Archer s11e04 Episode Script

1
[laughter]
[laughing]
What are we laughing at?
- Is it Cyril?
- That's a very limited edition
only available at the plantation.
- Oh! Hey, Archer!
- Barry! [gunshots]
- [shrieks]
- Archer, no!
- [groaning]
- Damn it, Archer.
- Aw, my sipping tequila.
- New rule: No more office gun play.
Fine by me.
Knives and chains
are so much more intimate.
- You know you got shot, right?
- [scoffs] For your information,
- this is a prior wound.
- Ow. Did I get him?
Ooh. You sure did, bud.
Great grouping.
Let me help you up.
No, I don't need help from
my sworn enemy who by the way,
anyone else should feel free
to start shooting.
[groans]
- Up goes my buddy.
- Not your buddy!
Mother, what the hell is happening?
Barry works for us now.
- What!?
- Look.
Barry is a very
valuable team member.
- He saved my life in Morocco.
- And then you saved me
from that counterfeit
Moroccan rug dealer.
- You shopped with him?
- And more! He's my emergency contact.
Did not know that, but I will
honor the responsibility.
Seriously?
One three year coma,
and you're all best friends
with the man
who killed my fiancée
and seduced her cyborg form?
Well, technically, she killed
herself trying to kill me,
but I get
where you're coming from.
So allow me to say I am Barry,
Barry sorry.
[laughs sarcastically]
Then allow me to say good-bye.
[electrical sparking]
Ah, damn.
That was supposed to
electrocute you.
- Hang on.
- Look, I know we have a history,
but after you reconnected me
with my mom, [music]
I started working on myself,
went to therapy, cut the toxic
elements out of my life.
I haven't seen Katya
[electrical sparking]
or talked to Other Barry
in two years.
Also, my circuits are shielded
against anything short of
an EMP, so go nuts.
Oh, I plan to Barry.
About this obvious
and inevitable double cross.
Then it's a good thing you're
going on the mission with him.
- Barry?
- He has briefing power?
- Barry: Our target
- Archer: No shit!
- Shh. The movie's starting.
- Our target is a KGB factory
that is currently using
my DNA and schematics
to crank out hundreds of
handsome devils just like me.
Our mission is to infiltrate
the factory
and destroy the bots.
Any questions?
- Doooouble cross.
- Technically, a statement.
You're technically
an egg with glasses.
- Sorry, have a candy bar.
- Thanks?
Barry wants me to lead a team
to a factory full of Barrys,
where we'll be surrounded
by Barrys,
at which point he'll help us
destroy the Barrys instead of
letting them kill us
in an obvious double cross?
- Hey, you listened to the briefing.
- Out of pure outrage.
Although, technically, I'm
team leader on this mission.
What!? [laughs]
I'm getting a fury tremor.
- That's how angry I am right now.
- Use it. Because if we fail,
a plague of Barry-Bots
will sweep the Earth,
- enslaving all of mankind.
- Which I bet you would just hate.
- Isn't that right, Barry?
- Absotively.
[electrical whirring]
[sinister music]
[main title theme]
♪
And now I have to go
to stupid Russia
with stupid Barry
to get stupid betrayed.
He sounds
positively dreadful, sir.
Sounds? Alcott, do you not
know my entire backstory?
I catch on quickly, sir.
I'm trained in
Unacceptable excuses?
I know, Alcott.
But a good valet
knows backstory.
And doesn't pack wool socks
for Russia in May.
What the?
Is that Reggie?
Alcott, did you seriously
not feed this lemur
for the three years
I was in a coma?
Sir, I only entered
your employ this morning.
- So I don't
- Understand the concept of animal cruelty?
Obviously, Alcott.
Move this dead lemur
and arrange for a funeral.
[snarls]
[shouting]
[laughs] Holy shit.
Reggie, you're alive.
Thank you, Alcott.
You know with
this whole Barry thing,
- I definitely needed a laugh.
- [shouting]
But obviously, after you
clean up, you're fired.
Which is why I'm done
fooling around!
- And you want us to fool around!
- Permission!
I want your help.
Sterling's going through valets
like a bullet through
tropical mahogany.
