Shameless s11e01 Episode Script

Look at me, and look at the Queen.
I wasn't a fan until it occurred to me how much we have in common.
Bringing up kiddies you can't remember the names of.
I know she's not a single parent, but she might as well be.
Plus, the pair of us, we've stuck to our guns - her literally sometimes - and flagshipped a dying breed.
Admired and despised equally.
Not for never lifting a finger.
No - for setting examples through extremity.
And whether you're a bigwig on her end or a bigwig on mine, you've still got all your dickheads in the middle to deal with, snip, snip, snipping at your benefits.
I mean, she can't not be looking at me and thinking "What's your secret, Frank?" I got shot of my kids yonks back, whereas she's yet to see the back of a single one.
Fine, I've had to get out of bed on occasion to make ends meet, whereas she's done the whole thing from a chair.
Oh, and a drink for the lady.
Oh, sure, there's perks, but look at her lot - Brian May prancing about on her roof.
Now, look at my lot - we know how to throw a proper fucking party! 'Most people are born to be led.
But some 'Some are born to lead.
'With the right ingredients, we rise up and we take our place at the top.
'I reckon it's mainly in the genes.
'But the backing of a loyal family often helps.
'The Maguires - OK, we never said we ran Manchester.
'We never wanted to.
'But Chatsworth? This is our manor.
'Our way.
'We're the social services' Fuck off! '.
.
The bank '.
.
the police '.
.
Always looking to branch out, provide new services.
'Mam's getting all socially aware 'and making inroads into education' A Rastamouse DVD for the team that picks the most! Ready, go! '.
.
Brother Shane's expanding into leisure with a festival site' A toast! To expansion.
Expansion.
Expansion.
'And I'm at the helm.
'Bottom line, we look after our own.
'Our estate, our own little kingdom.
'Chatsworth.
' Pap-asite in the area, scruff us up and dumb us down.
They'll need air-brushing with a road sweeper, that lot.
Yeah, that's the one, that's the one.
Oh, yeah, there's the money shot.
Ey-up! Midnight flit.
Avril Powell at three o'clock.
Pound back on your trollies? Head up.
I've never felt like such a tramp.
Manchester's still alive! Yeah! When I hear "shithole", I don't listen any more.
Yeah! Just like the Olympic Committee didn't listen to Wilmslow and Bowdown and chose Chatsworth yes, Chatsworth, to receive one of the actual rings from London 2012! Where Manchester leads, the rest of the country follows.
Football! Ticket touts! Music! Persian rugs! Fashion! Only a tenner for your Jekyll Lacostes.
The Olympic motto is our motto as we regenerate the shitholes.
Swifter, higher, stronger than before.
Roll up, steroids on tap.
No, it's mine.
Police brutality! My grandad died for free speech on the fields of Peterloo, you monkey! Ladies and gentlemen, I proudly present your very own Olympic ring! That's not an Olympic Ring.
Shit.
Hey, Lou Erm well, I, listen Go home, you fucking weasel.
Yeah! The mayor is in the altogether His altogether, his altogether They're past their sell-by.
Off! Off! Ladies and gentlemen, please! Please! Stop! I will not submit to brutality! Rodney King, Mark Duggan, now another tragic "accident".
You take him on, you take us all on.
Come on, let's have it, you wanker! Not the ring, not the ring! Tell them to calm down.
They're only having a laugh.
They listen to you.
Yeah, to a point.
All units back down Thought that fat 5-0 was going to cry when the egg hit him in the head.
Hey, enough! Kids play on this street, Tel.
Hey, Tish, you proper missed it! We proper showed them.
What happened? The feds shit it! How's the big move going? I'm moving in with my big sister.
Yeah, works wonders for my self-esteem.
Well, she's always thought she's better than everyone else.
Yeah, and a homeless, potless little sister just perpetuates the myth.
See ya later.
Bye, love.
Use your Old Spice! That aftershave doesn't come cheap.
The stronger aroma caressing your nostrils is the sweet smell of success.
Oh, Avril's moved out.
Are you Frank, the bloke who shifted Coggsy's furniture? And duly twinged a hamstring in the process, yeah.
Happy days.
