The Goldbergs s10e21 Episode Script

1
[ADULT ADAM] Back in the
'80s, I wasn't exactly
the coolest kid on the block.
Oh, damn it!
But that didn't stop me from
being a bona fide ladies' man,
from puppy love with Dana
to nerd love with Jackie,
and, of course, high
school love with Brea Bee.
But these days, it was
real love with Carmen.
We were adults in an adult relationship,
and that meant one thing.
Sleepovers.
It was a brand-new chapter for me.
["PUSH IT" PLAYING]
Everything now somehow felt different.
Almost like I was floating.
Man, what a feeling.
The kind that left me with nothing to do
but bust a sweet little move.
Salt-N-Pepa's here?
You've only heard the song on the radio,
so, sure, we could be them.
Push it good ♪
Ah, push it ♪
Push it real good ♪
[ADULT ADAM] This was what
that morning felt like,
a chance to let it all out and sing.
Ooh, baby, baby ♪
Baby, baby ♪
Ooh, baby, baby ♪
B-Baby, baby ♪
Oh, my, aren't you in a good mood.
I wish I had been there to share
whatever made you this happy.
Glad you weren't!
[LAUGHS]
[WOMAN] Get up on this ♪
Look at him go.
Get up on this ♪
[ADULT ADAM] Yep, I
was on top of the world.
And nothing could bring me down.
- Aw!
- Get up on this ♪
Adam! [LAUGHS] I'll join you.
What? No!
Just let me have this moment
alone with Salt-N-Pepa!
Uh, my two favorite spices
behind butter, cheese, and ketchup?
I don't think so.
Ooh, Schmoopie Poopie ♪
Ooh, Schmoopie Poopie ♪
Give up a kiss ♪
- [LAUGHS]
- How did one of the best days of my life
turn out so badly?
You seem taller somehow.
My little baby's growing up.
Mmm!
[GROANS]
I'm twisted up inside ♪
But nonetheless I
feel the need to say ♪
I don't know the future ♪
But the past keeps
getting Clearer every day ♪
[ADULT ADAM] It was football
Sunday, 1980-something.
Barry and the JTP were
watching their beloved Eagles.
Or, more specifically,
they were watching them
on the stadium's jumbotron.
A giant TV in the stadium?
[CHUCKLES] The future is here, boys.
If it wasn't for the guy
who almost puked on my back,
I'd feel like I was
in my own living room.
My favorite part is the Kiss Cam.
Philadelphians are not
afraid to show their affection
for their team or each other.
You know what would be cute?
- A Baby Cam.
- Oh, here we go.
Oh, you're a dad now?
Come on, like, a giant photo
of Muriel with 10-foot dimples?
Tell me you wouldn't
nom-nom that [BLEEP], holmes.
You can't make it cool just
by saying it like that, bro.
[ANNOUNCER] Okay,
Philly, it's time to find
the biggest Eagles fans here!
- Places!
- Get ready to be famous!
I've waited my whole lifetime
for this, so, clearly,
I should have bigger goals.
[ALL] One, two, three!
- Eagles!
- fans out there.
Who could it be?
Eagles superfans, where you at?
"GALS"? What the hell?
Where are all the E's?
Matt was supposed to bring them.
Yeah, but when Matt couldn't make it,
Geoff was supposed to do it.
I brought the seat pads so that
we could sit on something
soft and pillowy.
No one asked you to do that.
Oh, I'm sorry, now I'm the bad guy
because I care about my
friends' bottom comfort?
Looks like we found our superfans!
My God.
Is that Matt Bradley?
[GEOFF] Wait, so he's not at work?
And he's with other dudes?
Who aren't us.
I mean, that's That's not us, right?
Stop waving like a buffoon.
It's clearly not us.
Well, I know. What if there's a delay?
There's no delay!
But there's clearly a traitor.
[ADULT ADAM] While Matt couldn't hide,
my love for Carmen was out in the open.
Hello, beautiful sister and niece.
Hello, stylish refrigerator by Kenmore.
And hello, shiny bowl of apples.
May you fill my body
with sweetness and fiber.
Stop. Muriel's little brain is a sponge,
and I don't want her
soaking up your weirdness.
True love is like a
puzzle within a mystery
tucked inside a hidden dimension.
People like yourself can't see it.
I know what love is.
