Curb Your Enthusiasm s11e04 Episode Script

1
("CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM"
THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
WOODY HARRELSON: Now, I know
that I am no better
than any of my fellow nominees
or any other human in this room
or on this planet.
I also believe that interspecies
equality is paramount.
(APPLAUSE)
WOODY: And yet we go into nature
and we pillage and we ransack.
We use machines to impregnate
the innocent dairy cow.
Then callously snatch away
her baby
as she cries out
- Why do they do this?
-in despair.
Even Woody Harrelson
makes speeches like this.
- It's just an Oscar. It's not
the Nobel Peace Prize, right?
- Yeah.
You know what my speech would be
if I win an Oscar?
- What? What?
-"I wanna thank the Academy
and don't allow babies
on planes, goodnight."
- They'd love that speech.
- I know.
- You'd be a hero.
-Then we take
the life milk
meant for her calf,
and we use it for cream
in our lattes.
Okay. All this stuff aside,
he'd be so great for Uncle Mo
for the show, don't you think?
- Oh, my God, yes.
- Tough to get.
Yeah, well, I don't know.
I guess it couldn't hurt
to get him a script, right?
Could not hurt at all.
- Oh, hi, Lar.
- LARRY DAVID: Oh, hey.
SUSIE GREENE:
Got some more fabric.
Look at this tapestry
I'm making for the temple.
Is that something?
JEFF GREENE: I've never been
more proud of her.
- It's the tree of life.
- Did you sew that?
- SUSIE: Yeah!
- Yeah. It's a banner
for our temple football team.
- We're playing Beth Hillel.
-(CHUCKLES)
And their defense is ridiculous.
They sacked our rabbi
six times last season.
Speaking of the temple,
you know, our rabbi
is an amazing guy.
Lar, you, of all people
would love this guy.
- Oh, would I?
- He's cool, he's hip,
- he's spiritual.
He's just fantastic.
- Oh, yeah. The hip rabbi. Yeah.
- Yeah, sure.
- He's a big golfer.
Can't afford a fancy-schmancy
club like we belong to.
- Uh-huh.
- SUSIE: So I think it would be
a nice gesture for you
to take him as a guest.
- Take him to the club with me?
- SUSIE: Yeah. Come on.
- Oh, geez.
- One round.
- This is gonna make you happy?
- Very happy.
- All right, fine.
- Aw. Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Oh, come on, man!
(LAUGHS) No.
- Come on. Come on.
- Oh, come on.
You think I wouldn't
do it for you?
- Oh, geez.
- I'mma leave you hangin'?
I'm old. Come on.
I can't waste a day playing golf
with a rabbi.
Every minute
is precious to me now.
- JEFF: Oh, let me--
- At this time of my life, I--
- He's a great guy, Larry.
- That's a four-hour favor.
And five, if you include lunch.
Come on, play golf
with the cool rabbi and me.
You'd be doing me a big favor,
come on.
- Oh, it's a favor.
- I appreciate it so much.
I am doing you a favor.
How many times are you gonna
remind me of this now?
- As often as I can.
- Thank you, anyway. Both of you.
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
LARRY: Oh, that, yeah.
That really does a lot.
Will you please?
Hey, I got a, uh, text from
Woody Harrelson's people.
He's interested.
They're gonna set up a meeting.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Wow, that's great.
- Yeah. It's very exciting.
- I love Woody.
- I love Woody, too.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Okay. You know what?
I'm gonna give you that.
Ah. Very generous of you.
Hey, by the way, I'm seeing
your girlfriend this week.
- Heidi?
- LARRY: Yeah.
Oh, I'm so glad. You're gonna
love her, she's terrific.
- Wait, the eye doctor?
- Yeah.
Gentlemen, I'm gonna show you
how this is done.
- Never again.
- I know, I know.
Uh-- I appreciate it.
You know, the High Holy Days
are coming up pretty soon.
That is just so exciting,
is it not?
It sure would be nice
to see you in temple.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah. Okay.
Don't hold your breath.
It's been a while since
you've been to this temple.
I think never is the more
appropriate word.
RABBI FREEDMAN: Well,
maybe we can remedy that.
- How about a little wager?
- Sure, fine.
I sink this putt, you come
to my temple for services.
(SCOFFS)
- Oh, yeah. Okay. You got it.
- Now you guys heard it, he bet.
Sure, yeah.
I'll come to your temple.
I'll get breast implants, too.
FREEDMAN: (LAUGHS)
That's up to you.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, my God.
- No, no!
- Yes!
Are you serious?
- No, that-- I wasn't--
- You're going to temple.
- No, I can't.
-(LAUGHS)
- JEFF: You said it. I heard it.
- What? No.
- JEFF: Yes.
- Come on.
- I'll see you in temple.
- LARRY: What, are you kidding?
You don't expect me to go there.
-(LAUGHS)
- LARRY: We were joking.
- Come on. We made a fair bet.
- You didn't put up anything.
I just-- What did you bet?
Nothing.
You're gonna look beautiful
with breasts.
- You're gonna look beautiful.
- Yeah.
You got a face for it.
You're gonna look great.
LARRY: I can't go there,
I'll suffocate.
