Live at The Apollo (2004) s11e02 Episode Script
Dara O Briain, Zoe Lyons, Paul Chowdhry
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Dara O Briain.
Thank you very much! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to Live At The Apollo.
Are you in good form? Fantastic.
Huge crowd here.
It's a particular pleasure to be back on the stage here at the Apollo.
A few years since I've been doing this, and since I've been touring.
One thing that happened You're touring now, a bit older, kind of going, "What are we going to pass on to the next generation?" Particularly what do we teach our kids? I'm kind of in the middle of all that at the moment.
I'm not going to give out Anyone who's a teacher or in schools or any of that, good stuff, fantastic, good for you.
One of you out tonight.
The rest off marking.
So It's not the stuff you teach.
The stuff that we teach, right, I just find it bizarre.
The preschool syllabus.
The stuff that as parents you're supposed to drum into a kid's head.
The stuff from nought to three.
The stuff that presumably we as a society have decided is the fundamental, the bedrock information that we've got to drum into these That syllabus is un-evolved.
The amount of effort I put into teaching animal noises .
.
and pairing the same farm animal to the same farm animal noise to two children who live in the middle of London At no stage is a cow going to wander randomly into the house, and them go, "Oh, my God, a cow.
Baaah!" And me to go, "You fucking eejit.
"It's a cow! We've been training for this situation for years now.
" Animal noises and ABCs.
For those of you either before this or beyond this, ABCs are those big, thick-page books with one word per page in alphabetical order, and they make perfect sense at the start of the book.
Oh, they're magical at the beginning of the book.
But when you get to the back of the book, when you start doing the freak letters, you're putting the same amount of effort into teaching words to your children that you as an adult know well they will never get to use as an adult.
Xylophone.
The hours you spend Look at the xylophone.
Look at the xylophone.
Hardly a day goes by as an adult where somebody doesn't come up going, "Dara, have you got your xylophone on you?" I left my xylophone behind on a bus and I've got a major xylophone-based event coming up this evening.
Some day I would like to meet a professional xylophone player just to go, "How did you get into the xylophone?" In the off chance that they'll go, "Well, in my house, when I was "growing up, the xylophone was just as important as apple, ball or cat.
" And I'll go, "And is your sister a xylophone player?" "No, she's an X-ray technician.
" Cos they're only two words you can use.
You can only use xylophone and X-ray.
You can not use a third word beginning with X.
What is the third word beginning with X? Xenophobe! Xenophobia, well done, chap.
Very good.
Xenophobia is the third word beginning with X.
Xenophobia, the irrational fear of foreigners.
I would give anything to have an ABC in which the word for X was xenophobia.
Just to turn that page and go, "Look at those faces.
"They're different, aren't they, those faces? "How does that make you feel inside? "You're not sure how it makes you feel inside? "You don't know what they want? "They want your job.
" Then there are the things that we teach kids and the only reason we teach them to kids is because our parents taught them to us, and I am calling bullshit on one of those tonight.
Oh, yeah.
Specifically, elbows off the table.
Excuse me, but what is the problem with an elbow on a table? A table is elbow height.
It is the ideal place to stick an elbow.
You can rest them, you can swivel them, you can use them as base camp for the rest of the meal.
It is a fantastic thing to place an elbow.
And yet The reason we say, "Elbows off the table," to our kids is because our parents said, "Elbows off the table," to us.
And the reason they said, "Elbows off the table," to us is cos their parents said, "Elbows off the table," to them and frankly that's how religions get started.
No more.
Stick your elbows on the table, knock yourself out, enjoy yourself, right? Besides which, I'd imagine, if you went through the social history of it, you'd probably find out the whole elbows on the table, with respect to yourselves, is an English Victorian or Edwardian thing, that it was regarded as poor etiquette to show your elbows off in a kind of a "Oh, Mr Darcy, thank you for joining us at Cavendish Hall "for our annual Christmas celebration.
"Please come with me into the drawing-room.
"Elizabeth!" "How are you, Mr Darcy? "Have a look at that, Mr Darcy.
Do you like what you see?" "Elizabeth, don't bring shame upon this family.
" "Fuck you, Mammy.
I haven't got a husband.
"Plenty more where that came from, Mr Darcy.
" Elizabeth, why do you have a Dublin accent? And we learn things all the time.
We're always learning, always pushing back the levels of what we know.
You know me as a nerd, right? I'm always across all these things, whether it's space, technology, maths or whatever, or the brain - really excited about the brain at the moment.
There's a very big debate Sorry, getting nerdy for a second.
.
.
in the brain about a thing called the gendered brain, which is basically the scientific discussion of whether, on that continuum of male and female brains, whether there's genuinely a structural or chemical difference between the two, or whether it's just a societal thing.
It's the eternal question, right? And I'm not an academic.
I can't offer something academic to that but nonetheless I can offer one little observation about the male brain versus the female brain.
One thing that the male brain does that the female brain does not, and this is not meant in any way to say it's a better thing or a worse thing - it just is.
