The Goldbergs s10e22 Episode Script

1
[ADULT ADAM] Back in the '80s,
I loved making movies,
and the flick that lit my fuse
was Back to the Future.
To me, Michael J. Fox as Marty McFly
was the epitome of cool,
and I had props to prove it.
- Like, all of them.
- DeLorean.
Man, I loved that movie,
no matter how many times I saw it.
It's official. 31 viewings
and it still holds up.
Ah, it's no Guns of Navarone.
You say that about
every movie, Pop-Pop.
Including, oddly, The Guns of Navarone.
Adam, why do you wear that dumb
vest every time you watch it?
It puts me in the experience.
Plus, my bosom area runs chilly.
You don't need a vest.
Mama will make sure her
baby's boy-bosom stays warm.
Is it better or worse
that she says those things
in front of me?
Mom, don't be like that
creepy lady in the movie
who's got the hots for her son.
Excuse me, but I would hardly
call the greatest mother-son
romance of all time "creepy".
Silence.
I, who dominate all tenses
past, present, future,
summer, and fall
have figured out the movie's lesson.
Well, he's gonna say it anyway,
so what'cha got, Bar?
That Doc Brown is nothing but trouble,
so never make friends with the elderly.
- Sorry, Pop-Pop.
- No, don't apologize. I'm good with it.
I think the movie explores
the age-old question
what would you do if you could
go back and change the past?
Not a damn thing.
I'm sorry, didn't your wife take off,
so you abandoned your sons
to fend for themselves?
I know what I'd change. I'd sit more.
I'd go back to when my three
Schmoos were at William Penn.
Oh, we'd totally be besties.
Somehow, time travel is the most
believable part of what you just said.
Mom, you wouldn't go back
to your own high school?
[SCOFFS] Funny you
should bring that up.
There is a reunion this
Saturday, but I'm not going.
- Well, why not?
- Well, it would be exhausting having to explain
to everyone all night
that I'm not a current junior.
You do gibe off the vibes of someone
- who doesn't understand the world yet.
- Aw.
Also, I don't want to go alone,
and the next day,
I'm throwing Muriel a surprise
first birthday party.
Yeah, no need to whisper.
It's Sunday at 10:00 and
they're taking you to the park first,
- so act surprised.
- Yeah, babies don't know crap.
She still thinks I got
her nose. [CHUCKLES]
It's a thumb, dumb-dumb.
Adam, you should take
your mom to her reunion.
Me? You know I'm Adam, right?
Carmen, listen to me carefully
I finally like you now.
- It's not happening.
- But she doesn't want to go alone.
I wish I could, but, you know,
I've gotta think of an excuse dammit!
There was too much pressure.
Diarrhea! Is that something?
Marty McFly would do anything
to help his mother.
All right, fine. It's a date.
- Oh, no! Wrong words!
- Yay!
I have a date for the reunion,
and he's adorable!
I'm gonna chew on my sweet,
sweet arm candy.
[BARKING]
I'm twisted up inside ♪
But nonetheless
I feel the need to say ♪
I don't know the future ♪
But the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪
[ADULT ADAM] It was 1980-something,
and Barry and Joanne
had been living together
for a while now,
but had finally put their own
special stamp on the place.
Welcome to the homestead!
We made some changes
since you were here last.
- [DOOR CLOSES]
- Is that an arcade claw machine
- where the sofa should be?
- Ahem, that's a skill crane
to sharpen my baby's surgical skills.
For instance, this morning,
I extracted a plush dolphin
on the third try.
That could someday be
somebody's infected spleen.
In that case, three suddenly
seems like too many tries.
Knock-knock.
Why do you say "knock-knock"
when we walked in anyway?
Sue me for being playful, Linda.
- Ah. Hey, Mom and Dad.
- [DOOR CLOSES]
Older, wizened Schwartzes,
welcome to the Love Shack.
Ah, you can just call it
anything other than that.
We just stopped by with
a little housewarming gift.
I bet I know what it is.
When Geoff and Erica moved in together,
they got our Nana's china and flatware.
Ta-da!
It's a gymnosperm.
Oh.
Look at that.
- A plant.
- Huh.
Are your dead Nana's
ancestral forks and spoons
buried underneath that hideous flower?
Yeah, Mom [SCOFFS]
where's the good stuff?
Well, you did break a lot of plates
when you were staying with us.
We were having Greek food, Linda.
That's what you do.
But also, they got china because
we knew their union was permanent.
Well, me and Jo Jo are way
more permanent than these fools.
