Curb Your Enthusiasm s11e01 Episode Script

1
("IL BARONE ROSSO"
BY LUCIANO MICHELINI PLAYING) ♪
Hello?
So it looks like what happened
is this individual
broke into your home,
burglarized it,
and in an apparent attempt
to escape, tripped,
hit his head, and fell
into the pool and drowned.
You know, I was sleeping,
I don't know what--
Well, I heard a noise,
I woke up.
All right.
And when you came outside,
did you see or hear anyone?
No. No. Nothing. Mm-mm.
All right.
And, sir, your name is?
Willie Nobody.
All right. And you
also live on the property?
Fuck yeah, I live here.
That's my little bungalow
right there.
Okay, and I see you don't have
your fence up around
the perimeter of the pool,
is there a reason for that?
What? Fence?
Santa Monica City Ordinance
8.12.150 says you must have
a fence around the perimeter
of your pool
of at least five feet
at all times.
Fence?
I Honestly, I don't know
anything about--
Nobody told me anything
about a fence.
I bought the house
from somebody. They didn't
This is the way it came,
and nobody said anything
about a fence.
Well, you are supposed
to have one.
Am I in trouble?
What does this mean?
You seem like a decent guy,
so I'm gonna give you a pass,
but get the fence put in.
Thank you so much. Thank you.
Can you believe it?
No!
Seeing that in your pool.
Who expects something--
I wouldn't even have dreamed
- of something like that.
- Imagine! You know, why me?
- Why you?
- What's in my house?
- Hi, welcome to Netflix.
Hi.
Larry David, Jeff Greene
to see Don Winston Jr.
Great. Just give me one sec.
- Don Jr.
Yeah. Don Jr.
How do you have a name
like that?
Must be horrible.
Trump has really ruined it
for all Don Jrs, hasn't he?
I would not want that
as my name.
- Oh, my God.
- All right, Larry.
- Jeff.
- Thank you.
- Elevators are to your right.
- Thank you.
Oh, hey. You going
to Albert Brooks' funeral?
I have no choice.
Who throws a funeral for
themselves while they're alive?
He does. And I have to speak.
He's asked me to speak.
- No.
- Yeah.
- Oh, jeez.
Yeah.
All right.
You ready for my pitch?
Yeah.
The show is called Young Larry.
It's about my life
when I was like 24, 25.
I lived in Brooklyn
with my parents.
And my Uncle Mo lived upstairs
with my grandmother.
Mm-hmm.
- Mo was in his 70s.
He pushed racks
in the Garment Center.
Would take the subway every day.
He never spent a nickel
in his life,
- so he had over a million
dollars saved up.
- Uh-huh.
So, one day, Uncle Mo comes up
to me, and he says
-"I'm moving into the city"
"and I want you
to live with me,
and if you live with me,
I'll leave all my money to you."
- Wow. Wow.
So, in the show,
I move in with Uncle Mo.
And, uh, I do everything
that I can
to accelerate his
- demise.
So, how does he try to kill him?
Subtly. You know, like,
giving him terrible food to eat,
Reuben sandwiches.
- Oh, God! Okay!
Making him climb up
six flights of stairs,
telling him
the elevator's broken.
- You know, things like that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, Young Larry, what's going on
in his life right now?
Like, what is he doing?
Okay. Very good question.
- Thank you.
- He's a private chauffeur.
He drives for an old woman.
I was a private chauffeur.
I drove this old lady around.
She was blind.
I never cleaned the car.
- She had no idea.
And so he has this huge
Cadillac limousine
at his disposal
that he uses all the time.
And I was a stand-- I was trying
to be a stand-up comic.
So I was just starting out
doing my act.
Oh, that's really interesting.
You know,
we'll see him do stand-up
Sure.
-when he's not chauffeuring
or whatever and trying
to kill his uncle.
Wow. I love this.
- I think this is great.
- Really?
I think we wanna do the show.
And we're in.
Yeah?
Yes, in!
You're kidding, really?
I love that. Absolutely.
Ah! Oh, my God.
- Look at that.
- Purell? How about that?
- I'm good for now.
I'm not a Purell hoarder.
Remember, the pandemic,
the hoarders?
Hell yeah.
- Nasty people.
- Terrible.
- They're like horse thieves
- in the old West, aren't they?
Okay. You'll find that
I'm a pleasure to work with.
Don't give me any notes.
That's all.
I'm not-- I'm not joking.
I'm not joking. It's not a joke.
- That's great.
Hey. Thanks for lunch.
Oh, hell yeah.
Every time we sell a show
that quickly, I'm buying.