We're taking over
the interview process
until we find
an ideal candidate.
[groans]
That's why they're here?
- Why else would they be here?
- I don't know.
You see a line of suited men
outside an office
with blinds that go all the way
down, you start to hope
- That you don't finish that sentence?
- Send in the first candidate.
Good morning, ma'ams.
- Charmed.
- Yeah, how you doing?
Rank the grades of cashmere.
[clears throat]
Grade A combed,
grade A sheared,
grade B white on white combed
Skipping right over grade A
sheared Mongolian goat.
- No, wait!
- Get out.
Barry: Right now?
At 20,000 feet?
I don't know the exact height,
but just get out and then die.
You know the fall
wouldn't kill me, right?
A plane crashing into you might.
Hey!
We are not crashing the plane.
That's an order.
That you're relaying
from someone who matters?
- But, I'm team leader!
- Archer, will you close the damn door?
Only when you open your mind
about this predictable betrayal!
Bud, I know this coma thing
has your head spinning.
Heck, it was tough on all of us,
seeing you in that hospital
bed, all wired and tubed up.
Estas son las mañanitas ♪
Que cantaba El Rey David ♪
Hoy por ser día de tu santo ♪
te las cantamos a ti ♪
- Bud.
- He came to the hospital!?!
Hey, do you remember the song
I sang to you?
No! Lana,
were you there during this
- obvious security violation?
- You were asleep!
- I was getting married.
- Yeah, and if you'd been guarding me,
you wouldn't have had to settle
for your May late, late,
late December romance.
Didn't settle.
Deeply in love.
- Focus on the mission!
- Right.
The infiltration plan
has three distinct stages.
Cyril, shut up,
we're focusing on the mission.
Sorry, that was rude.
Candy bar?
Why do you keep insulting me
and then giving me a candy bar?
- Are you trying to ruin my diet?
- [laughs] No, I just happen
to have a lot of candy bars and
separately, I don't respect you.
Food has no power over me!
- [chuckles]
- Hey, don't laugh with me.
Or at me.
Which reminds me, Lana,
- how do you bang your old husband without
- Oh, look. It's the drop zone.
Jokes on you, Lana.
I'm gonna use the drop
to think of a better insult!
Bud! You really shouldn't
be landing on that bad leg!
- [alarm sounds]
- All right, let's roll out.
And you're sure
this is Dead Sea mud?
It feels suspiciously domestic.
Come on, what the heck
does a mud mask
have to do with being
Archer's valet?
Obviously, I'll be at his
apartment from time to time.
My needs are his needs.
Speaking of
But Archer doesn't care
about mud masks.
The man just came out of
a damn coma.
He needs a confidant, someone
he'll respect, someone
Who won't snap
and murder everyone?
- Is that a common issue?
- Like you wouldn't believe.
When I was a kid,
my horse butler
went crazy for no reason.
[idyllic music]
[humming]
[shouts]
[shouts]
[angrily breathing]
[horse whinnies]
- Jesus! You darted an employee?
- I liked him.
Anyway, he burned down
our summer mansion
and killed my cousins
with a hatchet
when they tried
to escape the inferno.
I got away on my horse,
thank god.
Anyway, we need to push these
guys to the breaking point
to make sure they aren't weak
or murderers.
About time, you giraffe-necked
son of a bitch!
[footsteps trail off]
We won't be requiring
his services. [chuckles]
[espionage music]
Hey, you said this outpost
wouldn't be guarded.
- Looks like they upgraded.
- So, like, the opposite of Lana.
- [groans]
- People, focus. We need a new plan.
Now these bushes
should be enough cover
to flank the guards from either
Cyril, stop acting
like you're in charge.
- I am in charge.
- He whimpered.
Look, it's a Barry-Bot factory.
I'm Barry. I blend.
- I'll go handle it.
- Right. By telling them our exact locations,
so they can firebomb
this very explodable bush?
For the last time, bud,
not gonna betray you.
I know, not-bud,
because I'm going with you.
That defeats the purpose
of me going up at all.
Both of you, be quiet.
Team leader.
We're flanking, end of story.
We will absolutely do that, right
after you eat this candy bar.