Fuck, you talking hey.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm expecting someone.
We know.
Jizzabelle.
Just diagnosed with a nasty dose.
Waiting on a prescription.
Professional hazard, but a lucky break for you.
Lend us your phone.
We always come as a pair.
You ready for the night of your life, Frank? What's up, Frank? Coggsy.
Yeah, we need to renegotiate, mate.
I'll take the money instead.
These two are bigger than the fucking settees.
Oi! Don't get personal, Franky Wanky.
Where's Jizzabelle? I don't care if she's got AIDS.
I'll get double bagged up and watch her tamper with herself.
I'd rather do a Rock Hudson than be trampled on by these gastric bandits.
Cheeky twat.
What about the bird in the photo? Coggs I'm Sherrilee.
And I'm Derrilee.
And once you've been spatchcocked by us There ain't no looking back.
Hiya! Hiya.
Any feds come back? Don't you love smashing them up? Why so snide? Just a couple? The last thing your borderline personality needs is a dose of this twisted shite.
No-one else coming? It seems people have got cautious in their old age.
OK, then, I'm going to be all right, go on.
Mushroom virgin.
I promised I wouldn't let him go under.
I'm a firm believer a trip a year is a great work-out for the swede.
About time you told me who you've been shagging.
Wide smile, sparkly eyes She's right.
You can't fake that shit.
Don't be stupid.
This will open you up.
No pain, no gain.
I was there! My 21st? It was a madhouse.
God, I was fucking fat! Hey, that was the night Jamie was conceived.
Paddy sneaked out of the open nick for my birthday.
Only shag in five months, and I'm off me trolley on mushrooms.
It wasn't just a shag.
Are you getting at something? Oh, that image has scarred me for years.
What image? I thought the two of them were attacking you.
Tell me what you're on about.
Paddy wasn't the only one getting it on.
Alfy the Arab? The medical student? Now I remember.
Paddy was up the Gary Glitter.
Wahey! Suppose someone had to.
It wasn't his thing.
Ever.
The mushrooms must've loosened him up.
That's how I know.
Your only shag in five months? The night Jamie was conceived? 'But Alfy was up the front and' 'Paddy was up the Gary Glitter.
' Frank's heard you've got mushrooms.
Someone going to tell me what's going on? Your mam can't look down her nose at me anymore, the dirty bitch.
You know how big she was back then.
I suppose Mimi's sexual deviance is the least of your worries.
I'm happy.
Connor's happy.
You're still you.
Still feel like a pound of semtex has gone off in my head.
Do I get the impression you liked that, Frank? Oh, God! Eh, Derrilee, what the fuck are you doing? Get over here! In a minute.
There's no telling her, Frank.
It's a proper obsession.
I have to clean.
She goes through £30 a week on bleach alone.
Nobody even fucking lives here.
You should have entertained us round your gaff, she'd have left it sparkling.
I think I could get used to them mushrooms.
Imagine Jamie's head today? Think it's any worse than Mimi's? Maybe Jamie hasn't said nothing.
Well, why would he? And Dom and Gloria promised it'd go no further.
Seriously! Yeah, you can trust them.
As you were.
The dinner ladies want a price on a thousand tins of tomatoes.
I'll sort it.
As you were! Can we have a talk in private? I'm the one with my dirty knickers on display.
And I'm another product of them being dropped.
This isn't easy for me.
Piece of piss for me.
Get over yourself.
Just like that? Does it make that much difference? Difference is, I thought I was a Maguire.
I'm still your mother! More's the pity.
She didn't remember.
Exactly! How's this my fault? D'you know what, he wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for me! Code red! It's OK.
Just nobody move.
Do not move.
Put that down! This is not a drugs raid.
So what's the charge then? Public disorder, affray.
Affray? I've used more eggs in an omelette.
Come on, where's your sense of humour? They were only messing about! Camera doesn't lie.
I wasn't even there! And him.
The camera's telling porkies this time.
Look, I swear, that's not even me.
He was working here! You know who was working! I was at the ceremony.
Exactly.
And that's why you'll be joining us as well.
Bollocks! And her.
