M*A*S*H (MASH) s11e04 Episode Script

I have a weather report from the showers.
- Continued cold with intermittent drizzles.
- Mm-hmm.
Fortunately, after seven hours in O.
R.
, I'm numb anyway.
Let's go over to the "O" Club.
I'll buy you a drink.
Can't even lift my elbow.
I'm stiff all over.
Did you ever have one of those wars where everything goes wrong? Ah.
Sometimes you just start a day out on the wrong foot.
Good God! - You comin' or not? - Was that supposed to be funny? - What? - I just fell on my face.
You know the problem? Your boot's nailed to the floor.
You know, I wouldn't mind a joke if it was - if it had some intelligence, but this is stupid.
- Yeah? It's dumb.
That's not a joke.
It's carpentry.
- What would be better? - Something with flair, with imagination with with style, like The dribble specimen bottle.
Oh, that's good.
You think that up? Uh, well, no.
Actually, that was Trapper.
But that was just one of hundreds of classics we pulled.
- You and Trapper were quite the duo, huh? - Yes.
Yes, we were.
We inspired each other.
We We rose to new heights of good, clean perversion.
Are you sure this isn't funny? - What is this? What is this stuff? - Spaghetti with mushroom sauce.
I wonder who got the mushroom? Aw, Pierce.
Stop griping.
It's not so bad.
Aaah! Oh, very funny! I wonder who could have pulled such a stupid stunt like that.
As if I didn't know, Pierce and Hunnicutt.
Hey, don't look at me, Margaret.
If the word "stupid" is attached to a joke, there's your idiot.
I'm surprised he didn't try to nail your food to the table.
All right, Hunnicutt.
What do you have to say? - I think you oughta cut down on your salt.
- Uh.
I must admit.
That's quite a joke there, Hunnicutt.
Puts you right up there with 8,000 Shriners.
Now that you mention it, that one does have whiskers on it.
Seems to me, the pranks used to be more original in the old days.
Ah, the good old days.
You mean like when Trapper was here? Trapper was a scamp.
Oh, I remember one time.
We had We had wash hung out to dry.
But Trapper stole Colonel Blake's underwear strung his shorts from a kite and flew them into enemy territory.
Skivvies on the wing.
That's rich.
It was a classic.
Trapper was a man ahead of his time.
Right, Margaret? He was a ridiculous, juvenile child.
- See? - What a guy.
You know, I'll bet if old Trapper were here now he could pull something on each and every one of you and do it within a 24-hour period.
Are you proposing a "joke-out" at the O.
K.
Corral? Oh, no, no.
I'm just talking about the legendary Trapper.
Anybody who could do that would certainly be the world's heavyweight scamp.
Aha.
When does it start? Oh, I don't know.
Those kinds of things usually start at dawn.
What kind of stakes are you talking about here, funny pants? Well, if old Trap were doing it I'm sure he'd want to see everybody he got do a striptease on a table while singing, "You're the Tops.
" And what if everybody doesn't get gotten? Then I guess the tables would be turned.
Yeah, well, that would be incredible.
Because I would love to see you singing "You're the Tops" without your bottoms.
I can understand that, Hawk.
'Cause anybody who'd want to get everybody, would want to get you worst of all.
- Yeah, well, you're not gonna get me.
- Who me? Oh, I don't go in for that sort of thing.
Wh-What What's going on! This is going on.
Huh? - Someone put it in my bed.
- You put a dead snake in his bed? No, no.
It was only dead after I killed it.
Oh, very clever.
It must have taken you months to come up with that one.
You're blaming me? This country's crawling with snakes.
Excuse me.
I have to put a snake in the grass.
Go on.
Getting a little nervous, Hawkeye.
Oh, don't flatter yourself.
Charles was easy.
I'm not.
Hey, guys.
Get dressed.
Colonel wants to see you in his tent.
Step lively, Hawk.
It's not polite to keep a colonel waiting.
You go first.
I want you where I can keep an eye on you.
My, my, aren't we jumpy today? Hunnicutt, if there is a God there will be a time in your life when you are in dire straits and in desperate need of a wealthy, influential friend.
When that time comes, I pray that you will turn to me so that I can laugh in your face.
Great Mother Macree! I think I'm gonna die! - That's Potter.
- I think it is.
Colonel, are you all right? What's the matter? What happened? - Oh.
- Sir, you're as green as your uniform.
What happened? I don't know.
There I was, performing my morning toilette.
I began by polishing the pearlies.
But the the toothpaste tasted real bad.
Soapy-like.
Then I started coughing and and bubbles came out of my nose.
Someone put shaving cream in the toothpaste tube.
Well, Hunnicutt.
Looks like I've just been initiated into the "gotcha" club.
Oh-ho.
No, sir.
