It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s11e02 Episode Script

FRANK: Charlie, can I come in already? CHARLIE: Well, that depends, Frank.
Are you done farting? FRANK: No.
Well, then you're gonna keep hanging your ass out the window till you're done, all right? Look, I-I warned you.
You want to put slices of rum ham on a Grilled Charlie? That's a stomach "bomba.
" It's too much for your system.
Then make me another one.
If I'm gonna stick my ass out the window, I'm gonna eat.
Unbelievable.
Alright, here we go.
I feel like it's gonna be a week before your system gets back to normal.
Y-You can't just eat whatever you Charlie (crashing, shattering) Holy shit! Are you okay?! Frank?! Hey, are you all right? (groans) (echoing): Hey! Are you okay? (groans) (echoing): Are you all right, man? Frank! Where are you going?! MAC: I'm the one that came up with the chickens to contaminate the steaks.
I was the first one to say that, right? I-I don't think so, no.
I don't think so.
You t Are you serious? No, I remember being on the phone and Yeah, being totally serious.
Dennis, Deandra! Yeah.
What? No, I-I I-I feel like I came up with it.
It's me! What, do you want a goddamn medal? Yeah, get out of here, Frank.
We're right in the middle of something very important.
I was on the phone; I came up with it.
What are you talking about? That never happened Your mother's dead.
I thought I was the one that Yeah, we know she's dead.
I think I was the one that told you to make that call.
I-I was just kidding.
Uh, your mother's not really dead.
Uh, I dropped that bomb to soften the blow.
We're getting divorced.
Wh-What's happening? Are you doing a bit, Frank? It's not funny.
(overlapping chatter) Hey! Hey! Oh, shit, man, are you okay? And who might you be? Wh-What?! Uh-oh, he's finally lost it.
Should we toss him in a home? Yep.
I-I'll get the car.
N-N-No, guys, guys.
Frank fell out my window.
We had our, like, fire escape taken off, and, dude, you, like, must have hit your head real hard.
(scoffs) Look, you seem like a really nice kid.
But my head is fine.
Oh, my God.
(gasps) Oh, shit.
MAC: Oh, my God.
Oh, it's his skull! CHARLIE: Uh, okay, Frank.
Um, what day is it? Wednesday.
Yes.
Wrong, it's Tuesday.
Is it? Actually, no, it's-it's Wednesday.
He's right.
I Did I lose a day? Yeah.
Okay, you know what? I got one.
Um, what is the capital of Pennsylvania? Philadelphia.
Yes.
No.
I don't think that's right.
Uh, is it Pittsburgh? Uh, at one point, it was Philly.
I'm pretty sure.
I don't think they change it.
MAC: All right, let's just, let's ask something easier.
Who's the president of the United States? George Bush.
Nah, I was just kidding.
The real president of the United States is Dick Cheney.
He's pulling all the strings.
Ah, shit, Frank, what year do you think it is? Oh, man.
Whoa.
Well, okay, so something clearly happened to Frank when he fell out of that window.
I think what happened is he went through the window, and the window seemed to be some sort of portal to the year 2006.
He has a concussion.
It's not 2006.
It's crazy, but stranger things have happened.
No, they haven't.
No, they haven't.
DENNIS: A-A-All right.
Guys, guys, guys.
You remember ten years ago when Frank first came back, and he wanted to, like, give all his money away to charity and reconnect with his kids and shit? Right, then he started hanging out with Mac and Charlie, got a taste of the bar lifestyle and decided he'd rather live in squalor.
Guys, we have an opportunity to change history.
Are you talking about taking all his money and kicking him out? Of course that's what I'm talking about.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I want to do that.
I-I want to do that.
I'm in.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We got to come up with a plan here.
What if Charlie and I take Frank to the strip club like before, so he keeps thinking it's 2006? We can't repeat the same mistakes of the past.
'Cause that might trigger his memories.
In fact, keep Charlie away from Frank.
I mean, he's drawn to him for some inexplicable reason.
Dee, here's what we'll do.
You and I will actually reconnect with Frank this time instead of rejecting him.
Okay, we just got to figure out a way to get him to write us a check for that money.
You know what we could do is we could do like a Wyclef Jean thing and create a charity for Haiti and then allegedly keep all the money for ourselves.
By the time he figures out what the hell's going on We'll be gone till November, we'll be gone till November DEE AND DENNIS: And tell my baby I'll be gone till November (mumbling lyrics) DEE, DENNIS AND MAC: February, March, April, May June, July, August, September You don't know the song.