FREDDY FUNKHOUSER:
Nice shot, rabbi.
How the fuck
did he make that putt?
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- What was all that?
- What's all what?
You're like a mouse,
scurrying back to your seat.
- I was scurrying?
- Yeah. What are you up to?
- What you up to?
- I saw it.
You didn't see shit.
(SNIFFS) What's that smell?
(SNIFFS) Kitchen.
It's not kitchen. (SNIFFS)
It's more floral.
Maybe even fruity?
(LEON BLACK SCOFFS)
It's nothing-- Hey, look, Larry.
Larry, calm down. Just relax.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Larry, Larry, get the fuck
out of there, man!
What is this?
(SIGHS)
- Watermelon?
- What?
I thought you hated watermelon.
What's going on?
Okay. I fucking lied, okay?
I fucking love watermelon,
I love it.
But I can't eat this shit
in front of white people.
- What? That's just ridiculous.
- I just can't fucking do it.
You can't eat watermelon in
front of me? That's so crazy.
In front of white people, why?
Who gives a shit?
Even Black people don't like
to see Black people
eat fucking watermelon. I feel
bad for the fucking watermelon.
You probably love it too,
don't you?
My favorite fucking fruit
in the world.
- Mine too.
- Plenty of times I've been
to cocktail parties.
I gotta put the frickin'
watermelon in a little napkin
and go in the bathroom
and eat that shit.
Or go into the fucking forest
and eat that shit.
- Go into the woods?
- Yeah. Opening the napkin
and eat the fucking watermelon
by myself.
Okay. Well, you know what?
Black people, white people,
I don't care.
Next time I go to the market,
I'm gonna get some watermelon,
I'm gonna bring it back,
and you're gonna eat it
in front of me.
I'll work towards it.
You know, I--
We're gonna do this together.
We're gonna do it together.
- My man.
- Okay.
LARRY: All right. Here we go,
little cup of joe
for the Woodman.
- Ah, thank you very much.
- Huh?
You know, I don't drink it much.
If I have coffee, which is rare,
I usually drink biodynamic
but I'll, uh, is this--
This isn't biodynamic product?
- It's dynamic.
-(BOTH LAUGH)
I don't know if it's biodynamic,
but it's definitely dynamic.
Do you know what? This is like
the sweetest digs, Larry.
LARRY: Hey, you want some
of this cream in your coffee?
- I got it fresh from--
- WOODY: Cream?
Is that cream, like cow cream?
You know what that does, Larry?
The cycle of violence
that creates that cream?
I mean, do you realize
the inherent cruelty in that?
What happens to the cow,
to the calf?
(SCOFFS) Wait a second.
I didn't-- I didn't get
that cream from a market.
Is that what you think? Oh, no!
I have a-- I have a farm.
And a cow.
I-- And the cow has a calf.
And after the calf is finished,
that's when I take it.
- That's extraordinary.
- You think I'd go into a market?
(SNICKERS) I'm not a monster.
And when I do go,
I'm cream-shaming.
- I cream-shamed too!
- You're a cream-shamer?
- Yeah!
- Oh, my God!
I'm cream-shaming all the time!
- Unbelievable!
- I thought I was gonna
cream-shame you now,
but I underestimated you.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Come on.
I apologize, and where's the,
uh Where's your farm?
It's outside the city, you know.
What's your cow's name?
- Jessie.
- Jessie?
Yeah. Jessie, oh, my God.
Woody, I got to tell you,
I just love that cow.
I just-- I just love it.
Sometimes,
I'll just lie in the sun
and watch her chew that cud.
I don't know, just--
You know, I had pets growing up.
I had dogs, cats, whatever.
But I have never loved an animal
the way I love this cow.
- I just adore her.
- Could I meet Jessie?
Could I go to your farm
and meet Jessie?
I mean, this is right up
my alley.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
You wanna meet Jessie?
I would love to.
What do you say?
Well, yeah, yeah. Sure. Yeah.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Okay. So I'm here a week.
What about Thursday?
Hmm. Nah.
Thursday is not good.
I got
I gotta work on Thursday, yeah.
- Oh, okay. Friday?
- Friday's not good.
Saturday, you're not working,
and that's my last day here.
We'll do it Saturday, yeah?
Yeah. We'll do it.
We'll do it. Yeah. Sure.
- WOODY: Great.
- Yeah.
- It's meant to be.
- Yeah.
But Larry,
let's talk about this script.
There's a few notes I have.
It's nothing.
It's not a page-one rewrite,
but let's start from page one.
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
JEFF: Why would you tell him
you had a cow?
- That's nuts.
- Yeah. I was put on the spot.
You know, the whole thing
with the cream.
- You saw the Oscar speech.
- What do you know about cows?
I know nothing about cows.
I know the cow's name is Jessie.
You told him the cow's name
was Jessie.
He asked me what the name was,
and I said Jessie.
Jessie's the worst name
for a cow I've ever heard.
Fuck you.
That's a good name for a cow.
- What about Bessie?
- Okay. Bessie sounds made up.
That's like naming a dog Fido.
No. Jessie, you know
a young lady who skateboards.
That's who Jessie is.