The male brain can enter a special state, a special altered mode where the chemicals of the male brain change dramatically.
It's not for long, it's just after an event, an event occurs and, for five minutes after the event, the male brain is a very different brain than it was just before the event.
Basically, there's a build-up to the event, the event and then after the event, and, after the event, it's a completely different universe that the male brain is inhabiting for five Most men have now gathered what I mean by the event, right? The event is a very happy event.
It's the event, it's a good event.
Let me put it on a medical term.
In Ireland, the medical term is getting the ride.
That is the term used.
The male brain is awash with hormones cos they're constantly going, "Will this lead to the ride? Find the ride.
"There must be a ride somewhere.
Any ride here? No ride here.
"Go over there.
Maybe there's a ride there.
" Constantly telling you to get the ride.
Then you get the ride and these chemicals fuck off somewhere, right? They leave you wandering around like you've been released from a hostage situation going, "What has happened here?" It's like the Matrix being switched off.
Suddenly, you see the universe as it truly is, including all the hideous decisions you've made, particularly in the build-up to the ride you've just had.
Who are you? What are we doing in this skip? Jesus, what was I thinking for the last half-hour? Ladies, if you want truth from a man, you have a five-minute window post-orgasm in which to ask him any question you want, right? And you've literally five minutes before the chemicals rush back in and the game begins again.
It is so profound and we should take this into account.
The worst thing it does, it offers clarity, and clarity is a terrible thing to have when it comes to sex.
Not just sex but to all the stuff around sex.
Can I apologise to every woman in this room for the ludicrous shite that you've had foisted upon you in the name of what we find horny? Some of which I know you only do in a kind of a cos you think it's an ironic little joke.
You know all that kind of boop-boopy-doo shit, right, that we'd occasionally get you to do cos you think it's a joke? You're going "Ha-ha-ha, this is kind of a funny joke, isn't it?" And we're going, "Yeah, yeah, just keep doing it.
" "No, but you're enjoying this on an ironic level.
" "Sure, whatever.
Just sing Santa Baby, one more time.
" I mean, lingerie is a perfect example of an entire global industry based around this.
Ludicrous clothing, right? If you're ever with a woman and she comes out dressed in lingerie and goes, "Is this what you like, is it? "This is what you like, is it?" you never feel more like an ape in a simian research laboratory as a kindly scientist from a superior species tries to fathom how your lower brain works.
"Is this what you like, is it? "Show me on the flash cards if this is what you like.
" "Banana.
Banana.
"Tyre on a rope, tyre on a rope, banana, banana, tyre on a rope.
" I mean, stockings are a great example of this.
A ridiculous item of clothing, but incredibly specific.
This is where the sexy is.
This exact height is where the sexy is.
Don't be going lower than this, though.
You've gone below the knee.
Pop socks, fuck off, no.
What? How do we go from, "This is the best thing you could possibly" to, "This is the worst thing you could ever wear"? That is an eight-inch journey from one part of the leg to another.
"Yes, yes, yes.
No! No! No! "Oh, I love it, love it.
"Ah, Jesus, put on some slippers and a housecoat "and let's knock the whole thing on the head.
"Bring it up, bring it up, over the knee.
"Oh, lovely.
Japanese schoolgirl, loving it.
"French maid, saucy.
"No, you've gone too far.
You've gone too far now.
Right.
" "You said lift it up, is this too far?" "Yes, yes, back down again.
"This is where the sexy lives.
This exact specific height is where" What? What is it in men communally, at some primal level, that makes us go, "Do you know what I like? "I like a woman who looks like she's been partially dipped in ink"? Ladies, you need to get your revenge, right? You need to find something which is as ludicrous, as nonsensical as the stuff that we have made you wear and do and act like in the name of sexiness.
And I know it won't be something you find genuinely erotic.
Just pick a thing.
Pick a thing, just decide among yourselves and declare this to be the most erotic thing you could possibly see on a man.
Just decide.
Like a glove that goes up to mid arm, right? Suddenly announce this is the most sexy thing and, every birthday and Christmas, buy us another pair of these and we'll get the box and shake it and go, "Hang on, what's in here?" And we'll open up and go, "Is this another pair of these, is it?" And you go, "Put them on! "Put on your gun shows and let's have a look at you.
" And make us walk around the bedroom going, "Is this what you like, is it? "Are you sure? Are you sure you find this sexy? "I'm not sure you find this sexy at all.
" "I love it.
Now take something off the shelf over there.
" "Feck off, you're taking the piss now, right.
Are you sure?" "I love it.
It's the sexiest thing ever.
Keep walking around the room.
" "Oh, come on now.
Can I at least wear the black ones? "The red ones make me feel slutty.
" "Put them on.
Now do the dirty thing.
" "I will not do the dirty thing.
"This should be enough for you now what you're seeing here.
" "Do the dirty thing.
It's Mammy's night.
Do the dirty thing, right?" "OK, I'll do the dirty thing but don't tell anyone I did it.
"Look at my elbows!" We have a fabulous show.