Fools? We're married with a child.
Oh, desperately changing the subject
how is Muriel? Is she talking yet?
No, Mother, and you
constantly asking about it
is certainly not a point
of anxiety for a new parent.
She's just saying you were
speaking full sentences
at nine months.
It seems Muriel's a little more Goldberg
than Schwartz, if you know what I mean.
[LAUGHS] He got you good, Erica.
Enough about them. You guys don't
think our relationship is permanent?
Yeah, Louis, I'm not good
enough for your daughter?
Barry, we love you like a son.
It's just, every relationship
needs at least one adult.
Louie coming off the top rope
with the truth elbow.
- With these two, it's Geoffrey.
- Wait, what?
But you two are each well,
how do I put this tactfully?
Eh, ridiculous.
It's hard for us
to take you two seriously.
I mean, look at this place.
It's like an abandoned Chuck E. Cheese.
- You mean the happiest place on Earth?
- I do not.
Come on, Linda. We gave them the thing.
- Let's go.
- Love you.
- We're rooting for you.
- [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
[ADULT ADAM] No one took
Barry and Joanne seriously,
and my mom was seriously
excited for her big reunion.
Ah, Beverly, I am so glad
you decided to go.
I can't wait to see everyone.
I always forget you two
went to high school together.
Yeah, so do I, and I was there.
[ALL LAUGH]
I'm not sure how to take that.
Who's George Meyerson?
He signed your yearbook
"George and Bev forever".
George was your mother's
first serious boyfriend.
Ginzy, Murray was my
mom's first boyfriend,
and then husband,
and eventually listless father
to my siblings and me.
She's talking about high school.
How did I not know this?
Wait, is this the George?
The one I've always heard about?
Oh, so Essie's in the loop?
Yes, he's that George.
- Ooh!
- You were Best Couple?
We had our moments.
Well, you certainly had some
moments at Senior Beach Day.
- And at the prom.
- And behind the oak tree.
Oh, Ginzy, you're terrible.
Why? What happened behind the oak tree?
Was it friendship and a solemn respect
that didn't involve touching in any way?
It was innocent, Adam.
We were sweethearts our senior year,
then the next year, I went to college
and your father swept me off my feet.
I just don't know how
to feel about this.
Feel about what?
Before I was married,
I was a person with a life.
And what if he's there tonight
and wants to resume that life?
Oh, pfft.
He's probably chubby and bald by now.
Dad wasn't exactly Patrick Swayze.
I hear he's married
and lives in Rochester.
We once stayed in Rochester
on our way to Montreal.
Don't tell the Rochester
story tonight, Ginzy.
- It's a real yawn.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, girls, help me get ready.
We've only got two hours for hairspray,
- so it's gonna be down to the wire. Come on.
- Ooh!
[ADULT ADAM] While I felt uneasy
tagging along with my mom,
Barry was looking for an easy way
to prove he and Joanne had legs.
JTP!
Friendship and brutal honesty!
[TOGETHER] JTP! Friendship and brutal
- Honesty?
- Yeah, what was the second part?
- Do we have a new slogan?
- A few years back, I suggested
"Gentlemen Warriors",
but I was told to zip it.
Zip it, Naked Rob.
It has come to my attention
that people think
of me and Joanne as ridiculous.
- Can you believe that?
- Um
Can we try an easier question?
I'm gonna keep staring at my shoes.
What the hell, JTP?
Why are we not taken seriously?
Well, in the last presidential election,
- you both wrote in Spuds MacKenzie.
- Yeah.
He's a Beltway outsider
who understands our generation.
The only thing in your guys'
freezer is a dozen snowballs.
For a summer sneak attack
on those smug sixth graders
down the block.
And you both literally
fall down laughing
whenever I mention my grandma's angina.
[CHUCKLES] To lighten
the mood. You know what?
Stop providing shaky
evidence of the problem,
and tell me how to fix it.
Maybe you guys can talk about
serious subjects. Politics or something.
Too much work. Next.
You could throw a dinner party.
My parents do that a lot.
I think it's so they don't have
to be alone together.
- Next.
- Maybe try to think about what it means
to be adults in terms of moving forward.
Very helpful, Matthew.
Cool. I-I honestly didn't think
Your idea was such a floating turd,
it made Naked Rob's clunker seem decent.
Ergo, dinner party it is.
- Always happy to help.
- You do?
He is not a Warrior Gentleman.