- I really don't think you know
what you're talking about.
- Oh, and you do?
By the way, no Jessie,
you can forget about Woody.
Hey. Oh, you know what?
I'm so glad you're here.
Thank you. And thank you too.
- For what?
- Taking the rabbi to golf.
- Oh.
- It was a mitzvah.
Don't you feel good
about yourself now?
No, I don't.
And of course, he roped me
into going to temple.
Aha! It'll be good
for your soul.
It'll be unbelievably boring.
And I'll regret every second
I spend there.
Do you not have any kind of
feeling of spirituality
-(WHINING)
- SUSIE: an inkling?
Some kind of spiritual--
All right. You know what?
Get the fuck out.
- Fuck you. Both of you.
- Hey, Susie!
In all seriousness.
Do you know anybody
who has a farm or a cow or--
SUSIE: What am I, Little House
on the fucking Prairie here?
I don't know cows and farms!
Maybe two farmers have come in
to mail
- a big package or something.
- They don't live around here,
farmers, Larry.
They have a couple
of big packages,
what are they sending out?
- Feed?
- Larry.
We're not gonna know
any farmers.
We don't know any cows.
What's the matter with you?
Ah, you're fucked.
You gotta find a cow.
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
HEIDI:
Okay, Larry. One last time.
- One?
- LARRY: Yeah.
HEIDI: Or two?
LARRY: (SIGHS) Hmm.
- One?
- LARRY: Mm-hmm.
- Two?
- LARRY: Uh
HEIDI: Just pick one,
whichever's clearer to you.
I, uh-- Let me see that again.
- Okay.
- LARRY: Uh-huh.
- HEIDI: One.
- LARRY: Yeah.
- HEIDI: Two.
- Oh, boy. How--
Which one can you see better?
I know they're different.
I can see there's
a slight difference.
- Yes.
- Yeah, but I can't tell
- which one's better.
- Well (SIGHS)
- I think two.
- HEIDI: Two?
- Eh!
- One more time? One?
- LARRY: Yeah. One.
- HEIDI: Two?
Ah. You know what?
- Now I'm liking one.
- You like one?
- Yeah.
- Okay. One.
- Definitely one.
- All right. Let's go
to three and four, huh.
- Three?
- LARRY: Yeah.
- HEIDI: Or four?
- LARRY: Four.
- HEIDI: Four?
- Oh, yeah. Four.
HEIDI: That was fast, okay.
No. Hold it.
Let me see it again.
Okay. Three.
Three is really growing on me.
Here's four again.
Eh, uh Let me see it again.
- HEIDI: Three.
- LARRY: Yeah.
- HEIDI: Four.
- LARRY: Okay.
This is like a trick
of some kind.
Promise we're not tricking you.
I think actually three
is one and two is four.
- Am I right? Huh?
- What
W-- No. No.
Just three or four.
What's the first instinct?
Who gets the tie?
There are no ties in optometry,
you got to pick one.
- Do me just one favor.
- Uh-huh.
Can you go back to one and two?
I think I want two.
- Okay.
- That's why I'm having trouble
- with three and four.
- Oh.
'Cause I can't get one and two
out of my head.
'Cause I think I made a mistake
with one.
- Okay. We're back at one now.
- Yeah.
- Okay. Now, let me see two.
- Okay.
- Two.
- Okay. Yeah. Two, yeah.
Two! Perfect.
Let's leave this for a second.
Let's walk away from this,
let this settle.
- Okay.
- Here's some info.
'Cause that was
a lot of decisions.
That's been my problem
in my life.
I don't stay
with the first instinct.
I go to the second instinct.
Hey, by the way,
can you believe this weird rally
that's going on in Westwood
this week?
- Yeah. What the hell is that?
A hate rally?
- So offensive.
What are they doing? Yeah.
I mean, free speech, fine.
But this is fucking crazy.
LARRY: Freedom of speech,
that's so overrated.
There shouldn't be
freedom of speech,
unless it's me, of course.
And that should've been
in the constitution.
- Freedom of speech
- Sure.
for Larry David.
Everybody else said "Ask Larry."
Let me dilate your eyes, okay?
Wanna take your glasses off?
- Sure.
- All right.
Let's do this real quick.
You'll only be blurry
for about a half-hour.
Here we go, boop and boop.
Sure you've done that before.
All right.
Nurse is gonna come in
and run a couple more tests.
I just wanna see
one more thing here.
We'll get you a new
prescription, okay?
All right. You know what?
Uh. One. Should've been one.
- You just hang tight.
- LARRY: One, definitely.
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Stay strong, man.
- Son of a
- Geez!
-bitch!
- Oh, my gosh.
- Dude, what are you doing man?
- Sorry. I'm so sorry. So sorry.
Look at this. Come on, dude.
I'm so sorry.
I just came from the eye doctor.
They dilated my pupils.
And everything's kinda--
I didn't see you.
Well, look at that.
This is totally ruined.
I can't believe
this is happening.
I'm screwed for today.
What am I supposed to do?
You can't wear that anymore!
Would you go to an event
like this?
- Oh, yeah. You got the rally.
- Yeah. I got the rally today.
You can't wear that to a rally.
