Curb Your Enthusiasm s11e05 Episode Script

1
("CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM"
THEME MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
Hey, I really shouldn't
pay you, honestly.
Why should I pay?
You talked during the putt.
- I could've made that--
- I was talking pre-putt,
and you decided--
- No, it wasn't pre-putt.
- Yes, it was. It was pre-putt.
- Do you think that was pre-putt?
- It was definitely pre-putt.
Jeff, did he talk
during my putt?
I'm not saying anything.
- Oh!
- That's everything!
He just said everything!
- Jeff, you know what Dante said.
- JEFF GREENE: What?
"The hottest places in hell
are reserved for those
who in time of crisis
retain their neutrality."
- I don't wanna say anything.
- You're goin' straight to hell.
- You're like a desperate guy,
just grasping at, like
- LARRY DAVID: Desperate guy?
- You talked during the putt.
-quotes? Quotes from Dante
over the putt?
- Freddy! What's up, kid?
- My man! Hey, buddy!
- HAL BERMAN:
How you doing, Larry?
- Hey, Hal! Hey, Hal.
- You look good, buddy.
- LARRY: Thank you.
What the fuck did I do?
That was a snub.
That was a total--
No, no, no. It wasn't like
he didn't even look at me.
- He looked right at me.
- That was intentional.
- LARRY: That was a total snub.
- Yeah. I was uncomfortable.
- What the hell happened
with you two?
- I set him up on a date
with a friend of mine,
producer named Gabby McAfee,
and, uh,
he hasn't spoken to me since.
- What?
- JEFF: Yeah.
I have no i--
I have no idea why.
Did you try and contact him?
Yeah. I texted him, called him,
I walked up to him.
- Well how'd that-- What'd he do?
- Ignored me.
- Wow!
- JEFF: I don't get it.
She's beautiful, she is smart,
she is kind, she's great.
How come you didn't fix me up
with her if she's so great?
I don't know.
- What's her name? Gabby McAfee?
- JEFF: Gabby McAfee.
FREDDY: Probably
shouldn't even say it,
but it's probably
common knowledge.
You've heard the thing
about Hal, right?
- Oh, yeah. yeah.
- FREDDY: Yeah.
I think the whole club knows.
I have no idea.
He slept with his mother-in-law.
- Hal slept
with his mother-in-law?
- Yeah.
- Shut the fuck up. No way!
- Yeah.
- Liars!
- Okay. What did you hear?
I-- I only heard that he
fucked his mother-in-law.
Tell me more. What did you hear?
- That's all I got.
- What more do you need to hear?
- And that led to his divorce.
- JEFF: Oh, wow.
- That's what I heard.
- LARRY: Yeah.
But was it ongoing or one time?
I think it was
a couple times. Yeah.
- That's what I heard. Yeah.
- JEFF: Oh.
Wow. Gabby McAfee.
She's something.
- Yeah!
- Uh-huh!
She's a beautiful girl.
You'll set me up?
- All right, I'm gonna ask you
one quick question.
- Sure.
Did you fuck your mother-in-law
at any point?
(LAUGHS)
'Cause I ain't setting you up
if you did.
- Well
- Okay. Yeah, I'll call her.
- No problem.
- And you know what else?
Maybe I could do a little, uh,
- investigation.
- As to, uh--
As to what happened
on that date
that he would never
speak to you again.
- All right. Thank you.
- That looks good.
Look at you.
Still with the fries.
I love them. You want one?
Don't even ask. Jump in.
- Should I try one?
-(CUTLERY CLATTERS)
- SAUL BERMAN: (GROANS)
- HAL: You all right? Dad?
- SAUL: (GROANS)
- Oh, my God!
I think he's having
a heart attack.
-(CLAMOR)
- Call 911! Call 911!
- SAUL: (GROANS)
- Oh, my. That's Saul Berman.
Dad, come down to the floor.
Easy, easy, easy.
Is there a doctor in here?
You're all right. Just lay down.
- It looks serious.
- HAL: Hold my hand.
- Hold my hand.
- It does.
I got you. I got you.
Okay, Dad. Just breathe,
just breathe, just breathe.
I got you. Hold my hand.
Squeeze my hand. Here you go.
Okay. Good, good. All right.
Got you. Can you talk?
- Okay.
- HAL: Okay, okay. okay.
Want some water? Huh?
No? We got a doctor coming.
-(WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
- HAL: Okay.
Just squeeze it! Squeeze as hard
as hard as you can! Okay--
- All right.
- SAUL: (GROANS)
SAUL: (GROANS)
RADIO COMMENTATOR:
That wraps it up here.
Final score:
Knicks 101, Sixers 97.