I'm not that clever.
Certainly not like Trapper John.
This is ridiculous.
Aren't you going a little overboard? Actually, it wasn't that bad.
Far be it from me to grouse when I get got.
And now that I've been had, I can enjoy watchin' the next poor sucker squirm.
Yeah.
You know, actually, ha-ha, I can too.
Well, if you're counting on me for some entertainment you're wasting your time, because I cannot be gotten.
- Oh, I know.
I know.
- Yeah.
Well, just keep knowing it.
Colonel, I believe you sent for us.
Right.
I just got word that H.
Q.
Has ordered us to swap an M.
D.
With the 8063rd for a day.
You know how they like us to keep tabs on each other's surgical procedures.
Do I see a volunteer? Yes, I'll go.
Sorry, Beej, but duty calls.
- Gee, Hawk.
I can't let you do that.
You went last time.
- That's okay.
Then you go.
You've been so jittery lately, I'd feel better if I could stick around and keep an eye on you.
- That's okay.
I don't mind.
- Really, it's no problem.
Enough already.
I'll go.
It will get me out of the line of seltzer fire.
Sold.
Well, now that that's settled, let's go eat.
Sabotaging the tube.
You're a crafty one, Hunnicutt.
I'd hate to think what you'd do to somebody you're really gunning for.
Me too.
Hawk.
- Take it easy, will ya? - What are you doing here? - I work here.
I'm relieving you.
- Oh, right.
I was expecting you.
Where have you been? I'm sorry I'm late.
You can go on back to the Swamp.
All right, good.
Here.
Wait a minute.
Why do you want me to go back to the Swamp? I don't want you to go back to the Swamp.
I don't care where you go.
Oh, really? Why were you so pointed about saying - "Why don't you go back to the Swamp"? - It's just a figure of speech.
No, no, no.
A figure of speech is like, "shoot the moon" - or, uh, "blind luck" - Or, "drop dead.
" Yeah.
Well, forget it.
It's not gonna work.
I'm not going back to the Swamp.
I'm gonna stay here and do some paperwork.
- Fine.
Stay here and do paperwork.
- Why did you say that? Boy, are you edgy today.
You oughta see a doctor.
Hi, pal.
How you doin'? When I can go back to fight, Doctor? Whoa.
What's your hurry? A North Korean owe you money? I must protect my country against invaders.
- I must do my job.
- Yeah.
And I must do mine.
You're out of the war for another couple days.
- Morning, Margaret.
- Buzz off! You, Dr.
Fink Over here.
Hi, Margaret.
How the heck are you? You jerk face! You louse mouth! - Oh, you're just saying that.
- What's the matter? What did he do now? I put this on, and I went to take a shower.
Needless to say, I wasn't wearing my fatigues at the time.
I only took a few steps out of doors when suddenly, things got chilly.
Here's why.
Gee, Margaret, you look like you could use a bun warmer.
Shut up, you lowlife! I turned and ran back into my tent but not before hearing a chorus of whistles catcalls and one marriage proposal.
You don't have a shred of decency.
Hey, don't look at me.
I had nothing to do with this.
However, just by coincidence I happened to notice something in here.
- Isn't that interesting? - You You slimy worm! Gee, Hawk.
Just like the good old days when Trapper was here.
Or so I've heard.
Dr.
Pierce, I got a delivery for ya.
This is Captain Paul Yamato, M.
D.
, from the 8063rd.
Oh, yeah.
We got you in the Winchester trade.
What a steal.
Hi, I'm Hawkeye Pierce.
Glad to meet you.
I'm looking forward to seeing your operation.
Let's just hope we don't have any.
Tell you what.
After we get you set up at our place, I'll show you around.
Thanks, I appreciate that.
I'll get my bag and be right with you.
Did "Dr.
Destructo" make his move on you yet? - No.
But Margaret just bought it.
- Major Houlihan? - Yeah.
- Gee, I saw her just a couple of hours ago laughing like she didn't have a care in the world.
Life can be cruel.
When there's a mad joker on the loose you can't let your guard down for even a minute.
- It could go like that.
- Not me.
I lived through four Toledo gang wars and a father with a short temper and a quick jab.
I'm not about to be rubbed out in a Korean clown attack.
- We'll make it.
- Sure, we will.
- Here.
Let me take that for you, sir.
- Oh, thanks.
- Paul, is that you? - Beej! You old son of a gun! What are you doin' here? I'm on temporary duty from the 8063rd.
- No kiddin'? It's great to see you.
- Yeah.
Hawk, you meet Paul Yamato? Yeah, we've been introduced.
But you haven't.
We're old buddies.
We roomed together in army med training school.
- You roomed together? - Yeah.
- Boy, did we have a ball, huh? - Yeah, I'll bet you did.
