My Family (2000) s11e05 Episode Script

I see you found the brochure, then? Look, I'm not really worried about going bald, all right? I just wanted to investigate the cost of hair plugs.
Ben, this is a brochure about a couples retreat.
(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) Well, did you like myjoke about the hair loss clinic? 'Cause I thought it was a really funny thing to say in the light of the fact that I'm not really going bald.
I mean, I've got a full head of hair, you know.
It's full, head of hair and Hence the joke about the non-existent brochure which I invented solely for the purposes of (CLEARS THROAT) joke.
-It's a good joke, Ben.
-Thank you.
So I think we should go on one of these couples retreat weekends.
They're all about finding shared activities to help keep a marriage fresh.
Isn't that what this bed's for? I said, shared activities.
And don't even think about saying no to this.
You bought a new car last week, so we're going, okay? I hate you.
That's Ben for yes, isn't it? -Seen my bookmark? -It's in your bedside drawer.
Underneath the hair loss brochure.
Nice having Mum and Dad off on that course, isn't it? You know, if you took them out of the equation, we'd never have needed to move out.
True.
I'm glad we did though.
I love the independence.
Me, too.
-More free toast? -Don't mind if I do.
The thing I'm enJoying most about Dad not being here, is I can finish a sentence without someone insulting me.
It's like my opinion actually counts.
I can formulate thoughts and -articulate them.
-Shut up, Mikey.
Thanks.
Hey, we shouldn't feel guilty about sponging off them.
After all, they can go away knowing two responsible adults are looking after the house.
Hey, guys, you know the front door's wide open? Hey, Matt.
You left your watch at my place last night.
Ah, the classic ''leave something behind so you have to see each other again''.
Janey, we've been seeing each other for a while.
We're secure enough that we don't need to play stupid little games to see each other again.
Yeah, I also wanted to talk to you about tonight.
-Oh, God, you're leaving me.
-What? No! I just wanted to see if you are still up for clubbing later.
Oh, yeah, sure, of course.
Oh, God, it's been ages since I went dancing.
-Why don't you come with us? -She can't.
She's got Kenzo.
No, I haven't.
He's with his dad tonight.
Then she's sick.
No, I'm not.
Oh, come on, it'll be fun.
-See you about eight.
-Great.
Sounds cool.
And I'll shut the door on the way out.
You really can't take a hint, can you? Yes, I can, I'm not an idiot.
Right, so you'll be washing your hair tonight, then? No, I washed it this morning.
I'm coming clubbing with you, stupid.
''Help keep your marriage fresh.
'' Oh, that's what they do here, is it? What is this, a fantasy camp? Ben, do you want to get into the spirit of this or do you want to be brutally murdered in the Garden of Tranquillity? This is a chance to take stock of our marriage and correct things that aren't working.
-We're only here for the weekend.
-Ben Look, marriage is a time-bomb, Susan.
And for some reason, our particular bomb has never exploded.
Don't ask me why it's never exploded but let's not mess with the wiring now, shall we? Welcome, I'm Robin Tyler, director of the retreat.
And I'm Ben Harper, retreating from the director.
We do try to avoid sarcastic humour here.
It can be deeply damaging to a marriage.
That ship sailed years ago.
Now, if you'd like to pick three bonding activities, I'll see you later in the Holistic Centre for a healthy lunch of beans and pulses.
Beans and pulses.
You know, that brutally murdered thing is beginning to sound quite attractive.
-Just pick an activity.
-Oh, look, here's one.
Getting in the car and going.
You know what? We're never going to agree so why don't we just close our eyes and hope for the best? Mmm-hmm, I'm pretty sure that's how we ended up with Nick.
Meditation.
Yes! Your turn.
Please, Sleep Therapy, Sleep Therapy, Sleep Therapy.
Pottery.
That's great.
I can build a nice big pot and bash my brains in with it.
Ooh, whoa! That sounds a bit raunchy.
Marital Arts.
No, no, it says Martial Arts, dumbbell.
Okay, either way, we get to hit each other, right? Let's get to the Holistic Centre.
I'm not drunk! I'm just saying I didn't like having to share a taxi with quite so many people.
Janey, we caught the bus.
That club was so loud.
I think I've gone deaf.
Are you all right, Mike? You want a drink or something? No.
But I could use a drink or something.
Man, the way your sister got hold of that whistle and kept blowing it at the start of every song.
-Didn't you just love that? -Yeah, I just loved that.
I'm starving.
Have you got any food? -You hungry, Mike? -Yeah.
-I'll get nachos.
-No, no, I hate those.
Get nachos.
How could you invite her clubbing? She's like the offspring of a wind-up toy and a dancing Santa.
Hey, Mikey, you might be deaf, but I'm not.
