It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s11e03 Episode Script

CHARLIE: Holy shit! Holy shit, that is steep.
Trust me, this is the best way to learn.
CHARLIE: See, this is why I don't like leaving Philly, man.
This is nuts.
You're gonna be fine, man.
The mountain is a majestical place where you push your limits and you maximize your potential.
No, the mountain is a place where you party, man, have fun.
That's what it's all about.
Yeah, like those '80s movies.
Yeah, but we're not in a movie.
I mean, we're gonna get hurt.
We're not gonna get hurt.
For some reason, the rules are just different on the mountain.
The rules for what? Everything, dude.
You've seen those '80s movies.
What do I do with my hands? How do I ski? Well, you're supposed to have poles.
Uh You know what, hold on to these guys for balance.
These are glass.
Yeah.
And don't break 'em, bitch.
What is this, a double black diamond? I wish it was a triple black.
Dudes, let's shred.
(wind whistling) I remember One girl Saw her again In a magazine Front cover Big star Showing things That I'd never seen Well, maybe (whooping) Whoo, yeah! Still got it, baby! Rip city! Wonder how Charlie's doing.
Oh, here he comes.
(yelling) DEE: Whoa! Whoa! Uh (laughs) Yeah! (cheering, whooping) MAN (over P.
A.
): Another beautiful day at Alpine Ridge.
End of the season is right around the corner, so get those turns in while you can, and don't forget to sign up for the big race this Sunday, which will determine the best skier on the mountain.
CHARLIE: That was totally insane.
I mean, I can't believe you guys can ski like that.
Hmm? It's just nuts.
I'm not doing it again, man.
What are you talking about? It's so dangerous.
No.
You did a great job, man.
Hey, look, is your body hurt? No.
You okay? Yeah.
That's 'cause it's mountain rules, man.
I don't get that, though.
I just feel like I got lucky.
Nah.
You just need to learn to use your edges a little bit more.
Learn to turn DEE: Right down the mountain! Après-ski! Let's get our drink on! No, I don't think I'm gonna be doing that.
I'm gonna get a sensible meal, head back to my room, log in my times, chart my progress, 'cause I'm gonna win.
Win what? At skiing.
MAN: Oh, hey.
What's shakin', brother? Oh, what's shakin'? Well, I'll tell you what's shakin'-- these skis, quite literally.
Now, I need these things waxed and sharpened by 8:00 a.
m.
I want to make first tracks.
No problemo.
Anything else? You guys need helmets? Uh, I'll take a helmet.
While you're back there, could you slap a sticker on the side of mine that says "pussy"? Yeah, I feel you, babe, but those are the rules.
Whatever, dude.
Probably what makes skiing so fun is that your brains could get bashed in, in any moment.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, it didn't used to always be this way.
This used to be Party Mountain.
Hot babes, cold brews.
And now I hear some corporate stooge wants to turn this place into a private resort for rich CEOs.
They can't do that to Party Mountain.
It's not called Party Mountain.
It's called Alpine Ridge.
There's one of those yuppie vultures now.
MAC: Don't worry.
We got this covered.
Show this fat-cat asshole what's what! Eat this, bitch! (laughing) MAC: Oh, shit.
What'd you do that for? DEE: Oh, sorry, Frank.
We thought you were some jerk-off who bought the mountain.
I am the jerk-off who bought the mountain.
What?! I'm turning it into a members-only resort for millionaires to plow their trophy whores in private.
Whoa! That sounds amazing, Frank.
I'm in.
I'm in.
What are you talking about? And ruin Party Mountain? MAC: You know, who cares about your stupid plans? Let's go rage, Dee.
Hang on a second.
I-I'm, like, so lost.
So, uh, who do I go with in this situation? Well, that depends, Charlie.
You could go drink cheap beer amongst swine and savages, like you would on any other day, or you could get the most out of this mountain.
And you could get the most out of yourself by joining an elite class of athletes and gentlemen alike.
Right, Frank? Yes.
Huh.
That sounds kind of cool.
Yeah.
All right, you guys go-- why should I go with you? Go with them.
Who cares? We're here for two days.
You guys it is! All right.
Hey-yo! Hey, man.
Remember us from the ski shop? Ah, the party guys! Hey! Yeah! Come on in.
Yeah! Yeah! Awesome.
Awesome.
Well looks like you guys had a real shit-kicker last night, huh? Rager! Oh, oh, the cans.
No, no, we're just recycling to help pay the rent.
Oh.
Mm.
That's my roommate, Turkey.
We call him Turkey, 'cause his favorite drink is Wild Turkey.
Awesome! Yes! Oh, badass! Like your suit, too.
What are you, coming from a Gatsby party? No, I was in court all day.
