Live at The Apollo (2004) s11e01 Episode Script
Alan Carr, Francesca Martinez, Nish Kumar
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Alan Carr! How are you doing! Ah! Ah! Welcome to Live At The Apollo.
Tonight's about love.
I want it to be a positive atmosphere tonight, cos, I don't know about you but I think people get too much to say from themselves these days.
Are you agree with me? Yeah! People always get comment.
It does my attn.
Can I talk about this? Let's talk about TripAdvisor yet now.
If you are a dickhead or a moron, I think you should be not allowed to have an opinion, do you agree with me? I went on TripAdvisor, someone gave Stonehenge two stars cos there wasn't a coffee shop! A woman gave Lake Windermere one star because she'd lost her handbag there.
That's not the lake's fault! My favourite thing ever, someone had been to see the tomb of Tutankhamen.
They wrote underneath, "It stank.
It was like someone had died there.
" And you know, people have been giving their hometown on TripAdvisor five stars to push the house prices up.
Did you know this, Hammersmith? Oh, yeah.
Someone gave my hometown, Northampton, five stars.
Have you been? It's the kind of place, if you wear shoes, people will think you're the secret millionaire! Now, be fair, when you're on these websites, be fair.
Sometimes it's gonna piss it down, sometimes you gonna be in a bad mood, listen, be fair.
I give you an example.
I got touched inappropriately on a Jack The Ripper walk by a feral mute.
I thought it was part of the tour, I did.
"Jack? Was that you, Jack? Jack?" Did I slag it off? No, raise it buddy.
Five stars, bring a friend.
Five starts, full fingers.
It's a shit joke, don't laugh at that.
Don't, don't laugh at it, it's shit.
Has anyone here actually been on a Jack The Ripper walk? Yes! You're like me.
I love him.
Since I moved down from Manchester, I went on this Jack The Ripper walk.
These out-of-work actors and actresses.
Hammy? Even people from Hollyoaks were saying, "Tone it down, love.
" Do you know what I am saying? They lie to you, they make out Is anyone here from the East End? They make out, don't they, it's all Dickensian, Victorian cobbled streets.
It's not, it's modern now.
I'm following this woman round on this Jack The Ripper tour.
"And the prostitute was slashed from here to here!" "Left to die on the floor like a dog!" And you're in the doorway of a Londis! The electric doors are going zub-zub, zub-zub, zub-zub.
I fell out with TripAdvisor big time.
I went to Oman for a week.
I looked on TripAdvisor.
"Food is to die for.
" "The people are so friendly.
" "The sea is crystal clear.
" Didn't say that homosexuality was illegal, did they? I had to be butch for a week.
A week! I used muscles in my legs I didn't even know I had.
And it's horrible because, at the resort, I could hear people saying things like, "Oh, here she is.
" "Bet he's one of those.
" Do you know what I mean? So I kept throwing them off the scent.
I kept walking into the foyer, shouting loudly, "Has my wife arrived yet?" You can't miss her, she's got a cock! Why does everything have to be extreme? That's what gets me, do you know what I mean? What's on telly these days, what do we have? Extreme weather.
Weather's extreme, isn't it? You know who's loving the extreme weather, don't you? The weather forecasters.
They're loving the drama.
Who's that one, BBC weather in the morning? Scottish woman? Carol! She's loving it, the extreme weather.
She's dishing out advice now, have you seen her? It's going to rain today, so I'd wear a coat.
Thanks, Carol.
What about when they start telling you the weather that's happening at the minute, have you seen that? It's sunny outside.
Aw, thanks Carol, I wondered what that fucking window was for! Innit! What about when they tell you the weather that's happening at night? Who gives a shit? Who gives a shit?! It's going to rain at one in the morning.
Who cares! What, you ever get a load of prostitutes going, "I'll be packing my waders.
" I'm glad people are discussing extreme weather.
Are you? People are saying, "Look after the elderly, "get water in, get sandbags, get food.
" Cos, when I was growing up and we had extreme weather, we were just told to go out and play! Remember your mum? "Go out and play!" A cow blows past the window! Hail stones, hurricanes, tsunamis, I'd be outside.
If you didn't come back with a wind chime embedded in your face, you hadn't lived! Tracey Fox had a balloon.
She blew away, we never saw her again.
I remember it being so cold in the playground, the string holding my mittens together froze.
Got double maths and I can't get in the door, help.
And we didn't have warm clothes growing up.
Aw.
Couldn't even afford a balaclava.
Aw.
My mum drew a face on a pop sock and pulled that over my head.
I know it was bloody cold back then, you look at my school photos.
1984 to 1990, cold sore, pooff! Every year, cold sore, pooff! Right there in the middle of my big, round, pasty-white face.
