8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s11e01 Episode Script
James Acaster, Lee Mack, Sarah Millican, John Cooper
This programme contains strong language and adult humour CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown Jon Richardson, Lee Mack, Sarah Millican, James Acaster, Dr John Cooper Clarke, Susie Dent and Rachel Riley! Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! Yeah! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, a baby porcupine is called a porcupette.
"Porkupette" is also a chat-up line in Newcastle.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tolkien typed the 1,200-page manuscript of Lord Of The Rings using only two fingers.
I bet that was bloody MORDOR! And "amen" is the last word in the Bible.
God says it, then he drops the mic and crowd surfs out on a bunch of lepers.
Right, let's get started.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Jon Richardson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Jon recently filmed a documentary about irrational fears.
What if they're not irrational, Jon? What if you ARE boring and everyone DOES hate you? And Jon's team-mate, James Acaster.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.
Where would James be without comedy? Well, I imagine hanging out at a Games Workshop, wondering what it's like to touch a girl's boob.
I'm still doing half of those things.
- Up against them, it's special guest team captain Lee Mack.
- Hi.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Lee excelled at school.
Sorry, Lee was EXPELLED at school.
And joining Lee tonight, Sarah Millican.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Sarah founded the online feminist magazine, Standard Issue.
If you want to check it out, ladies, it's easy - just get your husband or your dad to set it up on the computer for you.
- SHE GASPS - Ooh! Well, if that got me in trouble, I might as well go all in.
OK.
The classic Jimmy Carr catchphrase.
APPLAUSE - You set up Standard Issue, right? - Yes.
Well, tell us a little bit about it.
What is it? Oh, it's a no-bullshit women's magazine.
Cos I don't like women's magazines generally, cos I don't care about the things they write about.
So we set up one that has things that women are interested in which is, you know, everything.
So a no-bullshit women's magazine.
Normal women's magazines have just got It's kind of just adverts for bags.
Like, if you buy Vogue Do you women's ma? Well, maybe you do, cos you could get tips on how to creosote your face, for example.
APPLAUSE Well! If I go on it, will they know I'm a man having a sneaky peak? - I don't know why you would - I've been on it, they can't tell.
Well, it's levels of testosterone.
So maybe you'd be all right.
Good! SARAH LAUGHS OK.
Sarah is from the North East.
And, fun fact, human beings share 99.
9% of our DNA with Geordies.
I'm technically a Sanddancer, so South Shields.
- But also - A Sanddancer? - Yeah, it sounds rubbish, doesn't it? My hometown is Southport, and they are the Sandgrounders.
- Oh, really? - It's not all comedy, some of it's information.
My hometown is Lancaster, and we call ourselves Lancastrians, cos we don't like to take the piss.
James, where are you from, and what do they call you lot? I am from Kettering, and they call us legends.
APPLAUSE Nice.
- OK, Lee, I mean, you strike me as quite a wise man.
- Yeah.
What's your motto in life? Well, I've got quite a few, actually, Jimmy.
I've got quite a lot of mottos.
First of all, my motto in life is, "Never put off until tomorrow "what can be put off until the day after tomorrow.
" "Never return to lit firework "unless you're pretty sure it's probably gone out.
" "Girls DO just want to have fun.
"But apparently not with me.
" And, finally, "If life gives you lemons, say, " 'I'm sorry, life, I didn't ask for lemons.
" 'I asked for a hot girlfriend and a speedboat.
' " I mean, all good.
Sarah, you recently tweeted about unblocking a toilet with a bath mat.
- That's a good one, isn't it? - How did you? Well, all you need to unblock toilet is basically creating a vacuum.
And I just got the You know the bath mat, and I just did that a bit, and it - Was it rubber? - Yeah.
Oh, yeah, it wasn't like a fluffy one.
- Cos you need purchase, don't you? - Yeah.
- You need something And then you just cover the hole, and you just do that for ages, and thenall good, and then you just, you know, chuck the bath mat in the bath.
Have you got any other housekeeping tips? Any other? - This is a good one.
- OK, go on.
If you ever have to keep a dog poo in your fridge I've had to, because the dog wasn't very well, so I had to take samples three days in a row.
So you have to keep the first two fresh before you take them to the vet.
Makes total sense.
And I thought, "Well, whereabouts in the fridge?" And then I realised, "Salad crisper, cos there's never anything in it.
" APPLAUSE OK.
James, is it fair to say you're a bit of an oddball? Clearly not.
I'm pretty cool.
Pretty happening guy in most of my circles.
If I venture outside of those borders opinions vary.
Do you think your cooler than Jon? Here's something you've got to know early doors, Jimmy.
Coolness is not a competition.
- Me and Jon, we hit the town, sometimes, together.
- Ooh.
In the daytime, to do some shopping.
Best time to hit the town, when everyone's there and the shops are open, and everyone knows our name at certain shops.
Well, that's cos you're probably wearing nametags.
We do wear nametags.
And do you know what? Once, do you remember this? We swapped them round for a laugh.
His name's not James.
APPLAUSE I didn't realise he would be such a titty toucher! Guilty! OK.
Jon, what's your favourite party game? Oh, er Turn It Down.
What's Turn It Down? Just turn it down, turn everything down.
Turn the music down, turn the level of the fridge down to save the environment.
Turn your personality down, you're getting on my tits.
Pin the blame on the drunkie.
Just smash some stuff in someone's house and blame it on the most drunk person there.
"You bloody ran headfirst into that vase, didn't you?" He didn't, I just threw it out the window.
That's me at a party, isn't it? I'd had two Babychams.
OK.
James, have you got a mascot this evening? I have brought a mascot along with me.
This is - Willoughby.
- AUDIENCE: Ahh.
Don't "ahh" him, he's a prick.
I moved out of my parent's house and, after a month, I went back to say hello.
And this was on the sofa.
I said, "Who's that?" She went, "It's Willoughby.
" I went, "Why did you knit him? And she went, "To replace you.
" He's literally my replacement.
I hate him.
I don't see how that's even Look at its face! Not happy, is it? That's not She made him a jacket as well.
She's got a jacket for him that he wears.
Just he lounges around the house in this.
- It really is house colours, isn't it? - Yeah.
Well, yeah.
- Remember, it's meant to be Look at that! - Oh, that's a lovely jacket.
That comes out.
It's ridiculous.
What is that? It's a little handkerchief for mopping his brow when he's had a tough day being an knobhead.
Thanks for sharing.
OK.
Sarah, have you got a mascot? - Yes, I have.
- What did you bring? I've got a bit of time off after this show, so I've got a tool belt.
Like a time-off tool belt.
A time-off tool belt? I like the idea.
Let me just There we go.
So that's what it looks like.
So if I put it on So this is so I can sit on the sofa and not have to move.
A flask for tea, biscuits, telly remote, spare biscuits, a funnel in case I need a wee .
.
and then a courgette.
WHOOPING People say that cucumbers are better, but I don't agree.
Just, you know, one of your five a day, Jimmy.
That's what I mean.
- You do it five times a day? - Yeah.
APPLAUSE You have to do you have to have courgettes, cos they just disintegrate after a while.
This is like the worst sex line ever.
"Can I speak to Barbara instead?" Presumably, if the remote control is there, your husband is at home, have quite the shit evening.
I like to imagine him sitting there, "Oh, there's no remote con - "Oh, and she's taken the courgette.
What am I going to do?" - Yeah.
"Bored!" "And I tell you what, "that chocolate Bounty I found in the fridge was off.
" GROANING - I love it.
Well, I love the tool belt.
It's a great idea.
- Thanks.
Lee, did you bring a mascot? I decided I was going to bring my lucky buttons.
They've been with me for long time.
