Mock the Week (2005) s11e05 Episode Script
Josh Widdicombe, Milton Jones, Miles Jupp
This programme contains strong Hello.
Welcome to Mock the Week.
I'm Dara O'Briain.
Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Josh Widdicombe and Miles Jupp, Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
APPLAUSE We start with a round called if this is the answer, what is the question.
On the board are six categories, Josh, which would you like? Can I go sport.
OK.
The answer is: 74 years.
What's the question? Is it what is the official age at which you can be racist and get away with it? much back taxes does Jimmy Carr owe? CHEERING Is it when will it stop raining? it the traditional amount of time between a person's first meal at a Harvester LAUGHTER .
Is it how long would it take Beckham tpwok eat a Cornish pasty? Is it how long a minute feels in the presence of Louie Spence.
would it feel like if Prince Charles was agreeing with the answer 74? 74 years.
Is it how long will Katy Holmes have to look over her shoulder? it how long after eating mackerel is it safe to burp again? Is it what is the average age of the person buying Beyonce's new track, all the shingle ladies? APPLAUSE Is it if you come out of a toilet at a music festival, how long do you suggest to the person going in that they should leave it? Is it what is the distance of my exclusion order from Doctor Who's assistant? LAUGHTER Is it when.
last British man enter a final at Wimbledon? In the singles.
Yes! Thank you very much.
Yes, the correct answer was before Andy Murray how long had it been since a British man reached a Wimbledon singles find.
Andy Murray was the first since Bunny Austin was runner up in 1938.
I would ask you to temper your comments, jokes and your observations with the fact that Andy Murray, the runner up in the British men's singles final is actually in the audience at the moment.
Big hello to Andy.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you very much.
Andy said specifically, no fuss.
Just going to drop in, at the back of the show, just enjoy the gig, just like anyone else would.
Not a big thing happening.
If you could just, all I'm saying is a pleasure to have you here.
Enjoy the show.
We obviously when we're talking about the final, keep it light, keep it light.
Why don't we talk about Bunny Austin.
My grandfather used to drive a Bunny Austin.
Were you watching? Yeah.
It was very, very emotional.
I was crying and I didn't really know why I was crying, just everybody with me was crying.
It was like we'd been watching Terms of Endearment.
Greatest tear jerkers of all time, Terms of Endearment, and Andy Murray trying to congratulate Roger Federer without calling him a bastard.
was emotional.
What I loved was Ivan Lendl.
He's a man, you know, he wears his heart on his sleeve, emotion.
Here's Ivan Lendl, he's sad.
He's happy.
He's excited.
like the fact that nothing changes.
There's a tendency to presume the more natural would be like Gok Wan or something.
You go! You're looking great down there.
I'm not having a go, Andy, I shouldn't start like that! Feel the mood in the room change there.
Ivan Lendl I understand is famous for being the best player never to have won Wimbledon.
As an appointment to try and win Wimbledon.
That's like I'm trying to catch a road runner, let's ask Wile E Coyote for answers.
If he had been hit on the head by an anvil, he would have looked like this.
If I won Wimbledon, the first thing I'd do is sort the one-way system out.
APPLAUSE I think it's all right to be like.
That this is something that Andy Murray comes in, a huge criticism about Andy is he's so uncommunetive in post-match interviews.
You'd be like that if after work every day you'd have to pass somebody going amazing photo copying in the middle of the day, what was going through your mind.
They're lucky that they don't finish the reports, this is Tim Franks from Wimbledon A&E with a tennis racquet up my arse.
The people I saw in the crowd were the four Andy Murray supporters who had M-U rryr on their shirts.
There's four of them.
Why did they go for the surname and not the first name? The problem really is the fact that British players aren't used to those facilities.
If those courts were turned into claked black Tarmac with weeds growing out of them, we would win a lot more turnaments.
And if that didn't work, you make sure that every fourth ball is flat.
Rounds would last longer if the nets all dipped by about six inches.
middle class couple at the side, I think you'll find we're on in five minutes.
Give them five balls, wherever they're hit, they have to get them.
All of a sudden the ball boys picked up the wrong tube and you get Pringles.
