Live at The Apollo (2004) s11e04 Episode Script

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight - Romesh Ranganathan! Good evening, Hammersmith Apollo! How we doing - we good? I'm hosting this bitch.
Nice to be here, man, nice to be here.
I'm very excited.
I'm really excited, man.
I'll be honest, I'm a bit tired.
I am tired, man.
I tell you why - a few months ago my wife gave birth to our third child.
Thank you very much but I don't know if I want a third child or not.
It's just too many, innit? I know it's late in the day to be having doubts but Jesus Christ, there's too many people in the world.
I've had another one.
Has anyone here got more than two kids? See what I mean? It's a mistake.
What a massive error, man, but what can you do? You can't kill 'em.
Just gotta sit there and wait to die.
"Happiness is gone, man, "I'm just going to wait for this to end, I think.
" First kid's lovely, the second one's a prick - that's the honest truth of it.
What an unacceptable human being this little arsehole is.
We're doing these behaviour charts, man, you know where they get stickers if they're doing good.
The first one, he's so lovely.
"Hello, Daddy.
"How can I help you, Daddy?" "Love you, Daddy.
" So we got targets for him to get stickers like "Be good today", "Be helpful to your friends.
" The second one, you can't have those targets, man.
You gotta ratchet the targets down for this arsehole.
You gotta have things like "Don't burn anything.
" "No knife crime.
" These are the targets you gotta have for this shithead.
Anyway, he got to a point where he managed to get five stickers.
Not that impressive - it's over a six-month period.
But he got five stickers and I said to him, "We can get you a couple of things, mate.
Buy you a couple of presents.
" Went down to the shop.
He chose two things - a Spider-Man costume and a little pushchair with a little doll in it.
I said to him, "You can have both those things.
" The problem was that he wanted to use those things at the same time.
So the next time I went out with him we're down the park with this kid with a Spider-Man costume pushing a pushchair, looking like a Father for Justice.
Just a horrendous little tribute act.
But it does make you worry.
It makes you worry, "Am I a good enough person to have kids?" I don't know.
I'm trying to get more intellectual.
Started to read articles and stuff, trying to be more newsy, get more "newsy", get more clued up about stuff.
I read this article recently about rap music.
I'm a massive rap fan.
Are there rap fans in? Big up yourselves.
I'm a massive rap fan.
I was reading this article that said rap music can perpetuate negative stereotypes about black people.
Cos if you don't know any black people then you watch a Snoop Dogg video, apparently you think all black people are like that.
It's a very interesting article.
It also made me realise that I have 100% contributed to racism throughout my life.
And I'll tell you why - I'm such a grumpy prick when I'm out and about that if you bumped into me and you were on the fence about Asians I reckon I'd push you over.
I think I'm part of the problem because white people, you don't realise how lucky you are.
If one of you is a prick to me I just think you're a prick, I don't think all white people are pricks.
I'm a bloody representative.
Your interactions with me determine how you feel about brown people.
It's all right if I'm London - there's enough browns to balance it out, right? But if I'm in bloody Devon I've gotta behave like I'm C-3PO.
"No, sir, I'm not a local.
" And the truth is, I don't get that much racism.
I get funny shit.
I'll get like an older guy come up to me and go, "Do you know what? "You're one of the good ones.
" And I think that's funny, I've got no issue with that.
I think if you've got an issue with that, you need to get the chip off your shoulder.
Do you know what I mean? If you're older and you grew up in a time when it's all right to say stuff like that, and then times move on and you're not politically correct any more, that's not your bloody fault.
I think if you're older you should just be given a card that says "I can call you what I want.
" Cos older people got enough shit to worry about without worrying about being politically correct, haven't they? "Got a false hip, I pissed myself this morning "Now you're telling me I can't say darkie.
" I'm quite happy, if I bump into an older person, just to give them the old wobble head to make 'em feel comfortable.
"Thank you very much, sir.
" "Bat-bat, ding-ding, 2.
99.
" It's just a sign of respect.
I start to get worried, though, cos I was thinking in the run up to the last election Ukip were starting to get popular.
And I was thinking, "Oh, God.
"What does that mean for my family?" And then I realised I don't actually know anything about Ukip.
So I thought I'll go check it out, see what they're all about.
I went to the website.
Do you know what? It's a nice website.
Easy to navigate menus.
I thought, "This is all right, I'm on board with this.
" Started looking at their policies.
Started thinking, "I don't know if I disagree with a lot of this.
"You want to take tax off the minimum wage, I'm in total agreement.
" Got to the end of it and I thought, "Holy shit.