- I'm a wife and a mother.
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh, sweet, naive,
exhausted-looking Erica.
Those are job titles.
But one day, you'll feel what I feel.
Thanks, friend.
Here's one more thing for you to carry,
the knowledge that
I've never been happier.
And this apple.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Balls!
What, your guy-who-still-
lives-at-home bill is higher than usual?
NYU wants my housing deposit.
Oh, don't worry, Mom
will fork over the dough.
There'll be unsettling
strings attached, but she'll pay.
It's not that.
I've been so living in the blissful now
that I forgot about
the painful after-now
when Carmen and I will be apart.
That just might be
something you can't fix.
I can fix it.
What the hell, lady?
Is that a kabob skewer?
I call it a Ka-Bev.
And I'm not here to
startle, I'm here to help.
What's to help?
My relationship is gonna be over!
Just like it was with
Brea, and Jackie, and Dana.
How have you had four solid
girlfriends in the last decade?
My incredibly lopsided dating history
is not up for discussion!
Adam, ignore your
romantically-challenged sister.
Again, I'm married.
[MURIEL CRIES]
What if there was a way that Carmen
was with you in New York next year,
while I was also sometimes
nearby in a chic downtown loft?
Half of that, I love. Keep going.
You just have to confidently
approach Carmen and say,
"Carmen, I want you with me in New York.
I love you, and you're coming."
Oh, so bold!
- Some would say aggressive.
- Trust me.
New York is littered
with '50s retro diners
looking for waitresses.
Why are you making so
much sense right now?
Because you desperately want her to.
But the best part is,
you can finally get everything you want.
Everything is what I want.
Thanks, Mama.
- Ah!
- [ADAM AND BEVERLY CHUCKLE]
- Oh.
- Why are you so desperate to keep Carmen around?
My tiny boy can't date
New York City women.
They wear high heels in the
boardroom and the bedroom.
They really don't.
Always dressed in black,
with their bagels and progressive ideas
about how suburban moms shouldn't cut
in the bathroom line at a Broadway show.
Okay, I think I got enough.
Good luck messing up Adam's love life.
Bye, crazy lady.
[ADULT ADAM] While my mom
tutored me on my love life,
Barry was ready to school Matt Bradley.
Men, I have called this
emergency meeting of the JTP
because of the treacherous act
that was committed against us.
All I ask is that we talk
about this like adults.
- Of course. Hi-ya!
- Ow!
I'm sorry, okay?
Friends from work asked if
I wanted to go to the game
a couple weeks ago, and
I wanted to mix it up.
Andy, bring in the holy
text, the JTP charter.
[ALL] Omm ♪
Come on, man, we wrote that years ago.
Shh!
"We will never hang with outside friends,
especially girls."
- Aw.
- That's cute.
I'm married now.
And the punishment,
you have to kiss a worm.
I'm not doing that.
Then you are officially kicked out
of the Jenkintown Posse for life.
Turn in the Krazy Straw
I issued you on day one.
- I don't have it on me.
- [BARRY] What do you mean?
Okay, I-I find it hard to believe
no one is speaking up
right now, so maybe I should.
- Please don't.
- Take one for the team, man.
Last week, during our poker game,
Andy was at the movies
with his fencing pals.
- Fencing pals?
- Damn it!
[SIGHS] Yes, Barry, okay? I fence.
Like stolen goods?
Like the elegant sport with swords.
Well, well. Look at my little Musketeer.
But I'm not the only
one stepping out on you!
Naked Rob has got his
nude beach buddies.
- What?
- I met a like-minded group of guys last summer,
and we hang out a lot,
unencumbered by clothes.
I, for one, don't have
another friend group.
Finally. Thank you, Geoff.
Because Erica's my best friend.
- Ugh.
- So lame.
Now I'm madder!
Barry, just because we have
other friends who enrich our lives
doesn't mean the JTP
isn't still the JTP.
- He's right.
- We'll always be us.
What do we say, for
the next Eagles game,
we go and tailgate together,
just the original crew, like old times?
Oh, we're gonna tailgate.
We're gonna tailgate in a way
none of you will ever forget.
[CACKLING]
- He just walked into the furnace room.
- [BARRY] Ow!
[ADULT ADAM] While Barry was
off to hatch a secret plan,
I was ready to put all my
cards on the table for Carmen.
