M*A*S*H (MASH) s11e02 Episode Script

Yeah, rather than sing, "Supermouth" why not try leaping off a tall building with a single bound? Can't help it, Charles.
My voice is more powerful than a locomotive.
Well, Clark, how do I look? Hyuh! Hyuh! - Oh, the classic clown.
- Careful.
Care Watch the record Big nose, baggy pants.
And wherever did you get those gigantic, ridiculous feet? Ah, from my father's side his sister, Selma.
Will you hurry up? We gotta get over to Rosie's before the marines start eating the bar.
I hope these guys aren't the same ones from last Halloween who wound up playing pin the tail on the bartender.
The very same the Pusan Piranhas.
This year, they had to promise to let their hair down.
You sure you won't reconsider, Charles? Sounds like your kind of crowd.
As long as you're already wearing a mask.
Thank you, no.
I'm on duty tonight.
I have no doubt that an evening of illness and human suffering will be infinitely more entertaining.
- Hey, guys.
Can one of you come and look at - Klinger! Do you realize how many "zoots" had to be killed to make that one suit? You like it? My Uncle Habib gave it to me.
He had some business setbacks.
He won't be needing it for one to five years.
They should let him out and lock up the tailor.
Will you guys knock it off? The Piranhas have landed at Rosie's and already we got their first casualty.
I'm sorry.
I don't remove tattoos.
- How about billiard balls? - What? A marine got one stuck in his mouth.
- That must have been some shot.
- Can he breathe? Yeah, he's fine.
You need a bazooka to kill those guys.
He bet someone that he could put a pool ball in his mouth and then take it out.
- He was half right.
- Maybe it'll keep him quiet for a while.
The other guys said he pulls these stunts all the time.
But he needs a doctor.
Well, this certainly doesn't look like a job for Superman.
Certainly wouldn't want some clown to handle him.
Hyuh, hyuh, hyuh.
- Is there a doctor in the house? - I don't believe it.
- A pool ball? In the mouth? - Yep.
Mm-hmm.
And people say Americans are crude.
- Aw, come on, Charles.
Where's your Halloween spirit? Halloween spirit? At any moment, a wounded soldier could come in here truly needing my services, and what am I doing? I am treating some "leatherbrain" who literally decided to have a ball.
I will show him some Halloween spirit.
Hello.
I'm Dr.
Winchester.
And your name is? Would that be with one "M" or two? Of course.
Three.
Now, then.
What seems to be the problem? Now, my dear lad, don't be shy.
The doctor is your friend.
Oh.
You seem to be a bit congested.
- Feel a little frog in your throat? - Uh-uh.
- Could you Could you cough for the doctor, please? - Mm-mmm! My dear man.
How can I discover what's wrong with you if you will not cooperate? Oh, I see.
You want me to take your temperature.
I can do that.
Gadzooks! Do you realize you have something in your mouth? What on earth could that be? Oh, lookee a little "6" painted on it.
Could that be how old you are? Oh! Now I see.
You may not realize this but you have a pool ball lodged in your mouth.
No sweat.
There is an alternative.
I'll just take your temperature the other way.
Well, don't get mad at me, chum.
If you didn't have that silly pool ball in there I could stick the thermometer in your mouth.
Wait a minute.
I got a crazy idea.
This just This just might work.
What if I were to remove the ball? Now, how would I do that? Let's see.
What to do? I know.
- I shall pull all your teeth.
- Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Come on, sport.
Are you a marine or a mouse? I could use a muscle relaxant.
That ought to do the trick.
But it is the wimp's way out.
Be forewarned, Private Mosconi.
The next time we meet, I plan to perform major surgery whether you need it or not.
Gee, Beej, I thought you'd have one of those cute, little clown cars for us.
- Bozo Jr.
's using it tonight.
- Oh.
Howdy, pardners.
Goin' our way? If it isn't Buffalo Bob and Madame Woo! Now I know why cowboys are bowlegged.
Chaps chafe.
My, my.
That's quite a dress you don't have on.
- What a waste of my X-ray vision.