"I think I might be Ukip.
" I got on the phone to my mum, I said to her "Mum, "what have you really contributed?" And do you know what? I wasn't that happy with her answers.
That's the honest truth of it.
She might have to go.
My mum, she doesn't think I'm a proper Asian.
That's the sad thing about it.
My mum calls me a coconut.
Don't know if you've heard this term.
Brown on the outside, white on the inside.
My mum goes, "You coconut.
" The reason my mum calls me a coconut is because I'm originally Sri Lankan, my mother tongue is Tamil.
I can't speak it.
And the reason I can't speak it is because my mum and dad never spoke it to me when I was growing up.
And now I don't know it.
And my mum blames me.
So she'll go to me I don't know what you're on about.
"Why don't you know?!" And then we'll go out and my mum will slag me off to her Sri Lankan friends in front of me.
Like I don't know what's going on.
Do you know what I mean? "coconut" I know what you're saying, Mum! I know what you're saying.
I get the gist.
Then she'll try and code that shit up so I don't understand.
"Bounty" I know what a Bounty is! "Kinder Surprise" All right, Mum! I worry about lots of things.
Getting older I started to worry about the end of the world.
There's lots of signs for the end of the world, aren't there? You know, these diseases are one of them.
Another one is Gogglebox.
It's definitely the end of the world, innit? People are watching people watch TV.
Does that not feel like the end of the world to you? Does anyone here watch Gogglebox? You should be executed.
I can't believe this TV programme exists, man.
I can't believe it.
What a damning indictment of every other piece of TV that's been made.
Do you know what I mean? Can you imagine you poured your heart and soul into some drama and then you say, "How's the drama doing in the ratings?" "Not that well, mate.
" "What's it being beaten by?" "It's being beaten by some people that are WATCHING the drama.
" What a kick in the dick.
Listen, I don't deny it's entertaining, Apollo, I don't deny it's entertaining watching Gogglebox but the problem is it puts you under pressure in your own house.
Puts you under pressure, man.
I don't want to have performance anxiety before I watch TV.
Cos I'll sit down to watch TV, we'll flick it on, Gogglebox is on, they're all like banter, banter, banter and then my wife will go, "Why is not like this when we watch TV?" "I'll tell you why it's not like this - cos we switch this on "so I don't have to talk to you.
" That's the whole point of TV.
"This has died, let's switch this on.
" Do you know what I mean? "I've got my phone here, "you're literally third in line in terms of my love and attention.
I'm addicted to my phone, man.
I'm addicted.
Are there any iPhone users in? Any Android phone users in? Yeah, I got a problem with you.
What a self-satisfied, smug bunch of pricks you are.
Oh, my God.
Aren't they proud of themselves that they've got an Android phone? Have you got an iPhone? "Er, no! "I'm not a sheep.
" "I think I'll make up my own mind about what phone I buy, "thank you very much.
" You haven't unplugged from The Matrix, all right? You're not "off the grid" because you've bought a Samsung, all right? It's a massive corporation, it's not a little family-owned business, two brothers - Sam and Sung - decided to set up a little market stall and knock out phones.
You're not better than me, all right? And they love talking about the battery life.
Oh, my God.
"I imagine you're looking for a plug point.
" Shut up, mate! The shit battery life on smartphones is the best thing about them cos when the battery runs out, then I'll interact with my kids, right? Cos I've got no will power.
I'll be down the park, I'm like, "That's run out.
"Better find out where they're going with those old men.
" The phone companies have got to admit that they've made the phones too good.
They have to admit it.
They're too good for humans.
They are, they're too good cos I'll be out with my wife and she'll say to me, "You're constantly - you're constantly on the phone.
"You're constantly on the phone.
" Why not, madam? I've got a little box here that can access any website, I can play games, I can watch films.
Why the fuck would I want to hear about your rash? There is nothing you can say to me that can compete with this phone.
I'm watching Game Of Thrones.
Say something better than that.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much.
Are you ready for our first act this evening? Ladies and gentlemen, can you go wild, go crazy for the fantastic Jason Byrne! - Hello! - Hello! OK, I've been doing stand-up 20 years now, right? My wife, 18 years, which is great cos I love her, it's brilliant.
Well done all the ladies clapping, well done.
I love being married cos it's brilliant! Because it's shit and it's great, right? Isn't it? Being with someone for that many years, you've gotta work on a lot of love and hate and it comes together and it's so entertaining.
You don't want to be in love with someone all the time.
That's shit! Lying on their lap or chest, "Oh, my God, you're so brilliant.
" "You're so brilliant.
