Mock the Week (2005) s11e01 Episode Script

1 Read about the things that happen throughout the world Don't believe in everything you see or hear Read all about it Read all about it News of the world This programme contains some strong language CHEERING Hello and welcome to a brand-new series of Mock The Week.
I'm Dara O Briain.
Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Nathan Caton and Micky Flanagan, Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Greg Davies.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome.
This is good fun, I like this.
We start with a round called Headliners.
Here's a picture of the Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, and the German Chancellor, Angela Merkel.
But what does O.
B.
E.
C stand for? Is it a list of people for whom Osborne writes his budgets? Is it Oligarchs, Billionaires, Etonians and Conglomerates? - APPLAUSE See? - Nice.
Is it, in fact, Old Berliner Eats Chin? Is Merkel going, "Oh, bubblegum is extra chewy? Mmm!" This is clearly Opulent Bellend Enjoys Coffee.
APPLAUSE Osborne Bangs Euro Cutie.
We're off.
Is Merkel saying HE SPEAKS GERMAN Now, let me just check if that's correct.
That's actually the correct answer.
Is it a Spanish comment on what's happening in their country? Is it SPANISH ACCENT: Oh, blimey, ees catastrophe? What was that? Can we move off the foreign voices? Could we have a correct answer? - Yes.
Merkel is saying - HE SPEAKS GERMAN No, no, that's not the correct answer.
Can someone genuinely give me the correct answer so I can move on with my life? Is it? HE SPEAKS GERMAN No, no, it's not.
Merkel's saying HE SPEAKS GERMAN - Stop saying German things! - Is it, Osborne Believes He Is Elvis' Child? There is an answer to this.
There is a correct answer.
How about a compromise? What if we give you the right answer but in a German accent? - Is it, Osborne Blames European Crisis? - It is of course.
Thank you very much, Chris Addison.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yes, the answer I was looking for was Osborne Blames European Crisis.
This is the news that Chancellor George Osborne believes the current crisis within the EU is killing off Britain's chances of an economic recovery.
This comes in a week in which Europe agreed to a bail-out of up to 100 billion euros for Spanish banks.
Spain is now the fourth European country to be bailed out, following Portugal, Greece and Ireland.
They've given the Spanish banks 100 billion euros.
I don't think you should be giving Spanish banks 100 billion euros.
Not given the number of British bank robbers currently living in Spain.
That is a mistake, isn't it? It's not going to arrive in one van! A lot of it is going to a bank called Bankia, isn't it? It sounds like a bank from a children's programme, doesn't it? It is difficult to take the economies of countries seriously where the word bank is written as banco! It is generally easier to think they probably don't do, "Hey, el banco! "Banco, banco, banco! Banco, banco, banco!" - This accent's all right, is it, Dara? - It's fine.
- A fine accent! APPLAUSE - I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
- To be honest, Dara, you've been doing a ridiculous accent since the beginning of the series.
But, Dara, it does help when you go on holiday there, doesn't it? Because even someone like me, I walk along and go, "Supermercado.
"I bet that's a supermarket.
"Banco - that'll be the bank.
"Baro.
Bar.
" You've got half a chance.
Have you been to Japan? Nothing.
They give you nothing.
You walk about, you don't know what you're doing.
I was in the bank the other day - this is absolutely true - a man had a shit on the floor.
It was the most shocking thing I've ever seen in my life.
That is one hell of a deposit that he has made that day.
APPLAUSE He probably normally does all of his banking on the internet but he couldn't log on on that day.
GROANS AND APPLAUSE The Spanish haven't had any strings attached - to their bail-out, have they? - That was the big problem, yes.
In Spain, they're going, "Well, how is it possible? "We can't work any harder.
"We already wake up twice a day.
" It's quite open-ended.
Whereas the other previous ones, like the Irish one, for example, they want us to pay it back.
- Crazy! The Greek one - The Greeks are really angry.
Really angry.
They're building a horse and everything.