I like when they throw the ball into the crowd.
And football, they throw their shirt into the crowd.
I'm off the darts team.
Andy was lucky they closed the roof.
It wasn't raining, it's just that Sir Cliff Richard was in and they didn't want to take any chances.
APPLAUSE Which unlikely British player won a tight thl year? Tim Henman? Bunny Austin? No.
Vanessa Feltz.
This was a guy called Marray, which is interesting because it's only one letter away from Murray and that got me worried that maybe it's a vowel thing and Andy's in a queue.
He's not going to win until Mr Merry, Mirery and MORI have all this theirs in.
Jonathan Marray one of those two there LAUGHTER Is The one applauding in a suit Won the doubles with his partner Frederick Neilsen.
You win two trophies and a midge it butler? Why was a Preston to London megabus stopped on the motorway this week? The usual reasons.
This was a story where a passenger reported see something smoke coming out of some other passenger's bag, thought it was a bomb.
Turned out it was a fake cigarette producing water vapour.
Let's face it, if you've been pulled over, loads of police have arrived, you've got guns in your face, you're being accused of being a terrorist, that's not going to help you give up smoking, is it? They shut the M6, 13 fire engines, four ambulances and an Army bomb disposal truck attended.
They walked people off with their heads in their hands and made them sit in the mid.
Road.
Those people on the megabus, that's not the first bad trip they've been on.
Some of them on the road were thinking, this is one of the most luxurious part of the journey so far.
Nothing against the service itself, you drive a lot on the motorway going to Giggs, the back of the megabus, when you're driving along, if you haven't had the pleasure, you get hypnotised by that weird thing.
Why does that man I was staring at that man's breasts going Where can you ge for �1.
think you'd have to contact megabus.
Plus the 50p booking fee as if people are going to go, well, that's a rip off.
I walked in here with this in my hand.
I expect to be transported to a far-away land, then I find you want more money off me.
Screw you megabus man, yellow man with enormous boobs.
APPLAUSE I apologise, I know when you're disappointed you don't go "I am disappointed.
" Megarepresents the top of the list of the decadence of the West.
We will bring the west to its knees, middle aged women from the north will no longer be able to go to gnat nays in the West End.
Students will not visit their girlfriends in far away towns.
you think when they were drap dragged off the bus, they were still close enough to use the free WiFi? The only thing irritating about this, people were going wear the hat, wear the hat.
They gave me a yellow hat because they think I look like the megabus guy.
That means that man looks like a penis sausage.
They should call it penis sausage.
com.
You're just bringing this up to make people forget you look like a penis sausage.
You just look like a penis sausage in a yellow hat.
APPLAUSE Lost ownership of the joke now.
Somebody's got another new Avatar.
At the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Milton.
Now, we play a round called 50 shades of mock.
This game involves Milton, Andy and Josh.
If you could make your way to the performance area, please.
This round is our stand-up challenge.
I launch the wheel of news, one of the performers must step forward and talk about the subject chosen.
The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.
Let's spin the wheel.
So the -- so the first is money.
Andy Parsons.
So, wonga.
com current interest rate 4,214%.
They've got some balls, haven't they? People take them up on it.
I don't know what happens, do they go oh, look, 4,214% - that seems about right.
And why is wonga.
com successful? Because the banks aren't lending.
Why? That is what banks are supposed to do.
Oh, I'm a prostitute, do you shag? No.
I just sell pet insurance and break down cover.
At the moment, the whole world economy is being propped up by the Chinese.
China being run by two men, the Chinese premiere, a man called wen and the President, a man by the name of who.
I kid you not, China being run by when an who.
It's like a skit.
Who's the Chinese premiere? No when is the President.
Who's the Chinese President? I don't know.
No.
When has never been the Chinese President.
OK.
Let's spin the wheel again.
The next subject is technology.
Josh.
People say technology is moving forward, but I'm not sure.
I'm increasingly finding myself at cashpoints where they can't even be bothered to make the buttons line up with the screen.
There is no stress in the world like that.
I'm going please God let this be �20, if this is �40 I might as well kill myself.