" "Oh, my God, so brilliant.
" You'll be at the sink chopping something and your husband walks in, or your wife or whatever - I try not to be sexist - Jesus Christ, right? Chopping away and he just walks in from work and you look at him and go, "What do you want?" "I'm just in from work.
" "Are you? Well, get outta me FACE!" That's love.
That's proper love.
And, oh, this happened.
The gastric flu came to our house.
Not at the door! In a hood "I'm the gastric flu!" I got it first.
And I don't know if there's any doctors here but what happens is you puke quite a lot on the gastric flu.
And me being a man, I'm not a good patient, OK? And I was getting sick and as I was getting sick I thought my heart was stopping as I was getting sick.
So I was in the toilet, like And I called to my wife, "Brenda" And she was in the kitchen and 20 minutes later she came.
She got in the doorway and she went, "What? What?" I said, "Every time I get sick my heart stops beating.
"Might need to call an ambulance.
" And she walked away.
I could have died there, girls.
I could have died.
Right? And then about a week later I got better and then she got it, OK? I was delighted, right? In a lovely way, in a loving way.
Delighted.
Delighted.
OK? So she was shuffling around the house all day, she didn't do her hair or make-up, she was in her dressing gown, she was really ill.
And I didn't even notice, right, cos I was better so it didn't matter any more, right? So she sat down on the couch.
It was about 5.
45 in the evening.
And I looked at her and I said something you should never say to a lady at that hour, never, no matter where you are.
5.
45, I looked at her and I said, "Erm any chance of a dinner?" She looked at me and she went, "What did you just say?" In my innocent way I went, "Erm "It's just that it's 5.
45 and, erm "normally there's some sort of preparation "in that area over there.
"Like, pots and pans.
Is that "Is that not happening tonight?" So she stood up and she went, "Have you not seen how sick I am?! "Puking everywhere.
I've got a fever.
"I just want someone to hold me!" She then just drifted off through the house, right? I could hear like a ghost just banging into things and puking and pissing and moaning, right? Oh, and nobody got a dinner, by the way.
Nobody.
Me and the lads had to have Cheerios.
It was disgraceful! So this went on all day, the moaning, and no matter what I did it didn't matter, right? So about 10.
30 at night I said, "Feck this, I'm going to bed.
"I can't listen to this shit any more.
" So I went up to bed and I was reading a book about 10.
30.
And about 11.
00, when the kids were asleep, my wife appeared in the doorway.
It was amazing.
She was wearing a negligee.
She looked amazing, I couldn't believe it! She just looked gorgeous in the doorway and she had her bare leg and she was rubbing it up and down the doorframe, right? I was just looking at her and she looked at me and she went, "Do you fancy a bit of whoopty-do?" I'm a married man.
A lot of married people know what I'm talking about.
That stuff doesn't just happen.
I put the book down and went, "Er, yes, please.
" "I'd very much like some whoopty-do, if that's OK.
" She got into the bed and I was so excited.
She started to kiss me very gently on the face, right? It was very nice, it was very beautiful.
I was going, "Oh, my God, I'm loving this.
" Then it was my go and be careful, lads, if you haven't kissed your wife that gentle for a while.
Don't mess it up cos you can mess it up just like that.
If you stick your nose in her eye, it's all over.
That's how quick it can happen.
Just kiss, kiss, eye - "Me feckin' eye!" "That's over.
This is over, it's finished.
"I'm going downstairs to watch Bake Off.
You can sort yourself out.
" That wouldn't happen to a bloke.
Even if your eye fell out in the middle of it Your wife would be going, "What's wrong with you?" "Me eye fell out!" "Your what?!" "Me eye! It's in me hand!" "Do you want to stop?" "No!" "Here, I'll put me eye on your arse, it'll be all right.
" "Oh, my God, I can see myself banging you - that's weird!" So So You have to be careful I am not sitting beside my wife when this goes on telly.
So I kiss her very gently, avoiding the eye, right? And she was really liking it, she was going, "Oh, my God, you're such a beautiful husband, I love you so much.
"Keep kissing me, I love it there.
That's lovely as well.
"Oh, my God, you're so brilliant.
I love you.
" She's American for this bit, I don't know why.
"I love you, keep kissing me, keep kissing me.
" And then she must have been really liking it cos she turned around and put her back to me and went, "Do you want to try it this way?" I just went, "Oh, yeah.
" And she put her back to me and she edged up to me and she went She then turned around, faced me and went, "Ha! Ya feckin' idiot!" "I told you I was sick!" She goes, "I've been holding that in for an hour!" "You want to see your face, "you actually thought you were going to get it, didn't you?!" She got out of the bed, took off the negligee, put her pyjamas back on - with the rabbits and cats on it, right? - got back in, put a hot water bottle on her chest and laughed herself to sleep.
