Two and a Half Men s10e19 Episode Script

Okay, salute the sun.
Deep cleansing breath.
Release your negative energy.
Oh, I'd better not.
The only thing holding me together is negative energy.
And into downward dog.
Knees straight.
Extend your hips.
I'm trying, I'm trying.
I can't I can't straighten my legs.
All right.
Let me just help you out here.
That's it.
That's it.
Just let it go.
Let it go.
Shall I light some candles and put on some music? We're doing yoga.
It's none of my business-- just put a towel down.
Oh, Berta, that's the doorbell.
Heard it-- not getting it.
Yeah, I'll get it.
I need a break anyway.
It's only been five minutes.
Uh, not the first time I've heard that.
Hey, Al.
Oh, hey, Herb, what brings you by? Oh, you, uh, left your wallet at my house.
I didn't even notice it was missing.
Really? It's been over a week.
Hard to notice something's missing when you never use it.
Well, thank you.
Oh, no problem.
Hey, I want to apologize for my behavior lately.
I've been in a real dark place since Judith left.
No apologies necessary.
Uh, the important thing is you're feeling better.
Well, I'm not putting her nightgown on a pillow and spooning it anymore so, uh, yeah, coming out of the darkness.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Wh-what is it? Is it your back? No, it's my front.
I need a Doctor.
Right here.
No, a real doctor.
Right here, right here.
Where does it hurt? Uh, it's my balls.
Oh.
I'm gonna have to stick my hands down your pants.
For once I'm glad I didn't make it into medical school.
Make it stop, make it stop.
Ooh.
A little swampy down here.
I wasn't expecting company.
Oh, oh, I see.
You've got a twist in your spermatic chord.
I'm gonna have to perform a manual detorsion on your testes.
What does that mean? Your nuts are in a knot-- I need to untie them.
No, no, no.
Look, it's either that or your blood supply'll be cut off.
You might lose a testicle.
Go, man, go.
Uh, remember, rigthy tighty, lefty loosey.
This reminds me of the summers of my youth.
I used to pick peaches on my Will you just do it?! Ah, that feels good.
Ah, I love you, Herb.
We're gonna need a code word so I stop walking in on this stuff.
Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men Ah.
Men.
Got the ice.
It's crushed.
Kind of like your balls.
That is the worst pain I've ever experienced.
Says the only guy in this room who wasn't married to Judith.
There you go.
Whoa! And just like that, I'm a grower, not a shower.
I know it's uncomfortable but you need to ice the soreness for 20 minutes every couple hours and avoid sudden movements.
How did this happen? Well, imagine your testicles hanging like wind chimes.
Most days they sway gently and you hear a beautiful melody.
Other days the wind kicks up and, uh, they get twisted and it sounds like a washing machine full of cowbells.
Am I gonna be okay? Oh, yeah, don't worry, but just to make sure you should stop by my office tomorrow.
We'll do an ultrasound.
Why do you need an ultrasound in a pediatrician's office? Well, when a kid swallows a Matchbox car, you need to know whether it's gonna drive out on its own or has to be airlifted.
Well, good news.
Everything looks completely normal.
And speaking as a medical professional, your junk is extraordinary.
Uh, thank you.
I didn't know whether to examine it or feed it a peanut.
Okay, I'm gonna I'm gonna put my clothes on now.
You should avoid strenuous activity and I'd, uh, like to schedule a follow-up in a couple weeks.
Sounds good.
Hey, while you're here, uh, can I ask you a little personal advice? You had my hands down my pants on two separate occasions.
If you were a woman, I'd be meeting your parents now.
Well, you've been dumped a lot, right? No.
I mean, what's "a lot"? I Yes, I have.
How did you get over your wife leaving you? You know the five stages of grief? Sure.
They left out the three best ones-- pot, one-night stands and buying a beach house.
I don't know, I'm not sure that's me.
You can't just sit around feeling sorry for yourself.
I'm getting so good at it.
Well, it gets better.
You just got to get out there and meet somebody new.
It's tough-- Judith and I were together a long time.
I get it.
She was your world.
But trust me.
You will meet someone else to spend the rest of your life with.
In my case it was Alan.
