Beverly Hills, 90210 (1990) s10e20 Episode Script
Ever Heard the One About the Exploding Father?
[CRYlNG.]
- She's been crying for hours.
- It's been 35 minutes.
Honey, sweetie, I need you to unlock the door.
I'm gonna do it, Steve.
I'm gonna pick her up.
No, no, no, no.
Chapter 7, page 1 1 4.
Hold on, hold on.
"To learn to sleep without being held or rocked the child must be gradually weaned from the behaviour.
' [GRUNTS.]
She needs me, Steve, and you're being a big meanie.
Don't make me the bad guy.
Ryan already made me the bad guy.
Ryan is 1 9 and if he can't sleep he can get up and watch TV.
He used to read books.
He used to be a straight A student.
Now he's a college dropout.
What happened? Ask him.
Can I trust you to wait here? Yeah right.
Come on.
So where you been, Ryan? Out.
Do you know what a big decision this is? Do you know what you're missing out on? - An education.
- And frat parties, four-day weekends and geographically confined co-eds, huh? Huh? Something going on here I don't know about? In Steve's own incredibly peculiar way, he's just trying to help.
That's right.
That's why you and l should sit down, write a letter to the dean and explain the situation.
What do you think? I think Maddy's crying.
Why do you say we go get something to eat? No, it's better if we stay put.
You know I've been in the witness protection programme for seven years.
I've been under the thumb of a U.
S.
Marshal.
- So I understand feeling trapped.
- I saw your life, Jack.
I saw your house.
It looks a lot cosier than the, uh, urn I picked out for you.
Was I supposed to see the explosion? Is that how it works? I walked to the car.
An FBl agent grabbed me, threw me in a van.
- I didn't know where or when.
- You knew you were leaving.
You had to give them some kind of information to make a deal.
They gave me a chance and I took it, yes.
But it meant walking away from every part of my life, including you.
- So why are you here? - Because you came after me.
- Christine Pettit tell you that? - No, Kelly called me.
And I'm glad she did because it gives me a chance to tell you how sorry I am, Dylan.
- Look, I only have a few days.
- You got less than that.
Get out.
I sent the press kit to every publication on this list.
Well, how many people RSVP'd? Uh, these editors have confirmed and question marks are maybes.
Cool.
Hmm, I hope you've been on the phone promising favours.
What kind of favours? Free clothes, uh, Laker games, dinners poolside at the Mondrian.
Uh, I don't know about that.
They'll show up for the clothes, not because of favours.
I just got a call from WTRL in New York.
They wanna fly me out tonight for an interview.
David, that's amazing.
- How long has it been in the works? - It hasn't.
I guess, uh, a producer was in town, he heard my show on the radio in the car.
I don't know.
I'm set up tonight at 1 0:00 to fly on the red eye.
- Why has that happened so fast? - I don't know.
Um, I gotta pack, all right, but, uh, I'll call you in like an hour.
Wish me luck.
We'll meet about 7 and give you a sendoff.
- See you at the club.
- Wow! New York.
- It's far, huh? - We've been together a month.
If he gets this job, we're finished.
As far as I can tell, it seems like a simple breach of contract.
Well, it felt more like a breach birth.
Breach, breach That's very good.
So, Mr.
Durka, the club owner, signed you up for a six-week stint and you only performed one night? Yeah.
Ever been to the Chuckle Factory? That's longer than most roaches stick around.
Bing! Where'd they go? Heh.
Uh, Durka said that I cost him all of his two-drink minimums and canned me.
It doesn't matter if everyone left, he signed the agreement.
We'll get you the cash.
The crowd was so horrible we should counter-sue for combat pay.
- Whoa! Careful.
- People have no idea, do they? What goes on with the spotlights, the sweaty hands, the heckling? Who told you what goes on in my bedroom? Get out of here, heh.
Heh, point is, you are an artist.
And your craft should be respected.
- You had one bad night, so what? - I wouldn't call it a bad night.
It was more like comedius interruptus.
Bup.
There may not have been a laugh but no one has the right to fire you - because they say you stink.
- Heh.
Talent is subjective.
Ask my mother.
She's a blind housepainter.
Boink! Right.
Hey.
I left you two messages.
You were there, right? I mean, I chose not to contact my father.
You knew my decision.
- Dylan-- - Answer me.
You're mad.
I knew you would be.
And I don't blame you.
Yeah, well, I'm glad you're at peace with it.
- Is he here in town? - He's at some motel.
- Then why don't you go see him? - Because if I wanted to see him I would have knocked on his door when we were in Arizona.
You got scared of something you want too much.
Dylan, he's your father.
He is risking his life to see you again.
Yeah, after seven years.
I've seen what those years have done.
Then you should know it's not gonna be fixed in a week.
- And that's how long he is here.
- Your life can change in a second.
Just go to him, Dylan.
Tell him everything you've ever wanted to tell him.
Even if it's just goodbye.
[DANCE MUSlC PLAYlNG.]
Bartender, can l? Excuse me, can l? Hello, heh.
- Am I invisible? - Hardly.
Well, get the bartender's attention and you'll be my new favourite person.
Really? - Noah? - Ryan.
How you doing, man? What's going on? What's up? What can I get you? Whatever the lady here desires.
- Two red wines.
- Got it.
Who are you? I'm Ryan, your new favourite person.
[CHUCKLES.]
- I'm Sheila.
- Hi, Sheila.
My friends and I have a table over in the corner, if you'd like to stop by.
Yeah.
Yeah.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Two red wines, here you go.
No, no, no.
No friend of Ryan's pays for a drink here.
[CHUCKLES.]
Definitely stop by.
Okay.
I guess if you know the bartender you move to the head of the class, huh? [CHUCKLES.]
That's right.
When are you going back to Amherst? - Uh, I'm not.
- Really? Hmm.
What are you gonna do? - We're still waiting over here.
- Uh-- The barback called in sick.
He's got a tattoo infection.
- Appealing and hygienic, huh? - Right.
Hey, Noah, if you need someone to help out around here.
How hard is it to hand us a couple beers? - Can you handle that? - Piece of cake.
All right, you got a job.
Get back here.
I put in a call to Jane Thayer at the L.
A.
Chronicle about the party.
Actually, Jane's assistant RSVP'd.
Oh, she constantly double-books.
Trust me.
I was her researcher at Verve.
Yeah, I know, you said that a few times.
I have contacts you can use.
- Are we all on the same team? - Yeah, we, uh, appreciate your help.
- We do.
- Excuse me.
There is something so know-it-all about that girl.
- Doesn't it bug you just a little? - No, not at all.
[CHUCKLES.]
MATT: They got the physical thing, but see, what makes or breaks a relationship is humour.
Mm.
Then why are we still together? [ALL LAUGH.]
Oh, boy.
Okay, hold on a sec.
I got a joke.
I got a joke.
Here we go.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Uh, this drunk goes before a judge, right.
[ALL CHUCKLE.]