They always bring me luck.
I'm so organised as well, I've numbered my lucky buttons.
I give them all little number.
- Can we see them? - My lucky buttons.
So I'll be My lucky buttons are there.
APPLAUSE You, er You can't have a calculator on the show, Lee.
- Can I not use that, then? - No.
You can't use a calculator.
What about my lucky letters? Can I use those? If he can't use his mascot, does that mean I can't use my mascot? Not the courgette, no.
APPLAUSE Do you know what? Who needs? Who needs these things when you've got Sarah Milligan on your si? Can I keep hold of the dictionary? OK, Jon, have you got a mascot? I've been in my lab a lot lately.
Been down in my lab LEE: I hope you don't mean your dog! APPLAUSE I shall rephrase that to avoid any ambiguity.
I've been right up my spaniel the last couple of weeks.
I've been in my lab, looking for a solution to the energy crisis that's happening across the world.
We're burning up all the fossil fuels, we're going to die.
What is there an abundance of in the world? Well, smugness, Jimmy.
And I've found a way of transforming smugness into electricity.
And I've watched back some of these shows, and I can't help but notice that I'm a I think I'm a smug twat.
So this is The other end of this lead is in me .
.
and I'm hoping, at some point this evening, if I feel particularly proud of myself, the bulb will light and then we'll know that my studies have not been wasted.
- So it's a light bulb powered by your smugness? - Yeah.
It's a light bulb today, but tomorrow it could be a Toyota Yaris.
OK.
Over in Dictionary Corner, it's legendary performance poet Dr John Cooper Clarke! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Making a living from poetry isn't easy, which is why John supplements his income by standing in a field and scaring away crows.
You are a renowned wordsmith.
Have you got any favourite words, John? They're all pretty good.
OK.
And with John, of course, it's Susie Dent! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Susie has a new book out called Dent's Modern Tribes, and congratulations are in order, because it's number three on Amazon's chart, right between Nytol and ketamine.
Susie, we've got John on the show tonight.
He's a legendary poet.
Are there any rhyming words that you particularly like? Well, John is an expert at rhyme, and I was telling him how much I genuinely love his poetry, and there was one that I particularly liked, which he said he wrote for Valentine's Day.
So - It got out of hand.
- It got out of hand.
There are four lines that made me think of you, in fact, Jimmy.
- Oh, go on.
- I just scribbled them down.
You've got this slippery quality It makes me think of phlegm And a dual personality I hate both of them.
Beautifully put.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - I like that that's from your poem, Twat.
- Yep.
- That's right.
- It is.
And, in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley! CHEERING Rachel appeared on a celebrity version of Child Genius, where she was beaten by a 12-year-old in a maths challenge.
And there's me thinking dancing on Strictly would have been the most embarrassing thing in your career.
APPLAUSE Rachel, where do you see yourself in ten years? Well, in ten years, hopefully I'll have been working in telly for 18 years.
So I'll probably be testifying against someone I've worked with.
APPLAUSE OK.
The prize the teams will be competing for the night is this, the Countdown fridge-freezer! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING LAUGHTER - You should never climb in a fridge.
Do we not say that? - I was going to say, you need to do the warning - about that, don't you? - The warning, er, if you're watching this, don't get in a fridge.
The problem with you saying it, Jimmy, is it sounds like a challenge.
LAUGHTER OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for our first game.
Lee, Sarah, you get the first pick of the letters.
Surely Sarah Lee.
LAUGHTER Are they still going, Sara Lee gateaux? Oh, yeah, they're not just cakes, either, all sorts of shit.
- LAUGHTER - They've become like a big company.
I mean, it's probably not We can have this conversation in the bar afterwards.
LAUGHTER This is a bit awkward, do you think we're going for a drink? LAUGHTER We'll start with a consonant, please, Rachel.
Thank you, Lee.
M.
Vowel.
- V.
A.
- Upside down.
LAUGHTER It's your only job, Rachel.
Rachel, it's forgivable that you put it upside down but it's not forgivable that you then thought it was a V.
LAUGHTER It's got a line through the middle of it! How do we know that first one's not a W? - Yeah! - LAUGHTER It's extra pointy.
Consonant.
- N.
- Consonant.
- D.
- Vowel.
- O.
- Consonant.
- R.
- Vowel.
- I.
- Consonant.
V.
There we go.
Oh, sure it's not an A? LAUGHTER Vowel.
And the last one.
U.
And for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER AND CHEERING Ta.
Would you like a? I got you, er Sarah, would you like a Carr Bar? - Yeah, yeah, OK.
- They're delicious.
Woo.
Aw.
LAUGHTER Jon, I got you a chocolate as well.
A Tobler-Moan.
LAUGHTER Does this taste of you? Put it in your mouth and see.
You should try first cos you've got the reference point.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Lee, what have you got? This is nice, innit? The Carr's Bars.
Oh, it looks lovely on the outside but I bet it's hollow in the middle.
LAUGHTER How many letters? Oh, yeah, forgot about that.
Right, start the clock, let's get on with it.
LAUGHTER Lee, you're inhaling a chocolate bar.
- I'm not getting any of this.
- How much have you eaten? I'm diabetic.
LAUGHTER - It's either this or faint.
- How many letters? - Five big ones.
- Sarah? - I've got six.
- Jon? - I've got seven.
- And James? - Six.
OK.
Lee, your five? - Round.
- Sarah, your six? Domain.
- James? - My six is random.
OK, and Jon, your seven? I was hoping that a saviour whose name is Dave might be a daviour.
LAUGHTER Ermno.
- Well, six points to both teams.
- Sorry.
APPLAUSE John Cooper Clarke, Susie Dent, could they have done any better? They could've had around.
Put the A on.
Ah, I didn't put the A on! - Mmm.
- LAUGHTER What an idiot! It's weird, innit, you're all laughing but you didn't think of it either, did you? So at the end of that, both teams have six points.
APPLAUSE Onto our first numbers round.
OK, Jon, James, you get to pick the numbers.
Because there's two Jons on, you said, "John, you're a sort of renowned poet," earlier, and I thought you meant me.
So I wondered if for the rest of the show I could be known as Rico.
LAUGHTER - Rico? - Yeah.
I just think that'll save a lot of confusion, cos it's the other name I go by.
LAUGHTER You know with nicknames normally other people give you the nickname and they use it a lot, you don't give it to yourself because you didn't have any friends when you were younger? LAUGHTER Jimmy, I would also like to be called Rico.
LAUGHTER So your team would like to be Rico and Rico? It's just how I feel, it's what I would like to be known as.
Nothing is going to change my mind.
We're Rico and Rico.
Well, Rico and Rico, pick your numbers.
What did you want? One big, two big, three big, four big? I don't know what you just said.
LAUGHTER - Four big! - Oh, Jesus.
- Four.
- Four.
Seven.
50, 25 and 75.
And the target OK, and your time starts now.
OK, so the target was 453.
Jon, did you get it? LAUGHTER OK, erJames, did you get it? I've got 54.
LAUGHTER - 54? - Yup.
- OK.
And how did you get that? - 100x7 - LAUGHTER OK, all right, er - Sarah, did you get it? - Yes, I think so, yes.
- And Lee, did you get it? - I did it, yeah, I got it.
OK, Sarah, how did you get it? 4x100.
- It's 400.
- Yep.
- Plus 50.
- 450.
- And 75 divided by 25 is three, and add that on.
Yeah, well done.
APPLAUSE - And Jon, how did you do it? - I got the same as she got, mate.
- LAUGHTER - I wrote it down.
I used brackets and everything.
I'm amazed the light didn't go off with the brackets.
- Well, it's temperamental, isn't it? - LAUGHTER I try really hard to be smug.