Worse, the screen is angled so that if the sun is on it you leave with a new PIN number and a chequebook in the post.
People are going piss off, mate, it's it's not winner stays on! I'm really stressed at the cashpoint, because I've already had to stand there for ten seconds, unable to put my card in because it is still thanking the guy who has already pissed off.
Who is hanging around for that! I've got my card, my cash, hold on, guys.
It is a bloody pleasure doing business with you! APPLAUSE That leaves us with Milton.
The topic is employment.
LAUGHTER I used to dream of having a job.
Sometimes I go down to the bottle bank and stick my arms down the holes and pretend I'm working in a nuclear-processing facility.
LAUGHTER I lost my job as a prison officer for organising a lock- in.
LAUGHTER I only had one job as an architect but apparently a revolving mosque makes it difficult to pray towards Mecca! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE My first day working on a building site I felt sure someone would ask me to get something that didn't exist - like striped paint or something.
Sure enough someone asked me to get an air ambulance.
LAUGHTER Well, I played them at their own game.
Took my time.
I said oh, no, I couldn't seem to find one.
You should have seen his face.
It was blue.
LAUGHTER Years ago of course I used to supply filofaxes for the Mafia.
I was involvinged in very organised crime.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Thank you very much.
LAUGHTER Shall I tell you how Ivan Lendl reacted to that joke.
APPLAUSE Now we play a game called Picture Of The Week.
A topical image and tell me what's happening.
What's going on here? Is it Dyson unveils most powerful vacuum cleaner yet? Is tit centrefold of Engineering Porn Monthly? Is it preparation continues for Eric Pickles's colonic irrigation? best contestant ever on Scrap Heap Challenge? Is it that man saying, "Well, if this thing falls on me, at least I've got a hat on.
"? LAUGHTER Regrettably that's the only printer my computer will recognise.
Goal line technology bigger than expected? Is it the fitting of Eamonn home's gastric band? Is it something to do with science? APPLAUSE Touche.
Is it the CERN Higgs boson thing? Yes! I will accept that.
APPLAUSE Yes it is the CERN Higgs boson thing.
Also known as the Large Hadron Collider.
This is the news a physicists have declared there is overwhelming evidence they've discovered a new particle that bears all the hallmarks of the Higgs boson.
It is considered one of the most important scientific advances of the century.
Before I get tow comment on this, bear many mind in the audience tonight we have Professor Higgs, who has come all the way from There she is! APPLAUSE She is an unbelievably shy woman.
For many years she has in public only wanted to appear as an old man.
Stop pointing the camera at that poor randomly chosen woman.
There he is! That's her as we more normally know her.
I reckon you have some glasses down there.
.
You could have a crack at that one as well.
I am not doing every face in the show! He is known as Professor Penis Sausage.
It is this big! They found the Higgs boson.
I cannot look like everything that we discover on this show.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE That is Jonathan King! Isn't he an astonishing bloke, the Professor, didn't he also teach Eliza Doolittle to speak properly? lectures at Edinburgh University and until recently he was the Scottish Professor Higgs, but now suddenly he's British.
That's one for Andy Murray.
It was lovely though, because he didn't expect it to happen in his lifetime.
He's 83.
He proposed this idea over 40 years ago.
It is nice to have a happy story about an 83-year-old travelling to Switzerland.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE If you complete that word at the back of his head it says, "Jedi.
" APPLAUSE What did he do when he found out? He cried.
Everybody cries.
It is all tears now, boohoo.
Things have gone well, things have gone badly, boohoo.
That's why there is no more hosepipe bans.
Did he think, I'm going to splash out on a Megabus back to Edinburgh? It's a real shame, this business, they've spent a lot of time and money and that's time and money they could have spent for instance working out how to make slightly less noisy hand driers.
I find that incredibly annoying.
I love the moment in the show when we really catch the public mood.
I can't believe he got a standing ovation at Wimbledon and I came up with my thing about hand driers and nobody did a locking thing! Why is this bad Why is this discovery bad news for Stephen Hawking? This is because he's lost a bet, a $100 bet.
He said that they'd never find the Higgs boson particle.
