Live at The Apollo (2004) s11e06 Episode Script

1 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Russell Kane.
Good evening, Apollo.
How are you doing? It's lovely to be here, roomful of British people.
Give me a cheer if you're British.
Non-British people? There's loads.
We're in with a chance of a good atmosphere, then, United Kingdom.
Let me tell you why I was asking.
Because I've got to check these people are comfortable because, I don't know if you felt when I came on, can you imagine what that feels like, to walk out and feel that But, as lovely as it was, and I'm not having a go at you, this is one of the best gigs in the fricking world, Apollo, however, it was a British welcome.
You do not get a welcome like that anywhere else in the world, and a British welcome is a cheer followed by, "Prove yourself, prick.
" There's a drop straight afterwards.
Did you feel it? "Now fricking earn your money, jester.
Earn it!" And I've just been lucky, you know.
I just went on a little driving holiday across the USA, so I thought I'd do a couple of cheeky unpaid gigs, you know, different name, sneak into unpaid little comedy clubs and try the difference.
Now, I'm not having a go at you.
I don't want to alienate the audience early on in the show, but I cannot tell you how different it is.
It's almost the opposite to coming onto a British audience.
British audience start from apathy.
A cheer followed by, "Prove yourself".
Mild acceptance, applause.
"Love you".
End of the night, sambuca in the face and light it.
"What a legend!" Piss the flames out.
We grow together, don't we? Hate, hate, hate, mild dislike, "Legends!" Right? We actually celebrate negativity.
People take us the wrong way.
They think we're nasty because we cheer when something goes wrong.
"Wahey! Something's gone wrong!" That's only because It's only because most of us are so uptight - be honest, British people, we even move slightly different, we're so uptight.
When something falls out of place "Something out of place! Wahey! Legend! Keep moving, keep moving.
" Put it this way, go to a non-touristy part of Italy.
You will learn the hard way, it is not culturally normal to cheer when a glass is dropped.
Right? You can only do it once.
"Wahey! Pick it up, wanker! "Oh, sorry, mate.
Sorry.
Sorry.
" "Why would you cheer? My Pichierri is destroyed.
"It makes no sense.
" It's just, where we come from, when something breaks, we point and say, "Wanker!" to get the tension out.
I mean That's culturally healthy, isn't it, United Kingdom? If I was to fall off that stage now, right, with a sickening And I was dragged out, it'd be a matter of seconds till one of you went, "I know it's wrong, because he's crippled "and he'll never perform again, "but that is the funniest thing "I've ever seen in my entire life.
" We're so uptight in this country, we have a weird sort of paradoxical switch that goes in our heads.
So I went on and the Americans, they were lovely.
"Woo! Oh, my God, you can't possibly fail! He's from Loan-doan! "I think that makes him Scoat-tish! You go, buddy!" "Use your I-rony on us.
" And I got to the front, and like any one of who have been in a gallery or a posh tea party, it was just a bit too nice and I thought, "I'm going to have to spoil it on purpose.
" I couldn't help it.
It's a very British impulse, isn't it, the scream that's suppressed? Have you never have that, like, if you're up on wedding and someone goes, "It's the cake, we had it flown in from Italy.
"The bride's been crying with happiness, it's so lovely.
" Wouldn't a part of you like to go, "Pricks! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do it!" "I just gave in.
" Anyway, I'll tell you what happened and I'm not proud of it.
By the way, I know some comedians can work with subjects like this and make them funny.
I'm not like that, I'm really boring and vanilla, so I'm not proud of what I said.
I went on and they were like, "Woo! You can't possibly fail!" You must have felt that where you're like, "I'm going to spoil it.
" I didn't say "Hello", didn't establish myself, didn't say "Hi, I'm Russell", I just pointed at a guy, sat on his own, minding his own business, lovely New Yorker with a beard, and went, "Good evening.
You look like a paedophile.
" It just came out of my mouth! It just came out.
I've never lost a room so quickly.
"Oh, my God, is that funny where you come from, "to call someone a sex offend-or? Is that amusing to you?" "Is that I-rony, because we don't need Monty Python if it is, buddy.
" "Get Biff, get Scooter! We're leaving.
" Right? Imagine that with a London audience.
"You look a bit like a sex offender.
" "He does, look, paedo! Let's chase them into the alley and kick him in.
" "Just to be on the safe side.
Nonce! Fricking nonce!" What's going on here? What's your name, sir? Sam.
Sam? And is this your crew or is it your parents? Uh "Same thing, bro.