You don't know the song.
There was a good bounce to it.
All right, well, either way, let's do that.
(sighs) Guigino's.
DEE: Mm-hmm.
That's a nice place.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Fresh fish daily.
How do you not have fish? Two can play at that game.
Banging your sister is perverted.
We ever been here before? No.
No, no So, so, so Catch me up.
How's life? Uh, life's good, man.
Things have been, uh, pretty good.
I'm still working towards becoming a veterinarian.
Of course.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, yeah.
And I'm still working toward my dreams of becoming a Broadway star.
Getting close but just haven't quite found my traction.
Right.
FRANK: Mmm, that's okay.
You got time.
DEE: Yeah.
Youse are young.
You're what, 25, 26? Yeah.
Eh, give it a few more years.
If it doesn't work out, you move on.
(chuckles) Mm-hmm.
I mean, y-you don't want to be almost 40 working at a bar.
Right.
Nope.
No way.
I know that I've been a lousy dad, but there's only one person to blame for that: your whore mother.
Mmm.
I don't like who she turned me into.
The big house, the big car.
I'm giving it all away.
To charity.
Well, that is a great idea.
I thought you'd give me a lot of shit for that.
Oh, no.
Man, who do you think we are? Oh, my gosh.
No, we are super into helping people in need and poor people and Yeah.
Y-Y-Yeah, y-yeah.
Dennis and I, we work very closely with a charity that, uh, that offers relief for the Haiti disaster.
There was a disaster in Haiti? (stammering): Oh, oh, had that not, had that had not to d was it? Yeah, I-I just got to look a quick thing up on my phone if DENNIS: Um, s Dad, uh Whoa, wh-wh-wh-wh-whoa.
What's that? What is that? My phone? That's a phone?! I've never seen anything like it in my life.
That's because I invented it.
You invented that? Yep.
That is genius.
Yeah, isn't it? Dennis, I always thought you'd be the one to move out in front.
No, it was her, but it was her after me, because, um, she actually came up with that after I had already invented this.
You invented that? Yeah, I invented this first, and then she copied me.
Well, you know what I did? I upgraded it.
I made it better.
Oh.
And I was worried that you were gonna spend the rest of your lives in that crap bar.
(all laugh) No, we're killing it.
Well, here's to your futures.
Hey, all right.
(laughs) (laughing): Oh, Dee, you bitch.
This is great, Charlie.
I am going to show you what life could be like without Frank.
Yeah, except the first time we came here with Frank, we brought home two strippers, so Yeah, but he banged both of them.
Uh, true, yeah.
This time, you and I are gonna be the ones that bang the strippers.
Right.
Well, why do you want to bang them? Oh.
'Cause it's 2006, and you're still into women.
(chuckles) Crazy.
Huh? You're not You haven't become Just drop it, just drop it, just drop it.
Yeah, I-I'll drop it.
Hey! Frankie, what's up, man? Wait, wait, wait, wait.
What are you doing here? I thought you were out with your kids.
You mind if I sit down? Yeah, absolutely not.
Pop a squat, Frankie.
Goddamn it, I-I Oh, my God.
You poor baby.
What happened to your head? Ooh.
Eh, it's nothing-- just a little scratch.
STRIPPER: No, it looks infected.
FRANK: It does? Maybe give you a lap dance? (laughing, chattering) Whoa.
Make yourself at home-- welcome to mi casa.
You got any booze? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah-- in the bed, under the pillow.
Oh, oh.
Oh, gosh.
I love it, it's so spacious.
It's one goddamn room.
You have a steak knife in your bed.
Oh, well, that's Frank's, uh Um, that is my toe knife.
It's your what? Uh, that's my t-toe knife.
For, you know, digging the scum out of my toes It's disgusting, disgusting.
and cutting my nails off.
Y-You cut your toenails with a knife? Yeah.
Well, yeah.
He does.
I mean, it's, uh Gross.
a cleaner cut, really.
scum out of my toenail.
Oh, botched toe.
That is disgusting.
FRANK (echoing): Toe knife.
Maybe I ought to try that.
I don't think you should; can I talk to you outside for a second? Just one second.
Thank you.
All right, all right.
Man.
Dude, we have to stop what's going on in there.
Why? We're about to bang a couple strippers.
