, one more thing.
That, uh, town that you're from, uh, Crabapple Cave? - Cove.
- Uh, right.
Good thing I ran into you.
Well, so long.
Klinger, I've signed the morning Great logs of Limburger! - Is this a desk or a deli counter? - Both, sir.
Look at all the great things I got thanks to General Wilberforce.
I just rubbed his memo, and they all appeared.
Don't you think you've gone overboard a little? Well, maybe I overreacted a little.
But I knew the memo would expire right after the champ did.
You just made one little mistake, son.
This food'll be spoiled before you can eat it all.
Excuse me.
Are you folks expecting a delivery from General Wilberforce?