It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s11e05 Episode Script

MAC: Hey, Dee! Dee! Dee! Dee! Do you want to take your feet off my bed, please? DEE: It's not your bed, okay? It's my goddamn floor! And how many times do I have to ask you guys to please just pick up your shit when you wake up in the morning! You're turning this place into the Superdome.
Superdome? That's, like, six years too late.
That's a super lame reference.
And it's kind of offensive.
You'll be happy to know, by the way, we are looking for a place right now.
All right? What about this place, man? Ah, it looks a little bit junky.
It kind of reminds me of here.
Yeah, this place is a piece of shit.
It's not junky, okay? You guys have destroyed everything, and that's why it looks junkier, like a couple of locusts.
Oh, I take that as a compliment.
It's not a compliment.
Well, it's biblical, so it's a compliment.
Yeah.
(stammers) Why is everything so goddamn expensive? I mean, I wish we hadn't burned down our rent-controlled apartment.
(both laugh) Yeah, you think? Dee, I will slap you in the teeth.
You think this is easy? We-we have a list of demands here.
We need two bedrooms.
We-we need two bathrooms, minimum.
You know what? Whatever.
What's your plan? Where are you guys gonna find a place that fits all of your needs for under 1,500 bucks a month? DENNIS: Well, guys, this is it.
Welcome to our beautiful new home.
CHARLIE: This is crazy.
You guys should've just moved into that empty apartment in our building.
The one where the family was murdered? Brutally murdered.
Pass.
This place is awesome.
You guys are gonna thrive out here, and I am not gonna have to worry about you hogging my shower anymore.
And we don't have to worry about getting ringworm.
You brought the ringworm.
Yeah, and now your apartment is infested with it.
Yeah.
Don't worry, you'll be back to giving each other worms soon enough.
These are city scum.
They can't hack it out here.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
You want to bet? Absolutely.
Okay, Frank.
So if Mac and I can live here for a month, then you have to pay our rent for an entire year.
Deal.
And if you don't, you have to sleep in bed with an old man for a year.
(laughing): Gross! What? Yeah.
What are you laughing about, Charlie? You already sleep with an old man, and for no reason other than you seem to enjoy it.
(laughing) Yeah.
Okay, you know what, Frank? You got a bet.
Won't last a month-- Frank is insane! This place is paradise, man.
We can really stretch out, you know? It-it's quiet, it's calm.
It's not like the city where everything is so stressful, you know? I'm-I'm just I feel at ease.
When was the last time that we had a home-cooked meal? Oh, dude (stammers) it's been forever.
Well, my friend, dig in.
Mmm.
Oh, my God.
Mac this is incredible.
You like it? Oh, my God.
Oh, that is such a relief because I worked so hard on it.
Yeah.
I call it Mac's famous mac and cheese.
(laughing) Okay, well, I don't know how I don't really know how famous it is.
I mean, I'm your roommate, and I've never heard of it.
So, what do you want to do after dinner? Uh well, see, the TV's not hooked up, so can't watch TV.
Um, there's not really any bars around here, so Right.
You know what we should do? Hmm? Let's just get a good night's sleep.
That's a good idea.
Yeah.
(faint chirp nearby) Yeah.
What was that? What was what? (chirps again) You hear that, that chirping sound? I did not, no.
Probably a smoke detector or something like that, huh? Right, yeah.
No big deal.
Hey, to a great night's sleep.
(crickets trilling) (low hissing) (smoke detector chirping) (fan blades swooshing) (distant lawn mower humming) (grunts) Good morning.
Mm.
Hey, man, did you hear that? The pool filter? Oh, my God.
It was like a jet engine.
I didn't get any sleep at all last night, you know? One noise is so much louder than all the city noises combined, you know? You just, you fixate.
Totally.
I get that, but I-I was actually talking about that chirping sound-- did you hear that? It was, like, happening all night.
No, I didn't hear that.
Oh, man, it was driving me nuts.
Yeah.
Anyway, want to roll? I, uh, got us some music.
I made this Creed mix.
Oh, uh, Creed, huh? Yeah, it's a long commute, so Yeah, I was thinking more, like, Bryan Adams.
Okay.
But it-it is Tuesday.
Yeah Which is technically my music day.
Right, it's Yeah, and that was cool and all when it only took us, like, ten minutes to get to work, but now we're looking at, like, an hour or so commute.
I'm thinking maybe more my thing.
But hey, you know what? Here's an idea.
Why don't you take a personal day? You know, I mean, we got a lot of property here.
It might be nice to have someone here to look after it.
Yeah.
You know, maybe get that TV working.
Maybe take a run at that, uh, pool filter? Oh.
Huh? MAN: Hey! You must be the new neighbors.
Name's Wally Schmidt.
No relation to Mike.
But don't tell my wife.
(chuckles) Boy, it sure is a hot one today, huh? Okay.