The laughs will hopefully just keep going and going as this goes on, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm going to bring out a lady who we've had on Mock The Week a number of times and she's always aced it every single time.
It's a joy to have her here.
Please, take the roof off the place for Zoe Lyons, ladies and gentlemen! Hello, Apollo.
I've made an effort this evening.
I'm wearing a bit of make-up.
I don't wear make-up every day.
I don't think you should, as a woman.
Do you agree with that, girls? Yes.
I think it's dangerous if you wear it every day, cos that's the face you become used to seeing, isn't it? I've got a mate who wears a lot of make-up every day and then there's that one day when you see them without any make-up at all and then you have to hide the horror on your face .
.
when they open the door sans make-up and you're like, "Oh, my God, where are your eyes?! "Where are your eyes? "You've got tiny, little eyes.
"They're usually so big and purpley.
"They're like two little peas floating in a pasta bowl.
" Don't spend money on beauty products, girls.
It's not worth it.
You know, cos you can spend a fortune on these things.
I picked one up the other day, I looked at the label, it said in the fine print, "Can reduce the visible signs of ageing.
" I thought, "Well, I don't need that.
" I don't need that.
I'll tell you why I don't need that.
Because if anybody is offended by my visible signs of ageing, I simply get them to back up.
That's what I do.
I use a little thing called distance.
It's clinically proven to massively reduce .
.
those visible signs of ageing.
Distance, by L'Oreal.
Cos I'm worth it.
We expect too much from products these days.
We really do.
We expect ridiculous things from products.
I picked up a thing the other day.
I found in a pharmacy the other day, stress-relieving shampoo.
Think about that combination of words.
Stress-relieving shampoo.
I mean, I understand the words individually.
You put them together, that doesn't make any sense whatsoever, does it? At what point does a hair cleanser become the answer to your stresses as a human being, tossed about in a daily sea of shit? When do you suggest to a mate that they use stress-relieving shampoo? At what point? Do you wait for them to come up to you and go, "Oh, Zo, Zo, it's all gone tits up, mate.
"Wife's left me, the kids hate me, business has gone under, "I'm going to lose the house, I'm drinking too much.
"I can't see myself carrying on"? Is it at that point .
.
as a responsible mate, you interject with, "Mate "Can't be that bad.
"Have you thought about using ".
.
some eucalyptus and spearmint stress-relieving shampoo? "I mean, I don't know whether it can help you with the divorce.
"You might need a conditioner for that but ".
.
it's worth a try, isn't it?" When you start looking at the wording in adverts then you start to realise what nonsense they are.
Even second-hand adverts, things for second-hand products.
I was online the other night looking for a second-hand car, right? I was using a well-known internet website looking for a second-hand car.
I found a car I was interested in, had a little picture of the car, all the stats you'd need, all the information about the car, all the figures you'd need, right? But in addition to that, it had along the side, just a little tagline, it just said, "One lady owner.
" I thought, "What? What does that actually mean? "What are they trying to say?" One lady owner.
What they're trying to say is that you're going to be buying a slightly better car because it's been owned by a lady.
It doesn't actually make any sense, that, does it? You just think, "Surely it depends on who the lady was.
" Just a lady.
It was just a lady.
I'm just suggesting if it was Boadicea, the alloys might be slightly knackered, that's all.
It's the word "lady" as well in there that really grates with me.
Lady.
It makes it sound like we all just drive around in bonnets, doesn't it, girls? White gloves with a freshly baked Battenberg steaming away on the passenger seat beside us, as an overly friendly Yorkshire terrier bounces up and down playfully in the window.
We listen to opera on a cassette, driving like a lady.
It's bullshit and I can tell you that for a fact because when I sell the car that I own at the moment I can legitimately use the strap line "one lady owner" and I'll tell you exactly what that means.
It means last month I drove it for half an hour with the handbrake on.
That's what that means.
Half an hour.
We've all done five minutes.
Half an hour is resisting any information the car is trying to give you, isn't it? I managed to convince myself I was driving behind a mobile barbecue.
I was like, "Smokey, smokey.
" So something else happened recently that I'd never thought would happen for me.
I got married very recently.
Ooh! They changed the law - we now have equal marriage in this country.
Meant I could marry my girlfriend of 17 years.
Thank you.
I'm very happy.
She's very, very lucky and Equality within marriage.
That's a whole different parade, isn't it? Come on, don't tell me I'm the only person in this room that's ever looked at their other half and thought to themselves, "I'm probably the better one in this relationship.
" I mean, you wouldn't say it, would you? But you've thought it, haven't you? Probably the team leader of this little outfit we've got going on here.
She's Dutch, my wife.
She speaks brilliant, brilliant English.
They're fabulous, the Dutch, when it comes to languages, so it makes it doubly funny when she gets something wrong.
We were at home a few weeks ago, watching a programme about people in persistent vegetative comas and AUDIENCE MURMUR I know.
We don't have Netflix.
You've got to watch what's on.
Literally a slave to the schedule.