Tom, what-- what was the problem
with the Sixers tonight?
-(PHONE RINGS)
- FREDDY FUNKHOUSER: Hello?
Hey, Freddy. It's me.
- FREDDY: How are you?
- I'm on my way to Katsuya
to meet Gabby McAfee.
FREDDY: Oh, nice.
You're chopping it up
with Gabby. I like it.
I just looked in the mirror,
and a button fell off my shirt.
I've got tons
of T-shirt exposed.
You can't have more
than three-quarters of an inch
of T-shirt showing.
FREDDY: Oh, that's terrible.
Would it be okay if I came over
and borrowed a shirt?
I'm right near your house.
FREDDY: Okay.
You wanna come get a shirt?
-Come get a shirt.
- Okay, great.
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC
PLAYS, STOPS) ♪
Tonight, we're gonna get
something great for you.
Are you sure
you don't wanna go T-shirt?
Because I think
it could look good.
- T-shirt, really?
- Very sinewy!
- You look fantastic!
- LARRY: Sinewy?
Look at that word
you just threw out.
You know, people
- people underestimate you.
- FREDDY: They do?
You're actually
a little brighter
than-- than you come off.
I'd bet you're sitting on some
pretty big words too,
when you need 'em.
Now, let's take a look.
I wanna try
for the same palette.
Yeah, I get it.
LARRY:
Just wanna be comfortable.
Oh, God!
Oh, Jesus. I just burned
the shit out of my hand.
What? Oh, jeez.
Because I just found something
pretty hot.
BOTH: (LAUGHING)
Oh, my hand! It's what? (GASPS)
You tell me, LD!
You tell me, LD!
Oh. Oh, yeah.
- Really nice item.
- Very nice item.
Well, you're gonna enjoy it.
I think she's gonna
enjoy it too.
All right, this is great.
I'll take it.
Yeah, I think
this will be great.
Thank you. Thank you, sir.
- Yes. May I help you?
- How do you do?
- Yes.
- Larry David, table for two.
Oh, you're the first one here!
Uh-- Shall I take your umbrella?
(SCOFFS)
I thought it was gonna rain.
What happened?
- Huh?
- I don't know.
- They said rain.
- Okay.
- I'm not crazy.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Yes, yes. Uh-- Table?
- Sure.
HOST: Ohitorisama goraiten desu!
BOTH: Irasshaimase!
LARRY: Oh! Well.
Thank you, thank you.
I love that greeting.
HOST: Please.
This is your table, sir.
- And your menu.
-(EXHALES SHARPLY)
And somebody will be
right with you, sir.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- There he is.
- HOST: May I help you?
Hi. Yeah,
I'm just meeting Mr. David.
- Oh, okay. Right this way.
- Yeah.
-(SHOUTS) Irasshaimase!
- CHEFS: Ira--
- GABBY MCAFEE: Whoa! Hello!
- LARRY: Hello!
I'm Gabby, obviously.
I love it!
- Huh? Do you love that greeting?
- I love it!
Is that the best greeting
you've ever had?
Absolutely!
- And do you speak Japanese?
-(INAUDIBLE)
Oh, yeah. I speak six languages,
including Guamish.
- That's what they speak in Guam.
- Island of Guam.
- Yeah, on the island of Guam.
- Chefs say "irasshaimase."
Could you please not say
"irasshaimase"?
- HOST: Thank you.
- What? That's-- What?
Sushi chefs say "irasshaimase."
Guests don't say "irasshaimase."
- Sorry.
- Thank you for understanding,
and enjoy your dinner.
Thank you.
- GABBY: Wow.
- The chef is upset
- that I said "irasshaimase"?
- I have been here 100 times.
I've never been reprimanded
by the host.
Is this the first time you've
been reprimanded by a host?
- Alas, no.
- GABBY: No?
You know,
maybe just tonight, first date,
we-- we're on our best behavior.
- Maybe?
-(LAUGHS) I'll try.
GABBY: (LAUGHS)
- Look at-- Delicious!
- I know.
This is my favorite place.
Thank you so much.
Larry, I wasn't even gonna
come on this date.
I mean, honestly, I've had
such bad luck since my divorce.
But Jeff told me
"Worst thing that happens,
it doesn't work out,
he's a great person
to break up with."
- Oh, yeah. I'm great.
- Oof! Really?
Oh, yeah. Like, if we go out,
like, for six months
or eight months or whatever,
all you gotta do is say, "Hey,
I don't wanna see you anymore."
And I go, "Ah! Okay."
No drama?
- Zero.
- That's a good quality.
I walk away,
and I never give you--
- Not another thought.
- I don't give you
another thought.
- Wow!
- Yeah.