Nice to meet you boys.
What the hell was that all about? He just comes up and starts talking to us? Right, some guy comes up to me, I don't know what he's I don't know what he's up to.
No.
It's like the whole time, I'm staring at him, I'm thinking, does he have a knife? Are we gonna have to take this bitch out right now? No.
I don't know.
I don't know.
But it's-it's the city, though.
It-it's forced me to develop these sharp edges.
For protection, you know? I got to smooth them out.
We're in the suburbs.
Let's work on it a little bit.
Okay, all right.
Shall we? You know, 'cause now I'm all tense.
I don't want to bring this energy into work, you know? Luckily, I got the commute to relax.
Bought it at the five and dime (horn honking) Aw, merge, merge! You had your Come on, you got, you have to seize the goddamn gap! People are so goddamn inefficient! Oh, goddamn it! I don't care if you're old! Seize the gap! You old fat bitch! You fat bitch! MAC: So, how was your day? DENNIS: Good.
How was work? Any-any good stories? Charlie and Frank are doing something with Russian hats now.
Really? What? I don't know.
I couldn't follow any of it.
What did you do today? Did you, uh, fix that pool filter? Uh I tried.
But it turns out it's actually really complicated, and I didn't go to school for that, you know? Mostly I just tried to get the living room set up.
It took a little while to find a stud.
Yeah, I can, I can see that.
Maybe, uh, take another personal day tomorrow, huh? You know, maybe I will take another run at that pool filter.
Maybe try and do all the other things that you tried to do today, but, uh, you know do them.
(low hissing) Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up! (chirping) Aw, damn it! What is that? Played it till my fingers bled Was the summer of '69 (car honks) What's your plan, huh? Two miles an hour.
There you go.
(horn honks) Oh, gun it.
Use your signal, you cow! Jimmy quit Goddamn it.
Jody got married, I should've known (muttering): Unbelievable.
I don't see what the problem is.
(tires screeching) Hey.
Hey, hey! Slow down! Children play here, you fat cow! Hey, Wally.
Oh, hey.
(chuckles) Hot one today, huh? Yeah?! (door opens) Oh, that Wally loves to say "It's a hot one" when I already know it's a hot one.
'Cause I'm standing outside in the hot one.
Thanks a lot, Wally.
You know what? Tell me about future weather.
Don't tell me about present weather Oh, I didn't realize we had company.
Hey, Dennis.
This is Jimmy-- he's the pool guy.
I invited him over for dinner.
Mac, can I speak to you in the foyer for a second? Oh, uh Sure.
(chuckles) Excuse us for a second.
Just be a just be a just be a quick minute here.
Hey.
What? DENNIS: Come on, man.
You gonna invite some guy over to my house that I don't even know.
MAC: I just wanted to have, uh, somebody over for dinner.
DENNIS: So I got to have dinner with some guy, "Hey, pool guy.
" MAC: His name is Jimmy! DENNIS: Jimmy? I don't give a fuck what you do.
MAC: You could ask him about all sorts of things.
I mean DENNIS: What do you want me to ask pool guy? If he knew shit that I was interested in, he wouldn't be a fucking pool guy.
I said I'm sorry.
Yeah, yeah.
No, I'm just, uh (chuckles) I'm just confused, you know, I Here I am thinking that we got a pool that's outside.
Eh I didn't realize that we had an indoor pool.
Can we just forget about it and eat our dinner? It's just so funny.
We got enough money for two pools.
And yet we don't have enough money for a recipe book, 'cause here we are eating mac and cheese again.
You don't know how hard it is to be cooped up in here all by myself, okay? (laughs) At least you get to go to work.
I "get to go to work"? Yes.
Oh, everybody, hey, I get to go to work.
I "get" to have a job.
I "get" to have to make money for us.
Oh, my You know what, screw this.
Wh Oh, oh, yes.
Fine, just walk away right in the middle Dennis.
(thudding) Goddamn it.
What is that? Aah.
Son of a bitch.
What? Son of a bitch.
The hell you doing? Oh, do you hear it, too? I heard you bashing.
Yeah, yeah, that chirping? I'm pretty sure it's a cricket.
Okay, you know what, I'm gonna say something here, and it might not be popular, but I hate this place.
And I got to get back to the city.
I'm going nuts.
I miss the city, too.
I miss the action.
You know, I thought this place would soften my edges, but they're sharper than ever.
Dude, I cannot be cooped up here.
You know, cooking and cleaning and fixing.
All right, all right, calm down, calm down.
I I think I have an idea.
L-Let's let's invite the gang over.
You know, we'll clean up the place, we'll serve 'em a nice dinner, we'll show 'em how-how well we're doing, and I'll feel Frank out about this bet, you know, which in retrospect is completely ridiculous.
How are they gonna find an old man that's gonna go along with this? Right.