Yeah, I'm surrounded by sick kids all day.
Where am I gonna meet someone? You just got to keep your heart and your eyes open.
Who are they? Oh, they're pharmaceutical reps.
They come by and give away free drugs.
Yeah, where are you gonna meet someone? Okay, I got a good feeling about this one.
This is my house.
Okay, Mr.
Driver, we're good.
Bye-bye.
Ladies, I must warn you that once you cross this threshold you waive your right to sobriety, chastity, dignity, and a couple other "ity-ties.
" Waived.
Yeah, me, too.
Oh, wow.
This is so cool.
Oh, my God, I can't believe this is happening.
Oh, it's happening.
Okay.
What's the plan-- are we, uh, are we two twosomes? Or a foursome? Or do you want to have a threesome with them while I watch? 'Cause I'm fine with that.
I'm not.
Oh, okay, I'll just take the tall one.
Which one's the tall one? I got this.
Okay, ladies.
Alcohol is this way.
We don't want anyone sobering up and thinking things through.
Hey, Alan! Hey, uh, uh, who are your friends? Oh, this is Plaxitril and she sells Kristen.
No, no, no, I'm Kristen.
I sell Plaxitril.
I'm pretty sure it's the other way around.
It's, uh, it's nice to meet you, Kristen.
Oh, and this is Morgan.
I sell boner pills and baby laxatives.
And I'm Herb.
Hi, Herb.
Yes, I am.
Okay.
Salt, check, uh Limes, check.
Tequila, check.
Two gorgeous ladies.
Check.
Check.
The doctor's ready to administer some shots.
Some body shots.
Well I guess I am gonna masturbate tonight.
Hey, did I tell you that I was a gymnast? You're kidding.
Nope.
I was an alternate for the Olympic team.
I can totally put both of my legs behind my head.
Watch.
U.
S.
A.
! I can't do that, but I can put my entire fist in my mouth.
Check it out.
Beautiful and talented.
Thank you.
Yup, definitely masturbating.
Hey, Alan! Hey, uh, you guys having fun? Yeah, I was just getting more tequila.
How are you? I'm good.
Just watching Downton Abbey.
Big episode.
Someone stole a spoon.
Walden, get the video camera! Aw, good idea.
There's gonna be a video.
Hey, Alan? Do you got any Crisco? Um Uh, there's some olive oil by the stove.
That'll work.
Have you seen my bra? Uh, uh, no.
Your son hid it somewhere.
I'm sorry, my son? Yeah, Walden.
Hey, Alan.
Have you seen Plaxitril? Men.
Morning.
Hey, what's that for? You can't carry a toilet bowl.
Are you drunk or hungover? Yes.
What happened last night? A lot of gray areas.
There was tequila.
A walk on the beach.
And then the coast guard escorted our boat back to shore.
Wait, your boat? Well, not technically.
I commandeered it.
Apparently Plaxitril has a pirate side effect.
Top of the morning to you.
How are you in such a good mood? Three pills, two pukes and a poo and I'm good to go.
You know what? You were right.
I can't sit around feeling sorry for myself.
Last night was a revelation for me.
I have never felt so alive.
Which is ironic, because I believe for a few minutes last night I was legally dead.
Now who wants a Bloody Mary? I'll have one.
Don't judge me.
You stole a boat.
Attaboy.
How about you, Walden? I don't think I can have any more alcohol.
I don't think I can have any more alcohol.
Man up.
I didn't fix those nuts so you could grow a vagina.
All right, I'll have one.
Attagirl.
Alan? Wha? What time is it? Is the sun going up or dow Not a clue.
What the hell? Hey! Look who finally woke up.
What's going on? We're having a party.
How?! Well, Morgan and Kristen came over.
I sent out a couple tweets.
I posted a couple pictures on Instagram.
Bing-bang-boom, here we are.
I chat on AOL a lot.
Okay, I think we need to shut this down.
Yeah, yeah, we're fried.
Oh, here, these'll fix you up.
Are you a pharmaceutical rep, too? No.
I'm a junior at Pepperdine.
Pepperdine's a good school.
Wow.
This looks like Charlie Sheen's house.