So you're still going
to, uh, Leon's girlfriend's--
- What's her name?
- Mary Ferguson.
- Mary Ferguson's dinner party?
- Yeah.
Leon said she has a nice place.
I wish he'd move in.
Bringing anyone?
- Yeah. I'm taking Lucy Liu.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- How many dates is this?
- This will be our third date.
Wow.
Hey. Isn't that Dennis Zweibel?
That is Dennis Zweibel,
yeah.
You know, he still owes me
6,000 dollars.
Remember, I fronted
the money for that golf trip?
Yeah. I paid you.
Yeah, you did. And everybody
else did except him.
Well, you know, I, uh
I heard he's got
early onset dementia.
Yeah.
I better get the money now
before he forgets.
Hey, Dennis.
- Oh, hey, Larry.
- Hey, nice shirt.
How's it going?
- Great. How are you?
- Yeah. Pretty good.
- Slightly awkward,
but, uh
- Yeah?
Remember the golf trip
six months ago?
- Uh-huh.
- I put up money for everybody.
And just a little reminder that,
uh, I don't know,
you probably forgot all about it
but, uh, you never--
you never paid me the money
back, so
- I didn't forget.
- Well, if you didn't forget,
how come--
how come you didn't pay me?
What are you--
What are you doing?
Like, are you, like,
stalking me?
Stalking you? Nothing wrong with
a little reminder, is there?
It's just-- it's rude.
That's all.
It's just, you know.
It's not necessary.
It's rude?
I'll tell you what's rude.
- Yeah.
- You know what's rude?
- What? What's rude?
- Owing somebody 6,000 dollars
for six months and never
mentioning anything about it
and not paying them back,
that's rude.
- What's wrong with you?
- What's wrong with me?
- What is wrong with you?
- I think the question is
what's wrong with you?
- Yes, you.
You'd like walk around and
- You owe somebody 6,000 dollars.
- You didn't forget.
Is that
how you see the world?
You walk around
the world and go
- And you didn't pay them.
-"Oh, there's a guy
that owes me money.
There's a guy that doesn't
owe me money."
Yeah. The shoe's
on the other foot!
Everybody else paid.
"That guy might
owe me money.
Maybe I'll loan him money."
But not you.
You decided not to pay.
- I know I owe you money.
- Yeah.
When I see you at the club,
- I'll write you a check.
- Fine.
And then you'll have your money,
and it will be wonderful.
Oh. Oh, I see.
Oh, I'm the bad guy here.
You're sick. You have--
you need help.
- I'm sick?
- Yeah. You need help.
- I'm sick?
- You'll get your money.
- I didn't do anything!
- You're gonna get your money.
I'm not the bad guy.
How-- How would you--
How am I the bad guy?
How's it back there?
Comfortable?
Oh, it's so nice.
Yeah?
It's perfect.
- You sure you don't want me
- to move up?
- No. Oh, I'm great.
You know what,
I am so excited.
I can't believe I'm in a car
with Albert Brooks,
Lucy Liu, and Jerry David.
I just-- I can't believe
- we're all going.
- Oh, you're so funny.
Oh, I got my Jews confused
a little bit.
I got my Jews confused?
- She's funny, Albert.
- She's funny.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Anti-Semitic, but funny.
You know,
I'm a huge fan of Albert's.
And I haven't had sex in year,
so I'm really excited.
- Pull over. I'm done.
Oh, no, no!
So, Albert, uh, Larry told me
that you're having a funeral
- for yourself?
- Yeah. I call it a live funeral.
Right. Oh, that's great.
- So what is that about?
So in the last three years,
I've been to five real funerals.
Oh, God.
The idea that people
get together and friends
get together
and say wonderful things
should be done to a person
who can hear it.
- I love that idea.
- Yeah.
And so it's just
a different way
of thinking about it.
I can't stand that all this
praise is going
to somebody in a box.
You can't stand that the praise
is going to somebody else.
I will bet money
this catches on.
Okay! You're on!
Wait a second.
So he was dead in the pool?
Dead. Completely dead.
How does the guy
get in the pool?
Don't you have a fence?
- Mm-mm.
That's city code.
That's right.
It's actually a law.
In Santa Monica,
you have to have a fence.
All right. Can we talk
about something else?
So-- Oh, everybody, uh,
announcement to me.
Mary and I are going
on a trip to Asia.
Really?
Wow!
That's great.
- Yeah. In a few months.
In a few months.
We already got
our seats picked out already
- on the plane.
- Yeah.
Uh, reservations already made.
- And where? China?
- All over that motherfucker.
- Everywhere.
By the way, expensive trip, no?