What has Osborne hinted at, by the way, with regard to Europe? - He might be gay.
- No.
He hinted that he's gay? LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH I will say it again.
Yes, I will say it again.
As you said, oddly enough, there is a link Wait, I have to do it without him going, "He might be gay.
" What has George Osborne recently hinted at, that eight out of ten Britons apparently agree with? - That he might be gay.
- No.
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH There is, oddly enough, a link between pasties and failing banks.
In the sense that when you open them up, you've no idea what you're going to find inside.
I do like how Osborne is using any tactic to blame everyone else and not himself.
He is technically like the white middle-class equivalent of the singer Shaggy.
You know? - AS SHAGGY: - "It wasn't me.
" - He threatened a referendum.
- He threatened a referendum? He literally threatened a referendum.
What happens, though, Dara - you know about this - if we leave? - If you leave? - Say we go, "Right, that's it, "we don't want nothing to do with you any more.
"We've tried with you people "but you don't know how to look after your money.
"You're all irresponsible.
You spend all day long swimming about.
" Hang on, swimming about? You Europeansconstantly just How can you let people vote on something when they don't know what they're doing? That's what happens at general elections.
APPLAUSE - We should - I like the direction this show is taking.
Don't give us the chance to vote on anything.
We just voted a dog as the greatest talent in this country.
We are not a responsible nation.
It could walk on its hind legs! We would vote in a pineapple with a face drawn on it cos it looks funny.
You mean like Boris Johnson, essentially.
We voted him in for a joke.
You handed over control of the world's fifth-largest city to a guy with funny hair.
"Flub-a-lub.
Flub-a-lub-a-lub.
" "You keep doing the flub-a-lub thing, we love that! "We love when you do the flub-a-lub thing!" APPLAUSE They're saying he's done so well, Boris Johnson, now that he's back as mayor, - he should become the next Prime Minister of Britain.
- That's the thing.
But he was actually born in America so he's eligible to become the next President of the United States.
DARA GASPS Which would be my preference! Imagine that.
The leader of the free world, the most powerful man in the world, cut to a picture of a fat scarecrow on a bike.
It would be fantastic, wouldn't it? APPLAUSE At the end of that round, the points go to Greg, Hugh and Chris.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Now we play a round called Angela Smerkel's Comedy Bail-Out.
This game involves Nathan, Chris and Andy, so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
This is a stand-up challenge.
I launch the wheel of news and wherever it stops, one of our performers must talk about that subject.
The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.
OK, here we go.
The first subject is .
.
finance.
Can I have somebody to talk on that? Andy.
So you can argue a lot of people have got too much money, couldn't you? I would personally argue anybody who ever bought the autobiography of the talking meerkat Aleksandr Orlov, you have too much money.
Anybody who has ever bought glow-in-the-dark loo roll, you have too much money.
Anybody who's ever bought a cosy sofa blanket with sleeves called a slanket You know who you are.
Also anybody who's ever bought an Innocent smoothie.
How expensive are they? £2.
49 for a bottle the size of a specimen sample .
.
and they have the cheek to call them Innocent.
Ladies and gentlemen, go to a supermarket, buy yourself a banana.
It will cost you 20 pence.
Take a big bite, go .
.
and you will have saved yourself £2.
49.
APPLAUSE Well done, Andy Parsons.
OK, let's spin the wheel again.
The subject is health.
Who wants to come in on that? Right, health.
I actually don't have that good a relationship with my GP.
For one reason, and one reason only.
Up until the age of 17, my GP had me on his records as a woman.
They had me on their records as Miss N Caton.
One day, they sent me a letter in the post, addressed to Miss N Caton.
Now, cos I'm 17, I don't really pay attention to the detail.
I open the letter and the letter says, "Dear Miss N Caton, "your doctor's surgery would like to invite you to attend a cervical screening next Monday at 9am.
" This is where I messed up.
See, at 17, I knew what "cervical" was.
That's obvious.
But what I didn't know was that there's more than one meaning for the word "screening".