It was quite upsetting, obviously, given the subject matter, and at one point I turned to the wife, she's having a little cry, I was like, "Oh, God, awkward.
" I said, "Are you all right? Are you all right?" She turned to me and she went, "I'm not, Zoe, I'm not.
"I'm finding this very upsetting, and I need you to promise me "something after watching this documentary.
" I said, "I will promise you anything, my darling.
"What is it you need me to promise you?" She went, "I need you to promise me "that if you truly love me ".
.
you will switch me off ".
.
if I ever become a vegetarian.
" Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so, so very much.
It's been an absolute pleasure.
So much fun.
I've enjoyed it.
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, Zoe Lyons! Let's keep that going as I bring on a man here who has filled this very room on his national tour this year.
He's actually riding a wave at the moment.
Please give it up for the very funny Paul Chowdhry, ladies and gentlemen.
Yeah.
What's happening? CHEERING You good? Yeah.
Just grew a bit of a beard, innit? Just while I was waiting to go on.
Some guy called me "The Father" other day.
I can't even make cakes.
I like it.
I haven't got much patience.
I am becoming the geezer that'll go to a restaurant "Would you like a table?" "No, I've come here to watch people eat.
"Forget the table, I'll do this shit on the floor.
" I'm in a supermarket, I'm in a queue, people come up to me, "Are you in the queue, mate?" "No, I'm just standing behind 28 people with a basket full of food.
"Maybe I didn't leave a big enough gap between his arse and my groin.
"Next time I'll get in his basket.
"So you know I'm in the queue.
" I get to the front of the till, "Would you like a bag?" "I've got 45 pounds-worth of shopping here.
"No, forget the bag, I'll eat this shit right now.
"Get me some cutlery.
We're going to be here for a long time.
" Just pour that milk into my pockets and stick that pineapple on my head.
I mean, I grew up in the '80s, man, with proper homophobia around, you know? Guys couldn't come out in the '80s.
You couldn't come out, could you, in the '80s? Very different time.
America is even worse.
America's got a scheme called Pray Away The Gay.
They think if you're gay they can take you to a church and pray the gay out of you.
Surely if you're that confused about your sexuality, the last thing you want to do is kneel in front of a priest.
It's going to make matters worse.
Who agrees with gay marriage? Who disagrees with gay marriage? They're not going to say it now, are they? I think gay marriage is wrong.
Cos if gay marriage catches on, soon we're going to have gay arranged marriages .
.
and I don't need that crap in my life.
Your dad's going to be like, "I introduced you to 50 girls.
"You said no.
Now bring the boys.
" Apparently we were all going to get wiped out by Ebola earlier this year, remember that? We were supposed to all get killed by Ebola.
What happened to Ebola? As soon as a white guy caught it, they found a cure.
"Thank God for David.
"Billions of us dead.
"David catch it, we are saved now.
"He is our saviour.
" It's like with CNN, this whole situation I heard about this other girl, Malala Yousaf.
You hear about her? She won a Nobel Peace Prize.
This girl got shot in the head by the Taliban and still got ten GCSEs.
I always used to get compared to other people as children.
When you get compared to Malala Yousaf, there's no coming back from that, is there? "Malala Yousaf got ten GCSEs "and she was dead! "Even dead people are more clever than you!" "I got a C.
" "Yeah, you can "C" yourself out of this family.
"What about the B?" "Yeah, B for bastard.
" She's got 15,000 likes on Facebook, you know that, Malala Yousaf? But Kim Kardashian has got 25 million likes on Facebook and no-one even knows what she does for a living.
What is she famous for? Having a massive arse.
His name's Kanye West.
I don't like it when people blame things on racism, though.
It's like I was watching this programme on BBC One about parking tickets.
A guy goes, "You gave me a ticket, bruv, innit? "You gave me a ticket cos I'm not white, bruv.
"It's cos I'm not white I got a ticket.
" I'm like, "Mate, you parked in a bus lane.
"It's cos you're not red.
" Cos I was born in the '70s.
Times have changed now.
Who was born in the '70s? Yeah? '80s? '90s? Yeah? How old are you? That's nice.
What was your favourite TV programme when you were growing up? Favourite TV show.
Teletubbies? Rosie And Jim? Yeah? Rosie And Jim fans in tonight.
Yeah.
What was your favourite TV programme? - Hannah Montana.
- Hannah Montana.
That turned out well, didn't it? We were born in the '70s.
You know what we used to watch when we were kids? Paedophiles on TV! Fingermouse.
Followed by Bagpuss.
You know who Rolf Harris is? Yeah, I do.
You want to know why he's inside today? Go home, YouTube Rolf's Cartoon Club.
We used to watch that every day.
All you see is I think I should leave now.
You've been a great crowd.
Thanks a lot.
Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Chowdhry.
What a night we've had here at the Hammersmith Apollo, legendary location for top-quality stand-up comedy.
Have you had a good night? Give it up for Zoe Lyons.
For Paul Chowdhry.
I'm Dara O Briain.