- No, I can't.
- Are you kidding? No. No way.
Can't you just get a sheet?
No, I don't wanna wear
a fucking sheet.
It's not a sheet anyway.
This is a robe. Feel it.
- Ah.
- That's not
I always thought it was a sheet.
I can't afford to go
get another one of these.
But what about just temporarily?
- Put a sheet on just for today.
- No, I'm not gonna wear a sheet!
It's like a spare tire,
you know.
No, I can't do that.
That's total amateur, man.
Yeah. Yeah.
You gotta get that cleaned.
- It's really a shame.
- Yeah.
I'll tell you what I could do.
Take it to the dry cleaners,
they can get that out.
But I've got a rally in Tucson
and one in Santa Fe coming up.
And those things
are the real deal.
- They're the big ones.
- Okay.
- So when do you need it by?
- Two days.
How about this, you know?
For the rally today,
you know, you go robe-less,
it's not the end of the world.
And then, um, you'll have
that robe spanking clean
- in two days.
- You promise?
I don't know, why do they make
these white anyway?
They stain so easily, you guys,
you're out all the time
in the fields, with the burning,
and the ashes,
you must spend a lot of money
at the cleaners for this thing.
Well, it's tradition.
- You know tradition?
- Of course.
"Who, day and night,
must scramble for a living,
feed the wife and children,
say his daily prayers?"
- Yes.
-"Who has the right,
as master of the house,
to have the final word at home?
The papa! Tradition."
Tradition. Yeah, exactly.
If I was starting
your organization,
I would've
opted for a black robe.
You can't see black
in the middle of the night.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Right, right.
- You wanna see the white.
- Got you.
I'll give you my phone,
you write your number in here.
- Okay.
- Just put it in there.
- RALLY ATTENDEE: Hurrah!
- Hurrah!
- ATTENDEE: Stay strong!
- Stay strong, brother.
ATTENDEE: White is right!
- You should call me--
- Great.
- Thank you so much.
- Okay. Sure.
Yeah. Let's get this, uh,
taken care of.
Again, I-- My apologies.
And you have my word,
on my honor.
You will have this robe
for your hate rallies
in Tucson and Santa Fe.
All right. Hey, thanks.
I really appreciate it.
- Yeah. Sure.
- I really appreciate it.
Yeah. And hey, uh,
no starch, no crease, please.
- LARRY: No starch in the robe?
- Right.
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- Good morning!
- LARRY: Hey, good morning.
How can I help ya?
I spilled some coffee on this.
I'd like to get it cleaned.
- Sure. Let's have a look.
- Hey, there's nothing to see.
Just throw it in the bin.
DRY CLEANER:
No, no, no. Let me see it.
Let's see how bad it is.
LARRY: Just throw it in the bin.
DRY CLEANER:
It's good to get a sense
- Is that what I think it is?
- Yeah.
- Yeah. It's not mine. It's--
- Well, let's hope.
Yeah. It's-- Some Klansmen
are over,
and I spilled coffee on it.
It's my responsibility,
and I feel like, you know,
- I spill, I clean.
- So if it's your responsibility,
then it's your responsibility
to take it somewhere else
because I don't want it
in my store,
I don't wanna clean it,
I don't wanna touch it.
I get the reluctance, I do.
But let me just say this,
as far as Klansmen go,
he's a decent Klansman,
yeah.
- A decent Klansman
- Yeah.
-is a Klansman.
- True. True.
But, you see
what you're doing here?
What you're doing
is what they're doing.
You don't wanna have
anything to do
with this particular group,
that's their mantra.
And now
that's what you're doing.
- This group hates me.
- Yeah.
- I'm a Jew. They hate me.
- I understand.
- See this cheek?
- Mm-hmm.
All right. Look. See?
See what I'm doing?
I'm turning that cheek.
Turn the cheek!
Turn your cheek!
Let's not be like them.
Let's show them
that we're different.
We don't discriminate.
- Okay.
- Thank you. Thank you.
I really don't like this,
but I'll do it.
I really appreciate that.
And, um, is there any way
I could get this robe, uh,
by tomorrow, he's got
big rallies coming up
in Santa Fe and Tucson.
- Three o' clock, tomorrow.
- By the way, you know anyone
who owns a cow?
We're in the middle of the city,
there's no cows.
If someone comes in
and they look a little farm-ish,
if you have
a farm-ish customer
Yeah, I don't think that happens
too often, but okay.
Thank you so much.
Really appreciate it.
Uh, you know what?
I don't have any change.
You know, it takes bills.
LARRY: Yeah, it's hard to stuff
them in there.
It's very narrow, I see.
- Not that hard.
- LARRY: By the way,
no starch, no crease.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
See you tomorrow.
Absolutely disgusting.
The blowing of the shofar
symbolizes many things.
In the Torah, it is said
the blowing of the shofar
is a call to assemble
for battle.
- Hey.
- Hey.
It's a High Holy Day miracle,
- look who's here.
-(LAUGHS) Yeah.
intolerance and hate
that are amassing right here
in our very city.
A mere few blocks away,
people are gathering
to spread their lies
and disinformation and venom.
Can you believe this, there's
a hate group in Westwood?