APPLAUSE I thought screening was like, you know, you're screening a film.
So when it said, "We would like to invite you to attend a cervical screening" .
.
in my ignorant, naive, 17-year-old brain, I honestly thought I had been invited to watch a movie about women's genitalia.
I'm 17, I'm horny, I'm a virgin.
Am I going to go? You're damn right I am.
So next Monday morning, I go to my GP, I get to the reception, it's full of women - doesn't put me off - walk up to the receptionist, go, "Hey, how you doing? "I'm Nathan Caton, I'm here for the cervical screening.
" She looks up, sees me standing there with nachos, popcorn and pic 'n' mix .
.
starts laughing in my face.
Thank you.
APPLAUSE OK, that leaves me with Chris.
Let's see what you've been left with.
Let's spin the wheel.
The topic is relaxation.
We're obsessed in this country, obsessed, with relaxation.
Currently, Waitrose, in their "essential" range, sell Waitrose "essential" lavender-scented candles.
Because we've all been there, haven't we, ladies and gentlemen? "There are no lavender candles in the house, darling! "How am I to have a petal-strewn bath with my whale noise CD?" Whale noise CDs? We are gullible bastards.
We will buy anything so long as we've been told it's relaxing.
Whale noises? HE BELLOWS "Are you relaxed?" "I've never been more at peace.
" HE BELLOWS I saw a CD once called Relax With Pure Scottish Moods.
- ANGRY SCOTTISH ACCENT: - Relax With Pure Scottish Moods! Relax! Track one - bit chippy.
Track two - slightly resent you in the country in the first place.
Track three - get out, you bastards! APPLAUSE Very good.
Well done.
A point to Chris.
Congratulations.
Our next round is called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question? On the board are six categories.
- Nathan, which category would you like? - Home news, please.
OK, your category is home news.
The answer is What is the question? Is it, if you're going to make a sex tape on public transport, what three things do you need? What three flavours come through when you're tasting English wine? Is it, according to the coalition agreement, what three things do the Lib Dems have responsibility for? Is itname three things I've left my umbrella in? Is it, three things you're probably best off not to lick clean? Is it, what is the name of Thomas the Tank Engine's no-holds-barred autobiography? Is it what Peter Andre says when he's asked what his daily routine is? - HIGH-PITCHED: - "I trains, I toilets and I celebrities.
" Is it? High-pitched, but not Australian any more.
"I trains, I toilets, I celebrities.
" "I went to a voice coach to get rid of my Australian accent "and I can't help thinking she's done something wrong.
" "I've been over in this country for a while "so I sometimes slip into both fucking accents, Chris.
" APPLAUSE I trains cos of my six-pack.
I get it.
I get it! I toilets so I don't mess my jeans up.
And I celebrities, making the money for the kids.
APPLAUSE Does anyone have another answer? What do we do better than Morocco? - OK.
Can we have the correct answer, please? - I think I've got it.
- Oh! That is not the build-up to the correct answer, but go on.
Is it, name three things I've puked up on at the Edinburgh Festival? APPLAUSE I know the answer, Dara.
- Chris, do you know the answer? - I'll give you the real answer, Dara.
Will you give me the real answer? What are the three main talking points on a Saga holiday? Is it three things that are full of shit? I'm on the Peter Andre thing.
- AS PETER: - You liked that, didn't you, Dara? I did like that.
"Where it makes the money for the children," that's the bit that got me.
- AS PETER: - Is it? - No.
What three things were most complained about at the Queen's Jubilee? - If you can do that in a proper voice - OK.
- GERMAN ACCENT: - What three things were most complained about? - No.
APPLAUSE - NORMAL VOICE: - What three things were most complained about at the Queen's Jubilee? Very good.
Thank you very much, Chris Addison.
APPLAUSE Yes, the question I was looking for was, what aspects of the Queen's Jubilee celebrations drew criticism from the press? Although the weekend was considered a success, there were complaints the train system was unable to cope with the vast crowds, raising concerns about the Olympics.