The judge says, "Hey, you've been brought here for drinking.
' Heh.
And the drunk says, "Okay, when do we get started?" [MATT CHUCKLES.]
Okay, we're dancing now.
- Thank you.
- I'll be right back.
All right.
- Hi.
- Hello.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
You know what I was just thinking about? Do you how enormous our phone bills are gonna be if you move to New York? [SlGHS.]
Yeah, you know what? If I do actually get a job there I'm sure it will end up being the late, late shift.
So I probably won't be able to call you from the office.
- We can e-mail each other.
- Yeah? Um - Has Camille said anything to you? - Oh, yeah, yeah.
She's worried it's too soon for a long-distance relationship.
Well, she's probably right.
Heh, maybe I'll ask her to move to New York with me.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
- Hi.
- Hey.
You okay? [KNOCKlNG ON DOOR.]
Went to a church once in Rome and I prayed for you.
Seemed pointless.
I didn't wanna talk to God.
- I wanted to talk to you.
- I'm listening.
Well, you better step back because I'm pretty pissed.
[SlGHS.]
I don't know where to start.
Well, l, uh-- I heard you went to Europe.
When did you get back? What are you doing now? Easing into things.
Easing out.
It's hard.
[PHONE RlNGlNG.]
Go ahead.
Hello.
Hi, honey.
Everything's fine here.
No, it went well.
It did.
Listen, sweetheart, it's, uh, late.
I know.
I know, but, uh, you should get some sleep.
I'll be back in a day.
I love you too.
Bye.
Was that your wife? Lisa.
- What's your son's name? - Jack.
Your namesake.
Of course, not, uh, a lot of people know that.
- Does she? - Yes, she does.
I didn't tell her about this, though, because, uh, it was a risk.
- She'd have been frightened.
- So it's just a business trip? You told her you were a crook, in bed with the feds? Yeah.
Yeah, I did.
But you didn't tell her about me.
[SCOFFS.]
It's been a long time, Jack.
I forgot where your priorities are.
[MADDY WAlLlNG.]
STEVE: She won't eat.
She won't take her pacifier.
Maybe she's wet.
- She's exhausted.
- Mm.
By the time she cries herself out, she can't get enough sleep.
Well, you know, this is the right approach.
Right.
Like your approach to Ryan.
Higher education, looser women.
Four years of casual sex is a terrible thing to waste.
He'll get his degree.
That's the most important thing.
- Hey, close the club again? - All in a day's work.
And Noah gave me a job.
- You're working at the club? - Yep.
By the way, um, I'm crashing at Noah's until I get a place of my own.
[KNOCKlNG ON DOOR.]
Did you see your father? This is not a follow-up call you wanna make.
Believe me.
Ugh, listen, I know that it was difficult and awkward.
No, awkward is hearing your own father deny that you exist.
That's awkward.
Why don't you tell me what happened? I grieved over him for years.
I lost my wife.
Because I was filled with hatred and wanted revenge.
It was my life that ended when that car blew up, not his.
And you keep pushing me into that.
I'm just trying to-- [PHONE RlNGS.]
- Hello.
JACK [OVER PHONE.]
: Dylan, I need to talk to you.
Meet me at the beach tonight.
It's my father.
He wants me to meet him tonight.
Hey.
I thought Kelly was picking up the party supplies.
Um, yeah, but she had to go see Dylan and it was on my way, so Hmm.
Well, Jane Thayer called from the L.
A.
Chronicle.
She can't make it to the party, but I'll take her to lunch when she gets back from Paris.
Or you could just set it up for Kelly.
She is my publicist.
Donna, I do her a favour and all I get is attitude.
What's with her? [PHONE RlNGlNG.]
- Now Wear This.
DAVlD [OVER PHONE.]
: Hey, it's me.
Hi.
Um, uh, well, when's your big interview? They rescheduled for tomorrow.
- It's a bad sign, right? - No.
No.
Just means they had to reschedule, heh.
DAVlD: I'm supposed to have coffee with the producers in a few minutes.
Get the lay of the land, you know, so I don't make an ass of myself.
Well, they'd be lucky to have you.
I gotta go.
Um Well, thanks for calling.
And good luck with everything, and if you get a chance just call me later tonight.
DAVlD: Donna.
- Yeah? - Um, is Camille there? - Heh, sure, hold on.
- Sorry, it's David for you.
- Okay.
- Hi.
DAVlD: Hey.
- I miss you.
- I miss you too.
I'm just gonna - You'd love it here.
- I know.
The, uh, shows, the restaurants.
I think I'm a New York girl at heart.
If we were together I'm sure I'd find some way to keep warm.
Heh, good.
Yeah, that's the whole point.
The defence is free to call it's first witness.
The defence calls Stuart Patton.
Mr.
Patton, I must remind you that you are still sworn in.
Yes, sir.
Judge.
Mr.
Patton, why did my client hire you? - I am a stand-up comedian.
- The contract was for comedy.
And would you define comedy as any joke, satire or humourous performance designed to make people laugh? No, that would be the before and after pictures of Linda Tripp.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Uh, I guess so.
Yes.
LAWYER: Right.
We have a 1 2-member audience right here.
- Why don't you take your best shot? - Objection.
Your Honour, whether or not Mr.
Patton is funny is the central question in this case.
Mr.
Durning has doubts about his client? Overruled.
Mr.
Patton, one joke from your performance at the Chuckle Factory should be sufficient.
Sure, that's fine.
Hey, everybody.
Uh, so, um Theses two peanuts walk into a bar and one of them is accosted.
Shoot.
Um Is bothered Assaulted.
Your Honour, I'd like to move for a continuance.
[ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG.]
How do you do that? It's a trade secret, which I will trade you for your number.
- Call me.
- I will.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Yeah.
- Nice job perk.
Ryan, I think we should talk.
- About what? - About this.
- It's no life.
- Looks pretty good to me, man.
You know what I mean.
Ryan, you're too good for this.
Why don't you grab your stuff and come to the house? - He's okay with me.
- You're not helping me here, Noah.
- Look, Noah gave me a job.
- Yeah, but you're underage.
I'm a barback.
I can serve drinks.
I just can't pour them.
Which is what I do legally here at my job.
You know what? You can do whatever you wanna do, yet you choose to make gin and tonics.
I'm sorry, but that pisses me off.
It's my life, Steve.
My choice.
Get your stuff.
Steve, I don't wanna step on your toes-- Then don't.
You know what, Noah? This is my brother.
I don't want him to turn out like you.
So if you want company, go to an AA meeting.
So you're happy with the media responses to the party? - Oh, yeah.
You did a great job.
- Heh, tell it to Camille.
Does she think I can't write my own press releases? That I can't talk to editors? She just has her own opinions about what works.
- Very strong opinions just like you.
- Hmm, only opposite.
Which, by the way, makes you feel so comfortable, heh.
Look if she seems kind of pushy I know.