Fuck yeah, it was.
Had to do a little GoFundMe.
- What did you tell them?
- You must have had a sad story?
- I said I'm taking my baby
- my baby to Asia.
That was it?
And people gave you money?
- Fuck yeah.
- I think it's brilliant.
- I'm gonna try it.
- Come on.
Really. My baby has never seen
a Ferrari.
Please, if you wanna send us
to Italy
to pick it up
from the factory
Gosh. Look, I'm gonna go
check on dinner, okay?
I'll come and help you.
Susie, I've been looking at
your bracelet since I got here.
- Can I
- Isn't it stunning?
Oh, it's incredible.
I got this at Dennis Zweibel's
jewelry store.
Oh, my God.
It looks like an antique.
Dennis Zweibel?
Yeah.
The guy owes me
6,000 dollars for six months.
I asked him for the money.
He got completely offended.
You don't need to ask him
for money.
I mean, how long
do I have to wait?
Six months, a year, ten years?
When are you allowed to ask
a person for their money back?
I don't know. Nine months?
I'm not the bad guy here.
I didn't do anything wrong.
I loaned him the money!
Maybe you're not the bad guy,
but you need to learn
some compassion.
- Oh, my God!
Wow.
Oh, jeez.
What did you do?
What did I do?
You plopped down on the couch.
- I didn't plop.
- You plopped.
You are so fucking skinny,
your arms can't even hold
- a fucking glass.
- Oh, get out of here. "Skinny"!
- Puny, puny, puny.
- You plopped down.
You don't know how to sit
on the couch.
I didn't plop.
- Did she plop?
- Oh, like I'm gonna say.
- Did she plop?
I'm not taking sides on this.
- Oh, my God. What happened?
The couch is ruined.
- What in the world?
- He was unsteady in his hand
- and it just
- She plopped down on the couch
- and it spilled.
- It's gonna stain.
- You know what,
we'll pay for it.
What? Excuse me. Excuse me.
- No "we". You'll pay for it.
- No, no. We will chip in.
- I didn't do a fucking thing.
- You're completely responsible
- for that stain!
- Hey, I got a great idea.
Why don't you two start
a GoFundMe page?
- Oh, fuck you, Albert.
- Fuck me?
- Yeah.
- All right. I'm going with plop.
Okay. Look. Everybody, look,
there's dinner outside
on the patio,
let's have a good time.
Okay.
- Okay?
Sorry.
She plopped.
That was very nice, Mary.
- Oh, my God. Total plop.
From beginning to end!
Are you kidding me?
- Oh, what the fuck, Larry?
Oh, my God.
Larry?
Holy shit!
Is he all right?
- You okay?
That's glass, Larry.
- Fuck!
Oh, my gosh.
Shit, Larry.
- Can you stand up on your own?
- Yeah. I'm okay.
Okay.
- Okay.
- So this is glass.
- Yeah. Yeah.
And there's an opening
right here.
- Okay.
Just hold my hand.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
There's a step down.
Step down.
Two feeble things in
a fucking row, the fucking wine,
and now he walked
into a fucking glass.
He got one more left.
I'mma drop his ass off
at a nursing home.
All right.
So, uh
Yes, I had a really nice night.
And, um, you know what,
text me when you get home, okay?
So I know you got home safe
and everything.
- Text you when I get home?
- Get some rest,
and then we'll talk later,
okay?
What? Wait a second.
I thought I would, uh
- Uh
- Yeah yeah.
- You know what,
you've had a big night
- Go on, go ahead.
and, you know,
I just feel like it was
it was a lot for for you.
- No. It wasn't a lot.
- No. You fell.
- I mean, you hit your--
- Oh yeah, yeah. So what?
I got a very--
- You hit your face.
- I got a hard head, yeah.
It's not a big deal.
Just go home. Take a bath.
Relax. Put your feet up.
Do you have a hot blanket
you can turn on?
- Yeah.
- Put that on,
- and then just, like, get cozy.
- Can I knit as well?
All right. I'm gonna go.
- Goodnight. Okay.
- Okay.
Okay.
Whoo!
What's going on in there?
The fuck you think
going on there?
That's where you're going?
This is the bathroom I use
to drop the kids off
at the pool.
Why don't you use your own pool?
I can't drop kids
off at the pool
in that little-ass bathroom.
Now if you don't want me to use
this fucking bathroom
all the time, I'll move around.
We got plenty of pools
in this big-ass house.
You can use any of the pools
on that side of the house, okay?
Any of the pools down here.
There's one pool, though,
that's completely off limits.
- Okay?
- Mm.
