Archer s11e01 Episode Script

1
[suspenseful music]
♪
[dice clattering]
♪
[cell phone ringing]
[Judas Priest's "You've got
another thing comin'"]
[gunfire]
[gunfire cracking]
One life,
I'm gonna live it up ♪
[engine revving, tires screech]
I'm taking flight,
I said I'll never get enough ♪
Stand tall,
I'm young and kinda proud ♪
I'm on top
as long as the music's loud ♪
[gunfire, explosion booms]
If you think I'll sit around ♪
As the world goes by ♪
You're thinking like a fool ♪
'Cause it's a case
of do or die ♪
Out there is a fortune
waiting to be had ♪
- [grunts]
- If you think ♪
I'll let it go, you're mad ♪
- [grunts]
- You've got ♪
- Another thing comin' ♪
- [man yells]
You've got another thing
comin'♪
♪
That's right ♪
[gun clicks]
Here's where
the talking ends ♪
[tires screech]
[crashes]
Well, listen this night ♪
[car horn honks]
There'll be some action spent ♪
Drive hard,
I'm calling all the shots ♪
I got an ace card,
coming down on the rocks ♪
if you think I'll sit around ♪
While you chip away my brain ♪
Thar she blows,
you moby dicks!
- [grunts]
- Fortune waiting ♪
To be had ♪
[men yelling]
- You've got another thing comin' ♪
- [laughing]
- You've got another thing
comin' ♪
You've got another thing ♪
- [cell phone ringing]
- Ah, what is it now?
You know,
we're only trying to steal back
a priceless artifact that, by the way,
belongs in a holy shit.
- He woke up.
- What?
- Archer's awake?
- Oh, my god.
[music blasting]
Oh, my god is right.
If you thought that rocked,
wait till you hear this.
[main title theme]
♪
- [phone ringing]
- Woodhouse.
[groans]
Woodhouse.
[coughs]
Woodhouse!
Oh.
Never mind, you're dead,
which is just so selfish.
[light jazz music]
♪
[groans] God, we get
it, phone. You ring.
What now?
Sterling, I expect to see you
at work today.
I was thinking maybe I'd just
do what I did yesterday.
You know, stare into the void.
The void stares into me.
- Mostly void stuff.
- Malory: No more stalling!
I didn't raise a shrinking violet
- that wilts at the slightest
- Three-year coma, mother.
Sure, coach, I'll rub some dirt
on my nerve damage.
Speaking of, a new valet
is coming at 9:00
to see if he can do anything
about that bacteria breeding
facility you call a home.
- I don't know.
- Sterling, dear, I'm only doing this
because you are
totally incapable
of taking care of yourself
and always have been.
That's very sweet, mother.
I promise I'll give him
a fair shake.
[cell phone beeps, knock at door]
- Good morning, sir. I'm your new
- It's 9:02!
Oh, Woodhouse.
What I wouldn't give
to force-feed you
aquarium gravel one last time.
The turquoise, you hated that.
[jazz music]
[elevator bell dings]
All right, all right,
let's not make a big deal
out of this.
Thank you for so swiftly
honoring my request.
Oh, a wave,
an entirely appropriate
response to my heroism.
- Welcome back, sir.
- Oh, that's it?
I was expecting some kind
of batshit crazy add-on.
I'm sure I don't know
what you mean.
Here's your briefing book,
new staff handbook,
- and your drink.
- Thank you. Um, just out of curiosity,
- when did you get your shit together?
- Oh, I don't know.
I guess it was probably
around coma-o'clock.
[stammering] Wait, what?
That's just an inside joke
we had about your coma.
I guess you had to be there
and not in a coma.
Malory: Well, you made it
two hours late, but you're here.
I'm supposed to be here
at a time?
We've got a mission tonight,
and I want you on it.
A mission?
So we're really spies again?
- Mm-hmm.
- A quasi-independent, freelance
international spy organization.
- Don't worry about it.
- I kind of feel like I should.
Well, then still don't.
- So now that we're all here
- Whoa, wait. What about Lana?
She's doing
advance scouting.