LAUGHTER Ah, I need a compliment.
- Well, II - And you're just not the guy.
Which is why I've sought love elsewhere.
Hello.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Time to go across to Dictionary Corner.
John Cooper Clarke, have you got any poems for us? I do, thanks for asking, Jim, yeah.
LAUGHTER This one's called Pies.
It's about pies.
LAUGHTER A homely girl named Anne couldn't get a man.
Her mother told her, "Darling, don't you cry, "you'll knock 'em down like skittles some farinaceous vittles.
"You'll always get a guy with a pie.
" - LAUGHTER - "The salad's in the bin, "I've never seen a gym "but I'll be there to watch those fuckers die.
" - LAUGHTER - "Mincemeat or steak, "it's better than a cake.
"You'll always get a guy with a pie.
" "Even when they are stale, "they taste OK with ale at the point where hunger pangs intensify.
"Cold-weather grub available in the public house, "you'll always get a pie-eyed guy with a pie.
"You'll always get a guy with a pie.
"What else you gonna do with that leftover stew and those "cuts of meat you can't identify?" "Ingredients of this sort just tastes better under shortcrust.
" - LAUGHTER - "You'll always get a guy with a "I spy with my little eye something beginning with, oh, aye, "you'll always get a guy with a pie.
" APPLAUSE AND CHEERING John Cooper Clarke, everyone! The scores at the moment, Lee and Sarah have 16, Jon and James have 16.
APPLAUSE And here's your teaser, the words are "moist one," the clue is, "you might need a tissue.
" That's most one, you might need a tissue.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were MOIST ONE, the clue was, you might need a tissue.
It was, of course, EMOTIONS.
OK, they've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Lee and James.
- Oh, right, bring it on.
- James, your turn to pick the letters.
- Thank you.
- Can I have a vowel, please? - You can, James.
E Can we put it in the middle, though? - If you want.
- Thank you.
A consonant, please.
At the end, please.
N Consonant, second from end.
L Consonant at the start.
S Vowel in the middle.
I A vowel after S.
O Consonant before L.
G A consonant before the E.
- And do what you like for the other one.
- And Live your life, Rachel.
R OK, and your time starts now.
Ooh! LAUGHTER AND CHEERING APPLAUSE Lee Lee, what have you got? - Lee, what have you got? - I've got, erm Just give me second, I'm a bit thrown.
I'll have two from the bottom, one in the middle.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Oh, don't, it makes my balls jiggle! - Nine.
- OK.
James? How many? I have two words that go together and make a sentence.
What is the longest of the words that you've got, - using those letters? - Five.
- Five.
What's your five? LAUGHTER The longer this is going on for, the angrier that looks.
Your five? RIOTS RIOTS, OK, and, Lee, your nine? I think I'm a T short.
What did you think you had? I thought I had a big penis.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I'm going to go for nine.
I know there's a T missing, but I'll go for it anyway.
RESLOTTING You need two Ts.
Five points to James, then.
I might go and put my clothes on.
There's no point in covering yourself up now, mate! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Jimmy, I've got a seven.
I know I wasn't playing, but could I? - Cos maybe I could turn the smug machine on.
- What was your seven? SORTING - SUSIE: Yeah.
- What do you mean, "Yeah"? I think we know it's a word.
- Who was that man? - Sorry? - Who was that man? How do you know him? - It's a good question, Jimmy! - That was me.
The problem is, Jimmy, he was facing us and we know he neither had your face or your penis.
JON: How many times did everyone look at it? LEE: I looked at it a lot! I only looked at it once, but continuously the whole time.
Do you feel bad that you stared at the man's? I found looking at his cock less awkward than looking at his face.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE When I looked at his cock, his cock didn't have an expression that said, "Ooh, my face is hanging out.
" I mean, it's bad enough being Jimmy Carr's genitals, but being Jimmy Carr's genitals' double, I mean, it's too much, isn't it? Don't listen to him, boys.
Are the two boys down there again? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE John Cooper Clarke, Susie Dent, could they have done any better? They could have got STERLING and RINGLETS.
OK, so at the end of that, Lee and Sarah have 16, and Jon and James have 21.
APPLAUSE Right, now time for Jon and Sarah to go head-to-head.
- Sarah, your turn to pick the numbers.
- Ooh! Can I have two large and four small? - You can indeed.
- Thanks, love.
Two big, four little, and they are 5, 1, another 1, 4, 100 and 25.
- And the target, 599.
- Thank you.
And your time starts now.
How smug is he going to be, though? I mean DING! Oh, he got it within ten seconds.
That can't be good, can it? Jon, did you get it? I notice the light's on.
I just remembered that guy's dick.
- Sarah.
- Hang on, I just remembered that guy's dick.
BANG! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Honestly, it was massive! I'm pretty smug! You don't get any smugger than that, do you? Oh, God, I've pressed the wrong button.
I'm sorry.
- Did you get it, Sarah? - Yes, I did.
- Go on, how did you do it? 100 x 5 = 500 25 x 4 = 100 500 + 100 - 1 - Lovely.
599.
- Thanks, love.
- Perfect.
- Did you do it in exactly the same way? - No, I didn't.
I did 5 + 1 = 6 6 x 100 = 600 - 600 - 1 - RACHEL: Yep.
Lovely.
If that was still operational, I imagine it would be glowing brightly now.
Yeah.
That guy's dick just ruined this whole show.
Not for me! OK, ten points to both teams.
APPLAUSE Time now to go back to Dictionary Corner.
John Cooper Clarke, do you have another poem for us? Yes, I do, Jimmy.
This particular one is set in a mythical Oldham.
Why mythical? It has to be that way, because I've never been to Oldham.
I'm from Manchester, so why would I? It's in the opposite direction to everywhere I wanted to go.
Whenever the subject of Oldham comes up, it's usually on the news every so often and it's never good, so I figure it needs a little help in the public relations area.
I'm sure Oldham is anxious to be seen as a modern, go-ahead city.
It's probably got a town motto - "Reversing into the future together," something like that.
It's not twinned with anywhere, but it's got a suicide pact with Gdansk.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE The news is never good, so I thought it needs a little of the old poetical, magical dust sprinkling over it to drag it kicking and screaming into the mid-20th century.
Trouble At T'Mall.
Daily Bugle, front-page news A drunken posse on a booze cruise Swear me in, I've got nothing to lose High-five, lower morale Trouble, aye, trouble, aye, trouble at t'Mall I heard about it at the Taj Mahal I nearly choked on me tarka dhal I quizzed Chief Wiggum and he said, "Wow "Cuff 'em, boys - trouble at the Mall" Tripe stand bloody fell over Savour the level of drama in that one line.
Tripe stand bloody fell over It's covered the place in a beefy odour Better take a nosegay, pal Trouble, aye, trouble, aye, trouble at t'Mall Bury my heart at Clinton Cards Remember me to the old guard These days, you've just got to be hard Cos like they say in this here locale Trouble, aye, trouble, aye, trouble at t'Mall H&M is full of flunkies And Toni & Guy couldn't give a monkey's In the dying words of Gore Vidal Happen it's trouble, aye, trouble at t'Mall.
APPLAUSE John Cooper Clarke, everyone.
OK, was the line where you said, "savour the line," part of the poem or was that? Had you broken the fourth wall to come back in? No, it hit me suddenly.
OK.
And here is your teaser.
The words are TASTE POO and the clue is - I have it with every meal.
That's TASTE POO - I have it with every meal.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were TASTE POO, the clue was - I have it with every meal.
It was, of course, POTATOES.
OK, before we go on, a chance for our teams to win some bonus points.
In honour of the great John Cooper Clarke, I've asked the players to write poems.