- Now shut your flap.
- You gotta admit, that slit is as high as an elephant's thigh.
When will you two ever get out of puberty? - He's in puberty.
I'm in love.
- Germ.
Attention, all personnel.
Attention, all personnel.
Some party guests have arrived dressed as wounded soldiers.
Party crashers.
Too bad the enemy was dressed to kill.
- I need a doctor here.
I've got a belly wound.
- Pre-op.
Stat.
What's with the toe tag? Battalion Aid sending their dead? Battalion Aid had to move back.
We were the only way to get 'em out.
- I need a doctor here! - Hunnicutt, help the living.
- This kid's a Catholic.
Where's Father Mulcahy? - He's at the orphanage.
Having a Halloween party for the kids.
- Call Graves Registration to come by for that boy.
- Yes, sir.
Halloween in Korea bobbing for shrapnel.
What in blazes is going on over there? The Piranhas probably found a winner for pin the tail on the bartender.
If they got returns on their empties they'd get a fortune on their heads.
- Now what? - Uh-oh.
I'd better go check.
It's gotta be the generator.
Maybe one of the marines tried to swallow it.
When I was a kid, Halloween wasn't for getting pie-eyed.
It was for getting the skivvies scared off of you.
Come now, Colonel.
Hobgoblins are the hobgoblins of little minds.
Oh, I don't know about that.
I've seen some pretty odd things in my day.
One night back in '39, Mildred had a dream that her brother, Calvin, came into the room sat down at the foot of her bed and shook his head at her kind of sadly.
It was so real, she felt she could reach out and touch him.
In the morning, we got a phone call that Calvin had died of a heart attack.
Mildred got on the phone to her sister, Louise.
Before she could get a word out Louise said, "It's bad news, isn't it?" She said, "I had a dream last night that Calvin came and sat at the foot of my bed and shook his head at me.
" Well, it's a sad tale, Colonel.
- But surely, coincidence explains it.
- Not to me it doesn't.
I got bad news and bad news.
The generator's on half power, but the bullets are full strength.
There's more wounded in the compound.
You see to it that every unnecessary light in this camp is doused.
I'm free.
Anyone else? Aw, Colonel, it's dark out there.
Don't worry, son.
I'll hold your hand.
I'll take this one.
What happened, son? A few of us were on patrol.
Someone stepped on a mine.
My leg feels like it's on fire.
Compound leg fracture.
Prep him.
And be careful.
I don't like the way that bone's stickin' out there.
You're gonna be fine.
Just relax.
- How are you doin', pal? - I guess I bumped my head, Doc.
Oh! Smells like you had a few dozen drinks to kill the pain.
Oh.
Well, us marines were just havin' a little party too.
Yeah, I know.
We almost called the cops on account of the noise.
Yeah, it was great.
Me and this corporal decided to have a little jeep race backward.
- Uh-huh.
- Boy! Don't ever race a jeep backward, Doc.
- I'll try to remember that.
- Oh, it was goin' great.
I was ahead Or was it behind? Anyway, this dumb chicken gets in the way so I swerved to miss it, and I did.
Unfortunately, I ran over the whole chicken coop.
Uh-huh.
Gee, I'm sorry to hear that.
- That's okay.
I won anyway.
- Mmm.
Just got a few shell fragments.
Ha! Come on, Wrong Way.
You're as funny as you are smart.
Thanks.
Geez, I got feathers everywhere.
So, my uncle is way out at sea.
His compass is broken, there's no radio, and there's a storm coming up.
Through the fog, he sees this old fishing boat The Luck of the Irish chugging along like it knows where it's going.
So he follows it, and it leads him safely back to port.
As my uncle is tying up, the boat turns around and sails off into the fog.
Boy, I'm all aquiver.
I'm not finished yet.
The next day, when he told the Coast Guard how he found his way back they told him The Luck of the Irish had broken up and sunk Oh, come on now, Pierce.
We're all adults here.
- Clamp.
- Wow.
Twenty years.
No.
Now.
Not in 20 years.
Now.