[ADULT ADAM] While Barry
decided to throw a dinner party,
my mom and her classmates were
in a party mood at the reunion.
"Enchanted Waters"?
Isn't that from that time travel movie
we just watched with,
um, Marcus J. Frogs?
You know what? It's your night.
- I'll give you that.
- [GASPS] Hey, look.
Beverly, it's George Meyerson.
Oh, my God, it is him.
And he looks exactly the same.
He's coming over here.
Shut up, Ginzy. Shut up!
I literally didn't say a thing.
Well, well, well.
Beverly Solomon.
George.
It is so nice to see you.
Well, not that it's a competition,
but it's even nicer
to see you, so I win.
Hello, George.
Virginia Hollingsworth-Kremp.
I went here as well.
Didn't you drown sophomore year?
No, that was another girl.
Sorry, I just have this memory
of delivering lasagna
to a grieving blonde family.
No, no, we were in
four classes together,
and then we shared a locker
senior year when they were one short.
- Remember?
- Yeah.
Yeah, I'm really digging deep.
I'm I'm coming up with bupkis.
Sorry.
Ginzy, stop making George uncomfortable.
- Go introduce yourself to the rest of the class.
- [SIGHS]
I already know everybody, but okay.
There he is. Just the guy
I've been looking for.
Uh, gin and tonic, easy ice.
What would you like, Bev?
To introduce you to my son, Adam.
Get out of here. How about that?
Boy, he's a regular Tom Cruise, huh?
- He gets that all the time.
- I do?
Well, I whisper it every morning.
He's my little Top Gun co-pilot.
Oh, gosh.
Bev, I heard about Murray.
I'm I'm so, so sorry.
Well, thank you. That's very nice.
Where's your old ball and chain?
Surely, she's here
hanging up your coats,
and then she'll stand dutifully by
your side for the rest of the evening?
Actually, I lost Vivian, too.
Not like at the mall.
She's dead.
I'm so sorry. I-I guess
we're in the same boat.
What? Like on, uh, Senior Lake Day?
Well, that was one for the ages.
- [LAUGHS]
- Yeah.
How many senior days were there?
Eh, Bev, why don't we, eh,
get a couple drinks at the bar,
catch up a little bit?
Yeah, ol' Bev here
ain't much of a drinker.
But you probably would have learned that
if your personal history together
didn't hit a brick wall senior year.
Well, you know, one little
cocktail never hurt anyone.
Eh. Come on, Bev. Let's do this.
Unless Lenny Roper's
already drank all the booze.
[BOTH LAUGH]
He wrecked his life with poor decisions.
I know.
To prove that they were
a serious couple,
Barry and Joanne decided to
have a serious adult dinner party,
or at least their version of one.
Good eventide, dear guests.
Sorry, we're here to
see my nut so brother.
How droll. May I take your coats?
He sees that we're
not wearing any, doesn't he?
I'm not sure what's happening.
- Nice suit, Bar.
- [DOOR CLOSES]
Where are the rest
of the Blues Brothers?
What a pleasant bon mot,
dearest friend, Geoffrey.
I purchased this at Macy's,
in the adult section.
Joanne, dear, company has arriven.
[BRITISH ACCENT] Charmed, charmed.
When did you get a British accent?
Oh, aren't you a cheeky
bloke, brother dear.
So, just in the last few minutes, then.
Now, do sit.
[ADULT ADAM] And so they did,
and things only got weirder.
How are mortgage rates
treating you, Mother?
Rally, Jo Jo?
You're interested in mortgages?
One day, Barry and I
hope to own a home,
so we have to start thinking
about whatever mortgages are.
- Joanne, dear
- Hm?
regale our guests
about your love of horsing.
Well, I have been in
the market for a stallion.
Of course, she already has one me.
[BOTH] Mwuh-mwuh-mwuh-mwuh-mwuh.
Are you two okay? Is there a gas leak?
- No, but we do have some very upsetting news.
- Mm.
Matt Bradley's grandmother has angina.
Yes, we've known that for years.
But did you know she has acute angina?
It's something we've been discussing
without bursting out laughing.
[STIFLES A LAUGH]
I guess that's refreshing.
Last week, you two
literally fell off the couch
when I said I was going to
the office to tend to my duties.
So, so droll.
[ADULT ADAM] While Barry and Joanne
were trying out some new personas,
my mom and George were settling
back into their old ways.
Holy hell.
You published a cookbook?
I did.
Nobody knows this, but I'm famous.
You know, Bev, I gotta say,
I wasn't sure about coming here tonight,
but seeing you has been magical.