Good night.
Thank you very much.
That's all from Live At The Apollo.
Good night.
Thank you very much! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to Live At The Apollo.
Are you in good form? Fantastic.
Huge crowd here.
It's a particular pleasure to be back on the stage here at the Apollo.
A few years since I've been doing this, and since I've been touring.
One thing that happened You're touring now, a bit older, kind of going, "What are we going to pass on to the next generation?" Particularly what do we teach our kids? I'm kind of in the middle of all that at the moment.
I'm not going to give out Anyone who's a teacher or in schools or any of that, good stuff, fantastic, good for you.
One of you out tonight.
The rest off marking.
So It's not the stuff you teach.
The stuff that we teach, right, I just find it bizarre.
The preschool syllabus.
The stuff that as parents you're supposed to drum into a kid's head.
The stuff from nought to three.
The stuff that presumably we as a society have decided is the fundamental, the bedrock information that we've got to drum into these That syllabus is un-evolved.
The amount of effort I put into teaching animal noises .
.
and pairing the same farm animal to the same farm animal noise to two children who live in the middle of London At no stage is a cow going to wander randomly into the house, and them go, "Oh, my God, a cow.
Baaah!" And me to go, "You fucking eejit.
"It's a cow! We've been training for this situation for years now.
" Animal noises and ABCs.
For those of you either before this or beyond this, ABCs are those big, thick-page books with one word per page in alphabetical order, and they make perfect sense at the start of the book.
Oh, they're magical at the beginning of the book.
But when you get to the back of the book, when you start doing the freak letters, you're putting the same amount of effort into teaching words to your children that you as an adult know well they will never get to use as an adult.
Xylophone.
The hours you spend Look at the xylophone.
Look at the xylophone.
Hardly a day goes by as an adult where somebody doesn't come up going, "Dara, have you got your xylophone on you?" I left my xylophone behind on a bus and I've got a major xylophone-based event coming up this evening.
Some day I would like to meet a professional xylophone player just to go, "How did you get into the xylophone?" In the off chance that they'll go, "Well, in my house, when I was "growing up, the xylophone was just as important as apple, ball or cat.
" And I'll go, "And is your sister a xylophone player?" "No, she's an X-ray technician.
" Cos they're only two words you can use.
You can only use xylophone and X-ray.
You can not use a third word beginning with X.
What is the third word beginning with X? Xenophobe! Xenophobia, well done, chap.
Very good.
Xenophobia is the third word beginning with X.
Xenophobia, the irrational fear of foreigners.
I would give anything to have an ABC in which the word for X was xenophobia.
Just to turn that page and go, "Look at those faces.
"They're different, aren't they, those faces? "How does that make you feel inside? "You're not sure how it makes you feel inside? "You don't know what they want? "They want your job.
" Then there are the things that we teach kids and the only reason we teach them to kids is because our parents taught them to us, and I am calling bullshit on one of those tonight.
Oh, yeah.
Specifically, elbows off the table.
Excuse me, but what is the problem with an elbow on a table? A table is elbow height.
It is the ideal place to stick an elbow.
You can rest them, you can swivel them, you can use them as base camp for the rest of the meal.
It is a fantastic thing to place an elbow.
And yet The reason we say, "Elbows off the table," to our kids is because our parents said, "Elbows off the table," to us.
And the reason they said, "Elbows off the table," to us is cos their parents said, "Elbows off the table," to them and frankly that's how religions get started.
No more.
Stick your elbows on the table, knock yourself out, enjoy yourself, right? Besides which, I'd imagine, if you went through the social history of it, you'd probably find out the whole elbows on the table, with respect to yourselves, is an English Victorian or Edwardian thing, that it was regarded as poor etiquette to show your elbows off in a kind of a "Oh, Mr Darcy, thank you for joining us at Cavendish Hall "for our annual Christmas celebration.
"Please come with me into the drawing-room.
"Elizabeth!" "How are you, Mr Darcy? "Have a look at that, Mr Darcy.
Do you like what you see?" "Elizabeth, don't bring shame upon this family.
" "Fuck you, Mammy.
I haven't got a husband.
"Plenty more where that came from, Mr Darcy.
" Elizabeth, why do you have a Dublin accent? And we learn things all the time.
We're always learning, always pushing back the levels of what we know.
You know me as a nerd, right? I'm always across all these things, whether it's space, technology, maths or whatever, or the brain - really excited about the brain at the moment.
There's a very big debate Sorry, getting nerdy for a second.
.
.
in the brain about a thing called the gendered brain, which is basically the scientific discussion of whether, on that continuum of male and female brains, whether there's genuinely a structural or chemical difference between the two, or whether it's just a societal thing.
It's the eternal question, right? And I'm not an academic.
I can't offer something academic to that but nonetheless I can offer one little observation about the male brain versus the female brain.
One thing that the male brain does that the female brain does not, and this is not meant in any way to say it's a better thing or a worse thing - it just is.
The male brain can enter a special state, a special altered mode where the chemicals of the male brain change dramatically.