I don't know about you, Charles, but that certainly made my flesh crawl.
Good.
Have it crawl over to my place tonight.
You haven't got a prayer, even with the luck of the Irish.
Here's the X-ray of that compound fracture.
Damn.
I've been pokin' around people's bodies for 30 years but this is one thing I'll never get used to.
- What is it? - This protruding bone.
It can be removed completely.
He'll be better off without it.
- I don't understand.
- It ain't his.
It probably belonged to the man in front of him.
The mine explosion drove it right into this boy's leg like a spear.
- Oh, my God.
- More wounded in the compound.
They're litter to litter.
This kid would rather I didn't leave just now.
I'll go.
Close for me.
Actually, I'd prefer the privacy of a phone booth.
The way I see it, the army owes us so many coffee breaks we should get 1954 off.
- What have we got here? - Shoulder wound, Doctor.
That's not too bad.
How do you feel? - I'll live.
- You sure will.
Don't worry.
I've never lost a patient.
I never lose anything.
Have you seen my stethoscope? Hang in there.
- Better get some X-rays on him.
- Right.
He's so thin, you could probably just hold him up to the light.
Prepare some Emergency! Emergency over here! Can't somebody at least cover up this poor guy? I'll get a sheet.
Corpsman, help me over here.
Take him right into pre-op.
After her husband's funeral, she decided to take a picture of the car wreck for insurance purposes.
When the photo came back from the drugstore standing in front of the car was her husband wearing the suit she'd bought to bury him in.
You know, what's frightening is that so many idiots could be in one room at the same time.
Doctor, I'm getting an irregular pulse.
What were his electrolytes? - Didn't get any in pre-op.
- What's goin' on? It's that skinny kid.
We put him under, and now he's got an arrhythmia.
If he had any dysrhythmia, he wouldn't have passed his army physical.
There's no time to call his draft board.
We gotta get him stabilized.
- Draw some blood.
Get a set of electrolytes.
- He's doing a little better.
Let's get this finished up as soon as possible.
We're shifting into overdrive.
It's your neighborhood broken record - We got wounded.
We got wounded.
- Damn! - Shrapnel in the leg.
- Excuse me.
Sir, I'm lookin' for the C.
O.
Look no further.
Give him morphine.
I understand you have a marine corporal here Hrabosky.
- He came in earlier.
- Him and a lot of others.
This is the one who had the jeep accident backed into a chicken coop.
- Not now, Sergeant.
- I'll only take a second, sir.
That man should be considered a prisoner and confined to his bed.
Sergeant, see this red all over my hands? - I ain't been painting! - Give me a break, Colonel.
You know how touchy the army is about this sort of thing.
We ain't only responsible for those chickens, but for all the eggs they would've laid.
Listen, damn it! We got enough wounded here to hold us through W.
W.
IV.
I personally have a dozen types of blood squishing in my boots! I am tired, I am discouraged and I don't give a damn about any blessed chickens! Got it? Colonel, we're Graves Registration.
- That's him.
- Sign here, sir.
Sure, why not? He's just another number, right? - Sir? - Forget it.
Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to keep you boys from getting any busier.
What a grouch.
The old man must have saddle sores.
Yeah.
Well, let's get him loaded up and then get some coffee.
Good idea.
I'm dead on my feet.
Here are the test results, Doctor.
Yeah, I thought so.
His electrolytes are lousy.
The potassium's real low.
I'm not surprised.
This kid's about 20 pounds underweight.
- Malnutrition? - That's all I can figure.
We gotta get some food into this guy.
Be the first time the mess tent ever saved a life.
- I don't wanna hear it, Klinger.
- I don't wanna say it, sir.
- Major.
- Oh, damn.
Good heavens.
More "Halloweenies.
" Guess I had a little accident, sir.
Of course.
You were dropped on your head when you were a child.
- What happened recently? - I sure made a mess out of my hand, sir.
I hope you got the license number of the jaw that jumped in front of this.
It wasn't a jaw.
It was a fan.
A fan? Oh, a rabid admirer, eh? Uh-uh.
