My Family (2000) s11e01 Episode Script

Michael, what the hell is going on? I can hear gunshots, sirens and agonised screams! Well, how is this possible? Your mother's not home yet.
Sorry, it's my new game.
I'll turn it down.
Oh, don't let me put you out, Mikey, please.
And as you're in a house you don't live in, playing on a TV you don't own, can I offer you a drink you didn't actually pay for? No, thanks.
Scott and I are in the middle of a game.
Scott's not here, Mikey.
He's playing the same game over at our place.
-Oh, yeah? -We wanted to try multiplayer, so I bought another copy -and brought it over here.
-(WHISTLES) -That's his avatar right there.
-Oh, my, that is What's an avatar? It's his virtual self.
So we can interact without being in the same room.
Must get your mother one of those.
'Hell Squad 7 ' It's the most realistic war simulation game ever.
They did six years of research capturing every part of military and combat life.
The detail is amazing.
(EXPLOSION) The screen just went white.
What's that mean? You're dead? No, it means I was busted for oversleeping and now I'm cleaning toilets.
War is hell, Son.
War is hell.
-Mind you, you should try marriage.
-Hmm? (MOUTHING) In 25 years of dentistry, 25 years, that has to be the worst day ever! Do you know what Cavitex has got us doing now? Do you know what they've got us doing? Time cards! Yes.
Time cards.
It's all right.
I already have a glass of wine.
They're not for you.
-Silly me.
-Yep.
Every minute of the day has to be accounted for.
They've even limited our toilet breaks to 20 minutes.
What takes you longer than 20 minutes? That's beside the point.
I like doing the crossword.
''Max's Magic Pickle?" That's a bit heavy going for you, isn't it? For your information, your wife is about to appear on TV.
(GASPING) Crimewatch.
Not yet.
-Children's presenter.
-(EXCLAIMING) No! -Hmm.
-Yeah? I've been reading books to children at the library.
-Yeah.
-One of the mothers heard me.
-Mmm-hmm.
-Turns out she's a TV producer No.
How much does it pay? -Can I tell the story my way, please? -Yeah.
Sorry.
Fine.
Carry on.
So she spotted my natural talent -Yeah.
-And said I would be a perfect host -for her new kid's breakfast show.
-How much does it pay? -I don't know and I don't care.
-No, no, sorry.
I'll have my own dressing room, free travel and a puppet sidekick, which, after living with you for But how much does it Never mind.
Look, look.
If this job of yours makes us rich I can kiss those Cavitex cretins goodbye.
Ben, I know it's no fun when you think the world is against you, but it's worse hearing you whinging about it.
No, no, no, it's not just me.
It's all the other dentists.
They can't stand Cavitex and their slimeball-in-chief Mr Griffith.
Can we skip the moaning and get to the part where you do nothing about it? Ah-ha.
For your information, Susan, I have organised a meeting of the south-east representatives.
Yes.
We're gonna meet tomorrow to discuss what action we should take.
You really take your toilet breaks seriously.
Oh, yeah.
Now, I don't know about you lot, but this is affecting my life very negatively.
I can't sleep.
I can't eat.
I mean, this is impacting on me and my entire family.
I think we've established you're not happy about the toilet breaks.
I'd like to see representatives throughout the Greater London area.
I myself will be representing Hounslow.
What am I doing, Ben? Who wants coffee? The strength of this organisation lies in the individual dentist and assembled in this room are the best and the brightest.
-(ROGER LAUGHING) -Now, technically he's not in the room.
Individually, we're just cogs in a corporate machine, but together, friends, we represent real power.
The kind of power that makes a corporation like Cavitex tremble.
Huh? (CRASHING) Oh! This is the thin end of the wedge.
Only the beginning.
What next? Cutting overtime? Slashing holidays? You know, we have been squeezed like a tube of toothpaste.
(LAUGHING) That's very clever.
Because we are dentists and we use toothpaste.
We're not gonna stand for it any more, are we? -No! -No! We're with you, Ben.
We're not doormats that can be stepped on.
-Shut up, Roger.
-Sorry.
Yes.
But it's time for action, friends.