But you have to say the person who he's had a bet with, you'd have to be a bit of a bastard to take the money off him wouldn't you? You wouldn't bet Stephen Hawking $100.
Surely, if you're going to bet him anything, you'd bet him a go on his chair.
We may have gone over the line.
We'd better check Hawk-Eye.
Stephen Hawk-Eye would be a great thing.
# It's out.
The ball was out.
NEWLINE # It was out #.
It was out.
It's been out for billions of years.
The strange thing about Stephen Hawking is that he's a British person we sort of know as having an American accent.
It must be an astonishing thing.
He must have a memory of his own voice and yet this thing comes out.
Makes me feel terribly sorry for him.
At least it's not a Brummie accent.
Nobody would have believed him, would they? "I've got a theory, have you seen it? I've got a theory about time.
Is it? Off you go then.
" At the end of that round the points go to Miles, Josh and Andy.
Now we come to "Scenes We'd Like to See".
So if everyone can make their way over to the performance area, please.
I'll read out this week's topics and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
The first subject is: Things you won't hear at the Olympics.
Very impressive.
Usain Bolt has done a lap of honour and won the 400m as well.
APPLAUSE So, Daley going for three-and-a- half somersaults with pike, and you have to say the pike doesn't look too happy about it.
LAUGHTER Good morning.
No surprises here at the final of the archery LAUGHTER Victoria Pendleton's cycling couldn't be faster at the moment, desperately trying to get away from a horny Boris Johnson.
LAUGHTER She was hoping for bronze, but sadly for Sue Barker she is bright orange.
LAUGHTER I would like to apologise for my earlier mistake.
We are, in fact, watching the javelin, and not as I said, dwarf darts.
LAUGHTER And all of the sailing golds have gone to the Somali team in exchange for the safe return of Sir Steve Redgrave.
APPLAUSE That is the fifth girl to jump off the top board and miss the huge pool below.
Women divers! LAUGHTER This gymnast has a maximum degree of difficulty.
His name is Cherjick, Kiddock, Kelick, Flippy, Flipper.
LAUGHTER That is the ten-minute free view of the beach volleyball.
If you'd like to watch the full version, please enter your PIN now.
APPLAUSE And the crowd are on their feet.
So much for getting the stadium finished on time.
APPLAUSE Well, that really was a spectacular day of weightlifting, but before we go, we've got time to just look over some of the most spectacular anal prolapses we've seen today.
LAUGHTER AS COMMENTATOR: Lane one, a family eating popcorn.
Lane two, two guys on a stag night.
Lane three, I'm in the wrong place.
This is bowling! And now in the weightlifting, it's the snatch.
LAUGHTER She's a big girl, but it's still compulsive viewing.
Well, here at Weymouth our gold medal prospect is out.
APPLAUSE In the last race he touched a boy and he's been arrested by Social Services.
Okay, next topic.
"Unlikely Things To Read In A Children's Book".
And so the tiger came to tea and then shagged another woman and went back to playing golf.
LAUGHTER As soon as Professor Snape saw Hermione, he knew in a few years she would be really hot.
APPLAUSE IN A GRUFF VOICE.
What's a Gruffalo, said the Gruffalo.
It's a buffalo on 40 a day.
APPLAUSE These bacon sandwiches are delicious, said Pooh.
Aren't they, Piglet? Piglet? LAUGHTER And so 101 dalmatians fell asleep.
Hang on, those aren't dalmatians.
Those are just ordinary white puppies riddled with bullets! APPLAUSE Hello, my name is the very hungry caterpillar.
I have an eating disorder.
LAUGHTER Unfortunately, Bob the Builder couldn't fist it, because Bobski the Polish Builder had undercut him and done a far better job.
LAUGHTER This place is rubbish, said Edmund.
Doesn't anybody have sex here? Oh yes, said Aslan.
What do you think the griffins are for? LAUGHTER But despite his protests, Mr Tickle was put on the register.
LAUGHTER After years of depression and alcoholism, the little girl emigrated.
And that is the end of Alice in Sunderland.
LAUGHTER This is poo corner, explained one of the other captives.
