Would I Lie To You? (2007) s11e03 Episode Script

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Good evening, welcome to Would I Lie To You? The show with barefaced lies and well-masked truths.
On David Mitchell's team tonight, an actress who once worked as a children's clown.
She went from huge feet to Cold Feet.
It's Fay Ripley.
APPLAUSE And a DJ whose radio show is aimed at young, hip and with-it people.
I would listen but it clashes with The Archers.
It's Melvin Odoom.
APPLAUSE And on Lee Mack's team tonight, a presenter who once competed for Wales in gymnastics.
She literally bent over backwards for her country.
It's Gabby Logan.
APPLAUSE And a comedian whose first job was selling ice creams.
I bet he made hundreds and thousands.
It's James Acaster.
APPLAUSE And we begin, as always, with Round 1, Home Truths, where our panellists each read out a statement from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've never seen the card before, they've no idea what they'll be faced with and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
James, you're first up.
I once spent the night in a bush in Basingstoke.
LAUGHTER - David's team.
- Right.
- That's a true.
- Yes! LAUGHTER Definitely.
- APPLAUSE - Definitely.
Why were you spending the night in a bush in Basingstoke? I missed my train.
Where do you live? Well, at the time, I lived in Kettering, in Northamptonshire, - rose of the shires.
- Mm-hmm.
Why didn't you go to a luxury hotel? Well, David, at the time, I had no moneyin my wallet at all, and my phone was dead.
I had no way of contacting anyone.
- That certainly adds up.
- Why a bush? Why not a bench or, like, somewhere warmer than a bush? - Well - Is a bench warmer than a bush? I would say a bush is warmer than a bench.
I would have thought a bench is definitely colder than a bush.
- It's more exposed.
- There's an old saying, "You're warmer in a bush than on a bench.
" LAUGHTER So, where was the bush? Paint the picture of the local area.
It was right in front of the train station and there was, like, a little, like, pick-up point for taxis and stuff and then it went down a little bit to the road, and then right in front of the road, just a load of bushes.
So you didn't look for a long time for a particularly comfy spot.
I'll level with you, David.
The amount of time it took me to decide to sleep in the bush was embarrassingly short.
- Right.
- LAUGHTER Was it? Now, that does surprise me.
It was a quick decision.
You missed your train, and you go, "Right, that's it," and you immediately, like 14 seconds later, you're snoring.
Well, I actually didn't get to sleep.
It was scary.
I was freezing, actually, even though the bush It was a nice, roomy bush.
Can you remember the shape of the leaves? LAUGHTER It was, like, small, little, Basingstoke leaves.
- Individual leaves.
- Yeah.
Variegated? OK.
You have to explain what that word means.
LAUGHTER It means they're sort of There's a sort of white bit on the outside, I think.
I wasn't paying attention to the leaves.
I had bigger problems at the time.
I wasn't sitting in the bush going, "One day, I may have to justify "this entire experience on Would I Lie To You? "I'd better memorise the leaves and whether they're "gentrified," or whatever you said.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE - So, James, you've settled down in the bush - Yes.
.
.
and you're lying there, but it's cold.
- Oh, I'm sitting there.
- Sitting in the bush.
Sitting there, crossed-legged and cold.
I had a T-shirt on.
How were you going to get to sleep sitting? I was scared! - So I I hadn't really - What were you scared of? It was Friday night in Basingstoke, there were hoodlums around.
- The But - And all you had on was a T-shirt.
- And jeans.
- And jeans, of course.
- Yes.
I still feel like the bench is warmer.
LAUGHTER So, did anybody hear you in the bush, and come and investigate? At one point they did.
At one point, some hoodlums stopped outside the bush.
They said, "You know what we haven't done in a while? "We haven't "We haven't beaten someone up in a while.
" LAUGHTER That's how they speak, David.
Bullies speak like that to each other and I was in the bush and at the time I was wearing a red dress.
LAUGHTER What did you say? What? I was wearing a dress by now.
What? You said you were in a T-shirt.
Originally I was in a T-shirt and then I had to put a dress on.
LAUGHTER Why did you put a dress on? - Why? - It was cold.
Where did you get a dress from? - I had it in a bag.