She certainly pushed her way into David's world.
Oh, look at that, I seem to have forgotten the salad dressing.
You know, after you broke up with Noah and Gina left, you and David started hanging out a lot.
Your point being? I noticed that he's not calling after midnight anymore.
Yeah, that's cause Camille asked him to.
She's right.
He really shouldn't be calling some ex-girlfriend at 2 in the morning.
Ex-girlfriend? Wow, I haven't heard you say that in a while.
- Usually you guys are just friends.
- We are.
Then she shouldn't be jealous, should she? No, she shouldn't.
I think she just knows I want what she has.
Which is a great guy.
It's just not David, heh.
Pretty serious guy.
Well, he's almost as talkative as you are.
- Look, what is it you want? - I want us to be together.
You're about seven years too late.
I know I made a thousand mistakes.
And this isn't fair to you.
But unfortunately, we don't have time for your justified anger to pass.
I just want you to consider this for a moment.
I just want-- Well, I can't.
You're here one minute, then you're gone again.
- I'm not gonna do that.
- That's not gonna happen again.
How am I ever supposed to believe you? [CAR APPROACHlNG.]
Because this time I'm willing to bet my life on it.
I'm leaving the witness protection programme or you're coming in.
- Those are the choices.
- It's time to go.
I saw the car.
It turned back out onto PCH.
It took its time going through the lot.
It also slowed near you.
Think about it.
Just think about it.
Sheila wants juice.
And you know what? I want whatever Sheila wants.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
What's this? Organic chemistry.
I found it in your stuff when I was cleaning up.
Guess what? I can't understand a word of it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Noah, you party all night and you hang out all day.
Trust me, buddy, you don't have to.
- Steve tells me you're a smart kid.
- Yeah.
Sheila wants juice.
Sheila gets juice.
Hey, I'm a genius.
Ryan? Your brother says you have a lot of opportunities right now.
I don't care if he's right or wrong.
I'm here to tell you I had a lot more.
Believe me.
And somewhere along the line, I got thrown off the road and never got back on track.
- What happened? - That's not important.
Yeah, it is.
- Noah, we're friends.
- Yeah, we are.
But your friend here gave up an lvy league education for what? For this? I told myself I'd go back after a year.
Guess what? I never did.
I want you to realise how important and permanent this decision can be for you, man.
[KNOCKlNG ON DOOR.]
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, Dad, people remember you here.
- Apple fritters from Stan's.
- Did you hear what I said? You keep coming here people are gonna recognise you.
Your little brother is gonna love Stans.
So you decided? I can't ask you to give everything up to be with me when I give nothing up to be with you.
Except your safety.
Guys I testified against are either dead or in jail.
I should be fine.
Should be? What about that car the other day? Looking for a place to park.
For that, he got the third degree.
By people who are supposed to protect you.
Any protection I'm getting now, we can afford to pay for ourselves.
I can be safe, free and in your life.
- What does your wife say about it? - I haven't told her yet.
I thought maybe you and me, we'd tell her together.
You'll like her, she's a good person.
What about Jack? What do we tell him? He's got a big brother.
Down the road he'll have questions, I'll answer them.
But he's 4.
In other year he'll have no memory of life without you.
- Just forget his past, huh? - If we work hard enough, we can forget ours.
I thought you said being funny didn't matter.
Legally it doesn't, but we're practising because a giggle or two can't hurt.
Okay? Now look at the bright side.
The jurors can't walk out on you.
Hey, guys? Can we hurry up? I got some work to do.
Come on.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Ladies and gentleman, Stuart Patton.
STUART: Thank you.
Thank you very much.
You're too kind.
I've been fighting this, uh, stage fright, you know.
I've been talking to a shrink about it.
The guy never says a word.
[CHUCKLES.]
And, um, so I said, uh, finally, "What do you think, doc?" And he says, "l think you're crazy.
' And I said-- Naturally, I said, um - Is he kidding? - Shh.
STUART: Um, ha, ha.
"I'd like a second opinion.
' And he says, "Okay.
' - "You're ugly too.
' Heh.
NOAH: Ha, ha.
- Sorry.
NOAH: Shh! That's right.
I wanna drop the case.
That's no joke.
Not that you could tell the difference.
Forget about this.
This was a bad idea.
You can't give up.
You still have a case.
Maybe, but it's clear I don't have a career.
[MADDY CRYlNG OVER BABY MONlTOR.]
Ryan's not gonna call.
You know that as well as I do.
He's gonna meet some girl, take her back to Noah, and I'm not gonna hear from him all night.
I can't stand this anymore.
How you think I feel? He's my brother.
Your brother's gonna be fine.
Your daughter, on the other hand, may be scarred for life.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
She's just testing us.
If you pick her up she's gonna stop crying.
- Because she'll be comforted.
- She's gotta learn to comfort herself.
- Steve, she's 1 6 weeks old.
- Right, right.
And if you go up there you're gonna be rocking her to sleep until she's 1 6 years old, okay? Look at Ryan.
The kid's off track.
The older you are the harder it is to get back centred again.
I don't want that happening to Maddy.
There's a picture of you in the senior yearbook in drag hanging upside down from the KEG house roof.
I got a lot of dates from that picture, ha, ha.
My point is you were on the idiot track.
I beg your pardon.
I was the president of the KEG house.
Okay, so you were the idiot in chief.
[SlGHS.]
But look at you now.
You're back on track, sort of.
Ryan will be too.
[CRYlNG CONTlNUES.]
I can't stand this anymore.
I'm going for a walk.
[PHONE RlNGS.]
- Hello.
DAVlD: Donna, I got it.
- You what? - I got the job.
Oh, my God.
That's unbelievable.
The station manager, this guy is just He's incredible.
I mean, we agreed on everything.
Oh, that is so great, completely deserved.
Hello? David? - Yeah.
- Where'd you go? It just hit me, that, um-- - That I'm moving.
- Yeah, you are.
- I'll miss you.
- I'll miss you too.
- So, um, what did Camille say? - I haven't told her yet.
Really? I just picked up the phone and dialled.
- Me, heh? - Yeah.
Well, maybe we should, um, hang up so you can call and tell her the great news.
Would you mind if, uh, we just talked a little more? No, not at all.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- How'd it go? - Um, really well.
- Yeah? - Yeah, I think, yeah.
- Good.
Good.
Tell me all about it.
- Listen, um, you did this for me.
I mean, I walked away, but you made it happen.
So, what's next? Well, he's gonna leave the programme.
- Really? Is that allowed? - Yeah.
Witness protection is a courtesy.
You can walk away any time.
It's also a precaution.
Aren't you worried? His testimony is pretty much old news.
And today we met with this private security firm.
And you would be amazed at the coverage money can buy.
What about his family? I mean, his other family.
We're gonna fly and see them tomorrow.
- I'm so happy for you.
- Yeah, and you know what? I'm just happy for the first time in a long time.
- That's good to hear.
- Yeah.