If I wore a metallic ruff, I'd look like a cherry Bakewell.
The thing is, with cold sores, if I had a hump on my back or a hairy mole, no-one would have mentioned it.
Cold sores, people start sucking their teeth, pointing, don't they? "Ooh!" "Is that a cold sore?" No, me bindi slipped! What do you think? What do you think? Then they start dropping the H-bomb, don't they? "Ooh, that's herpes.
" Whoa, whoa, whoa! Why are you mentioning, why drag it down to that level? You wouldn't go up to someone who's got a chipped nail, "Why, was you wanking off a tramp?" Oh, sorry! Sorry, just asking, I just thought I'd ask.
Does anyone here actually suffer with cold sores? Woman at the back in a crash helmet, yeah.
I mean, if you have got skin disorders Can you listen to this? Hammersmith, will you listen to this, please? My friend Well, she's not my friend, she's a friend of a friend.
She drinks her own urine.
Listen, her skin is amazing, her skin is to die for.
Her breath bloody stinks, but People throw stones at her in the street and call her a witch.
But her skin - mwah! I mean, I'm having a laugh about this but I've had cold sores all my life.
And it gets me down, it gets me depressed.
I've tried everything, lotions, potions, pills, you name it, I've done whatever to get rid of it.
This is how desperate I got.
I went to one of those fish pedicure places.
And I distracted the woman, and I bobbed.
Bite it, bite it! It came off, I had a verruca.
That would just be my luck, honestly.
Athlete's foot.
No! I mentioned school photos before.
You can't explain to this iPhone generation, can you, about school photos? That was your one photo.
You take photos now every minute of the day.
That was your one photo.
If that school photo was shit, you had a shit year.
Right? That photo was good, you had a good year, yeah? It's all right, you with your iPhones now, deleting, rotating, putting your different filters on.
Sepia? Why anyone would choose sepia, why choose sepia? Why do you want to look like you've got jaundice? Why? Here's me at Chessington World Of Adventure.
With liver failure.
School photos, you could not mess it up.
You'd stand in a line outside the classroom, stand in a line.
Psht! Next.
Psht! Next.
Psht! Next.
Psht! Next.
Psht! Next.
1987, I sneezed.
I said, "Can I take it again?" "No.
Next.
" "I can't look like that!" And every member of your family bought it, didn't it? Every house you'd go to, I'd be on the mantelpiece This was the '80s.
What you looked like was what you looked like.
No Photoshopping and all that, airbrushing, shit like that, no.
Plastic surgery? No.
What you looked like was what you looked like.
And I think we all owe it to ourselves to make ourselves look a bit better, don't we? We can all do little bits to make ourselves look better.
I'm not having a go, girls, I'm not.
But, you know the women who have the hairy face? No.
You know the women with the five o'clock shadow? You know.
They go, "Well, if I shave it, it'll only come back twice as thick.
" And you're like, "Well, have a go.
" Don't give up hope just yet.
You look like an Ewok.
Shave.
I mentioned iPhones there.
And I don't want to drag the night down because we've got some great guests coming on.
But my friend who's a teacher, she was telling me that some of the kids in her class have been using their iPhone to take photos of their, um Private parts.
I don't want to be rude because it's a BBC Two show.
Private parts.
Some of the kids have been taking photos of their private parts and sending them on the iPhone to all the kids in the class.
I thought, "Isn't that sad?" Because, in my day, A, I didn't have the inclination to do that.
And, B, I didn't have a camera on my phone.
So, if I wanted to show the whole class my knob, I'd have to trace it with some Izal toilet paper and stick it on an overhead projector.
Thank you, my knob.
Thank you.
My knob.
My knob.
Thank you.
Oh, my God, I'm on a loop.
My knob.
Shit, I can't stop.
My knob.
Well, Hammersmith, I think you've been warmed up very nicely.
Are you in the mood for some top-notch comedy? Good.
Well, please give a wonderful Hammersmith welcome to the fantastic Francesca Martinez! Wow.
Hello, Apollo! It's so great to be here.
I actually drove here today.
It's amazing.
I'm wobbly, but I can drive.
You know, when they told me I could drive, I was like, "Are you sure!" But I can.
I don't know how I do, but I do.
Anyway, get this, yeah, totally true, a few weeks ago, I'm getting into my car, and this taxi driver pulled up right beside me.
And he says, "Don't do it, love.
" And I'm like, "Do what?" And he goes, "Don't drink and drive.
" Yeah.
Can you believe that? I was going, "Mr Cabbie.
"Just cos I'm a bit shaky, and I walk a bit funny, "and I've got puke down my front.
" Cos it's weird, guys, when you're wobbly, right, people ask you really crazy stuff.
Like, I've had men asking me, "Are you shaky during sex?" And I was like, "Well, that depends on how good you are, mate.