Don't you see? We're making the same mistakes that we made with Frank years ago.
Don't you understand? He is on a bang path straight to the waitress.
Oh, shit.
All right, definitely want to avoid that.
All right, let's pull him.
Okay, yeah.
Let's pull him out.
He locked us out.
He did?! Yes.
So it is 2006.
DEE AND DENNIS: I'll be gone till November I'll be gone till November Yo, tell my girl I'll be gone till November You know what, say what you want about Wyclef, he may have stolen money from his own people, but that man can write a goddamn song.
Oh, nice.
Right? He's an excellent songwriter.
And that is an excellent song.
Mm-hmm.
But, Dee, Dee, look.
I want to talk to you about something, okay? We have a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity here.
Yes.
We have a real second chance.
I know.
S-So I want to talk to you about our future.
Yes.
Should we get into it? Yes.
All right, here, sit down for a second.
Okay.
'Cause in order to do that, I think we're gonna have to get real.
Okay.
And I want to get very real with you right now.
- Yeah, go ahead.
- Can I do that? Because I feel like I'm almost coddling you.
Interesting.
But that's neither here nor there.
I just want to get real with you f-for a second, okay? Yeah, go ahead.
So the acting thing.
Mm-hmm.
It's done.
But it's been done for a long time.
I mean, you were too old in 2006.
You're way too old now.
And you're bad at it.
Thank you.
For your honesty.
Yeah, is it are you cool? Oh, so much do I appreciate you for that.
Thank you.
Okay, good.
That must have been hard for you.
It was.
To say.
Can I be honest with you? I-I need you to.
Right? Right.
Okay, so the veterinarian thing.
Yeah.
I feel like the only reason you wanted to be a vet was to keep the skins.
What? You want to keep the skins, don't you? There's no denying the skins are fascinating.
It's the most fascinating part of the animal.
The skin of any animal is the most fascinating part, Mmm but that's not why I wanted to become Also you're going bald.
I'm going bald?! What are you talking about?! Just in in the interest of being real.
Where in the hell am I possibly going bald? In the back of your head There's no evidence of that.
There's quite a bit of ev I'll get two mirrors; I'll show it to you.
Don't get mirrors, because You're not gonna find anything.
I see fat spilling over the back of your pants on a pretty regular basis.
(stammers) What the hell are you talking about?! I'm just trying to let you know.
And by the way, there's no reason why a bald man who enjoys skins who has a little bit of extra something-something around his belly can't be a goddamn veterinarian! Okay, you know what, I can act! You are a wrinkled bitch! I'm gonna tell you something, my characters are good.
Okay, let's stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
I-I don't want to do this with you, okay? Do you see what's happening? We're We just jumped right back in; we just leapt right back in.
Into our old routines.
Same old place.
And I-I don't want to do that, okay? 'Cause Let's just focus here.
Here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna polish off this wine.
Yeah.
And then we're gonna open up a new bottle of vino.
Ooh.
(chuckles) And let's talk about our real futures.
I'll be gone till November To new beginnings.
And tell my girl, yo, I'll be gone till (alarm rings) (groans) Dennis.
Dennis, wake up.
Aah.
(groans) I'm up, I'm up, I'm up.
Look what we did.
(groans) Is that a crack pipe? Yes.
No, no.
(groaning): No.
No, no, no.
How'd this happen again? (groans) Well, it looks like we drank everything in the entire world, and then we went out and bought some crack, and we smoked it.
Yeah, a-a-all right, that's fine.
No, n-no, we just, we we slipped up.
It's-it's not a big deal.
Like, we'll you know, we'll pull ourselves together, and we'll, you know, we'll get back on crack.
I mean, on track.
Unless, um, you have more crack.
No, Dennis, I don't have more crack.
No one in the history of crack has ever woken up in the morning with more crack.
(sighs) Okay, but if I'm being honest with you, if I'm being very, very real, I need to be high on crack cocaine right now.
You know what we can do? I've got a great idea.
Once we get Frank's money, we'll just take all of that money and put ourselves in rehab, 'cause we're not gonna stop smoking crack.
It's all I'm thinking about.
All right, so we just got to figure out another way to get some money.
I have a idea.
Hi.
I'm a recovering crackhead, and this is my donkey-brained sister that I take care of.
(hums) I'd like some welfare, please.
You're a recovering crack addict, and your sister has the brains of a donkey? Mmm.
We thought that you might be a little bit skeptical, so we brought proof.