Thank you.
- I didn't do anything.
- You did everything.
And I don't know if I've mentioned it lately, but, um, Matt's a lucky guy.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Hey.
Ryan home? Yeah, he's still sleeping.
I left a message.
Actually, I left a message for the both of you.
I would have called you back, Steve, except I didn't wanna get lectured on how pathetic my life is.
Remember? I said those things because I was afraid of losing my brother.
I exaggerated to make a point.
And I did it at your expense.
I'm sorry, Noah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Apology accepted.
- Got any coffee? - Yeah, it's on the counter.
Sheila, this is my brother Steve.
He's the one that's trying to get me back on track.
- On track for what? - Exactly.
Would you excuse us please? [GRUNTS.]
I see Maddy is still keeping you up late.
Yeah.
We've been going by this book.
Or at least I thought we were.
Until I realised I missed this section about how you have to treat some kids differently.
- I'm not a child, Steve.
- I know.
I missed that too.
You know, it's funny.
You quoting a book about parenting.
[CHUCKLES.]
Ryan, whatever you wanna do with your life is fine with me.
Even if it means staying in business with this fool.
[LAUGHS.]
Come on, Steve, go easy, will you? Uh, why don't you hang out and stick around for breakfast? I've gotta get to work.
- I love you, Ryan.
- I love you too, Steve.
- Thanks, buddy.
- All right, Steve.
See you, buddy.
[CHUCKLES.]
[KNOCKlNG ON DOOR.]
- Agent Williams.
- I remember.
Will you come with me please? The defence recalls Stuart Patton to the stand.
- You can do this.
- I told you I wanna drop it.
Mr.
Durning, your client's been called to the stand.
I know, Your Honour, but, um Uh, well, to be honest he's a little intimidated right now.
After all, he is surrounded by lawyers.
He can always tell when we're lying.
Our lips move.
Objection! Which, uh, reminds me of this fertility case.
Yeah, it turns out lawyers and sperm have a lot in common.
Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.
- Seriously, folks, - Ha-ha-ha.
I know that this can all be very confusing.
But there's good news.
No matter how complicated the case, you'll always know what to call a lawyer with an lQ of 50: Your Honour.
[CHUCKLES.]
No, seriously, Your Honour, my client Stu has all the love and respect for your court.
He hopes that you will soon recover from your charisma bypass.
Kwing! [ALL LAUGHlNG.]
MATT: Now, I'm glad that you all find this amusing and so does my client.
Because it's his material.
- Hello, Dylan.
- What do you want, Christine? Your father's in danger.
That's a step up.
Last time I was here you told me he was dead.
We picked up his name in a conversation we were monitoring.
Not that I believe anything you say, but go on.
The conversation was between two guys he testified against.
They know he's alive, Dylan.
I'll be sure and mention that to the private security company that we hired.
- Are we through? - He needs our protection, Dylan.
If he comes out of the programme he won't have it.
- Are we finished? - He's only doing this for you.
[SlGHS.]
So if something goes wrong it's all my fault? - Can you live with that? - You don't leave me much choice.
You may not like what I did but I did it to protect Jack no matter how I felt about him.
Can you honestly say that you're doing the same? [MADDY CRYlNG.]
JANET: Are you sure about this? Yeah.
But you do it.
Hi, little peanut.
Hi.
You wanna come see me? That's right, Mommy and Daddy are here.
Hi.
Oh, hi.
- You know what this means? - What does this mean? It means a lot of hours of rocking her to sleep.
I know.
But I can't think of anything else that I'd rather do, can you? No.
Hey.
Is this a bad time? No.
Come on in.
I, uh I wanted to say goodbye.
- Where are you going? - I'm gonna travel.
Maybe spend some time in Europe with Dad.
- And then I'm gonna enrol in CU.
- Really? Yeah, you know, I thought about it, and I put way too much pressure on myself the first time around.
So I thought l'd, uh, get a little perspective before going back.
I think that's a really good idea.
- You sure this is what you want? - Absolutely.
I mean, for God's sakes, someone in this family has gotta be a professional.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey, I'm a professional.
I may not act very professional, - but I'm a professional.
- Heh.
Why don't you two professionals go out and celebrate tonight? You know, flaming shots are my speciality.
- Really? - Heh.
I thought you wouldn't learn anything working in a bar.
[CHUCKLES.]
[JANET CHUCKLES.]
[KNOCKlNG ON DOOR.]
You're late.
Let's go.
Come on, plane leaves in an hour.
Justin lmperioli, Frank Ruggarillo.
Does that ring a bell? Yeah, the two guys I helped the, uh, feds nail.
Why? They know you're alive.
So, uh, you wanna use La Cienega or 405 this time of day? I heard a tape, Jack.
They know you're in Los Angeles, and if you stay here they'll find you.
We agreed to use private security.
When we thought your testimony was old news, and obviously it's not.
- Christine tell you this? - She wants you to be safe.
So do l.
We'll never see each other again, Dylan.
[SlGHS.]
I hated you for a long time.
You don't know what it's like to hate your father.
It ruins everything.
I don't hate you anymore.
Come with me.
- You got a plane to catch.
- Dylan, come with me.
- Shut up.
- Dylan [DYLAN CRYlNG.]
We gotta make this work.
It works.
Now it works.
[ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG.]
- No more interviews, please.
- You're the one paying for publicity.
I've never seen so many big-name editors in one place at one time.
Your designs were responsible for that, not me.
Any word from David? Well, you said he was coming straight from the airport.
I can't believe he took the job.
I mean, I understand why he did but God, I feel so sad about it.
KELLY: Excuse me.
Kelly's done a really great job, don't you think? Yeah, yeah, she really pulled it off.
Yeah, well, maybe you should tell her how you feel.
Oh, Donna, I'm sorry, you're right.
Heh, my mind has been elsewhere.
Yeah, right, on David.
Um Camille, about that, it's-- You've known David, what, a month? Uh, I mean, we've all known David practically his whole life.
And just try to understand and keep in mind that it's gonna be really hard on all of us when he leaves.
So you're telling me you convinced a jury of Stu's peers that he's funny? I convinced them that his material is funny.
That he has a bright future in sitcoms.
- How did you do that? - Glad you asked.
See, there was this lawyer and his mother said to him-- What are you doing? This one's good.
[DAVlD SlGHS.]
You just can't shake some people can you? You know, it's funny.
You think you can and think you have and you travel cross-country for the job of a lifetime, and you just realise there's no way.
- You gonna take the job? - Uh-uh.
Because of Donna? [CHUCKLES.]
- You going in? - I don't think so.
- Hi.
Hi! - Hello.
- I missed you.
- I missed you too.
How is this for a surprise? I'm dating Henny Youngman.
Question.
Can you suddenly realise that a breakup was stupid? I mean a really old breakup? Is there some sort of statute of limitations? - What are you talking about? - What if I've looked everywhere else only to finally realise that what I want is right in front of me? Are you saying that's what it is? I think maybe I'm still in love with him.