" But, despite that joke, I am a hopeless romantic.
Boys are amazing, aren't they? And my perfect man has always been a poor Irish poet.
I love the accent.
And the poverty.
This is totally true.
I met my boyfriend nine years ago, in Dublin.
And he opened his mouth and I was like, "Yeah, that'll do.
" Luckily, guys, you'll be pleased to know I have found a brilliant form of contraception, oh, yes.
It's when I put a condom on my boyfriend, because, the amount my hand's shaking, it's all over before it begins.
My family are great.
They've made me feel really loved and very confident.
I really loved school.
I was just having so much fun.
By the way, I found out recently that my old junior school is now sponsored by McDonald's.
It's awful, isn't it? The kids are learning the alphabet, like, R is for Ronald McDonald.
I was so shocked.
I thought, where will it end? Will you have books for dyslexic kids sponsored by FCUK? But school was great, right? And I loved it.
But then I hit that age of 11 and there was a lot of pressure on me to go to a special school.
And I don't mean Eton.
Oh, no.
My parents didn't want this because they didn't want me being defined by what I couldn't do.
So they fought really hard and they got me into a mainstream all-girls school.
And then it was shit.
God, the girls in my class hated me.
And it was little things - like, when we were 16, my friends I say friends - bitches.
Oh, by the way, they all want to be my friend on Facebook now.
Fuck off! Did I say that out loud? Calm down! OK.
Where was I? Yeah, so, they used to say stuff like, "Francesca, no-one will ever go out with you.
"Well, apart from someone like Jesus.
" I'd be like, "Hm, who would I prefer? "Jesus, son of God, or your boyfriend Barry? "Son of no-one knows, really.
" So, guys, I hated school, but luckily, I got a part on Grange Hill.
And this was amazing, cos they rescued me from that high school hell, and I made friends, and there were real boys.
It was great.
And it was so much fun.
They used to film Top Of The Pops there, yeah? And one day, I came out of my dressing room, and David Bowie was standing there.
Now, we were always told to act really normal around the celebs, so I just said to him, "All right, Dave?" And he said, "Oh, my God, it's Rachel from Grange Hill!" I said, "Calm down, Dave.
We're all human.
" So you know, it can be hard.
Although I do get offered quite a few acting parts, and - this is totally true - the last acting part I got offered was in a brand-new sitcom.
I was so excited.
I got home, got the script, opened it up, and the part was of Claire, who is, I quote, "So disabled, she is incapable "of any speech, movement or expression.
" Right.
Well, while I was clearly flattered to be offered this, I wrote them back this letter.
"Dear TV person, "Many thanks for offering me the part of Claire.
"However, I do not feel I yet possess the skill "to bring off such a complex and demanding role successfully.
" "I also fear that a week's rehearsal "would not give me enough time to fully inhabit "such a well-written portrayal of disability in the 21st century.
"May I suggest casting a shoe or a carrot instead? "PS, if you do need someone brain-dead, "try Kim Kardashian.
" Thank you.
Goodnight.
Francesca Martinez! Fantastic.
Absolutely brilliant.
I think we should keep the laughs coming.
Do you agree? Well, give a fantastic Hammersmith welcome to the amazing Nish Kumar! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
How are you? You all right? Great to be here.
Lovely to see you all.
I feel great.
This is going to go very well.
This is a big year for me.
Big year.
Cos I turn 30 this year.
I'm 30 years old! And the big year did not get off to a great start.
In February, my dad went to see Still Alice.
If you haven't seen it, it's a very brilliant but very harrowing film where Julianne Moore plays a woman who gets Alzheimer's disease.
Now, my dad starts to bring this film up with me over lunch when I'm at my parents' house, and I say, "I don't want to talk about this with you", cos I don't care how old you are, no-one wants to imagine that happening to their parents, right? And my dad said, "Oh, don't worry.
"That'll never happen to me.
" And I said, "What?" And he went, "I'm never going to get Alzheimer's disease.
" And I was like, "Have you found a cure? "Because I really feel like you should have told someone.
" And he said, "No, no, no, it's not that.
"It's just when I'm 75 years old" What the hell is that?! Now, I understandably looked horrified.
He must have misinterpreted that horror for some sort of confusion, because he clarified by going Now, this is the nice thing about my parents' marriage.
When one of them does something crazy, the other one doesn't tell them off.
They see it as a challenge.
It's like, "Oh, you have laid down the crazy gauntlet.
"Fetch me my wack job steed.
" Because at that point, my mother's first and only comment on this whole plan was just to say, "Do it in the garden, I'm not cleaning up after you.
" And then the big year went from bad to worse.
My mother said, "Nish, there's a problem with your comedy.