That's That's almost, um
like a sociopath, but
- LARRY: (LAUGHS)
-borderline.
You know what?
That's one of the nicest things
anyone's ever said to me.
Well, do you have
any other good qualities?
Yes, I do.
Okay.
So discreet.
Really? Good at keeping
a secret, you think?
- Absolutely!
- Okay.
I want us to tell
each other something
we've never told anybody.
- Bring it on.
- Okay.
When I was younger, I was
a teacher in high school
(CLEARS THROAT, WHISPERS)
and I
slept with one of my students.
(CLEARS THROAT) Excuse me.
(CHUCKLES)
- Hmm?
- Did I just hear you say that
you were a teacher
in high school and
you slept with one
of your students?
- Did I get that right?
- Consenting people.
- Wow!
- He was 18.
Was he-- Was he a senior?
- Yeah.
- Did you go to the prom?
Oh, I'm not gonna go into this.
What was
his extra-curricular activity?
He was a basketball player.
That's it.
I'm not going to--
I'm not saying anything more.
- Did you go to the games?
- I told you the secret.
Did he give you a little wink
when he was playing?
If he made a shot,
did he look over?
- Larry, we don't need to get
into all this stuff.
- No, no. No, I'm just curious.
- You know what?
- What?
Time for you
to tell me your secret.
Let's hear it. Come on.
Give it up.
Okay, look.
I'll tell you this, okay?
- Okay.
- But honestly
you cannot mention this
to anyone, ever.
Larry, trust. Trust.
Okay. (CLEARS THROAT)
I have a fantastic shortcut
to the valley.
Tremendous.
- That's your secret?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
I told you
that I slept with a student.
Your secret is Waze.
Let me tell you something.
There's no comparison
- between these two secrets.
- No, there's not!
My secret
improves your quality of life.
Your secret's just interesting.
Why don't you tell me
the shortcut, and I'll be
the judge of how useful this
secret is?
Cosiano, Sepulveda,
Mulholland, Longbow,
Woodcliff,
to Valley-- Valley Vista.
That's your cousin.
I gotta write this down.
I gotta write--
No! Are you serious?
No, you can't write that down.
You lose it, somebody finds it.
No good.
Okay, but you can't tell
anybody what I said.
- What did you say?
- Uh-huh? That's funny.
- You like that?
- You're funny! (CHUCKLES)
- Hey, let me ask you something.
- Okay.
- You went out with Hal Berman?
- A couple times.
What's the deal? What happened?
I don't know,
you'd have to ask him.
Hmm.
You've got to try these
Brussels sprouts, Larry.
- They're amazing!
-(SIGHS)
HOST: Ofutarisama goraiten desu!
- CHEFS: (SHOUTING) Irasshaimase!
-(SCREAMS)
- GABBY: Oh.
- LARRY: What the
-(SHOUTS) Irasshaimase!
- CHEFS: (SHOUTING) Irasshaimase!
-(SHOUTS) Irasshaimase!
-(SHOUTS) Irasshaimase!
(SCREAMS) Irasshaimase!
(SILENCE)
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
LARRY: I had a great time.
That's all I can tell you.
- It was a great date.
- Great date?
(CHUCKLING) I don't know
what Hal's problem was.
What kinda things
did you talk about?
We talked about general stores.
-(CHUCKLES) You did, huh?
- Yeah.
- JEFF: Okay.
- Yeah.
Did you bring your general store
photo book with you?
I had photos in my phone
of different general stores
- throughout the country.
- Well, that's your passion.
- Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
That's my passion.
- That's your passion.
That's your great love.
(BOTH LAUGH)
She was good at conversation?
Fun?
The conversation
was flowing so easily.
I even left my umbrella
at the restaurant.
I gotta go back
and get it later.
But the rest of the date
went well?
I mean,
there was one weird thing.
- What was the weird thing?
- She wanted, like,
to do this thing
where we kind of
swapped secrets,
you know I don't know.
- What was her secret?
-(STUTTERS)
- You know, I'd feel terrible.
- It's me.
Why would you not tell me?
I wouldn't like myself
if I told you.
But you don't
like yourself anyway.
You cannot say a word
about this to anybody.
- Honestly.
- Come on.
Okay. Well, she used to be
a high school teacher.
Yeah.
- She fucked one of her students.
- She fucked one of her students?
- Are you fucking kidding me?
- She fucked one of her students?
Ooh.
- Yo
- Boy, that didn't take long.
(SCREAMS) You couldn't keep
that secret for five seconds!
I didn't directly tell him,
I indirectly--
But you did!
- That's so hot.
- LARRY: Yeah.
- Crazy hot. Sorry.
- That's real hot.
That's the shit right there.