- Why? I was making a short film and I had to buy the wardrobe for the cast.
You're in the bush, the hoodlums had moved on, they didn't beat you up.
I tricked them, I put the bag over my head.
You seriously put the bag over your head? Yeah, put yourself in my shoes.
They're saying they want to beat someone up.
If they look down and see me wearing a dress, - it'll be like Christmas.
- LAUGHTER So I put the bag over my head, and now if they look down, they'll think "Someone's left a bag - "and a dismembered body" - Hang on.
- ".
.
in a bush.
" - LAUGHTER People at home, don't put bags on your heads.
- No, no.
- Let's go back to the temperature of this bush now.
LAUGHTER You said you went into the dress for warmth, but surely the jeans and T-shirt were warmer than a dress.
There's a lot of ventilation.
I don't think I think, to be fair I don't think he took the jeans and T-shirt off.
Oh.
Oh, it wasdouble.
Double.
Yeah, he didn't slip out of the jeans and the T-shirt, fold them up nicely, at the time, and then get the dress and put it on and go, "Oh, I look wonderful.
" - LAUGHTER He wasn't doing that.
- Oh, right.
By the end of the night, he's wearing the jeans, the T-shirt, - the dress - BOTH: And the bag.
Oh.
- LAUGHTER - May I just say? It's lucky this didn't happen to Melvin because if so, he'd have been on a bench wearing a dress and nothing else.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Let's go for a guess.
Is he telling the truth? Melvin, what do you think? I think, looking at James, I can believe that he could put on a dress with a bag over his jeans and T-shirt, but a man that picks a bush over a bench, I can't trust.
LAUGHTER So on that basis, it's a lie.
Oh.
Fay.
I've got to absolutely say it's true.
True?! I'm believing every element, really.
- I'm going to go true.
- True.
- Yeah.
You're saying true.
Right.
James, was it true or was it a lie? It's - true.
- Whoa.
APPLAUSE Yes, it's true.
James did once spend the night in a bush in Basingstoke.
- Melvin, you're next.
- OK.
At school, I used to regularly pay my friend to clean my rubbers.
LAUGHTER You used to pay your friends to clean your rubbers.
It was just one friend.
How dirty can a rubber get? Nobody cleans a rubber.
- Oh, they get dirty, my friend.
- Do they? - Oh, yes.
What? Full of What, just lead, mainly? Full of Yeah, lead.
Don't you rub a dirty rubber against a clean piece of paper and it sort of cleans itself? No, what you're describing is the action of cleaning a rubber.
That is how you clean a rubber.
Oh, I see, but you weren't even willing to do that.
That's not the same as, "It cleans itself.
" That's like saying, "Why do you need to clean a car? "You just wipe it all over and it cleans itself.
" LAUGHTER - APPLAUSE - OK.
Ten years.
What? What is your? Ten years of this kind of bullying.
LAUGHTER What was your friend's name? Um - Ediz.
- What? What? - Ediz.
Ediz.
It's a Turkish name.
How old were you? Like It was primary school, so probably, like, ten.
So ten years old, and why couldn't you have just done that action of just rubbing it against a blank piece of paper? Well, he did it as, like, a service to everyone.
- How much did you pay him? - Like, a pound a rubber.
- A pound?! A pound a rub? - A pound? - Yeah.
Why couldn't you have done it yourself? I'm confused.
Because it used to have, like, a nice smell when you had it back.
- Are you sure it wasn't Ediz? - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Where was this magical smell coming from? - Well, that's the thing.
- We didn't know until we got older.
- See, if I was giving a man a rubber and he went away, and it came back and I went "That smells differently.
" LAUGHTER I would say, "Why does it smell differently?" I wouldn't just leave it at that and go, "That's different, yeah, here's a pound.
" He just said he'd found out years later.
- He was using, like, car air freshener to spray it.
- Ah.
It was a great service.
You were cool if you had a fresh rubber.
LAUGHTER But how much would a new rubber have cost? Probably about 10p.
LAUGHTER How many times did you pay him a pound to clean your rubber? Like, it probably happened, like, - once every two months or something like that.
- What?! And this went on for how long? - For ages.
