M*A*S*H (MASH) s11e01 Episode Script

Where are the sphygmomanometers? Maybe the nurses took them when they bugged out with the patients.
Klinger, this is the medicine box.
- This is the not-medicine box.
- Bandages are not medicine? If you can't swallow it, don't put it in here.
Is medicinal alcohol medicine medicine or not-medicine medicine? Not! Not.
Every time the enemy so much as sneezes in our direction "I" Corps evacuates the nurses and leaves us to do all the work.
Major, this ain't dish night at the Bijou for me either.
Grab that.
As long as the Chinese are on their way why don't we leave this stuff sitting out with a tag on it - that says "no starch"? - Fold.
- When are we leaving, Colonel? - I don't even know if we are.
I got space for a half a box of not-medicine.
You put this in with this? Can you swallow either one of those? Klinger, call "I" Corps.
Ask them if we're getting our nurses back in a day or so - or are we going to be joining them? - Yes, sir.
Oh Triage.
Let's go.
These instruments are ready.
Put some out at each table, but don't touch anything with your bare hands.
Hell of a way to sterilize instruments when we've got a perfectly good autoclave.
As soon as the nurses get back I want everyone to take a crash course on how to run that thing.
As soon as the nurses get back, we won't need to know how.
Watch it, Charles.
You're gonna get plaster in this kid's wound.
Sorry.
I'd be happy to do this in the plastering room where it is supposed to be done.
I want all the patients in here.
We don't have anybody to watch them while we operate.
Give me some suction.
Quick, Father.
- Is he gonna make it? - I don't know.
There's hardly enough pieces here to sew back together.
All I can hope to do is buy him some time.
Dear God, if it's within thy divine will - grant Private Sandler - Retraction, quick! Pull that back while I sew it.
- Sorry, Father.
- That's all right.
He knows what I mean.
You couldn't cut through a cup of tapioca with this.
Somebody sharpen these damn scalpels before they're sterilized.
I'll get on it, sir.
- Rake retractor.
- What's that? A long thing with two prongs and a hook on it.
Hurry up.
- Long thing.
Hook on it.
Two prongs - Come on.
Come on.
You want a can opener? - Get with it, will ya? - What do you want from me? I'm not qualified to be a cook, and they got me doing this nurse stuff.
Okay, boys, let's cool down.
Hell, World War II I once spent three weeks in a field hospital without a nurse in sight.
No reason we can't last a few days.
You apply yourselves, and you'll be amazed at what we can do without 'em.
Sir, the Chinese have pulled back.
The nurses will be here tonight.
Thank God.
Boy, am I glad to see you.
Don't go away like that again.
We missed you.
- We missed you.
And we had this great idea.
- Who had a great idea? - Kellye had this great idea.
- It's fantastic.
You're gonna love it.
You know those crummy old records in the jukebox? Do I? We hold the record for old records.
I traded 'em in at the evac for brand new ones.
We've got Doris Day, Frankie Laine, Johnny Ray - Patti Page.
- Patti Page.
We're throwing ourselves a welcome home party at the Officers Club.
You guys are invited, 'cause we're sick of dancin' with each other.
Listen.
We've got jitterbug, "cheek to cheek" and, especially for Hawkeye, six different Lindies! Kellye, thank you.
God, you're in luck.
I do a great Lindy.
In fact, I taught Lindy everything she knows.
Great.
When we're through doing this, maybe we can dance.
You guys, we're gonna meet at the Officers Club in half an hour.
- The day after tomorrow? - Well, why are you so How could you do this to me? Why are you so worried about one little inspection? I haven't been here in five days.
Couldn't you have postponed it until we got settled? That's the thing.
Colonel Bucholtz wants to see how long it takes you to get settled in after a bugout.
Bucholtz.
She tries to lower your rating if you can't tell a sterile scalpel from an unsterile one by just looking at it.
Well, you better get on it first thing in the morning.
I'd better get on it right now.
Hold it.
Hold it.
We got patients in post-op and we have an inspection the day after tomorrow.
I want the nurses to meet me in the O.
R.
In 10 minutes.
So sick and tired How could they do all this in just five days? Get to work.
I'll be right back.
Cover yourself up.
I'm coming in.
- Oh, good.
You're in bed.
Get a good night's sleep.
- Thank you.
Can I tuck you in, read you a story, get you a glass of hot milk? No.