Man, I've hardly
seen her at all.
It would almost seem like
she's ducking me.
[overlapping mumbles]
Oh, stop it
with the portentous mumbles.
We had a whole talk about that.
The point is,
our cover story is that
we're providing security
at a museum gala,
but our true mission
is a bit more interesting.
- Cyril?
- Well, our true purpose is to
Wait, why is Cyril talking?
Wh what is it,
best agent
in the world gets to talk day
and opposite day simultaneously?
Uh-huh.
We don't do that anymore, Archer.
[fabric rips]
[grunts]
Jeezy petes.
That keeps happening.
The dangers of increased
muscle mass, I guess.
Hey, steroids
aren't the answer
no matter how inadequate
you feel and in fact are.
The only thing I'm injecting
myself with is hard work,
using the syringe of
Nope, lost it.
Anyhoo
our target is Peregrine,
the world's foremost art thief.
He's going to try to steal
this statue of weeping orpheus.
We nabbed it from one of his
warehouses to use as bait.
Our objective
apprehend Peregrine
and pass him to interpol.
Man, you guys
are lost without me.
He's gonna know that's a ruse.
Which is exactly
why he'll come.
Our psych profile
shows a pathological need
- to demonstrate superiority.
- Sound familiar?
He'll show up
to try to outsmart us.
Nice briefing, Cyril.
Super concise.
What, you guys are friends now?
Well, I'm spent.
And what a better way
to celebrate my return
than me escorting all of you
to Chez Trop Cher
where I will generously
allow you to buy me brunch.
- Oh, no thank you.
- Brunch
Can you guys take it
somewhere else?
New, better Cheryl
is trying to get work done.
- You used to be fun.
- Yeah, well, your legs used to work.
Look, we've been targeting
Peregrine for months.
This is kind of a huge deal for us.
So huge deal like your buddy
just got out of a coma,
or huge deal like art theft,
which is basically
a victimless crime?
- Um
- We've, uh we've got stuff to do.
Come on, man,
we'll hang out soon.
I swear, but until then,
maybe chill your balls out
just a skosh.
Oh, my balls are frosty, okay?
But if you're all too busy
and/or stupid
to go with me to brunch,
I'll be in my office
when you're ready to apologize.
Not sure if this
takes the sting out of it,
but you don't actually have
an office anymore.
Oh, so I'm supposed
to hang out where?
In the break room, alone,
like a pervert,
wallowing in a miasma
of microwaved fish curry
and its subsequent farts.
Sometimes you buy
too much salmon.
What, to attract bears?
Did you get that?
- There's a double meaning.
- Yeah, subtle.
Anyway, since my time
here on earth is finite,
Krieger wants to see you.
Great, the only person
with time to hang out
is wanted for ethical
violations in nine countries.
- It's up to ten now.
- [sighs]
Well, speaking of crimes
against humanity,
how do you fit anything
in the fridge
with all of Cyril's proteins anyway?
It's like the last helicopter out
of Saigon in there, but shakes.
[ominous music]
♪
- So
- The recently de-comafied brain
is a complete mystery to science,
like dark matter
or why squirrels get so enraged
- when they see me naked.
- Uh-huh, nodding, no need to explore.
So what I want you to do
is remember
all of your coma dreams.
Put them in your mind.
Now speak.
There's so much.
First, I was a private
detective, right, in a
- [computer beeps]
- Yep, that's enough.
Really?
'Cause there's kind of a lot.
Yep, just needed enough
to calibrate your brain waves.
Though if you're looking
to plumb your psyche
with morally questionable
"flatliners" -style
experimentation,
I'm down to clown.
Tempting, but no,
especially because for you,
the clown in question
is probably John Wayne gacy.
- [beeps] Exactly.
- Yeah, I already have one of those
- in my hand currently.
- Not like this.
I used your scan to calibrate
your new brain wave sensitive
tactical mobility device,
or for short, BWSTMD.
Krieger, you should probably start
working backwards on those.
Let's just call it the tactil-cane.
Hey, that feels pretty good.