It's not for long, it's just after an event, an event occurs and, for five minutes after the event, the male brain is a very different brain than it was just before the event.
Basically, there's a build-up to the event, the event and then after the event, and, after the event, it's a completely different universe that the male brain is inhabiting for five Most men have now gathered what I mean by the event, right? The event is a very happy event.
It's the event, it's a good event.
Let me put it on a medical term.
In Ireland, the medical term is getting the ride.
That is the term used.
The male brain is awash with hormones cos they're constantly going, "Will this lead to the ride? Find the ride.
"There must be a ride somewhere.
Any ride here? No ride here.
"Go over there.
Maybe there's a ride there.
" Constantly telling you to get the ride.
Then you get the ride and these chemicals fuck off somewhere, right? They leave you wandering around like you've been released from a hostage situation going, "What has happened here?" It's like the Matrix being switched off.
Suddenly, you see the universe as it truly is, including all the hideous decisions you've made, particularly in the build-up to the ride you've just had.
Who are you? What are we doing in this skip? Jesus, what was I thinking for the last half-hour? Ladies, if you want truth from a man, you have a five-minute window post-orgasm in which to ask him any question you want, right? And you've literally five minutes before the chemicals rush back in and the game begins again.
It is so profound and we should take this into account.
The worst thing it does, it offers clarity, and clarity is a terrible thing to have when it comes to sex.
Not just sex but to all the stuff around sex.
Can I apologise to every woman in this room for the ludicrous shite that you've had foisted upon you in the name of what we find horny? Some of which I know you only do in a kind of a cos you think it's an ironic little joke.
You know all that kind of boop-boopy-doo shit, right, that we'd occasionally get you to do cos you think it's a joke? You're going "Ha-ha-ha, this is kind of a funny joke, isn't it?" And we're going, "Yeah, yeah, just keep doing it.
" "No, but you're enjoying this on an ironic level.
" "Sure, whatever.
Just sing Santa Baby, one more time.
" I mean, lingerie is a perfect example of an entire global industry based around this.
Ludicrous clothing, right? If you're ever with a woman and she comes out dressed in lingerie and goes, "Is this what you like, is it? "This is what you like, is it?" you never feel more like an ape in a simian research laboratory as a kindly scientist from a superior species tries to fathom how your lower brain works.
"Is this what you like, is it? "Show me on the flash cards if this is what you like.
" "Banana.
Banana.
"Tyre on a rope, tyre on a rope, banana, banana, tyre on a rope.
" I mean, stockings are a great example of this.
A ridiculous item of clothing, but incredibly specific.
This is where the sexy is.
This exact height is where the sexy is.
Don't be going lower than this, though.
You've gone below the knee.
Pop socks, fuck off, no.
What? How do we go from, "This is the best thing you could possibly" to, "This is the worst thing you could ever wear"? That is an eight-inch journey from one part of the leg to another.
"Yes, yes, yes.
No! No! No! "Oh, I love it, love it.
"Ah, Jesus, put on some slippers and a housecoat "and let's knock the whole thing on the head.
"Bring it up, bring it up, over the knee.
"Oh, lovely.
Japanese schoolgirl, loving it.
"French maid, saucy.
"No, you've gone too far.
You've gone too far now.
Right.
" "You said lift it up, is this too far?" "Yes, yes, back down again.
"This is where the sexy lives.
This exact specific height is where" What? What is it in men communally, at some primal level, that makes us go, "Do you know what I like? "I like a woman who looks like she's been partially dipped in ink"? Ladies, you need to get your revenge, right? You need to find something which is as ludicrous, as nonsensical as the stuff that we have made you wear and do and act like in the name of sexiness.
And I know it won't be something you find genuinely erotic.
Just pick a thing.
Pick a thing, just decide among yourselves and declare this to be the most erotic thing you could possibly see on a man.
Just decide.
Like a glove that goes up to mid arm, right? Suddenly announce this is the most sexy thing and, every birthday and Christmas, buy us another pair of these and we'll get the box and shake it and go, "Hang on, what's in here?" And we'll open up and go, "Is this another pair of these, is it?" And you go, "Put them on! "Put on your gun shows and let's have a look at you.
" And make us walk around the bedroom going, "Is this what you like, is it? "Are you sure? Are you sure you find this sexy? "I'm not sure you find this sexy at all.
" "I love it.
Now take something off the shelf over there.
" "Feck off, you're taking the piss now, right.
Are you sure?" "I love it.
It's the sexiest thing ever.
Keep walking around the room.
" "Oh, come on now.
Can I at least wear the black ones? "The red ones make me feel slutty.
" "Put them on.
Now do the dirty thing.
" "I will not do the dirty thing.
"This should be enough for you now what you're seeing here.
" "Do the dirty thing.
It's Mammy's night.
Do the dirty thing, right?" "OK, I'll do the dirty thing but don't tell anyone I did it.
"Look at my elbows!" We have a fabulous show.