Like, for years.
- Monthly thing, "I'll treat myself.
" - And he was doing it - Yeah.
- He was making quite I'm going to get the rubber nicely cleaned and scented - Yeah.
- .
.
for the weekend.
LAUGHTER Did Ediz clean any other stationery items? Um, not that I can remember, but he used to do something else with stationery, but I can't remember what that was.
He'd do He didn't sharpen your pencils in a very interesting way, did he? LAUGHTER It was something like he would organise your pencil case - but I can't remember.
- Organise your?! Sorry.
- LAUGHTER - I can't remember now.
I'm picturing Ediz with a little suit and a briefcase.
"Hello, guys, how are you doing? It's me again, it's Ediz.
"I'm here to clean your rubbers or organise your pencils," and you're in the corner going, "Oh, hang on, girls, I was chatting you up "but I want to sort out my pencil case.
Just wait there.
"Tell me some more, Ediz.
" Well, that's exactly where the economy's going, isn't it? Nobody makes things any more, we just provide pointless services.
"I'm a party planner!" "I'm a pencil case organiser!" "I shout on panel shows!" We used to make steel! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE What's it going to be? - Oh.
- Look, the thing is, during my one, which was true, I started thinking it was a lie.
LAUGHTER So, I don't I haven't got a clue any more.
I actually kind of think it sounds true but then, for that reason, I want to say it's a lie.
LAUGHTER You've been a big help.
Thank you.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Gabby? My gut's saying, "True.
" - What's your gut saying? - Go on, let's go true.
You're going to say true? Melvin? - It is - Was it true? - GABBY: A lie.
Or was it a lie? It is - true.
- APPLAUSE Oh.
Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
Now, this week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.
So, please, welcome this week's special guest - Mick.
APPLAUSE So, Gabby, what is Mick to you? This is Mick and I deliberately tripped him up during the wheelbarrow race at my son's sports day.
OK, James, how do you know Mick? This is Mick, and for six months he was my sworn enemy when a practical joke got out of hand.
LAUGHTER Andfinally, Lee.
This is Mick.
He's my son and I'm only allowed to see him every second Friday.
LAUGHTER Sorry, no, that's not it.
This is Mick.
I once took him home from nursery instead of my own son.
LAUGHTER So, there we have it.
Is Mick Gabby's cheated child, James' feuding friend or Lee's traded toddler? David's team, where would you like to begin? Well, Gabby the wheelbarrow race, you were also a competitor.
What was the format of the race and how did the accident happen? Your classic sports day wheelbarrow race.
Child is the wheelbarrow, I was driving my son as a wheelbarrow and Mick's mum, Barbara, was driving him and there's always I feel our family gets a lot of pressure on sports day because my husband was an international rugby player and I did sport, and people always look at us as if, "They're the ones to beat.
" You know, I always feel that added dimension of competitiveness.
- You were a rhythm gymnastic, weren't you? - I was a gymnast.
Yeah, I think they're looking more at him.
Carry on.
LAUGHTER So we were in the lead, my son and I, and, you know, in, like, your peripheral vision, you can feel somebody coming, and as we got to the turn they were level with us, and my son's arm buckled and - GASPS - No! - .
.
which, in a wheelbarrow race, is a bit of a no-no.
That's - Hmm.
So it takes you a couple of seconds to recover.
So now we're behind.
Quite painful for your son as well.
Perhaps that should be the main concern.
- LAUGHTER - Classic sports person.
"That's a no-no! We NEED this!" LAUGHTER So we got back level with them and I I'm ashamed, obviously, about what happened next.
So I can feel You know, and these horrible thoughts coming into my mind.
You know, "We could take him out.
" You know, we could - LAUGHTER - Wow.
"Come on, this is why we've been taking all the drugs!" LAUGHTER And basically, I stood on I stood on his hand, and so - I know.
- Blooming heck.
Deliberately? - Don't judge! LAUGHTER You were thinking, "We should take him out.
" LAUGHTER So he then slightly buckled, so he then - Which is a no-no.
- LAUGHTER He got himself back into the race and I decided that I couldn't let us win because that could be construed, in some people's eyes, as cheating - - standing on the opposition's hands.
