My Family (2000) s11e06 Episode Script

Staring at your phone won't make it ring.
Trust me, I've been doing it for years.
Your father's sent me another text.
Oh, well.
Better luck next time.
He hasn't quite got the hang of texting yet.
There seems to be a lot of Russian letters in every message.
I'm impressed he didn't take the remote by mistake.
-How long is he at that conference for? -A week.
Are you okay with that? Well, I had hoped they could stretch it out to a fortnight.
(PHONE BEEPING) Oh, no.
Not again.
This is really frustrating.
(SIGHING) Well, this one makes no sense at all.
What's it say? ''I miss you.
'' He's even used the little ''u''.
Look.
What's that supposed to mean? Maybe he misses you.
Don't be ridiculous.
Maybe his phone's been stolen.
Or he's been kidnapped.
(PHONE BEEPING) (SIGHING) Oh, he's got the predictive text wrong.
He meant to say, ''I miss TV''.
Isn't this nice? A professional mother and daughter having a working lunch together.
How mature.
What a minger.
Mum, she's seriously let herself go.
Darling, that's Peter Stringfellow.
-Hi, Susan.
-Hi, Chris.
I'm just dropping off those sales figures.
Uh-huh.
You might want to keep an eye out.
Katie's on the prowl.
Thanks, Chris.
Mum.
Hello.
Mum, who is that? He started here last week.
Ooh! Potential romantic interest in the workplace, Mum.
Janey, please.
I'm a happily married I'm a married woman and I'm a professional and prefer to be seen as such.
That is why I keep my personal and my work life separate.
And that is why, madam, you should really consider investing in some art.
I have met your daughter before, Susan.
Oh, thank God.
I thought I was going to have to buy some art.
Sorry, Katie.
I was just getting back to work.
Oh, relax, you're allowed to have a lunch break.
Course it should have finished five minutes ago.
Time flies when you're having flan.
Okay, I know it's fruit salad but it didn't sound sohilarious.
I need to talk to you about the new exhibition.
Ah, did you like my display? -No.
-Oh.
It has no flow, poor structure A shambolic layout.
Oh, yes.
That's what I was aiming for.
When you've finished not having flan, perhaps you could redo the entire thing.
But that'll take hours.
Don't worry.
You can have all night to get it done, if you like.
How generous of you.
Chris can give you a hand.
Maybe he'll have a better take on it.
It wouldn't be hard.
-Ciao.
-Ciao.
Cow! Result! You get to spend all night with Chris, the hot new guy.
Yes, lucky me.
I don't get nearly enough unpaid overtime.
You're welcome to stick around and help out.
Oh, sure, why not? And by help out, I mean hang paintings.
Not pout seductively for Chris's benefit.
Bye.
(WEATHER FORECAST ON TV) (TV CHANGES TO CHILDREN'S CARTOON) Hey, Kenzo.
How was your day? Rubbish.
You know, just cause Granddad's away, you don't have to fill in for him.
We got our report card at school and mine sucks.
Oh, well, looks like I'm still the clever one in the family.
Not that I need that to define who I am.
Hang on.
These are all A's, you little Clever man.
No.
I got a C for art.
My teacher marked me down because he doesn't like me.
I'm sure that's not true.
Yes, it is.
Mr Tilly is mean.
Mr Tilly? He was my art teacher.
He never liked me and gave me rubbish marks.
I bet he's got it in for you 'cause he hated me.
And all because I pulled a few pranks on him.
I thought you were good in school.
I was.
But there's a little part of me that hates being criticised and lashes out at people because of it.
Did you get that from Granddad? Afraid so.
And Mr Tilly got the brunt of it.
He made me feel like I'd never amount to anything.
Well, you don't have a job.
That's a bit harsh, Kenzo.
You know what? I'm going to give Tilly a piece of my mind.
Tell him to leave you alone.
Well, you've got the time.
It's not like you have to go to work.
You know, maybe Tilly's got a point about you.
I suppose Katie might be happy if we stick that piece over there? I know where I'd rather stick it.