Exactly.
(chuckles) (doorbell rings) Mac and Dennis, old man.
Old man, Mac and Dennis.
DENNIS: Ah MAC: So, uh, what's with the hats? (Frank and Charlie laugh) I You wouldn't get it.
Uh-uh.
Yeah, you kind of had to be there, man.
Hey, how about that food, huh? Mac calls it "Mac's famous mac and cheese.
" And it is famous.
In my stomach.
(laughs) We're your friends, and I've never heard of it.
Hey, guys.
We are having so much fun at this house.
I'll tell you, I can't believe we ever lived anywhere else.
But I was just curious, if we were to lose this bet, what would the logistics be, like, with the old man thing? FRANK: Oh.
Well, I'll tell you what I'll do.
If you guys are cracking, you can forfeit now, I'll buy the three of youse a California king-size bed - to sleep in.
DEE: What?! No, they're not gonna forfeit-- this place is rad.
You want a little side action? No, no, no, don't muddy this with side action.
Dee, don't do it.
I'll take some side action.
No (huffs) Tell you what.
How about if they win, I'll take that California king bed for myself.
Fine, and if they lose, the three of you got to sleep with the old man.
(laughs) DEE: Fine.
Deal.
Goddamn it.
Excuse me.
I have to piss.
Out of my penis.
Right.
Okay, well, clearly Mac wants to speak to me in secret.
Uh, so excuse me.
Wha? Oh, good, you got my signal.
Yeah, got your signal.
Dude, we're not gonna make it, we're not gonna make it.
Yeah, dude, it's cool, man.
W-We'll figure it out.
It's No, no, it's not cool.
There's no way we're gonna make it.
And also, dude, what's with the hats? What is with those hats?! Dennis, I got to know.
They told me the story, and it didn't make sense, and now we can't get it out of them.
Look, dude, I don't want to sound racist, but can we just discuss the fact that it's an old black man? Yeah, mmm.
It was supposed to be an old man.
Just an old man.
Now it's a black man.
Dude, that's, like, a whole other thing.
That's two things.
That's two things, it's two things.
All right, you know what, let's Maybe we just we-we just we take the California king.
I mean, that's a big bed.
You want to share the bed with an old black man? No, of course not, I All right, that sounded racist.
I don't want to share a bed with an old man.
I'm just saying it's a big bed, and we could probably work it out.
Okay, so picture big bed, big bed.
Me on the side, you know, you right here.
Old man, right here.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Why am I in the middle? Black man should be in the middle.
Don't call him "black man.
" His name's not "black man.
" His name's "old man.
" Let's stick with "old man.
" Okay.
Just sounds better.
All right, so how about this? You and I on the big bed, side-by-side, black man, he's Now you got me doing it.
Mmm.
Old man is down at the bottom, sideways, like a dog.
Are you calling black people dogs? No, that's not what I That's very racist.
What the hell is going? (gasps) Oh, my God.
You guys are cracking, aren't you? (scoffs) Nah, it's-it's, like fine.
Nah, it's fine.
What?! - It's soul-crushing, Dee.
- Oh, my God, I can't make this house into a home.
I didn't go to school for that.
He didn't go to school for it.
No.
Well, why did you let me take the side action?! I told you not to take the side action! You bitch.
You bitch.
Why didn't you yell it so I could hear it? I'm tired of yelling.
Damn it.
Now we got to figure out where Dee goes in the bed.
DENNIS: Oh, right, Dee's got to be in the bed.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'll tell you exactly where Dee goes, okay? Dee goes right in the goddamn middle of her brand-new California king-size bed all by herself.
How are we even having this conversation?! All you boys have to do Guys, all you got to do to win is just exist.
Hey, morning, buddy.
You're up early.
Yeah, I'm up early, and I'm feeling great.
You know, I was thinking about it, and Dee was right.
All we have to do is exist here for the next couple weeks, and we win this bet.
So check this out.
I made you that.
"Mac's Honey Do List"? Yep.
That is a list of chores to give you a sense of purpose, so you don't feel so cooped up and lonely.
How's a list of chores going to make me feel less lonely? Well, check out chore number one.
"Name the dog.
" Well, that's so stupid.
I don't have a dog.
You sure about that? Yeah, positive.
I don't have a dog.
I mean, I had Poppins, but he's gone.
Are you sure? I don't have a dog.
What do you mean, am I sure? Of course I'm sure.
I wouldn't be so sure.
What are you doing? Why What are you okay? Look behind you, asshole.
Oh.
(gasps) You got me a dog? Yeah.
Oh, my God, he's so cute.
I mean, he's no Poppins, but Yeah, he's a lot better than Poppins, trust me.
Oh, Dennis, Dennis.
I'm gonna name him Dennis.
Huh? You're Dennis.
He's Dennis Jr.
Weird.