Although I can't think
of any teachers
in my high school
that I really wanted
to have sex with.
There's only one teacher
but I--
that I wanted. Mrs. Fish.
I can tell you that Miss Rogers
was not the cause
of any tumescence
- among the young men
in my school.
- JEFF: Miss Rogers?
- LARRY: Yeah.
- What'd she look like?
- She was on death's door.
- ALL: (LAUGHING)
Veins popping out
all over her body.
Oh, man. In my case,
I fucked the school nurse.
She was fuckin' fine as shit.
Every time I had a tummy ache,
I tapped that ass.
So, did you make up that you had
a tummy ache just to go there?
Yeah. She gave me
a spoonful of Pepto-Bismol
and a fucking hand job.
(CHUCKLES) Thank you--
Thank you for your contribution.
He's got a wild imagination.
So, wait, wait.
What was your secret?
- I-- I can't tell my secret.
- JEFF: Why?
Because then,
it's no longer a secret.
- Yeah, but it's to me. Go.
- Okay.
I got a shortcut to the valley.
You got a shortcut
to the valley?
- LARRY: Yeah.
- You got a shortcut
- to the valley?
- JEFF: No one's got a shortcut--
- You fucking did it again!
- LEON BLACK: Shortcut?
- You did it again!
- I apologize. I apologize.
It was two secrets
in the space of a few minutes!
But you know a great shortcut
to the valley.
- LARRY: Yes, I do.
- And you've never told me.
- LARRY: It never came up.
- Never told him.
If I tell you the shortcut,
then it's no longer a shortcut.
You're not gettin' the shortcut.
Don't give me that look.
I know that look.
You're not gettin' it.
Fix the TV!
I can't fix that TV, man.
That TV is fucked.
It ain't gonna work.
I tried everything.
- LARRY: Seriously?
- Seriously.
- I need a new one?
- LEON: You need a new TV.
I just got a new TV. It's great.
- Really?
- Best TV I've ever had.
- Is that so?
- Yeah, come over
and take a look.
-(HIGH-PITCHED BEEPING)
- Oh. Freddy's shirt.
Wait a second.
JEFF: All right, let me get
something to eat.
Does your TV have, uh,
picture-in-picture?
- LARRY: Oh, man!
- Picture-in-picture?
-(GROANS)
- JEFF: That's old.
Look at this.
Oh, my God!
- Aw, damn.
- What happened?
I spilled soy sauce on it,
- and I tried to get it out
with soap.
- What kind of soap did you use?
- You know, just Dial.
- Bar soap?
- Bar soap!
- That's the worst!
- Really?
- JEFF: Oh, God! Yeah!
- Soap stains.
- Soap stains?
BOTH: Soap stains.
Who makes a cleaning
product that stains?
That's like
a Band-Aid that cuts!
Here's a little secret.
Freddy's shirt is fucked.
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
LARRY: Hey!
(SIGHS) Hey.
- Hi, Hal.
-(CLICKS TONGUE) Hey, Larry.
- How's, uh-- How's your dad?
-(SIGHS)
Ah, you know, not great.
Ah.
Came to get his
lucky rabbit foot.
He keeps it in his locker.
- LARRY: Oh, really?
- He got a hole-in-one with this,
so
Really? Maybe I should start
playing with a rabbit's foot.
- Huh?
- Yeah. You never know.
Well, um, give him my best.
Yeah. Well, why don't you pray
for him, huh?
Eh
"Eh"?
Come on, now. Pray?
Uh I'll feel like an idiot.
- I can't do that.
- Are you kidding me?
I don't-- I wouldn't even know
where to begin.
How do you even do it?
Do you get on your knees?
- Do you put your hands together?
- No, you don't have to--
Just say, "God, please make
Saul Berman live." That's it.
I can't do that.
Do you know that prayer to Jews
has been integral since,
you know,
getting out of Egypt, right?
I would submit it's as big
a waste of time
- as watching The Kardashians.
- I don't understand you.
This is why you join a club.
So that you can be together
with other members
in a time of need.
No, I joined for the golf.
And you know what?
I'm enjoying pickleball too.
- Have you played?
- What if your prayer
were the thing that saved him?
- Wait a second. Are you praying?
- Of course I'm praying.
So, let me put myself
in God's shoes for a second.
- Okay.
-"Oh, there's the son!
Oh, the son's praying!
Eh I need more than that.
I'm gonna need more than that.
Oh! Oh, there-- Ah, Larry David!
Oh! Okay, I'll save him!"
How do you know
prayers don't work?
Because I'm bald.
Hey, Hal!
You went out
with Gabby McAfee, right?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I had a date with her.
I'm seeing her again
on Saturday night.
