M*A*S*H (MASH) s11e06 Episode Script

Good morning, Hawkeye.
Good morning, Charles.
What is this, take a cadaver to lunch day? I'm glad to see somebody's not such a Sorrowful Jones.
That's because I've got the day off.
I met a chopper pilot who loves fishing as much as I do.
- We're going up to Lake Kogee.
- Charles, you're from Boston.
Here's something I'm sure will interest you.
"Red Sox Slugger Ted Williams to Leave Korea.
" Oh, goody! Does this mean I can have his dessert? What happened? The ump throw him out of the war? No, it says he's got an ear and throat infection.
He's been grounded, and the marines are sending him to a military hospital in the States.
Last time I had an ear and throat infection, nobody sent me home.
- You ever hit.
400? - Oh, pipe down, you morons.
He's a war hero, and he's not leaving the marines, just Korea.
- Captain Hunnicutt? - Yo! Here's my ride.
I leave you to each other, which is reason enough for leaving.
I can tell you the real reason Ted Williams is going home.
I heard the marines are pulling out the whole 311 th Fighter Squadron because the Commies have given up on that sector.
- Where'd you hear that crock? - Gentlemen, in all fairness I must tell you that I heard the same story myself.
Actually, I think I got that from you.
Margaret, you should know better than to promulgate idiotic rumors.
It's not a rumor! For your information, it's something I heard.
It's amazing.
People will believe anything.
Yeah, that I'll buy.
The more outrageous the tale, the wider the circulation.
Oh, yeah, perhaps.
But then, without a certain amount of blind faith, I'd be out of business.
Hey, guys, did you know that Ted Williams is going home? I heard the Red Sox paid 50,000 bucks to get him out of the marines.
That's not what I heard.
I heard it was 75,000 and they sold Babe Ruth to the navy.
Who cares about Ted Williams? How come you didn't tell us about Marilyn Monroe? - What about Marilyn Monroe? - You know.
- Know what? - She's coming here.
Marilyn Monroe is coming here? Noon tomorrow.
Wait a minute.
I wasn't born yesterday.
If Marilyn Monroe was coming to Korea, everybody'd know about it.
Well, not all of Korea, just this unit.
Yeah.
Apparently she wants to express her gratitude - to the doctors here who saved the life of her cousin.
- Yeah.
- Her cousin was here? - What, you forgot already? The blond kid.
The, uh The young guy with the wound.
Oh, sure.
I remember.
Ayoung blond guy.
- That's the one.
Yeah.
- Wait a minute.
I'm the company clerk.
If Marilyn was coming here, I'd know about it.
Oh, come on now, Klinger.
Use your brain.
A famous movie star like that? Word like that gets out she shows up, she's gonna be trampled by thousands of drooling G.
I.
s.
You know how private Marilyn is.
Gotta admit, everything you say makes perfect sense.
Or it could just be some stupid rumor somebody made up.
Nah, I buy it! Hey, I better get busy.
I got work to do.
You're gonna love this place.
If you run out ofbait, all you gotta do is whistle.
Well, in that case, I hope this baby's got a big enough trunk.
- Uh-oh.
- What? Oh, boy.
Obviously, the North Koreans didn't see my "gone fishing" sign.
- I guess we ought to be neighborly.
- Yeah.
Look, I know it's a secret, but we're on the same side of the secret.
You can't confirm she's coming? Okay, I'll play your little game.
Can you deny it? Can you confirm that you can't deny it? Do you deny that you confirm that you can't deny it? Well then, that confirms it.
Thank you very much, Sparky.
Son, that conversation just gave my ears whiplash.
Care to unknot things for me? I realize the colonel is keeping a tight lid on this, but don't worry, sir.
The name Marilyn Monroe will not leave this office.
- Marilyn Monroe? - Quiet, sir! The walls have ears.
You know she wants to keep this visit hush-hush.
Wait a second.
Have you caught wind of some rumor that Marilyn Monroe is coming here? It is not a rumor, sir.
I've been around long enough to know that you can't believe everything you hear.
In W.
W.
I.
, we got word the war was over because Kaiser Wilhelm was entering the priesthood.
- He didn't.
- Colonel, I just got the confirmation from "I" Corps.
You talked to a couple of stripes.
I'm gonna talk to a couple of brass.
MASH 4077.
One moment, please.
It's for you, sir, from "I" Corps.
General Schwerin.
General Schwerin.