They're going to perform them now.
Obviously John will be judging and whoever comes up with the best poem, their team will get five bonus points.
OK, Jon, you're up first.
Well, this is a poem about my favourite TV programme, but I don't reveal what the programme is till the end, so you have to try and work it out as the poem's going on.
- That's great, cos I watch a lot on telly.
- Right, good.
Well, there's clues as it builds, so see if you can work out what the programme is.
Hey, guys, time to put your mount down LAUGHTER Leave the Queen to shout "crown" In her in-or-out gown Turn the lights off all about town Stop drinking port or you'll end up with gout, clown Switch to Guinness, then in stout drown It's a showdown Time to slow down I'm one rhyme off a breakdown So put the TV remote down Because now it's time for Bake Off.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - John Cooper Clarke, what do you think? - I think that was fantastic.
I love the What was the clown one? Stop drinking port or you'll end up with gout, clown.
You'll end up with gout, clown.
That's the one that got me.
- Fantastic.
- I nearly repeated that line cos of the drama in it.
Yeah, cos of the drama.
I can see why you would do that, Jon.
Yeah, gout, clown.
It's one of them diseases you never get any sympathy for, isn't it? "Oh, I've got gout.
" Lay off the Stilton, you greedy bastard.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Put the knife and fork down! So just for mentioning gout, you're in the top three.
OK, James, your poem, please.
Thank you.
My poem is about Oldham.
No, this poem, genuinely, I wrote this when I was eight years old - and I won a competition with it in primary school.
- Get out of here! - Yeah, man.
Untitled.
- Pretentious.
There were four pandas in a bed And the little one said, "We are all that's left.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE John Cooper Clarke, your, ermyour comments.
It's great, that, James, but that gout clown thing What is it? Is it a build-up of uric acid in the joint? They're animals and they're on the verge of extinction! They're not as extinct as they've been leading us to believe.
They move about a lot.
They're always playing the victim card when it comes to pandas.
- OK.
Sarah, do you have a poem for us? - Yes, I do.
I also wrote this when I was at school.
I was nine, so a bit older than James.
It's my Christmas poem and it goes like this Christmas is a lot of fun And Santa Claus has just begun To wrap the presents, lots of toys All wrapped together for girls and boys There are presents bright and bold There are presents you can hold LAUGHTER What was that last one? There are presents you can hold.
Oh, right, yeah.
I mean, there are others that are just, like, concepts.
The next morning when you rise You never ever get a surprise Until that morning, Christmas Day When everyone is happy, jolly and gay.
The end.
APPLAUSE - Perfectly charming.
- Thanks.
I like to be encouraging.
I don't like saying rotten things.
No.
Well, bless you for that.
Thank you.
On the other hand, I don't want to be too encouraging.
"On the other hand, it's shit.
" - OK, Lee, I believe you've written a poem.
- I have written a poem, yeah.
- Well, let's hear it.
- I've known you for quite a while now, Jimmy.
I wanted a way of trying to tell you how I felt about you, so I've written a poem.
- That's lovely.
- This is just for you, Jimmy.
- Sure.
There once was a fat kid called Jimmy Who went all showbiz and got skinny His white teeth are drastic His wig's made of plastic And his money's kept offshore in New Guinea.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Well, you paint a vivid picture, Lee.
MIMICKING JOHN: Is there any chance you felt the drama? - I did, I did, I felt your pain all the way.
- Who do you think? Who are the points going to? - I'm giving it to Jon on account of the gout line.
- Five points to Jon! APPLAUSE OK, on with the game.
Lee and Sarah, your turn to choose the letters.
- Do you want a go this time? - Okey dokey.
Hiya, love.
Can I have a consonant, please? M A vowel, please, Rachel.
A Thank you.
Another consonant.
S Another consonant, please.
R A vowel, please.
E Another vowel, please.
U A consonant.
N Another consonant.
L - And a vowel, please.
- And the last one O - Thank you.
- OK, and your time starts now.
- So, Lee, how many letters? - At the moment, literally not one.
I haven't got one letter word.
JON: Well, that's funny, cos "one" is in there.
- LEE: Oh, yeah.
- LAUGHTER James, how many? - Six.
- Six.
Jon? - Seven.
- Sarah? - Six.
- Your six? What's your six, Sarah? AROUSE Yeah, a little bit, yeah.
James, your six? MANURE Jon.
MOANERS - Yep.
- Just MOANERS.
Seven points to Jon, then.
APPLAUSE John Cooper Clarke, Susie Dent, the Goth couple getting married LAUGHTER .
.
could they have done any better? Two eights - NUMERALS and ENAMOURS.
OK, so the scores at the moment, Lee and Sarah have 26, Jon and James have 43.
APPLAUSE And here's your teaser.
The words are MICRO SEX, the clue is - somebody call a priest.
That's MICRO SEX - somebody call a priest.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were MICRO SEX, the clue was - somebody call a priest.
It was, of course, EXORCISM.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Jon, James, your turn to choose the letters.
A vowel, please.
E Consonant, please.
G A vowel, please.
A Consonant, please.
M A vowel, please.
I A consonant, please.
F A consonant, please.
S A vowel, please.
E Another vowel, please.
- Oh - Crazy stuff.
- Naughty boy.
O OK, and your time starts now.
MUSIC: It's Like That by Run-DMC CHEERING CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I was going to step in there, but I think they did all right.
Do you know what you should do? Check yourself before you wreck yourself, Rachel.
- Jon, how many? - Six.
- Six, OK.
James? - A risky six.
- A risky six, I like it.
- Yeah.
- Lee? Er, a fairly safe six.
Not like that loser.
I've got faith in the product.
- That's five letters.
- Not that! I know that's five.
I'm not very good at anagrams, but I can count.
I'd like to change it to five, please.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Six.
- Six? - I've got a six.
- OK.
Sarah? - Five.
- What was your five? GAMES Lee, your six? GEOMES - GEOMES.
Could you use that in a sentence? - Yeah.
LAUGHTER How would you define GEOMES? Well, if I saw my mate Holmes and I wasn't expecting him, I'd go, "Gee, Holmes!" - GEOMES is a word.
- Susie I don't have to go to Susie, I'm telling you that GEOMES is a word.
Susie, is that a word? It looks like it might be.
Yeah, it does look like it might be, but there's loads of geomatics - Yeah, well, it's to do with geomatics.
It's GEOMES.
- OK.
- You just need to use it more often and then it will go in.
- Good.
- Yeah.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Jon, your six? IMAGES or else I had FIGAMI, which is the ancient Japanese art of folding figs.
- James.
- My risky six I mean, none of you will know him, but there was a kid in my class called SAM FOG.
And that was your risky six, the name SAM FOG? Yeah, well, I don't know how many people know him these days.
I only had one lesson with him.
Six points to Jon! APPLAUSE John, Susie, could they have done any better? - Sixes were the best, really.
- Sixes, yeah, all the way.
- Yeah.
OK, so Lee and Sarah have 26, Jon and James have 49.
APPLAUSE Sarah, Lee, you're playing just for pride.
Not just pride, but one piece of Tobler-Moan! OK, fingers on buzzers.
It's time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
Your time starts now.
Is it Oh, it's not that.
LAUGHTER - I can tell you you are correct, it is not that, OK? - Yeah.
BIRTHDAYS Didn't my light go on? LAUGHTER Hang on, Lee, you buzzed in, but James buzzed in LAUGHTER - What do you think it is? - I think I might be wrong LAUGHTER .
.
I think it might be BIRTHDAYS, Jimmy.
Well, let's have a look and see if it's up there.
It is BIRTHDAYS.