It anticipates your moves
and enhances them,
working with your nervous system
to rebalance you,
plus infrared telescope,
garrote, and a sleeping gas canister.
This! This is the moment
it all turns around.
My inevitable rise
to my rightful place
at the top of the ugh it
[moans, body thuds]
Oh, yeah,
don't hold it like that.
[classical music]
Malory:
All our intelligence suggests
that Peregrine will strike tonight.
- Cyril?
- Thank you, Malory.
Now this guy's silk and stealth
on the entrance,
bullets and balaclavas on the exit.
He will shoot his way out
if he has to.
We have one advantage:
he doesn't know that we know
what he looks like.
Whoa. Sploosh, right?
- Oh
- Yeah. We don't do that anymore.
You you don't what, sploosh?
[stammering]
You have to sploosh.
You all sploosh.
Everybody splooshes!
- I do not sploosh.
- Well, thank you, Detective Dick Droop.
- Anything else you wanna ruin for us?
- Oh, a great many things.
This is Agent Bruchstein,
Interpol liaison,
- just in from Belgium.
- So she's here to wander around
and screw things up
as much as possible.
I supplied you with the photo.
Well, let's just coast on that
for the rest of your life.
Spread out. Eyes open.
- Krieger is on comms.
- I thought we just needed audio.
Oh, yeah.
[button clicks]
Aww, you didn't bring
the fun stuff.
Archer, I need you to stay here,
close to the statue.
You'll have the element
of surprise.
Shut up.
There's Lana.
I suppose you'll tell me
he's not usually like that.
- He's always like that.
- That's pretty much him.
[classical music continues]
Lana.
Hi. I wow.
Sorry, it's always a shock
that you look like that.
Archer, it's, uh it's good
to have you back on mission.
Yes. I mean, no, not yet.
Uh, look, I know
you've been ducking me.
So I need to tell you something
now before you bail again.
Oh, coming in hot.
[awkward laugh]
Well, whatever this is,
it's probably not a good time.
No, no, no, this can't wait.
Lana, I lived several lifetimes
while I was in that coma,
in a bunch of different genres,
I guess.
Everything was changing.
I couldn't get a handle
on who I was
or what it all meant,
but the one constant was you.
Needing you is apparently
the deepest part of me.
I guess I don't know
what I'm proposing, except
Uh, if you could excuse us,
buddy,
I'm in the middle
of giving a heartfelt,
- life-changing speech.
- To my beautiful wife.
[laughs] Yes, I get it.
Hello, Sterling.
I'm Robert.
Bu bu wha
bu wha fa da
- Bald!
- [laughs] Yeah, we can talk
more about how and why
I'm bald later.
I know this is all a shock,
but the feelings here are real,
and I honor them.
And we understand and love you.
You do not get to love me!
That is a hostile act!
What is the how of that?
Though maybe
the portentous mumbles
should have tipped me off
that something was coming.
Well, that is what
portentous means.
So how long
into my coma was it
before you bravely
pushed aside your grief
and married
that human catheter ad?
- Eight months.
- Eight months?
- When did you meet him?
- Um, at your hospital.
He was doing a fundraiser
for kids with cancer.
[sighs] Oldest trick in the book.
- What book?
- All the books, Lana!
Okay, one,
we weren't together,
and two,
there doesn't need to be a two!
[sighs]
This is gonna take time, Archer.
Okay?
There's a lot you missed.
I'm sorry. I I get it.
I just I just need
to know one thing.
What does his skin feel like,
papery or more mushy?
[sighs]
♪
Is it scaly like a sleestak?
[indistinct chatter]
[sighs] Wuite a crowd here.
Yeah, they really
packed them in,
like protein shakes in a fridge.
- What was that?
- I was agreeing.
You know, if you have
something to say, just
- You're a fridge hog!
- See, doesn't that feel better
- than being passive-aggressive?
- I I guess.
- I
- Extremely passive-aggressive.
- So what do you think?
- It kind of looks like that thing
where you've been away
for a long time,
and when you come back,
no one really cares,
and people have moved on,
and you're all alone,
and nobody understands you.
Or maybe it's just a lady
with big cans.
Oh, I don't know.