- She's been crying for hours.
- It's been 35 minutes.
Honey, sweetie, I need you to unlock the door.
I'm gonna do it, Steve.
I'm gonna pick her up.
No, no, no, no.
Chapter 7, page 1 1 4.
Hold on, hold on.
"To learn to sleep without being held or rocked the child must be gradually weaned from the behaviour.
' [GRUNTS.]
She needs me, Steve, and you're being a big meanie.
Don't make me the bad guy.
Ryan already made me the bad guy.
Ryan is 1 9 and if he can't sleep he can get up and watch TV.
He used to read books.
He used to be a straight A student.
Now he's a college dropout.
What happened? Ask him.
Can I trust you to wait here? Yeah right.
Come on.
So where you been, Ryan? Out.
Do you know what a big decision this is? Do you know what you're missing out on? - An education.
- And frat parties, four-day weekends and geographically confined co-eds, huh? Huh? Something going on here I don't know about? In Steve's own incredibly peculiar way, he's just trying to help.
That's right.
That's why you and l should sit down, write a letter to the dean and explain the situation.
What do you think? I think Maddy's crying.
Why do you say we go get something to eat? No, it's better if we stay put.
You know I've been in the witness protection programme for seven years.
I've been under the thumb of a U.
S.
Marshal.
- So I understand feeling trapped.
- I saw your life, Jack.
I saw your house.
It looks a lot cosier than the, uh, urn I picked out for you.
Was I supposed to see the explosion? Is that how it works? I walked to the car.
An FBl agent grabbed me, threw me in a van.
- I didn't know where or when.
- You knew you were leaving.
You had to give them some kind of information to make a deal.
They gave me a chance and I took it, yes.
But it meant walking away from every part of my life, including you.
- So why are you here? - Because you came after me.
- Christine Pettit tell you that? - No, Kelly called me.
And I'm glad she did because it gives me a chance to tell you how sorry I am, Dylan.
- Look, I only have a few days.
- You got less than that.
Get out.
I sent the press kit to every publication on this list.
Well, how many people RSVP'd? Uh, these editors have confirmed and question marks are maybes.
Cool.
Hmm, I hope you've been on the phone promising favours.
What kind of favours? Free clothes, uh, Laker games, dinners poolside at the Mondrian.
Uh, I don't know about that.
They'll show up for the clothes, not because of favours.
I just got a call from WTRL in New York.
They wanna fly me out tonight for an interview.
David, that's amazing.
- How long has it been in the works? - It hasn't.
I guess, uh, a producer was in town, he heard my show on the radio in the car.
I don't know.
I'm set up tonight at 1 0:00 to fly on the red eye.
- Why has that happened so fast? - I don't know.
Um, I gotta pack, all right, but, uh, I'll call you in like an hour.
Wish me luck.
We'll meet about 7 and give you a sendoff.
- See you at the club.
- Wow! New York.
- It's far, huh? - We've been together a month.
If he gets this job, we're finished.
As far as I can tell, it seems like a simple breach of contract.
Well, it felt more like a breach birth.
Breach, breach That's very good.
So, Mr.
Durka, the club owner, signed you up for a six-week stint and you only performed one night? Yeah.
Ever been to the Chuckle Factory? That's longer than most roaches stick around.
Bing! Where'd they go? Heh.
Uh, Durka said that I cost him all of his two-drink minimums and canned me.
It doesn't matter if everyone left, he signed the agreement.
We'll get you the cash.
The crowd was so horrible we should counter-sue for combat pay.
- Whoa! Careful.
- People have no idea, do they? What goes on with the spotlights, the sweaty hands, the heckling? Who told you what goes on in my bedroom? Get out of here, heh.
Heh, point is, you are an artist.
And your craft should be respected.
- You had one bad night, so what? - I wouldn't call it a bad night.
It was more like comedius interruptus.
Bup.
There may not have been a laugh but no one has the right to fire you - because they say you stink.
- Heh.
Talent is subjective.
Ask my mother.
She's a blind housepainter.
Boink! Right.
Hey.
I left you two messages.
You were there, right? I mean, I chose not to contact my father.
You knew my decision.
- Dylan-- - Answer me.
You're mad.
I knew you would be.
And I don't blame you.
Yeah, well, I'm glad you're at peace with it.
- Is he here in town? - He's at some motel.
- Then why don't you go see him? - Because if I wanted to see him I would have knocked on his door when we were in Arizona.
You got scared of something you want too much.
Dylan, he's your father.
He is risking his life to see you again.
Yeah, after seven years.
I've seen what those years have done.
Then you should know it's not gonna be fixed in a week.
- And that's how long he is here.
- Your life can change in a second.
Just go to him, Dylan.
Tell him everything you've ever wanted to tell him.
Even if it's just goodbye.
[DANCE MUSlC PLAYlNG.]
Bartender, can l? Excuse me, can l? Hello, heh.
- Am I invisible? - Hardly.
Well, get the bartender's attention and you'll be my new favourite person.
Really? - Noah? - Ryan.
How you doing, man? What's going on? What's up? What can I get you? Whatever the lady here desires.
- Two red wines.
- Got it.
Who are you? I'm Ryan, your new favourite person.
[CHUCKLES.]
- I'm Sheila.
- Hi, Sheila.
My friends and I have a table over in the corner, if you'd like to stop by.
Yeah.
Yeah.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Two red wines, here you go.
No, no, no.
No friend of Ryan's pays for a drink here.
[CHUCKLES.]
Definitely stop by.
Okay.
I guess if you know the bartender you move to the head of the class, huh? [CHUCKLES.]
That's right.
When are you going back to Amherst? - Uh, I'm not.
- Really? Hmm.
What are you gonna do? - We're still waiting over here.
- Uh-- The barback called in sick.
He's got a tattoo infection.
- Appealing and hygienic, huh? - Right.
Hey, Noah, if you need someone to help out around here.
How hard is it to hand us a couple beers? - Can you handle that? - Piece of cake.
All right, you got a job.
Get back here.
I put in a call to Jane Thayer at the L.
A.
Chronicle about the party.
Actually, Jane's assistant RSVP'd.
Oh, she constantly double-books.
Trust me.
I was her researcher at Verve.
Yeah, I know, you said that a few times.
I have contacts you can use.
- Are we all on the same team? - Yeah, we, uh, appreciate your help.
- We do.
- Excuse me.
There is something so know-it-all about that girl.
- Doesn't it bug you just a little? - No, not at all.
[CHUCKLES.]
MATT: They got the physical thing, but see, what makes or breaks a relationship is humour.
Mm.
Then why are we still together? [ALL LAUGH.]
Oh, boy.
Okay, hold on a sec.
I got a joke.
I got a joke.
Here we go.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Uh, this drunk goes before a judge, right.
[ALL CHUCKLE.]
The judge says, "Hey, you've been brought here for drinking.