APPLAUSE So the final scores are Lee and Sarah have 36 points, but tonight's winners with 49, Jon and James! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Congratulations, you are now the proud owners of this - the Countdown fridge freezer! Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us.
Goodnight!
Did you know, for example, a baby porcupine is called a porcupette.
"Porkupette" is also a chat-up line in Newcastle.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tolkien typed the 1,200-page manuscript of Lord Of The Rings using only two fingers.
I bet that was bloody MORDOR! And "amen" is the last word in the Bible.
God says it, then he drops the mic and crowd surfs out on a bunch of lepers.
Right, let's get started.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Jon Richardson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Jon recently filmed a documentary about irrational fears.
What if they're not irrational, Jon? What if you ARE boring and everyone DOES hate you? And Jon's team-mate, James Acaster.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.
Where would James be without comedy? Well, I imagine hanging out at a Games Workshop, wondering what it's like to touch a girl's boob.
I'm still doing half of those things.
- Up against them, it's special guest team captain Lee Mack.
- Hi.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Lee excelled at school.
Sorry, Lee was EXPELLED at school.
And joining Lee tonight, Sarah Millican.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Sarah founded the online feminist magazine, Standard Issue.
If you want to check it out, ladies, it's easy - just get your husband or your dad to set it up on the computer for you.
- SHE GASPS - Ooh! Well, if that got me in trouble, I might as well go all in.
OK.
The classic Jimmy Carr catchphrase.
APPLAUSE - You set up Standard Issue, right? - Yes.
Well, tell us a little bit about it.
What is it? Oh, it's a no-bullshit women's magazine.
Cos I don't like women's magazines generally, cos I don't care about the things they write about.
So we set up one that has things that women are interested in which is, you know, everything.
So a no-bullshit women's magazine.
Normal women's magazines have just got It's kind of just adverts for bags.
Like, if you buy Vogue Do you women's ma? Well, maybe you do, cos you could get tips on how to creosote your face, for example.
APPLAUSE Well! If I go on it, will they know I'm a man having a sneaky peak? - I don't know why you would - I've been on it, they can't tell.
Well, it's levels of testosterone.
So maybe you'd be all right.
Good! SARAH LAUGHS OK.
Sarah is from the North East.
And, fun fact, human beings share 99.
9% of our DNA with Geordies.
I'm technically a Sanddancer, so South Shields.
- But also - A Sanddancer? - Yeah, it sounds rubbish, doesn't it? My hometown is Southport, and they are the Sandgrounders.
- Oh, really? - It's not all comedy, some of it's information.
My hometown is Lancaster, and we call ourselves Lancastrians, cos we don't like to take the piss.
James, where are you from, and what do they call you lot? I am from Kettering, and they call us legends.
APPLAUSE Nice.
- OK, Lee, I mean, you strike me as quite a wise man.
- Yeah.
What's your motto in life? Well, I've got quite a few, actually, Jimmy.
I've got quite a lot of mottos.
First of all, my motto in life is, "Never put off until tomorrow "what can be put off until the day after tomorrow.
" "Never return to lit firework "unless you're pretty sure it's probably gone out.
" "Girls DO just want to have fun.
"But apparently not with me.
" And, finally, "If life gives you lemons, say, " 'I'm sorry, life, I didn't ask for lemons.
" 'I asked for a hot girlfriend and a speedboat.
' " I mean, all good.
Sarah, you recently tweeted about unblocking a toilet with a bath mat.
- That's a good one, isn't it? - How did you? Well, all you need to unblock toilet is basically creating a vacuum.
And I just got the You know the bath mat, and I just did that a bit, and it - Was it rubber? - Yeah.
Oh, yeah, it wasn't like a fluffy one.
- Cos you need purchase, don't you? - Yeah.
- You need something And then you just cover the hole, and you just do that for ages, and thenall good, and then you just, you know, chuck the bath mat in the bath.
Have you got any other housekeeping tips? Any other? - This is a good one.
- OK, go on.
If you ever have to keep a dog poo in your fridge I've had to, because the dog wasn't very well, so I had to take samples three days in a row.
So you have to keep the first two fresh before you take them to the vet.
Makes total sense.
And I thought, "Well, whereabouts in the fridge?" And then I realised, "Salad crisper, cos there's never anything in it.
" APPLAUSE OK.
James, is it fair to say you're a bit of an oddball? Clearly not.
I'm pretty cool.
Pretty happening guy in most of my circles.
If I venture outside of those borders opinions vary.
Do you think your cooler than Jon? Here's something you've got to know early doors, Jimmy.
Coolness is not a competition.
- Me and Jon, we hit the town, sometimes, together.
- Ooh.
In the daytime, to do some shopping.
Best time to hit the town, when everyone's there and the shops are open, and everyone knows our name at certain shops.
Well, that's cos you're probably wearing nametags.
We do wear nametags.
And do you know what? Once, do you remember this? We swapped them round for a laugh.
His name's not James.
APPLAUSE I didn't realise he would be such a titty toucher! Guilty! OK.
Jon, what's your favourite party game? Oh, er Turn It Down.
What's Turn It Down? Just turn it down, turn everything down.
Turn the music down, turn the level of the fridge down to save the environment.
Turn your personality down, you're getting on my tits.
Pin the blame on the drunkie.
Just smash some stuff in someone's house and blame it on the most drunk person there.
"You bloody ran headfirst into that vase, didn't you?" He didn't, I just threw it out the window.
That's me at a party, isn't it? I'd had two Babychams.
OK.
James, have you got a mascot this evening? I have brought a mascot along with me.
This is - Willoughby.
- AUDIENCE: Ahh.
Don't "ahh" him, he's a prick.
I moved out of my parent's house and, after a month, I went back to say hello.
And this was on the sofa.
I said, "Who's that?" She went, "It's Willoughby.
" I went, "Why did you knit him? And she went, "To replace you.
" He's literally my replacement.
I hate him.
I don't see how that's even Look at its face! Not happy, is it? That's not She made him a jacket as well.
She's got a jacket for him that he wears.
Just he lounges around the house in this.
- It really is house colours, isn't it? - Yeah.
Well, yeah.
- Remember, it's meant to be Look at that! - Oh, that's a lovely jacket.
That comes out.
It's ridiculous.
What is that? It's a little handkerchief for mopping his brow when he's had a tough day being an knobhead.
Thanks for sharing.
OK.
Sarah, have you got a mascot? - Yes, I have.
- What did you bring? I've got a bit of time off after this show, so I've got a tool belt.
Like a time-off tool belt.
A time-off tool belt? I like the idea.
Let me just There we go.
So that's what it looks like.
So if I put it on So this is so I can sit on the sofa and not have to move.
A flask for tea, biscuits, telly remote, spare biscuits, a funnel in case I need a wee .
.
and then a courgette.
WHOOPING People say that cucumbers are better, but I don't agree.
Just, you know, one of your five a day, Jimmy.
That's what I mean.
- You do it five times a day? - Yeah.
APPLAUSE You have to do you have to have courgettes, cos they just disintegrate after a while.
This is like the worst sex line ever.
"Can I speak to Barbara instead?" Presumably, if the remote control is there, your husband is at home, have quite the shit evening.
I like to imagine him sitting there, "Oh, there's no remote con - "Oh, and she's taken the courgette.
What am I going to do?" - Yeah.
"Bored!" "And I tell you what, "that chocolate Bounty I found in the fridge was off.
" GROANING - I love it.
Well, I love the tool belt.
It's a great idea.
- Thanks.
Lee, did you bring a mascot? I decided I was going to bring my lucky buttons.
They've been with me for long time.
They always bring me luck.
I'm so organised as well, I've numbered my lucky buttons.
I give them all little number.
- Can we see them? - My lucky buttons.