Yeah. I ran into one,
I spilled coffee on his robe,
I had to bring it
to the dry cleaner.
You had a confrontation
with the hate group?
- Yes.
- What kind of robe was it,
- like a big, white robe?
- First of all, it's not white.
It's more like bone or ecru.
Huh! How was the eye doctor?
You see Heidi?
- Yes. She's a great doctor.
- Great doctor.
God.
- Charming. Really attractive.
- Yeah, thank you.
I knew you would be happy when
you saw her, she's terrific.
However, there's something
I have to tell you.
Okay.
It's difficult for me
to even bring this up.
- Bring what up?
- When the exam was over,
she dropped a Pirate's Booty
on the floor.
Didn't pick it up.
Did you see her drop
the Pirate's Booty?
I saw her do it. I saw her look
at the Pirate's Booty,
make the decision
not to pick it up
and walk out of the room.
Maybe she got it later.
She could've been embarrassed.
No, she didn't.
- You know why?
- Why?
'Cause I picked it up.
Yeah. I don't like
what that says about her.
No, I don't like it.
It's indicative
of a moral compass gone askew.
That's terrible.
I know, it's awful.
What do I do? I can't just sit
with this, it bothers me now.
I don't know what you should do.
Maybe you could bring it up
with her.
Keep me out of it. Could never--
(HUSHES)
His girlfriend, the optometrist,
dropped a Pirate's Booty
on the floor. Didn't pick it up.
It's not a good thing
to drop the booty
- and not pick it up.
- Not good.
- So what?
- What do you mean "So what"?
There's a sense
of entitlement there,
it's not a good quality.
Let it go.
You're so fucking judgmental.
Please rise.
Do you like Pirate Booty?
- No, it's disgusting.
- It's not a good snack.
I don't like a cheesy snack,
do you?
No, if I'm gonna have anything,
I'm gonna have a potato chip.
- A cheesy snack is not good.
- No!
(HUSHING)
All right.
(BLOWS SHOFAR)
(SPEAKING HEBREW)
(BLOWS SHOFAR)
Man, he's good.
- Unbelievable.
- Yeah.
Thank you all for coming.
-Shanah tovah.
- Shanah tovah.
I can tell you this,
they're not gonna be seeing
me again anytime soon.
You didn't enjoy,
you didn't have fun?
SUSIE: Rabbi Freedman.
Oh, my God, that was so moving.
Just terrific.
-(LAUGHS) Thank you.
- Hello.
I wasn't sure
you were gonna make it.
Come on, I'm a man of my word.
Are you kidding?
- Yes, you are.
- Very nice service,
and by the way,
fantastic on that shofar.
- Oh, thank you.
- He's pretty amazing.
- I don't know how you do it.
- Just blow.
I've tried 50 times,
I've never ever been able
to get anything out of it.
FREEDMAN:
Why don't you give it a try?
No, it's ridiculous.
I can't do it.
How do you know? You might be
a regular Dizzy Gillespie.
I can't. Okay,
I'll give it a try.
- FREDDY: He's ready for this.
- With this. Do you huh, huh.
Nothing personal.
This is quite a lead up.
You'd better really be able
to blow that thing.
This is crazy.
It's an exercise in futility.
-(BLOWS SHOFAR HOARSELY)
- FREDDY: Blow that thing.
(LAUGHTER)
You're a master in the making,
I can tell.
- Ridiculous.
- Please keep it as a gift.
What? I can't possibly
take this from you.
It was such a lovely day
on the golf course.
- I want you to have this.
- All right. Okay.
- Thank you so much.
- Enjoy.
- Thank you.
- It's good to see you here.
Nice to see you guys.
That's a nice gesture.
You'll have that forever.
Oh, please. I'm never gonna pick
this up for the rest of my life.
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- Hey, guys, how you doin'?
- Doing swell. How are you?
Great. Cannot complain.
- It's so beautiful out.
- Oh, gorgeous day.
Yeah? You got any fun plans
for today?
Thinking about having
my leg amputated.
Oh, well, good luck.
- You find everything okay?
- Yes, we did, yeah.
(GRUNTS)
I would like to, uh
Go ahead.
buy this watermelon.
I'm sorry, I didn't hear
what you said.
He said he'd like to buy
the watermelon.
- Okay.
- And that's okay.
- Yeah.
- Because it's not a crime
for a Black man
to like watermelon, is it?
Sir, do you like watermelon?
It's really none of my business,
man, it's
Just doing my thing, you know.
Tell me the truth.
Do you like watermelon?
Yeah, I like watermelon.
- You like it a lot?
- I do.
I like watermelon.
I like it. I like watermelon!
LARRY: He likes watermelon!
Of course, you like it,
because it's delicious!
- Right!
- Why wouldn't you like it?
- Thank you!
- You know what?
Get yourself a watermelon,
on me.
- I will!
- And you know what else?
I love gefilte fish.
Yeah, you heard me,
gefilte fish.
And I'm gonna have it
with a smear of cream cheese
on a bagel.
And I might even have
some herring.
And that's okay too.
Ring up that watermelon.
- Ring up the gefilte fish.
- CASHIER: All right.