' Heh.
And the drunk says, "Okay, when do we get started?" [MATT CHUCKLES.]
Okay, we're dancing now.
- Thank you.
- I'll be right back.
All right.
- Hi.
- Hello.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
You know what I was just thinking about? Do you how enormous our phone bills are gonna be if you move to New York? [SlGHS.]
Yeah, you know what? If I do actually get a job there I'm sure it will end up being the late, late shift.
So I probably won't be able to call you from the office.
- We can e-mail each other.
- Yeah? Um - Has Camille said anything to you? - Oh, yeah, yeah.
She's worried it's too soon for a long-distance relationship.
Well, she's probably right.
Heh, maybe I'll ask her to move to New York with me.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
- Hi.
- Hey.
You okay? [KNOCKlNG ON DOOR.]
Went to a church once in Rome and I prayed for you.
Seemed pointless.
I didn't wanna talk to God.
- I wanted to talk to you.
- I'm listening.
Well, you better step back because I'm pretty pissed.
[SlGHS.]
I don't know where to start.
Well, l, uh-- I heard you went to Europe.
When did you get back? What are you doing now? Easing into things.
Easing out.
It's hard.
[PHONE RlNGlNG.]
Go ahead.
Hello.
Hi, honey.
Everything's fine here.
No, it went well.
It did.
Listen, sweetheart, it's, uh, late.
I know.
I know, but, uh, you should get some sleep.
I'll be back in a day.
I love you too.
Bye.
Was that your wife? Lisa.
- What's your son's name? - Jack.
Your namesake.
Of course, not, uh, a lot of people know that.
- Does she? - Yes, she does.
I didn't tell her about this, though, because, uh, it was a risk.
- She'd have been frightened.
- So it's just a business trip? You told her you were a crook, in bed with the feds? Yeah.
Yeah, I did.
But you didn't tell her about me.
[SCOFFS.]
It's been a long time, Jack.
I forgot where your priorities are.
[MADDY WAlLlNG.]
STEVE: She won't eat.
She won't take her pacifier.
Maybe she's wet.
- She's exhausted.
- Mm.
By the time she cries herself out, she can't get enough sleep.
Well, you know, this is the right approach.
Right.
Like your approach to Ryan.
Higher education, looser women.
Four years of casual sex is a terrible thing to waste.
He'll get his degree.
That's the most important thing.
- Hey, close the club again? - All in a day's work.
And Noah gave me a job.
- You're working at the club? - Yep.
By the way, um, I'm crashing at Noah's until I get a place of my own.
[KNOCKlNG ON DOOR.]
Did you see your father? This is not a follow-up call you wanna make.
Believe me.
Ugh, listen, I know that it was difficult and awkward.
No, awkward is hearing your own father deny that you exist.
That's awkward.
Why don't you tell me what happened? I grieved over him for years.
I lost my wife.
Because I was filled with hatred and wanted revenge.
It was my life that ended when that car blew up, not his.
And you keep pushing me into that.
I'm just trying to-- [PHONE RlNGS.]
- Hello.
JACK [OVER PHONE.]
: Dylan, I need to talk to you.
Meet me at the beach tonight.
It's my father.
He wants me to meet him tonight.
Hey.
I thought Kelly was picking up the party supplies.
Um, yeah, but she had to go see Dylan and it was on my way, so Hmm.
Well, Jane Thayer called from the L.
A.
Chronicle.
She can't make it to the party, but I'll take her to lunch when she gets back from Paris.
Or you could just set it up for Kelly.
She is my publicist.
Donna, I do her a favour and all I get is attitude.
What's with her? [PHONE RlNGlNG.]
- Now Wear This.
DAVlD [OVER PHONE.]
: Hey, it's me.
Hi.
Um, uh, well, when's your big interview? They rescheduled for tomorrow.
- It's a bad sign, right? - No.
No.
Just means they had to reschedule, heh.
DAVlD: I'm supposed to have coffee with the producers in a few minutes.
Get the lay of the land, you know, so I don't make an ass of myself.
Well, they'd be lucky to have you.
I gotta go.
Um Well, thanks for calling.
And good luck with everything, and if you get a chance just call me later tonight.
DAVlD: Donna.
- Yeah? - Um, is Camille there? - Heh, sure, hold on.
- Sorry, it's David for you.
- Okay.
- Hi.
DAVlD: Hey.
- I miss you.
- I miss you too.
I'm just gonna - You'd love it here.
- I know.
The, uh, shows, the restaurants.
I think I'm a New York girl at heart.
If we were together I'm sure I'd find some way to keep warm.
Heh, good.
Yeah, that's the whole point.
The defence is free to call it's first witness.
The defence calls Stuart Patton.
Mr.
Patton, I must remind you that you are still sworn in.
Yes, sir.
Judge.
Mr.
Patton, why did my client hire you? - I am a stand-up comedian.
- The contract was for comedy.
And would you define comedy as any joke, satire or humourous performance designed to make people laugh? No, that would be the before and after pictures of Linda Tripp.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Uh, I guess so.
Yes.
LAWYER: Right.
We have a 1 2-member audience right here.
- Why don't you take your best shot? - Objection.
Your Honour, whether or not Mr.
Patton is funny is the central question in this case.
Mr.
Durning has doubts about his client? Overruled.
Mr.
Patton, one joke from your performance at the Chuckle Factory should be sufficient.
Sure, that's fine.
Hey, everybody.
Uh, so, um Theses two peanuts walk into a bar and one of them is accosted.
Shoot.
Um Is bothered Assaulted.
Your Honour, I'd like to move for a continuance.
[ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG.]
How do you do that? It's a trade secret, which I will trade you for your number.
- Call me.
- I will.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Yeah.
- Nice job perk.
Ryan, I think we should talk.
- About what? - About this.
- It's no life.
- Looks pretty good to me, man.
You know what I mean.
Ryan, you're too good for this.
Why don't you grab your stuff and come to the house? - He's okay with me.
- You're not helping me here, Noah.
- Look, Noah gave me a job.
- Yeah, but you're underage.
I'm a barback.
I can serve drinks.
I just can't pour them.
Which is what I do legally here at my job.
You know what? You can do whatever you wanna do, yet you choose to make gin and tonics.
I'm sorry, but that pisses me off.
It's my life, Steve.
My choice.
Get your stuff.
Steve, I don't wanna step on your toes-- Then don't.
You know what, Noah? This is my brother.
I don't want him to turn out like you.
So if you want company, go to an AA meeting.
So you're happy with the media responses to the party? - Oh, yeah.
You did a great job.
- Heh, tell it to Camille.
Does she think I can't write my own press releases? That I can't talk to editors? She just has her own opinions about what works.
- Very strong opinions just like you.
- Hmm, only opposite.
Which, by the way, makes you feel so comfortable, heh.
Look if she seems kind of pushy I know.
She certainly pushed her way into David's world.
Oh, look at that, I seem to have forgotten the salad dressing.