Oh, this is harassment! Get off me, you fucking knobhead! Er, do you mind? I'm trying to have a slash here.
Very impressive, Shane Maguire.
I can't see any rioters here, can you? Stay put till we've gone.
This is fucking ridiculous.
They've not even done anything.
And we're still looking for these.
It's a fucking joke! Thank God for you The wind beneath my wings.
Celine warbles the vowels just a tad longer, gives the perfect yolk.
Mum reckoned Bette Midler's version was better.
That's why her eggs were too runny.
Such a relief having you in a safe environment at last.
Riots, junkies, gangsters consider them things of the past.
Get settled in a decent neighbourhood.
Chatsworth's all right.
We never felt anything but secure there.
Maybe when Jackson was around.
But all's well that ends well.
Me and Mary Mae can look after you now.
Now for the fun part.
Weekly costs A hundred quid each gets all-inclusive.
Wifi's on, but Sky's extra Shit! Anything you want to share? One of the kids has gone off the rails.
Kids? Yeah.
We mentor underprivileged immigrant families.
Got to go.
Always on call.
Thank you.
White kids got four years for nicking Mars bars in the last riots.
You've done nothing wrong.
Hold your head up.
Excuse me.
Hi.
Erm, I just wanted to clear up a little misunderstanding.
See, my daughter and I were moving house earlier This is unbelievable.
We were moving house! With shopping trollies? Yeah.
Hold your head up, Mum.
Is your Dad in? I haven't seen him for a few weeks.
He works away.
Can we have a look around? Not without my permission you can't.
Thought you do everything together? 'Sharston pole-dancing night is her only night off.
' 'And you said you spent all your money on the extra hours?' Well, you know, I was hoping we could come to an arrangement.
Business is business, Frank.
I know.
Yeah, but, you know, given the laugh we had, you must have felt the connection.
Credit me till next giro then! Coggsy, you got any settees that need shifting? There's got to be something I can do.
So where the fuck am I going to find 30 quid that Won't find anything in there.
Well done with the pigs, by the way.
Piece of cake.
Hey, any Bad Girls lesbian fantasies? I let the desk sergeant come on my glasses.
Been a long time since we were banged up together.
Oh, what, like the good old days? Quiet, please.
Be quiet! Maybe I shouldn't be surprised given the lack of respect shown to the distinguished honour of being chosen to host one of the Olympic rings.
It was a zero! At least it appears you're saving yourself from further embarrassment by all pleading guilty? Only because of bullshit pressure! Button it, Avril.
You might have had your first charge sheet at 17, but I had better hopes for her! This is a disgrace! The fact you went equipped with such ideal transportation would argue compellingly against you.
We were nowhere near! Mum! You're more than free to take it further and gamble with the sentencing powers of the Crown Court.
Good.
You'll be dealt with individually.
Catherine Mimi Harmonica Joy Tutton.
£500 and 100 hours community service.
£900 and 100 hours.
But Looting.
reflect on the damage you've caused to property and the community.
Last, but not least, Lilian Tyler.
Given your previous good character, I think binding over will be sufficient in your case.
Waahey! Free drinks for everyone who suffered a miscarriage of justice! So the navvy is going to be at the school? Jamie, our business.
Have I got to take care of everything, as usual?! I've just been in court again because of this family.
- What's that got do with anything? - I'm not even a Maguire.
Not having dad's potato-genes might explain why your accent's all over the place, eh? Fucking hell, watch it, Plastic Paddy! You really fancy this? Yeah, I do, mate.
I feel it in my blood.
Telling ya, this field's the golden goose that keeps on shitting eggs.
We're going to smash it.
Do you reckon Paddy knew? Why worry about him? Find your real dad, that's more important, eh? Come on, how bad can it be? You reckon? I know.
Sandwiches? Yeah.
Has a bit of exercise got my little bastard feeling any better? You're still convinced Connor would like a granddad? Yeah.
I adored mine.
Someone to spoil him even more than we do? Might spoil us as well.
I think it's time to track him down.
He lives in the poshest part of Leeds.
You need 30 quid and I need to stay on the PTA.
The kiddies know what to pick.
You bring the mushrooms straight to me.