So I'll be My lucky buttons are there.
APPLAUSE You, er You can't have a calculator on the show, Lee.
- Can I not use that, then? - No.
You can't use a calculator.
What about my lucky letters? Can I use those? If he can't use his mascot, does that mean I can't use my mascot? Not the courgette, no.
APPLAUSE Do you know what? Who needs? Who needs these things when you've got Sarah Milligan on your si? Can I keep hold of the dictionary? OK, Jon, have you got a mascot? I've been in my lab a lot lately.
Been down in my lab LEE: I hope you don't mean your dog! APPLAUSE I shall rephrase that to avoid any ambiguity.
I've been right up my spaniel the last couple of weeks.
I've been in my lab, looking for a solution to the energy crisis that's happening across the world.
We're burning up all the fossil fuels, we're going to die.
What is there an abundance of in the world? Well, smugness, Jimmy.
And I've found a way of transforming smugness into electricity.
And I've watched back some of these shows, and I can't help but notice that I'm a I think I'm a smug twat.
So this is The other end of this lead is in me .
.
and I'm hoping, at some point this evening, if I feel particularly proud of myself, the bulb will light and then we'll know that my studies have not been wasted.
- So it's a light bulb powered by your smugness? - Yeah.
It's a light bulb today, but tomorrow it could be a Toyota Yaris.
OK.
Over in Dictionary Corner, it's legendary performance poet Dr John Cooper Clarke! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Making a living from poetry isn't easy, which is why John supplements his income by standing in a field and scaring away crows.
You are a renowned wordsmith.
Have you got any favourite words, John? They're all pretty good.
OK.
And with John, of course, it's Susie Dent! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Susie has a new book out called Dent's Modern Tribes, and congratulations are in order, because it's number three on Amazon's chart, right between Nytol and ketamine.
Susie, we've got John on the show tonight.
He's a legendary poet.
Are there any rhyming words that you particularly like? Well, John is an expert at rhyme, and I was telling him how much I genuinely love his poetry, and there was one that I particularly liked, which he said he wrote for Valentine's Day.
So - It got out of hand.
- It got out of hand.
There are four lines that made me think of you, in fact, Jimmy.
- Oh, go on.
- I just scribbled them down.
You've got this slippery quality It makes me think of phlegm And a dual personality I hate both of them.
Beautifully put.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - I like that that's from your poem, Twat.
- Yep.
- That's right.
- It is.
And, in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley! CHEERING Rachel appeared on a celebrity version of Child Genius, where she was beaten by a 12-year-old in a maths challenge.
And there's me thinking dancing on Strictly would have been the most embarrassing thing in your career.
APPLAUSE Rachel, where do you see yourself in ten years? Well, in ten years, hopefully I'll have been working in telly for 18 years.
So I'll probably be testifying against someone I've worked with.
APPLAUSE OK.
The prize the teams will be competing for the night is this, the Countdown fridge-freezer! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING LAUGHTER - You should never climb in a fridge.
Do we not say that? - I was going to say, you need to do the warning - about that, don't you? - The warning, er, if you're watching this, don't get in a fridge.
The problem with you saying it, Jimmy, is it sounds like a challenge.
LAUGHTER OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for our first game.
Lee, Sarah, you get the first pick of the letters.
Surely Sarah Lee.
LAUGHTER Are they still going, Sara Lee gateaux? Oh, yeah, they're not just cakes, either, all sorts of shit.
- LAUGHTER - They've become like a big company.
I mean, it's probably not We can have this conversation in the bar afterwards.
LAUGHTER This is a bit awkward, do you think we're going for a drink? LAUGHTER We'll start with a consonant, please, Rachel.
Thank you, Lee.
M.
Vowel.
- V.
A.
- Upside down.
LAUGHTER It's your only job, Rachel.
Rachel, it's forgivable that you put it upside down but it's not forgivable that you then thought it was a V.
LAUGHTER It's got a line through the middle of it! How do we know that first one's not a W? - Yeah! - LAUGHTER It's extra pointy.
Consonant.
- N.
- Consonant.
- D.
- Vowel.
- O.
- Consonant.
- R.
- Vowel.
- I.
- Consonant.
V.
There we go.
Oh, sure it's not an A? LAUGHTER Vowel.
And the last one.
U.
And for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER AND CHEERING Ta.
Would you like a? I got you, er Sarah, would you like a Carr Bar? - Yeah, yeah, OK.
- They're delicious.
Woo.
Aw.
LAUGHTER Jon, I got you a chocolate as well.
A Tobler-Moan.
LAUGHTER Does this taste of you? Put it in your mouth and see.
You should try first cos you've got the reference point.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Lee, what have you got? This is nice, innit? The Carr's Bars.
Oh, it looks lovely on the outside but I bet it's hollow in the middle.
LAUGHTER How many letters? Oh, yeah, forgot about that.
Right, start the clock, let's get on with it.
LAUGHTER Lee, you're inhaling a chocolate bar.
- I'm not getting any of this.
- How much have you eaten? I'm diabetic.
LAUGHTER - It's either this or faint.
- How many letters? - Five big ones.
- Sarah? - I've got six.
- Jon? - I've got seven.
- And James? - Six.
OK.
Lee, your five? - Round.
- Sarah, your six? Domain.
- James? - My six is random.
OK, and Jon, your seven? I was hoping that a saviour whose name is Dave might be a daviour.
LAUGHTER Ermno.
- Well, six points to both teams.
- Sorry.
APPLAUSE John Cooper Clarke, Susie Dent, could they have done any better? They could've had around.
Put the A on.
Ah, I didn't put the A on! - Mmm.
- LAUGHTER What an idiot! It's weird, innit, you're all laughing but you didn't think of it either, did you? So at the end of that, both teams have six points.
APPLAUSE Onto our first numbers round.
OK, Jon, James, you get to pick the numbers.
Because there's two Jons on, you said, "John, you're a sort of renowned poet," earlier, and I thought you meant me.
So I wondered if for the rest of the show I could be known as Rico.
LAUGHTER - Rico? - Yeah.
I just think that'll save a lot of confusion, cos it's the other name I go by.
LAUGHTER You know with nicknames normally other people give you the nickname and they use it a lot, you don't give it to yourself because you didn't have any friends when you were younger? LAUGHTER Jimmy, I would also like to be called Rico.
LAUGHTER So your team would like to be Rico and Rico? It's just how I feel, it's what I would like to be known as.
Nothing is going to change my mind.
We're Rico and Rico.
Well, Rico and Rico, pick your numbers.
What did you want? One big, two big, three big, four big? I don't know what you just said.
LAUGHTER - Four big! - Oh, Jesus.
- Four.
- Four.
Seven.
50, 25 and 75.
And the target OK, and your time starts now.
OK, so the target was 453.
Jon, did you get it? LAUGHTER OK, erJames, did you get it? I've got 54.
LAUGHTER - 54? - Yup.
- OK.
And how did you get that? - 100x7 - LAUGHTER OK, all right, er - Sarah, did you get it? - Yes, I think so, yes.
- And Lee, did you get it? - I did it, yeah, I got it.
OK, Sarah, how did you get it? 4x100.
- It's 400.
- Yep.
- Plus 50.
- 450.
- And 75 divided by 25 is three, and add that on.
Yeah, well done.
APPLAUSE - And Jon, how did you do it? - I got the same as she got, mate.
- LAUGHTER - I wrote it down.
I used brackets and everything.
I'm amazed the light didn't go off with the brackets.
- Well, it's temperamental, isn't it? - LAUGHTER I try really hard to be smug.
LAUGHTER Ah, I need a compliment.
- Well, II - And you're just not the guy.
Which is why I've sought love elsewhere.