" I said, "What is the problem with my comedy?" She said, "Well, you're a left-wing comedian.
" I said, "Why is that a problem?" She said, "Well, all comedians are left-wing.
It's boring.
" Now, here's the thing.
I have no idea if all comedians are left-wing.
I've not done the research.
Hold my hands up, right? But I have a theory.
I think it is hard to write right-wing comedy.
And I know, because I've been trying.
This is the best I could come up with for right-wing comedy.
"Hey, don't you hate it when you start earning over 100,000 a year "and you move up an income tax bracket?" Doesn't work! Here's the thing.
All I think is going on is stand-up comedy is an art form wherein it's easier to express left-wing political beliefs.
I think it's just easier.
That's why it feels like all comedians are left-wing.
But if you look over the entire cultural spectrum, it balances itself out, because I think there's as much stuff that's inherently left-wing as there is inherently right-wing.
Cos I would argue, as much as no-one wants to see a right-wing comedian these days, even fewer people want to watch a left-wing action film.
Like, I am left-wing, and I love action films, but I have no desire to watch a left-wing action film.
I have no desire to watch the Avengers apply to the UN Security Council to pass a resolution so that they can fight Ultron.
I don't want to watch Iron Man get bogged down in a diplomatic quagmire.
Largely because that was the plot of Iron Man 2, and it was a shit film.
But I think it's great that culture finds a way of balancing itself out.
Left-wing people have some stuff, right-wing people have some stuff.
Left-wing people have comedy, right-wing people have action movies.
A left-wing people have folk music, of course they do, because right-wing folks would be harrowing.
Because right-wing folks is basically # My dad works in a factory, # The factory closed down, # But it was unprofitable, so good.
That is not something anyone wants to see.
No ones wants to listen muffling of these Nazi sons, right? But I think it's great that culture finds a way of balancing itself out.
Left-wing people have some stuff, right-wing people have some stuff.
Left-wing people have comedy and folk music, right-wing people have action movies and board games, because, when I was growing up, the board game I've played most often, and now I think it's insane we allow children to play this game.
I'm talking, of course, about Monopoly.
I cannot believe Monopoly is a game.
First of all, it's called Monopoly.
Base of financial crime.
We have governmental bodies designed to prevent.
There are no games named other financial crimes.
There's no Embezzlement Ball, or, "Hey, kids, build your own Lego Ponzi scheme!" People worry about Grand Theft Auto.
Monopoly reinforces a right-wing way of running our economy as the right way to do so.
So the public roads, the electric company, the train station, you can just buy them! And the more of them you own more money you make.
What happens if you go to jail? Nothing, as long as you can afford to bribe your way out! And the worst thing that can happen to you when you go around Monopoly board is you land on the square that says "Pay your tax".
What kind of message are we setting for children? I was playing Monopoly with my 8 year old cousin other day and he went, "No!" I said "What?" And he went "Tax!" And I was like, "Great, there it is.
" Future investment banker when I meets, it's absolutely what I do.
And I know that there are a lot of board games that have weird messages and send kids strange messages.
Battleships is basically telling children the best way to fight a war is when you can't see where you're shooting.
Snakes and Ladders is basically encouraging animal cruelty, and chess, if you think about it, basically just promotes slow, tactical racism.
So I am aware that a lot of board games sent out strange messages.
But I believe with Monopoly, it's an easy fix.
I think it would be very easy to bring Monopoly back into the political centre ground.
All you have to do is add a third deck of cards, cos at the moment when you get Monopoly, you get two decks.
You get Chance and Community Chest.
I suggest we add a third deck of cards called Consequence.
So we can teach these little turds something about real-world economics.
And the Consequence cards could be anything - for example, "Your hotels are vandalised by a group of youths who have had "their community centre closed down due to governmental cutbacks.
"Pay 50,000.
" "You have to employ a private security service "due to soaring crime rates caused by the underfunding of the police force and "the long-term social consequence of the economic inequality "that's fuelled your rise as a property mogul.
"Pay 250,000.
" "You fall in a crack in the road "that has not been fixed due to underinvestment.
"You go to the local hospital, but it has closed down.
"Your foot falls off.
"Please go to collect 100.
"It would have been 200, but we cut disability benefits.
" Ladies and gentlemen, it has been a pleasure it speaking to you.
My name is Nish.
Goodbye.
Nish Kumar, everyone! Did you enjoy that? Fantastic stuff.
Absolutely fantastic.
Have you had a good time tonight, Hammersmith? Well, give it up for the acts you've seen tonight.
You've seen the fantastic Francesca Martinez.
And the brilliant Nish Kumar.
Fantastic stuff.
And I've been Alan Carr.
Thank you, take care, goodnight! If I want to sleep with some deadbeat, I will.