See? She's fun.
And not to mention, how does she know the words to every single Kylie song? -I've never felt less gay.
-Mmm-hmm.
Are you ready? Are you ready, boys? 'Cause it's nach-o-clock! That was a lot funnier in the kitchen.
Okay, so what are we watching? -Does she never take the hint? -I like that, Mike.
Be right with you, hon.
Just going to use your loo.
Okay.
-Janey? -Yeah? -I don't want to be rude.
-Mmm? But is there any way that you could Oh, say no more, Mike, okay? I'm way ahead of you.
Three tequila slammers coming right up.
(JANEY WHOOPING) (SIGHING DEEPLY) How are you feeling? It's weird, despite all those tequila slammers, I feel great.
I even went for a run.
I feel fantastic.
Really? Because when I left you last night, you were face down on the sofa, fast asleep with your hand in a bowl of nachos.
Well, what can I say? I feel fine now.
Well, you know why that is, don't you? -Why? -Because you're dreaming.
Come on, Michael, I'd think I'd know if I were dreaming.
Then why am I going out with a fridge? Why is that fridge now wearing a cowboy hat? -That doesn't prove I'm dreaming.
-Janey! I'm also being nice to you.
So what does that tell you? Oh, no! Oh, no! Water! Water.
No.
Bed.
And water.
Mummy.
I feel like the entire cast of Stomp are banging dustbins around in my head.
(GROANING) Listen, Mikey, I'm sorry if I outstayed my welcome last night.
Don't worry.
You weren't welcome in the first place.
Okay, there's only one aspirin left.
How bad is your hangover? My hangover's not the problem.
-What do you mean? -Matt dumped me.
Mike, that's terrible.
I don't get it.
What reason did he give? -I don't want to talk about it.
-Oh, I understand.
So what was it? Did he find you too clingy? Please, Janey, I don't want to talk about it.
Oh, sorry.
Besides, you're not too clingy.
That's crazy.
-Thank you? -You know what, Mike? If Matt can't handle that weird, slightly robotic, distant thing you do, then that's his loss.
Would you just shut up? If you must know, he didn't say I was too clingy, he didn't say any of that.
So what reason did he give? He didn't give a reason.
Just said it wasn't my fault.
Come here, listen.
I know all about the pain of being dumped, okay? I've done it to a thousand guys.
So if there's anything you want, anything at all, just let me know, okay? I'm here for you.
It was just so sudden.
I don't know what I've done wrong.
(JANEY'S MOBILE PHONE RINGING) No, no, you're my priority, go on.
(RINGING CONTINUES) I feel like he never even gave what we had a chance.
That's good, go on.
We were good together.
And I guess the thing I'm going to miss the most I'm sorry, I can't do it.
(GRUNTING) The hand is quicker than the eye, Susan.
You are looking at Chiswick's answer to Bruce Lee.
Bruce Forsyth, more like.
Martial arts is not about aggression, it's about controlling your aggression.
Hear that, Susan? I'm gonna take you down to InJurytown, taking a left at Agony Avenue and dropping you off at (POPPING WITH MOUTH) Pain Station.
-Uh, Ben? -Sorry, yeah.
That is the exact opposite of what I just said.
Okay.
Sorry, Rob.
You are going out like a candle in a hurricane, baby.
(SCATTING) Hi, Janey, you all right? This hangover's really catching up with me.
So I guess you heard about Mikey and I? Yeah.
Look, I'm really sorry it didn't work out with you guys.
He'll be back in a bit if you want to wait.
He's gone to get a DVD.
It was actually you I came to see.
Me? Oh, I see.
Matt, Matt, Matt.
You're not the first guy who thinks he's gay then meets me and realises he's straight.
No, don't get me wrong.
Don't get me wrong.
I'm flattered, but I can't break another formerly gay man's heart.
Janey, I was only gonna ask if you wanted to stay friends.
Oh, I knew that.
It's just that I had such fun hanging out with you and just because Mikey and I didn't work out there's no reason why you and I can't be friends, is there? -Of course not.
We have fun together.
-Great! Yeah, listen, I know it's none of my business, but, why didn't it work out with you and Mikey? Oh, just chemistry really.
Well, you either click or you don't.
No, he kept going on about chemistry.
(GROANING) (WINCING) Pretty pathetic.
Being beaten up by your own wife.
You fought dirty.
I was just abiding by the rules.
Martial arts are ancient and noble.
There is nothing ancient and noble about sitting on my head tickling me and giving me a wedgie.
I've never felt so humiliated in my life.
(WINCING) And though it pains me to admit it, and I'm in considerable pain at the moment, you did well.
Yeah, okay, I admire you.
Best person won.