There she is.
What? Oh. [GIGGLES]
What has gotten into you?
- Four Yoo-hoos and the perfect idea.
- Tell me more.
Me, you, New York City.
Did you get Phantomtickets?
Next year, when I go off to
NYU, you're coming with me, baby!
Oh. [CHUCKLES] Yeah, I don't know.
I do. Jump on this
rocket and ride it, baby!
My first concern is you're
calling me "baby" a lot.
Second, my whole life is here.
My family, my home, my job.
Your job?
There's probably a
million places in New York
where you can dress up and serve people.
They're probably not all
eating establishments,
but we'll do our homework.
Oh, my God.
"Oh, my God," you can't wait
for our exciting, new
adventure together?
Here's an answer, baby. No.
What just happened?
I'll tell you what happened, Goldnerd.
God finally noticed you keep
getting smoking-hot girlfriends
and decided to restore
the natural order.
Yeah, when you punch above your weight,
eventually, you get knocked out.
Take it from someone who
punches people all the time.
It just all made so much
sense when my mom said it.
Your mom?
- Oh, no.
- I know, I know.
But this time, it really felt like
she had my best interest at heart.
Ugh. Balls.
[ADULT ADAM] Determined
to teach the JTP a lesson,
Barry went to the
wisest/nearest person he knew.
Babe, I need new friends.
Nice. You're finally open to the idea
of expanding your
social circle. Love it.
Now, how does one make friends?
I guess you could make a
list of the things you like
and find people who
share those interests.
Like the Asian battle arts.
As a very early starting point
that you ultimately realize
was a misstep, sure.
[SIGHS] Damn it.
That would never work.
My natural instincts would kick in,
and I would destroy any potential bestie
with my elbows and feet.
Here's an idea. Don't hurt anyone.
Or maybe this unnamed
stranger would respect me more
because, despite all we share,
I wasn't afraid to pummel
him to the edge of death.
I don't feel like I'm helping.
And yet, you have.
Here I go, off to brutalize
my new best friends!
So Barry ventured out into the world
to find replacements for the JTP.
Ah, basketball.
The sport of friendship.
Swish, baby!
Okay, so my brother had
his work cut out for him.
- Psst! Raj.
- Shh!
I'm not giving you the answers.
The only answer I want is,
yes, you'll be my best friend.
Oh, then it's a "no."
But we have everything in common!
We're both gonna be doctors.
I mean, you probably won't,
because your answers are super wrong.
I hate you so much.
[LAUGHS] This fight is so us.
[ADULT ADAM] Soon, Barry
became so desperate,
he started to see the
possibility of friendship
in the most unlikely places.
Hello, friend. Do you
have a second to talk?
Friend, you say?
I got a lifetime.
Get on in here. Let's get messy.
Yep, Barry's friend hunt
wasn't getting any easier.
Meanwhile, my mom was busy
entertaining pals at afternoon tea.
Isn't tea time nice?
And who doesn't love tiny sandwiches?
[CHUCKLES] I feel like Andre the Giant.
Such a strong and impressive man
with many health issues.
The heart struggles to pump
blood through a body that large.
So, is it just us and John today?
I'm afraid so.
- You.
- What is it, Schmoo?
- You.
- This happens a lot.
He gets so excited about
how much he loves me,
he can't get the words out.
Every single relationship
I've ever had, you've ruined!
- So, still just the three of us.
- This is insane.
I've never overstepped
in his romantic life.
Uh
If anything, I've made
his relationships better.
[HIGHER-PITCHED] Uh
Instead of yelling at me, he
should be drowning me in kisses.
- [HIGHER-PITCHED] Uh
- Alright.
Enough with the musical scale.
Just use your words.
Even as the most casual observer
of young Adam's dating life,
you've been How do I put this gently?
A love-squeezing anaconda snuffing
out his last breath of happiness?
I was in the area of
a bulldozer of carnage
driven by Satan in a hard hat.
It's playful and evocative.
Well, aren't you both clever.
In fact, why don't you wrap up
your [BLEEP] little sandwiches
and get the [BLEEP] out?
This can't be a surprise to you.
You have been despicable
to Jackie and Dana
and, more recently, Brea Bee.
Don't you seem to have
quite the instant recall
on Adam's former flames.