- I I I'm not going to eat this.
- Do not care.
- Oi!
- Easy. Just out for a perimeter check.
Yeah, and I'm a different
Barry-Bot.
They wanted to try
making one handsome.
If you are bot,
show us circuits.
Shit.
You guys are good.
He's a bomb!
[gunshots]
Flanking action!
Hey, man, can you not shoot
your gun so close to my penis?
- Like it matters?
- Oh, it matters.
- Jesus Christ.
- I know. Cyril, you're supposed to kill
- the guard, not play sex games.
- Ugh, we've been over this.
The agency doesn't
kill anymore, jackass.
I thought you were kidding
about that.
These guards can't help that
they were born into poverty
and their only career option was
to guard a killer robot factory.
In America,
this man might be a grocer.
- Hey. My father is grocer.
- You're shitting me.
So now, in addition
to the inevitable double cross,
I have to deal with
Irving Klaw over here
- pleasuring every guard we see?
- I'm just going by the book.
And I respect that, Cyril.
Hey, maybe we should
leave him a map
for where we're going
for when he gets free, right?
[laughs] Right?
- Candy bar! You know why.
- [sighs] Lana.
No one's respecting
that I'm in charge.
Have you tried whining more?
[somber music]
Hey, are you going to eat that?
I'm just saying, what happens
when you run out of rope?
I also have zip ties.
And that'll be great
for when the guards shoot you
and then eventually organize
their computer cables.
[laughs]
I hate him,
but he definitely got you.
Lana, did you hear Barry
get Cyril?
[unwrapping]
- Is that a candy bar?
- No it's an energy bar.
Whatever. I don't like this.
Where are all the guards?
Technically, it's a guard
making factory, so, everywhere?
Oh, that reminds me.
What's the plan for when
we're surrounded by Barrys,
and we lose track of our Barry
and all the Barrys say
they're our Barry?
That won't happen.
Wait. Will that happen?
- It actually does seem possible.
- And annoyingly farcical.
Well, you could draw
a little dot on my cheek,
like they do to
new born babies
[shouts] Are you frick
are you frikkin' kidding me?
- What the shit, Archer?
- A dot could wash off, Lana.
It's my god damn
Easy, Barry, don't go back down
that dark dark hole.
[breathes]
It's a good idea, bud.
I sort of wish
you didn't chop off the hand
- with the high-powered laser.
- All right, you get this back
after the mission
if you don't betray us.
Looks like the mainframe
is up this way.
That's where we can upload
the virus
to deactivate the Barry-Bots.
- Mm-mmm. Not happening.
- Seriously?
It's one thing to question
my authority,
it's another to reject
the mission itself.
Cyril, I mean it's not happening
because you have to go catch
that guard you refuse to kill.
Jeezy Petes.
Those were good knots!
Don't worry about it.
We'll get him.
- Head for the mainframe.
- Barry's hand says
- [laser zaps]
- Whoa!
Man, you weren't kidding
about the laser.
- I never do. Is 20 enough?
- What is this?
The perfect way
to calibrate my lasers
with non-bovine subjects. Duh.
And the world's first valet
obstacle course!
First, they have to make
a black Manhattan,
then press this linen suit,
then they have to carry both
down this hallway of lasers.
If these amateurs can handle it.
Unlike my harpsichord teacher,
who snapped for no reason.
[harpsichord music]
[shrieks]
You're all insane.
Archer didn't reject his new valets
because they can't make drinks
or fight lasers
Speaking of,
are these lasers deadly?
- Oh my, no. [laser zaps]
- [shrieks]
But it is a very serious burn.
[tense music]
[gunshots]
Hard not to take
the crotch shots personally.
Oh, no, I intended them to be
very very personal.
That's why I'm shooting the dick.
Well, that's another way
you can tell us apart,
especially since these Barrys
look nothing like me.
Yeah, my bad, but you still
can't have your hand back.
Speaking of, how's
the physical therapy going?
Good, I guess.
I mean,
no one else has even asked.
But last week I
I did my first roundhouse kick.
- It's dumb, but
- Hey. Look at me.
Look at me.
It's not dumb, bud.