How hard did I hit you? So this thing tonight is an after-show party? Matt, I will not get all starry.
It's not like Leonardo DiCaprio is going to be there.
Leonardo DiCaprio is going to be there! Well, then I need to pick out an outfit and hyperventilate until I pass out.
See you later, bye.
So? How about a DVD evening tonight? Oh, I'd love to but I'm out.
Can't you cancel? Matt's dumped me.
I could use the company.
Go on, I've rented that Bette Midler movie, Beaches.
Ooh, I can't.
Why not? I don't like that film.
Okay.
Three things just told me you're lying.
One, your eyes widen too much.
Two, you hesitated before you said it.
And three, there isn't a person on this planet who isn't moved by the touching story of a lifelong friendship torn apart by fame and reunited by a tragic illness.
All to the sound of the classic ballad, ,nd Beneath M ,ngs.
Okay, fine, I was lying! You're going to that party with Matt, aren't you? No, what party? The one he originally invited me to, Janey.
The one with Leonardo DiCaprio and an ice rink made out of frozen champagne.
And to go with my ex.
How do you think that makes me feel? There's actually an ice rink made out of champagne? Not the point! Janey, you don't stay in touch with your brother's ex.
You just don't do it.
It's an unspoken rule.
Well, I've never heard of it.
That's 'cause it's unspoken! Welcome to Positive Dynamics.
The idea with this session is to help you focus on the strengths in your relationship.
So to start with, I'd like each of you to write down This is a bit of a cod psychology, isn't it? Come on, we love each other, what difference is this gonna make? Ben, please? (MOUTHING) Sorry.
(CHUCKLING) (WHISTLES) We're off to the coffee bar, do you want us to bring you anything back? Mmm.
Eight things I love about my wife? Nine for me.
-Oh, hi.
-Hi.
-Is that what you're wearing? -Didn't you get my message? No, I think I left my phone here.
What message? I left one to say I can't make it.
I'm really sorry.
MICHAEL: Janey? Do you know what's wrong with the hot water? Yeah, just give it a second, it'll warm up.
Listen, if you want to look for your phone do it now while he's still in the shower.
Okay, cool.
It's not warming up.
It went completely cold.
Right in the middle of my bloody shower.
Kitchen, get in the kitchen.
Go! I mean, just because we don't live here any more, would it kill them to fix the boiler? It's almost like they don't want us to keep coming over.
Wait! Where are you going? Uh, the kitchen.
Why? Well, let's see.
I'm wearing a dressing gown and I'm soaking wet, so I was thinking of cooking a chicken.
No, really, why are you going into the kitchen? To put the immersion heater on.
And to see who you've got hiding in there.
'Cause I'm not an idiot! It's Matt, isn't it? You invited him round here after I specifically asked you not to.
I didn't.
Look around, do you see him? Well, of course he's not here now.
The minute he heard me coming he'd have gone out the back door, wouldn't he? He's not a moron.
I kind of am.
How dare you show up here? And you! You said you weren't going to the party with him.
I'm not.
-Then why was he hiding behind the door? -It's my fault.
When I heard you coming down the stairs, I lost my nerve and I'm sorry, okay? Okay.
Yes, I came to take Janey to the party, but That's not the only reason.
-I think that -Matt, stop.
I don't want to make you beg.
It's okay, I forgive you.
The thing is, Mikey, I think I left my phone here.
It's fine.
The old ''leaving something behind'' trick.
I'm just glad you changed your mind about me.
No, really, it was just the phone.
Oh, really, so where is this so-called phone, then? Actually, it's over there.
-I'll see you later, Janey.
-Bye.
-Sorry.
-Sorry.
Well, I I suppose that could have been more humiliating.
At least I'm not still wearing that Oh, crap! Close your eyes, everyone.
We're going to clear our minds now.
This Couples Meditation class is all about relaxation.
That's it, couples.
Moments of stillness.
These are the secret, yet essential ingredients in every successful marriage.
Those soothing silences that indicate the ultimate level of comfort between you and your partner.
Just embrace that silence for a moment.
-Susan? -Shh.
I have to warn you, Susan.
I'm resisting a sudden and overwhelming urge to break wind.
Ben, please.
I'm trying to take this seriously.
And breathe.
Feel the air coursing out of your body.
Don't hold it in.
Release it.
He's given me the green light, Susan.
He's given me the green light.
It's so easy for the pressure to build up in your body, yet it's essential that you let it out.
I'm only human, Susan.
It's only a matter of time.
Please, Ben, I'm begging you.
It's not my fault, it's his.
-Put a cork in it.
-Oh, I wish.
Stop it, in the name of mercy! I shouldn't have had those bean fritters for lunch.
And then release the air.
Feel it flowing out of your body like a great and powerful wind.