The lack of toilets provided was also criticised, alongside the BBC's celebrity-heavy coverage of the event.
Did you watch the various events? The coverage was criticised for looking less like a royal occasion and more like The One Show but that is what the Queen calls it.
- AS THE QUEEN: - It's The One Show! It was an excuse for a bit of a knees-up.
It was one of those weekends where you get so munted Saturday, Sunday, Monday, you phone up work saying you can't come in Tuesday, forgetting that's a bank holiday as well.
Nine months from now, I bet you anything "flotilla" will be the most popular girl's name.
They tried to pick on the people who had to do a lot of it.
- There was a woman in Tower Bridge - In it, or on it? - In it, - in the control room at Tower Bridge.
- Oh, OK.
- Just before the guy pressed the button to make the thing go up like that, she said, "So is it going to work?" And the guy looked at her like, of course it's going to work! Stop trying to introduce a note of peril.
"Are you sure it's going to work?" Like suddenly it's an action movie.
"Oh, Jesus, the bridge is stuck! Quick!" They all run down.
He's wedging things.
"She's coming, she's coming!" As if there's a danger the Queen's boat is going to come along And then the Queen's running away All the thrones get pushed back towards the back of the boat.
"Aaagh!" Yes, it's going to work! There were some good bits, though.
My favourite bit was the concert, seeing Rolf Harris.
I don't know if you saw him, he had on a white jacket.
It was funny, cos I was watching it with my brother, who's 16, and he doesn't know who Rolf Harris is.
So he sees a white guy in a white jacket, white hair, white beard and glasses, and he goes, "Hey, blud, "why is the KFC Colonel at the concert?" Was it not a bit strange that they built that really elaborate, beautiful rowboat called The Gloriana for the Queen and yet Was it just me who thought, "It's a bit weird she's not on it?" The only person who was on it was Clare Balding.
There's thousands of foreign tourists who think that Clare Balding is the Queen.
- AMERICAN ACCENT: - "I saw the British Queen the other day.
"Looks like she can handle herself in a pub fight.
" APPLAUSE All the Americans said happy birthday to her, was that a? Grace Jones, who had a hula hoop for the last randomly walks out hula hooping.
"Slave to the rhythm.
" That was the weirdest thing! I genuinely thought, "Am I the only one seeing this?" "Slave to the rhythm.
" - Who booked Grace Jones? - She wasn't hula hooping.
She'd been imprisoned by the elders of Krypton.
You've got to be very careful.
I learned from Twitter, you've got to be very careful.
On the night of the concert, I had the temerity at one stage - cos there was an Ireland football match on at the same time, and Twitter's a global media - and I was going, "Oh, this is the score at the moment," for loads of Irish people, and loads of people tweeted me going, "Nobody cares! #Jubilee.
" Like I walked onto the stage and went, "Yeah, yeah, Rolf, put a sock in it.
It's 0-0.
" And then walked off.
And in a year when we've had such a campaign against knife crime, we have Tom Jones going I felt the knife in my hand And she laughed no more.
Why is the weather making headlines? Cos the weather outside is frightful.
Although the fire inside is delightful.
Since there's no place to go Basically, they've had some problems with caravans, haven't they? That is putting it mildly.
"They have had some problems with caravans.
" The thing about caravans is, you can actually move them! There was a static caravan park I felt particularly bad for.
"Hello, I'd like to complain about my static caravan.
" "What seems to be the problem?" "I'll tell you what the problem is - it's not quite as static as I was led to believe.
" Do you think George Osborne is somewhere, going, "If the VAT doesn't get you, the weather will.
" LAUGHS EVILLY - That was in Wales, right? - That was in Wales.
I saw an interview online and they interviewed some woman who was on one of those sailboat things.
They were having their honeymoon and it got destroyed.
She said, "Oh, it's a disaster.
It's a disaster.