Let me guess. Katsuya?
Yeah! Yeah,
she likes that place.
Yeah, well. Good luck.
What ever happened with you two?
I can tell you this much, Larry.
What goes around comes around.
"What goes around comes around."
(INHALES DEEPLY) Eh.
- Hey.
-Irasshaimase!
- How you doing?
- LARRY: Good.
How'd it go?
- The date?
- Yeah.
- Oh, went great.
- Well, tell me about her.
Uh-- She's everything
Jeff said, uh, she was.
That's terrific.
There was, unfortunately,
one casualty from the evening.
What did you do? What happened?
(PAPER BAG RUSTLES)
LARRY: Your shirt got ruined.
What the fuck happened
to the shirt?
LARRY: I'm so sorry.
The chef yelled out
"irasshaimase"
as I was pouring soy sauce,
and
it scared me, and-- and I
got it on the shirt.
Looks like you were a part
of a home birth or something.
So, it-- So-- So soy sauce
spilled all over it.
I put soap on it, and, uh
You never put soap
on a fabric like this.
I didn't know soap stains.
Ah, fuck.
I loved this shirt, man.
LARRY: (CLICKS TONGUE)
I'm so sorry.
You know, I called
the company to replace it
and they don't make it anymore.
How-- How do you replace
someone's favorite shirt?
What? Favorite shirt?
What are you talking--
You just don't buy another one.
- Favorite shirt?
- Yeah, it's my favorite shirt.
- You loaned me
your favorite shirt?
- Yes.
Why would you loan me
your favorite shirt?
Because I'm a friend,
and you were uncomfortable
going on the date.
Still, you don't give out
your favorite shirt.
- Oh, yeah, it's my fault.
- Everybody knows that.
What do we do?
How do we get out of this?
- I don't know.
- This is horrible.
I'm happy to replace it
with any shirt you want.
We can go shopping or--
I think the thing that would--
would mean something to me
would be you actually
giving me your favorite shirt.
That's really biblical,
real eye-for-eye stuff.
I'm not giving you
my favorite shirt.
That's out of the question.
Okay, fine.
Don't give me
your favorite shirt.
Just give me the gray and blue,
uh, two-tone shirt.
(SIGHS)
You're not getting
my blue and gray two-tone, okay?
You don't give up a two-tone.
That's my favorite shirt.
You know it.
It's not even up for discussion.
You never give up
a two-tone, ever.
Okay. I don't know
that I feel much like eating.
-(GLASS CLATTERS)
- I'm glad the date went well
and that I could be a friend
when you needed one.
LARRY: Oh, come on!
- Sorry, Freddy.
- Yeah.
Say sorry with the two-tone.
Pick out any shirt
in the closet you want.
Any one!
Why does it have to be
the blue and gray two-tone?
Irasshaimase!
Ah! Mr. Takahashi.
You don't say
"irasshaimase" here!
You know, I said it
at the Japanese restaurant,
and they didn't like it either.
That's because when you say it,
it sound redneck.
I'm not saying it right?
What-- How do you say it?
-"Irasshaimase."
-"Irasshaimase."
No, no, no. Terrible.
- Huh?
- MR. TAKAHASHI:
You know terrible?
- Yeah.
- That's you.
- Okay. All right. Okay.
-(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
Totemo kanashii.
Saul Berman.
- He not make it.
- Oh.
It's interesting
because you would think
that having a heart attack
at a country club like this,
- there'd be doctors around.
- No.
- Only plastic surgeon here.
- Hmm.
One more time
"irasshaimase" here, out!
Bakayarou!
HOST: We're not open, sir.
- Yes.
- Ah. Mr. David.
Hi. Uh
I left my umbrella here
last night.
Can you describe the umbrella?
It's a green umbrella.
It says, "Dallas Omni Hotel."
- Hmm.
- Yeah. There-- There it is.
It's right there.
Oh. You mean this umbrella?
Yeah. Yes.
Why does it say
"Dallas Omni Hotel?"
I was staying in the hotel.
It was raining.
They-- They let me take
the umbrella
when I went to the airport.
That's what they do
for their guests.
Should I return it to you
or Dallas Omni Hotel?
Return it to me!
I'll return it to the hotel!
Anyway, it's really not
your business.
- Give me the umbrella.
- No, no, no.
We will return it for you.
You don't need
to return it for me!
I'll return it myself!
It's not your umbrella!
But it's not yours either.
I borrowed it.
I'll return it. Okay?
Mr. David, I will be honored
to return this for you.
No. It would be my honor
if you gave it to me.
- Oh, it will be more our honor.
- No, it's my honor!
- No, my honor!
- My honor!