I can't believe Katie's making us work this late.
It's easier knowing there's a bottle of chardonnay waiting for me.
It's a shame it has to wait, really.
What was that? Have a glass with me.
-Are you sure about this? -It's fine.
I've got another bottle in the fridge.
And my husband's away, so, I don't have to put anyone to bed when I get home.
So, how's it looking? It's good.
You've got a real eye for art, Susan.
I could learn a lot from you.
Oh, you.
Yes, you probably could.
It's so easy to get excited by art.
This piece, for instance, is very evocative.
The simplicity of two lines intertwined creating the image of embracing lovers.
To feel the physical bliss of sexual unity from basic shapes and angles shows the true passion of the imagination, don't you think? Yes.
Then again, it's just a silly painting.
Well, you know what? I think I can finish up here on my own.
Really? I don't mind helping out.
Chris, I think we've had a little misunderstanding here.
You're a very handsome man and, if I weren't married, who knows what could happen? In all aspects of my life, actually.
But I'm rambling now, but the point is I think you should leave.
Maybe I should leave.
Yes, yes.
That's it.
I'll leave.
Well.
(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY) Thanks for the help, colleague.
Uh Oh! Here are the keys to lock up.
No, no, no.
There you are.
There are the keys.
-Let me help with your coat.
-No, no, no.
I think I can manage.
No.
It's fine.
You know what, it's a mild evening, I don't really need my coat.
Bye.
I've still got it.
(KNOCKING) -Morning, Susan.
-Hi, Katie.
Mind if I pop in? Oh, well, I'm a bit busy at the moment No, please do take a seat.
How are you? Concerned.
You're smiling.
At me.
Why? No reason.
No reason at all.
Oh, there was one tiny, little thing.
You've been charged with sexual harassment.
-What? By who? -Chris.
Oh, but that's ridiculous.
If anything, he harassed me.
Well, he says that you plied him with alcohol.
I gave him a glass of wine.
And you said he was a very handsome man.
Yes, well, I did say that.
And you also expressed a wish that you weren't married.
I've done that so many times before it's lost all meaning.
And anyway, he said things to me, too.
Such as? He said Yes.
Oh, wait, wait, wait, no.
He said, he said he didn't mind helping out.
I'm not sure I can reprimand someone for that.
No, but it was the way he said it.
All icky.
Susan, this is obviously a very serious matter but we don't want to make any rash decisions.
Such as believing Chris and dismissing everything I say? Look, until we're able to resolve the situation, I just think it's better if you avoided Chris.
Yes, of course.
What the hell do you think you're playing at? -Ah, Susan.
-I don't want to hear it.
I wasn't going to say anything else.
Oh.
Well, good.
How could you say all those things about me? My name is all I have.
And it's already spoilt because it's got Harper at the end of it.
Now everyone will think I'm some sort of sex panther.
Sex panther? Well, they might not think that exactly, but something in the randy-cat area.
So, do you know what we're going to do? You and I are going to see Katie and tell her what really happened.
Oh, I'm not sure if I want to do that.
(THREATENINGLY) Oh, you don't understand.
We are going to do it.
I don't care if the whole gallery has to hear it, I'm going to get what I want.
Ah, Katie This isn't what you meant by ''stay away from Chris,'' is it? (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Come in.
-Mr Tilly? -Yes? Hi.
Um, you probably don't recognise me.
I've matured a lot since I was here.
Michael Harper, isn't it? Yeah.
I was wondering if I could talk to you.
We're both adults now.
We should be able to have a conversation on equal footing.
Of course.
Take a seat.
(CHUCKLING) -The thing is -Doing well for yourself, I see.
I assume you're out of work, if you're able to make social calls during the day.
How do you know this isn't my lunch break? Is it? No.
But the thing is my Is that gum you're chewing? Um Yeah.
Out! Can I speak now? I don't know, Harper.
Can you? May I Mr Tilly! My nephew is a student of yours Ah, yes.
(LAUGHING) Kenzo.
And I'd hate to think he may be treated as unfairly as I was.