My man.
Yeah, I've looked everywhere.
I can't find the robe.
It's lost.
- Okay, that's bullshit.
- It's lost.
- Give me the robe.
- You know what?
If you're gonna give
an important job like that
to a member of an inferior race,
you gotta expect us
to screw it up.
I'm in a lot of trouble now
because of you.
A lot of trouble.
I thought you said
he was a very decent Klansman.
He is a decent Klansman,
but he's still a Klansman!
He's got rallies coming up
in Santa Fe and Tucson.
He's not gonna have his robe.
He's not gonna be happy!
That's a real shame.
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
What do you mean he lost it?
Yeah, said he lost it.
- I fucking trusted you.
- Yeah.
You go to the cleaners,
you give them your clothes
to get cleaned
- Yeah.
-and they're supposed
to give it back to you.
They're supposed to give it
back to you.
It's a-- It's a disgrace.
Well, you can't go to fucking
Walmart and buy a robe.
- Yeah.
- So, what are you
gonna do about it?
-(SIGHS)
- That's not my problem.
You're the one
who took the robe.
Yeah, it's my responsibility.
How are you gonna fix this,
Larry?
You know what?
My friend's wife
is a seamstress.
You can't believe the stuff
that she can sew.
- Yeah?
- She kind of owes me a favor.
Still, it's not gonna be
an easy ask, but
I think I can get her to do it.
- Like a custom job?
- A custom job.
You think she can get it done.
She can get it done.
She can get it done, yeah.
I've never had
a custom one done.
She could do it. You will be
the envy of every Klansman!
-(LAUGHS)
- Huh, you like that?
They'll look at you, they'll go,
"Hey, what, did you see
Joe's robe?
Look at Joe's robe,
where do I get one of those?"
You'll get invited to the
Grand Wizard's house for dinner.
That's my prediction.
I've never been to his house.
If I could go to dinner,
I'd say that comes out
to be a pretty fair trade.
- Yeah.
- Great, great.
(COW MOOS)
That'd be awesome, man.
Maybe you could do me
a small favor.
Anyway, I hope
I'm not disturbing you.
No, I'm just making dinner.
You know, the usual.
You know, I'm not one
for pop-ins, you know.
- You pop in all the time.
- Eh? You know.
By the way,
I cannot stop thinking
- about that banner.
- Uh, yeah.
That was an incredible
work of art.
That makes me so happy
that you appreciate it.
How could I not? I wouldn't be
a human being, for God's sake!
With all due modesty,
it's a masterpiece,
I mean, it's amazing.
If I had a talent like that,
I'd be shouting it
from the rooftops,
"Hey, look at me everybody."
You have that need.
I'm more secure.
Yeah.
Thanks again for golfing
with the rabbi.
Oh, what a delightful man.
I knew you would like him.
- And fun to play with.
- Fun.
Sense of humor,
just like you said.
- Right.
- And hip, whoo!
- Yeah.
- Those four and a half hours
just flew by.
Anyway, I was thinking
maybe you could sew
something for me.
Uh, I'm so touched.
You'll do it?
Well, depends on what it is,
I am not capable of everything.
I don't think it's that
difficult.
I think you could
knock it off
You have something in mind?
- Yeah, yes, I do, actually.
- What is it?
It's not for me.
It's for a friend of mine.
- What is it?
- It's kind of a robe.
What kind of a robe,
like a bathrobe?
No, more like a sheet-y
kind of thing.
Sheet, like a kaftan,
kind of a
- It's kaftan-ish, yeah.
- Uh-huh.
- There's a hood and--
- Is it for a man or a woman?
- Oh, it's for a man.
- What kind of a man?
- A Klansman.
- What do you mean, a Klansman?
Yeah, a Ku Klux Klansman.
- What?
- Yeah.
What are you, fucking crazy?
I could see how
you would react like that, okay?
How do you even know a Klansman?
I spilled coffee on his robe,
you know, I feel like
it's my responsibility
to replace the robe.
The dry cleaner said he lost it.
Larry, it goes against
everything I believe in.
Next thing you're gonna do
is tell me some of them
are very good people.
I did play golf with the rabbi.
He was the slowest player
I've ever been with.
You do owe me a favor.
(SIGHS) I'll do it.
- Thank you so much.
- Just go. Just go.
And by the way,
don't worry about the pointy hat
because that didn't get
coffee on it.
- Oh, some good things.
- Yeah. Also,
don't make the sleeves
too floppy
because they can get burned
when he's lighting the torches.
I'm sorry you weren't here
the other night.
We had a fabulous square dance.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, right in the barn.
- You square
- Yeah.
I'm picturing you
square dancing.
Oh, yeah, yeah!
Grab your partner,
do-si-do, oh, yeah.
I do-si, yeah.
(HUMMING)
Oh, hey, hey, look at this.
- Look at Jessie.
- Oh.
I'd like you to meet
my friend, Woody.
- Jessie.
- Huh?
You're a beautiful mother.
- She's my baby.
- Oh, yeah.
Do you ever milk her?
Joe. Do I milk?
- Joe, tell him about my
- Larry milk.
- Huh?
- He milk.