- Yes.
And in some people's eyes, physical assault.
So I had to then sabotage us because I couldn't let us win.
So I deliberately kind of pushed my son into the ground.
So you assaulted two children? LAUGHTER I kind of just, you know, pretended to trip onto Reuben, and then his arms buckled - Double buckle, which is a no-no-no - No-no-no-no.
- LAUGHTER - And that meant - Reuben is your boy? - Yes! Oh, gosh, yeah.
- Sorry, yes, yeah.
- You know, the one with - Ah.
You know, the one with the face like that.
LAUGHTER All right, who would you like to speak to next? OK, James.
So, Mick, became your sworn enemy because of a practical joke? - That got out of hand! - That got out of hand.
- Yes.
So what was the practical joke or prank? First of all, I'll say for the record, before we carry on, I hate this boy.
LAUGHTER I've nothing but contempt for him and I'm furious he's got on this show.
LAUGHTER How do you think I feel? I can only see him every second Friday.
LAUGHTER So what was the? What was the practical joke, James? He put cabbage leaves in my bed.
How did he get in your room? I was staying at his house.
What, on a sleepover? How old are you? LAUGHTER It was a few years ago.
Yeah, well, he wouldn't have been born.
- LAUGHTER - He was He was nine.
And you were what, 31? LAUGHTER I was, what, 28, 29? And how do you know him? My I know his dad.
He's - He's his son.
- LAUGHTER APPLAUSE So And you were staying at their house.
Yes.
Why did he put cabbage leaves? Why is? What is? Why is that a thing? - Well, it's not a thing until he started doing it.
- Yeah.
There's something severely wrong with him.
I don't know why he started - But you say - .
.
pulling this kind of stunt.
- ".
.
started" doing it.
- Yeah.
- Was he? What? What do you mean? - This is one occasion when you're staying there.
- Oh, is it? - LAUGHTER - Well, I don't know, tell me.
This is the first of many, David.
- So you So - I said, "Got out of hand.
" - I do not use those words lightly.
- LAUGHTER So you regularly stay at the house of Oh, no.
Oh, this little man does not restrict these pranks to his own house.
He has no respect for anyone's privacy and will cross any boundaries available to him.
- I hate him with all my heart.
- Yes.
LAUGHTER So So, he initially put cabbage leaves in the bed you were sleeping in - True! - .
.
when you were staying at his father's house.
- Yes.
LAUGHTER - Right.
And then, SUBSEQUENTLY - Yes.
- .
.
he has followed you and put cabbage leaves in other places you've been sleeping.
No.
OK, what then? He sent me a cabbage in the post.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE He sent me half a cabbage, cling-filmed, in a box.
I was out when they delivered it.
I had to go to the Post Office to pick it up.
LAUGHTER There was a note inside that said, "You got cabbaged again!" LAUGHTER Ah.
So OK, so he's doing that.
Did you? Bearing in mind that this is a minor, did you, at any? It was a major, as far as I'm concerned.
LAUGHTER Did you, at any point, retaliate? Yeah, but it took me six months.
What did you do? After six months of this - I - Well, when you say, "Six months of this," what is "this"? There's the initial cabbage leaves in the bed at his house and there's the posted half cabbage.
- Yeah.
- Anything else? His grandad cabbaged me to my face.
- LAUGHTER - What does that mean? He gave me a present, it was all wrapped up nice, I thought it was a nice present, I unwrapped it, it was another half a cabbage wrapped in cling-film.
Members of the public started cabbaging me.
I made the mistake of talking about it on the radio and then everyone got the idea and I couldn't turn up to a gig without there being a cabbage hidden somewhere in my dressing room.
LAUGHTER Well, thank God you're playing safe and not saying it on telly, eh? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE So, did you retaliate? I absolutely did.
I removed all of his belongings from his bedroom - and replaced them with cabbages.
- LAUGHTER That's, I would say, - a disproportionate response.
- LAUGHTER Six months of my life, David.
Six months of my life of not knowing where the next cabbage was coming from.
It was horrible.
I had to go big, I'd been cabbaged so many times, someone had started a Twitter account and was tweeting pictures of cabbages on me every day and saying stuff like, "Oi, oi, savoy.