Same thing.
" That's my mum.
Yeah.
Oh, you're just out with your mum tonight, are you? No, it was meant to be my friend and he had to do something.
Oh, right, so you just hang out with your mum.
That's fine.
"Come with a friend but I came with Mum instead.
"Mum's more like a sister really, yeah? "Where's Mum?" "I'm already on the dance floor, Sam.
Keep up.
" And what's your name, mum? Cindy.
Cindy? I'm a bit jealous.
How old are you, Sam? 17.
17? You're just one of those Can you just talk to each other about anything? You one of those houses? "If we've got a problem, we just discuss it.
Me, my mum and dad.
"We go round the kitchen table and we just talk about it.
"In fact, we got rid of doors last year, me and dad and mum and Cindy.
"Dad doesn't even wear clothes.
" "Morning, Sam! Morning!" "Morning.
" "Morning, Sam! "Help yourself to Coco Pops.
" That's your dad's balls.
All right, Sam? You all right, because I've been talking about sex.
It's been quite rude.
You're not embarrassed next to your mum? You're lucky.
I would have died of embarrassment.
Actually, it's quite patronising what I did there.
I'm sorry.
Sort of desexualising you just because you're a mum.
Does that piss any of the other mums off, when I go, "I mustn't talk about sex because you're" That's not fair.
Well, what do you think Cindy was up to when she was 18, 19 years old, eh? I'll tell you what she was up to.
She was round the back of a nightclub being pounded to dust.
That's what.
We should celebrate that! "Put some chips on my back for Christ's sake, Barry.
" I will be selling transcripts of the car journey home later.
"Mum, you know when he said" "Shut up, Sam.
" 17, man.
Awesome age.
Was it like, in the last year, Sam, you're suddenly like, "Right, I get it.
I feel like a man in my head.
"I get my politics, I know where I'm going in life.
" Has that sort of clicked in? Think where you were two years ago, at 15.
"There goes a wasp.
Why is my wee so yellow?" The smoke clears, suddenly, at 16, 17, and you can suddenly sense adulthood.
Do you remember that feeling, yeah? Your life has the grammar of a child.
You still live at home, you're still "Dinner's ready!" "I know, Mum.
" All that shit's still going on, but you feel like an adult and you glimpse the ledge of adulthood, if I can put it that way.
And what does that represent? That's called going to uni or whatever.
Moving out, having your own place.
You can do what you like.
"I can get up, I can smoke a cigar in the afternoon, I can study, "I can not study, I can bang like a tribal chief at a drum.
" "Welcome to my village.
I can do what I like.
" "I'm ready to move out.
I don't need you any more, Mum.
Oh na-na-na what's my name? "Laters, Crusty.
" And you're off.
Who remembers what that jump felt like, when you get out there and you're like, "Adulthood - I'm at uni, I'm at the Army, wherever.
"My own flat.
" Now, there are two horrible surprises waiting for you out there, Sam.
The first one is, after a couple of years, the smoke clears and there is another fricking ledge.
18 was an illusion.
"I can't believe I thought 18 was being grown-up.
"That's being grown-up, being 21, having graduated, having a mortgage, "being in a relationship.
I need to be up there!" But it gets so much worse.
After about six months, you look back at the ledge you were at before and there's your mum making dinner.
"Dinner's ready, Sam!" "MUMMY!" She can't hear you any more.
"MUMMY!" And it will dawn on you, as it has every poor human being in this room, that existence is reaching for one stage, getting there, then wishing you were at the stage before, over and over and over again.
Right? The whole of life.
Thank you.
There are people in their '50s and '60s sat in this room who have landed on a ledge and gone, "50? I can't believe I thought 40 was grown-up!" It never stops.
I've recently completed a leap, yeah? So, I'm not trying to offend anyone, but I didn't have any girlfriends at school.
I didn't even kiss a girl at school.
I left school without And I was good at Dungeons And Dragons, so In my world, I was a powerful wizard.
I never, never kissed a girl.
No girls gave a shit about me.
Look at the state of me.
Then, suddenly, you tell one joke on TV and you've got female attention.
And, of course, I couldn't handle it because I'm a man, and like most men in this room, I landed on the ledge and was like, "That's it, I'm going to shag everyone.
"This is my destination! I'm a comedian called Russell.
"We know what that means.
" Right? "I'm going to shag my way around the world so fast "that I enter myself in a giant daisy-chain.
"I'm never going to stop shagging.