I only own one pair of shoes.
Keep talking.
This watch came out of a cereal packet.
Now you're just showing off.
Tonight's about love.
I want it to be a positive atmosphere tonight, cos, I don't know about you but I think people get too much to say from themselves these days.
Are you agree with me? Yeah! People always get comment.
It does my attn.
Can I talk about this? Let's talk about TripAdvisor yet now.
If you are a dickhead or a moron, I think you should be not allowed to have an opinion, do you agree with me? I went on TripAdvisor, someone gave Stonehenge two stars cos there wasn't a coffee shop! A woman gave Lake Windermere one star because she'd lost her handbag there.
That's not the lake's fault! My favourite thing ever, someone had been to see the tomb of Tutankhamen.
They wrote underneath, "It stank.
It was like someone had died there.
" And you know, people have been giving their hometown on TripAdvisor five stars to push the house prices up.
Did you know this, Hammersmith? Oh, yeah.
Someone gave my hometown, Northampton, five stars.
Have you been? It's the kind of place, if you wear shoes, people will think you're the secret millionaire! Now, be fair, when you're on these websites, be fair.
Sometimes it's gonna piss it down, sometimes you gonna be in a bad mood, listen, be fair.
I give you an example.
I got touched inappropriately on a Jack The Ripper walk by a feral mute.
I thought it was part of the tour, I did.
"Jack? Was that you, Jack? Jack?" Did I slag it off? No, raise it buddy.
Five stars, bring a friend.
Five starts, full fingers.
It's a shit joke, don't laugh at that.
Don't, don't laugh at it, it's shit.
Has anyone here actually been on a Jack The Ripper walk? Yes! You're like me.
I love him.
Since I moved down from Manchester, I went on this Jack The Ripper walk.
These out-of-work actors and actresses.
Hammy? Even people from Hollyoaks were saying, "Tone it down, love.
" Do you know what I am saying? They lie to you, they make out Is anyone here from the East End? They make out, don't they, it's all Dickensian, Victorian cobbled streets.
It's not, it's modern now.
I'm following this woman round on this Jack The Ripper tour.
"And the prostitute was slashed from here to here!" "Left to die on the floor like a dog!" And you're in the doorway of a Londis! The electric doors are going zub-zub, zub-zub, zub-zub.
I fell out with TripAdvisor big time.
I went to Oman for a week.
I looked on TripAdvisor.
"Food is to die for.
" "The people are so friendly.
" "The sea is crystal clear.
" Didn't say that homosexuality was illegal, did they? I had to be butch for a week.
A week! I used muscles in my legs I didn't even know I had.
And it's horrible because, at the resort, I could hear people saying things like, "Oh, here she is.
" "Bet he's one of those.
" Do you know what I mean? So I kept throwing them off the scent.
I kept walking into the foyer, shouting loudly, "Has my wife arrived yet?" You can't miss her, she's got a cock! Why does everything have to be extreme? That's what gets me, do you know what I mean? What's on telly these days, what do we have? Extreme weather.
Weather's extreme, isn't it? You know who's loving the extreme weather, don't you? The weather forecasters.
They're loving the drama.
Who's that one, BBC weather in the morning? Scottish woman? Carol! She's loving it, the extreme weather.
She's dishing out advice now, have you seen her? It's going to rain today, so I'd wear a coat.
Thanks, Carol.
What about when they start telling you the weather that's happening at the minute, have you seen that? It's sunny outside.
Aw, thanks Carol, I wondered what that fucking window was for! Innit! What about when they tell you the weather that's happening at night? Who gives a shit? Who gives a shit?! It's going to rain at one in the morning.
Who cares! What, you ever get a load of prostitutes going, "I'll be packing my waders.
" I'm glad people are discussing extreme weather.
Are you? People are saying, "Look after the elderly, "get water in, get sandbags, get food.
" Cos, when I was growing up and we had extreme weather, we were just told to go out and play! Remember your mum? "Go out and play!" A cow blows past the window! Hail stones, hurricanes, tsunamis, I'd be outside.
If you didn't come back with a wind chime embedded in your face, you hadn't lived! Tracey Fox had a balloon.
She blew away, we never saw her again.
I remember it being so cold in the playground, the string holding my mittens together froze.
Got double maths and I can't get in the door, help.
And we didn't have warm clothes growing up.
Aw.
Couldn't even afford a balaclava.
Aw.
My mum drew a face on a pop sock and pulled that over my head.
I know it was bloody cold back then, you look at my school photos.
1984 to 1990, cold sore, pooff! Every year, cold sore, pooff! Right there in the middle of my big, round, pasty-white face.
If I wore a metallic ruff, I'd look like a cherry Bakewell.
The thing is, with cold sores, if I had a hump on my back or a hairy mole, no-one would have mentioned it.