As the William Penn guidance counselor,
I find it essential
to obsessively follow
the romantic comings and
goings of every student.
So, that's actually far more
disturbing than Beverly's dumb thing.
Thank you, Ginzy.
And now, I am gonna go prove
that I made his relationships better.
I don't think that our plan to
do this weekly is gonna stick.
And so my mom took a
trip down memory lane
to interrogate each of my past loves.
Excuse me, anonymous coffee lady.
[GASPS] Jackie! Is that you?
- Hello?
- Is that Dana Caldwell?
Oh! What a crazy coincidence.
Brea Bee!
Let's cut to the chase.
How helpful was I in your
relationship with my son?
On a scale of one to ten?
Definitely helpful in learning
what I would never tolerate again.
Does negative seven make sense?
Let me rephrase.
I made your relationship
with my son better, right?
[LAUGHING]
You're a funny lady, Mrs. G.
You seem to enjoy being
an overbearing nightmare.
Do you know how hard it is to
be in a relationship with someone
and there's this third person who's
- Difficult.
- Controlling.
Judgmental.
- Manipulative.
- And terrifying.
Not having to deal with you
has been truly incredible.
My God, Adam has
terrible taste in women.
But maybe he was also right.
While my mom was floored
by what my exes revealed,
Barry had hit a wall in
his search for new friends.
Hey, babe. How was the friend hunt?
Really bad.
Who knew finding another person
to immediately trust, respect,
- and connect with was so hard?
- Maybe everyone?
Luckily, I found someone
who'll always be there for me.
Oh, no. I'm out of
butterscotch drizzle corn!
What can't go wrong today?
Did you eat that whole tub?
I'm so alone.
That was full when I left this morning.
Why has God forsaken me with
only good looks and intelligence?
That's like three
gallons of sugar and salt.
I'll never make another friend again.
Stop!
You have more friends than you know.
Despite our great rapport,
my relationship with the annoyed woman
at Foot Locker was purely transactional.
Plus, it could never work.
I have a natural inclination
to yell at referees.
No! Remember when you were
secretly watching sports
and weirdly holding
hands with Bill Lewis?
I have a rich and varied life
filled with bizarre adventures.
And remember when Mrs. Kremp
put you in the floral fridge
and now you have coffee sometimes?
Again, my exploits are renowned
for their offbeat and
fantastical nature.
And don't you constantly
go to Mr. Glascott
for advice so personal that
he cries and begs you to stop?
Yeah, but he's the
neighborhood's guidance counselor.
He's not, mostly because
that's not a thing.
He's just your friend.
I have friends?
I have friends.
I have friends!
Now you can relax and bring
the JTP back into your life.
Or I have the perfect crew
to throw in their dumb faces!
As Barry knew exactly what he
had to do to punish the JTP,
my mom was ready to accept
a punishment of her own.
Here's my letter of resignation.
I have clearly failed as a mother.
This shouldn't be at all
unnecessarily dramatic.
As hard as it is for
me to admit, I, uh
I have interfered too
much in your love life.
Gorgeous people make
mistakes, too. I'm sorry.
It happened.
She admitted she was wrong.
[LAUGHS] I finally won!
Yeah, I have a feeling this is gonna
turn on you pretty quickly, buddy.
It's hard to say who revealed
my short-comings first,
- Dana, Jackie, or Brea.
- Faster than I thought.
You talked to my ex-girlfriends?
How else was I going to
determine whether or not
you were right about me
overstepping into your love life
if I didn't interrogate your
exes where they live and work?
You are unbelievable.
This will never be our dynamic.
You know, unless you
try to pull away from me.
The point is, you're right.
- I am the worst.
- Damn straight!
I'll be in my room inhaling the
scent of your toddler pajamas
until you're ready to speak to me again.
You're gonna be
breathing in those R2-D2s
for a long time, lady.
Can you believe her?
The important thing is,
she admitted that
this was all her fault.
I got some bad news for you. It isn't.
Don't get me wrong,
Mom's nutso-butso, but you're to blame.
Me?
But that's, like me.
Despite your ample toy collection,
you're not a kid anymore.
You can't just do everything Mom says
and then blame her when
it doesn't work out.
Mom is who she is.
You need to decide who you are
and then start taking
some responsibility for it.