- Oh, yeah, I milk.
- I mean, she looks like
she's ready to pop. Let's pull
up a stool and get it going.
Uh, it's a great idea,
but I milked so much last week.
I got milky fingers,
you know what that is?
I never heard of that.
It's a farm term,
it means when you milk too much
and your fingers get very stiff
and you can't close them up.
WOODY: And what about the calf?
What's the calf's name?
The calf? Oh, yeah,
that's, uh, that's Rebecca.
Oh, it's very, uh,
gendery-bendery of you
to have a male calf
with a female name.
You know, uh, we don't see
gender here on this farm.
We're kind of a woke farm.
We're the most progressive
farm in the valley, Woody.
- Are you?
- Oh, yeah.
You know, Joe here, uh,
he's got the pictures
of Nancy Pelosi on his tractor.
(LAUGHS)
- It's funny. Yeah.
- Yeah.
So anyway, you know,
we should, uh,
we should probably take off.
I could--
If you want some of those apples
back there,
Joe can rustle you up a bunch
if you want, to take home.
Right, I won't let the Jew
charge you.
- Oh.
-(LAUGHS)
We harass each other
all the time, yeah.
Well, what do you call him?
I just call him
a racist cocksucker.
(LAUGHTER)
- It's good stuff.
- It works. It works.
It's life on the ranch.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Wow. What an honor to meet you.
- Bye Jessie, yeah.
- You gonna pet her goodbye?
I gotta have lunch in a minute.
You okay?
Yeah, I'm great. Great.
Freddy.
Okay. What's wrong? What?
What's going on?
Now that you've mentioned
something,
someone that we both know
- Mm-hmm.
-was in your office.
Okay.
And said that you were, um,
eating some Pirate Booty.
And that the Pirate Booty
fell on the ground.
And that you made a decision
not to pick the Pirate Booty
up off the floor,
and it's been bothering me.
- Is this a joke?
- It's a simple question.
Did you drop the Pirate Booty
or did you not?
No, but who would tell you
something so insane?
- The who's not important.
- It's very important.
- What? It was a dog walker
- Freddy, who?
It was a mutual friend.
What does it matter?
- It was Larry David.
- Oh, for fuck's sake.
Okay? He said to me
that he saw you in the office
- you were eating--
- Larry David,
he couldn't choose
between one and two.
- Why is this about
- One or two.
Did you drop the Pirate Booty?
- He is magoo.
- But what's his motivation?
What would he gain from it?
Freddy, don't you think
if I notice something
that fell on the ground,
I would pick it up?
- It's ridiculous.
- Yeah, one would hope.
So I'm gonna ask you
one more time.
- That's it.
- Freddy?
- Did you drop the Pirate Booty?
- Yes.
- Okay.
- Yes.
I dropped the fucking
Pirate's Booty, okay.
Wasn't a big deal,
we have a team of people.
I was busy.
This is where
we should've started.
Didn't care then,
don't care now.
Yeah, and you know what?
- Didn't wanna pick it up.
- Look what you put me through.
- Wait, I put you through?
- Yeah.
This is all fucking Larry David.
No, it's not.
Thank God for Larry David
because you'll grow from this.
Ew, you know what,
I'm growing now.
I'm outta here. Oh, God.
And you know what?
You know what?
That's not gonna solve anything.
That's not gonna solve anything.
This is how you handle--
Okay, all right.
I see it now. I don't know
how I didn't see it before.
I hope someone can pick that up.
By the way, super great way
of handling this.
- How about that?
- Uh, fantastic.
- Right?
- Thank you so much.
- The grapes, the apples.
- Of course, of course.
And I'm looking forward
to talking about Uncle Mo.
That's very exciting.
Thank you.
You got it made out here,
you know.
JOE: It's a pleasure there,
Woody.
- Thank you, Joe.
- Yeah.
You take care of yourself, man.
- Yeah, you too, man.
- Thank you, sir. Oops.
Good man. These are good.
I'll see you guys.
Hey, what-- Whoa.
What the fuck?
What?
Aren't you gonna pick up
the grape?
It's just-- Well, no, no.
Yeah, but I wouldn't drop
a grape on your porch
- and then walk off.
- It's just a grape.
It doesn't matter.
Fucking Hollywood leftist
bullshit is what you are.
Hollywood left-- Larry. Come on.
- Eh Should pick up the grape.
- That's not cool.
It looks like it is a sense
of entitlement there.
It's gonna biodegrade, Larry.
Pick up the fucking grape,
Woody!
Sure, I'll pick up the grape,
Joe.
Here, here's your grape.
Fuck you
with your fucking grape!
And there's a whole
fucking fistful of grapes.
And guess what?
Here's a fucking apple.
- Don't you fucking do it.
- Fuck you.
Fuck this shitty farm.
And guess what?
Your show, good luck with it,
because I ain't doing it.
You know what? Fuck this.
Stay right there, boy.
- Where's he going?
- I think he's getting a gun.
Teddy was right
about you, Larry.
Ted Danson? What did he say?
You should've picked up
the grape!
I'm not seeing well
out of the lenses, you know.
I just made bad decisions.
I took two,
I should've taken one.