Nick any and your scrawny arse will decompose in that field providing good nutrients for next year's crop.
And keep your beady eyes on those lazy bastards rebuilding the shitters.
First sign of skiving, get on the blower.
So do I get paid now or at the end of the day? Public sector, Frank.
Monthly wages like everyone else.
What good's that?! Sacrifice a giro in the meantime?! No chance.
It's less effort than signing on! Forms every week, job plans, job club it's full-time employment keeping out of work these days.
This job is tailor-made for a lazy cunt like you.
Part-time, own room, going missing, phone, tidy a bit here, there, sweep a few leaves.
A doddle.
Frank? Frank? What? You can tell there's plenty of money round here.
Will you calm down, you look fine.
Are you sure you don't want us to come in with you? No.
Better break the news gently.
How could he not love you? Where's Jamie? He rang in sick.
So he finds Alfy, what's the point? Why does he think that's going to help? Exactly.
Driving himself mad for nothing.
I thought you got off? I did.
And I heard those Arabs, they don't age well.
Exactly.
Although he does sound like a better option than Paddy.
Paddy wasn't all bad.
Suppose he couldn't have been.
Meaning? Well, I never get shit dick, do I? Oh, here we go again! "Up the greaser, yak yak yak!" I have no idea what my dad's up to now.
I've not even got one any more.
Pick up Gallagher, you lazy tramp! Hello.
Frank! Ah, Mama Mimi most mild! Cut the wisecracks, scruffy bollocks.
How's the kiddie-shitters looking? Er, hang on.
They haven't even turned up? I fucking knew it! This is for the community, right? "Community Service.
" Yeah.
Have you got any say in how we serve our time? Yeah.
Well, we're not talking the Sudan, or some other potless gaff.
Less than a mile away from here, English kiddies are risking illness and disease by holding in their urine and their faeces because they haven't got functioning toilets.
That or they march to Mapley Park and risk noncing by paedos.
Half term starts today.
Imagine the joy on their faces if they got back to find they could piss in safety.
Karen! Right then, shall we go and see Granddad? Kassi, Karen.
- Hiya.
- Hello.
Welcome, come in.
This is Connor.
Say hello to your new uncle.
Hello.
Hello! Connor's got three new cousins.
Wow.
No granddad, I'm afraid.
Oh? Dad died when I turned 16.
Jamie will fill you in.
Can he use the toilet? Yes, of course.
Go on.
Tea, coffee? Coffee'd be great.
Looks like he inherited a few quid, though? Fuck all.
Alfy the Arab died potless.
He wasn't a doctor.
Oh.
Dropped out after his first year.
Well, are you OK with that? I am.
It's a shame for Connor.
There any more? How old is he? He's done all right for himself.
Are you done? Come on, then.
Where in Liverpool is the pub? It's not.
It's Manchester.
Of course.
Sorry.
Struggling getting my head around all this.
Jamie's mum is from Liverpool.
Ah.
And she was at college with Dad? She worked in the chip shop.
What does she do now? She's big in the local PTA.
There.
Who's that with them? Paddy.
Who you thought was your dad? She's not his normal type.
How long were they together? It was a bit of a one-night stand.
They knew each other a while, though.
Apparently they were the worse for wear.
No, that excuse doesn't wash.
He needs an excuse? Not for the one-night stand.
He never drank.
Yeah? Try off his rocker on mushrooms.
No! No chance.
They had a threesome.
Your old fella hanging out of the front.
Our old man.
Listen, we've got a lot on.
Well, Esther will be back with the kids in a minute.
- Let Connor meet his cousins? - Another time, yeah? Should've knocked that little prick out.
Hang on a sec.
Oi, nonces! The entertainment starts at seven! You can come back then and fucking pay at the gate! I'll give you a bell back later, yeah? All right, mate.
Look, you didn't see that.
Plenty here I "haven't seen.
" And I'm prepared not to, as long as you keep them enclosed.
You make this work, good luck to you.
Er? Warrant?! Nice office.
Moving in? Living on site's good enough for Michael Eavis.
Just so you know, I could never be a grass.
Where's that come from? Why else are you giving me, the, er, special treatment? Seems your mum was a bit lively in her prime.
