Mock the Week (2005) s11e06 Episode Script
Series 11, Episode 6
1 This programme contains some strong APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to Mock The Week, the last in the current run.
Over the last few weeks we have been busy celebrating our 100th show,.
I think there has been lots of stuff about banky and the eurozone as well.
Tonight we are taking a look back at some of those.
This is the semi-annual compilation clip show.
Hope you enjoy it.
Here is a picture of the Queen, what is she saying here? She is saying, "So be it, sky walker, now die.
" Is she saying, "I can see you looking, Elton, it is my tiara, you cannot borrow it.
" Tom Jones looks like he is trying to hypnoties the Queen, either that or he is being goosed by Sir Paul McCartney.
seems to be saying, "Oh, dear, I seem to be at Madame Tussauds.
".
she saying, "You do all have the number tor Dignitas, don'tow?" she saying, "I have major beef with you, Richard ?" Hang on, is she peter Andre? I trained Don't compare me to the Queen! I have major beef with you, Richard, you put the The Lord's Prayer to Auld Lang Syne and I will cut your face.
It looks like it could be an advert.
If you look at Sir Paul McCartney and Tom Jones, it looks like an advert for Just for Men.
It's the Queen saying, "Go on, pull my finger.
" Are they saying happy birthday to her? Grace Jones, she had a hula hoop, singing Slave to the Rhythm.
I thought, am I the only one seeing this? Who booked grace Jones?! She was not hula hooping, she had been imprisoned by the elders from crypton.
You must be careful.
There was a concert.
There was an Ireland football match.
I was looking at the score for loads of Irish people and loads of people were tweeting, "Nobody cares lash tag Jubilee! Like I walked on to the stage to say, "K rob, put is sock in it.
" Was it not strange that they built that elaborate Gloriana for the Queen, and yet, was it just me who thought it was weird she was not on it? The only person on it was Clare Balding.
It was like Clare Balding was Queen! The l The Queen looking like she can handle herself in a pub fight?! The answer is chickens, nurses and rain.
What is the question? Is it what does Heston Blumenthal put in a trifle? Is it name three things APPLAUSE Is it what are the most used sound effects in the radio drama, Monsoon Poultry Hospital? There's been another monsoon for the chickens! Where are all the actors Scottish? Doctor, doctor, I think that the chicken is drowning! Is it all the things that my gran says is stealing the money when I visit her? OK, what is the correct answer? Name thee things you will not find in a chicken nugget! Correct.
Is it what are the opening stage directions in the television dram a Monsoon Poultry Hospital? Chickens, nurses, rain, a man walks through the fog! It is a hospital I'm working in now? What was the name of fog horn, leg horn's controversial early career in porn film? Sorry, I want to do more chickens and hospitals.
Clear, bark! Clear, bark! We've lost him.
That is me finishing off the chicken.
Do doctor, doctor, get my the baster.
There is a graphic going around Twitter, showing how much Vodaphone evaded taxes as opposed to how much Jimmy Carr evaded Avoided not evaded Yes, because he will be making his money back in a legal claim against Chris Addison.
Good luck with that! It will be the case of the century.
It will be this The most middle- class law case! Get off! There was a graphic that went around that, what was it, avoid? Avoidance, yes.
There was a graphic going around, I hope this will be worth it! It's been great so far.
There is nowhere that this can go now.
Maybe you should have evaded the joke, not avoided the joke.
I would love to, but I won't know which is which.
Sorry, so, evading is bad? Evasion is illegal, avoidance is legal, but potentially morally wrong.
So Darth Avoider void was not as evil as Darth Vader? He was standing back in the scenes, Darth Avoider void saying that he didn't think we had to blow up the whole of the planet.
Was he like a cuddly bear? I like the modcons of the Death Star, but not the morality.
Any way, there was a graphic on Twitter Was it about evasion or avoidance? Avoision! There's a lot of avoision going on here.
It is like lactose intolerance, a milk avoision! OK Come on! Stpifplt -- Come on.
Blue Peter is coming on in minute.