And I took three
and I should've taken four.
My whole life,
always wrong decisions.
- I'm plagued with them.
- Sir, we'll get you
a new prescription.
I just need to dilate
your pupils.
This might feel a little cold.
Okay.
Your eyes are gonna be
a little sensitive to light
for the next 30 minutes,
so stay out of direct sunlight.
I'll take it from here.
- I'm definitely prepared for it.
- Thank you so much.
- I'm gonna do one.
- Thank you.
I'm gonna do one,
and I'm gonna do
What the fuck, Larry?
Why would you go and tell Freddy
I dropped a stupid
fucking Pirate's Booty
on the floor? Are you nuts?
Why didn't you pick it up?
Why do you fucking care
if I picked it up?
It's not that I care. There's
a sense of entitlement there
- that I thought was wrong
- What?
and I needed to let my friend
know about that.
Larry, I was gonna pick it up,
okay?
Oh, you were going
to pick it up?
I was going to pick it up.
I don't think you were going
to pick it up.
How do you know
and why do you care?
You know why?
Because I picked it up.
No one asked you
to clean it up, Larry.
You know what you could've done?
Hey, I have an idea.
You could've done nothing.
You think I can leave
a Pirate's Booty on the floor?
- No.
- No one fucking cares
about the Pirate's Booty, Larry.
I care about the Pirate's Booty.
You know what, Larry?
It's time for your eye exam.
Huh?
-(GROANS)
- Oh!
-(GROANS)
- Was that a one or a two?
(LARRY GROANS)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(LARRY SCREAMS)
-(TIRE SCREECHES)
Oh!
What the fuck?
I'm so, so sorry. Are you okay?
I-- Yes, I'm fine. Are you okay?
I'm fine, yes. I'm telling you--
Great, my car
is not doing great.
Uh, look,
I'll pay for the whole thing.
I have insurance.
I was at the eye doctor that--
she shoved the thing in my face.
You're not supposed to drive
after that.
Oh, but she shoved it.
She shoved it.
You're supposed to
have someone pick you up.
It doesn't matter.
Oh, you're being
very nice about this.
- Can we do the exchange so
- Uh, yeah, yes.
- Yeah, I'm so sorry.
- Thanks.
Larry.
Mary. I'm Mary.
You can take a picture of it
with your phone,
so you can maybe read it later.
- Mary Ferguson?
- Yes.
- Seriously?
- Yes. What's happening?
Oh, my God.
Your name's Mary Ferguson?
- Yes, it is.
- This is incredible.
- Is it?
- This is kismet.
This is unbelievable.
Would you ever be interested
in a free trip to Asia?
MARY FERGUSON: Larry.
You won't believe this,
but I have been having
a recurring dream
about going to Asia.
- Get out of here.
- Right.
And the dates work out perfectly
for my schedule.
So I'm getting excited.
So tell me about this guy.
- Leon?
- Yeah.
Well, let's just say
he's a unique individual.
Okay.
You could not have asked for
a better traveling companion.
- MARY: I'm excited.
- Take my word.
MARY: I can't wait.
LEON: You'd be surprised!
You know what I'm saying?
(LAUGHS)
What the fuck was that?
That (DOOR SLAMS)
was a Mary Ferguson.
I brought her back here
to meet you.
- She was perfect!
- Lost another one.
That's three, Larry.
That's fucking
three Mary Fergusons.
Who told you to have
a watermelon orgy?
You told me that shit.
You said it, Larry.
- Can I join you?
- Fuck yeah, come on, man.
Get in on this sweet meat.
What happened to your eyes, man?
Like a fucking raccoon.
I had an accident
at the, uh, optometrist.
- Cheers!
- Cheers!
Cheers! Yeah, cheers.
- (CROWD CHEERING)
- Repeat after me!
CROWD: (CHANTING)
You will not replace us!
JOE: Shit, shit, shit, I'm late.
Oh, wow
Here we go.
CROWD: You will not replace us!
JOE: Geez. Sorry I'm late, guys.
CROWD: You will not replace us!
You will not replace us!
- KLANSMAN 1: Look at this guy!
- KLANSMAN 2: He's a Jew!
JOE: Huh? (GROANS)
(INDISTINCT CLAMOR)
No! Stop! Some lady made it!
-(CROWD YELLING)
- JOE: Stop! Help!
-(BANGING ON DOOR)
- JOE: Larry!
Larry!
Jew boy!
- Larry!
-(THUMPING ON DOOR)
Open this fucking door
or I'll break it down.
Larry!
You wanna see
what they did to me?
I'll beat your bald ass, boy!
You crossed the line, buddy.
You think you're real funny!
Nobody else did.
I got my ass beat in Santa Fe.
I'll show you something funny.
Get down here!
Fucking race traitor.
Hey, Jew boy, come down.
Larry!
I will pound your commie face,
Larry.
I know that you're home.
-(BLOWS SHOFAR BEAUTIFULLY)
- Come down here.
Larry, get down here!
What the fuck are you doing,
man?
-(BLOWS SHOFAR)
- Shut the fuck up, Larry.
(DOG BARKING)
Shit.
(BLOWS SHOFAR)
("CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM"
THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