You know, after you broke up with Noah and Gina left, you and David started hanging out a lot.
Your point being? I noticed that he's not calling after midnight anymore.
Yeah, that's cause Camille asked him to.
She's right.
He really shouldn't be calling some ex-girlfriend at 2 in the morning.
Ex-girlfriend? Wow, I haven't heard you say that in a while.
- Usually you guys are just friends.
- We are.
Then she shouldn't be jealous, should she? No, she shouldn't.
I think she just knows I want what she has.
Which is a great guy.
It's just not David, heh.
Pretty serious guy.
Well, he's almost as talkative as you are.
- Look, what is it you want? - I want us to be together.
You're about seven years too late.
I know I made a thousand mistakes.
And this isn't fair to you.
But unfortunately, we don't have time for your justified anger to pass.
I just want you to consider this for a moment.
I just want-- Well, I can't.
You're here one minute, then you're gone again.
- I'm not gonna do that.
- That's not gonna happen again.
How am I ever supposed to believe you? [CAR APPROACHlNG.]
Because this time I'm willing to bet my life on it.
I'm leaving the witness protection programme or you're coming in.
- Those are the choices.
- It's time to go.
I saw the car.
It turned back out onto PCH.
It took its time going through the lot.
It also slowed near you.
Think about it.
Just think about it.
Sheila wants juice.
And you know what? I want whatever Sheila wants.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
What's this? Organic chemistry.
I found it in your stuff when I was cleaning up.
Guess what? I can't understand a word of it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Noah, you party all night and you hang out all day.
Trust me, buddy, you don't have to.
- Steve tells me you're a smart kid.
- Yeah.
Sheila wants juice.
Sheila gets juice.
Hey, I'm a genius.
Ryan? Your brother says you have a lot of opportunities right now.
I don't care if he's right or wrong.
I'm here to tell you I had a lot more.
Believe me.
And somewhere along the line, I got thrown off the road and never got back on track.
- What happened? - That's not important.
Yeah, it is.
- Noah, we're friends.
- Yeah, we are.
But your friend here gave up an lvy league education for what? For this? I told myself I'd go back after a year.
Guess what? I never did.
I want you to realise how important and permanent this decision can be for you, man.
[KNOCKlNG ON DOOR.]
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, Dad, people remember you here.
- Apple fritters from Stan's.
- Did you hear what I said? You keep coming here people are gonna recognise you.
Your little brother is gonna love Stans.
So you decided? I can't ask you to give everything up to be with me when I give nothing up to be with you.
Except your safety.
Guys I testified against are either dead or in jail.
I should be fine.
Should be? What about that car the other day? Looking for a place to park.
For that, he got the third degree.
By people who are supposed to protect you.
Any protection I'm getting now, we can afford to pay for ourselves.
I can be safe, free and in your life.
- What does your wife say about it? - I haven't told her yet.
I thought maybe you and me, we'd tell her together.
You'll like her, she's a good person.
What about Jack? What do we tell him? He's got a big brother.
Down the road he'll have questions, I'll answer them.
But he's 4.
In other year he'll have no memory of life without you.
- Just forget his past, huh? - If we work hard enough, we can forget ours.
I thought you said being funny didn't matter.
Legally it doesn't, but we're practising because a giggle or two can't hurt.
Okay? Now look at the bright side.
The jurors can't walk out on you.
Hey, guys? Can we hurry up? I got some work to do.
Come on.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Ladies and gentleman, Stuart Patton.
STUART: Thank you.
Thank you very much.
You're too kind.
I've been fighting this, uh, stage fright, you know.
I've been talking to a shrink about it.
The guy never says a word.
[CHUCKLES.]
And, um, so I said, uh, finally, "What do you think, doc?" And he says, "l think you're crazy.
' And I said-- Naturally, I said, um - Is he kidding? - Shh.
STUART: Um, ha, ha.
"I'd like a second opinion.
' And he says, "Okay.
' - "You're ugly too.
' Heh.
NOAH: Ha, ha.
- Sorry.
NOAH: Shh! That's right.
I wanna drop the case.
That's no joke.
Not that you could tell the difference.
Forget about this.
This was a bad idea.
You can't give up.
You still have a case.
Maybe, but it's clear I don't have a career.
[MADDY CRYlNG OVER BABY MONlTOR.]
Ryan's not gonna call.
You know that as well as I do.
He's gonna meet some girl, take her back to Noah, and I'm not gonna hear from him all night.
I can't stand this anymore.
How you think I feel? He's my brother.
Your brother's gonna be fine.
Your daughter, on the other hand, may be scarred for life.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
She's just testing us.
If you pick her up she's gonna stop crying.
- Because she'll be comforted.
- She's gotta learn to comfort herself.
- Steve, she's 1 6 weeks old.
- Right, right.
And if you go up there you're gonna be rocking her to sleep until she's 1 6 years old, okay? Look at Ryan.
The kid's off track.
The older you are the harder it is to get back centred again.
I don't want that happening to Maddy.
There's a picture of you in the senior yearbook in drag hanging upside down from the KEG house roof.
I got a lot of dates from that picture, ha, ha.
My point is you were on the idiot track.
I beg your pardon.
I was the president of the KEG house.
Okay, so you were the idiot in chief.
[SlGHS.]
But look at you now.
You're back on track, sort of.
Ryan will be too.
[CRYlNG CONTlNUES.]
I can't stand this anymore.
I'm going for a walk.
[PHONE RlNGS.]
- Hello.
DAVlD: Donna, I got it.
- You what? - I got the job.
Oh, my God.
That's unbelievable.
The station manager, this guy is just He's incredible.
I mean, we agreed on everything.
Oh, that is so great, completely deserved.
Hello? David? - Yeah.
- Where'd you go? It just hit me, that, um-- - That I'm moving.
- Yeah, you are.
- I'll miss you.
- I'll miss you too.
- So, um, what did Camille say? - I haven't told her yet.
Really? I just picked up the phone and dialled.
- Me, heh? - Yeah.
Well, maybe we should, um, hang up so you can call and tell her the great news.
Would you mind if, uh, we just talked a little more? No, not at all.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- How'd it go? - Um, really well.
- Yeah? - Yeah, I think, yeah.
- Good.
Good.
Tell me all about it.
- Listen, um, you did this for me.
I mean, I walked away, but you made it happen.
So, what's next? Well, he's gonna leave the programme.
- Really? Is that allowed? - Yeah.
Witness protection is a courtesy.
You can walk away any time.
It's also a precaution.
Aren't you worried? His testimony is pretty much old news.
And today we met with this private security firm.
And you would be amazed at the coverage money can buy.
What about his family? I mean, his other family.
We're gonna fly and see them tomorrow.
- I'm so happy for you.
- Yeah, and you know what? I'm just happy for the first time in a long time.
- That's good to hear.
- Yeah.
Thank you.
- I didn't do anything.
- You did everything.