LAUGHTER Have you heard about Badger, said Ratty.
He's been gassed to stop the
Welcome to Mock the Week.
I'm Dara O'Briain.
Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Josh Widdicombe and Miles Jupp, Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
APPLAUSE We start with a round called if this is the answer, what is the question.
On the board are six categories, Josh, which would you like? Can I go sport.
OK.
The answer is: 74 years.
What's the question? Is it what is the official age at which you can be racist and get away with it? much back taxes does Jimmy Carr owe? CHEERING Is it when will it stop raining? it the traditional amount of time between a person's first meal at a Harvester LAUGHTER .
Is it how long would it take Beckham tpwok eat a Cornish pasty? Is it how long a minute feels in the presence of Louie Spence.
would it feel like if Prince Charles was agreeing with the answer 74? 74 years.
Is it how long will Katy Holmes have to look over her shoulder? it how long after eating mackerel is it safe to burp again? Is it what is the average age of the person buying Beyonce's new track, all the shingle ladies? APPLAUSE Is it if you come out of a toilet at a music festival, how long do you suggest to the person going in that they should leave it? Is it what is the distance of my exclusion order from Doctor Who's assistant? LAUGHTER Is it when.
last British man enter a final at Wimbledon? In the singles.
Yes! Thank you very much.
Yes, the correct answer was before Andy Murray how long had it been since a British man reached a Wimbledon singles find.
Andy Murray was the first since Bunny Austin was runner up in 1938.
I would ask you to temper your comments, jokes and your observations with the fact that Andy Murray, the runner up in the British men's singles final is actually in the audience at the moment.
Big hello to Andy.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you very much.
Andy said specifically, no fuss.
Just going to drop in, at the back of the show, just enjoy the gig, just like anyone else would.
Not a big thing happening.
If you could just, all I'm saying is a pleasure to have you here.
Enjoy the show.
We obviously when we're talking about the final, keep it light, keep it light.
Why don't we talk about Bunny Austin.
My grandfather used to drive a Bunny Austin.
Were you watching? Yeah.
It was very, very emotional.
I was crying and I didn't really know why I was crying, just everybody with me was crying.
It was like we'd been watching Terms of Endearment.
Greatest tear jerkers of all time, Terms of Endearment, and Andy Murray trying to congratulate Roger Federer without calling him a bastard.
was emotional.
What I loved was Ivan Lendl.
He's a man, you know, he wears his heart on his sleeve, emotion.
Here's Ivan Lendl, he's sad.
He's happy.
He's excited.
like the fact that nothing changes.
There's a tendency to presume the more natural would be like Gok Wan or something.
You go! You're looking great down there.
I'm not having a go, Andy, I shouldn't start like that! Feel the mood in the room change there.
Ivan Lendl I understand is famous for being the best player never to have won Wimbledon.
As an appointment to try and win Wimbledon.
That's like I'm trying to catch a road runner, let's ask Wile E Coyote for answers.
If he had been hit on the head by an anvil, he would have looked like this.
If I won Wimbledon, the first thing I'd do is sort the one-way system out.
APPLAUSE I think it's all right to be like.
That this is something that Andy Murray comes in, a huge criticism about Andy is he's so uncommunetive in post-match interviews.
You'd be like that if after work every day you'd have to pass somebody going amazing photo copying in the middle of the day, what was going through your mind.
They're lucky that they don't finish the reports, this is Tim Franks from Wimbledon A&E with a tennis racquet up my arse.
The people I saw in the crowd were the four Andy Murray supporters who had M-U rryr on their shirts.
There's four of them.
Why did they go for the surname and not the first name? The problem really is the fact that British players aren't used to those facilities.
If those courts were turned into claked black Tarmac with weeds growing out of them, we would win a lot more turnaments.
And if that didn't work, you make sure that every fourth ball is flat.
Rounds would last longer if the nets all dipped by about six inches.
middle class couple at the side, I think you'll find we're on in five minutes.
Give them five balls, wherever they're hit, they have to get them.
All of a sudden the ball boys picked up the wrong tube and you get Pringles.
I like when they throw the ball into the crowd.