The laughs will hopefully just keep going and going as this goes on, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm going to bring out a lady who we've had on Mock The Week a number of times and she's always aced it every single time.
It's a joy to have her here.
Please, take the roof off the place for Zoe Lyons, ladies and gentlemen! Hello, Apollo.
I've made an effort this evening.
I'm wearing a bit of make-up.
I don't wear make-up every day.
I don't think you should, as a woman.
Do you agree with that, girls? Yes.
I think it's dangerous if you wear it every day, cos that's the face you become used to seeing, isn't it? I've got a mate who wears a lot of make-up every day and then there's that one day when you see them without any make-up at all and then you have to hide the horror on your face .
.
when they open the door sans make-up and you're like, "Oh, my God, where are your eyes?! "Where are your eyes? "You've got tiny, little eyes.
"They're usually so big and purpley.
"They're like two little peas floating in a pasta bowl.
" Don't spend money on beauty products, girls.
It's not worth it.
You know, cos you can spend a fortune on these things.
I picked one up the other day, I looked at the label, it said in the fine print, "Can reduce the visible signs of ageing.
" I thought, "Well, I don't need that.
" I don't need that.
I'll tell you why I don't need that.
Because if anybody is offended by my visible signs of ageing, I simply get them to back up.
That's what I do.
I use a little thing called distance.
It's clinically proven to massively reduce .
.
those visible signs of ageing.
Distance, by L'Oreal.
Cos I'm worth it.
We expect too much from products these days.
We really do.
We expect ridiculous things from products.
I picked up a thing the other day.
I found in a pharmacy the other day, stress-relieving shampoo.
Think about that combination of words.
Stress-relieving shampoo.
I mean, I understand the words individually.
You put them together, that doesn't make any sense whatsoever, does it? At what point does a hair cleanser become the answer to your stresses as a human being, tossed about in a daily sea of shit? When do you suggest to a mate that they use stress-relieving shampoo? At what point? Do you wait for them to come up to you and go, "Oh, Zo, Zo, it's all gone tits up, mate.
"Wife's left me, the kids hate me, business has gone under, "I'm going to lose the house, I'm drinking too much.
"I can't see myself carrying on"? Is it at that point .
.
as a responsible mate, you interject with, "Mate "Can't be that bad.
"Have you thought about using ".
.
some eucalyptus and spearmint stress-relieving shampoo? "I mean, I don't know whether it can help you with the divorce.
"You might need a conditioner for that but ".
.
it's worth a try, isn't it?" When you start looking at the wording in adverts then you start to realise what nonsense they are.
Even second-hand adverts, things for second-hand products.
I was online the other night looking for a second-hand car, right? I was using a well-known internet website looking for a second-hand car.
I found a car I was interested in, had a little picture of the car, all the stats you'd need, all the information about the car, all the figures you'd need, right? But in addition to that, it had along the side, just a little tagline, it just said, "One lady owner.
" I thought, "What? What does that actually mean? "What are they trying to say?" One lady owner.
What they're trying to say is that you're going to be buying a slightly better car because it's been owned by a lady.
It doesn't actually make any sense, that, does it? You just think, "Surely it depends on who the lady was.
" Just a lady.
It was just a lady.
I'm just suggesting if it was Boadicea, the alloys might be slightly knackered, that's all.
It's the word "lady" as well in there that really grates with me.
Lady.
It makes it sound like we all just drive around in bonnets, doesn't it, girls? White gloves with a freshly baked Battenberg steaming away on the passenger seat beside us, as an overly friendly Yorkshire terrier bounces up and down playfully in the window.
We listen to opera on a cassette, driving like a lady.
It's bullshit and I can tell you that for a fact because when I sell the car that I own at the moment I can legitimately use the strap line "one lady owner" and I'll tell you exactly what that means.
It means last month I drove it for half an hour with the handbrake on.
That's what that means.
Half an hour.
We've all done five minutes.
Half an hour is resisting any information the car is trying to give you, isn't it? I managed to convince myself I was driving behind a mobile barbecue.
I was like, "Smokey, smokey.
" So something else happened recently that I'd never thought would happen for me.
I got married very recently.
Ooh! They changed the law - we now have equal marriage in this country.
Meant I could marry my girlfriend of 17 years.
Thank you.
I'm very happy.
She's very, very lucky and Equality within marriage.
That's a whole different parade, isn't it? Come on, don't tell me I'm the only person in this room that's ever looked at their other half and thought to themselves, "I'm probably the better one in this relationship.
" I mean, you wouldn't say it, would you? But you've thought it, haven't you? Probably the team leader of this little outfit we've got going on here.
She's Dutch, my wife.
She speaks brilliant, brilliant English.
They're fabulous, the Dutch, when it comes to languages, so it makes it doubly funny when she gets something wrong.
We were at home a few weeks ago, watching a programme about people in persistent vegetative comas and AUDIENCE MURMUR I know.
We don't have Netflix.
You've got to watch what's on.
Literally a slave to the schedule.
It was quite upsetting, obviously, given the subject matter, and at one point I turned to the wife, she's having a little cry, I was like, "Oh, God, awkward.