" "I'm going to go like a sewing machine in a power surge.
"Nothing's going to stop me.
"I'm going to shag thousands of women, thousands!" And, then, gentlemen, what happens? The smoke clears.
"I can't believe I was about to debase myself by sleeping with "thousands of women.
"Look up there, that's the real ledge, being with one woman.
" Right? "One beautiful woman that I love.
"I can explore all my erotic needs with this girl by my side! "I'm going to marry her.
That's where I belong.
" Up we go, gentlemen.
"Hooray!" That's a bad one, isn't it? "Come back and fuck us, there's hundreds of us.
" "I can't get back! I can't get back! "I'm married!" Married couples.
Married couples love this one.
"Oh, my God! Are you two married? I thought you'd just met.
" "I know, we're so happy, aren't we? Hooray! "We're a young, married couple.
We go to festivals.
"What time shall be get up? Midday? Why not? "Because, although we are married, we are so in love.
"This is what it's supposed to be.
Wait, the smoke's clearing.
"Maybe two should become three.
How amazing that would be! "Let's have a baby! We belong up there "and it won't be like the other shit babies, our baby will be amazing "and sleep until 9am because we'll use blackout curtains.
I can't wait!" "Let's take a leap, I'm sure it won't damage our love.
"Hooray!" Vomit, diarrhoea, no sex life.
"I'm leaving you, Pauline.
" "Agh! Agh! Agh! Look how much fun we were.
"We used to go to the Apollo in the middle of the week.
" Middle-aged people.
Middle-aged people, you love this one, don't you? "We love you, but we can't wait for you to move out, teenagers.
"Move out! Having a house full of teenagers? No, thanks.
"Think, when they go, we'll be young again, Barry.
"We'll be like teenagers again, it'll be like the movie Cocoon.
"We will be reborn! "We'll play Scrabble until we get osteoporosis from it.
"It's going to be wonderful.
We love you, teenagers, but goodbye.
"Up we go, middle-aged people.
Hooray!" Six months later "My life is empty, I'm having a breakdown.
" And on and on and nursing home and death.
There we are.
Now, I'm very lucky, it doesn't always work out this way, I've worked with both acts tonight and they are both fantastic and they are mates and they are lovely people and I want you to go wild.
Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise, raise the roof and welcome to this stage Roisin Conaty! Hello! Hello! Hello! You seem like a bloody lovely crowd.
So, I'll tell you a bit about myself.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm single and I live alone and I have recently decided that I really want to get a dog.
Thank you.
Yes, I want a dog.
My family don't want me to get a dog because they don't want me to be happy.
Every single person in my family said the same thing to me when I said I want a dog.
They are like, "Rosh, you know you've got to walk it? "You know you've got to feed them, yeah? Have you thought about it?" Yeah, obviously.
What do you think I'm going to do, like, "Hello, mate, here's the house keys, there's half a biryani in there.
"I'm off to Corfu for a couple of weeks, "just text me if you want any duty-free.
" And the thing is, they wouldn't say that if you said you wanted a baby.
They'd be like, "You know it shits itself? "You know you've got to feed them with your own juices?" But I am at that age where I get asked all the time now if I want children.
It's the thing that everyone asks me, no matter the circumstances.
They'll be like, "Do you want pizza? Do you want kids with that?" And it's really, really annoying.
I'm single, so I always answer the same way.
I'm like, "Well, I'm single.
" "Yes, but do you want kids?" I'm like, "I'm single.
" "Do you want kids?" How do I know I want something for certain that I only know half the ingredients of?! It's like continuously being asked, "Do you want some chocolate-covered? "Better start thinking about it, girl.
" Like chocolate-covered sweets, yes, I do, thank you very much.
Chocolate-covered bellend, no, I don't, actually.
And I like kids, but I like the fun ones and there is no guarantee you're going to get one of those.
I mean, I could get a slow talker and it would mess my life up.
I have not got the patience.
I see my friends listening to their children's stories and it's like a hostage situation.
Especially nowadays, like toddlers are fed all this organic food, they are so calm and healthy, like "Mummy Today I did" They all sound like Frank Spencer! "Mummy, today I did a drawing of a m m" A mouse? "M" Madonna? A market town? Give it some E numbers! They'll be 12 by the time this anecdote ends.
So, yeah, I have been single for quite a while.
It's fine being single.
If you are a single woman, though, any unhappiness you experience, people assume it's because you're single.
Honestly, anything.
You could be like, "I got burgled the other day.