And football, they throw their shirt into the crowd.
I'm off the darts team.
Andy was lucky they closed the roof.
It wasn't raining, it's just that Sir Cliff Richard was in and they didn't want to take any chances.
APPLAUSE Which unlikely British player won a tight thl year? Tim Henman? Bunny Austin? No.
Vanessa Feltz.
This was a guy called Marray, which is interesting because it's only one letter away from Murray and that got me worried that maybe it's a vowel thing and Andy's in a queue.
He's not going to win until Mr Merry, Mirery and MORI have all this theirs in.
Jonathan Marray one of those two there LAUGHTER Is The one applauding in a suit Won the doubles with his partner Frederick Neilsen.
You win two trophies and a midge it butler? Why was a Preston to London megabus stopped on the motorway this week? The usual reasons.
This was a story where a passenger reported see something smoke coming out of some other passenger's bag, thought it was a bomb.
Turned out it was a fake cigarette producing water vapour.
Let's face it, if you've been pulled over, loads of police have arrived, you've got guns in your face, you're being accused of being a terrorist, that's not going to help you give up smoking, is it? They shut the M6, 13 fire engines, four ambulances and an Army bomb disposal truck attended.
They walked people off with their heads in their hands and made them sit in the mid.
Road.
Those people on the megabus, that's not the first bad trip they've been on.
Some of them on the road were thinking, this is one of the most luxurious part of the journey so far.
Nothing against the service itself, you drive a lot on the motorway going to Giggs, the back of the megabus, when you're driving along, if you haven't had the pleasure, you get hypnotised by that weird thing.
Why does that man I was staring at that man's breasts going Where can you ge for �1.
think you'd have to contact megabus.
Plus the 50p booking fee as if people are going to go, well, that's a rip off.
I walked in here with this in my hand.
I expect to be transported to a far-away land, then I find you want more money off me.
Screw you megabus man, yellow man with enormous boobs.
APPLAUSE I apologise, I know when you're disappointed you don't go "I am disappointed.
" Megarepresents the top of the list of the decadence of the West.
We will bring the west to its knees, middle aged women from the north will no longer be able to go to gnat nays in the West End.
Students will not visit their girlfriends in far away towns.
you think when they were drap dragged off the bus, they were still close enough to use the free WiFi? The only thing irritating about this, people were going wear the hat, wear the hat.
They gave me a yellow hat because they think I look like the megabus guy.
That means that man looks like a penis sausage.
They should call it penis sausage.
com.
You're just bringing this up to make people forget you look like a penis sausage.
You just look like a penis sausage in a yellow hat.
APPLAUSE Lost ownership of the joke now.
Somebody's got another new Avatar.
At the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Milton.
Now, we play a round called 50 shades of mock.
This game involves Milton, Andy and Josh.
If you could make your way to the performance area, please.
This round is our stand-up challenge.
I launch the wheel of news, one of the performers must step forward and talk about the subject chosen.
The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.
Let's spin the wheel.
So the -- so the first is money.
Andy Parsons.
So, wonga.
com current interest rate 4,214%.
They've got some balls, haven't they? People take them up on it.
I don't know what happens, do they go oh, look, 4,214% - that seems about right.
And why is wonga.
com successful? Because the banks aren't lending.
Why? That is what banks are supposed to do.
Oh, I'm a prostitute, do you shag? No.
I just sell pet insurance and break down cover.
At the moment, the whole world economy is being propped up by the Chinese.
China being run by two men, the Chinese premiere, a man called wen and the President, a man by the name of who.
I kid you not, China being run by when an who.
It's like a skit.
Who's the Chinese premiere? No when is the President.
Who's the Chinese President? I don't know.
No.
When has never been the Chinese President.
OK.
Let's spin the wheel again.
The next subject is technology.
Josh.
People say technology is moving forward, but I'm not sure.
I'm increasingly finding myself at cashpoints where they can't even be bothered to make the buttons line up with the screen.
There is no stress in the world like that.
I'm going please God let this be �20, if this is �40 I might as well kill myself.
Worse, the screen is angled so that if the sun is on it you leave with a new PIN number and a chequebook in the post.