- And that pools where?
- And that pool is up there.
The resort pool
is not available to me?
It's not available to you ever.
How about when you're not there?
No. Never. Never.
- Never?
- Never.
- I feel you, though.
- Okay.
Keep your pool
to your fucking self.
- Absolutely.
- Okay.
- Oh, that's Albert.
- Albert!
- Hey.
- AB!
- Hey, Leon.
Hey, hey. What's up, AB?
Thanks for inviting us.
That was fun.
Fuck yeah. Took care
of your ass, didn't I?
Great time.
- Huh?
Listen, I just stopped by
to pick up a photo
of you, me, and Marty Short
taken at Lincoln Center
that I want for the memorial.
Can I borrow it?
- Sure.
- That's all.
- Yeah. Yeah. It's in there.
- Thank you.
- This memorial!
Yeah, that's it.
I love this.
Hey, uh, what's the dress code
for the event?
Like any funeral,
the dress code is a dark suit.
Can I bring Mary?
Yeah. Is she a fan?
Has she seen any of my movies?
To be honest, AB,
I haven't even seen
any of your fucking movies.
Okay. Well,
there's two on Netflix
if you wanna watch them
before you come.
By the way, what about you?
Are you all right?
- How's your head?
- I'm good.
- Did you get an MRI?
- Why? Why do you say that?
- You know what a brain bleed is?
- I don't care.
- You don't care?
Yeah. I don't care.
Drop dead.
Hey, then we could have
a real funeral!
- A real one, okay?
- Okay.
And people will say all these
wonderful things about me.
Yes!
Let's keep our fingers crossed.
All right.
- Maybe I'll die
and it'll be a real one.
And then you'll see
the difference.
You're through?
- Yeah. I guess.
Okay.
- How's Lucy Liu?
Not good.
Something's off.
Something is very off.
- Yeah.
I'm telling you,
she doesn't look at me
as a sexual being anymore.
Yes, because you walked
into a door.
Big deal. She could've walked
into a glass door.
Well, she didn't, and you did.
And that's what
the Three Stooges did,
and they didn't get laid either,
so
You're right, man.
That little fat motherfucker,
who run on the floor,
like in circles, going
He never got laid.
- That motherfucker
never got no ass.
- I guarantee you.
- Once they see you in that way,
like a cripple
- Mm.
-there's no sex anymore.
You know, it throws them off.
Well, I mean,
you don't know what to do.
Do you take care of them?
I thought they liked
taking care of you.
- Women love taking care of men.
- That's not true
No, I disagree.
There's a Munchausen thing
that they have
where they want you sick in bed
and you can't do anything
with anybody.
They don't want you to have fun
with anybody else.
And this is it. And now
you're trapped in the bed.
- They love that.
- That's your concept of women?
- Yes.
Okay.
- Yeah.
- Well
A normal woman doesn't wanna
take care of you.
She wants to feel
you can You know.
Hey, a lady wants you to tap
that ass, know what I mean?
I'll tap. I can tap.
Give me a chance to tap.
You tapped the door.
You're never gonna tap her.
Okay. Get out. Get out.
Please come.
Don't worry about the movies.
Although,
if you wanna see Concussion,
- that one is on Amazon Prime.
He's a doctor, yeah.
He's-- he's a doctor, yeah.
Okay. Coolio.
Yeah, Concussion.
You got a delivery or something.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, wear a tie.
Okay.
What's this?
Uh
Shit.
Santa Monica Municipal Code,
fencing regulations.
"Every swimming pool
shall completely surround
such body of water or property
with a fence
five feet above the adjacent
grade at all places."
"Let's talk."
Holy shit.
Yeah. I know what
the fuck that is.
Someone's trying to come up.
Someone's trying to get paid.
It's extortion.
Larry David.
At your service.
I'm Marcos. This is my taqueria.
You want a taco?
Uh--
Anyways, let's get down
to business.
Yes. Let's.
Ah, you just seem like
a nice guy.
I'm a living doll,
as my mother would say.
My brother was a nice guy too.
But now he's dead.
Yeah, sorry.
It's not your fault
that he drowned in your pool.
I mean, I know it.
You know that.
But do the courts know that?
Then I started thinking about
all the fees and litigation
and attorneys
and possible jail time.
That's a lot to handle.
But, you know, you lucked out.
You scored a friend.
- Lucky me.
- Yeah.
But looking down that tunnel,
it's like nothing but money
emptying out of your pockets.
Unless
Unless what?
- My daughter.
- Ah.
- She wants to be an actress.
- Oh, does she?
She's great. Maria Sofia!
There she is. Hi, baby.