Um, but sure, yeah, that's fine.
Hey, so why don't you go ahead and cross number one off the list there? See how it feels.
Okay, yeah.
Hey, what's a-a couple weeks between two best friends, right? It's whatever we make of it.
So why don't we agree right now to make these next few weeks the best of our lives? You with me, buddy? I'm with you.
I'm gonna raise this guy like he was our own son.
Okay.
(laughing) Yeah.
Weird.
I remember when I remember, I remember when I lost my mind No, don't merge, don't merge.
We're all we'll all wait! We'll all wait for you to send your text! You fat pig! How you doing, neighbor? (whirring) Does that make me crazy? Shut up! (chirping) Does that make me crazy? Does that make me crazy? DENNIS: I'm not letting you in, pig! Gonna show up to work, have everybody be like, "Why is there blood all over you?" 'Cause I had to slit the guy's throat who causes all the traffic! Boy, it sure is a hot one, huh? Who do you, who do you think you are? Ha ha ha, bless your soul (barking) (chirping loudly) You really think Shut up.
You're in control? (whirring) (laughing): I can't believe it.
Well, I think you're crazy Goddamn it! Damn it I hate the fucking suburbs! I think you're crazy I think you're crazy WALLY: Hey, buddy.
Haven't seen you for a bit.
You've probably been staying inside to avoid this, uh, heat wave, huh? Boy, it's been hot.
It's hot, huh? Yeah.
It is super hot.
Yeah.
It's getting real hot around here.
So hot, Wally.
But you don't really know what hot is, do you? Hot's a storm.
You ever been in a storm, Wally? I mean, a real storm? Not a thunderstorm, but a storm of fists raining down on your head.
Blasting you in the face.
Pummeling you in the stomach.
Hitting you in the chest so hard you think your heart's gonna stop.
You ever been in a storm like that, Wally? (screaming) MAC: Dennis.
Dennis.
You okay, dude? Yeah.
Who you talking to? No one.
What's that? Dog grave.
Oh.
Anything exciting happen at work today? Uh-uh.
Well, I called up there.
They they said you weren't even there.
Can we not talk about my day? Sure.
Perhaps we can talk about my day.
And how was your day? Not great.
You know, with the dog dying and all, but somehow, old Mac pulled it together.
He cooked for you, and he cleaned for you.
In fact, Dennis, everything I do, I do for you.
What are you talking about, man? I'm talking about everything I do, I do for you! And everything you do, you do for yourself! Sleeping in your car.
Eating at Applebee's.
Were you spying on me? Oh, don't you turn this around on me.
All you do is think about yourself! You didn't even notice that I switched up the mac and cheese.
Is that what this is about? The goddamn mac and cheese? Well, yeah, I noticed! You put meat hunks in it! Wow! Hunks of meat! Mmm! Well, of course Dennis would like Dennis.
What? It's Dennis! What are you talking about? You're eating the dog! (laughing wildly) Oh! Oh! Oh, God! What is wrong with you? I don't know! I guess it was just a cry for attention.
You didn't even blink twice when I told you that the dog was dead.
I can't live with you anymore in this goddamn place.
I'm out of here.
I'm gonna go stay in a hotel.
Where's my suitcase, Mac? Wait.
Wait, wait.
Wait, wait.
Dennis, Dennis, Dennis, Dennis, Dennis Tell me about Mac's famous mac and cheese.
Okay, I can explain.
I called it my famous mac and cheese as-as a joke.
But then it seemed like you like it.
You like that it was Mac's famous mac and cheese.
And so I just kept saying it.
You're pathetic.
You're the one that's sitting at Applebee's eating pot stickers all by yourself.
You're the one that's pathetic.
(doorbell rings) Oh.
Well, that must be nosy Wally.
Coming to see what all the fighting's about.
Well why don't we show him what all the fighting's about? Why don't we show him right now? Wait, wait, wait! Dennis, Dennis, calm down.
Don't you tell me to calm down.
(smoke alarm chirps) There's that chirping again.
How are you not hearing that? News flash, asshole! I've been hearing it the entire goddamn time! Then why wouldn't you say something?! Because I hate you! Oh, my God.
(whooping) You did it! Look at this! Huh? We did what? You got this, man.
Hey, in less than a minute, Almost there.
you guys will have been here a month.
Yep.
We almost we almost won the bet? Yeah.
We almost did it! W-W-We almost won the bet? We're gonna do it! We're gonna win the bet! We're gonna win the bet! Yeah! Here it is, paid in full: one year's rent.
(laughing): Free rent for a year! We did it! We did it! Free rent for Wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Free rent for where? For right here.
Here we go.
In five, four, three, two, one.
Hey, guys.
Is he dead? Yeah, I think so.
Quiet your ass down.
Sorry, black man.
Old man.
Old man.
Sorry, old black man.
God damn it.