Cold sores, people start sucking their teeth, pointing, don't they? "Ooh!" "Is that a cold sore?" No, me bindi slipped! What do you think? What do you think? Then they start dropping the H-bomb, don't they? "Ooh, that's herpes.
" Whoa, whoa, whoa! Why are you mentioning, why drag it down to that level? You wouldn't go up to someone who's got a chipped nail, "Why, was you wanking off a tramp?" Oh, sorry! Sorry, just asking, I just thought I'd ask.
Does anyone here actually suffer with cold sores? Woman at the back in a crash helmet, yeah.
I mean, if you have got skin disorders Can you listen to this? Hammersmith, will you listen to this, please? My friend Well, she's not my friend, she's a friend of a friend.
She drinks her own urine.
Listen, her skin is amazing, her skin is to die for.
Her breath bloody stinks, but People throw stones at her in the street and call her a witch.
But her skin - mwah! I mean, I'm having a laugh about this but I've had cold sores all my life.
And it gets me down, it gets me depressed.
I've tried everything, lotions, potions, pills, you name it, I've done whatever to get rid of it.
This is how desperate I got.
I went to one of those fish pedicure places.
And I distracted the woman, and I bobbed.
Bite it, bite it! It came off, I had a verruca.
That would just be my luck, honestly.
Athlete's foot.
No! I mentioned school photos before.
You can't explain to this iPhone generation, can you, about school photos? That was your one photo.
You take photos now every minute of the day.
That was your one photo.
If that school photo was shit, you had a shit year.
Right? That photo was good, you had a good year, yeah? It's all right, you with your iPhones now, deleting, rotating, putting your different filters on.
Sepia? Why anyone would choose sepia, why choose sepia? Why do you want to look like you've got jaundice? Why? Here's me at Chessington World Of Adventure.
With liver failure.
School photos, you could not mess it up.
You'd stand in a line outside the classroom, stand in a line.
Psht! Next.
Psht! Next.
Psht! Next.
Psht! Next.
Psht! Next.
1987, I sneezed.
I said, "Can I take it again?" "No.
Next.
" "I can't look like that!" And every member of your family bought it, didn't it? Every house you'd go to, I'd be on the mantelpiece This was the '80s.
What you looked like was what you looked like.
No Photoshopping and all that, airbrushing, shit like that, no.
Plastic surgery? No.
What you looked like was what you looked like.
And I think we all owe it to ourselves to make ourselves look a bit better, don't we? We can all do little bits to make ourselves look better.
I'm not having a go, girls, I'm not.
But, you know the women who have the hairy face? No.
You know the women with the five o'clock shadow? You know.
They go, "Well, if I shave it, it'll only come back twice as thick.
" And you're like, "Well, have a go.
" Don't give up hope just yet.
You look like an Ewok.
Shave.
I mentioned iPhones there.
And I don't want to drag the night down because we've got some great guests coming on.
But my friend who's a teacher, she was telling me that some of the kids in her class have been using their iPhone to take photos of their, um Private parts.
I don't want to be rude because it's a BBC Two show.
Private parts.
Some of the kids have been taking photos of their private parts and sending them on the iPhone to all the kids in the class.
I thought, "Isn't that sad?" Because, in my day, A, I didn't have the inclination to do that.
And, B, I didn't have a camera on my phone.
So, if I wanted to show the whole class my knob, I'd have to trace it with some Izal toilet paper and stick it on an overhead projector.
Thank you, my knob.
Thank you.
My knob.
My knob.
Thank you.
Oh, my God, I'm on a loop.
My knob.
Shit, I can't stop.
My knob.
Well, Hammersmith, I think you've been warmed up very nicely.
Are you in the mood for some top-notch comedy? Good.
Well, please give a wonderful Hammersmith welcome to the fantastic Francesca Martinez! Wow.
Hello, Apollo! It's so great to be here.
I actually drove here today.
It's amazing.
I'm wobbly, but I can drive.
You know, when they told me I could drive, I was like, "Are you sure!" But I can.
I don't know how I do, but I do.
Anyway, get this, yeah, totally true, a few weeks ago, I'm getting into my car, and this taxi driver pulled up right beside me.
And he says, "Don't do it, love.
" And I'm like, "Do what?" And he goes, "Don't drink and drive.
" Yeah.
Can you believe that? I was going, "Mr Cabbie.
"Just cos I'm a bit shaky, and I walk a bit funny, "and I've got puke down my front.
" Cos it's weird, guys, when you're wobbly, right, people ask you really crazy stuff.
Like, I've had men asking me, "Are you shaky during sex?" And I was like, "Well, that depends on how good you are, mate.
" But, despite that joke, I am a hopeless romantic.