People are going piss off, mate, it's it's not winner stays on! I'm really stressed at the cashpoint, because I've already had to stand there for ten seconds, unable to put my card in because it is still thanking the guy who has already pissed off.
Who is hanging around for that! I've got my card, my cash, hold on, guys.
It is a bloody pleasure doing business with you! APPLAUSE That leaves us with Milton.
The topic is employment.
LAUGHTER I used to dream of having a job.
Sometimes I go down to the bottle bank and stick my arms down the holes and pretend I'm working in a nuclear-processing facility.
LAUGHTER I lost my job as a prison officer for organising a lock- in.
LAUGHTER I only had one job as an architect but apparently a revolving mosque makes it difficult to pray towards Mecca! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE My first day working on a building site I felt sure someone would ask me to get something that didn't exist - like striped paint or something.
Sure enough someone asked me to get an air ambulance.
LAUGHTER Well, I played them at their own game.
Took my time.
I said oh, no, I couldn't seem to find one.
You should have seen his face.
It was blue.
LAUGHTER Years ago of course I used to supply filofaxes for the Mafia.
I was involvinged in very organised crime.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Thank you very much.
LAUGHTER Shall I tell you how Ivan Lendl reacted to that joke.
APPLAUSE Now we play a game called Picture Of The Week.
A topical image and tell me what's happening.
What's going on here? Is it Dyson unveils most powerful vacuum cleaner yet? Is tit centrefold of Engineering Porn Monthly? Is it preparation continues for Eric Pickles's colonic irrigation? best contestant ever on Scrap Heap Challenge? Is it that man saying, "Well, if this thing falls on me, at least I've got a hat on.
"? LAUGHTER Regrettably that's the only printer my computer will recognise.
Goal line technology bigger than expected? Is it the fitting of Eamonn home's gastric band? Is it something to do with science? APPLAUSE Touche.
Is it the CERN Higgs boson thing? Yes! I will accept that.
APPLAUSE Yes it is the CERN Higgs boson thing.
Also known as the Large Hadron Collider.
This is the news a physicists have declared there is overwhelming evidence they've discovered a new particle that bears all the hallmarks of the Higgs boson.
It is considered one of the most important scientific advances of the century.
Before I get tow comment on this, bear many mind in the audience tonight we have Professor Higgs, who has come all the way from There she is! APPLAUSE She is an unbelievably shy woman.
For many years she has in public only wanted to appear as an old man.
Stop pointing the camera at that poor randomly chosen woman.
There he is! That's her as we more normally know her.
I reckon you have some glasses down there.
.
You could have a crack at that one as well.
I am not doing every face in the show! He is known as Professor Penis Sausage.
It is this big! They found the Higgs boson.
I cannot look like everything that we discover on this show.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE That is Jonathan King! Isn't he an astonishing bloke, the Professor, didn't he also teach Eliza Doolittle to speak properly? lectures at Edinburgh University and until recently he was the Scottish Professor Higgs, but now suddenly he's British.
That's one for Andy Murray.
It was lovely though, because he didn't expect it to happen in his lifetime.
He's 83.
He proposed this idea over 40 years ago.
It is nice to have a happy story about an 83-year-old travelling to Switzerland.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE If you complete that word at the back of his head it says, "Jedi.
" APPLAUSE What did he do when he found out? He cried.
Everybody cries.
It is all tears now, boohoo.
Things have gone well, things have gone badly, boohoo.
That's why there is no more hosepipe bans.
Did he think, I'm going to splash out on a Megabus back to Edinburgh? It's a real shame, this business, they've spent a lot of time and money and that's time and money they could have spent for instance working out how to make slightly less noisy hand driers.
I find that incredibly annoying.
I love the moment in the show when we really catch the public mood.
I can't believe he got a standing ovation at Wimbledon and I came up with my thing about hand driers and nobody did a locking thing! Why is this bad Why is this discovery bad news for Stephen Hawking? This is because he's lost a bet, a $100 bet.
He said that they'd never find the Higgs boson particle.
But you have to say the person who he's had a bet with, you'd have to be a bit of a bastard to take the money off him wouldn't you? You wouldn't bet Stephen Hawking $100.