And I don't know if I've mentioned it lately, but, um, Matt's a lucky guy.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Hey.
Ryan home? Yeah, he's still sleeping.
I left a message.
Actually, I left a message for the both of you.
I would have called you back, Steve, except I didn't wanna get lectured on how pathetic my life is.
Remember? I said those things because I was afraid of losing my brother.
I exaggerated to make a point.
And I did it at your expense.
I'm sorry, Noah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Apology accepted.
- Got any coffee? - Yeah, it's on the counter.
Sheila, this is my brother Steve.
He's the one that's trying to get me back on track.
- On track for what? - Exactly.
Would you excuse us please? [GRUNTS.]
I see Maddy is still keeping you up late.
Yeah.
We've been going by this book.
Or at least I thought we were.
Until I realised I missed this section about how you have to treat some kids differently.
- I'm not a child, Steve.
- I know.
I missed that too.
You know, it's funny.
You quoting a book about parenting.
[CHUCKLES.]
Ryan, whatever you wanna do with your life is fine with me.
Even if it means staying in business with this fool.
[LAUGHS.]
Come on, Steve, go easy, will you? Uh, why don't you hang out and stick around for breakfast? I've gotta get to work.
- I love you, Ryan.
- I love you too, Steve.
- Thanks, buddy.
- All right, Steve.
See you, buddy.
[CHUCKLES.]
[KNOCKlNG ON DOOR.]
- Agent Williams.
- I remember.
Will you come with me please? The defence recalls Stuart Patton to the stand.
- You can do this.
- I told you I wanna drop it.
Mr.
Durning, your client's been called to the stand.
I know, Your Honour, but, um Uh, well, to be honest he's a little intimidated right now.
After all, he is surrounded by lawyers.
He can always tell when we're lying.
Our lips move.
Objection! Which, uh, reminds me of this fertility case.
Yeah, it turns out lawyers and sperm have a lot in common.
Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.
- Seriously, folks, - Ha-ha-ha.
I know that this can all be very confusing.
But there's good news.
No matter how complicated the case, you'll always know what to call a lawyer with an lQ of 50: Your Honour.
[CHUCKLES.]
No, seriously, Your Honour, my client Stu has all the love and respect for your court.
He hopes that you will soon recover from your charisma bypass.
Kwing! [ALL LAUGHlNG.]
MATT: Now, I'm glad that you all find this amusing and so does my client.
Because it's his material.
- Hello, Dylan.
- What do you want, Christine? Your father's in danger.
That's a step up.
Last time I was here you told me he was dead.
We picked up his name in a conversation we were monitoring.
Not that I believe anything you say, but go on.
The conversation was between two guys he testified against.
They know he's alive, Dylan.
I'll be sure and mention that to the private security company that we hired.
- Are we through? - He needs our protection, Dylan.
If he comes out of the programme he won't have it.
- Are we finished? - He's only doing this for you.
[SlGHS.]
So if something goes wrong it's all my fault? - Can you live with that? - You don't leave me much choice.
You may not like what I did but I did it to protect Jack no matter how I felt about him.
Can you honestly say that you're doing the same? [MADDY CRYlNG.]
JANET: Are you sure about this? Yeah.
But you do it.
Hi, little peanut.
Hi.
You wanna come see me? That's right, Mommy and Daddy are here.
Hi.
Oh, hi.
- You know what this means? - What does this mean? It means a lot of hours of rocking her to sleep.
I know.
But I can't think of anything else that I'd rather do, can you? No.
Hey.
Is this a bad time? No.
Come on in.
I, uh I wanted to say goodbye.
- Where are you going? - I'm gonna travel.
Maybe spend some time in Europe with Dad.
- And then I'm gonna enrol in CU.
- Really? Yeah, you know, I thought about it, and I put way too much pressure on myself the first time around.
So I thought l'd, uh, get a little perspective before going back.
I think that's a really good idea.
- You sure this is what you want? - Absolutely.
I mean, for God's sakes, someone in this family has gotta be a professional.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey, I'm a professional.
I may not act very professional, - but I'm a professional.
- Heh.
Why don't you two professionals go out and celebrate tonight? You know, flaming shots are my speciality.
- Really? - Heh.
I thought you wouldn't learn anything working in a bar.
[CHUCKLES.]
[JANET CHUCKLES.]
[KNOCKlNG ON DOOR.]
You're late.
Let's go.
Come on, plane leaves in an hour.
Justin lmperioli, Frank Ruggarillo.
Does that ring a bell? Yeah, the two guys I helped the, uh, feds nail.
Why? They know you're alive.
So, uh, you wanna use La Cienega or 405 this time of day? I heard a tape, Jack.
They know you're in Los Angeles, and if you stay here they'll find you.
We agreed to use private security.
When we thought your testimony was old news, and obviously it's not.
- Christine tell you this? - She wants you to be safe.
So do l.
We'll never see each other again, Dylan.
[SlGHS.]
I hated you for a long time.
You don't know what it's like to hate your father.
It ruins everything.
I don't hate you anymore.
Come with me.
- You got a plane to catch.
- Dylan, come with me.
- Shut up.
- Dylan [DYLAN CRYlNG.]
We gotta make this work.
It works.
Now it works.
[ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG.]
- No more interviews, please.
- You're the one paying for publicity.
I've never seen so many big-name editors in one place at one time.
Your designs were responsible for that, not me.
Any word from David? Well, you said he was coming straight from the airport.
I can't believe he took the job.
I mean, I understand why he did but God, I feel so sad about it.
KELLY: Excuse me.
Kelly's done a really great job, don't you think? Yeah, yeah, she really pulled it off.
Yeah, well, maybe you should tell her how you feel.
Oh, Donna, I'm sorry, you're right.
Heh, my mind has been elsewhere.
Yeah, right, on David.
Um Camille, about that, it's-- You've known David, what, a month? Uh, I mean, we've all known David practically his whole life.
And just try to understand and keep in mind that it's gonna be really hard on all of us when he leaves.
So you're telling me you convinced a jury of Stu's peers that he's funny? I convinced them that his material is funny.
That he has a bright future in sitcoms.
- How did you do that? - Glad you asked.
See, there was this lawyer and his mother said to him-- What are you doing? This one's good.
[DAVlD SlGHS.]
You just can't shake some people can you? You know, it's funny.
You think you can and think you have and you travel cross-country for the job of a lifetime, and you just realise there's no way.
- You gonna take the job? - Uh-uh.
Because of Donna? [CHUCKLES.]
- You going in? - I don't think so.
- Hi.
Hi! - Hello.
- I missed you.
- I missed you too.
How is this for a surprise? I'm dating Henny Youngman.
Question.
Can you suddenly realise that a breakup was stupid? I mean a really old breakup? Is there some sort of statute of limitations? - What are you talking about? - What if I've looked everywhere else only to finally realise that what I want is right in front of me? Are you saying that's what it is? I think maybe I'm still in love with him.