Boys are amazing, aren't they? And my perfect man has always been a poor Irish poet.
I love the accent.
And the poverty.
This is totally true.
I met my boyfriend nine years ago, in Dublin.
And he opened his mouth and I was like, "Yeah, that'll do.
" Luckily, guys, you'll be pleased to know I have found a brilliant form of contraception, oh, yes.
It's when I put a condom on my boyfriend, because, the amount my hand's shaking, it's all over before it begins.
My family are great.
They've made me feel really loved and very confident.
I really loved school.
I was just having so much fun.
By the way, I found out recently that my old junior school is now sponsored by McDonald's.
It's awful, isn't it? The kids are learning the alphabet, like, R is for Ronald McDonald.
I was so shocked.
I thought, where will it end? Will you have books for dyslexic kids sponsored by FCUK? But school was great, right? And I loved it.
But then I hit that age of 11 and there was a lot of pressure on me to go to a special school.
And I don't mean Eton.
Oh, no.
My parents didn't want this because they didn't want me being defined by what I couldn't do.
So they fought really hard and they got me into a mainstream all-girls school.
And then it was shit.
God, the girls in my class hated me.
And it was little things - like, when we were 16, my friends I say friends - bitches.
Oh, by the way, they all want to be my friend on Facebook now.
Fuck off! Did I say that out loud? Calm down! OK.
Where was I? Yeah, so, they used to say stuff like, "Francesca, no-one will ever go out with you.
"Well, apart from someone like Jesus.
" I'd be like, "Hm, who would I prefer? "Jesus, son of God, or your boyfriend Barry? "Son of no-one knows, really.
" So, guys, I hated school, but luckily, I got a part on Grange Hill.
And this was amazing, cos they rescued me from that high school hell, and I made friends, and there were real boys.
It was great.
And it was so much fun.
They used to film Top Of The Pops there, yeah? And one day, I came out of my dressing room, and David Bowie was standing there.
Now, we were always told to act really normal around the celebs, so I just said to him, "All right, Dave?" And he said, "Oh, my God, it's Rachel from Grange Hill!" I said, "Calm down, Dave.
We're all human.
" So you know, it can be hard.
Although I do get offered quite a few acting parts, and - this is totally true - the last acting part I got offered was in a brand-new sitcom.
I was so excited.
I got home, got the script, opened it up, and the part was of Claire, who is, I quote, "So disabled, she is incapable "of any speech, movement or expression.
" Right.
Well, while I was clearly flattered to be offered this, I wrote them back this letter.
"Dear TV person, "Many thanks for offering me the part of Claire.
"However, I do not feel I yet possess the skill "to bring off such a complex and demanding role successfully.
" "I also fear that a week's rehearsal "would not give me enough time to fully inhabit "such a well-written portrayal of disability in the 21st century.
"May I suggest casting a shoe or a carrot instead? "PS, if you do need someone brain-dead, "try Kim Kardashian.
" Thank you.
Goodnight.
Francesca Martinez! Fantastic.
Absolutely brilliant.
I think we should keep the laughs coming.
Do you agree? Well, give a fantastic Hammersmith welcome to the amazing Nish Kumar! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
How are you? You all right? Great to be here.
Lovely to see you all.
I feel great.
This is going to go very well.
This is a big year for me.
Big year.
Cos I turn 30 this year.
I'm 30 years old! And the big year did not get off to a great start.
In February, my dad went to see Still Alice.
If you haven't seen it, it's a very brilliant but very harrowing film where Julianne Moore plays a woman who gets Alzheimer's disease.
Now, my dad starts to bring this film up with me over lunch when I'm at my parents' house, and I say, "I don't want to talk about this with you", cos I don't care how old you are, no-one wants to imagine that happening to their parents, right? And my dad said, "Oh, don't worry.
"That'll never happen to me.
" And I said, "What?" And he went, "I'm never going to get Alzheimer's disease.
" And I was like, "Have you found a cure? "Because I really feel like you should have told someone.
" And he said, "No, no, no, it's not that.
"It's just when I'm 75 years old" What the hell is that?! Now, I understandably looked horrified.
He must have misinterpreted that horror for some sort of confusion, because he clarified by going Now, this is the nice thing about my parents' marriage.
When one of them does something crazy, the other one doesn't tell them off.
They see it as a challenge.
It's like, "Oh, you have laid down the crazy gauntlet.
"Fetch me my wack job steed.
" Because at that point, my mother's first and only comment on this whole plan was just to say, "Do it in the garden, I'm not cleaning up after you.
" And then the big year went from bad to worse.
My mother said, "Nish, there's a problem with your comedy.
" I said, "What is the problem with my comedy?" She said, "Well, you're a left-wing comedian.