Her cans aren't that big.
- [laughs]
- And now this.
You know, Sterling,
I think it's important
to look at these cans
in context of their era.
So what are you,
some crazy rich millionaire?
Millionaire? [laughs]
Oh, god, no, no, no, no.
I hit billionaire at 25.
This is actually my wing
of the museum,
- but that's not what this is about.
- I find that hard to believe.
I know you don't want
to hear this right now,
but the fact that you think
me and Lana are impossible
is what makes you and Lana
impossible.
- Wow.
- Yeah, hits pretty hard.
No, I I've just never met
a bald fortune cookie before.
- Okay, I'll give you some time.
- Who's bald! [laughs]
Whoa, oh.
Krieger, what's going on
with the tactil-cane?
Krieger: Jesus, your brain waves
are all over the place.
- Is there a problem?
- Yes.
I was just condescended to
by an elderly geek,
and Lana was apparently using
my coma bed as a singles bar.
Krieger: Well, technically,
it was the hallway
just outside your coma bed.
- How is that better?
- It's ten feet more respectful?
Uh, new, better Cheryl here.
Look, can we all just admit
that seeing someone in a coma
- is intensely erotic?
- Archer: No.
Man, it was so easy
to remember the good stuff
when he didn't interrupt it
with his mouth and his face
and his general being.
Oh, well, I'm sorry for
practicing a little self-care.
Like the time I caught you practicing
self-care in your office.
You know I wage a constant
battle against my impulses.
Well, thank you,
Onan the Barbarian.
Yeah, you got bible burned.
What in god's name
is going on?
I see sloppy positioning,
uncovered zones,
and that dress isn't doing
your hips any favors, Lana.
Well, at least my hips didn't
produce a human disruption
on the scale of an ice age.
[stammers]
Whoa, wait a second.
I've had my shakes
in the fridge for months.
Why did you suddenly get annoyed?
Dukes! Archer just made
some little comment about it.
It's like he doesn't even
have to try to cause problems.
Look, we had a great
team dynamic going
before he came back.
So let's just roll it back
to coma-o'clock
- and oh, my god.
- Wait.
Was everyone really happier
without me?
- No.
- Is anybody really happy?
No, it's not that we were
happier without you.
It's just that we became happier
when you weren't arou
Oh, crap. That's the same thing.
[soft piano music]
♪
I would like four of your most
stupidly expensive whiskeys.
[snooty Belgian accent]
Sorry, sir, one drink per patron,
and we only have beer and wine.
Beer and wine?
What am I, 12?
I'll deal with you
when you become more sensible.
- That'll be never, pal.
- Bartender: Next.
[sighs]
Oh, Woodhouse,
what happened to us?
Oh, shit.
You're talking to rocks now?
No, no, silly. Just
I was just looking
for a real drink.
You shining liquor angel.
[gulps]
See?
Told you we'd catch up later.
I missed the shit out of you.
Yeah, well,
that makes exactly one of you.
- What is with everybody?
- It's been three years, numb nuts.
We've had a whole thing going
without you.
Can't you just make an effort
to fit yourself in?
Boom, phrasing,
which we probably
don't even say anymore.
Look, I I'll try and fit in,
but what's with Lana
and Methuselah?
Pam:
I've never seen her happier,
and honestly,
you two have a lot in common.
- How do you figure?
- Well, now you both have
a lifelong relationship with a "Kane."
- Ah-cha-cha!
- Oh, right.
Lana Ka yeah.
Okay, that's pretty solid.
Well, look who stopped
being such a bitch.
[cane clacking]
All right, everyone.
I'm sorry I've been a distraction,
and while it pains me to say it,
I will cede ground
to you guys for now
and I will accept a
[gulps] I will accept a
- support role.
- You know, Archer, like Orpheus,
you too have visited
the land of the dead.
Jesus, Cyril, if I needed
someone to murder subtext,
I'd dig up Ayn Rand
and stick a pen in her hand.
Well, this is all quite inspiring,
but it might have been
more useful
if the statue
weren't already gone!
Yes, keep staring.
It might reappear.