There was a graphic showing the amount of tax that Jimmy Carr avoided than another company, I thought, don't give himed a vice, in six months time Lille be earning more than the Carphone Warehouse! Now, in terms of tax avoidance, if there were schemes picked up, film investment schemes that a lot of people put money into.
I myself, and I put all of my savings into the big budget production of Monsoon Poultry Hospital! Very wise.
You were involved.
I play the role of Morag, the nurse.
I think we are going to make a lot of money it is me and Hugh.
Does that say it is written by Alfred Hitchcock?! It is nice to know where the budget of the show goes.
Do you notice how well I look as a nurse? Surprisingly fitting! shoulders, a hint of the Readers' Wives about you there! If you turned up at my bed in a hospital, I would discharge myself! Listen, I have no doubt you would discharge yourself! APPLAUSE My favourite Olympic torch story is this week the Olympic torch is brought on the raft to the slalom course.
What brilliant plan is this.
Right, one second later, there is the Olympic torch! It had to be brought and lit from the mother flame, which apparently is discreetly held in a miner's lab it is like a Zippo.
It had to be re- lit.
The Olympic Flame has to be lit, kindled by the rays of the sun.
That is in the our strong point.
They should have given us a special dispensation, so everyone should have had a damp flannel and you wring yours out into the other person's flannel.
APPLAUSE Do you know what What is weird about the Olympic torch, though, is it is having a very exciting time.
On a zip wire in Newcastle, sailing, white water rafting.
It is like it has a deal with the Make a Wish Foundation.
It is like, as if it is somebody's stag do, taking the Olympic torch white water rafting.
If it was left in the lap of a lapdanceer Like so many of my umbrellas! And the Olympic torch woke up, chained to a lamppost in Edinburgh! They are missing a trick.
It would be better if they turned to the guy to say, "You know what you have done, you have cancelled the Olympics! "Shut it down, it is all over now! Olympic torch has proved popular, hasn't it? Lots of people meeting the Olympic torch? I think that they think it is actually the sun.
They are not seen it for a while It is yellow, hot, they are there going, ahhhh My favourite week in the endless procession of the torch is Jill Makinson Sanders, the Mayor of A town called Louth in Lincolnshire who decided to dress up as a local product of the town of Lincolnshire, they are apparently famous for its sausages.
Here is how she decided to welcome the torch and she ran alongside the torch, as a giant penis! Down the streets It looks like you! does not look like me?! It is nothing like me! My arms do not staff above my chin like that.
I love that.
The 100th programme, the first time we've been heckled by the audience.
You look like a giant penis sausage.
Do you want to do, can you do a clever director's thing to Scotch the rumours that I look anything like a 6ft tall penis sausage.
There you go.
Nothing like that! APPLAUSE Hold the cards up.
The other hand.
Teeth! APPLAUSE Well, somebody's got a new Twitter avatar! Our next round is News Reel.
We play footage featuring people in the news and ask you to suggest what is in the clip.
This week's clip is David Cameron and William Hague.
Enjoying the Moscow weather, William Why aren't we in the car? There is one road in, one road out.
After the pasty thing we can't afford a U-turn.
I am David Cameron, the Prime Minister of Great Britain.
This is William Hague, the Phil Mitchell look alike.
We are here to meet Vladimir Putin and the other fella? Yes, well, you say you are the Prime Minister, yet you do not have a car? We have not come in a car.
Even the Greeks have a car and they are in the shit.
Please, let us in, he is expecting us, show us in, please.
So, this is the inside of the fearsome Kremlin, can't see why it is frightening, perhaps people have never been to Barnsley.
Lovely to meet you, didn't recognise you with a shirt on, not riding on the horse.
I am David, I am the Hello How do you do I am David Cameron No, not one hand-shake.
Well, never mind, David, you only lost a bit of pride, you have not miss laid your child again.
Come to think of it Never mind.
So, comrade come Ron, the mission is complete.
You will travel to Washington, give President Obama a present he is not expecting.
He has gone mad.
Carry on as normal.
Don't eat the sushi.
Right, Vladimir Putin, we are pleased to be here in this time for both of our countries.
We wish to foster trade links between the two great nations.