My honor! I want that umbrella!
That's my umbrella!
It is not your umbrella.
- All right.
Enough of this. Just--
-(YELLS)
You have no right to do this!
No right! You're stealing!
- You wanna call--
- I'm calling the police!
- Oh! Let's call the police!
- You're stealing!
A bald man steal umbrella!
Yes, let's report!
What do you care
about the Dallas Omni Hotel?
Because there's a rule
and regulation for everything.
- Ah.
- Ah!
Yeah, I see.
Now, I get the whole thing.
You're upset about--
that I irasshaimased
last night, right?
No, no, no, no--
Customer's not supposed
to irasshaimase.
- I didn't know. Nobody told me.
- Oh, I told you.
All right, but--
You did not follow
the rule and regulation.
Oh, I'm sorry if I didn't follow
the irasshaimase rules.
Oh, no. Umbrella rule
you didn't follow either.
Oh Oh
The precious irasshaimase rule!
"Only chef irasshaimase!"
What a bunch of crap!
I'll irasshaimase
any time I want!
I like irasshaimaseing!
It's very welcoming!
It feels very good
to irasshaimase,
and I'll continue
to irasshaimase!
I didn't steal
the umbrella, okay?
You're stealing the umbrella!
- Oh, yes!
- You're stealing!
Yeah! You're stealing!
HOST: (SCOFFS)
The irasshaimase! Oh! So sacred!
Irasshaimase! Irasshaimase!
Oh, come on!
(SIGHS)
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
INSPECTOR GREGSON:
This makes four, Inspector.
Four defenseless women
here in the heart of London.
And every one
with the right forefinger
-hacked off.
-(DOORBELL RINGS)
SHERLOCK HOLMES:
Not hacked, Inspector Gregson.
Cleanly, expertly severed.
GREGSON: Is there no way
of stopping this, Mr. Holmes?
-(DOORBELL RINGS)
- HOLMES: There's a way, somehow.
GREGSON: We can't get far
without knowing the motive.
- HOLMES: Well, at least we
know what the motives were not.
-(KNOCKING)
It wasn't robbery, nor passion,
thanks be, nor yet vengeance,
because they all came
of totally unrelated families.
Steady, Inspector. Steady.
(IMITATING BRITISH ACCENT)
"Steady, Inspector. Steady."
- GREGSON: Sorry, Mr. Holmes.
- HOLMES: Yes, it's horrible.
Come on, let's get a drink.
"Let's get a drink."
DR. WATSON: Well,
whoever's behind all this thing
must be out of his mind.
On the contrary, my dear fellow.
-"On the contrary,
my dear fellow."
- HOLMES: The most brilliant
and ruthless intellect
the world has ever known.
-You don't mean
Professor Moriarty.
-(DOOR UNLOCKS)
-I do.
- Oh, steady, Holmes.
-You've got him on the brain.
-(DOOR CLOSES)
"Steady Holmes,
you've got him on the brain."
- What are you doin'?
What are you doin' here?
- Oh! Hey!
Um
I'm getting a new television
and Jeff said you have
a great one.
He told me to come over
and let myself in
and check it out
and, you know, make myself
at home. So, you know--
Clearly you did,
just lying on the couch, huh?
- Oh, my feet weren't on there.
- Uh-huh?
Did you notice
where my feet were,
- how they were on the corner?
- Yeah. Yeah.
I hope you saw that.
Is it so terrible
for a person to look relaxed?
I don't understand what you're
doing here in the first place.
You looked at the TV, now leave!
I'm in the middle of this movie.
- In my house!
- LARRY: Sherlock Holmes!
Somebody's chopping off
women's fingers, okay?
- Uh-huh?
- And Holmes is on the case!
He's on the case,
he'll solve it. You could leave.
Okay, fine. Can I tape it?
No, because that would require
you returning to the scene
of the crime to watch it!
Is there any way you could
DVR it and then email it?
What am I, the fucking AV Squad?
No, I don't think so!
- Fine. I'll leave.
- Thank you.
By the way, there was somebody
who rang bell earlier.
- SUSIE GREENE: Who was it?
- I don't know, I didn't answer.
(INHALES) It was my dress.
It was my dress being delivered.
I need it
for the event this weekend.
Why didn't you
fucking answer it?
This is not my house.
I'm not even supposed
to be here.
- Why am I answering your door?
- But you were here!
Yeah, I was here literally,
but not figuratively.
All right, you know what?
You go pick the dress up for me.
All right? 'Cause you couldn't
get off your ass
to go to the door,
then you can go drive
all the way
to the dressmaker
and pick it up for me!
I don't understand.
If I wasn't here,
the guy knocks,
nobody answers, and you still
don't get your dress.