Tonight the executive board is meeting and I suggest we crush that meeting, demand better treatment, or we'll go on strike! -Yeah! -Yeah! We're sick and tired of being pushed around.
Yes! Sorry.
I thought we'd all be shouting there.
So, it's all agreed.
Tonight we crash that meeting and take the suits to the cleaners.
Yes! (PHONE RINGING) That is very funny, too, because you do take suits to the cleaners.
Sorry about this.
Hello, Mr Griffith.
(ALL GROANING WITH DISLIKE) Oh, really? You want to see me today? Oh.
I'm afraid I'm very busy.
It'll have to wait.
Yeah, of course.
Yes, I'll I'lljust check my diary.
(CHUCKLING) Yeah, I can be with you right away.
Yes.
But I demand to know what it's all about.
Uh, okay.
Yeah, sure.
Yeah, you can tell me when I get there.
It'll be fine.
Yeah, I'll see you in an hour.
No, no.
Ten minutes? Yeah.
Okay.
Bye, Mr Griffith.
Yeah, and I'm very sorry but I'm not gonna take this lying down.
No.
None of us are.
We are all together.
Yeah.
Goodbye, sir.
You know, Ben, I can't wait to see you negotiate tonight.
I have got the feeling that he is a natural.
Roger, you've either got it or you haven't.
Sorry, gotta rush.
''Max packed up his magic pickle.
''He knew it would be ready if the world ever needed it again.
'' The end.
Incredible.
That was absolutely incredible, Susan.
Thank you, Darcy.
Thank you.
We were hanging on every word in the control room, weren't we, Barry? -Hello! -Oh, hello.
Who's this? I'm Dickins the chimp.
Knock-knock.
Uh, who's there? -Bananas.
-Bananas who? Who cares? It's bananas.
Let's eat some.
Yum, yum, yum.
Susan, this is Barry.
He'll be playing Dickins the chimp on the show.
-Oh, nice to meet you, Barry.
-Nice to meet you, too.
Oh, you're still in character? No.
I'm me now.
We just need a moment, Barry.
Okay.
Hang on.
I've got a doctor's appointment today.
Can I leave early? Sure.
I'm excited to start work, Darcy.
When's my first episode due to record? Unfortunately, it's not that simple.
There is another candidate.
One of the mums from my son's school was reading.
I thought she was pretty good, too.
Actually here she is right now.
Susan, meet -Janey.
-Mum? Oh.
So you two know each other? Oh, she's my daughter.
Oh.
Right.
So at least someone in the family will be on TV.
Sorry, you mean it's between me and my mum? Yes, but, of course, being family means that there won't be any hard feelings, will there? Uh, Mr Griffith? Hello, Ben.
I take it you've (CLEARING THROAT) heard about our plans.
-About what? -What? -What? -What? Ben, I called you in to offer you a promotion.
We have an opening for a senior personnel executive.
I don't think so.
Excuse me.
No, Ben, please.
Just hear me out.
We at head office have been keeping an eye on you.
And you, sir, are a diamond in the rough.
What? Me? You're not only the best dentist we have, but you also have the qualities that set you aside as a leader.
Really? You have the power not only to lead, but to inspire.
Your potential is limitless.
Need I say more? Can't hurt.
This will be your office.
This will be your desk.
Sit down, Ben.
-(WHISTLES) -No.
-Oh! -Oh, try it out.
No, I really No, I You look pretty good behind that desk.
It feels pretty good.
-You've worked hard for this, Ben.
-Yeah.
I have.
-You deserve it.
-I do.
The only thing missing from this table is a photograph of your family.
Or not.
So what do you say, Ben? (EXHALING) I'm just not sure.
Well, your salary will triple, get your own private bathroom, company car, extended holidays.
I see.
What's this? Your pencil sharpener.
Ooh.
So what do you say, Ben? -Well -Excellent.
Welcome to the Cavitex family.
Well, I thought I was already a member of the family.
Yes, I suppose.
Now, take the rest of the day off.
Go and do some shopping.
After all, that clothing allowance won't spend itself.
I'll introduce you to the rest of the team at tonight's board meeting.
Ah.
That's a very funny thing because I I was supposed to crash that board meeting tonight -with a list of the dentists' demands.