We are uniquely matched in that you have lots of money and we are happy for you not to pay any tax at all.
So, could you translate that, please? Yes, certainly, he says you are a criminal who rigged the election and you should rot in jail.
Hmm! I didn't say that, I was talking about trade links.
Yes, he said you dress like a girl and you smeel like a meerkat.
Kill him! was a Preston to London Megabus stopped by the police on the motorway this week? The usual reasons.
This was the story where a passenger reported seeing some smoke coming out of some other passenger's bag.
Thought it was a bomb.
It turned out it was a fake cigarette, producing a water vapour.
Now, let's face it if you have been pulled over, loads of police arrive, there are guns in your face, you are accused of being a terrorist, that is not going to help you give up smoking? When you drive on the motorway, going to gigs, the back of the Megabus, for those of you have not had the pleasure, there are times when you are hypnotiesed by that weird There are many things, firstly, why does that many have such large breasts? I have spent hours staring at that man's breasts! Where can you go for �1? don't know.
There is an address there.
I love the way they put there is a 50 pence booking fee.
People are going to say, "That is a rip off.
" I walked in with this in my hand, expecting to be transported to a far away land.
Then I have to pay you more money.
Screw you, Megabus man.
Yellow man with enormous breasts, looking disappointed behind the counter! APPLAUSE I apologise.
I know when you are disappointed you don't go, "I am disappointed.
".
I think that Megabus represents the top of the list of decadence for the West We with wail bring the West to its knees.
Middle-aged women will no longer go to the cinema in the West End.
Students cannot visit girlfriends in far away towns.
In my ear, people are saying, "Wear the hat, wear the hat.
" They think that I look like the megaman in it! APPLAUSE That means that that man looks like a penis sausage! They should called it penissausage.
com.
You are trying to do this to make us look like you -- think you don't look like a penis sausage.
Now you look like a penis sausage in a yellow hat! No! I have lost ownership of the joke now! Somebody's got another new Twitter avatar! Am I a little bit shiny? other news That's that done.
Was there anything else to do? There is no point in avoiding tax when heroining it is that easy! APPLAUSE They could have dropped that into the show.
You were suddenly, randomly drunk! I don't need it! I'm just like the chase, I'm just enjoying the chase.
Thank you very much.
Who are you talking to? Well, let's be honest, we've all been wondering?! And Wayne Rooney is And Wayne Rooney has been in Shut up! Nice to hear that the applause ended before you sit down, so you sit down in complete silence it was good, but not that good.
So, what's been happening in the year, 2012? Tell me how good it was? I don't have to tell you fucking anything! Oh, no, that is the wrong category.
The RSPCA told farmers to move their cattle to higher ground When you said that I couldn't get rid of the image of a farmer going Take me to higher ground.
APPLAUSE I was not expecting you to dance in the middle.
That is more of that, isn't it? # Take me to higher ground.
# a strange time to be doing a language tape? I don't know, but he is very angry about his gas fire.
Is he, or is it known that 1 million Brits go to work on drugs and as many firms as one in seven are testing.
So, if you look around this panel, I must be honest, my money is on Milton! The next topic is The next topic is Pit the book away! Bloody penis sausage! the 1980s in Manchester there was a huge pigeon problem, not huge pigeons, that would have been awful.
Argh! Sorry! I've lost my ear piece! Something has just come out of his penis.
My penis sausage! Quite literally ejaculated into my ear piece.
Sausage penis head.
Take me to higher # One singular sensation.
# Obviously, when we are about to discuss this, I ask you to temper the comments, the jokes and the observations with the fact that Andy Murray, the run-up in the British men's singles finals is actually out there in the audience at the moment! A big applause for Andy Murray! APPLAUSE Thank you very much.
Andy, specifically said no fuss! Yeah, no fuss.
Just dropping into the back of the show to enjoy the gig like anyone else.
No big thing happen happening.
So, all I am saying, it's a pleasure to have you hear.
When you are talking about the final, keep it light.
There he is! You have some glasses down there, you can have a crack at that one as well.
I am not doing every face that we do on this show! Yes, Professor Peter Higgs, I'm not.
I'm not going to do this.
