The Goldbergs s10e18 Episode Script

1
[adult Adam] Back in the '80s,
no one had
more romantic moments
than Erica and Geoff,
from their courtship to
their magical wedding.
But since the birth of their baby,
the magic had taken a few hits,
and my sister was hoping to inject a
little passion back into their lives.
Boy, that "Hush, Little
Baby" lullaby is so weird.
Like, why would you buy
an infant a diamond ring?
What's all this?
What does it look like, handsome?
Sultry music, scented
candles, dimmed lights.
I'd say someone was either
hoping for a romantic evening
or planning on running a
fortune-telling parlor out of our room.
It's the first thing.
Tomorrow's our anniversary,
and I want to celebrate early.
- Champagne?
- Whoa, you are as bubbly as this Brut.
Ooh, there goes my nose tickle.
Even your dumb talking can't ruin this.
- Get over here.
- [knock on door]
Hey, you two, I made you a special
surprise for your anniversary.
- Can it wait?
- It cannot.
I call it "trout chili,"
and it will not keep.
We don't want that right now.
Well, I'll just leave all
32 quarts outside your door.
Ugh, I smell fish and peppers.
Well, just hold your nose and
let's get back to business.
- [knock on door]
- Erica, solve a bet for us.
Barry says he can jump to
the tree outside our bedroom,
but I think he's gonna die.
Impossible! I have the
explosive thighs of a kangaroo.
Tell him, Erica.
- Tell him how special my body is.
- For sure, go for it!
Wait, but that would
kill Barry and the mood.
But for the few minutes while
the ambulance is en route,
- we can get down.
- Yeah.
- [knock on door]
- Hey, where do you keep the plunger?
I don't know. Maybe ask anyone else?
It's kind of an emergency. I
already threw away my shoes.
We can't help you. No
one with any dignity can.
- [knock on door]
- Oh, God! Who now?
It's your friendly neighbor, John
Glascott. Do you have a moment?
We most certainly don't!
I'm just here to beseech
you to close your curtains.
I noticed that you set the
stage for a boudoir dalliance,
and I can see everything.
I guess my first recommendation
would be to close your curtains.
I have delicate Venetian blinds.
You would know that if you ever accepted
any of my multiple invitations
for coffee and Battleship.
Erica! Barry's hurt,
and not in a funny way.
In a "he's weirdly quiet" way.
All right, I solved it
by snapping a towel at it,
so, uh, you're welcome.
Guess what I brought? Chili spoons.
Why waste all these beans and mackerel?
Are they seriously just gonna eat in
the hallway, right outside our door?
- Oh, whatever.
- [Muriel crying]
And there's the baby.
Happy anniversary, buddy.
- Oh, that's good.
- [Glascott] Mm.
I'm twisted up inside ♪
But nonetheless I
feel the need to say ♪
I don't know the future ♪
But the past keeps
getting Clearer every day ♪
[adult Adam] It was
March 22, 1980-something,
and Barry and Joanne
had finally found a place
to move into,
Pop-Pop's old apartment.
Bathroom, uh, room
um, stove you could burn your trash on.
And here's the dying room.
- Do you mean the dining room?
- Oh, sure.
That's probably what
you guys will use it for.
This place is awesome.
There are support bars in the shower,
so I can do my tricep dips
while I wash off the sweat.
Yeah, it certainly has
your personality, Pop-Pop.
Uh, Barry, who's this broad
you're shacking up with, again?
I'm Joanne.
I've been dating your
grandson for over a year now.
I gave you my bone marrow.
Why am I helping them move?
My arms are built for Nintendo,
not whatever you call this.
- Manual labor?
- Come on, I'll show you the back alley
where you can throw your
grapefruit rinds and cigar butts.
Where should I put
Barry's throwing stars
- and private dream diaries, Mama?
- Uh, the closet?
[adult Adam] And in that closet,
I was about to discover more than
my grandpa's moth-eaten sweaters
a moth-eaten manuscript.
"Invasion from Cosmic
City" by BL Goldberg!
[adult Adam] Thirty pages of an
unpublished science-fiction manuscript
written by my grandfather.
Pop-Pop is a nerd!
- Hey, who told you you could read that?
- Sorry.
I'm just so excited to
find out that you're
- just like me!
- An oddball? Ah, no way.
And yet you are.
It's like Pops taught me
how to be kind and be a man,
and you and I share something
almost as important
made-up aliens and jetpacks.
You learned squat from me.
And I'll prove it. Look at that.
A rejection letter?
Ah, those bastards crushed my dreams,
but I showed 'em.