You arranged this, didn't you? What? Come on.
Will you get off it? Paul, I'm on duty now, but I'll tell you what I'll buy you a drink later.
- Fine.
- Okay.
- You still owe me one.
- Aha.
- Great guy.
- Yeah.
Uh, I'll take you up on that offer of a tour now.
- You'd like that, wouldn't ya? - Huh? Forget it, buddy.
It's not gonna work.
Igor, yours is a thankless task.
So, I hope you won't mind if I don't thank you.
Well, what's the "slop" de jour? - This here's carrots and peas - Oh, "succotrash.
" Actually, sir, they're really good today.
I highly recommend them.
What about this stuff? The beans I wouldn't give 'em to my neighbor's dog.
In fact, they're so old, they're "has beans.
" - Thanks for the tip.
I'll have the carrots and peas.
- Comin'right up.
So, the carrots and peas are good, huh? - He must think I'm really an idiot.
- What? Come on, stupid.
Don't play dumb with me.
If you don't mind, I'll have the beans.
I'm tellin' you, sir.
They're lousy.
Well, lousy is just what I'm hungry for right now.
- May I have the beans, please? - Okay, Captain.
Oh, right.
You say the carrots and peas are good so I'll think that's what he wants me to have.
So, I'll have the beans, because that's what he wants me to have in the first place.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no.
Thank you.
Mm-mmm.
Hmm.
Hi, uh, what are you having for lunch, Hawk? - Oh, I'll just have what you're having.
- Hey, get your own food! - Hawkeye, what are you doing? - Just staying a step ahead, Father.
He's not gonna have me for lunch.
And I suggest you stay on your toes too.
For heaven's sake, Hawkeye, stop being such a stick-in-the-mud.
It's all just good, clean fun.
Oh! Hot! Hot! - You are the lowest.
- Water! Me? What did I do? Look at him.
You poisoned a priest.
- Wa-Water! - I cannot believe you'd be so insensitive.
I just can't believe it.
I I just can't believe it.
B.
J B.
J.
, you crumb! Father, if you want some water, why didn't you just ask? Gee, that makes four.
Four from six is, uh, two.
Isn't it, Hawk? How's that leg feeling, Leightman? Much better, sir.
You really did a terrific job.
Don't thank me, Private.
Thank all the little people in government who made this whole event possible.
You know, it's almost worth gettin' shot just to get out of eatin' that lousy field food.
Did you have the pork chops tonight? - Huh? - Pork chops.
Did you have the pork chops tonight? Uh, no.
I haven't eaten since breakfast.
Oh, that's too bad.
I tell ya They were absolutely tremendous.
The best I've had in the longest time.
- Just like home-cooked.
- Mmm.
- And that gravy was great.
- Yeah, great.
Well, everything inside seems to be beating in an orderly fashion.
You should be two-stepping back to your unit in no time.
That's great, Doc.
Thanks.
My C.
O.
Gave me this genuine Cuban stogie.
I didn't have the heart to tell him I don't smoke.
I'd like you to have it.
Oh, thank you.
That's very nice.
You know, it's a long time since I've had a a good cigar.
I guess you thought I'd get a real bang out of this, huh? - Hey, what are you - Shame on you! - Nice.
Very nice.
Very nice! - What was that all about? Oh, just throwing cold water on your little plan.
I can't believe you, using a kid like that.
You probably even arranged to have him shot.
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- Oh, of course not.
And what are you doing here? These are my rounds.
- I came to get this to take it to the lab.
- Oh.
You really should relax.
You're getting very edgy.
You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? I'm sorry, but I'm doing just fine, thank you.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
I've got to fill out my reports.
I hope one of those is a Section Eight for yourself.
- Toodle-oo.
- Toodle-oo.
Dr.
Pierce? What the hell are you doing? Get away from me.
Sorry, I'm just here to observe.
I thought we might make rounds together.
I already made my rounds.
You go make yours, and we'll compare notes.
Start down there at the far end.
Pierce, have I done something to offend you? No.
And you're not going to.
- Please let me know if you need anything, Dr.
Yamato.
- Thanks.
- Yamato! - Hey! What are ya Somebody help me! Yamato- Pierce, help me! This guy's crazy! All right, come on.
Ajoke is a joke, but not in post-op! Come on now! Cut it out! Both of you! - Not me! Him! - Hey! Easy, easy! This is not a good doctor-patient relationship here.
- It's not even good acting.
- He Japanese! They steal my country, enslave my people.
I have revenge! Damn it.
I didn't invade your country.
Talk to my relatives, pal.
I'm from Bridgeport.
Okay, slugger, come on.
Okay.
Next time, Paul aha - you better show him your driver's license.
- What is this? I'm getting choked to death, and your demented colleague thinks I'm kidding.