I can't look like everything that we discover on the show.
He looks like APPLAUSE OK.
Here we go.
The first subject is Things You Didn't Hear at the Queen's Jubilee.
A sea of red, white and blue as thousands of hyperactive children vomit up the icing from the Jubilee weekend! You can't help thinking that nationalism may have gone a little too far.
The flotilla is anchored off France, ready to invade Calais.
We hear recently that the Queen's dogs have done a complete overhaul of the palace plumbing system.
Mersefully, they are Corgi registered! Come in number 46, your time is up.
And now is our chance to join in lustily with the sec verse of the National Anthem.
# The Queen # (mumbles) Yes, so, if I say I have a bladder infection, will it work? Excellent.
I can't stand Gary Barlow! Harry, when I told you to put on your uniform, I didn't mean that one! And it's amazing to think, isn't it, she is 86 years old.
Please, give it up one more time, Annie Lennox! this is a real Jubilee mug, a man who has paid �25 for a Jubilee mug! Awful scenes before the concert, a rather embarrassing fat man has jumped on to the stage.
He is pulling faces and mouthing to Robbie Williams's records Oh, And the Queen places the diamond in the stand, lighting the final Jubilee beacon.
Now she terns the crystal dome and tries to collect as many golden coupons as she can The boat is spread out over the vast space of the Thames, like thoughts in Fern Cotton's head.
There she is, Her Majesty the Queen, where else can you see an 86-year- old, standing for hours, just waiting to be seen? Well, any NHS hospital! The next topic is, Unlike Lines from a Thriller.
One more, or what more evidence is there that you need that there is a mole? Look at the lawn! Your wife's head in a box, you must be the most unlucky contestant ever, on Deal Or No Deal.
What colour wire do I have to cut? The lilac, the mauve, the salmon pink or the fuchsia?! I want to make you a vodka martini.
You can't handle vermouth.
Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me? She purred.
Yes, it is a gun in my pocket, I have just shot my cock off.
I'm telling you, there will be no attack.
This is a side picked by Roy Hodgson.
So, Mr Bond, we meet Argh! Flipping hell! I'm telling you, captain, I work best alone, or
Over the last few weeks we have been busy celebrating our 100th show,.
I think there has been lots of stuff about banky and the eurozone as well.
Tonight we are taking a look back at some of those.
This is the semi-annual compilation clip show.
Hope you enjoy it.
Here is a picture of the Queen, what is she saying here? She is saying, "So be it, sky walker, now die.
" Is she saying, "I can see you looking, Elton, it is my tiara, you cannot borrow it.
" Tom Jones looks like he is trying to hypnoties the Queen, either that or he is being goosed by Sir Paul McCartney.
seems to be saying, "Oh, dear, I seem to be at Madame Tussauds.
".
she saying, "You do all have the number tor Dignitas, don'tow?" she saying, "I have major beef with you, Richard ?" Hang on, is she peter Andre? I trained Don't compare me to the Queen! I have major beef with you, Richard, you put the The Lord's Prayer to Auld Lang Syne and I will cut your face.
It looks like it could be an advert.
If you look at Sir Paul McCartney and Tom Jones, it looks like an advert for Just for Men.
It's the Queen saying, "Go on, pull my finger.
" Are they saying happy birthday to her? Grace Jones, she had a hula hoop, singing Slave to the Rhythm.
I thought, am I the only one seeing this? Who booked grace Jones?! She was not hula hooping, she had been imprisoned by the elders from crypton.
You must be careful.
There was a concert.
There was an Ireland football match.
I was looking at the score for loads of Irish people and loads of people were tweeting, "Nobody cares lash tag Jubilee! Like I walked on to the stage to say, "K rob, put is sock in it.
" Was it not strange that they built that elaborate Gloriana for the Queen, and yet, was it just me who thought it was weird she was not on it? The only person on it was Clare Balding.
It was like Clare Balding was Queen! The l The Queen looking like she can handle herself in a pub fight?! The answer is chickens, nurses and rain.