I'm fine, thanks.
Everything okay with you? The O.
R.
Is in a shambles! There are instruments covered with plaster.
The door to the autoclave is hanging on a hinge.
All the equipment is mislabeled, mismatched or just plain missing.
Thanks to you doctors, I'm going to get thrown out of the army because I don't know where my own equipment is.
Now calm down, Margaret.
If we messed up a bit, then it's only fair that we help you tidy it up again.
Me and the other doctors will be there tomorrow morning at 8:30 sharp.
- 7:00.
- 7:00 is better.
Major, what is that down there? That is a floor.
Which, astonishingly enough, I am sweeping.
That plaster will not come off with a broom.
It has to be scraped off with a razor.
Winchesters do not shave floors.
Do Winchesters heal quickly? - Webster.
- Hmm? Track down everything on this list and put it where it belongs.
Right, Major.
I think this thing goes on there.
Then where does this thing go? - Maybe that's just sort of extra.
- Wh Does anyone know where the vascular clamps are? Yeah.
They're in a box of things you can't swallow.
Oh.
It's gonna take me a long time to learn this system.
Whoa, Hawkeye.
Can I read the label on that box? "Surgical stuff and purple things"? Oh, great.
What? I can't help it.
Whenever I look at you, I hear that song.
And by some incredible coincidence, that very song is in the jukebox tonight.
Great.
Hope we can hear it from over here.
I was kinda hoping you'd be over there.
I have a cheek with your cheek's name on it.
We're never gonna get out of here until we put away all the surgical stuff and purple things.
Right.
I'm cooking hemostats.
Some moron broke the autoclave.
Whenever I look at you, I hear that song.
- And by some incredible coincidence, that very record - Tell me after work, okay? I have a cheek with your cheek's name on it.
What am I doing wrong? It's the songs.
The songs.
- They don't sound sincere enough.
- I thought they were kind of cute.
Maybe if I said something simple like - "Why don't you and I dance the night away?" - That would work on me.
Okay.
Great.
I'll try that.
I understand you're the one who broke the door on the autoclave.
Why don't we call the autoclave club? I don't have time for jokes.
Just fix it.
I haven't got time either.
I gotta get home and put my tux under the mattress.
Okay.
Okay.
I'll make you a deal.
- I fix the autoclave.
I go.
- Fine.
Fine.
Fine.
Very simple.
The hinge is bent.
That's all.
Takes three seconds.
One, two, three Oh, I don't believe this.
I lost an earring in the bugout.
- Here, take mine.
- Thanks.
Aren't you going to wear them? - I'm not going tonight.
- What are you talking about? I'm tired.
I'm going to sleep.
What's the matter? You feel kind ofbeat? Yeah.
Sort of sick and tired.
I need some volunteers.
Oh, Major, we kind of thought we were finished.
There is an inch of dust on top of the doors to the O.
R.
- On top of the doors? - That is the first place Bucholtz will run her white glove.
- We were up all night.
- So was I.
So was I.
I don't push anybody harder than I push myself.
- Who's going to do this? - I'll do it, Major.
Doors, window sills, the supports under the operating tables.
It's all there.
As soon as we're through with this, I am going to sleep.
I advise you all to do the same.
'Cause I want you on your toes tomorrow.
Come on.
Let's go.
Are you still working on that? Oh, hi.
Is Truman still president? You know what you're doing wrong.
You're using the wrong flange.
- You gotta use the one with the cam on it.
- The wrong flange.
The flange with the cam fits in the groove with the tube.
The "cange" of the "flam" in the groove of the tube.
You know, the trouble with machinery is that charm doesn't work on it.
I'll do it.
You go to the Officers Club.
Kellye, you're terrific.
See ya over there.
Buy you a drink, okay? Okay.
Gee.
Hi.
If you're not busy later, I thought maybe you and I could drag our feet together.
I'd love to, Captain.
But she asked me first.
A beer and a rat-poison chaser, please.
So, uh, you wouldn't wanna dance or anything? Ooh, geez, that's bad.
- Didn't take me any time at all.
- Huh? - The autoclave.
I fixed it in no time.
- Oh, great.
Boy, I really admire you.
So, uh, listen.
You wouldn't want to dance or anything? - Hey, yeah.
That's a great idea.
- Yeah? Whoo! - So why don't I buy you that drink now? - Yeah.