Nice try, Beej.
I gotta hand it to ya, the ploys are getting sicker and sicker.
- Now you stay put.
Hawk, I had nothing to do with this.
- Sure.
- Believe me.
Neither did Paul.
- Oh, right.
I'm going to believe a guy who lied to a priest.
Boy, you are really something.
You have no shame at all.
And you stay away from me, Dr.
Yamato.
Or whoever you are.
Klinger, relax.
It's me.
Just on my guard against the crazy Captain Clodhoppers.
There's no way anybody's gonna get in or outta here without my knowing.
You can't barricade yourself in here till tomorrow morning.
Wrong, Sitting Duck.
I shall remain in my bunker until his reign of terror has ended.
A Klinger strips for no man.
I'm gonna live through this if it kills me.
Yeah.
Well, you can hide if you want but he's not gonna make me a prisoner of whoopee.
I admire your courage, if not your intelligence.
Good luck.
You too.
What was that? Are you all right! How did he get in here? How did he beat the bells? The fiend is everywhere! - What happened? - I went to file away your reports.
I opened the drawer, and boom! Blitzkrieg! Right in my face! I could've been killed.
If this caught on fire the whole place could've gone up with me in it.
I don't think he meant to start a fire.
Even B.
J.
Wouldn't have done that.
You are saying that a mad bomber is incapable of arson? He'll stop at nothing! Klinger, come on.
Relax.
He got you.
You're off the hook now.
He's not gonna Not too close! You're a walking time bomb.
He's saving the hideous grand finale for you.
I don't wanna get within a hundred feet of you! Go away, go away! He could strike anytime, anyplace! Okay, okay.
But I'm telling ya.
He's not gonna get me.
Go, go away! Shoo, shoo! Go, go! Shoo, shoo! Good morning, everybody.
May I join you, or is this table reserved only for B.
J.
And his victims? - Nope.
Anyone can sit here.
- Please do, Hawkeye.
Always a good sport, Father.
That's nice.
- Hello, Charles.
How good to see you back.
- Yes.
My goodness.
I was only gone for a day.
Why do you look a year older? - When was the last time you slept? - Or ate? That's why I thought I'd drop by.
Time for a satisfying breakfast of eggs and a strip of B.
J.
Then I shall repair to the safety of my tent and sleep the sleep of the victorious.
My, my, Mr.
Close-But-No-Cigar.
We're awfully quiet today.
Seems like only yesterday, you were saying that someone could get each and every one of us with a masterful joke from someone's worn-out bag of tricks.
- Hmm.
- I guess the bag just wasn't big enough, huh? Well, nice try.
You got all the others, but you didn't get me.
Well, now I I wouldn't exactly say that.
What are you talking about, Father? He got you.
He got you.
He got you.
And you.
And you.
He got everybody.
I saw it.
Oh, really? Did you actually see the live snake in my bed? Yes.
Yes, right on the end of the putter.
No, no.
Dead.
- And not actually in my bed.
- Huh? - Did you taste my toothpaste? - No.
- Did you see my file go blooey? - Or try my lunch? Or see my tush? You mean, he didn't get any of you either? Truth be known, Hawk, the only one that got got was you.
Me? You got me? Well, not exactly all by himself.
Hunnicutt's scheme was so brilliantly conceived it was an honor to be part of it.
It was fascinating to watch you turn into one giant basket case not knowing where or when B.
J.
Was gonna strike next.
My only regret was that I wasn't actually here to watch you disintegrate.
All right, but wait a second.
What about all that other stuff? What about Igor and the beans? And the kid with the cigar? Now, they were real.
Just normal, everyday gestures by normal, everyday people who didn't know it wasn't a normal, everyday day for a man whose imagination was running wild.
- How do you explain your buddy Yamato? - I don't.
He was the doctor they sent to replace Winchester, and I happened to know him.
I think you owe him an explanation.
He thinks you're out of your mind.
Well, there you have it, Hawk.
The best joke of all was the joke that never came.
Okay, okay.
I've been had.
Fine.
I've tossed down the gauntlet, and you beat me up with it.
That's fine.
You had your fun.
Now it's over.
I believe you have some table-hopping to do.
- Oh, come on, Beej.
- Up, up, up! - Get up here.
- A deal's a deal.
"You're the Tops.
" I can't hear you! Now I can't see you, Gypsy Rose.
Take it off, Hawkeye! I wanna see some skin! - Beej, you up? - Do I have to be? Yeah.
You gotta make rounds.
Oh.
Don't tell me you slept straight through from yesterday afternoon.
Probably the longest time I've spent in bed alone.
- Oh.
- Being humiliated can wear you out.
That's what you get for casting aspersions.
No hard feelings? No, no.
I've met my match.
I'll never tangle with the master again.
That's more like it.