I gave up writing, and
every single morning,
I re read that letter.
Why would you do that?
To recharge my hatred
and distrust for the world
so that nobody can ever
hurt me like that again.
How is that showing them?
They thought they'd
beaten down BL Goldberg,
but my relentless anger will never die.
Ha! Ben wins.
[adult Adam] While I learned my grouchy
grandpa and I were sort of similar,
Geoff and Erica had learned
how hard it was to
get time to themselves.
A good morning to all creatures,
both jacked and puny.
Why are you so happy?
And, Geoff, where's my toast?
I'm not a wizard, Erica.
I can't make the toaster toast faster.
Hey, I sense an un-chillness in the air,
when I, in fact, demand
a fully formed chillness.
Mm. It's those two, babe.
They did this to the air.
Why are you guys even here?
We realized that when you
move into your own place,
your parents don't buy
food for you anymore.
So, we're eliminating the
middle man and stocking up.
Is the middle man the supermarket,
where you'd buy your own food?
Bingo! It's the only
downside about our new place.
It's been like a
second honeymoon for us.
- You guys aren't married.
- Then a first honeymoon.
You guys aren't married.
Barry, don't flaunt the
fact that our relationship
has gone to a new level in their faces.
- It really has.
- Mm-hmm.
I mean, that apartment is like a cocoon
tucked away from all the
disturbances of this house
to make space for our passion.
Or, as The B-52s would call it,
a love shack.
And from now on, not just that song,
but all music is ruined forever.
Don't deny something that's
perfectly natural, Geoff.
Every night and every day,
your sister and I stuff
ourselves at the buffet of love.
[gags]
Just let the toast burn.
Let the whole place burn.
- We can't be here any longer.
- Come on.
The most important
thing in a relationship
is to make time for each other.
We tried that, but this house is a zoo,
and the animals are my family.
Yes, it's well-established,
we're the worst.
Wait a minute. Babe, are you
thinking what I'm thinking?
Five. No. Twelve.
It's not a number,
it's the Secunda Hotel.
- Of course.
- Uh-huh.
Joanne just helped the concierge
work out a few legal issues,
and he gifted us a free night.
And we'd like to re-gift it to
you guys for your anniversary.
What? That's so nice of you.
Our lives are going
so well, dear sister.
We must spread our joy
to the less fortunate.
- Is it seven?
- Yes.
- Aah!
- Aah!
- Grab the bagels.
- Okay.
[adult Adam] With that,
Erica and Geoff tried again
to reboot their fire for each
other with a romantic hotel getaway.
- [knock at door]
- Coming, my sexy wife!
I think you're really
gonna like the accommodat
Sorry I'm late. I had to swing home.
Oh, uh, I see that, but why
did you bring our daughter?
Don't get me wrong, big fan.
I just couldn't leave her.
Well, she is the best.
Aren't you?
Look how amazing this room is.
Ooh, and how comfy that bed looks.
It does, doesn't it? Doesn't it?
Here's a thought.
Why don't you put down our girl,
and I'm gonna take a quick
catnap on this bad boy,
and then you and I, mister,
are gonna get on the train to Sexy Town.
Well, punch my ticket, 'cause
I'm all aboard. Choo-choo!
- Uh, babe?
- [snoring]
Fun.
[adult Adam] As Erica and
Geoff's getaway hit a snag,
I was stuck on the idea
that Pop-Pop and I
shared the same interests.
What's the matter, light of my loins?
You haven't touched your Boo Berry.
I just can't get over it.
Pop-Pop loves sci-fi, too.
I just wish he would talk about it.
Well, I guess your Pop-Pop couldn't
handle that publisher's rejection.
My whole life has been people
making fun of me and bullying me,
but I don't run away.
Unless the bully is an
above-average-size person,
or an average-size person,
or a tiny-but-aggressive person.
You never know what
those people will do.
Remember, Schmoo, Pop-Pop
didn't have something
that the Goldberg
kids were blessed with.
- A diet of oddly cheesed meats?
- Me.
He had to face his defeats
with no support system.
Maybe you can connect with
Pop-Pop by encouraging him.
But I can't do what you do,
especially not for someone as
defensive and awful as Pop-Pop.
I am the greatest ego booster
in the history of mankind,
and I can teach you.
Now, you read the sample
pages from Pop-Pop's book.
What did you think about them?
They were okay.
Okay or good?
I guess he showed some promise.
Then that's what you seize on.
You have to BEV.
- BEV?
- You build their confidence,
enable their self-delusions,
and value them over every
other person on earth.