Thanks a million, ladies and gentlemen, you've been brilliant! Jason Byrne, ladies and gentlemen! Ladies and gentlemen, ready for our next act? Oh, yes, we are.
Please can you go wild and crazy for the fantastic Stewart Francis! Thank you, thank you very much.
Let me just start by saying it is an absolutely pleasure - no, it is an absolutely privilege to watch me perform.
I don't have parents - that I know of.
I don't think that's how it goes.
Of course I have parents.
People say I sound very immature whenever I talk about my mommy and daddy.
Those people are poo-poo heads.
With stinky bums.
Are my neighbours pleased that I bought a didgeridoo? No wwwwaaaa The 7 of diamonds! Sorry, my mind's playing tricks with me.
I recently did a very tasteless joke at an alopecia convention.
Fortunately, it didn't raise any eyebrows.
Today, a courier dropped off only part of my grizzly costume.
I was so angry I choked him with my bear hands.
My trial for butchering a live chicken resumes Monday.
I'll try to keep you abreast.
Recently in court I was found guilty of being egotistical.
I am appealing.
Do I enjoy courthouse puns? Guilty! Today, my yoga instructor was really drunk, which put me in an awkward position.
There's some sick people in the world.
Someone recently broke into my 97-year-old grandmother's flat and stole her limbo dancing trophy.
How low can you get, seriously? I love games although I hate Scrabble.
I hate Scrabble so much I can't put it into words, I just "Hate" is a strong word.
"Hated" is stronger.
Worth more points.
I love Twister and although I recently met a beautiful woman while playing Twister, I don't know where I stand with her.
She was the best Twister player I've ever seen, hands down.
For me, it's always hard talking to a pretty woman.
Then she'll notice it and it'll go soft again.
Went to the annual procrastinators' Halloween party in August where my pinata costume was a real hit.
Met a beautiful woman.
She was dressed like a Frisbee.
Anyway, she got really drunk and threw herself at me.
Is my French wife into golden showers? Oui.
Oui, oui, oui.
All these jokes are in my autobiography.
I've not been able to sell one copy of my autobiography.
Story of my life.
And yet on the bestseller list, the book I wrote about poo puns has just gone number two.
Poo puns, I do do them.
I do do other puns.
I will be doing puns about Canadian wildlife - bear with me.
I don't do puns about lions.
I pride myself on that.
You're hoping I don't do puns about people with crooked teeth - brace yourself.
If you're waiting for me to do a pun about Peter Crouch wearing armour you're in for a long knight.
The first transgender person I ever met was my aunt, who was like a father to me.
Even though it was 21 years ago that my father choked to death on sushi, it's still pretty raw.
Lot of people think that my dad was a weirdo.
But he wasn't, he was a lovely man - and a great kisser.
Here's an interest Here's an interesting statis Here's an interesting st Here's a fun fact.
Did you know that only 21% of Americans have gone to university and shot someone.
My drama school, we recently had a reunion in Vietnam - and you weren't there, man! You weren't there! They say if you love what you do, then it's not a job and I can hand on heart say this is the best job I've ever had.
I've had a lot of jobs.
I've had 12, 24, 36 - literally dozens of jobs.
I've had so many jobs it's difficult to remember them all.
I think I used to repair microwave ovens.
That rings a bell.
Working in a dark warehouse full of dildos always gave me the willies.
I was recently fired as a Boy Scout Leader.
I wasn't prepared for that.
I had a fantastic career making wedding bouquets, but I threw it away.
I used to work in search and rescue, which I always had a flare for.
Why was I fired as gynaecologist? I'd rather not go into it.
Was I a fantastic telephone receptionist? Ah, hello! I watch doomsday films like there's no tomorrow.
I now live here in the UK.
I go back to Canada on holiday - highly recommended, fantastic country.
I do notice when I go back there that they have the same shows we have over here just with different names.
In Canada they have a show called Cheaters where married people and people in relationships cheat with other married people and people in relationships.
Over here it's called Strictly Come Dancing.
In Canada they have a programme called Pointless, over here it's called The One Show.
Good night, Apollo.
Thank you so much.
Stewart Francis, ladies and gentlemen! Ladies and gentlemen, have you enjoyed yourselves tonight? Please an you give it up for out guests tonight - Mr Jason Byrne! And Mr Stewart Francis! I've been Romesh Ranganathan, thank you very much, good night.