I was trying to win back custody of my daughter.
Oh.
Mm.
(chuckles): That's a bit of a downer.
Yeah.
Yeah, pretty much.
Hey.
Hey, Roach.
Roach, come meet some people.
Who stole my goddamn burrito? No, it's there, Roach.
I just moved it to make room for my coleslaw.
Look.
Did you mess with it? Did you come in it? Did you come in my burrito?! I didn't come in your burrito! I wouldn't do that to you! He's a little squirrelly from the concussions.
Like I said, no helmets back in the day.
Guys, I got to admit, this is, uh it's not as much of a party vibe as it is a, uh A pathetic vibe.
Yeah.
MAC (chuckles): Yeah, I mean, come on, this used to be Party Mountain, you know, and and Babe Manor, that's the capital of Party Mountain.
Yeah.
When was the last time you even had a babe in here? Oh, uh my daughter stopped by about six weeks ago.
Served me a court summons.
I say count it.
No, don't.
Don't count it.
Oh, guys, guys, guys, guys, don't you miss the old days, when you were the kings of this mountain? You used to rip sweet powder, then come home and crush brews.
I do.
Let's take back this mountain! Why don't you guys dig deep and show me those inner party animals.
Let's crush some brews! Let's empty some cans! Yeah! Whoo! Yeah! Hey, hey, hey! Rent money! No, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
Whoa, no, no.
Drink 'em.
Drink 'em.
Oh, yeah, it's been so long, I forgot.
Let's drink 'em, Whoo! then recycle! Yeah! Sure.
Yeah.
Okay.
FRANK: high-speed lifts, five-star lodging, and a state-of-the-art spa.
Snow Palace.
Well, Frank, it's marvelous.
Thank you.
There's only one thing missing.
What's that? The Dennis Reynolds Ski Academy.
CHARLIE: Could be a a good idea to get a model of that.
What are you doing? Hmm? What are you doing, eating a tree? Yeah, I thought this was made out of candy.
It's a plastic tree, Charlie.
It's not made out of candy.
You said that this was a candy model.
I never said it was a candy model.
I believe I heard you mention it was a model made out of candy.
FRANK: Well, let's just focus on the banquet that I'm having tomorrow night to entice local investors.
It'd be a good idea to get a model of the banquet.
We could make that candy.
I'd like to get a visual on that banquet.
And we may as well make it candy.
It should be candy.
All right, look, forget about the model, all right? Let's not talk about the model.
The only model that you should know is Tatiana.
Tatiana, come in here.
Meet Tatiana.
She came all the way from Bulgaria to hand-deliver her finest caviar.
Nicely done, Frank.
She'll be a fitting reward for me after I win the big race.
Until then, Tatiana, I want you to clean yourself, for I will enter you hard and deep, and it will last for as long or as short as I please.
But you will be clean.
Only when you are clean will you know my power.
(cheering, music playing in distance) What the hell is that? It sounds like a party.
(Kenny Loggins' "Footloose" playing) Go, go, go, go, go, go! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! (whooping) Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! This is so great.
I can't thank you enough.
I feel alive again.
And look at all the cans.
We're gonna be rich! You got to drop it with the cans, all right? Nobody cares about the cans.
Really.
Yep.
Oh, okay, well, what about these cans? Oh! Oh, my God! You can't do that! You can't do that.
Though they don't seem to mind.
They look like they're really enjoying it.
Yeah, mountain rules, baby! Everybody get your tits out! (cheering) Hell yes! He just said, "Take your tits out," Yeah.
and they all just took their tits out.
Yeah, I'm gonna keep mine in, just for now.
(music stops) Party's over, burnout.
Whoops.
Frank Reynolds.
Wow.
It's been How they hanging, Drisko? Uh, I lost one of 'em.
Prostate thing.
You know.
Yeah, yeah, me, too.
It's still bouncing around in there, but it don't do nothing.
I'm gonna stop this.
You guys know each other? We skied together.
This mountain wasn't big enough for both of us.
Loser of the big race was banned for 30 years.
Looks like old Frank here let his mouth write a check his ass couldn't cash.
(crowd oohing) Huh.
Well, I just wrote another check.
To buy the mountain.
(crowd groaning) How 'bout we race for the mountain? Or are you scared you'll lose? (oohing) I don't race no more.
I let my son race for me.
Oh! Really? Your son, huh? Don't think you can beat me? Oh, I'll beat you.
You better go enjoy your party while it lasts.
It's gonna be your last one.
Burnout.
(cackles) MAN (over P.
A.
): Last day to squeeze in some turns before tomorrow's big race.
On a side note, it's good to see Frank Reynolds back on the hill.
We'll see if he can patch things up with old rival, Dave Drisko.
But I wouldn't count on it.