What is the question? Is it what does Heston Blumenthal put in a trifle? Is it name three things APPLAUSE Is it what are the most used sound effects in the radio drama, Monsoon Poultry Hospital? There's been another monsoon for the chickens! Where are all the actors Scottish? Doctor, doctor, I think that the chicken is drowning! Is it all the things that my gran says is stealing the money when I visit her? OK, what is the correct answer? Name thee things you will not find in a chicken nugget! Correct.
Is it what are the opening stage directions in the television dram a Monsoon Poultry Hospital? Chickens, nurses, rain, a man walks through the fog! It is a hospital I'm working in now? What was the name of fog horn, leg horn's controversial early career in porn film? Sorry, I want to do more chickens and hospitals.
Clear, bark! Clear, bark! We've lost him.
That is me finishing off the chicken.
Do doctor, doctor, get my the baster.
There is a graphic going around Twitter, showing how much Vodaphone evaded taxes as opposed to how much Jimmy Carr evaded Avoided not evaded Yes, because he will be making his money back in a legal claim against Chris Addison.
Good luck with that! It will be the case of the century.
It will be this The most middle- class law case! Get off! There was a graphic that went around that, what was it, avoid? Avoidance, yes.
There was a graphic going around, I hope this will be worth it! It's been great so far.
There is nowhere that this can go now.
Maybe you should have evaded the joke, not avoided the joke.
I would love to, but I won't know which is which.
Sorry, so, evading is bad? Evasion is illegal, avoidance is legal, but potentially morally wrong.
So Darth Avoider void was not as evil as Darth Vader? He was standing back in the scenes, Darth Avoider void saying that he didn't think we had to blow up the whole of the planet.
Was he like a cuddly bear? I like the modcons of the Death Star, but not the morality.
Any way, there was a graphic on Twitter Was it about evasion or avoidance? Avoision! There's a lot of avoision going on here.
It is like lactose intolerance, a milk avoision! OK Come on! Stpifplt -- Come on.
Blue Peter is coming on in minute.
There was a graphic showing the amount of tax that Jimmy Carr avoided than another company, I thought, don't give himed a vice, in six months time Lille be earning more than the Carphone Warehouse! Now, in terms of tax avoidance, if there were schemes picked up, film investment schemes that a lot of people put money into.
I myself, and I put all of my savings into the big budget production of Monsoon Poultry Hospital! Very wise.
You were involved.
I play the role of Morag, the nurse.
I think we are going to make a lot of money it is me and Hugh.
Does that say it is written by Alfred Hitchcock?! It is nice to know where the budget of the show goes.
Do you notice how well I look as a nurse? Surprisingly fitting! shoulders, a hint of the Readers' Wives about you there! If you turned up at my bed in a hospital, I would discharge myself! Listen, I have no doubt you would discharge yourself! APPLAUSE My favourite Olympic torch story is this week the Olympic torch is brought on the raft to the slalom course.
What brilliant plan is this.
Right, one second later, there is the Olympic torch! It had to be brought and lit from the mother flame, which apparently is discreetly held in a miner's lab it is like a Zippo.
It had to be re- lit.
The Olympic Flame has to be lit, kindled by the rays of the sun.
That is in the our strong point.
They should have given us a special dispensation, so everyone should have had a damp flannel and you wring yours out into the other person's flannel.
APPLAUSE Do you know what What is weird about the Olympic torch, though, is it is having a very exciting time.
On a zip wire in Newcastle, sailing, white water rafting.
It is like it has a deal with the Make a Wish Foundation.
It is like, as if it is somebody's stag do, taking the Olympic torch white water rafting.
If it was left in the lap of a lapdanceer Like so many of my umbrellas! And the Olympic torch woke up, chained to a lamppost in Edinburgh! They are missing a trick.
It would be better if they turned to the guy to say, "You know what you have done, you have cancelled the Olympics! "Shut it down, it is all over now! Olympic torch has proved popular, hasn't it? Lots of people meeting the Olympic torch? I think that they think it is actually the sun.
They are not seen it for a while It is yellow, hot, they are there going, ahhhh My favourite week in the endless procession of the torch is Jill Makinson Sanders, the Mayor of A town called Louth in Lincolnshire who decided to dress up as a local product of the town of Lincolnshire, they are apparently famous for its sausages.