(SUSAN LAUGHING) I'm so sorry, Robin, about my wife.
I really don't know what's got into her.
You're ruining the experience for everyone else.
Why can't you contain yourself? I have been trying.
All right, that's it.
Get out! Pack your bags and go.
I don't how you make that car crash of a marriage work.
The pair of you are just so bloody childish.
Come on, get up.
Come on, now.
You know that sudden and overwhelming urge that I had earlier? I haven't got it any more.
Oh, come on, Mikey, I said I was sorry.
Couldn't you just let it go? Let me ask you something.
How would you feel if I were to start hanging out with Ian Thurman? -Who? -You dated him for about eight months? Be more specific.
You nearly moved in with him? Nope.
You were engaged for a week.
It's not ringing a bell.
You know, the guy who You're ruining my point.
What I'm saying is, if I were friends with him -you'd be upset.
-Doesn't sound like it.
How can I get this through to you? Are you familiar with the phrase, ''Blood is thicker than water''? Oh, great.
Another thing I haven't heard of.
It means you put your family first.
And you didn't, because you're selfish.
Look, Mikey, I said I was sorry.
But if you're going to be a big baby about this -why should I care what you think? -What's that supposed to mean? It means I'm an adult and I should be able to pick my own friends.
So if I want to hang out with Matt, I'll hang out with Matt.
You know, you're impossible! There's no talking to you.
You're just like Dad.
I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
Now you're just making them up.
-Hi, Janey.
-Hey, come in.
Can't believe you've asked me out to lunch.
So you're allowed to see me now? Hey, as far as I'm concerned, I can be friends with whoever I want.
Nice, very adult.
So I take it Mikey's not here then? -Did he go to that computer fair? -Yeah, I expect so.
He likes to get there when it opens in case there are any bargains.
-The early nerd catches the worm.
-(CHUCKLING) Yeah.
He needs a new personality, not a new hard drive.
It's like he came out of the womb in an anorak with a pair of binoculars and a train timetable.
It's a bit harsh because he's not actually a trainspotter.
Fine, but he's still a loser.
And the way he dresses.
He looks like a children's TV presenter.
Maybe, but he's still my brother.
I'm not sure that's something you want to boast about.
Anyway, I heard you slag him off.
That's 'cause I'm his sister, I'm allowed.
-Oh, come on! -No, listen, I won't have you stand here and talk about Michael like that.
What, because I pointed out that he's a nerd? Well, maybe Mikey is a bit of a geek, but he's my brother and I love him.
Okay, okay, relax.
Can we just go to lunch now? No, you know what? As far as I'm concerned, you're not good enough for him.
Which means you're not good enough for me either.
I think you should go.
Hey! Glad I found out you're as big a loser as he is.
Look, what you don't seem to understand is, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
What? Just go! Hey! How was your computer fair? You know, Janey, I may have had my heart ripped out and stomped on, but at least I picked up a dual gaming device to PC converter for a fraction of the retail price.
Thank God, I was worried sick.
So, when're you seeing Matt again? Whenever I like, I told you.
So you gonna see him later today, then? Might do.
Janey, I heard you having a go at Matt.
Oh.
Did you mean all that stuff you said? Yeah, I did.
I just want to let you know it meant a lot to me.
Yeah, well, I really doyou know, you.
Cool, cool, and just so you know, I really You know, you too.
Tell me about this thing you bought.
Oh, yeah, it's amazing.
I mean, you just hot-plug it into your PC USB port and as long as you've got a 64-bit operating system, it'll install the drivers automatically.
You don't even need a disc! Oh, that's brilliant.
I'm just gonna pop my head into the oven.
-You couldn't resist, could you? -What? Can't we just once have a conversation where we're not rude or mean to each other? Yeah, of course we can.
-So.
-So.
-Mum and Dad back later? -Uh-huh.
-Oh, it was cold today.
-Wasn't it? -Meant to rain later.
-So they say.
So they say.
Yep.
Bit of the oldrain.
Want to go back to being rude? Do you know, I thought you'd never ask, you dreary, desperate imbecile.
-Too much? -Well, a bit.
You know, darling, I'm glad we got kicked out of that couples retreat.
Yeah, yeah, we don't need things like that to keep our marriage fresh.
(SCOFFING) I pledge to you now, my darling, that I shall never stop, never stop finding new ways to annoy you.
And I pledge to you, my dearest love, that I will mock you mercilessly at every turn.
At least we got something useful out of this weekend.
-What? -These mugs we made.
Oh, yes.
-Indeed we did.
-Yeah.
From clay scraped off your very face.
You know, these mugs symbolise our marriage.
They may not look pretty on the outside, my darling, but they work.
They work.
-And they'll go on working.
-Mmm.