Hello, General.
Sherm Potter, you son of a buck, you.
How come I hear about something like this Marilyn Monroe visit through channels and not from my friends? Oh, you heard it about it through channels, huh? Tell you the truth, General, I wasn't sure about it myself until just now.
Well, I'm not one to hold a grudge but you're not gonna have that woman all to yourself.
I was packing for three days R & R in Tokyo, and I've just canceled all that so I can come up your way and shake the hand that belongs to those legs.
General, mi unit es su unit.
Tomorrow at 1200 hours.
She's really coming! Oh, this could be the most exciting day of my life.
- Is he gonna be all right? - Yeah.
Doesn't look too serious.
- Too bad about the fishing trip.
- Ah, well.
First thing they teach you in med school is don't make plans.
- Uh-oh.
- What's the matter? - Looks like Uncle Sam is having a bad day.
- Oh, boy.
Drop that rope to him.
I can't land here.
It's anchored to the seat.
We'll lift him to that field over there.
Then I can land, and we'll put him in the pod.
Tie it around yourself, and we'll pull you out! Come on! You can do it! Come on! What are you doing? He can't make it.
I'm gonna go down there, and you can pull us both out.
Get back in here.
They're shooting.
We've gotta get out of here.
- He's got the rope.
Let's go.
- No, cut it.
- What do you mean, cut it? - The extra weight's too much.
Cut the rope.
They'll kill him! They'll kill us all if we stay here.
Cut the rope.
Cut it, damn it! Cut the rope.
Cut it! They hit the oil cooler.
I think we'll be okay.
You were really gonna go down that rope, weren't you? Attention all personnel.
The bad humor truck is in the compound.
Possible fractured clavicle.
Maybe internal injuries.
- Right, Doc.
- Pain any better? - A little.
- Was there anybody else from your unit in that area? - You saw my buddy.
- Not your buddy.
Another guy.
- Should we type and cross-match him? - The plasma's okay for now.
Another guy, with dark hair and a leg wound.
Same area, about 200 yards away in the woods.
- I don't know who you mean, sir.
- You got anybody else? No, no.
He's the only one.
- Where am I? - MASH 4077.
You're gonna be just fine.
- 4077? - Right.
- Is Marilyn here yet? - Uh, no, no.
Uh, no, but let's put it this way.
She is expected.
- Oh.
- Everyone seems to know she's coming.
It's a good thing it's not a military secret.
I've been thinking about this.
A star of her magnitude not to mention "tism," deserves a really boffo reception.
- Pierce, that's where you come in.
- Me? You're witty, suave, you lean toward handsome.
And I'm putting you in charge of Operation Bombshell.
- No, no, uh - I can't think of a more appropriate choice for a very important job.
I don't think it's such a great idea.
As a matter of fact No time for false modesty.
This is big.
General Schwerin himself is giving up three days of R & R in Tokyo to meet double "M.
" The least we can do is make everybody's trip worth the mileage.
I'll give it all the effort it deserves.
His pulse is thready, and his blood pressure is 70 over 40.
Better give him another couple of units right away.
- He's not gonna make it, is he? - That's not productive thinking.
It's not wrong, but it's not productive.
- You sure? - Sorry, Doc.
Nobody from my unit was near that area.
- I see.
- This guy a friend of yours? Uh, no, not exactly.
I tried to do something for him once.
Thanks.
Hey, Doc.
I just wanted to say good-bye.
- Hey, Priore.
Thanks for the lift.
- Oh, no.
Thank you.
Listen.
I know you didn't make it all the way down that rope.
But you sure as hell tried.
I put you in for a medal.
See you at the fishing hole.
I don't believe it.
The colonel wants a giant "Welcome Marilyn" banner in the compound.
And he wants a reviewing stand so she can see the troops.
And then, he wants bunting hung in post-op.
Oh, what a shame.
And the Korean Kresge's just closed for the decade.
I'd be a tad more sympathetic, Charles.
When this rumor was born, you were one of the physicians in attendance.
But now the patient has grown and is doing quite well on its own.
In short, as Aristotle said, "Tough noogies.
" Yeah, well, try these noogies on for size.
I have so much to do, I'm gonna tell the colonel I need to appoint an assistant you.
Well, I will disappoint me.
I have no intention of wasting my time preparing for the arrival of someone who I know is not arriving.
Oh, fine, good.
Then you tell the colonel how you know she's not arriving.