Sure.
Great.
What would you like? I don't know.
I'm not a big drinker.
Something light, I guess.
- You want another scotch on the rocks? - That'll be fine.
Well, where'd you learn to Lindy? Oh, I taught myself.
Actually, I do the same step to everything.
I love to dance.
I learned from my brother.
He's a great dancer.
We used to practice all the time in the backyard.
We'd put the radio on an extra-long extension cord and go out behind this big fence so his friends wouldn't see him dancing with his little sister.
- Is this how you keep all your charts? - Oh, yes, Colonel.
I follow the manual to the letter.
As a matter of fact - I'd like to see your emergency trays.
- Right this way, Colonel.
Colonel.
I've inspected the O.
R.
Did you inspect the tops of the doors? Uh, sorry, Colonel.
I forgot.
Then you're saying you haven't inspected the O.
R.
I guess not, Colonel.
Right this way, Colonel.
Is this how you always keep your emergency trays? Yes, Colonel.
As I was saying, I follow the manual as if it were my bible.
Major, I can see that everything is according to manual.
Do you have some rule that says you can't do better than that? She's really something.
- Think we should call the morgue and see if a corpse is missing? - Shh.
Oh, right.
There's an inspection going on.
Try not to look so sick.
Maybe we should rearrange the patients so all their wounds are lined up.
- Quiet.
- Oh, right.
Yeah.
Shh.
- Colonel Bucholtz is a real peach, isn't she? - With steel wool for fuzz.
What is this, you only kid around with guys with big feet and cheesy mustaches? Looks that way.
- What's the matter? Is something wrong? - Not with me there isn't.
Could I see you outside, please? - What's going on with you? - Does it matter? If you're upset with me, I want to know why.
- Because I don't think I've done anything to you.
- You can say that again.
Exactly what is your problem? What's my problem? All right.
I'll tell you.
It's you, pal.
When you're with Lacey, it's, "Hey, good lookin'.
" With Webster, she's unforgettable.
And me you treat like a rag mop.
- Rag mop? - That's right.
R-a-g-g-m-o-p-p.
Ragg mopp.
- What are you talking about? - I'm talking about how when the slow music comes on you suddenly need a drink like you're afraid you're gonna have to put your arms around me.
And then when I try to talk to you your eyes are on every nurse in the room but me.
Is that what this is about, that I was a little distracted last night? It's not just last night.
You've been like that ever since I got here And you weren't distracted.
You've been avoiding me like I was Typhoid Mary.
Sorry.
I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.
It's just that I never saw you, you know, in that way.
You never saw me, period.
And why? Just because I'm not 5'9" and slinky with long blond hair and a perky little nose that would fit in a bottle cap.
It's not that I don't think you're a terrific person You haven't the faintest idea how terrific I am.
For your information, I happen to have a fantastic sense of humor a bubbly personality, and I am warm and sensitive like you wouldn't believe.
I also sing and play the guitar, and I'm learning to tap-dance.
And on top of all that, I happen to be cute as hell.
Just a minute, Lieutenant.
What is this racket? - I'm being inspected in there.
- So am I, in here.
You two are supposed to be working together.
I'm being rated on nurse-doctor relationships and you're in here screeching at each other like two alley cats.
I'm sorry, Major.
You.
Paste a look of cooperation on your face or I'll paste one on you.
- Something wrong, Major? - No.
Not at all.
They were just discussing a medical procedure.
Weren't you, Doctor? Oh, yes.
Right.
Yes.
Yes.
Thank you, Lieutenant.
That was an excellent idea.
I think you're right.
We should definitely run a hemoglobin on that patient.
- Well, it was just a thought, Doctor.
- And a darn good one too.
Would you two kids mind not dripping syrup on my patient? - All done, Colonel.
- All right, Lieutenant.
The supply room is next.
This time, see if you can do it in one trip.
Excuse us.
Right this way.
Show Lieutenant Geyer to the supply room and take notes of anything he finds that's substandard and report back to me.
Everyone is working on the late shift tonight.
- There are a number of things I want to work on in here.
- Right, Major.
This way, Lieutenant.
I'll need to ask you to open a few boxes for me.
I have to check to see if the right pills are in the right bottles.
I wouldn't be surprised if she asked you to check the cotton for lint.