- Good for you.
- Yeah, it is good for me.
Uh, thanks.
You idiot.
[gunshot]
Why am I the idiot?
It's protocol.
It's protocol not to kill them.
We can still knock people out.
You know, new studies show
that is really bad for them.
- Very considerate.
- Shut up!
Lana, how many times did
you visit me in the hospital?
- Because Barry came eight times.
- Not doing this.
- Did you upload the virus?
- Not yet, but you can't handle
- one guard, so we're both slacking.
- Dang it.
- So how many Lana?
- Where is the virus, Archer?
I don't know.
Barry's handling it.
[threatening music]
Sure could use that laser hand.
- [lasers zapping]
- Cheryl: Look at him go!
Krieger, let's make it a real test.
Increasing laser randomization
to nightclub mode.
[lasers zapping rapidly]
You can't do it!
No one believes in you!
- Adequate.
- For who?
Do you people even know
why Archer loved Woodhouse?
Sure he knew his shit,
but he'd also done shit.
And you can't find that with
tests about premium cashmere
from psychopaths who just want
to watch the world burn!
I don't need
to watch the world burn.
I'm all about the smell.
Pop quiz, hot shot: Archer's
got three ladies at his place,
but they all have
nose-based urges,
but the bathroom is occupied
by Archer's mother,
who spilled
Archer's nacho delivery
on her grade C cashmere.
What do you do?
Obviously,
I would keep the women
- separated long enough to
- [imitates buzzer] Cheryl?
[slap]
[thud]
All right, who's next?
Uh, is no valet an option?
No, it's not an option!
It was the first thing I tried.
It just feels like you could
talk one Barry to another.
- Right, Chainsaw Barry?
- [electronic screech]
- Okay, not a talker.
- Use the laser hand.
- [grunting]
- This is for your own good!
Cyril, stop screwing around
and throw me the hand.
- I'm a little busy!
- Leading this whole mission
down an inferior Russian toilet?
- I agree.
- I get it. I'm the worst team leader
in the history of team leaders.
Well, knowing is half the battle.
- I honestly forgot he was team leader.
- [angrily] Enough!
[electronic zaps]
[heavy breathing]
- Holy sociopath, Cyril.
- What?
You wanted me to kill the guy
this whole time.
I-I showed strength!
Yeah, but you don't kill
an unarmed, poorly tied up man
to prove a point.
Yeah, pretty grim stuff, Cyril.
Ooh, I hope these four little
girls are just his friends,
but the resemblance is uncanny.
It's not I was following
why didn't you go to work at
the grocery store? [crying]
The virus is uploading,
but there's a problem.
You want Cyril to tie it up
and snap its neck?
It looks like the Barry-Bot
system has a failsafe.
[mechanical clunking]
[metal creaking]
[sinister music]
What is it?
♪
[mechanical whirring]
[suspenseful music]
♪
[laughs] Chef Barry?
Who designed these?
Oh, sorry.
Is this weird for you?
- Yeah. Weirdly therapeutic.
- Lana, how's it going
with the slowest virus upload
in history?
I don't control the upload,
you dick!
Well, you do control
your attitude,
which honestly has been
really insensitive.
Me? You haven't eased off
my husband since you woke up.
I'm allowed to be insensitive.
I just woke up from a coma.
Which, now that
I think about it, did I?
This all feels pretty coma-y.
[grunts] No, it's real, bud.
But I'm with you.
Lana, you really need
to be more supportive
during this period of adjustment.
I am incredibly supportive!
Right, Cyril?
Where the hell is Cyril?
[grunts]
[cries]
I'll take care of you.
[crying]
Maybe he can take care of himself?
[scoffs] He'd burn down
the building making toast,
out of spite for
having to make toast.
What about those Barry-Bots?
Could Krieger reprogram one
to valet?
Oh, definitely maybe.
A robot valet would cut down
on bloodstains.
- I'll make the call.
- Just FYI, that laser field is still very active.
[lasers zapping]
My I know we don't say it
anymore, but
Both: Sploosh.
[British accent]
Apologies for my tardiness.
I volunteer at a lemur
rehabilitation center
and it was my turn to rinse the
tamarind leaves for snack time.