So how's it my fault?
But you were here! So now,
you go pick up my dress!
-"Steady, Inspector. Steady."
- What?
(IN BRITISH ACCENT) All right.
I'll pick up your dress for you,
but I feel it's only fair
to warn you
that this path you're on
is quite treacherous
and can lead
to unforeseen consequences.
Oh! No shit, Sherlock!
Just get the fucking dress,
okay?
GUEST: I'm so sorry
for your loss.
Oh, hey. Thanks for coming.
Thank you.
LARRY: What? Oh, no!
(HORNS HONKING)
Oh, my God!
Are you fucking kidding me?
-(HORNS HONKING)
- Oh, my God.
(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)
- Hello.
- Hey, it's me.
Uh-- Where are you?
The thing's about to start.
I'm on Longbow.
I took my shortcut,
but it's not working.
- There's traffic.
- JEFF: Oh, you're kidding.
LARRY: Oh, come on!
Why is there so much traffic?
There's never traffic
on this shortcut!
And I think Gabby
must have told people about it.
- JEFF: Ah
- I knew it!
I knew I shouldn't
have told her!
How long till you're here?
I think I'm just gonna
turn around and go home.
What?
So, you'll be a little late.
Yeah. I--
I can't sit in traffic.
I'm-- I'm too smart.
I'm not like these people.
You have to have done something
stupid to be in traffic.
I don't belong here.
I'm gonna turn around.
JEFF: (GROANS OVER PHONE)
LARRY: Tell--
Tell Hal I'm sorry.
(TIRES SCREECH)
(SIGHS) Larry's not coming.
Too much traffic.
- Turned around and went home.
- Ah.
Did he mention to you
what he did to my shirt?
Why did you give him
your favorite shirt?
I guess it's my fault.
You think it's my fault?
No. (MUMBLES)
What would you do if someone
asked for a nice shirt?
Uh If it's my friend,
I'd give it to 'em.
And then if they spilled,
what would be your expectation?
That they'd get it cleaned
and or replace it.
Yeah.
That's right.
I'm sorry for your loss.
SPEAKER: Devoted husband
to his lovely wife, Anna,
caring and loving father
to his sons, Hal and Caleb,
and, on occasion,
- not a bad golfer. (CHUCKLES)
- GUESTS: (CHUCKLING)
I know he would've been
very gratified
to see all his friends
and colleagues
who came out to pay tribute
to this wonderful,
wonderful man,
one of whom
I'd like to bring up right now.
- Freddy Funkhouser.
-(WHISPERS) I miss him.
Thank you.
(INHALES DEEPLY)
Saul was a terrible golfer.
Unless there was a little
scratch on the line.
- Then, he was Jack Nicklaus.
- GUESTS: (CHUCKLING)
- FREDDY: I loved him.
- Ah, Freddy. He loved you.
These moments matter.
And to look out and see
everyone here who made
such a sacrifice to be here,
I know for the family,
it means everything.
Larry David, uh,
couldn't make it here today.
He got stuck in traffic,
and he turned around
and went home.
GUESTS: (GASPING AND MURMURING)
FREDDY: You know,
Saul was the kind of guy
that would give you
the shirt off his back,
even if it was his favorite one.
He wouldn't care.
And if he was the one to stain
that shirt? Guess what.
He would've given you
his favorite shirt back.
He wouldn't just put his head
in the sand
and make it uncomfortable
for everybody.
Probably would've given you
two shirts.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
(SCOFFS) What the hell's
going on here?
I'm gettin' a lot
of dirty looks.
- Uh Freddy.
- What?
Well, when he spoke,
he said, "Larry David
couldn't be here today
because he got stuck in traffic
and turned around."
What? Is he nuts?
Why would he do that?
- I don't know. I don't know.
- That's crazy!
It's 'cause I ruined
his favorite shirt.
I stained it.
Who gives
their favorite shirt out?
- No-- No-- Nobody.
- Who lends it?
- You don't do that.
- JEFF: No. No.
And by the way,
so what if I missed the funeral?
-(GRUNTS)
- I went to his second wedding,
I went
to his 60th birthday party.
How many things is somebody
supposed to go through
in their life? It's crazy!
Then throw in a graduation
on top of it, a bar mitzvah!
- Yeah.
- I mean, there's no end to it!
What do they want from you?
None of this is your fault.
It's all Gabby's fault. Yeah.
-'Cause she's got a big mouth
- Mm-hmm.
- All right. You ready for this?
- What?
I know what happened with Hal.
- I figured it out.
- What?
She must've asked
for a secret on their date
then told everybody
about the mother-in-law.
No doubt about it.
- That's it.
- You nailed it!