" "Don't worry, you'll meet someone soon.
"Keep the faith, girl, keep the faith.
" I've been single for so long I make other people uncomfortable.
Genuinely, I've been single nearly nine years and this is genuinely how conversations go with me.
"You're single, aren't you?" I go, "Yeah.
" "How long you been single?" I go, "Nine years," and they go, "Oh.
"Oh, OK.
" And what they do then is tell me a story about another single person they knew to try and give me hope.
I get asked quite a lot, "Why do you think you're single? Why do you think you're single?" It's quite a hard question to answer.
There's a lot of answers.
One of the main ones, I would say, is I've got terrible taste in men.
Yeah.
Well, I don't.
This guy does.
Can you call it "this guy"? Madam? The Governor! Absolute animal, mate.
Doesn't give a shit.
Genuinely.
She's like that mate who convinces you to do something and then goes, "I didn't tell you to do it!" Honestly, that's why women have to cross our legs.
We're like, "Shut up, you nutter! He's got a neck tattoo!" I'm not very good on holidays.
I'm really bad on holidays.
I always feel I need to get away from it all.
I just want to get away from it all.
But the truth is, I need to get away from this, I want to get away from myself, so when I go on holidays, I'm always disappointed cos I'm still there.
Same shitty brain, same shitty thoughts, except now I'm covered in turquoise jewellery with a head full of corn rows, eating a sodding Solero.
I got some sexy news.
Ladies and gentlemen, this year I was diagnosed with gallstones! Yes! Yes! I asked my doctor, I said, "Oh, why have I got gallstones?" He went, "Because you've got the four Fs.
" I was like, "Go on.
" And he goes, "Fat.
" Open with it! I was like, "Mate, you've got four to choose from, "how's about you act like a human being "and put that one in the middle? "Next one had better be bloody funny!" He goes, "Fat, fair-skinned, fertile and 40.
" I was like, "OK, well, I'm not 40, "so your little code there is a bit rude, actually.
" And he goes, "Meh!" "You can't meh! Your code is wrong, mate.
You can't meh! "That's not the four Fs or whatever you just said, that's rubbish! "Who taught you medicine? Meatloaf? Three out of four ain't bad?" He goes, "Did I say four? There's five Fs.
" I was like, "What is the fifth one?" He goes, "Flatulence.
" "Fair enough, yeah, you're right there, actually.
" Though it did make me angry.
So, yeah, so now I'm on sort of a health kick.
Well, I'm not, I'm thinking about a health kick.
That's enough, isn't it? I'm a very unhealthy person.
Very unhealthy.
Have you ever ordered so much takeaway food that you're embarrassed when the delivery driver shows up? Genuinely, I live alone and I order so much food that I've started going, "I'll get it!" He knows I'm there alone.
He knows.
He's like, "Here you go, you hungry little lunatic.
Here you go.
" And I'm a smoker and it's just so boring being a smoker.
I just wish they would stop selling cigarettes.
Trying to give up takes up so much of your time.
The measures don't work.
Every year they are raising the price of cigarettes "to deter the smoker" and it's like, "No, when you raise the price of cigarettes, "all you're doing is making poor people not buy fruit.
" That's all that happens.
And the thing is, the latest one is, they've gone, "We're going to cover it with blank packaging.
" That's the latest one.
Blank packaging.
"Oh, no! Not blank packaging! Please! "What will I do without my photo of rotten teeth "that I've had for the last ten years?!" And if they used those tactics on something else that was physically bad for you but you weren't physically addicted to, it would totally work.
If cheesecake became £17 a packet and they covered the packaging in photos of massive fat guts with mascara-stained tears the whole way down I wouldn't buy a bloody cheesecake cos I'm not addicted to cheesecake.
I mean, don't get me wrong, I like a bit of cheesecake.
But it's not addiction, is it? I've never been drunk at a party at midnight, gone outside, walked up to an absolute stranger "Hello, mate.
Sorry to ask, to be a pain, "it's just I've had a drink and I'm trying to give up, "you haven't got a spare bit of cheesecake on you, have you? "Sorry, sorry.
"I'm just a social cheesecake eater.
" You've been absolutely lovely, thank you very much.
Roisin Conaty, ladies and gentlemen! Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your next act? It's an absolute privilege and an honour to bring on your closing act.
He is fantastic.
Strap in, fasten your comedy seatbelts, start whooping and cheering.