Here is how she decided to welcome the torch and she ran alongside the torch, as a giant penis! Down the streets It looks like you! does not look like me?! It is nothing like me! My arms do not staff above my chin like that.
I love that.
The 100th programme, the first time we've been heckled by the audience.
You look like a giant penis sausage.
Do you want to do, can you do a clever director's thing to Scotch the rumours that I look anything like a 6ft tall penis sausage.
There you go.
Nothing like that! APPLAUSE Hold the cards up.
The other hand.
Teeth! APPLAUSE Well, somebody's got a new Twitter avatar! Our next round is News Reel.
We play footage featuring people in the news and ask you to suggest what is in the clip.
This week's clip is David Cameron and William Hague.
Enjoying the Moscow weather, William Why aren't we in the car? There is one road in, one road out.
After the pasty thing we can't afford a U-turn.
I am David Cameron, the Prime Minister of Great Britain.
This is William Hague, the Phil Mitchell look alike.
We are here to meet Vladimir Putin and the other fella? Yes, well, you say you are the Prime Minister, yet you do not have a car? We have not come in a car.
Even the Greeks have a car and they are in the shit.
Please, let us in, he is expecting us, show us in, please.
So, this is the inside of the fearsome Kremlin, can't see why it is frightening, perhaps people have never been to Barnsley.
Lovely to meet you, didn't recognise you with a shirt on, not riding on the horse.
I am David, I am the Hello How do you do I am David Cameron No, not one hand-shake.
Well, never mind, David, you only lost a bit of pride, you have not miss laid your child again.
Come to think of it Never mind.
So, comrade come Ron, the mission is complete.
You will travel to Washington, give President Obama a present he is not expecting.
He has gone mad.
Carry on as normal.
Don't eat the sushi.
Right, Vladimir Putin, we are pleased to be here in this time for both of our countries.
We wish to foster trade links between the two great nations.
We are uniquely matched in that you have lots of money and we are happy for you not to pay any tax at all.
So, could you translate that, please? Yes, certainly, he says you are a criminal who rigged the election and you should rot in jail.
Hmm! I didn't say that, I was talking about trade links.
Yes, he said you dress like a girl and you smeel like a meerkat.
Kill him! was a Preston to London Megabus stopped by the police on the motorway this week? The usual reasons.
This was the story where a passenger reported seeing some smoke coming out of some other passenger's bag.
Thought it was a bomb.
It turned out it was a fake cigarette, producing a water vapour.
Now, let's face it if you have been pulled over, loads of police arrive, there are guns in your face, you are accused of being a terrorist, that is not going to help you give up smoking? When you drive on the motorway, going to gigs, the back of the Megabus, for those of you have not had the pleasure, there are times when you are hypnotiesed by that weird There are many things, firstly, why does that many have such large breasts? I have spent hours staring at that man's breasts! Where can you go for �1? don't know.
There is an address there.
I love the way they put there is a 50 pence booking fee.
People are going to say, "That is a rip off.
" I walked in with this in my hand, expecting to be transported to a far away land.
Then I have to pay you more money.
Screw you, Megabus man.
Yellow man with enormous breasts, looking disappointed behind the counter! APPLAUSE I apologise.
I know when you are disappointed you don't go, "I am disappointed.
".
I think that Megabus represents the top of the list of decadence for the West We with wail bring the West to its knees.
Middle-aged women will no longer go to the cinema in the West End.
Students cannot visit girlfriends in far away towns.
In my ear, people are saying, "Wear the hat, wear the hat.
" They think that I look like the megaman in it! APPLAUSE That means that that man looks like a penis sausage! They should called it penissausage.
com.
You are trying to do this to make us look like you -- think you don't look like a penis sausage.
Now you look like a penis sausage in a yellow hat! No! I have lost ownership of the joke now! Somebody's got another new Twitter avatar! Am I a little bit shiny? other news That's that done.
Was there anything else to do? There is no point in avoiding tax when heroining it is that easy! APPLAUSE They could have dropped that into the show.