" I said, "Are you all right? Are you all right?" She turned to me and she went, "I'm not, Zoe, I'm not.
"I'm finding this very upsetting, and I need you to promise me "something after watching this documentary.
" I said, "I will promise you anything, my darling.
"What is it you need me to promise you?" She went, "I need you to promise me "that if you truly love me ".
.
you will switch me off ".
.
if I ever become a vegetarian.
" Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so, so very much.
It's been an absolute pleasure.
So much fun.
I've enjoyed it.
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, Zoe Lyons! Let's keep that going as I bring on a man here who has filled this very room on his national tour this year.
He's actually riding a wave at the moment.
Please give it up for the very funny Paul Chowdhry, ladies and gentlemen.
Yeah.
What's happening? CHEERING You good? Yeah.
Just grew a bit of a beard, innit? Just while I was waiting to go on.
Some guy called me "The Father" other day.
I can't even make cakes.
I like it.
I haven't got much patience.
I am becoming the geezer that'll go to a restaurant "Would you like a table?" "No, I've come here to watch people eat.
"Forget the table, I'll do this shit on the floor.
" I'm in a supermarket, I'm in a queue, people come up to me, "Are you in the queue, mate?" "No, I'm just standing behind 28 people with a basket full of food.
"Maybe I didn't leave a big enough gap between his arse and my groin.
"Next time I'll get in his basket.
"So you know I'm in the queue.
" I get to the front of the till, "Would you like a bag?" "I've got 45 pounds-worth of shopping here.
"No, forget the bag, I'll eat this shit right now.
"Get me some cutlery.
We're going to be here for a long time.
" Just pour that milk into my pockets and stick that pineapple on my head.
I mean, I grew up in the '80s, man, with proper homophobia around, you know? Guys couldn't come out in the '80s.
You couldn't come out, could you, in the '80s? Very different time.
America is even worse.
America's got a scheme called Pray Away The Gay.
They think if you're gay they can take you to a church and pray the gay out of you.
Surely if you're that confused about your sexuality, the last thing you want to do is kneel in front of a priest.
It's going to make matters worse.
Who agrees with gay marriage? Who disagrees with gay marriage? They're not going to say it now, are they? I think gay marriage is wrong.
Cos if gay marriage catches on, soon we're going to have gay arranged marriages .
.
and I don't need that crap in my life.
Your dad's going to be like, "I introduced you to 50 girls.
"You said no.
Now bring the boys.
" Apparently we were all going to get wiped out by Ebola earlier this year, remember that? We were supposed to all get killed by Ebola.
What happened to Ebola? As soon as a white guy caught it, they found a cure.
"Thank God for David.
"Billions of us dead.
"David catch it, we are saved now.
"He is our saviour.
" It's like with CNN, this whole situation I heard about this other girl, Malala Yousaf.
You hear about her? She won a Nobel Peace Prize.
This girl got shot in the head by the Taliban and still got ten GCSEs.
I always used to get compared to other people as children.
When you get compared to Malala Yousaf, there's no coming back from that, is there? "Malala Yousaf got ten GCSEs "and she was dead! "Even dead people are more clever than you!" "I got a C.
" "Yeah, you can "C" yourself out of this family.
"What about the B?" "Yeah, B for bastard.
" She's got 15,000 likes on Facebook, you know that, Malala Yousaf? But Kim Kardashian has got 25 million likes on Facebook and no-one even knows what she does for a living.
What is she famous for? Having a massive arse.
His name's Kanye West.
I don't like it when people blame things on racism, though.
It's like I was watching this programme on BBC One about parking tickets.
A guy goes, "You gave me a ticket, bruv, innit? "You gave me a ticket cos I'm not white, bruv.
"It's cos I'm not white I got a ticket.
" I'm like, "Mate, you parked in a bus lane.
"It's cos you're not red.
" Cos I was born in the '70s.
Times have changed now.
Who was born in the '70s? Yeah? '80s? '90s? Yeah? How old are you? That's nice.
What was your favourite TV programme when you were growing up? Favourite TV show.
Teletubbies? Rosie And Jim? Yeah? Rosie And Jim fans in tonight.
Yeah.
What was your favourite TV programme? - Hannah Montana.
- Hannah Montana.
That turned out well, didn't it? We were born in the '70s.
You know what we used to watch when we were kids? Paedophiles on TV! Fingermouse.
Followed by Bagpuss.
You know who Rolf Harris is? Yeah, I do.
You want to know why he's inside today? Go home, YouTube Rolf's Cartoon Club.
We used to watch that every day.
All you see is I think I should leave now.
You've been a great crowd.
Thanks a lot.
Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Chowdhry.
What a night we've had here at the Hammersmith Apollo, legendary location for top-quality stand-up comedy.
Have you had a good night? Give it up for Zoe Lyons.
For Paul Chowdhry.
I'm Dara O Briain.
Good night.
Thank you very much.
That's all from Live At The Apollo.
Good night.