Let me hear you, ladies and gentlemen, go wild for the one, the only Nick Helm! Good evening, Live At The Apollo! Are you all right? Let's kick it in the dick! Do you like jokes? Do you like jokes? Do you like jokes? Do you like jokes? Do you like jokes? Do you like jokes? Do you like jokes? Do you like jokes? Do you like jokes? Do you like jokes? Do you like jokes? It's not for everyone.
Do you like jokes? Do you like jokes? Just say yes, innit? You're in luck, mate.
I got six of the pricks, let's do this! I went to KFC the other day, I didn't even know Kentucky had a football club! This is the act.
Get on board! I used to have a job collecting leaves.
I was raking it in! You're welcome! Did you hear about the evil group of men that control all the world's cheese? The hallouminati! It's better than that.
No, if you knew had entertaining yourself, you wouldn't be here! I put lipstick and mascara all over my testicles.
Pretty nuts! Stuff like that! I was talking to a record producer at the urinals and now I've got a number one on my hands.
Oh! I get sexually aroused by birds of prey.
That's HAWK-ward! No, no, it is better than that.
I get sexually aroused by birds of prey.
That's HAWK-ward! No, cheering isn't laughing! I get sexually aroused by birds of prey.
That's HAWK-ward! Yeah, that sounds sarcastic now, doesn't it? That's not a nice way to welcome me.
I get sexually aroused by birds of Yeah, we're going to keep doing it until YOU get it right.
I have smashed it out of the park four times now.
We're going to stay here until you get it right.
It's your own time you're wasting.
I went on a school camping trip when I was younger.
I was like I was nine.
We went with the school, we went camping with the school.
I'm from London and I've never seen nature before and there was just so much nature.
There was There was just nature as far as the eye could see.
There was wall-to-wall nature.
Obviously, there weren't any walls, though, because it was nature.
I remember I woke up in the morning and I was alone, which was a relief, because I was nine.
And I walked through a field and I stood there and I tell you what, there was so much nature.
There was a fox.
There was a fox over here and there was there was a rabbit over here and then I looked up and there I saw a kestrel, just flying in the sky and I was nine, I didn't know I didn't know my own feelings at the time, I didn't know my own body.
But I felt a stirring and when looked down I realised I'd just had a massive, massive erection.
And a group of all my mates jumped out from behind a tree and they all pointed at me and they laughed at me and I thought to myself, "That's HAWK-ward!" You've got a nice face.
What's your name? Will.
You're Will? Come on, Will, you've got such a nice smile, let's Come up here, come up here.
Let's show it off to the Let's show it off.
Don't worry, come here.
There are some steps at the end, there are some steps at the end.
There we go.
OK, take the long way.
I'll get you a little chair.
Don't worry, I'm legally not allowed to hurt you.
That's fine.
You've got a lovely smile.
You're trembling.
I'm not going to have sex with you.
But who's to stop me? They'd all be clapping along in time, wouldn't they, as my balls hit against your arse? Hours later, they'd be scratching their heads, going, "That was weird, actually, "that was weird when that bit happened.
" But But that's comedy! What's this? Oh, dear.
Don't do it, Will.
You've been watching me from in the crowd Your heart's been thumping really loud I'm everything you dreamt of as a child It's only natural, I suppose To picture me without my clothes I'm the one that really drives you wild You wild, you wild, you wild You wild, wild Will Don't fall in love with me I'm just a fantasy Why spoil the mystery? La-la la-la-la, Will You've waited patiently It must be agony But rest assured it's your turn tonight I can see it in your eyes And from the way your bosom sighs It's so hard to put things into words And blah, blah, blah, blah Blah-blah-blah And blah, blah, blah, blah Blah-blah-blah Blah, blah, blah Blah, blah, blah, blah And birds and birds and birds and birds But, Will Don't fall in love with me One night of ecstasy And I'll be history La-la la-la-la, Will You fell in love with me Please have some dignity Our love can never be La-la la-la-la, Will I gave you all I could But you misunderstood And I guess we'll always have tonight La-la la-la-la, Will Try not to cry too much I'd love to stay in touch But I've got to live my life La-la, la-la-la, Will Somehow you'll carry on Long after I am gone And I guess we'll always have tonight La-la, la-la-la, Will.
Shhh! Thank you very much! Goodnight, Will.
Ladies and gentlemen, Nick Helm! Ladies and gentlemen, that is the end of this episode of Live At The Apollo.
Make some noise for Roisin Conaty and Nick Helm! I've been Russell Kane.
Thank you very much! Goodnight!