Yo, hey, Dennis, did you just hear that? What? The-the P.
A.
announcement.
What-what was that? Well, there's a lot of people on this mountain, Charlie.
Everybody's gotta stay informed.
Yeah, but that guy was, like, saying a bunch of, like, really personal information about us.
Like, how does he know that? Right.
That's how it works.
Why's he talking about us? There's, like, hundreds of people out here.
Well, we're the most important thing that's happening right now.
What? Look, I-I think I got something that's gonna clear this all up for you.
Meet my race team.
Where'd these guys come from? Switzerland? Yeah, but they came here and they're racing with us? I don't I-I don't understand that at all.
Well, I needed somebody to be behind me.
I mean, this guy's my kind of my captain, and these guys are my goons, you know? If I need 'em to do something for me, back me up, you know, if I'm getting into some And they just showed up and they're racing with you? Yeah.
All right.
No more questions.
Okay, good.
All right.
Uh, yeah, I-I Okay.
(scoffs) All right, now, listen up, guys.
Tomorrow's the big race.
And anything less than first place will not be tolerated.
In fact, it'll be punished.
But, remember, I want you to have fun.
But not if it means you're not gonna get first place.
'Cause I'll-I'll punish you.
All right, now go limber up, and I'll-I'll meet you at the chair.
Let's go, guys.
March, march, march.
Wow.
Uh, I got to hand it to you, looks like you got a pretty good team.
I think so, too.
Yeah, yeah.
Uh, look, I don't I don't get anything that's happening.
So, uh, I'm out, you know what I mean? And maybe we should drink some beer, eat some snow, and just (bottle shatters) What the hell, man? I'm disappointed in you.
I thought you were a champion.
Why? You showed me some real stuff out there, guy.
I was falling.
You were falling, but you were fast.
But I crashed into some tables.
Crashing and exploding is all part of the learning curve.
I could turn you into a champion, but that's clearly not what you want.
You want to just be a burnout and a loser like those other guys.
Dude, I don't even understand you, man.
Just, like, take it easy Where are those coming from? I'm out, dude.
Like, it's crazy to me.
I'm gonna hang out with Mac and Dee and see if I can figure them out, man Oh, yeah, yeah.
Go hang with those other two burnout losers.
Yeah, go ahead.
You know what your problem is, buddy? You got no allegiance.
We're here for two days! MAN (over P.
A.
): Look like Charlie Kelly's walking off the mountain and out of the big race, ladies and gentlemen.
He knows my name! He knows my name! DRISKO: Oh, yeah.
Here we go.
Take a look.
Oh, wow! Can you see through the wall? Yeah.
Yeah, you can see right through.
Okay, I think I'm getting it.
Yeah.
Yeah? Okay.
- Hey! I heard your guys' voices.
What are you guys doing in here? - DEE and MAC: Hey! We are in the middle of a prank war with Frank and Dennis.
Yeah.
All right, nice.
What's the prank? What's the prank? We're drilling a hole in the women's shower so we can look at 'em naked.
Yeah.
(laughing) Why? What-what does that have to do with Frank and Dennis? I don't know.
I don't know.
Well, nothing, really.
It's just a warm-up prank to get the juices flowing.
Yeah! (chuckling) Warm-up.
We're warming up.
I don't want to be a bummer, but I kind of don't get how spying on naked, unaware women is a prank at all.
MAC: Me, either.
Me, either.
Me, either.
Well, the real prank DEE: Mm-hmm.
is when I jam my dick through that hole and yell, "Special delivery!" Oh, dude, I don't think so.
CHARLIE: Oh, no.
You can't do that, man.
You'd get in a lot of trouble for something like that.
That's, like Yeah.
Maybe we can just do something that doesn't involve naked women.
Just You know, 'cause that's not fun for me.
How 'bout if I show you my dick? Why would I want that? Oh, okay, okay, it's a prank if you don't want to see it but he shows you anyway.
This guy gets it.
It's gonna be hilarious.
I think I get it.
I'm gonna get myself hard, and I will show you what I mean.
Hold on a sec.
Oh.
Oh.
(grunting) Oh, you bastard! You know what, if you guys are already hard, just go ahead of me and I'll-I'll just circle back.
Oh, God.
(Rick Springfield's "Jessie's Girl" playing) Jessie is a friend Yeah, I know he's been a good friend of mine But lately something's changed It ain't hard to define Jessie's got himself a girl CHARLIE: Shit.
And I want to make her mine And she's watching him with those eyes And she's loving him with that body I just know it Yeah, and he's holding her Hello, Charlie.
Oh, my God.
Uh, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to spy.
I was just walking by; I'm not a Peeping Tom.
Oh, Charlie, I do not mind.