Unfairly? As I recall, Harper, you slipped laxatives into my tea, started the trend of calling me ''Silly Tilly'' and exploded a stink bomb inside my Vauxhall Astra.
I never called you Silly Tilly.
I may have caused occasional trouble but I was still a good student.
(CHUCKLING) It's funny you should say that.
When I saw I was teaching Kenzo, I thought I'd look back at your record.
It seems you never handed in your second year art course work.
-I didn't? -No.
Well, I'd best be off.
Walk! Don't run.
Hi, Mum.
How was work? I was accused of sexual harassment by that new guy Chris.
Wow! Good for you, Mum.
So, where'd you do it? In the stationary cupboard? Fire escape? (SHARP INTAKE OF BREATH) On the desk! None of those! I didn't do it! Oh.
So what did you do? All I did was offer him a glass of wine, flatter him and talk passionately about art and sexual intimacy.
It's not sounding good, Mum.
No, it isn't, is it? Oh, God.
Maybe Maybe I did harass him.
Well, it's a proud move for feminism.
I might have to explain feminism to you sometime.
So, what happens now? Katie's making me attend a course on sexual harassment tomorrow.
Well, another qualification always helps.
Janey.
Janey, just to confirm.
You do actually believe I'm innocent, don't you? Of course, Mum.
I have total confidence in you.
Hey! What's going on? Mum jumped a guy at work.
Hello.
Gosh, what a relief.
I thought I'd be the only woman here.
This is silly, isn't it? A simple misunderstanding and we have to go through all this.
It's political correctness gone mad.
It was nice talking to you, too.
(EXCLAIMING) You should watch yourself around Ang.
She's a gooser.
I'm Patrick.
Sorry, I'm not exactly here to meet people.
This whole thing has been a terrible mistake and quite frankly perverts like you sicken me.
Well, I am actually the course director.
My goodness.
I'm sorry.
I'm Susan Harper.
Sorry.
No, No.
It's okay.
But there's nothing to be ashamed of here.
This course is completely confidential.
Now, see, confidential suggests there is something to be ashamed of.
Maybe you'd like to give me a hand with an opening exercise.
-Hi, everyone.
Take a seat, please.
-No.
No, please.
Oh.
Thank you.
Now, to get us started, Susan here has volunteered to take part in an activity to show that improper communication is unacceptable in the workplace, be it abusive, sexual or merely calling someone a sickening pervert.
Susan is going to read out some phrases and the group will say whether they're appropriate of inappropriate.
Mrs Harper? What happened to confidentiality? Just read the cards.
-Hello, sexy.
-(ALL) Hello.
Just say, ''appropriate'' or ''inappropriate'', please.
Hello, sexy.
(ALL) Inappropriate.
I'm happy to help you.
(ALL) Appropriate.
Now, surely that's open to interpretation.
It would be quite different if I said (SEDUCTIVELY) I'm happy to help you.
(ALL) Inappropriate.
See? See? And it would be perfectly harmless if I said, ''You're an attractive man.
'' (ALL) Inappropriate.
This exercise isn't actually about interpretation.
Well, then it's a pretty stupid exercise, isn't it? (ALL) Appropriate.
Oh, shut up, the lot of you.
(ALL) Inappropriate.
All right, can you please just take a small break? Susan, can I have a word, please? I'm sorry, Patrick.
I know I'm not behaving well, but you have to understand.
I would never associate myself with the kind of people that come to this sort of course.
Just keep thinking what Ben would say.
Ben? Ben Harper? Why does that name sound familiar? Oh, never mind.
Have you been avoiding me? What makes you think that? Did you speak to Mr Tilly? To be honest, I've been very busy, Kenzo.
Yeah, right.
He said that you went to see him and ran away like a little boy.
That's rubbish.
I ran away like a man! Look, there's no talking to Tilly.
I think the best thing you can do is just take your C grade and forget about it.
-Really? -Yeah.