She'd be perfect
for your new show.
What? Her?
"Larry David pilot
in dev at Netflix."
- Right?
Look.
There's nothing for her
in the show.
There's no
there's no part for her.
"Casting the role
of Marsha Lifshitz."
That's a Jewish girl
from Brooklyn
who's an aspiring ballerina.
- Maria. Maria Sofia. Come here.
What?
You gotta meet her.
- Hi, baby.
- Hey.
This is Larry David.
- How are you doing?
- How you doing?
Tell him about
your high school plays.
Dad. Yeah, well,
I played Juliet in high school.
I mean, it was amazing.
You should have seen it.
Oh, sorry I missed it.
- And she also dances.
- Yeah.
- Show him how you dance, baby.
Oh, okay.
No, no, no. You don't need
to show me how you dance.
Okay go. One, two, three.
Re-re-rewind.
That's very good.
Very good. Bravo. Yes.
- Excellent. Good job. Very good.
- Oh, thank you, thank you.
That's not the whole thing.
There's a flip at the end.
Yeah. I'm sure. I'm sure. Yeah.
Okay. Go ahead to the table.
I'm gonna talk to Larry.
- Uh, talented girl, for sure.
- Thank you.
Thing is, even if she's
the best actress in the world,
which she very well could be,
but just not right
for this part.
But I know Marsha Lifshitz
is that girl right there
eating those leftover tacos.
Look, we'll find her
something else.
I'll send her
picture and resume
to a bunch of agents I know,
we can get her started.
That'd be so great.
I just don't know if you have
all the time in the world,
you know, with the lawsuits
and possible jail time coming.
What do we do?
Well, okay, she can, you know
- She can audition.
- Hmm.
- I'll give her an audition.
- I got you.
We'll take that audition.
And then see you on set.
Suppose I cast her
and then, you know,
the show gets cancelled?
Shows get cancelled
all the time.
As long as you cast her,
we're good.
It's extortion, Jeff!
Total extortion.
What-- what are you gonna do?
This is crazy.
I mean, you know,
he could sue me for everything.
And he could bring
criminal charges.
So is his daughter
gonna audition?
"Audition"!
We'll go through
a charade of an audition,
but it's not an audition really.
-She's got the part.
This is a nightmare.
- Oh. Hey, Dennis.
- Hi, Larry.
What are you doing?
You going out?
- Yeah. You?
- I just quit.
Oh.
Not for good, I hope.
- Uh, maybe.
- So sick of it, you know.
- Yeah.
Hey, so the last time
I saw you, you said,
the next time
you see me at the club,
- which is now
- Uh-huh.
to remind you about
the 6,000 dollars you owe me
and that you would, uh,
have a check and pay me.
That's close, Larry.
Uh, you saw me
and you reminded me
of the 6,000 dollars,
and I pulled out my checkbook,
and I wrote you a check
for 6,000 dollars.
- What?
- Yeah.
- I paid you at the farm shop.
- No. No, you didn't.
Of course I did.
Dennis, you didn't
pay me at the farm shop.
I paid you. I wrote a check
to you for 6,000 dollars.
No, you did not. You didn't.
I would remember that, okay,
if you paid me.
I remember what you wore.
You wore a green sweater,
tan pants,
a blue and white
checkered shirt.
You had an almond decaf latte
and a bran muffin.
Now if I know all that,
don't you think
I would know if you paid me?
- Why would I lie about that?
- I'll tell you what else.
I complimented you
on that shirt.
- You didn't compliment me.
- I most certainly did.
You've never complimented me
in your life.
There's never anything
to compliment you about.
Ask around and see
if anyone else remembers
being complimented by you.
I compliment people's outfits
all the time.
- You're a bad guy, Larry.
- I'm not the bad guy!
- You are the bad guy!
- You're the bad guy!
- No. I pay my debts!
- It's true.
You didn't pay anything!
- I pay my debts!
Larry, Larry,
- leave the guy alone.
Come on, man.
- What are you doing, man?
What?
What are you,
hassling him for money?
- He's got dementia.
- So what?
Dementia's not a license
to steal, is it?
Well, how do we know
you didn't forget?
What are you talking about?
We heard that you ran into
a sliding glass door recently.
Yeah. I walked into the door.
I didn't see the door.
How could I?
It looks like air.
Everybody's done it.
Hey, let me ask you a question.
Have I ever complimented
you two guys on anything?
- No.
I didn't tell you
I liked your new PING driver?
No, you didn't.
Oh. Must've been
somebody else.
Maybe this Maria Sofia
will be okay.