Now, you said Pop-Pop's
writing showed some promise.
Instead, why not say
he's the greatest imagineer
the world has ever seen?
- But that isn't true.
- Well, who cares about true?
You're helping someone
get over their fear.
Now, pretend I'm Pop-Pop. Go.
Um, Pop-Pop, the beginning
of this book was fun.
Wrong! It wasn't fun.
It was the greatest literary
thrill ride the world has ever seen.
Seems a bit over the top.
Now, what does Pop-Pop love
even more than science fiction?
Sticking it to people?
Which brings us to "V,"
value him over other people.
"Pop-Pop, your writing isn't just good,
it makes Hemingway look
like an illiterate boob."
You're saying lie to
him about how great he is
in order to create a
false state of confidence,
like you do with Barry.
Um, yeah, yeah, like I do with Barry
and no other child.
- Right.
- Just Barry.
- Just Barry.
- Just Barry.
It's weird how you keep saying Barry.
Only Barry.
[adult Adam] And so, armed with my
mom's confidence-bolstering scheme,
I approached my grandfather.
- What you up to there, Pop-Pop?
- The obituaries.
I outlived Mervin Silver.
Tell me I'm cheating at bocce now.
Fun! So, listen.
- I was thinking about your sci-fi novel.
- I don't want to talk about it.
Those pages, they
don't just show promise,
they may be the greatest examples
of science-fiction writing since Asimov.
You think I'm supposed to hop to
my feet and act like a big shot
because my dopey grandson's
blowing smoke up my keister?
I just thought you'd want to stick it
in that publisher's face.
How would I do that?
First, you'd have to finish the book
and show them how fantastic it could be.
Then, when the whole
world holds you aloft
as the best science-fiction
writer of all time
Yeah, yeah, yeah?
you'd send them the reviews
with a big note in red marker
that says, "You blew it, loser!"
With a few horrible
things about his wife.
Yoo-hoo, wouldn't that
be something? [chuckles]
Y Y You really think I'm good?
I think you've got it all!
You mean I have pizzazz?
Pizz and azz all over the place.
[chuckles] What? Me? Think of that.
[adult Adam] While I was
lifting my grandpa to the clouds,
Erica was just crashing
down to Earth from dreamland.
[yawns] Oh, man.
Mama needed that catnap real bad.
All right. Well, sexy time.
Let's do this.
- Nope.
- What do you mean, "Nope"?
It's showtime. Romance. Come on.
- Uh-uh.
- Oh, playing hard to get?
Pretty boy needs to be
wined and dined, huh?
Well, what do you say we
order some room service,
pop in a Sade cassette,
light some candles, and
Why is it daytime?
- You've been asleep for 14 hours.
- What? No!
During our romantic getaway,
I was up all night with Muriel
while my wife was
snoozing like the dead.
No, no, no, no, no. Come on, baby.
We still have time, don't we?
- [knock on door]
- [woman] Housekeeping!
We just need four minutes!
- You're already a late checkout, ma'am.
- [mouthing]
Okay, three minutes. Lock Muriel in
the bathroom and let's get going, Geoff.
No. You know I can't perform
when you put a clock on me.
Remember that time at the Wawa,
when I was supposed to pick a
candy bar because they were closing,
and I left with a Chunky with raisins?
- Who's that for?
- [knock on door]
Oh, fine! We're coming!
At least steal all the towels, Geoff.
[adult Adam] My mom's
plan to instill Pop-Pop
with a writer's confidence
had gone swimmingly.
Nice hat, Pop-Pop.
Oh, this ain't no hat. It's a fedora.
Ooh, like Paula Abdul wears.
- So the writing's going okay?
- Big time.
Plus, I looked up that guy who
sent me the rejection letter.
It turns out he's dead.
And his wife died 20 years before him,
so he's been completely
alone all those years.
- That's incredibly sad.
- You bet.
Oh, I know I don't say
this often enough,
Adam, but, uh, you're my grandson.
Thank you for that
basic acknowledgement.
So, when can I have a
look at this masterpiece?
Oh, you mean show it to
people? Uh, I'm not sure.
You know, I just started
a writers' group recently.
Writers' group?
Yeah, it's just a few literary-minded
folks from the neighborhood.
We meet up to offer each other
encouragement and
constructive criticism.
If I don't share my gift with these
schmucks, it'd be, uh, selfish, no?
Well, that's not really the
spirit of the group, but
Uh, my book will be a welcome treat
to the dreck that these
losers would write.
Again, I'm in the group.
And, uh, thanks again grandson.