Surely, if you're going to bet him anything, you'd bet him a go on his chair.
We may have gone over the line.
We'd better check Hawk-Eye.
Stephen Hawk-Eye would be a great thing.
# It's out.
The ball was out.
NEWLINE # It was out #.
It was out.
It's been out for billions of years.
The strange thing about Stephen Hawking is that he's a British person we sort of know as having an American accent.
It must be an astonishing thing.
He must have a memory of his own voice and yet this thing comes out.
Makes me feel terribly sorry for him.
At least it's not a Brummie accent.
Nobody would have believed him, would they? "I've got a theory, have you seen it? I've got a theory about time.
Is it? Off you go then.
" At the end of that round the points go to Miles, Josh and Andy.
Now we come to "Scenes We'd Like to See".
So if everyone can make their way over to the performance area, please.
I'll read out this week's topics and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
The first subject is: Things you won't hear at the Olympics.
Very impressive.
Usain Bolt has done a lap of honour and won the 400m as well.
APPLAUSE So, Daley going for three-and-a- half somersaults with pike, and you have to say the pike doesn't look too happy about it.
LAUGHTER Good morning.
No surprises here at the final of the archery LAUGHTER Victoria Pendleton's cycling couldn't be faster at the moment, desperately trying to get away from a horny Boris Johnson.
LAUGHTER She was hoping for bronze, but sadly for Sue Barker she is bright orange.
LAUGHTER I would like to apologise for my earlier mistake.
We are, in fact, watching the javelin, and not as I said, dwarf darts.
LAUGHTER And all of the sailing golds have gone to the Somali team in exchange for the safe return of Sir Steve Redgrave.
APPLAUSE That is the fifth girl to jump off the top board and miss the huge pool below.
Women divers! LAUGHTER This gymnast has a maximum degree of difficulty.
His name is Cherjick, Kiddock, Kelick, Flippy, Flipper.
LAUGHTER That is the ten-minute free view of the beach volleyball.
If you'd like to watch the full version, please enter your PIN now.
APPLAUSE And the crowd are on their feet.
So much for getting the stadium finished on time.
APPLAUSE Well, that really was a spectacular day of weightlifting, but before we go, we've got time to just look over some of the most spectacular anal prolapses we've seen today.
LAUGHTER AS COMMENTATOR: Lane one, a family eating popcorn.
Lane two, two guys on a stag night.
Lane three, I'm in the wrong place.
This is bowling! And now in the weightlifting, it's the snatch.
LAUGHTER She's a big girl, but it's still compulsive viewing.
Well, here at Weymouth our gold medal prospect is out.
APPLAUSE In the last race he touched a boy and he's been arrested by Social Services.
Okay, next topic.
"Unlikely Things To Read In A Children's Book".
And so the tiger came to tea and then shagged another woman and went back to playing golf.
LAUGHTER As soon as Professor Snape saw Hermione, he knew in a few years she would be really hot.
APPLAUSE IN A GRUFF VOICE.
What's a Gruffalo, said the Gruffalo.
It's a buffalo on 40 a day.
APPLAUSE These bacon sandwiches are delicious, said Pooh.
Aren't they, Piglet? Piglet? LAUGHTER And so 101 dalmatians fell asleep.
Hang on, those aren't dalmatians.
Those are just ordinary white puppies riddled with bullets! APPLAUSE Hello, my name is the very hungry caterpillar.
I have an eating disorder.
LAUGHTER Unfortunately, Bob the Builder couldn't fist it, because Bobski the Polish Builder had undercut him and done a far better job.
LAUGHTER This place is rubbish, said Edmund.
Doesn't anybody have sex here? Oh yes, said Aslan.
What do you think the griffins are for? LAUGHTER But despite his protests, Mr Tickle was put on the register.
LAUGHTER After years of depression and alcoholism, the little girl emigrated.
And that is the end of Alice in Sunderland.
LAUGHTER This is poo corner, explained one of the other captives.
LAUGHTER Have you heard about Badger, said Ratty.
He's been gassed to stop the