We are on the mountain.
(chuckles): Yeah.
What does that mean? Everyone keeps saying, "We're on the mountain," but I-I don't get it, you know what I mean? Look, where I come from, you know, jamming your dick through a hole in the wall, that-that's assault, that's a felony, and, uh, it's just plain wrong.
Something bothering you, Charlie? You do not like my breasts? Uh, no, no, your breasts your breasts are great.
Do you want to jump in with me in the hot tub now? Yeah.
You know, um Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm gonna stop complaining about the mountain.
I'm just gonna, I'm gonna let the mountain work for me.
Now we're talking.
(laughing): My! Here we go.
You know, I wish that I had Jessie's girl I wish that I had Jessie's girl Where can I find a woman like that? Like Jessie's girl I wish that I had Jessie's girl Where can I find a woman Where can I find A woman like that? (playing jazz melody) MAN (over P.
A.
): Welcome to the annual big race.
Who will take home the top prize? Local free spirit Dave Drisko (loud cheering) or fierce new competitor Dennis Reynolds? (crowd jeering) The stakes are high because the loser today is walking off the mountain for 30 years.
Do you realize how important this race is, Dennis? Well, yeah, 'cause he just said how important it is.
I hope you got your bags packed.
I'm gonna get rid of you once and for all, Frank Reynolds.
I'm gonna save Party Mountain and bring back the glorious good old days.
MAN: Freeze! Police! David Drisko, you're under arrest.
MAC: Oh, shit! They framed Drisko so he couldn't do the big race! Oh, come on! This man has committed a litany of sexual assaults.
His semen was recovered from crime scenes all over the mountain.
Let's go, pal.
Lose the hat.
(gasps, groans, laughter) This guy might not be as cool as we thought he was.
Even his awesome hair is bullshit.
You forgot one charge.
What's that? Assaulting an officer! Never stop partying! Oh! That'll do.
You know? Let them keep thumping ass.
He probably deserves it.
Yeah.
Never stop partying.
Never stop partying! So which one of you losers wants to win a silver medal? Ugh.
Not me-- I got blasted last night.
I'm so sick.
I don't feel good, either.
I'd also like to remove myself from the sexual predator team.
(over P.
A.
): Well, I guess that does it.
The winner by default of the annual big race is CHARLIE: Not so fast! (crowd oohing and aahing) (chuckles) This is good.
So you gonna race for them? No, Dennis, I'm gonna race for everyone.
I want to race for the people.
(whooping, cheering) You see, last night Tatiana taught me all about Communism.
Cold, hard winters, gross soups.
She also taught me a lot about sex.
Sweet sex, amazing sex, a lot of sex, Jacuzzi sex, Dennis! Jessie's girl It was amazing.
So I get it now-- I like the mountain.
I understand the rules.
And I'm gonna shred.
Well this ought to be rich.
(chuckles) (cackling) (continues cackling) (mocking): Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! (cheering, whooping) He's-he's getting destroyed.
(loud crack) CROWD: Oh! Oh! My ankles are broken! (yells) My ankles are broken for sure! His ankles are broken! He has broken his ankles! Oh, they're surely broken! Charlie can still win! (cheering) Go, Charlie! MAC: Come on, Charlie! Little faster! Come on! A little faster, bud.
DEE: Straighten out! (grunting) No! No! No! No! (fierce yell) Yeah! Ah, shit! Okay.
DENNIS: I won! DEE: All right.
The mountain is ours, Frank! (laughing) Uh not exactly.
Uh actually, uh the whole Snow Palace thing was, uh, all for show.
(groans) Huh? I needed to distract the local environmentalist groups while I fracked the mountain.
Wh-Wh What?! You fracked the mountain? Yeah.
Yeah, the banquet, the race-- it was all set up.
It was just a diversion, it was a distraction, because I wanted to get into this hill and suck out its natural resources.
So all this here was just one big setup? Yeah.
I hired the hookers, so you could rip their tops off.
That makes sense.
Oh That makes a lot of sense.
So what do we do now? I'm good.
You want to you want to stick around, it's okay.
No.
It'd be good to go back to Philly, right? I mean I'm pretty tired.
It was quite a weekend.
Honestly, I don't even like skiing that much.
(groaning): I-I need to go see a doctor.
Yeah, I should probably see a doctor, too, actually, I guess, if Tatiana was a hooker.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, God, gross.
Yeah.
That's not good.
(groans) MAN (over P.
A.
): Well, folks, you heard it.
Frank fracked the mountain, and it looks like we'll all be out of jobs.
DENNIS: Oh God! So, did you even hire that guy? You know, Charlie, I have no idea who that guy is.
Huh.
I guess some things really are different on the mountain.
Yeah.
Uh-huh Whoo!