That's what I always was to you.
But glad you're up for it!
- [adult Adam] I was BEVing like a pro.
- Yes!
Meanwhile, my sister and Geoff
stopped by Barry
and Joanne's to steal
back some groceries.
I'm sorry. It's just, we never
get any time together alone.
- That's because we never actually are.
- Exactly.
Why can't we just get one second
where it's just the two of us?
[adult Adam] Which was precisely
where they found themselves.
Barry's in class all day.
- And Joanne's in court.
- [quirky music playing]
[adult Adam] Sure, it
was their siblings' home,
but all that mattered was that
Erica and Geoff were alone.
Meanwhile, my writers' group had
filled our empty pages with words.
[Glascott] "Madam President says,
'For a Secret Service
agent, you talk too much.
'Now, put down that
bazooka and kiss me.'"
- Oh!
- Wow.
Super fun, Mr. Glascott. Loved it.
Thank you, Matt Bradley.
It felt good to get it
down to a lean 207 pages.
Okay, who's next?
Ooh, I am.
Uh, now, my prior greeting card poems
have focused only on Christmas,
but I'm expanding my horizons.
So this one's about Advent Sunday.
Instead of boring these
folks with Jesus or whoever,
why don't we give them
a real adventure story?
Pop-Pop, we keep it democratic
by randomly selecting the order.
No, it's fine, Adam. I'll just
wait a few more agonizing moments
wondering if I'm good enough.
- Go ahead, Ben.
- [Pop-Pop clears throat]
"It was hour one of the invasion."
[adult Adam] And so, Pop-Pop gave
us a taste of his latest work.
But what BL Goldberg cooked up
wasn't a new sci-fi masterpiece.
Nope, turns out my grandpa
just wrote a super-graphic
alien sex romp.
Well, that was spectacular. Hmm?
- It's interesting.
- So interesting.
I concur on the interesting.
Well, I have a question.
- Why was it so filthy?
- Filthy?
You know, all the very explicit
and unrelenting sexual imagery.
Well, aliens, they really get after it.
It seems they do nothing else.
Is Earth just one big bed to them?
Well, it's a foxy planet.
You gotta admit it.
See, our sun cooks their loins
and puts them into a frenzy.
No, no, no. I remember those 30 pages,
but the plot just seems to fall away.
What happened to the
astronauts from the beginning?
They died from Bazoomba-Boomba.
And Bazoomba-Boomba is?
- Rigorous Martian love.
- [Glascott] Mm.
Our carbon-based bodies
couldn't take the friction.
- Interesting.
- So interesting.
I love how interesting it is.
Oh, I see what this
is. This is a hit job.
We're just asking questions.
Questions like why and how
and who wants to hear about
"a green-skinned broad with a skirt so
short you can use it as an eyepatch"?
I actually liked that part.
All right, all right.
You want to dig in, huh?
Your thing about this guy that works
in the dungaree shop is idiotic!
The only thing he thinks
about is folding jeans.
It's a metaphor for control
in a chaotic universe.
And your story about
this middle-aged broad
that flirts with the young
man in your writers' group
and works at the Gap is
clearly about you and this one.
I wondered why Brad
Mattley sounded so familiar.
- No.
- And your action picture? It's boring.
As in "boring into your
skull with excitement"?
- As in crappy.
- Pop-Pop, please stop.
And you're the worst of all.
You lied to me, told me how good I was
so these jerks could take their
cheap shots at me? Thanks a lot.
[Virginia gasps]
Well, who wants to get a
drink to clear their heads?
Just you, Matt?
[adult Adam] While Pop-Pop was
feeling like I had betrayed him,
Erica and Geoff were
finding any excuse they could
to continue their secret tryst.
And I mean any excuse.
Pop-Pop wants his baby
teeth from the apartment?
- [chuckles] Sure. Why not?
- [quirky music playing]
You both simultaneously got jury duty?
- Guilty.
- Guilty.
- Say no more. Bye!
- Bye!
A couple's dentist appointment?
Hmm. Sounds fun.
- This was a perfect plan.
- [keys jingle, door rattles]
Oh, my God!
They've returned to their
own home for some reason!
I'm gonna get caught with my wife!
You know, it's funny, but I feel like,
today, I became a parent.
Definitely better than Erica and Geoff.
After all, Muriel crawled
for the first time, to you.
- [both] What?
- Aah!
What the crap are you doing in here?
Not important. Did you just say
that Muriel crawled to Barry?
Why are you wearing our sheets?
We missed the first time
our daughter crawled?
She sure did.
To me, of all people.