Dee? Well, you clearly replaced the name Frank with the name Dee, and you crossed out the word "not" on this document.
Nevertheless, I do not know what the hell this document is.
Well, that's that's an official State's, uh I'm gonna go ahead and stop you.
None of this matters to me.
So I don't need the whole song and dance.
If you want welfare you'll just have to fill out a bunch of this paperwork, 'cause I'm done with this bullshit.
This is good news.
This is great, isn't it? Oh, yeah.
I mean, times have really changed.
They have, I know.
You just fill out the paperwork now.
You don't have to prove anything, you know what I mean? You just get the money now.
Obama just gives you the money; it's great.
There's a lot of paperwork to fill out, though.
Yeah, could you write faster? I need some more crack.
I'm starting to come down pretty hard.
Okay, listen, Dee, I'm writing as fast as I can, okay? I-I also want crack.
Sorry.
I don't get why we're coming here to find a roommate.
You know, what about living with the waitress, too? The waitress is not going to live with you.
This is our only option, okay? People in the welfare store are in a pinch, so are you.
Yeah, that's a good point.
Uh Wait.
Is that Dennis and Dee? Hi.
Hey, guys.
Wh-What are you doing here? Yeah, did you get Frank to write the check? Dude, we're well on our way.
(chuckles) Yeah, but in the meantime, we came here because we need some money to buy crack.
You guys are smoking crack again? It's not a big deal, because, uh, as soon as we get that check from Frank, we're just gonna zip right off to a-a rehab program.
Yeah, we'll get in rehab.
You guys are back on crack, Frank brought strippers back to my place, we're all bumping into each other at the welfare store, and yet I'm the only person who thinks it's 2006.
You, you got what I need Oh What? It's him! It's him, everyone, shut up.
Oh, it's Frank, shut up! Okay? Shh.
Hey, Frank.
Daddy.
Daddy.
Yeah.
Hi, how are you? What's up? No shit.
No shit! Yes, we will be there in just a few minutes.
Okay, bye! What is it, what do you Oh, shit, great news, guys.
Great news.
No problem with the check.
We just gotta meet with his money man and he's just gonna write it to us.
Big fat check for us.
Oh, my God, yes.
We're going to see money man.
Get rid of that! All right.
Let's go get some crack.
Yeah.
I mean the check.
We're gonna Right, yeah.
Get some crack.
(exhales) Still need a roommate, right? Yeah, what about this guy? Oh, come on, man.
Don't just do that, you know? Knew you were gonna do that.
Anyone else.
Look at him.
WOMAN: Mr.
Reynolds.
Lauren Kerwin.
We spoke earlier.
Hello, toots.
Hello.
(Frank cackles) Yeah, so where's Jer-Bear? Mr.
Doran? Oh, um he-he passed away.
(laughing) He passed Jerry! Jerry, come on in here, don't give me that.
Don't make your secretary pull that bit on us.
Come on, Jerry.
Um, I'm not his secretary and he's been dead for years.
Really.
So Uh well, anyway, my kids turned me on to an idea last night.
Yeah.
All right, look, tell 'em about your invention.
Well, the charity that Huh? Not the, not the charity.
The phone.
The phone-- they're being modest.
Tell her, show her about the phone.
Show the broad the phone.
(exhales) You goddamn bitch! You wouldn't know a good idea if it smacked you in a tit.
She's gonna be gone by 2007, you mark my words.
DENNIS: She's a stupid stupid idiot.
Yes, she's a dumb dumb bitch.
A stupid moron.
So, those people on Haiti.
Now we can help them with the mon-- your money.
No, no Haiti? Haiti's a lost cause.
You might as well sink that goddamn island.
What are you talking about? DEE: (gasps) No, not a lost cause, no, you said you wanted to help poor people.
I am going to help the poor people.
I'm gonna help you, because you are my children and I gotta think of your future.
W-What? This is for you.
(inhales) There you go.
(both inhale sharply) Oh! Oh, that's a lot of zeroes! Oh, Dee Yeah, that's a lot of zeroes.
Yeah.
We will.
Oh, Daddy, we're gonna do such good things with this money.
Yes.
We're gonna help people, we're gonna invent.
Let's do it now, though.
Let's move.
Yeah, we'll go deposit it.
Invent, invent, invent, invent, right.
That was a very good decision-- thank you! Do it right away, do it right away.
(Dee giggles) You're a great dad.