And he'll tell his friend, General Schwerin and the general will be delighted to find out who set up this wild goose chase.
The one who made him give up three fun-filled days in Tokyo.
All right, all right.
Just how far are you prepared to continue this sham? And without Marilyn Monroe, all you're gonna have is bunting.
Charles, relax.
Just go along with this for a while.
Then I know exactly what I'm gonna do.
- What? - Think of something to do.
Yes, I tried to contact the 8063rd MASH.
The lines are down.
Look, we send "I" Corps casualty reports every day.
Don't all the other units do the same thing? Fine.
Then is it too much to ask that you check those casualty reports to see if anyone meeting that descr Thanks a lot, pal.
If you ever need a favor, don't ask.
- Colonel? - Oh, Hunnicutt, come on in.
I was just giving Man-O'- War a spit shine.
I want Miss Monroe to see him with a glossy coat.
What can I do for you? I was just wondering if I could take that fishing trip I didn't take today tomorrow? - What, and miss Marilyn? - I'm a little more of a Rita Hayworth man.
- I could use the time off.
- Oh, what the hey.
- Well, you've earned it.
- I have? Ran into your chopper pilot buddy when he was leaving.
He said you're up for a medal.
- Oh, yeah.
- He was in kind of a hurry, so I didn't get the details.
- What'd you do? - Nothing I want a medal for.
- Oh? - Can you stop it? Well, if that's what you want, I'll head it off.
Thanks.
Hunnicutt, anything you want to talk about? - Not right now, Colonel.
Thanks.
- I hope you catch a bucketful.
I'll be happy if I catch just one.
How does that look, Captain? Oh, terrific.
Today post-op, tomorrow the World Series.
Well, the banner committee is finished with the scroll detail.
Charles, that's not how she spells her name.
It's M-A-R-I-L-Y-N.
I know that, but the private here doesn't know that.
Besides, she's not gonna know the difference anyway.
She's in "show biness.
" I bet the colonel knows how to spell and I know General Schwerin knows how to spell including big words, like "dishonorable discharge.
" Pierce, may I Hold that.
Pierce, may I see you on another part of the floor? If you don't do something long before General Schwerin gets here the bunting isn't gonna be the only thing hanging from the reviewing stand.
- Get it? - Well, boys, I just pulled off a doozy.
Thanks to yours truly, Miss Monroe will not be greeted a cappella.
I have procured us a bona fide, army-issue six-piece band.
I wonder if they know "Don't Get Around Much Anymore"? Oh, thanks for reminding me.
I have to hunt up the sheet music to "Hooray for Hollywood.
" - Where do you think you're taking me? - Hollywood.
Ah, finally, it's ringing.
Good old Sparky.
You'll never get past the switchboard.
"Hel-loo.
" Is this the 20th Century Fox film studios? It is.
Uh, do you have a switchboard operator there named Mabel or Mavis? Madge.
That's the one, yeah.
Listen, tell her I said hello, will you? And while you're at it, could you get me Marilyn Monroe, please? Thank you.
- She's putting me through.
- Well, good old Madge.
Marilyn, hi.
Oh, uh, who is this? Miss Panama.
I see.
Uh, I'd like to speak to Marilyn, please.
I'm calling from Korea.
Korea.
Uh, perhaps you're familiar with our war? Well, I'm a friend of hers.
Well, I'm not a friend of hers.
I'm a friend of a friend of hers.
Mr.
DiMaggio.
My name? Uh, Ted Williams.
Oh, thank you.
That's very kind.
Oh, you're from Boston too.
Oh.
Do I ever get to Roxbury? No, no.
I don't get up there too often.
Down! Down there.
I don't get She's What? She She just got back from Russia? Oh, rushes! Rushes.
Yeah, right.
That's movie talk.
Yeah.
Uh, well What? She's Oh.
Well, I'd love to talk to her too.
- Unbelievable! - Uh, pardon me? My greatest thrill in sports? Well, what can I say? Uh What can I say? I guess I'd have to say my greatest thrill is you know, just being out there in left field playing for you great fans.
Center field! Right field! Hello? You idiot! I thought you knew all those worthless things.
Now we have to get back on the phone, call General Schwerin pretend to be Truman, and have him recalled.
I got a better idea.
Hello, Sparky.
Get me the Hollywood operator again.
Leg wound.
He'd have come in within the last 24 hours.
We've got three.
I don't get it.