" It was horrible.
LAUGHTER And that was just the tip of the iceberg.
AUDIENCE GROANS No.
It's a lettuce.
I know, I know! It's a lettuce, you idiot! I know, but come on, cut me some slack! - No, no.
- You can't.
I would say that anyone who can enjoy that joke about a lettuce would have to be a sociopath.
LAUGHTER All right, onto Lee.
Lee, remind us of your story.
This is Mick.
I once took him home from nursery instead of my own son.
Why did you not recognise your own son by using your eyes and knowing what he looks like? I I do recognise my own son but we had this new pram and I put him in the pram.
He was very young at the time, cos, well, you have to, to go to nursery, and I put him in the pram.
A pram, at nursery? Not a pram, a push They're in a pram when they're sort of tiny.
A pushchair.
A pushchair! You make one mistake, you say lettuce instead of cabbage, they're on your back! You say pram instead of pushchair.
I get to see him every other week, I'm stressed! LAUGHTER I put him in the pushchair, and then I got chatting to all the other mums and dads and stuff, got chatting, turned round, little did I realise that one of the other parents had exactly the same pushchair and because he was asleep, I just didn't bother talking to him cos I thought he was asleep, pushed him and got all the way home.
Long walk as well, cos he goes to school in London and we live in Aberdeen.
LAUGHTER When? How long was it before you realised? ProbablyGlasgow.
LAUGHTER It was about Oh, it was Believe it or not - Preferably, do.
- Yeah, that's very much the question.
Believe it or not, it was as I went into the front door and I pushed him towards my wife, who was coming towards me, and she said, "That is not my son.
" But the other mother would have recognised her child.
- Let's go to the other mother.
- Let's go to the other mother, so What happened there? Obviously I'm not there to see the other mother because I'm at No, but presumably in the police interview, you've gone through those details.
No, I knew it would be a bit of a nerve-racking experience so I thought I'd better play safe and just keep him, and that's what we did, we just ended up bringing up another child.
So I got into the house, pushed him into the house, my wife said, "That's not my son," so I went, "Oh!" I realised immediately what had happened, obviously.
I turned round and I raced back to the school very quickly, so I got in just in time for them to go, "What the? - "Aw, you" And then - So you'd got back - You got back just in time.
- Got back in time.
Just before Mick's mother was going to start screaming, "My child has disappeared, my child has disappeared.
" Yeah, because No, because what had happened is she was getting a bit frantic but someone had calmed her down by doing the obvious and pointing to the child and saying, "Use your logic here, there's a child.
" Yeah, child abductors don't tend to leave a child as well.
LAUGHTER So, David's team, is Mick Gabby's cheated child? - Maybe.
- James' feuding friend? - Maybe.
- Or Lee's traded toddler? No.
LAUGHTER I think that the cabbages, that is a good trick cos cabbages, when they get warmed up, stink.
I also have, you know, been to many a sports day where the parents do get incredibly competitive, but I would probably lean towards Gabby.
What about you, Melvin? Which way are you leaning? I believe Gabby but James is just weird, - so I believe him even more.
- LAUGHTER Your paranoid view seems to be, "The whole country's in on it.
" Now everyone's sending you cabbages.
Every time people laugh at me, I suspect they're my enemy, which - makes my job very difficult.
- LAUGHTER APPLAUSE You think Gabby, you think Gabby but James even more.
And David thinks it's me, so Oh, I don't know.
- James.
- GABBY GASPS You're going for James? Mick would you please reveal your true identity? I'm Mick, and I am James' worst enemy.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Yes, Mick is James' feuding friend and here's the proof.
That LAUGHTER That is what James did to Mick's bedroom.
LAUGHTER Thank you very much, Mick.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies, and we start with It's David.
I recently ended up in A&E after attempting to use a sledgehammer to crack a nut.
LAUGHTER - Lee's team.
- Right, first of all, what type of nut was it? - A walnut.
- Of course.
A walnut.
Did you use the floor or the wall? LAUGHTER I useda bit of kitchen surface.
What is your work surface made from? Er, er Well, at home? No, no, no, in your shed.