" All I could think was, "If you're married to a man who's taken you on a honeymoon "to Wales to spend time in a caravan, "it's already a bloody disaster.
" Literally, insult to injury being added there.
If you're watching the show, just to cheer up, sorry about that.
I just wonder with the hosepipe ban, do people ring up going, "Am I still allowed to use it to tether myself to a rock, "so I don't get washed away by the flood? "Does that break the rules of the hosepipe ban?" In Littlehampton, where did they put the flood victims? They put them in the local swimming baths overnight.
I mean, that's just taking the piss, isn't it? It would be like putting earthquake victims in a bouncy castle.
The person I blame is the guy who was interviewed two months ago when there was two weeks of rain, and they said, "Well, surely the drought is over now?" He went, "Oh, no, no, no.
You need another six weeks of rain to deal with the drought.
" Well, we've got it! Happy now? And the points go to Greg, Hugh and Chris.
Justice! Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See, so if everyone can make their way to the performance area, I'll read out this week's topics and we'll see what our panels come up with.
The first subject is Unlikely things to hear at an awards ceremony.
And the winner isDara O'Briain! And the award for driver of the year goes to David Cameron for his perfectly executed U-turns.
Welcome to the National Insincerity Awards, and can I say what a pleasure it is to be here.
And soap of the year goes to doof-doof, doof-doof, doo-doo, doo-doo, Coronation Street.
Would you please welcome your host for the night - Dec.
And the award for best actress this evening goes to John Travolta's wife.
Father of the year is David Cameron! And, predictably, for the 50th year running, the rear of the year has been won by the same man.
Come on up, Chris.
It's a Chris Rea joke.
And the award for best film - cling, clingfilm.
Oh! Oh, that was all right, was it? - That's bullshit, Dara.
- It's all politics, man.
This is the point in the psychic awards when we like to remember those we lost next year.
Well, they said it was ill-advised, but welcome to the first witness protection scheme awards.
And the award for most cleavage on view goes to Eamonn Holmes' arse.
Well, now our final category - category C.
There are three sex offenders nominated tonight.
And I'd just like to say to the wife at home, you'd better not be there when get home, sister, cos I'm big time now.
And the best posthumously-released rap record goes to Kim Jong for "I Told You I Was Ill".
Too late.
Too late.
And to present best film in a foreign language, would you please welcome Nick Griffin.
And the winner of rear of the year goes to Chris Rea! LOUD CHEERING Our next topic is unlikely lines from a thriller.
What more evidence do you need that there is a mole? Look at the lawn! Your wife's head in a box.
You must be the most unlucky contestant ever on Deal Or No Deal.
What colour wire do I have to cut? The lilac, the mauve, the salmon pink or the fuchsia? I want to make you a vodka Martini.
You can't handle vermouth.
"Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?" she purred.
"Yes, it is a gun in my pocket and I've just shot my cock off.
" I'm telling you, there will be no attack.
This is a side picked by Roy Hodgson.
So, Mr Bond, we meet Aargh! Flipping cat! I'm telling you, Captain, I work best alone.
Or sometimes in a team.
Basically, I'm saying I'm flexible.
So, Mr Bond, we meet at last.
Why didn't we ever Skype? I would like to gently lift your horse's foot.
You can't handle the hoof! That's human liver with fava beans and a nice Chianti, but the entertainment was excellent and he was an lovely host, so I'm going to give Hannibal seven out of ten.
"Here's Johnny!" "Do you mind? I'm trying to have a shit in here.
" "This prostitute isn't dead," said the Norwegian detective.
"She's just pining for the fjords.
" As his eyes gradually became accustomed to the shadowy darkness, he realised he was not alone in that room.
GASPS "Who is it?" - SQUEAKY VOICE: - "It's me, Peter Andre!" OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Greg, Hugh and Chris! And that's the end of the show.
This week's winners - Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Greg Davies.
Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Nathan Caton and Micky Flanagan.
Thank you for watching.
I'm Dara O Briain.
Goodnight.
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