LARRY: She's a blabbermouth.
- What an idiot!
- Yes.
Who goes on a date and goes,
"By the way,
I fucked my mother-in-law"?
(LAUGHS)
- I know, it's so crazy.
- JEFF: It's crazy!
But that's why
he's not talking to you.
So, you're-- you're done
with her? You're not gonna
see her anymore?
- Oh. No, I'm gonna see her.
- Oh, you are?
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh.
- MR. TAKAHASHI: (GRUNTS)
- JEFF: Ah! Mr. Takahashi.
Mr. Takahashi!
In honor of Saul Berman,
the club will be mourning.
So, no levity.
- Smiling okay?
- No. Not even smiling.
- Chuckling?
- No chuckling.
Hey, let me ask you a question.
Do you ever go to Katsuya?
- Oh, Katsuya?
- LARRY: Yeah.
Yes, my favorite.
Could you do me a favor?
I left an umbrella there,
and they won't
give it back to me.
Why not get new umbrella?
Oh, because you can't replace
this umbrella.
It holds up in gale-force winds.
It never goes inside out.
It's the best umbrella
I ever had.
No umbrella like that.
This umbrella is like that.
-Sou desu ka?
- What does that mean?
-"Is that right?"
- Oh "Sou desu ka."
-"Sou desu ka."
-"Sou desu ka."
-"Sou desu ka."
-"Sou desu ka."
- JEFF: "Desu ka."
-"Sou desu ka."
"Sou desu ka."
Anyway, what do you think?
Could you get it back for me?
No!
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
-(THUNDER RUMBLES)
-(RAIN POURS)
(THUNDER RUMBLES)
(SCREAMS)
(SCREAMS)
-(DOORBELL RINGS)
- SUSIE: Coming!
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Are you fucking kidding me?
No good?
GABBY: You're a sharp dresser,
you know that?
- LARRY: Yeah.
- What is this?
This, uh shirt?
- It's one of my two-tones.
- What's a two-tone?
It's got, uh,
two different colors
for the inside and the outside.
Do you ever dress up?
Do you have a tux?
LARRY: Yes.
Of course I have a tux.
GABBY: Do you enjoy
getting dressed up
or it's just the casual?
It's not the dressing up part
that's disturbing to me,
it's where you go
after you're dressed up.
- Tuxedo itself is fine. Yeah.
-(LAUGHS) Yeah.
Like, if I just sat in the house
with a tuxedo on,
that would be okay.
You'd be okay
just watching some sports?
Yeah. As long as I don't
have to go to the place
where I have to wear the tux.
(LAUGHS)
So, um, I had to go
to the valley the other day.
- Mmm.
- Imagine my surprise
when the traffic was backed up
to Sunset Boulevard.
- You
-(LAUGHS)
opened your big,
gentile mouth.
I told two friends.
Two friends
with very long commutes,
by the way. But that's--
That is not enough
to make a-- a-- a--
- a traffic jam to Sunset.
- No, no! It is!
Two friends
tell two other friends
tell two other friends!
- It's like the coronavirus.
- I am sorry
and I promise
I won't tell anybody else.
You know what? Even though
you gabbed and gave away
a precious secret
Yes?
I'm still considering
having sex with you.
(GASPS)
I'm not taking it off the table.
You're not taking it
off the table?
- No, no. For now.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Eh
We'll see how it goes.
- LARRY: Brussels sprouts.
- GABBY: Ew!
So many things
to find out about you!
- HOST: Oh, welcome back!
- Thank you.
- Oh, you're back too.
- LARRY: That's right.
Uh-- I asked for the same table.
- Right this way.
- LARRY: That-- That's okay.
We'll find it. Yeah.
Did you mail that umbrella?
- Uh-- Please, enjoy your dinner.
- Yeah, thank you. Yeah.
-Irasshaimase!
- Irasshaimase!
He steal umbrella
from Dallas Omni Hotel!
- She slept with student!
- He ask her to prom!
What?
- You told them?
- No, I didn't.
- You swore to me.
- I didn't say anything.
He was captain
of basketball team!
She blew him in car!
- DINERS: (GASPING)
-(SCOFFS)
(SCOFFS ANGRILY)
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
Gochisousama deshita!
CHEFS: Arigatou gozaimashita!
- Thank you for coming,
Mr. David.
- Oh, yeah. Sure.
Oh, my God! Look! Look at this!
Look what's going on here!
-(RAIN POURS)
- LARRY: Look! Look at this!
(SHOUTS) Hey!
That's my umbrella!
No.
It's Dallas Omni Hotel umbrella.
(LAUGHS)
("CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM"
THEME MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
(THUNDER RUMBLES)