You were suddenly, randomly drunk! I don't need it! I'm just like the chase, I'm just enjoying the chase.
Thank you very much.
Who are you talking to? Well, let's be honest, we've all been wondering?! And Wayne Rooney is And Wayne Rooney has been in Shut up! Nice to hear that the applause ended before you sit down, so you sit down in complete silence it was good, but not that good.
So, what's been happening in the year, 2012? Tell me how good it was? I don't have to tell you fucking anything! Oh, no, that is the wrong category.
The RSPCA told farmers to move their cattle to higher ground When you said that I couldn't get rid of the image of a farmer going Take me to higher ground.
APPLAUSE I was not expecting you to dance in the middle.
That is more of that, isn't it? # Take me to higher ground.
# a strange time to be doing a language tape? I don't know, but he is very angry about his gas fire.
Is he, or is it known that 1 million Brits go to work on drugs and as many firms as one in seven are testing.
So, if you look around this panel, I must be honest, my money is on Milton! The next topic is The next topic is Pit the book away! Bloody penis sausage! the 1980s in Manchester there was a huge pigeon problem, not huge pigeons, that would have been awful.
Argh! Sorry! I've lost my ear piece! Something has just come out of his penis.
My penis sausage! Quite literally ejaculated into my ear piece.
Sausage penis head.
Take me to higher # One singular sensation.
# Obviously, when we are about to discuss this, I ask you to temper the comments, the jokes and the observations with the fact that Andy Murray, the run-up in the British men's singles finals is actually out there in the audience at the moment! A big applause for Andy Murray! APPLAUSE Thank you very much.
Andy, specifically said no fuss! Yeah, no fuss.
Just dropping into the back of the show to enjoy the gig like anyone else.
No big thing happen happening.
So, all I am saying, it's a pleasure to have you hear.
When you are talking about the final, keep it light.
There he is! You have some glasses down there, you can have a crack at that one as well.
I am not doing every face that we do on this show! Yes, Professor Peter Higgs, I'm not.
I'm not going to do this.
I can't look like everything that we discover on the show.
He looks like APPLAUSE OK.
Here we go.
The first subject is Things You Didn't Hear at the Queen's Jubilee.
A sea of red, white and blue as thousands of hyperactive children vomit up the icing from the Jubilee weekend! You can't help thinking that nationalism may have gone a little too far.
The flotilla is anchored off France, ready to invade Calais.
We hear recently that the Queen's dogs have done a complete overhaul of the palace plumbing system.
Mersefully, they are Corgi registered! Come in number 46, your time is up.
And now is our chance to join in lustily with the sec verse of the National Anthem.
# The Queen # (mumbles) Yes, so, if I say I have a bladder infection, will it work? Excellent.
I can't stand Gary Barlow! Harry, when I told you to put on your uniform, I didn't mean that one! And it's amazing to think, isn't it, she is 86 years old.
Please, give it up one more time, Annie Lennox! this is a real Jubilee mug, a man who has paid �25 for a Jubilee mug! Awful scenes before the concert, a rather embarrassing fat man has jumped on to the stage.
He is pulling faces and mouthing to Robbie Williams's records Oh, And the Queen places the diamond in the stand, lighting the final Jubilee beacon.
Now she terns the crystal dome and tries to collect as many golden coupons as she can The boat is spread out over the vast space of the Thames, like thoughts in Fern Cotton's head.
There she is, Her Majesty the Queen, where else can you see an 86-year- old, standing for hours, just waiting to be seen? Well, any NHS hospital! The next topic is, Unlike Lines from a Thriller.
One more, or what more evidence is there that you need that there is a mole? Look at the lawn! Your wife's head in a box, you must be the most unlucky contestant ever, on Deal Or No Deal.
What colour wire do I have to cut? The lilac, the mauve, the salmon pink or the fuchsia?! I want to make you a vodka martini.
You can't handle vermouth.
Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me? She purred.
Yes, it is a gun in my pocket, I have just shot my cock off.
I'm telling you, there will be no attack.
This is a side picked by Roy Hodgson.
So, Mr Bond, we meet Argh! Flipping hell! I'm telling you, captain, I work best alone, or