Margaret, do you know what exactly goes into green gravy? What is wrong, Margaret? Would you like me to dust under my vegetables? - What? - You're staring at my tray.
I did everything I could to make things perfect, and she still wants more.
From where I sit, perfection isn't all it's cracked up to be.
What's that supposed to mean? Having spent the day as a nurse, it seems to me to be a full-time job just being good.
- Are you telling me I work my nurses too hard? - If he's not, I will.
I don't ask them to work any harder than I do.
Bucholtz doesn't ask you to work any harder than she does.
Look how it makes you feel.
Hunnicutt, the problem is not with me.
It's Bucholtz.
Please, just let me eat in peace.
I know we have to have inspections once in a while, but the tops of doors? There's no pleasing Bucholtz.
She's never satisfied.
That woman is driving me nuts.
- She's almost as bad as Houlihan.
- Yeah.
That's for sure.
Sandler's blood pressure's dropping.
He was in such bad shape when he got here, I'm surprised he's lasted this long.
All we can do is keep him on the IV - and let him be as comfortable as possible.
- Okay.
- Where are you? - Shh.
It's okay.
I'm here.
- Sarah? - Yeah.
It's It's Sarah.
I'm I'm here.
Do you feel me holding your hand? I'm scared.
Don't leave.
It's okay.
I'm here.
I'm not going anywhere.
I feel awful.
Don't think about that.
Just think about the good stuff like all the things we'll do when you get better like, uh we could go for a ride in the car.
We could have a picnic maybe.
By the creek.
Sure.
We'll spread out a blanket and we'll sit by the water and I'll make us something to eat.
Yeah.
I'll make fried chicken.
Oh, no.
No, not your fried chicken.
It's horrible.
I forgot you don't like it.
We'll make sandwiches.
Bologna with mustard on white bread? Sure.
Sure.
Do you feel better? Yeah.
Yeah, I do.
I'm writing up my report tonight, and it'll be filed in "I"Corps in the morning.
You should be hearing something in the next few days.
I hope you found us satisfactory, Colonel.
- You have my notes on the supply room.
- Yes.
If you want to overhaul it tonight, I'll reinspect it in the morning.
Thank you, Colonel.
I'll think about that.
I like a good, tough inspection.
Sharpens everybody up.
Well, I've certainly learned a lot from this one.
Yes? Good.
Then I'll see you in the morning.
I get up at 0500.
Good night, Colonel.
Uh, Major? I'm going over to recatalog the equipment in the supply room now.
Do you want me to rearrange the shelving too? I'll tell you what I want you to do.
I want you to take the night off and get some rest.
- You do? - Mm-hmm.
- And have some fun.
- No kidding? Thanks, Major.
- Hi.
- Well, look at you.
- Sorry.
She's not here.
- Who? - Whoever you came to see.
- I came to see you.
Is that so? You were right.
I really wasn't seeing you.
Actually, you're everything you said you were.
Well, thanks.
That's nice.
I brought these for you.
Oh, thank you.
- Can I come in for a minute? - Well, gee.
- Hmm.
- I mean, unless it's a problem.
Well, no.
Hmm.
Hi.
Ah.
Oh.
Right.
- Want your flowers back? - Uh, no, no, no.
- You two kids have a good time.
- Okay.
See you later.
- What's the occasion? - Graduation day.
I just got an education.
Did you? So did I.
What was yours? What was yours? - Yeah, you're right.
It's none of my business.
- Um How's your Lindy? - How's yours? - Perfect.
But I can take it down a little.
Two more beers.
Hi.
- You okay? - Fine.
This wouldn't by any chance be your rating from Colonel Bucholtz, would it? I really don't know, and I couldn't care less.
- Aren't you going to open it? - If it's such a big deal to you, you open it.
You don't even have to tell me.
I failed.
Well, I did everything I could.
I'd do the same thing all over again.
There's no reason to put myself and everybody else through hell to satisfy some crazy notion that good is never good enough.
So you can just put it away.
I know what it says.
- What does it say? - You and your nurses were found to be satisfactory.
- Satisfactory? - That good enough? You bet your life that's good enough.
I would have killed myself for her, and she wouldn't have given me a better rating.
This way, I did my best, I passed, and I get to live to enjoy it.
Good for you, Margaret.
- Good for you.
- Thanks, B.
J.
- Bottoms up.
- Later.
I paid a nickel for this song.
Well, she threw