Alan.
Alan, wake up.
Pepperdine is not a good school.
Why am I face down on the back of the sofa in my underwear? Because I was kind enough to put underwear on you.
How did this happen? Herb.
Oh, that guy's out of control.
This house is a mess.
Maybe I should I just cut my losses and sell it.
Don't even joke like that.
Oh, Berta, thank God you're here.
Aw, hell no.
Men.
Th-This was a very good idea.
Yeah.
It's like an adult diaper for your mouth.
Uh! Wow.
Swimming in the ocean is the best cure for a hangover.
Well, that and pharmaceutical cocaine.
Time to have the talk? Yeah.
Hey, Herb, you got a sec? Sure.
You're gonna have to come to us.
What's up? Alan has something he wants to tell you.
You know, you know, Herb, we-we, we think you're a lot of fun.
Yeah, the last few weeks have been a blast.
It's been two days.
Oh, good Lord.
I guess what we're saying is maybe it's time to get back to our regular lives.
My regular life sucks.
No, it doesn't.
You're-you're just upset because Judith left you.
Yeah.
And I haven't thought about her at all the last two days.
Or weeks.
Whichever we agreed is real.
And-and that's great, but, you know, we just we have to slow down a bit.
Yeah, just take a break.
You know, get back to normal.
You know, sleep, eat, bathe.
Pass a field sobriety test.
Wait.
Are you kicking me out? Oh, no Uh, uh No, we're not kicking you out so much as Yeah, we're kicking you out.
I see.
I mean, it's nothing personal.
Just, you know, sometimes Yes, it's personal.
Well, say no more.
I know when it's time to go.
I'm-I'm sorry, Herb.
I said say no more! Oh, hey.
I got new trash cans.
They're wicker.
What's the problem? You can't puke in wicker.
It's like using a mesh condom.
All the important stuff gets through.
Fine.
I'll return them.
Of course, I'll need to hold onto your credit card for a few more days.
Of course you will.
Hey, you haven't talked to Herb lately, have you? No.
I texted him a couple days ago, but he never responded.
Hmm.
I called him, invited him over for dinner and I never heard back.
Hmm.
You think he's okay, right? Yeah.
Why wouldn't he be? Exactly.
I mean, you know, other than the fact that his marriage just fell apart.
And the last time we saw him he was counteracting pharmaceutical cocaine by snorting cat tranquilizers.
And then we go kick him out.
Oh, my God, we killed Herb.
No, no, that's not true.
You killed Herb.
It's pretty cool that you can track somebody from their credit card.
Yeah.
I'd track you if you ever used one.
Alan, Walden, what are you doing here? We were worried about you.
No need.
Me and the girls were just about to eat.
Lobster? No.
You're still partying with the pharmaceutical reps? They bailed.
These chicks came with the room.
Okay, Herb, it's time for the party to end.
We're way past partying.
Welcome to the freak show! You're right about that! Herb, you need help.
No, no, I don't.
All I need is more Plaxitril and possibly a hepatitis test.
So long.
And we were worried.
Well, if it isn't Mr.
and Mrs.
Buzzkill.
You're the Mrs.
Why are you wearing a diaper? Saves time.
All right, enough is enough, Herb.
It's time to put your life back together.
You need to go home.
I don't think so.
You see, out there, I'm just Herb, but here in room 204 at the Budget Motor Inn I'm God.
And nobody tells God what to do.
Nobody! Judith? Cut the crap, Herb.
Let's go.
Okay.
I missed you.
Shut up! You think we did the right thing? Oh, definitely.
If he would have kept this up, he wouldn't have lasted a week.
True.
Now he'll only be dead on the inside.
Walk, walk, walk.
Was that sheep wearing lipstick? Don't look back.
Men.
Well, everything still looks fine.
No more follow-ups? Nope.
Dumbo's good to go.
So how are things with you? Oh, could not be better.
I really appreciate what you and Alan did for me.
That's what friends are for.
Plus, Judith and I are back together.
I'm a happy man, Walden.
Nice.
Come in.
Dr.
Melnick? Here's that chart you asked for.
Thank you.
Isn't that the girl from Pepper Shh.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.