Magic, you say?
Oh, good. He's back.
Go ahead. Pour this milk
into this newspaper.
- This is the one who's almost 20?
- Mm-hmm.
[MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]
- Nope.
- What are you doing, man?
What a mess!
Come on, Mama, let's get as far away
from this clumsy man as we can!
[ADULT ADAM] As I tried to
keep my mom and George apart,
Barry and Joanne were trying
to hold their dinner together.
So, what'd you make?
One of those stupid lambs
where they put little
chef's hats on their feet?
[NORMAL VOICE]
What are you talking about?
- You made dinner.
- Uh, no.
So we have nothing to serve?
What are we gonna do?
There's that wing place on the corner.
Give me 20 bucks.
I only have three.
[BARRY] Here you go, miss.
[SLIGHT BRITISH ACCENT]
One for you, one for you.
Bon appetit.
And just so you know, there's
no more where that came from.
You guys forgot about
the food, didn't you?
[NORMAL VOICE] For sure. Yes.
[ADULT ADAM]
While Barry and Joanne proved
they'd never be taken seriously,
my mom and George were proving
to have a real history.
My God, were we ever that young?
I know, right?
Here's a big change she's
a full-fledged granny now.
- Really?
- Really.
This lady [SCOFFS] long gone.
I don't know. Still
looks pretty great to me.
Well, I love being a grandma.
In fact, if you're still in town,
we're having her first
birthday party tomorrow.
Adorable. I would love that.
Ooh, that's too bad.
Erica's adamant about the guest list.
- Family only.
- Adam, what are you doing?
Just reminding you tomorrow's a big day.
Ol' Bevy here needs her granny sleep.
I think I can handle it.
Yeah.
George, what do you say
we hit the photo booth?
[ADULT ADAM]
For the first time in my life,
my mom was actually interested
in someone more than me.
[GIGGLING] Oh.
This is going right
on my fridge at home.
Wow. It's kinda squished in here, huh?
Haven't been this close in a long time.
Don't worry! There's room for one more!
[ADULT ADAM] There really wasn't.
And while I tried to
horn in on their fun,
Barry figured being fun
was no longer an option.
What are you doing?
Tossing out all the stuff
that makes us us.
- [SCOFFS]
- Goodbye, gumball machine.
Goodbye, hilarious happy hour clock
where every number is five.
Can you help me push
the skill crane out the window?
No, Barry, not the skill crane.
This stuff is who we are.
But everyone thinks we're ridiculous,
and after tonight, it's hard to argue.
But we're not. [SCOFFS]
We're two people who love each
other and have fun together,
and if we can't be that, then I
don't want to be anything else.
You're right.
- I don't care if we're ridiculous.
- Mm.
As long as we're ridiculous together.
I just wish there was a way that
we could make everybody see
that we can be fun and serious.
Maybe there is.
[ADULT ADAM] As Barry and Joanne
had an idea to shake things up,
my mom and her old beau
had some moves of their own.
Alright, folks, we are going to
slow it down a little.
Balls! Not a slow song.
[ADULT ADAM] I couldn't give up.
All I could do now was
channel my hero, Marty McFly
in Back to the Future.
[FEEDBACK WHINES]
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?
Sorry, but this is an emergency.
My mom's dancing with someone
who's not my dad.
[ADULT ADAM] The only
problem I didn't play guitar.
[SOUR NOTES PLAYING]
I'm not what you call musical.
I don't think this is tuned.
Maybe this?
Is this something?
Not even a little.
Go, Johnny, go, go, go ♪
Did I do it? Are we back in the future?
Adam F. Goldberg!
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Suddenly, you and Mr. Class Personality
- are inseparable.
- Bev, it's okay.
I get what's happening here.
It's probably best I take off.
But it was great seeing you. [CHUCKLES]
Why would you ruin my night with George?
Because he's not Dad, okay?
Adam, your father was one of a kind.
There will never be anyone
who can replace him.
It still seems like you're trying to.
Okay, I don't get it.
Why now?
Where was all this concern
when I was seeing Mr. Perott?
That doofy guidance counselor?
Nobody thought that was anything.
But you obviously have a real
history with this George guy.
I do!
And it's nice.
And don't you think that just maybe
I deserve a chance to see where it goes?
- I don't know.
- [SIGHS]
What you did tonight was really unfair.
[ADULT ADAM]
By dabbling in my mom's past,
I had messed with her future,
and I felt awful.
Pop-Pop, I am such an idiot.