-Oh? -Hmm.
-And what demands do they have, Ben? They You know, they've suddenly slipped my mind.
-Don't touch me.
-Okay.
(CHOPPERS WHIRRING ON TV) Mikey! Mikey, Mikey, Mikey! Hey, Dad.
Mikey! Mikey, Mikey, Mikey! Hey, Dad.
Mikey, Mikey, Mikey.
Something on your mind, Dad? Well, as you won't let it drop.
You are looking at the new head of Human Resources for the Cavitex Corporation.
Don't take this the wrong way, but why you of all people? 'Cause Mr Griffith wanted a man not only to lead, but to inspire.
So why didn't he hire that person? Look out, Mikey! Sniper! So, are you and Scott still in the thick of battle? Actually, no.
We broke up.
Really? Oh.
How're you taking it, all right? Fine.
I shot him in the back of the head.
-In the game? -Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Thank God.
Hey-hey! Ho-ho! -So, how'd it go at the TV studio, Mum? -Well Oh, that's how it is.
When it comes to the tinsel and glitter of a puppet show, you're all ears, but when your father becomes a corporate bigwig, you can't even be bothered.
What's he talking about? Cavitex made Dad head of Human Resources.
Really? But he has no resources and he's barely human.
I know, I know.
He's useless.
I'm still standing here, you know.
Or at least I was.
So your audition went well? Very well.
Very well, Michael.
I'm one of two finalists.
Yeah.
Janey dropped by and told me all about it.
Sounds like all the ingredients of a classic mother-daughter catfight.
Michael, please, Janey and I are beyond such things.
We'll support each other in every way.
(PHONE RINGING) Hello? Yes.
Yes, this is Susan Harper.
Oh, you want to move my audition? Just let me get a pen.
So it's Friday instead of Thursday? That's right, Susan, and don't be late.
You wouldn't want to miss out because of a scheduling cock up, now would you? -Janey.
-Not now, Mum.
I'm on the phone.
Janey! Got to go.
Well, if that's the calibre of your performance, I'll sail through.
Like you could do better.
I could.
I could.
I've been reading to kids for years.
I read to Kenzo all the time.
Clothing catalogues don't count.
Forgive me for wanting my son to know the difference a V and crew neck jumper.
All right then.
Why do you think you deserve this so much? -Because I'm good with kids.
-(SARCASTICALLY) Yeah, right.
So where is our own son right now? That's not the point.
And what makes you think you deserve it? Because I have a soothing voice and a calm persona that kids find really relaxing! What are you two shouting about? There he is.
-Nice touch.
You look really powerful.
-Thank you, Roger.
Could you all please take your seats? So, Ben (MOUTHING) And they all lived happily ever after.
The end.
Well, what do you think? I like the monkey.
No, no.
It's not the real one.
I just have it there to capture the mood.
Monkeys are funny.
But how do you think I read the story? Maybe if I had a bit more ice cream.
I've already given you three bowls and the most constructive thing you've said is, ''Monkeys are funny.
'' It's going to take a lot more than that to get bowl number four, young man.
Okay.
Your eyes are darting, your page turns are way too loud, and that non-stop smile, it's really creeping me out.
Do I stop there, or do you want more help? And now I'd like to introduce our new head of Human Resources, Mr Ben Harper.
(BOOING) -Shame, shame.
-May I just say, we have some genuine grievances we would like to see addressed.
We're not going to lie down and let you lot just ride roughshod Please, please, please.
Please, Jonathon.
In Ben's absence, I would like to handle this.
You have a list of our demands.
I would respectfully encourage you to take them seriously.
If you don't, we will walk.
So, please kindly give us what we want, please.
Thank you.
What? What's the matter? Well, I'm unsure how to handle his excessively polite demands.
Ah, yes.
Look, leave him to me.
I'll handle this.
Are you sure, Ben? A few hours ago these people were your friends.
Sure.
Yeah, but then you people gave me shedload of money.
Come on.
Try and keep up.
Tick-tock, people.
Either meet our demands or we strike.
Well, that's pretty big talk coming from a man who sleeps with a teddy bear.