Wayward youth, y'know.
Scousers.
I like it.
Multiple entries.
'All units, all units.
'Reports of a missing five-year-old girl in the Byley Boulevard area.
' Are you going to read me my rights? Nothing interferes with a missing kiddie.
The police are after you.
Fuck 'em! Pointless trying to puncture my happiness, Lillian.
My defences are reinforced so the full force of the law can crash down and be rebuffed at will.
Tonight, I am truly alive! Ah-ah-ah! Only our drinks on the premises, Frank.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Not the disco-biscuit dancey things, them hardcore filthy ones spiked with a pinch of Viagra.
All the drugs got flirted in the raid.
No one's got access till Jamie gets back.
Ah! Mine host of the chemicals.
Alfy not with you? If you fancy another threesome you better get a shovel cos he's six foot under in Roundhay cemetery.
Boosh! How was it? Well, he's got a new brother.
Fuck off! You serious? Cool as me? Thought so.
At last! The world mourns another poor, dead Arab.
Jamie! What are you playing at, mate? Produce-request.
And all this bullshit's done with, no more running around playing "Who do you think y'are?" While you've been fucking about in Leeds I've been busy picking up the pieces.
Jamie.
Pill-me-up with the stepping stones to celestial bliss.
fucker-uppers.
The dirty ones.
He-ey! I love it here, me.
That's good to know, Frank.
You've always been like a son to me.
Don't wait up, anyone.
I've sorted another crew.
Silver lining of community service.
I'm not interested.
Come on Jamie, this is getting boring.
I'm out.
What does that mean? Out of what? The lot.
Congratulations on your promotion, mate.
Are you saying what I think you're saying? Why's it so difficult to understand? It's over.
Mickey, definitely.
Shane, maybe.
I never thought I'd see the day where I had to tell you to get a grip.
Not one little doubt in 32 years? Jamie, please believe me.
I know you must have known it wasn't Paddy.
I swear I didn't! Bollocks! Oh, so I'm a liar as well? It's every kid's instinct to prove himself to his dad.
And you did.
You did him proud.
But it was the wrong man! Why does it matter? He's the one who brought you up.
So losing ten years of your life wouldn't matter to you? Stuck in jail, based on a lie.
All to show my "dad" what I was made of.
That's wasted time me and her could have spent together.
Bigger family, better house, proper neighbourhood.
You always talk about getting away.
By the sea.
Devon, Cornwall? Well, maybe it's time.
Don't say that.
I've always fancied Australia.
Or New Zealand.
Australia, New Zealand.
Visas? Manslaughter convictions don't grant instant access any more.
Well, anywhere then.
A proper break.
Give Connor a proper start in life that we never had.
Mum, we're late.
Tell me again how this mentoring works.
Wakey-wakey! Uh! Uh! A more civilised manner in which to greet the sunrise I have yet to imagine.
This is way over our rate, Frank.
Even for all night.
Well, enlighten me like that again, and you'll be swimming in enough bleach to sanitise Old Trafford.
I'd love your job.
We've got a real gent here, Sher.
Hey, hey! Now do that with your mouth! I need to get a fucking door.
Brought you these - books for the business.
Eh? Well, the official ones anyway.
Come on, you're not serious about this, are you? I'm out.
Fuck the business and fuck Mam.
Fuck the Chatsworth.
And me? Yeah, fuck you an' all.
I'm not gonna step up, you know.
Got this place now, haven't I? Big plans.
Nah.
Your departure heralds the end of an empire.
Maybe Mam'll do it.
You reckon? I'm not saying she doesn't love the whole Mimi Big-bollocks routine but it's not the only reason she does it, you know? Yeah, it is.
Nah.
It's tribal for her.
No tribe, no point.
No you no point.
So she does this all for me, does she? You do it for each other.
You'll miss me.
But you'll miss her more.
Now this is what I call value for money.
We empty the bank accounts and safety boxes, sell the car and furniture, we cash in our stake in the Jockey, and we can afford this.
Five acres overlooking the ocean, and we won't have to work for the next three years if we don't want to.
Where is it? Nugget Bay.