Why is your hair all mussy?
Were you break dancing?
Uh, y yes?
Totally. Just poppin' and lockin'.
Wait a minute. Have you two
been getting busy in our bed?
In fairness, it was rarely in the bed.
- I can't believe this happened.
- This is your fault.
What? It's yours!
You're too damn
beautiful. I can't resist.
You're the hot one.
Toned and muscly and
sensuous, all in one.
I never feel as safe as
when I'm in your arms.
Your magazine-cover good looks make
me feel like I'm capable of anything.
What is happening?
They hate how attracted
they are to each other.
- All right, let's all calm down.
- Whew.
Neither of you are as physically
appealing as me and Joanne.
We were so selfish,
we missed one of the greatest
moments of Muriel's life.
I guess we're just gonna
have to focus on being parents
and give up on being a couple.
So, how was your couple's
dentist appointment?
[adult Adam] Thanks to me, Pop-Pop
shared his writing with the world.
The world did not share his enthusiasm.
Bev, I shall be eating downstairs,
as I see no one here I care to eat with.
[Beverly] Ben, stop.
You can't go the rest of
your life not talking to Adam.
You underestimate my spite muscles.
The truth is, I'm the one
who pushed Adam into this.
I thought you two having something
in common would bring you together,
and I'm the one who suggested
he bend the truth about your work.
A-ha! So it was all lies!
Well, both of you successfully
made a jackass of me.
Okay, well, you're not
the only one because, Adam,
I occasionally lied to you, too.
Lied to me? About what?
Sweetheart, I've been telling you
you are a film-making genius
since you were eight years old.
Did it ever occur to you I might be
stretching the truth a little bit?
What are you talking about?
I'm a prodigy.
Every one of your friends
said so through gritted smiles.
Let's be honest.
Everything you did couldn't have
been the home run I said it was.
Are you telling me I'm not a genius
whose words have been translated
into 400 different languages?
Let me put this in Spanish: No.
So, was a highway not named in my honor?
That's just Interstate 95.
Was my work not put on the space shuttle
and sent to the great beyond
so other civilizations
could appreciate it?
It's in that drawer.
My whole life is a lie.
Both of you, sit down.
Adam, I sometimes
wasn't truthful with you,
but doing anything worthwhile
makes you vulnerable.
And isn't it easier to
have the support of someone
who loves and believes in you?
But did you believe in me?
I've always believed in you, Schmoo,
even when I thought you
needed to grow a little.
The important thing
was you were enjoying
your creativity until you got there.
And, Ben, weren't you
enjoying writing again?
Is that the most terrible
thing Adam could have given you?
I guess I enjoyed talking
spaceships and robots with the kid.
And I really do think
your book has promise.
There's a really good story in there,
if you just make it a little
less terrifyingly sexual.
- What's this, now?
- I can do that
for the best grandson in the world.
- Hey, that's pretty nice.
- ["In Between Days" playing]
Heh.
- How are you guys doing?
- Fine.
Besides the fact that we're
never leaving our baby again.
Look, even though we
had a taste of the joy
of being parents today,
we can't say we understand
how hard this is for you both.
But one thing we do know
If you don't also make
time for each other,
you're not gonna be happy.
Because two unhappy parents
makes for one unhappy kid.
So, maybe you have to
miss a few magic moments
to make sure you can
give this little cutie
the happy parents she deserves.
- [Joanne] Hm.
- Wow.
Did you two just give us
great parenting advice?
Well, someday, we plan on being
even better parents than you.
Even though that's gonna
be nearly impossible.
Does this mean we can use your
apartment for our alone time?
- Ugh, Jesus.
- Oh, God, no.
- All right, I'm done.
- Geoff, you ruined it.
[adult Adam] Sometimes, the
hustle and bustle of our lives
can make us forget to
connect with each other,
which is why it's so great
when we uncover new ways
to make our connections even stronger.
'Cause when we make
time for those we love,
there's no telling how
great the story can turn out.
Okay, Mrs. Kremp, you're up.
Well, I couldn't stop thinking
about Ben's erotic tale,
so I thought I would try my
hand at the steamy genre myself.
- Smoke break.
- Oh. Okay.
There's more space now,
if you want to slide over.
I'm good. This is the
last time I'm attending.
[clears throat] "Charlene
had known Roderick
since they shared a
smile at summer camp.
"But everything changed the
day he came to fix her sink.
"His fully-clothed body
just inches from her fully-clothed body,
he pressed his bare hand into hers.
"It was electric with
respect and friendship."
But what happened to the leaky sink?