Maybe she won't be as bad
as we think. Who knows?
I know.
But it's acting.
It's not so hard.
I think anybody can do it.
What's the big deal?
What do you do? You say
the words, you make a face.
There's-- there's nothing to it.
We're fucked.
It's a big bowl of fucks.
- Where's Lucy?
- Oh, she's gonna meet us there.
- What's the matter with you?
- What are you talking about?
What are you,
harassing poor Dennis Zweibel?
You think I don't hear
about these things?
- Oh, please.
- He's impaired.
I waited six months
to ask him for that money.
Six months. I should've
asked after a month,
but I was being really nice.
This keeps catching
on the chiffon.
It's ruining my whole outfit.
You know what? You're petty.
You're just petty.
You think I'm petty?
Yeah.
Huh? Can I tell you
a real example of petty?
You plopped down on that couch,
spilled the wine on it,
I got charged for the cleaning,
and you didn't even offer
to chip in.
Because I didn't plop.
Oh, no. You plopped.
You're a plopper.
- You've always been a plopper.
- Jeff, did I plop?
- Don't ask me.
Yeah, you plopped.
Here's what you did. You went
like this. You went like this.
Oh, my God.
I didn't ask for a reenactment.
Ah! Ah! Stone missing.
Stone missing.
How are we gonna find it?
It's tiny.
- Do you see it, huh?
- I'm looking.
Jesus Christ, Larry.
They ricochet
all over the fucking place.
Move your foot.
You know what, Larry
- You see it?
- No.
All right. You know what, Larry?
Forget it. Just get out.
I don't wanna drive you
to the funeral.
- What?
- Just drive yourself.
I don't wanna look at your face
in the rearview mirror.
Just get the fuck out.
- What?
- Out!
Fine. Fine.
Fine. I'll drive myself.
Who the fuck wants
to go with you anyway?
And let me
tell you something, okay?
I am not a bad guy.
Not a bad guy.
A good guy.
A very good guy.
Hey.
How you doing?
Why so sad?
Why so sad? It's--
I mean, too soon.
He's upstairs.
What's this thing?
The shiva-- The Shavuot.
The rending of the clothes.
This is--
Oh, you're really going
Jew-ey here, aren't you?
Oh, that reminds me.
Uh, I wrote a few things down.
Is bashert a word
that I could use?
What's the context?
"I'm feeling bashert at the loss
of our friend, Albert."
No. Bashert, it means "fate."
I think you wanna say,
"I'm feeling a lot of tsuris."
Tsuris? How do you spell that?
T-S-U-R-I-S.
-Tsuris?
- Yeah.
Hey, whatever happened to the
movie where you were playing me?
- Oh, God.
- The character was based on me.
You would
Yeah, it went away.
They tested it and the audiences
didn't really respond
- to the main character.
- Really?
They fill out cards
with the feedback.
The word that kept reappearing
was "repugnant."
Repugnant?
There wasn't much
they could do to fix it.
I mean, I thought it was--
It's possible it was a
performance thing.
It's interesting,
'cause they were very specific.
They loved the performance.
They hated the character.
Was it a hatchet job on me?
What was it?
I think it was pretty
true to life.
- Hey, you know what?
- Yeah.
It's bashert.
- See, I pick it up.
- Yeah.
I pick it up. Tsuris.
I'm gonna do tsuris.
Speaking of, um,
when am I going up? Uh--
- Yeah. You're after me.
- All right.
Look, there's Larry!
Oh, he looks nice.
He wore a tie.
It's a good crowd.
Everybody came.
Oh, my God.
I never thought
I would live to see this day.
Larry.
Oh, hey.
Hey.
I got you a glass of water.
Oh, water?
Yeah. Just to make sure
you're not impaired
- when you're up on the podium.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay. Something's
going on here with you.
Since I walked
into the glass door,
you're treating me
like I'm a-- like an invalid.
Things changed
when that happened.
- Oh, did they?
- Yeah.
I don't see you
in a sexual way anymore, so
Hey, I'm as virile
as I was three days ago.
And I was plenty virile then.
And I'm plenty virile now.
And I can prove it to you.
Let's go upstairs.
Come on. I'll prove it to you.
You wanna test it?
- You wanna test it?
- No. I don't wanna test it.
Test me. Test me.
Come on. I dare you.
- Take care.
Test me!
Watch out for glass.
Hey, one day, you're gonna run
into glass. It's unavoidable!
I think we should go.
Larry, let's go.
Thanks for the tie.
Okay. Hey, everybody.
Let's get started.
Welcome, everyone.
Thank you for coming.
It saddens me personally
to be here today.