Oh, Daddy! You're a great dad.
You're right.
(echoing): You are crackheads, children.
MAC: I want to thank you, gentlemen, for your interest in the roommate position.
You're both excellent candidates.
We have Edgar and Trevor, who is an aspiring jazz musician.
That's interesting, because Charlie is actually a musician himself.
Mmm, don't really care for jazz, though.
A lot of unnecessary notes.
(door opens) FRANK: Hey! Got room for one more? Frank, what are you doing here? Charlie, the other night was the greatest night of my life.
I used to live like that, in filth and squalor.
I want to do it again.
Absolutely not.
We are not doing this again.
You know what? I'm gonna consider it.
Gah Frank, have a seat.
Oh, Charlie.
Yeah, yeah, have a seat, all right.
Yeah, yeah.
All right, let's begin.
Okay, uh, first topic is cat food.
You want to lead with that? Mm-hmm.
Cat food.
Yeah.
Okay.
You find a can of cat food in the apartment.
What do you do with it? I don't do nothing with it.
Don't touch my shit, I don't touch your shit.
Great.
Okay.
He-he doesn't touch your shit Yeah.
That was very clear.
and then you don't So eloquent.
Very clear.
What are you writing? I filled in half the can of cat food.
It's sort of a half-full answer.
Great.
Trevor, your position on the matter? I'd ask if the can is yours, and, uh, if so, would you like me to feed the cat? Oh Oh, see, now he assumes that you have a cat.
Right.
Smart.
He doesn't have a cat.
CHARLIE: Yeah, so Oh.
Yeah.
Kind of a waste to-to feed a cat that's not mine.
For me, it depends on how hungry I was.
Or sleepy.
Oh, very interesting.
Couple of points for Frank right there.
W-Why? Well, I don't understand.
He gets points for Yeah, eating it and then Well, if I was hungry and the cat food was there, I'd eat it.
And if you were sleepy If I couldn't go to sleep You would I would eat the cat food and go to sleep.
'Cause it might make you go to sleep! All right.
In what scenario do you not eat the cat food? I would always eat the cat food.
Yeah, no.
Exactly right.
See, now there's a man who's-who's thinking on his feet.
MAC: Trevor is a great roommate.
He's a nice guy; he doesn't have the experience, though.
Experience? In what? Well, all these good things.
Let's keep talking.
Hey, I'm sorry, am I too late? Oh.
Wow, hi.
What-what are you doing here? I called her, actually.
I left her a message 'cause I thought she might need a place to live.
The last couple of years have been pretty rough on me, and now I'm living in a women's shelter, so Oh Yeah, I figured that.
'Cause she's the worst.
Is the apartment still available or not? Well, yeah, it's definitely available.
Great.
Yes! Oh, I've brokered a deal! Oh, no, come on, Charlie.
I-I'm sorry, Frank, but you know I'm not gonna give up an opportunity to have The Waitress as a roommate.
A roommate? N-n-n no, no.
No, no, you did not say that.
You did not say he would still be living here.
MAC: That's true, I did not say that, because I didn't think you would come if I did.
Yeah, well, you're goddamn right I wouldn't have come.
I am not living with Charlie.
Are you kidding? I would rather live on the streets.
You'd rather live on the streets? Yeah.
What? Ow! Ow, my God! What are you doing? Put me down! What the hell are you doing? Charlie, what are you doing? Ow! I was gonna throw her out the window and send her back to 2006! You were going to throw me out the window? What the hell is wrong with you?! CHARLIE: It's a time portal! Back in time! We could start over again! (arguing continues) This is really good.
(echoing): This is ham soaked in rum.
Rum ham, rum ham.
and make me another.
Rum ham! Who wants rum ham? (screaming) Rum ham.
You are such a psycho.
CHARLIE: The window is a time portal to 2006.
What is he talking about? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What the hell's everybody doing in my apartment? We having a gang bang? Oh, my God.
Get get the hell out of my way.
Welcome back, Frankie! (laughing) Oh, the farts, man.
That's good.
Oh.
Oh, the fart.
TELLER: Yeah, sorry, I can't cash this check.
Why? I mean, I know the number's really, really big, but the check is real.
Are you sure you Oh, yeah, yeah.
That's a real check.
No, it's outdated.
No, he just wrote it yesterday.
No, it is clearly dated 2006.
Oh, baby, you got what I need Goddamn it.
Son of a bitch.