[ADULT ADAM] It was the day
of the big Eagles tailgate,
and it looked like Barry was a no-show.
At least, until this.
Uh, guys?
JTP, meet my new and
primary friend group.
Your friend group has
quite the age range, Bar.
For my real friends here,
age is just an extremely high number.
These old misfits and I share a history
that bonds us like no other.
Barry, I'm confused.
I thought you were taking me to
an Eagles-themed gospel brunch
for my half-birthday.
Anyway, JTP, look out for
our boundless affection
on the jumbotron.
Unlikely posse, let's go find our seats.
Flattered as I am, I don't know
if I can commit to a friend group.
I prefer to bask in the
glow of one mon ami at a time.
And I've held my tongue long enough,
but I would never join a friend
group that included Bill Lewis.
Oh, here we go.
Let the crazy lady say her crazy words.
The only thing crazy was the
tile work you did in my powder room.
I tried to talk you out
of that faux limestone,
but someone puts way too much
of a premium on slip-resistance.
Is it possible to start a
correspondence friends group
where we all keep in
touch by writing letters?
And I know it was you that complained
to the Homeowners' Association
about my garden gnomes.
Also, FYI, I have a
sourdough proofing at home.
Too bad! We're best friends,
which means we do everything together.
Now, shut up and gel.
I have to admit, I am starting
to feel a real closeness.
See? Odd Mr. Glascott gets it.
The gnomes were creepy!
They're the small but jaunty
guardians of my azaleas.
You have no whimsy, Virginia Kremp!
- [GASPS]
- Look at this give and take, JTP.
It's okay to feel jealous.
- Let it all out.
- Let out our confusion?
I'm jealous of anyone who
understands what's going on.
- No whimsy!
- [VIRGINIA GASPS]
Bill, no! We come and go as one!
I've stood by when people have called me
pinched, dull, and forgettable.
But "no whimsy"?
That is a bridge too far!
You too, Ginzy?
You're the glue!
Well, my sourdough awaits.
Fine!
Okay, JTP, you win.
It doesn't feel like anyone
won whatever this was.
I just don't get it.
You guys have always been enough for me.
Why am I not enough for you?
You've got a girlfriend, man.
Do you have any idea how
bad I want one of those?
I mean, I like my nude dudes,
but I was kinda hoping
some ladies would join us.
And I don't talk about it
much, but I get a lot of action.
But we're not going anywhere, Bar,
because we're more than friends.
We're family.
And we can never break apart,
because we have you, Bar.
You're the glue that's held
us together all these years.
So, I'm like the Ginzy of my
new group, but of this group?
Yeah, sure, if you
wanna put it like that.
Thanks, guys.
JTP for life!
[ALL] JTP for life!
As Barry got the win he wanted,
the only thing I wanted
was not to lose Carmen.
Carmen, I'm sorry.
I got crazy with the possibility
of you coming to New York with me.
But I understand that
you have a life here,
and you should do what's best for you.
Thank you.
I do have a life here,
and it includes you.
I just don't know if it
includes New York yet,
so let's just take it one day at a time.
For you, I'd do anything.
I will follow you
Will you follow me? ♪
Just one single tear ♪
Relationships can be tricky,
whether they're new or the
ones you've had forever.
[MAN] Cheers!
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
[CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
And when we occasionally fumble
- Oh! [LAUGHS]
- Oh!
it's great to have your squad
there to pick you right back up.
But even when your team is the best,
sometimes you just have to take
the ball and run with it on your own.
Follow me ♪
[CHUCKLES]
- What was that for?
- Just 'cause I love you.
know will be ♪
I will stay with you ♪
Because when we're surrounded
by the people who do
nothing but love us,
we become a team that
everyone can root for.
- Hi, Adam.
- There he is.
[JACKIE] The reason we're all here.
What is happening right now?
What's happening is I've made
peace with all your former sweeties.
Turns out, voicing
all the horrible things
she did has, uh, cleared the air.
- The pushiness.
- The overstepping.
The overwhelming torrent of guilt.
Okay, ladies, I think he gets it.
And now we're going to lunch.
- Uh
- You know what? I'm going, too.
Oh.
I have some things I'd love to
say to you, as well, Beverly.
Ahhh!
Let's order wine. That'll really
open the floodgates, huh?
- [WOMEN CHUCKLE]
- Ah
[GROANS]