No argument from me.
But But I guess say more?
I ran off a decent man
that my mom could have
found happiness with.
Well, go get him back.
He's probably halfway
to Rochester by now.
How would I possibly get there?
I don't even have a car.
I think I can help you.
A DeLorean?
Yeah, my idiot son Marvin
owed me a bunch of money,
and this is how he
paid me back. [CHUCKLES]
Isn't it hideous?
It's the most beautiful
thing I've ever seen.
Oh, be careful.
I used some spare parts
to fix my coffee maker.
Are you telling me
you made a coffee machine
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
out of a DeLorean?
Well, don't say it so weird, but yeah.
Now take it already.
Up to 88 miles per hour?
What? No. That's way
over the speed limit.
Am I making a mistake
giving this to you?
No, I'll respect all traffic laws.
Let's do this.
[ADULT ADAM] Sometimes,
we yearn to go back
- and fix the past.
- [ENGINE STARTS]
The license plate fell off!
This kid. Eh.
[ADULT ADAM] Other times,
we rush headlong into the future.
Okay. Say "Dada".
Say "Dada".
Or "Mama". My feelings
won't be hurt too much.
Hello, siblings!
Normal greetings!
What's with the creepy smiles?
I believe what you mean to say is,
"What's with the creepy smiles,
Mr. and Mrs. Goldberg?"
That doesn't make
any sense You didn't!
- They didn't!
- We did.
- We got married!
- [BOTH LAUGH]
You eloped?
Mom is gonna kill you!
Kill us with hugs and kisses.
No, I mean literally kill you
dead when she finds out
that she didn't get to plan
and ruin your big day.
And despite the fact that
they don't have to pay for it,
Mom and Dad won't be much happier.
I guess we weren't really
thinking about anyone else.
It'll be fine. We just need to pick
- the right moment to tell them.
- Mm.
Like in a couple years, or never.
- Yeah. Never sounds good.
- No, that would only make things worse.
You have to do it today.
- Then today it is, my love.
- Mm.
I will happily tell the whole world.
Oh, we really are the best couple here.
By a lot.
[ADULT ADAM] While Barry and
Joanne had made their union official,
I figured there was one reunion
that could fix things with my mom.
Mom, I just want to say
I'm really sorry.
It's fine, Adam.
It's not.
I got so caught up in my own feelings,
I didn't think about yours.
So why don't we just forget about it?
Okay. George?
Bev, I just popped by
to see if that invitation
to your granddaughter's
birthday party was still good?
You really came all the way out
here for a baby's birthday party?
That, and I wasn't gonna
wait another 30 years
to see you again.
[REO SPEEDWAGON'S
"TIME FOR ME TO FLY" PLAYS]
I've been around for you ♪
Well, I don't know what to say.
- How about a "yes"?
- Hm?
- Well, then, yes.
- [ADULT ADAM] Yep.
Life back then was full
of wonderful surprises,
whether it was an old flame
- or new ones on a birthday cake.
- Happy birthday to you ♪
And the best part was we got
to share them
with the people we love.
Look at how happy
our parents are right now.
It's the perfect time to tell them!
- Okay.
- Okay.
Mom, Lou, Linda,
I have something to say.
[MURIEL] Bubbe.
- [LAUGHS]
- Was that her first word?
It was! She said something.
It was clearly Bubbe. That's me.
- I'm I'm her Bubbe.
- Our baby's a genius.
She really is a Schwartz.
We can't steal that baby's thunder.
Fine. We'll tell them
when things are calmer.
No rush.
Time for me to fly ♪
[ADULT ADAM] No doubt about it,
the '80s were the best years of my life.
What a crazy and wonderful time
to grow up
the movies, the music, the clothes.
But the thing that made
that decade really special
was my family.
But it's time for me to fly ♪
We didn't always get along.
Stop videotaping!
We made a lot of mistakes.
Too many, really.
Don't forget to wash your bottom.
But at the end of the day,
we always had each other.
It's time for me to fly ♪
My mom always said family
was everything,
and she couldn't have been more right.
It's time for me to fly ♪
And even if I had a time
machine and could go back,
I wouldn't change a thing.
It's time for me to fly ♪
So, where are we headed?
I don't know. Let's find out.
- [ENGINE STARTS]
- It's time for me to fly ♪
[ADULT ADAM] It was 1980-something,
and it was awesome.
[BEVERLY] Barry Goldberg, you did what?
[LAUGHING]
I'm gonna miss you guys!