Seal off the exits!
Find him!
And, uh, I support you
enthusiastically, for
- for that is who I am.
- Ugh, the incompetence!
I can assure you, Agent Bruchstein,
nothing like this
has ever happened before.
Or will again.
Interpol had its doubts,
and I spoke up for you!
Well, if you can
get fired over this,
- I'm sure we can
- [laughs]
Fired?
Oh, no, no, no.
Europe's labor laws
are much too strong for that.
- Reprimanded?
- Not with my union.
I have to check in
with headquarters.
Huh. And I thought we
beat the Communists.
[gulps]
I need a drink.
Krieger, you've been
monitoring my brain waves
and location through
the tactil-cane, right?
Yes, but not in a creepy way.
Archer: Everything you do is
by definition in a creepy way.
Hey, uncalled for!
Also fair.
If I look at that photo now,
can you check
if there were any places
I saw Peregrine,
even if I didn't
consciously register it?
Scanning for similar
optic patterns.
[computer bleeping]
you saw him 16 times.
- God damn it.
- Krieger: Huh.
You never actually saw him
anywhere near the statue.
So that would only make sense
if that's not the right photo.
And after a double knee
replacement,
I finally got back
to the squash cour
[all gasp]
Lana: We got him!
[gun cocks]
Uh, honey,
bit of bad news here.
That's actually
the museum director.
[straining]
I'm quite well-known.
- [grunts]
- Nighty-night, Peregrine.
No, stop it!
[button clicking]
Huh,
really wish I hadn't wasted
that sleeping gas on myself now.
- [Bruchstein grunts]
- Ow!
[both grunt]
[body thuds]
[dramatic music]
Krieger,
Bruchstein is Peregrine,
in pursuit down the south corridor.
And great thinking
putting only one gas charge
in the tactil-cane.
Well, I didn't know
you were gonna
- shoot yourself in the face with it.
- Archer: Always assume that!
[gunshots]
Ah, crap, evil bartender.
[wheezes]
No wonder he sucked.
[guns cocking]
Give it up, Peregrine.
You were supposed
to find the decoy earlier
to create the diversion,
but you were too incompetent
to do even that, amateurs!
And that is our strength,
you waffle-faced
wait, you're still actually
Belgian, right?
Yes!
But I was raised in the States.
You lambic-gargling
limburger dick cheese.
Those are silly stereotypes.
So are you guys flemish
or walloon?
That would help my specificity.
- We gotta get closer.
- All right, here's what we do.
Archer, Cyril is tactical lead.
I concede that a plan
that comes out of your mouth
has at least a theoretical
possibility of not getting us killed.
Thanks, Archer.
I'm sure it took a lot
- to almost not insult me.
- I know.
- I mean, look at you.
- Great.
Now, Ray and I will flank,
set up an enfilade.
Lana and Pam
on a delayed spearpoint.
- Archer, you
- Don't say it.
- Provide suppressing fire.
- And there it is.
- In three, two, one.
- Suppressing fire! [gunshots]
Cyril: Wait, wait, wait.
Why do they have gas masks?
[glass shatters]
[gas hissing]
[engines rev]
[all coughing]
[suspenseful music]
[coughing]
Go get 'em, Woodhouse.
[grunts]
[tire screeches]
- [glass shatters]
- [groans]
[both groan]
God, that smells worse
than the break room salmon!
♪
[man groans]
Cyril, grab them.
Or are you screwing
with office fridge space
for nothing?
[engine revving]
Jeezy petes!
- [laughs] Gravel got him.
- Archer!
[gunshots crack]
[bartender yelps]
I wanted whiskey.
I literally did not have any,
you asshole!
Then why am I still angry?
[tires screech, engine revving]
[gun clicks]
God damn it.
♪
[grunts]
No!
[grunts]
- [both groan]
- [laughs]
And they say art is use wah!
- You did good, kid. Lana?
- Wait.
- Go to her.
- Uh-huh, I was.
No, go to her
because of my nobility.
[body thuds] Ugh.
Gravity, you utter bitch.
Welcome back.
[gulps]
Took you long enough.