'Cause otherwise it'll eat away at you day after day, gnawing at your insides until eventually you'lljust be so angry you'll want to take a paintbrush, shove it down his throat and say, ''How do you like that, Tilly? Is that art?'' I'm sure that won't happen to you.
-Hey! How was the course? -Terrible.
The amount of Old Spice wafting through that room.
It's given me a migraine.
-Well, at least it's all over.
-I wish.
I've got another four sessions to go.
I can't take any more.
I hate to say it, Mum, but it sounds like you're just going to have to grit your teeth until this whole mess has gone away.
-I suppose you're right.
-Mmm.
VOICE ON ANSWERING MACHINE: One newmessage.
Hello, Susan, Katie here.
Justheard all aboutyour behaviour at the course today.
I'm afraidyou're suspended until further notice.
Sbeak soon.
Ciao.
Right.
That's it! I have to talk to Chris and convince him I did nothing wrong.
You sure that'll work? Oh, I can be very persuasive.
I know it shouldn't but everything you say now sounds really dirty.
Oh, hi.
You all right? This thing with Kenzo's teacher is bothering me.
Oh, listen, Mike.
I know you didn't sort it out, but I believe you're doing Kenzo a service.
How? I think it's good for kids to be disappointed once in a while.
Thanks.
I mean, it's a good life lesson to pin all your hopes on one person and have them let you down.
Okay, okay.
I get your point.
I have a point? (DOORBELL BUZZING) Ha! That'll be Chris.
-Chris? -Yeah.
The gallery guy.
Mum's going to convince him to drop the charges.
So, Mum's invited the man she's harassed around to harass him into dropping the harassment charges? Yup.
And what are you doing? Oh, I thought I'd hang around and listen in, in case things get frisky.
What is wrong with the women in this family? SUSAN: Come in, Chris.
Nice to see you again.
Not nice, nice.
Platonic nice.
And when I say, ''See you'', I don't mean ogle you.
Right.
-Take a seat.
-Thank you.
Drink? A soft one.
I'm not trying to ply you with anything I'm beingappropriate.
-Nuts? -I'm fine, thank you.
So -How's work? -Well, today we Great! Anyway, I was just wondering if we might clear up our misunderstanding.
Obviously, I apologise if anything I said to you could be misconstrued.
Although, to be honest, I made the mistake of thinking you were flirting with me.
I was.
Right, I see.
What? You're a passionate woman, Susan.
I like that.
And, as for clearing the matter up, there is one very simple solution.
-There is? -Yes.
Sleep with me.
There's no allegations for me to make if it actually happened.
Right, um, slightly fuzzy logic there but I think I get the point.
Would you excuse me a moment? Janey? Janey, did you hear that? -Janey! -Hear what? -You're supposed to be a witness.
-Mmm? Chris just said he would drop the charges if I slept with him.
Really? Nice one! Not nice one! The man's a sleaze bucket.
Well, you're in luck.
Because I am an expert in lechy men.
In a situation like this, there are three options.
Bear in mind I'm not going to sleep with him.
Okay, two options.
First, you could tell Katie what's happened and hope she believes you this time.
That's unlikely.
She still thinks I stole the stapler from work.
-Did you? -Yes.
No! I borrowed it! Oh, it's a stapler, who cares? Okay, then option two is call his bluff.
He can't be interested in you for anything more than a cheap and weird thrill.
Thanks for that.
If you make him think you want something serious, then he'll change his mind.
The idea of a relationship with you will scare the life out of him.
Again, thank you.
Honestly, Mum, he'll be out of that door so fast, you won't see him for dust.
-In fact -Shut up, Janey.
-Hello.
-Hello.
I've been thinking about your offer in the kitchen, and, uh I've decided to say yes.
Great.
However, we have to be realistic about this.
I'm not a one-night kind of lady.
If anything were to occur between us, I would need a proper long-term commitment.
Okay.
You do realise I want a proper monogamous relationship, right? Yeah.
That's totally reasonable.
Right.
Wonderful.
Of course, I'm married.
Me too.
Really? So, you'd be worried about leaving your wife.
I see.