Electric fan.
I bet this guy at Rosie's I could stick my hand in it and pull it out before it got all sliced up.
Congratulations.
You've just answered the question What is the lowest form of marine life? Well, you're lucky.
There doesn't seem to be any tendon damage.
I want you to go through that door right there, see tell the nurse you have a boo-boo, and she'll clean that out for you.
Just for the hell of it, have your head x-rayed.
See if anything shows up.
You're one in a million, Doc.
That means so much coming from you.
Hi.
I brought you something.
Voila pumpkin pie.
I almost became a casualty saving the last piece for you.
- It's not bad.
- Take it away, Doc.
You're suffering from malnutrition.
- You really ought to try to eat something.
- I don't want it.
Go ahead.
It's delicious.
Hey! What gives? Nothin'.
I know our food is lousy, but nobody does that without a damn good reason.
Come on.
Whatever's bothering you is not gonna go away unless you talk about it.
A couple of weeks ago, we were in heavy fighting near Heartbreak Ridge.
We held off a bad Chinese assault for days.
They threw everything they had at us even hand-to-hand combat but we stood our ground.
When they finally withdrew, our C.
O.
Was real proud of us.
He thought we deserved an early Thanksgiving, so We got some turkey sent down special.
Even had stuffing.
And Bertleson, Wooster, Greenwade and me found ourselves an empty foxhole started to chow down.
It was the, uh It was the first laugh we'd had in weeks.
I ate real fast I didn't wanna miss out on seconds.
I was standing in the chow line gettin' my tray loaded down again, and all of a sudden, there's an artillery burst.
Just for a minute, you know? When I ran back to the foxhole my buddies were dead.
Every one of'em.
They all looked so surprised.
I'd be dead, too, if I if I hadn't been such a pig.
And you haven't eaten since then, huh? I can't even look at food.
Look, Scala I know it's rough, but if you don't eat you could die.
I know a doctor Sidney Freedman.
He helps people work things out.
He's got a shoulder big enough for the whole world to lean on.
I'd like you to talk to him.
What do you say? How could anybody make me forget what happened? Nobody forgets what happens here.
The secret is learning to live with it.
For all of us.
Hiya, Father.
You look pretty beat.
Boy, those children sure ran me ragged.
You don't look so invincible yourself.
Yeah, well, things got a little hectic here too.
- Oh, my.
Casualties? - A lot.
- Any deaths? - Just one, and he came in dead.
As a matter of fact, he was Catholic.
Well, is he still here? He should get Last Rites.
Yeah, he's, uh I think those guys are taking him now.
Oh.
Hey! Hold that truck! What is it, Father? The dead soldier you're carrying He hasn't had Last Rites.
Okay, Father.
I guess that's the least we can do for him.
Thanks.
Oh, my God.
Hawkeye! Gentlemen, I want to thank you for ta Gentlemen.
Hi.
I want to thank you for taking up the time we would normally have frittered away on casualties of a far less ludicrous nature than yours.
You will undoubtedly be returning to the "pool halls" of Montezuma.
And you, to receive advanced training in "hand-to-fan" combat.
Gee, Major, we were just lettin' off a little steam.
Well, perhaps, sometime in the future - you might try to act a little more like mature adults.
From now on, I promise I'll try to act just like him.
Well, he is from California.
Shh.
- How's he doing? - He seems to be resting easy.
I just can't believe that Battalion Aid declared him dead.
Well, I wouldn't condemn those folks at Battalion Aid so fast.
They're movin' out, all hell is breaking loose.
A man comes through with no pulse, no heartbeat more holes in him than a golf course You'd have thought somebody here would have checked him out.
Once you see that toe tag, you gotta assume he's got both feet in the grave.
It's the first time I've heard of where being dead wasn't terminal.
Welcome to the club, Padre.
You saved a life.
Well, no.
I Well, I guess I was in communication with the one who did.
Weird.
I've never seen anything like it.
This is definitely one ghost story nobody's gonna top.
Pierce? Hunnicutt? Did you hear that? Mmm.