Mainly because my dear friend,
Albert Brooks,
is very much alive.
Oh, don't do that.
It would've given Albert
tremendous satisfaction
to see all these people
gathered here
to pay their last respects
to a man
they will see again
in less than an hour.
- Come on, man.
I'm very sorry
that Albert is faux dead.
Get the next person, please.
'Cause I was going to leave
him some faux money.
And know this, nobody loved
Christ more than Albert.
Big Jesus guy. Big.
Is that true? Have you accepted
Christ into your heart?
Are you crazy?
Albert is the one
who inspired me
to become a stand-up comedian.
And that, more than anything,
makes me wish
he was really dead.
- I hate him.
And now I'd like to bring up
another friend of Albert's
who was also coerced
into doing this, Mr. John Hamm.
- Ah. Okay.
- I'm so excited.
I can't believe
you know Jon Hamm.
I
So much tsuris.
They say laughter
is the best medicine.
And if that is the case, then
Albert overmedicated us all.
- That's sweet.
- He's funny.
- I know.
-I'm sure many of you
will stand up here
and praise the genius
of this inward-gazing
comedy savant.
And you'd be right to.
He was my absolute, hands-down,
favorite comedian of all time.
And now he's been taken
from us far too soon.
Albert was one of the
great American filmmakers
of his or of any generation.
And
- Where are you going?
- Bathroom.
- I'm after you.
Okay.
Don't let anybody else go in.
That was the movie
I always wanted to make
about jealousy.
That is how much his art
resonated with audiences.
Before I got a chance
to know him as a friend,
I was just a fan.
I wish I had one more chance
just to tell him
how much Lost in America
resonated with me.
Oh, my God.
He's a COVID hoarder.
Albert Brooks
is a COVID hoarder.
- He's a fucking COVID hoarder.
- Albert's a COVID hoarder.
- Are you kidding me?
Look at this, Jon Hamm!
What the fuck?
What are you doing
in the closet?
What's going on here?
Look at all
that toilet paper.
And Purell!
First responders could have used
all of that stuff.
Why are people in that closet?
Wait a minute.
Are you really a COVID hoarder?
Hey, hey!
This is unacceptable.
What's going on in here?
The fuck is wrong with you?
You're sitting over there
with a closet
full of fucking toilet paper?
Jesus Christ!
Unbelievable.
- Have you no shame, Albert?
- Have you no shame?
-Shanda! A shanda!
I just moved in here.
This used to be a CVS.
You know what?
I hope you really die.
Jon, this was beautiful!
Come back!
Come on, Jeff.
We're out of here.
This is a mistake!
You disgust me.
Shame on you, Albert Brooks.
Come back. I've got flu shots.
Maybe we'll try
again next year.
Yeah.
- Fucking Albert!
- I know, right?
- Let's get out of here.
- Yeah.
Oh, hey, babe,
I left my coat outside.
Oh, okay. Okay. Okay.
The fuck?
- Oh, shit.
I'm done with her, man.
Once you do that shit,
you can't go back.
You can't unsee that shit.
You can't think of the person
any other way.
I'm sure Lucy Liu
felt the same way.
Even in the fucking
animal world,
when pigeons fly
into a motherfucking glass,
motherfucking office buildings
and shit,
they ostracized
from the other pigeons and shit.
You see a whole school
of these motherfuckers,
whether pigeons or geese
or whatever.
They fucking flying, and there's
one motherfucker back there.
You know why? Because that goofy
motherfucker ran
into a goddamn building
last week,
and they don't fuck
with him no more.
Huh.
That's why Mary Ferguson
had to go.
Well, what are you gonna do?
You paid for the plane ticket.
It's got Mary Ferguson's
name on it.
It's nonrefundable.
What are you gonna do, eat it?
No. I'm gonna find me
another Mary Ferguson.
What are you talking about?
I'mma put an ad out.
I'm gonna get them all here.
I'm gonna audition
a bunch of Mary Fergusons.
Find the one I like
and take her ass to Asia.
What random Mary Ferguson
is gonna go to Asia
with some stranger
who's probably a sociopath?
You're forgetting
one key thing here.
Free. Who wouldn't wanna
go to Asia for free?
They'll take that chance
waking up dead
for a free trip to Asia.
I promise you.
I think you might
have something.
Okay. I'm gonna take me
a little dip in the pool.
There was a dead body in there
just a couple of days ago,
- just so you know.
- It ain't in there now.
Oh, yeah, Susie.
Boy, you popped this
right out of there.
I know.
How did you do that?
- Oh, Larry. You know Larry.
- Yeah. I'm not a fan.