Very funny! It is! Look, you follow the coast all the way down from Christchurch to near the bottom.
Christchurch? New Zealand? Which is what I always said.
Go on.
I will follow you to the end of the earth.
I love you, no matter who you are, or what you are.
You, me and Connor is all that counts.
No matter where we are.
I mean, watching United at three o'clock in the morning's gonna be a pain in the arse, but other than that, it's all perfect.
Except I know you don't want to go.
It's only right, you know.
Offenders putting a bit back.
Guess who couldn't keep away? Thought I'd bring you something nutritious for lunch, keep your strength up.
Course you did.
Consider this an education, Mary Mae.
Be grateful that this is probably the only time you'll encounter this level of society.
Cheeky bitch.
You are so much better than this.
Sandwich spread and cheese slices? How old am I? All this work, earning readies.
None of it matters without you.
Used to be that and a Mars Bar every Tuesday and Thursday.
Remember any others? Beef and tomato paste and cucumber, Monday, Wednesday, Friday.
What chocolate bar? Kit Kat or a Bounty.
Been playing it over and over.
Guess the warning signs were always there.
There was always something different about you, something more going on.
Something better.
Maybe I did know, subconsciously.
Just couldn't admit it.
Terrified what it would mean for me and Paddy.
I am sorry.
I know.
I will have that sandwich.
That's how good I am.
That's how easy I can sneak up.
Which is what I'll do if you breathe a word of this to anyone.
What do you want? Twisted, filthy, full-on fucking and beasting.
No strings.
No questions.
I'm addictive.
I'll blow your mind.
And if I'm remotely impressed, it might happen again.
Show me what you've got, Mr Villain.
Grrr! There you go, sweet cheeks.
There you go, smiler.
There you go, Lillian.
There you go, lazy arse.
Plenty more where that came from.
The Maguire money-machine keeps on rolling.
And the school's sorted.
And looks like Lucky Bollocks here finally gets it right.
I can't work out how you never got nicked.
Born lucky.
You should start doing my lottery tickets.
Oh, bloody hell.
Downturn Abby.
Her name is Patty.
We're honoured.
I thought it'd be nice to spend some quality time with my sister.
If you want to join us down at "that level of society", that's fine.
But, I think you owe my friends an apology.
Come on, Avril.
There's no smoke without fire.
They were all there.
And there was a riot.
An apology.
I'm sorry.
Mine's a G&T, babes.
Kassi! What's the occasion? It's a private celebration.
Thought it was my turn to make the effort.
Check out Manchester, me and you get to know each other I wanted to find my dad.
Leeds wasn't about me and you.
It's a good opportunity to explore that? Not really, no.
We might find we have more in common than you think.
And I always wanted a brother.
He's got me, hasn't he? I'm Kassi.
It's time you should leave.
You not listening? Fuck off! Maybe come another time, Kas.
Come on, mate.
Dickhead! You still here? What's the problem? You are! Fuck's sake, Jamie! He's your brother! Get him fucking out of here! Shane, throw him out the back.
Chatsworth.
The Maguires.
What if I'm meant to be part of another kingdom? I loved the Jungle Book when I was a kid.
But I always got upset when Mowgli realised he wasn't a wolf.
It wasn't his fault he'd been conned.
He still loved the wolves and Big Baloo but he could never forget he was different.
Couldn't help wondering if there were more like him.
Mowgli knew he had to go to the village and see what it was all about.
So he went to find his place in the world.
'Hey, this is Kassi, I can't take your call right now 'so please leave a message and I'll get back to you when I can.
' The good things happened.
Right? Better watch your tone.
You better watch out you don't overstep the mark.
Go in, after midnight, rip it out, sell it on.
They know about this? Frank, I'm stuck! I'll catch you, trust me! - You get on all right, as a family? - I thought she was lovely.
- Second time this week we've almost been caught.
- I want to do normal things.
Why don't we, then? Tonight, Grand Hotel.
Oh, shite! Here, tell him what your Biddy said.
That I left hair in the bath! Oh, ride it, baby! Hair, as if! Yeah, let it go.
I know how good I cleaned it.
It sparkles! I love to clean.
Ride it out! Give it to the big boy.