Why are you looking for this guy? - Uh, sort of a follow-up.
- Uh, leg wound.
- How about this one? Adamenko.
- Oh, no, that's not the man.
I forgot to tell you, he has dark hair.
Oh.
Well, how about Sergeant Cucuzza? Fractured femur.
They brought him in last night.
- Yeah, that could be him.
- He's a construction engineer.
He was building a munitions shed in Inchon, and he fell off the roof.
Inchon? Unless he fell a long way, he's not my man.
You said you had a third? Yeah.
Right over here.
Where's Carey? He's being evac'd.
They're putting him on the ambulance now.
Hey! Hold it! Hold it, will you.
Hold it a minute.
- Carey? - Hey, what gives? Uh, uh, nothing.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Ten-hut! As you were, fellas.
It ain't her.
General, glad you could come down and join us for a little stargazing.
Good to see you, Sherm.
Where's Marilyn? Well, she's not here yet.
Probably got held up in traffic.
Relax, Charles.
Your head looks like Niagara Falls.
- How appropriate.
We are over a barrel.
- It's her! She's coming! Ten-hut! Hit it, boys! - At ease.
- I think you were expecting someone else.
Hunnicutt, get that thing out of here and swing in over there with the fellas.
Cut it, boys.
That ain't her either.
This has to be her! One, and a two, and a Ten-hut! Colonel Potter, H.
Q.
Said to get this to you on the double.
At ease.
Well, folks, I hate to put a flat tire on your hayride but this is a telegram all the way from Hollywood.
Maybe you'd like to hear it in its own words.
"Dear MASH 4077.
"Unavoidably detained in rushes.
Stop.
"Filming schedule changed.
Stop.
Am unable to get away.
Stop.
" Oh, shoot.
"Feel heartsick.
Stop.
"Please give big, wet kiss "to doctors who saved my cousin, Whitey.
- Stop.
" - Whitey? "Kiss, kiss, love, love, Marilyn.
" - "Kiss, kiss, love, love"? - I wanted it to sound sincere.
Not everybody is gonna leave here empty-handed.
I brought a special something along to present in front of Miss Monroe but now she's just gonna have to read about it in the Stars and Stripes like everyone else.
Captain Hunnicutt, front and center.
You people may not be aware of it, but you have a genuine hero in your midst.
Uh, General, this may not be a good time to Oh, there's no time like the present, Sherm.
Captain Hunnicutt, for your act of bravery and heroism under fire I am proud to present you with the Bronze Star.
Ten-hut! Take five, boys! Good work, son.
At ease.
Dismissed.
Isn't that great? They give me a medal for leaving a kid behind and getting out with my butt in one piece.
It's a lot better than getting it posthumously.
Yeah, well, thanks to my acting bravely and heroically under fire somebody's gonna be getting a medal posthumously.
Come on.
You don't know if that's true.
I sure as hell can't prove it's not.
You didn't have a lot of choices.
If you didn't cut that rope, you'd be dead yourself now.
I would have done it.
You don't know that.
And I hope to God you never have to find out.
We sit around here in our Hawaiian shirts and red suspenders thumbing our nose at the army drinking home-brewed gin and flouting authority at every turn and feeling, oh, so superior to those military fools who kill each other and, oh, so self-righteous when we clean up after them.
Well, good luck to you, pal.
I hope you can keep it up.
The minute I cut that rope, that made me a soldier.
Pierce! We need you in post-op.
Quick! I thought you might like to see this.
- Sonneborn! - His pulse is strong his B.
P.
Is up, he doesn't have a temperature - and best of all, he's hungry.
- That's fantastic.
What's the big deal? You never saw somebody sit up in bed before? I'll tell you the truth.
Yesterday, we thought we'd have to fit you for a halo.
Well, I did feel kind of weak and messed up.
But when I was lying here, I heard everybody talking about Marilyn Monroe coming.
I said to myself, "Damned if I'm checking out till I meet her.
" So, uh, where is she? Uh Yeah, uh - Corporal Sonneborn? - That's me.
My name's Hunnicutt.
Dr.
Pierce told me about you.
I've got something for you.
A little souvenir of your stay here at MASH by the Sea.
Geez, a Bronze Star.
For me? - It's all yours.
Bronze goes good with green.
- Hey, thanks! Wait till I show this to my folks.
Hey, Captain? Why did I get this? What did I do? Uh, let's just say it's a little something we give you for getting out with your butt in one piece.