Yeah. Well, he plopped
and then it went flying
in the air and then it came out
and I couldn't find the stone.
But then I remembered, you gave
me a lifetime guarantee.
- So here I am.
- A what? A lifetime--
A lifetime guarantee, Dennis,
you don't remember?
I mean, Susie,
I don't have to remember.
We don't-- We've never given
lifetime guarantees.
Well, you gave me one.
No, Susie, I never said that.
- Yes, you did, Dennis.
I didn't--
Why would I say that?
- I don't know why.
- That doesn't sound like
something I would say.
Maybe 'cause I buy
so much fucking jewelry here.
We appreciate that.
But, Susie, I'm sorry, I just
have no memory of that.
Let me tell you something,
dementia boy, you gave me
a lifetime guarantee,
and I don't care
if you don't remember
your dog's fucking name,
you're got to fix this
and it's not gonna cost me
a goddamn thing.
You hear me, Zweibel?
- You got it?
- Got it.
I'll be back Friday.
Mary Ferguson.
Oh. Oh. My bad.
- How about you?
- Oh, me?
Go on inside.
- Hi, guys.
- Hey. Hello.
This is Brady Reiter,
Larry David.
- Nice to meet you.
Hi. Nice to meet you.
I've always loved traveling.
And I've been dying
to go to Asia for years.
Would you have a problem
faking a disability
just so we can get
in those wheelchairs
and they can push our ass
through the airport?
I don't think I would like that.
I want you to eat
this matzah ball. Come on.
- Come on. Munch it.
- Don't put the matzah ball here!
No matzah ball! Eat it!
That was great.
Wow.
- That was great.
Thank you guys!
- You guys have a great day.
Good job.
Bye.
Bye.
She's fucking hilarious.
Wow.
Yeah. Well, let's see.
Let's see who else.
Okay.
Next.
Bye.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Mary Ferguson 5.
Thank you.
Okay. Next.
- No.
- Uh
No.
Fantastic. Thanks a lot.
She's amazing.
- Yeah, she was fantastic.
I don't think so.
- Nah.
- Eh.
Hmm. Next.
I want you to eat
this matzah. Come on.
Ow. It's hot! Larry,
your hands are all over it!
That was great.
- Thank you.
Thanks, Julia.
- No.
Okay.
- You ever dated a Laker?
- No.
- How about Clipper?
- I've never dated a Clipper.
Fuckin' dig it.
Suppose we crashed
on a deserted island
and I make it
and you don't make it.
- Is it cool--
- You can eat me.
Oh. Shi
I think we should do this.
Wait. So am I going?
- Let's do this.
- Let's do it!
What's up?
- Ah!
Oh, shit! Oh, oh!
Hi. This is Maria Sofia
Estrada.
- Larry David.
- Hi.
What's up?
Hello.
Did you
- Oh.
Oh, headshot.
Yeah. Of course. Of course.
Of course. No problem.
Do you have a resume?
Uh
No resume.
And-- Yeah, and your
mark's back there, so
Oh. There.
Right there. Yeah. Great.
Okay.
To me. Eyeline to me.
Whenever you're ready.
Larry, my mother wants to know
if you wanna come
to our cedar Friday night.
Uh, it's Seder.
Uh, nah, I don't think so.
And I want you to meet
my boo-bay.
Your what?
My grandmother.
Yeah. I can't be
around old people.
They creep me out.
- Oh, stop.
Okay. Fine.
But only on one condition, okay?
You have to finish your lunch.
- I'm full.
- Look, you didn't need to think.
Marsha, seriously,
you're too thin.
You're like a rail. Come on.
This is a good weight for me.
Okay. But at least
finish the matzah ball, right?
No.
What is it?
Do you have an eating disorder?
- No.
Marsha, I swear to God.
- I want you to eat
the matzah ball
Ew! Gross!
Come on! Come on!
- Ew! No, stop!
- Stop.
Okay.
Thank you.
- Thanks, Maria.
- Thank you.
Nice to meet you.
- Oh, that's it?
- Yeah.
- Yeah. That's it.
- Whoo!
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Ooh, God.
We got her.
- Her?
That's our gal!
- Larry.
- Oh, my God.
All right. Let's go home.
- We still have three more girls.
Yeah. I don't think so.
Some double date.
Quite a romantic evening
this turned out, huh?
- Hey. Got any Purell?
- Yeah.
Oh.
- I ran out of the smaller ones.
That's a big boy.
Here. Keep it.
I got another one, you know.
- Thanks.
("IL BARONE ROSSO"
BY LUCIANO MICHELINI PLAYING) ♪