LAUGHTER What is your kitchen work surface made from in your kitchen? It's a sort of It's I've It's - I don't really know.
- OK.
Why did you have a sledgehammer in the kitchen? Well, it was - Ah.
- LAUGHTER I didn't.
- Oh.
- This - Ah.
- So, it's not true.
- This didn't happen - Oh, OK.
- At all.
So easy.
LAUGHTER Wow, we broke him quickly tonight, didn't we? No, this didn't happen at my house.
- Where did it happen? - At my parents' house.
So why were you trying to describe your house when you were talking about the work surface? Because he kept asking me about my own work surface and I'm just trying to be as helpful as possible.
OK, can you describe? Can you tell us the colour of the kitchen surface in your parents' house? - Brown.
- Brown.
- Was it wood? Is it a wooden? - No.
Did it look like a tree, but flat? LAUGHTER I don't know what it's made of but it's - Is it Formica? - Might be.
- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Formica.
- Might be Formica.
- Wooden Formica.
- Formica.
- Your parents have got wooden Formica table tops.
I think so.
Why don't you use your television money and treat them, you tight git? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE - So, there's a walnut in your parents' house.
- Yeah, there is.
You, for whatever reason, maybe hunger, want to open it.
- Yeah, yeah.
- There's a sledgehammer.
Why is the sledgehammer in your mum and dad's? Apart from the fact they knew you were coming round.
I I had to go and find the sledgehammer.
- Where was it, in the end? - It was in the garage.
- Right.
- We couldn't find any nutcrackers.
- Well, your parents You say "we" - your parents were witnessing this? Yes, I wasn't on my own in my parents' house smashing away at my hand like a maniac.
LAUGHTER It seems to me that, on the evolutionary scale between nutcracker and sledgehammer, there are some other things you might find lying about the house.
- I wouldn't - A man's shoe.
Well, and three shattered iPads later, I found the sledgehammer.
LAUGHTER Who was there by the way, in this? Who was witnessing this? There were My parents were there, my brother, his wife, my wife.
- Peter Gabriel.
- LAUGHTER David's not going to get that joke.
APPLAUSE Do you want me to explain or are you all right with that, David? - I can be your sledgehammer.
- Oh, sledgehammer! Oh, yes, very good.
Sorry, I'll rephrase that.
Rob and David aren't going to get this joke.
LAUGHTER I I have no idea but there wasn't anyone called Peter Gabriel.
LAUGHTER OK, now we know that this story ends with you in Accident & Emergency.
Yes, yes, yes.
How did that happen? Well, I got the I'd been I'd cracked a few nuts with this sledgehammer and then maybe I got a bit cocky.
- Oh.
- And, I you know, and I'd left my thumb in the way.
Oh, no! And it was It was carnage.
Sorry, there's a really The thumb, can we have a look? - All right.
- When was this, before we look? This Christmas just gone? It was this Christmas, yes.
So it should look pretty bad, this thumb, shouldn't it? Well, actually What was the? What happened? Was it? You'll find there's absolutely no visible scarring and neither is there on that one.
What a credit to our National Health Service, ladies and gentlemen.
LAUGHTER - Everyone was absolutely marvellous.
- It's weird cos he One might almost say miraculous.
Did they say any bones were broken in your thumb? They X-rayed it, and fortunately not.
They said, "In a few months, "you won't be able to tell this has happened.
" - LAUGHTER - Of course.
Of course.
- LAUGHTER - Hey, hey.
David, they were right.
They were spot-on.
All right, what are you thinking, Lee? Has this been the truth or has he made it up? There's There's bits of it that Well, the bits that are true are that he's got thumbs, Gabby.
LAUGHTER I believed everything until we looked at his thumbs.
- And there's nothing there.
- And then I was like, "That man not only has not hit himself in the thumb "with a sledgehammer, "but I don't think he's picked up anything in weeks.
" LAUGHTER APPLAUSE - You think lie, don't you? - I would say that it's a lie.
You're saying it's a lie.
David, truth or lie? It is - a lie.
- APPLAUSE Yes, it's a lie.
Well, that noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show and I can reveal that it's a draw.
APPLAUSE Thank you for watching.
See you next time.
Goodnight.