" I said, "Why is that a problem?" She said, "Well, all comedians are left-wing.
It's boring.
" Now, here's the thing.
I have no idea if all comedians are left-wing.
I've not done the research.
Hold my hands up, right? But I have a theory.
I think it is hard to write right-wing comedy.
And I know, because I've been trying.
This is the best I could come up with for right-wing comedy.
"Hey, don't you hate it when you start earning over 100,000 a year "and you move up an income tax bracket?" Doesn't work! Here's the thing.
All I think is going on is stand-up comedy is an art form wherein it's easier to express left-wing political beliefs.
I think it's just easier.
That's why it feels like all comedians are left-wing.
But if you look over the entire cultural spectrum, it balances itself out, because I think there's as much stuff that's inherently left-wing as there is inherently right-wing.
Cos I would argue, as much as no-one wants to see a right-wing comedian these days, even fewer people want to watch a left-wing action film.
Like, I am left-wing, and I love action films, but I have no desire to watch a left-wing action film.
I have no desire to watch the Avengers apply to the UN Security Council to pass a resolution so that they can fight Ultron.
I don't want to watch Iron Man get bogged down in a diplomatic quagmire.
Largely because that was the plot of Iron Man 2, and it was a shit film.
But I think it's great that culture finds a way of balancing itself out.
Left-wing people have some stuff, right-wing people have some stuff.
Left-wing people have comedy, right-wing people have action movies.
A left-wing people have folk music, of course they do, because right-wing folks would be harrowing.
Because right-wing folks is basically # My dad works in a factory, # The factory closed down, # But it was unprofitable, so good.
That is not something anyone wants to see.
No ones wants to listen muffling of these Nazi sons, right? But I think it's great that culture finds a way of balancing itself out.
Left-wing people have some stuff, right-wing people have some stuff.
Left-wing people have comedy and folk music, right-wing people have action movies and board games, because, when I was growing up, the board game I've played most often, and now I think it's insane we allow children to play this game.
I'm talking, of course, about Monopoly.
I cannot believe Monopoly is a game.
First of all, it's called Monopoly.
Base of financial crime.
We have governmental bodies designed to prevent.
There are no games named other financial crimes.
There's no Embezzlement Ball, or, "Hey, kids, build your own Lego Ponzi scheme!" People worry about Grand Theft Auto.
Monopoly reinforces a right-wing way of running our economy as the right way to do so.
So the public roads, the electric company, the train station, you can just buy them! And the more of them you own more money you make.
What happens if you go to jail? Nothing, as long as you can afford to bribe your way out! And the worst thing that can happen to you when you go around Monopoly board is you land on the square that says "Pay your tax".
What kind of message are we setting for children? I was playing Monopoly with my 8 year old cousin other day and he went, "No!" I said "What?" And he went "Tax!" And I was like, "Great, there it is.
" Future investment banker when I meets, it's absolutely what I do.
And I know that there are a lot of board games that have weird messages and send kids strange messages.
Battleships is basically telling children the best way to fight a war is when you can't see where you're shooting.
Snakes and Ladders is basically encouraging animal cruelty, and chess, if you think about it, basically just promotes slow, tactical racism.
So I am aware that a lot of board games sent out strange messages.
But I believe with Monopoly, it's an easy fix.
I think it would be very easy to bring Monopoly back into the political centre ground.
All you have to do is add a third deck of cards, cos at the moment when you get Monopoly, you get two decks.
You get Chance and Community Chest.
I suggest we add a third deck of cards called Consequence.
So we can teach these little turds something about real-world economics.
And the Consequence cards could be anything - for example, "Your hotels are vandalised by a group of youths who have had "their community centre closed down due to governmental cutbacks.
"Pay 50,000.
" "You have to employ a private security service "due to soaring crime rates caused by the underfunding of the police force and "the long-term social consequence of the economic inequality "that's fuelled your rise as a property mogul.
"Pay 250,000.
" "You fall in a crack in the road "that has not been fixed due to underinvestment.
"You go to the local hospital, but it has closed down.
"Your foot falls off.
"Please go to collect 100.
"It would have been 200, but we cut disability benefits.
" Ladies and gentlemen, it has been a pleasure it speaking to you.
My name is Nish.
Goodbye.
Nish Kumar, everyone! Did you enjoy that? Fantastic stuff.
Absolutely fantastic.
Have you had a good time tonight, Hammersmith? Well, give it up for the acts you've seen tonight.
You've seen the fantastic Francesca Martinez.
And the brilliant Nish Kumar.
Fantastic stuff.
And I've been Alan Carr.
Thank you, take care, goodnight! If I want to sleep with some deadbeat, I will.
I only own one pair of shoes.
Keep talking.
This watch came out of a cereal packet.
Now you're just showing off.