Hello.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Time to go across to Dictionary Corner.
John Cooper Clarke, have you got any poems for us? I do, thanks for asking, Jim, yeah.
LAUGHTER This one's called Pies.
It's about pies.
LAUGHTER A homely girl named Anne couldn't get a man.
Her mother told her, "Darling, don't you cry, "you'll knock 'em down like skittles some farinaceous vittles.
"You'll always get a guy with a pie.
" - LAUGHTER - "The salad's in the bin, "I've never seen a gym "but I'll be there to watch those fuckers die.
" - LAUGHTER - "Mincemeat or steak, "it's better than a cake.
"You'll always get a guy with a pie.
" "Even when they are stale, "they taste OK with ale at the point where hunger pangs intensify.
"Cold-weather grub available in the public house, "you'll always get a pie-eyed guy with a pie.
"You'll always get a guy with a pie.
"What else you gonna do with that leftover stew and those "cuts of meat you can't identify?" "Ingredients of this sort just tastes better under shortcrust.
" - LAUGHTER - "You'll always get a guy with a "I spy with my little eye something beginning with, oh, aye, "you'll always get a guy with a pie.
" APPLAUSE AND CHEERING John Cooper Clarke, everyone! The scores at the moment, Lee and Sarah have 16, Jon and James have 16.
APPLAUSE And here's your teaser, the words are "moist one," the clue is, "you might need a tissue.
" That's most one, you might need a tissue.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were MOIST ONE, the clue was, you might need a tissue.
It was, of course, EMOTIONS.
OK, they've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Lee and James.
- Oh, right, bring it on.
- James, your turn to pick the letters.
- Thank you.
- Can I have a vowel, please? - You can, James.
E Can we put it in the middle, though? - If you want.
- Thank you.
A consonant, please.
At the end, please.
N Consonant, second from end.
L Consonant at the start.
S Vowel in the middle.
I A vowel after S.
O Consonant before L.
G A consonant before the E.
- And do what you like for the other one.
- And Live your life, Rachel.
R OK, and your time starts now.
Ooh! LAUGHTER AND CHEERING APPLAUSE Lee Lee, what have you got? - Lee, what have you got? - I've got, erm Just give me second, I'm a bit thrown.
I'll have two from the bottom, one in the middle.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Oh, don't, it makes my balls jiggle! - Nine.
- OK.
James? How many? I have two words that go together and make a sentence.
What is the longest of the words that you've got, - using those letters? - Five.
- Five.
What's your five? LAUGHTER The longer this is going on for, the angrier that looks.
Your five? RIOTS RIOTS, OK, and, Lee, your nine? I think I'm a T short.
What did you think you had? I thought I had a big penis.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I'm going to go for nine.
I know there's a T missing, but I'll go for it anyway.
RESLOTTING You need two Ts.
Five points to James, then.
I might go and put my clothes on.
There's no point in covering yourself up now, mate! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Jimmy, I've got a seven.
I know I wasn't playing, but could I? - Cos maybe I could turn the smug machine on.
- What was your seven? SORTING - SUSIE: Yeah.
- What do you mean, "Yeah"? I think we know it's a word.
- Who was that man? - Sorry? - Who was that man? How do you know him? - It's a good question, Jimmy! - That was me.
The problem is, Jimmy, he was facing us and we know he neither had your face or your penis.
JON: How many times did everyone look at it? LEE: I looked at it a lot! I only looked at it once, but continuously the whole time.
Do you feel bad that you stared at the man's? I found looking at his cock less awkward than looking at his face.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE When I looked at his cock, his cock didn't have an expression that said, "Ooh, my face is hanging out.
" I mean, it's bad enough being Jimmy Carr's genitals, but being Jimmy Carr's genitals' double, I mean, it's too much, isn't it? Don't listen to him, boys.
Are the two boys down there again? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE John Cooper Clarke, Susie Dent, could they have done any better? They could have got STERLING and RINGLETS.
OK, so at the end of that, Lee and Sarah have 16, and Jon and James have 21.
APPLAUSE Right, now time for Jon and Sarah to go head-to-head.
- Sarah, your turn to pick the numbers.
- Ooh! Can I have two large and four small? - You can indeed.
- Thanks, love.
Two big, four little, and they are 5, 1, another 1, 4, 100 and 25.
- And the target, 599.
- Thank you.
And your time starts now.
How smug is he going to be, though? I mean DING! Oh, he got it within ten seconds.
That can't be good, can it? Jon, did you get it? I notice the light's on.
I just remembered that guy's dick.
- Sarah.
- Hang on, I just remembered that guy's dick.
BANG! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Honestly, it was massive! I'm pretty smug! You don't get any smugger than that, do you? Oh, God, I've pressed the wrong button.
I'm sorry.
- Did you get it, Sarah? - Yes, I did.
- Go on, how did you do it? 100 x 5 = 500 25 x 4 = 100 500 + 100 - 1 - Lovely.
599.
- Thanks, love.
- Perfect.
- Did you do it in exactly the same way? - No, I didn't.
I did 5 + 1 = 6 6 x 100 = 600 - 600 - 1 - RACHEL: Yep.
Lovely.
If that was still operational, I imagine it would be glowing brightly now.
Yeah.
That guy's dick just ruined this whole show.
Not for me! OK, ten points to both teams.
APPLAUSE Time now to go back to Dictionary Corner.
John Cooper Clarke, do you have another poem for us? Yes, I do, Jimmy.
This particular one is set in a mythical Oldham.
Why mythical? It has to be that way, because I've never been to Oldham.
I'm from Manchester, so why would I? It's in the opposite direction to everywhere I wanted to go.
Whenever the subject of Oldham comes up, it's usually on the news every so often and it's never good, so I figure it needs a little help in the public relations area.
I'm sure Oldham is anxious to be seen as a modern, go-ahead city.
It's probably got a town motto - "Reversing into the future together," something like that.
It's not twinned with anywhere, but it's got a suicide pact with Gdansk.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE The news is never good, so I thought it needs a little of the old poetical, magical dust sprinkling over it to drag it kicking and screaming into the mid-20th century.
Trouble At T'Mall.
Daily Bugle, front-page news A drunken posse on a booze cruise Swear me in, I've got nothing to lose High-five, lower morale Trouble, aye, trouble, aye, trouble at t'Mall I heard about it at the Taj Mahal I nearly choked on me tarka dhal I quizzed Chief Wiggum and he said, "Wow "Cuff 'em, boys - trouble at the Mall" Tripe stand bloody fell over Savour the level of drama in that one line.
Tripe stand bloody fell over It's covered the place in a beefy odour Better take a nosegay, pal Trouble, aye, trouble, aye, trouble at t'Mall Bury my heart at Clinton Cards Remember me to the old guard These days, you've just got to be hard Cos like they say in this here locale Trouble, aye, trouble, aye, trouble at t'Mall H&M is full of flunkies And Toni & Guy couldn't give a monkey's In the dying words of Gore Vidal Happen it's trouble, aye, trouble at t'Mall.
APPLAUSE John Cooper Clarke, everyone.
OK, was the line where you said, "savour the line," part of the poem or was that? Had you broken the fourth wall to come back in? No, it hit me suddenly.
OK.
And here is your teaser.
The words are TASTE POO and the clue is - I have it with every meal.
That's TASTE POO - I have it with every meal.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were TASTE POO, the clue was - I have it with every meal.
It was, of course, POTATOES.
OK, before we go on, a chance for our teams to win some bonus points.
In honour of the great John Cooper Clarke, I've asked the players to write poems.
They're going to perform them now.
Obviously John will be judging and whoever comes up with the best poem, their team will get five bonus points.
OK, Jon, you're up first.