That's not true.
Oh, no, of course.
Two teddy bears now, isn't it? Mr Teddy recently got hitched, yes, but that's irrelevant.
We are here to demand satisfaction.
So what's it going to be? Yes or no? The answer is no! No! No! No! And if you don't like it, you can go on strike! And if you go on strike, we'll lock you out, okay? Go.
Go.
Go on! On your bikes.
Get out! Good riddance.
Go on.
Out.
Out! What? Well, I'm head of Human Resources, aren't I? Can you believe that little ingrate Janey? Roger's pathetic demands are an insult.
Competing against her own mother for a job.
They're getting all they deserve already.
I've given that girl everything.
Can't she give me this one little thing? If these proles think they can get something by this strike, they're mad.
And then trying to trick me into showing up late.
I think we'lljust hire scabs and let them take over.
It's like she's become a different person, you know.
Actually, no.
It's typical Janey.
I mean, its dentistry, not rocket science.
I'm not letting her waltz in, wiggle her bottom, and snatch away something that's rightfully mine.
I can't.
-I won't.
-I won't.
Do you know I'm really glad we can still talk like this, you know? (THUMPING) Su (SPRAYING) Roger, what the hell are you doing? Hello, Ben.
(NERVOUSLY) I was just out for a stroll and I needed to jot down a few thoughts.
In spray paint? On my door? Oh, I'm sorry, Ben.
They sent me over here to vandalise the house.
They what? We just don't understand why you've betrayed us.
Oh, Roger, Roger, Roger.
I can't believe you haven't figured it out yet.
I haven't betrayed you.
-You haven't? -No.
Come on.
I took this job to win their trust so I could report everything back to you guys, you know? I mean, hey, I can do more damage from the inside.
-Now that makes a lot of sense.
-I'm telling you.
You're a true friend, Ben.
Come on.
Come on, Roger.
Let's go in the kitchen, have a cup of cocoa, and tell me all the strategy you dentists have planned.
Like a fish in a barrel.
Okay.
Let's get started than, shall we? Um, unfortunately, Barry the puppeteer has damaged his vocal chords doing his Dickins.
Well, that's not surprising.
That voice is such a departure for him.
And we thought just for fun you two could take turns playing Dickins while the other reads the story.
Is that okay? -Fine.
-No problem.
All right.
Okay.
I'll leave you to it then.
Good luck.
Okay.
Thank you.
DARCY: Ready, guys? And action.
Hello, children.
Today Dickins and I are going to read the story, ''Pancho, the Field Mouse.
'' It's pronounced Pancho.
Thank you, Dickins.
Just trying not to make you look stupid.
(HUMMING) (MECHANICAL WHIRRING) (HUMMING) (MECHANICAL WHIRRING) Okay.
That'll be lunch.
(KNOCKING) -How's it going, Ben? -Good.
Just keeping on top of things.
Well, you're doing a great job.
-Keep it up.
-Thank you.
Oh, um -While I'm here -Mmm-hmm? I understand that you and Roger Bailey had a little chat last night.
Any interesting information come out of that? Actually it did, yes.
But, Mr Griffith, I'd better be honest with you.
I'm not entirely happy with this position.
How do you mean? Well, when I accepted this post I thought I had something to offer, you know, something more meaningful.
And if you think I'm gonna sit around all day twiddling my thumbs, cashing cheques and acting as your mole, you don't know the real Ben Harper.
I'll give you a £20,000 a year raise.
There's a picket line, Thursday, Financially they can't make it past next Tuesday and I'm gonna need more pencils.
Oh, and a pen.
Excellent work, Ben.
Let's discuss the details over a drink.
A drink? At this time in the morning? Good God.
It's only half-past ten.
You have so much to learn about executive life.
Don't touch me.
DARCY: And action.
Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin.
''Once upon a time there was a man named Mr Giggles.
''Mr Giggles loved to giggle.
''He giggled in the morning.
He giggled in the afternoon.
'' Oh, glad somebody's having a good time.
''Mr Giggles could never forget the one day he didn't giggle.
''That was the day'' Poo-wee! ''That is the day Mr Giggles broke his spine in three places.
'' -It doesn't say that.