- It's fine.
- Oh dear, your drink.
Allow me.
[sniffs]
Black Manhattan was it,
heavy on the Luxardo?
- [sighs] Just so.
- You must be the tech. I must say,
I've never seen such a deadly
laser in such a compact device.
That's the compliment
I never knew I wanted.
- Can I call you dad?
- You can call me Aleister,
- if the position is still available.
- That all depends.
Pop quiz: Archer's
got two broads at his place,
sisters, only thing is, they
don't know about each other,
and one is temporarily blind
due to
I keep his drink full,
my mouth shut,
- and the paramedic on speed dial.
- Paramedic?
Veterinary paramedic.
- No need to alert the authorities.
- Hmm. He'll do.
More of them?
Where are you guys coming from?
[suspenseful music]
- [short circuiting]
- Oh, perfect.
- Better late than never inevitable double cross.
- You were saying?
I was saying sorry for
assuming a double cross
- that I guess isn't coming.
- No, it wasn't.
Well, thanks for the hand.
- And the hand.
- It's missing two fingers.
Yeah, it was already like
that when I chopped it off.
Ready to finish this?
♪
Not that ready.
♪
[alarm blares then fades]
[electrical failure]
[sighs] The virus uploaded.
Just in time.
Really? Uh, I guess
- good mission, buddy.
- No, great mission, bud.
[crumbling, thumping loudly]
♪
What part of "we're done"
is this, Lana?
[machinegun firing]
- Agh, the failsafe had a failsafe!
- Well, that's just stupid.
[grunts]
You guys go.
Time for daddy
to give baby a spanking.
No, I don't stand by that.
Let me
[grunts]
[gunshots]
Cyril!
[crying]
Guys, this is really more of
a distraction than,
like, a totally
well thought out plan.
Lana, Barry can't handle this
thing on his own.
- We need to help him.
- No, we need to get out of here.
We accomplished the mission.
- Wha an EMP grenade?
- Two robots. One boom.
- Are you kidding me?
- Fine, you can throw it.
All mission I've been waiting
for a double cross,
and now you're gonna
double cross Barry?
Lana: Hey, you said
he was an evil cyborg,
and he's served his purpose
which means
Archer: Which means caring for him
has become inconvenient, right?
And it's easier to move on to
new slash much older things?
Barry: I think I've got a plan,
but it's not great.
It's not moving on
to take care of yourself,
which is what I'm doing!
Taking care of yourself
because Robert can't?
- Sexually, I mean.
- Barry: Any other plan?
Robert and I have
a very active sex life.
I'm sorry the world changed,
and that must be hard,
but it wasn't my job to lay
weeping by your hospital bed.
I have a life,
and I am very content!
Oh, right,
because all content people
scream that they're content.
Barry: Okay,
just gonna do my plan.
Good-bye, Barry.
Barry!
You brave, beautiful cyborg.
[sobs]
I'm sorry, Archer.
I know you two connected
this mission.
We really did.
He was my friend.
Oh, God.
Barry was my friend.
- This coma thing has been hard.
- I'm here for you, Archer.
No thanks, Cyril.
But look!
- Cyril, look!
- Oh, man.
He did have a penis.
And it was magnificent!
Don't let your old man
see this, right?
Just gonna let you have this one.
Goodnight, mi amigo.
[crying]
Estas son las mañanitas ♪
Que cantaba El Rey David ♪
Hoy por ser día de tu santo ♪
te las cantamos a ti ♪
- Aw. You did remember.
- Barry? How?
Uploaded my consciousness
into another Barry
right before the explosion.
- You can do that?
- I guess so.
And hey, heard what
you said about my penis.
- Thanks, bud.
- I meant every word, pal.
It was wow.
Really impressive.
Huh.
So you're basically unkillable?
I am now, thanks to that virus.
And in spite of all your efforts.
What this?
[nervously laughs]
I mean
Cyril ordered me to bring it
- as, uh, as team leader.
- Oh, come on!
Lana, it's fine.
Barry doesn't hold a grudge.
But Other Barry well
[sinister music]
[both laughing]
He hates you.