Well, this is a poem about my favourite TV programme, but I don't reveal what the programme is till the end, so you have to try and work it out as the poem's going on.
- That's great, cos I watch a lot on telly.
- Right, good.
Well, there's clues as it builds, so see if you can work out what the programme is.
Hey, guys, time to put your mount down LAUGHTER Leave the Queen to shout "crown" In her in-or-out gown Turn the lights off all about town Stop drinking port or you'll end up with gout, clown Switch to Guinness, then in stout drown It's a showdown Time to slow down I'm one rhyme off a breakdown So put the TV remote down Because now it's time for Bake Off.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - John Cooper Clarke, what do you think? - I think that was fantastic.
I love the What was the clown one? Stop drinking port or you'll end up with gout, clown.
You'll end up with gout, clown.
That's the one that got me.
- Fantastic.
- I nearly repeated that line cos of the drama in it.
Yeah, cos of the drama.
I can see why you would do that, Jon.
Yeah, gout, clown.
It's one of them diseases you never get any sympathy for, isn't it? "Oh, I've got gout.
" Lay off the Stilton, you greedy bastard.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Put the knife and fork down! So just for mentioning gout, you're in the top three.
OK, James, your poem, please.
Thank you.
My poem is about Oldham.
No, this poem, genuinely, I wrote this when I was eight years old - and I won a competition with it in primary school.
- Get out of here! - Yeah, man.
Untitled.
- Pretentious.
There were four pandas in a bed And the little one said, "We are all that's left.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE John Cooper Clarke, your, ermyour comments.
It's great, that, James, but that gout clown thing What is it? Is it a build-up of uric acid in the joint? They're animals and they're on the verge of extinction! They're not as extinct as they've been leading us to believe.
They move about a lot.
They're always playing the victim card when it comes to pandas.
- OK.
Sarah, do you have a poem for us? - Yes, I do.
I also wrote this when I was at school.
I was nine, so a bit older than James.
It's my Christmas poem and it goes like this Christmas is a lot of fun And Santa Claus has just begun To wrap the presents, lots of toys All wrapped together for girls and boys There are presents bright and bold There are presents you can hold LAUGHTER What was that last one? There are presents you can hold.
Oh, right, yeah.
I mean, there are others that are just, like, concepts.
The next morning when you rise You never ever get a surprise Until that morning, Christmas Day When everyone is happy, jolly and gay.
The end.
APPLAUSE - Perfectly charming.
- Thanks.
I like to be encouraging.
I don't like saying rotten things.
No.
Well, bless you for that.
Thank you.
On the other hand, I don't want to be too encouraging.
"On the other hand, it's shit.
" - OK, Lee, I believe you've written a poem.
- I have written a poem, yeah.
- Well, let's hear it.
- I've known you for quite a while now, Jimmy.
I wanted a way of trying to tell you how I felt about you, so I've written a poem.
- That's lovely.
- This is just for you, Jimmy.
- Sure.
There once was a fat kid called Jimmy Who went all showbiz and got skinny His white teeth are drastic His wig's made of plastic And his money's kept offshore in New Guinea.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Well, you paint a vivid picture, Lee.
MIMICKING JOHN: Is there any chance you felt the drama? - I did, I did, I felt your pain all the way.
- Who do you think? Who are the points going to? - I'm giving it to Jon on account of the gout line.
- Five points to Jon! APPLAUSE OK, on with the game.
Lee and Sarah, your turn to choose the letters.
- Do you want a go this time? - Okey dokey.
Hiya, love.
Can I have a consonant, please? M A vowel, please, Rachel.
A Thank you.
Another consonant.
S Another consonant, please.
R A vowel, please.
E Another vowel, please.
U A consonant.
N Another consonant.
L - And a vowel, please.
- And the last one O - Thank you.
- OK, and your time starts now.
- So, Lee, how many letters? - At the moment, literally not one.
I haven't got one letter word.
JON: Well, that's funny, cos "one" is in there.
- LEE: Oh, yeah.
- LAUGHTER James, how many? - Six.
- Six.
Jon? - Seven.
- Sarah? - Six.
- Your six? What's your six, Sarah? AROUSE Yeah, a little bit, yeah.
James, your six? MANURE Jon.
MOANERS - Yep.
- Just MOANERS.
Seven points to Jon, then.
APPLAUSE John Cooper Clarke, Susie Dent, the Goth couple getting married LAUGHTER .
.
could they have done any better? Two eights - NUMERALS and ENAMOURS.
OK, so the scores at the moment, Lee and Sarah have 26, Jon and James have 43.
APPLAUSE And here's your teaser.
The words are MICRO SEX, the clue is - somebody call a priest.
That's MICRO SEX - somebody call a priest.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were MICRO SEX, the clue was - somebody call a priest.
It was, of course, EXORCISM.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Jon, James, your turn to choose the letters.
A vowel, please.
E Consonant, please.
G A vowel, please.
A Consonant, please.
M A vowel, please.
I A consonant, please.
F A consonant, please.
S A vowel, please.
E Another vowel, please.
- Oh - Crazy stuff.
- Naughty boy.
O OK, and your time starts now.
MUSIC: It's Like That by Run-DMC CHEERING CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I was going to step in there, but I think they did all right.
Do you know what you should do? Check yourself before you wreck yourself, Rachel.
- Jon, how many? - Six.
- Six, OK.
James? - A risky six.
- A risky six, I like it.
- Yeah.
- Lee? Er, a fairly safe six.
Not like that loser.
I've got faith in the product.
- That's five letters.
- Not that! I know that's five.
I'm not very good at anagrams, but I can count.
I'd like to change it to five, please.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Six.
- Six? - I've got a six.
- OK.
Sarah? - Five.
- What was your five? GAMES Lee, your six? GEOMES - GEOMES.
Could you use that in a sentence? - Yeah.
LAUGHTER How would you define GEOMES? Well, if I saw my mate Holmes and I wasn't expecting him, I'd go, "Gee, Holmes!" - GEOMES is a word.
- Susie I don't have to go to Susie, I'm telling you that GEOMES is a word.
Susie, is that a word? It looks like it might be.
Yeah, it does look like it might be, but there's loads of geomatics - Yeah, well, it's to do with geomatics.
It's GEOMES.
- OK.
- You just need to use it more often and then it will go in.
- Good.
- Yeah.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Jon, your six? IMAGES or else I had FIGAMI, which is the ancient Japanese art of folding figs.
- James.
- My risky six I mean, none of you will know him, but there was a kid in my class called SAM FOG.
And that was your risky six, the name SAM FOG? Yeah, well, I don't know how many people know him these days.
I only had one lesson with him.
Six points to Jon! APPLAUSE John, Susie, could they have done any better? - Sixes were the best, really.
- Sixes, yeah, all the way.
- Yeah.
OK, so Lee and Sarah have 26, Jon and James have 49.
APPLAUSE Sarah, Lee, you're playing just for pride.
Not just pride, but one piece of Tobler-Moan! OK, fingers on buzzers.
It's time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
Your time starts now.
Is it Oh, it's not that.
LAUGHTER - I can tell you you are correct, it is not that, OK? - Yeah.
BIRTHDAYS Didn't my light go on? LAUGHTER Hang on, Lee, you buzzed in, but James buzzed in LAUGHTER - What do you think it is? - I think I might be wrong LAUGHTER .
.
I think it might be BIRTHDAYS, Jimmy.
Well, let's have a look and see if it's up there.
It is BIRTHDAYS.
APPLAUSE So the final scores are Lee and Sarah have 36 points, but tonight's winners with 49, Jon and James! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Congratulations, you are now the proud owners of this - the Countdown fridge freezer! Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us.
Goodnight!