-Oh, yes, it does.
Right here.
Ow! Don't interrupt.
''Mr Giggles awoke to find that his heater had broken.
'' Sorry! Just grooming! -I'll groom you, you little -Ow! Ow! My neck! You're this close to me performing animal experimentation! -Don't take it out on the monkey.
-I wasn't talking about the monkey.
When I'm finished with you, you'll be sucking bananas through a straw.
That'll be the best meal you've ever made.
I'm not too old to put you over my knee, young lady.
Oh, try it, grandma.
(JANEY YELPING) So which one of us got it? ''In light of our inability to reach an agreement, ''the dentists' union will return to work under the terms dictated by Cavitex.
'' Excellent, Roger.
I couldn't have put it better myself.
You gave me this to read.
Yes, I did.
Well, let's make it nice and official, shall we? Yes, of course, sir.
Um, I have the relevant paperwork here.
If you'd like to hand that around.
One for you lot.
Uh, there.
And, of course, for you, sir.
If you would just sign, um, here and -Yes.
(MUMBLES) And here.
-Mmm-hmm.
Know this, Ben Harper, whatever friendship we once shared is well and truly over.
Oh, stop it, Roger.
I can't keep taking the good news.
Well done, Ben.
By breaching their original contract, all these dentists have forfeited their bonus, their holiday pay, and their built-in salary increase.
Perfect ending to the perfect day.
Oh, and before you go, I have some news for you.
Ah, my pencils have arrived? Not quite.
No.
You're sacked.
Your position has been eliminated.
What? But you can't sack me.
I'm head of Human Resources.
Well, you can sack yourself if you like, but the result would be the same.
But you can't throw me back to the dental dogs.
Look at them.
They'll eat me alive.
Weird, huh? Well, that's it, is it? You give and this is how you get treated.
All right.
I'm going.
I shall go back to my office and collect my thing.
Before I go, sir, can I draw your attention to the contract you've alljust signed? -Particularly, clause 1 3, subsection Z.
-What're you talking about? Well, as head of Human Resources, I thought we'd get back to basics.
-We're a dental company, right? -Right.
And, as such, dental surgery should be our main priority.
So all those qualified to perform dentistry, raise your hands.
Ah.
Ah.
Good.
And all those not qualified to perform dental surgery, raise yours.
Now, use those hands to wave.
Goodbye.
You're sacked.
What're you talking about? Well, you see, I got a little bored sharpening pencils, so I spent a little time adjusting the contracts.
You're joking.
Little tip, never sign a contract without reading the small print and never call a late night phone-in using your wife's credit card.
-What? -Oh, it's a little thing for me.
Okay, guys.
Come on.
Let's hit the bar.
-Yes.
-No, no.
Ben.
Ben, you can't do this.
But this will finish all of us.
Weird, huh? -Ben.
-Don't touch me.
All right.
Hey, Mikey! How's it going, boy? Dad, this has been such an amazing day.
I was out walking when these five guys came out of nowhere and jumped on top of me.
What you do in your spare time, Mikey, is your own business.
In the game, Dad.
I thought I was a dead man.
But then Scott burst in, blew them away, and had us both air-lifted to safety.
And all without a single scratch on my character's health points.
This guy Scott's a keeper.
I know.
What a loser.
Hey! -How's my favourite executive? -Great.
I got sacked.
-You don't see overly bothered.
-No, I got me old job back.
And I got Griffith to sign a contract agreeing to new benefits including more money and extended toilet breaks.
-How much more? -Ten minutes.
I get to play Sudoku as well.
I was talking about the money, but hey, well done.
-Well, I have a surprise for you, too.
-What? -Janey got the TVjob.
-No! I have the disc of her first show right here.
Well, you don't seem overly worried about it.
Well, I'm proud of her.
She had an easy way out but instead she fought hard for it.
-Literally.
-Good for her.
Mmm-hmm.
She showed real spirit.
And you know what? In the end, I think she got everything she deserved.
Yeah.
Hello, children.
You ready for another story, Dickins? Isure am, Barry.
Today's story is 'Mr Giggles' VeryBad Day.
'' Where's Janey? She's the monkey.