But that would mean we'd both have to move out and find a place together, which is a pretty maJor commitment.
Okay, let's do that.
Seriously? Excellent.
Why don't we start looking tomorrow then? I really want to be serious about this.
Ah, sounds good to me.
Brilliant.
Well I look forward to us facing up to the crushing reality of a future together.
Me too.
Fabulous.
Yes Harper.
Hi, me again.
Just thought I'd come back.
Making up for the numerous detentions you avoided? No.
I've got something important to tell you.
What? That you've finally managed to draw a rabbit that doesn't look like a frog? No, I just Oh, come on, boy.
Spit it out.
Clarity was never your forte.
It was, actually.
For your information, I swept through my GSCEs and A-levels.
Got a first for my degree and my tutor said my dissertation was one of the best he'd ever read.
But you're right.
I suppose that doesn't compare to a badly-drawn rabbit.
And your point is? My point is, I'm sorry I gave you a hard time at school.
But if you'd believed in me for one second, it never would have happened.
But I'm fine now, I'm over it.
The only thing that bothers me is you've let our history affect Kenzo, who deserves better than a petty, resentful C grade.
Would you like to see one of Kenzo's paintings? You've been very generous.
So, how was the flat hunting? Well, you know, I was quite surprised at how much we could get for our money.
Oh, Chris isn't backing down and this is a hideous, living hell.
Just keep at it, Mum.
Trust me, he has to be on the verge of cracking.
Just keep calling his bluff.
I have no more bluffs to call.
I mentioned the idea of a nursery and he barely batted an eyelid.
At this rate, I'll be leaving your father and moving into a bright, open-plan, second floor flat in up-and-coming Bromley by Bow.
And your problem is? Okay, okay, okay.
You've got one more option.
And this'll make any man run for the hills.
Make him think you want to get married.
-Wow! -Smart, huh? Oh, no.
It's just suddenly dawned on me.
I'm taking advice from you.
Seriously, you! What on earth am I doing? I'm not hearing much enthusiasm for the new plan.
Because it's deranged.
Oh, really? Okay, then tell me.
How did Dad react when you first mentioned marriage to him? Oh, it's hard to tell.
He disappeared for a fortnight.
(DOORBELL BUZZING) What am I doing? (NERVOUSLY) Oh.
Hello, love of my life.
It's a pleasure to see you.
And, this time, I am ogling you.
-Thanks.
-Oh, Chris I know this has been a crazy, whirlwind affair, some might consider it entirely insane, but I can't help feeling we may be ready to take an even bigger step.
Well, it's funny you should say that.
It is? Yes, because I've been doing some thinking.
And I've got a very important question I'd like to ask you.
Oh, my God.
Susan, is it okay if we don't go through with our plans? (EXCITEDLY) Oh! What? (DEJECTEDLY) Oh, no.
Including sleeping with each other? Yes.
Oh, what a shame.
What we had was so special.
I suppose that means you'll be dropping those sexual harassment charges? Of course, I will.
Oh Well It's going to take me a long time to get over this one, I can tell you.
I suppose reality made our love far too impossible.
Oh, no.
That's not why I want to end it.
-Sorry? -I've met somebody else.
You what? I know! It was so unexpected.
But I'm just like head over heels.
She is the most amazing woman I have ever met.
Well, good for you.
This is just funny.
You said the exact same thing to me three days ago.
Oh, yeah.
But you've got to understand.
This one, well, she's fun and she's witty.
You don't think I can be fun? You don't think I can be witty? -Susan, I -We had a future.
We made plans.
We looked at apartments! I know.
But we couldn't afford one.
You haven't even got a job.
-That's your fault.
-Well, technically.
Not technically, actually.
Oh, God! You know what? Of all the women I've accused of sexual harassment, you are by far the most mental.
All the women What? Well, that's how I tend to meet people.
But that's insane! Well, it worked on you.
We even looked at apartments together.
Get out of here! Go on, get out! Go back to your wife, your girlfriend or whatever spaceship you came on.
Go on, out! Fine! But before I leave, I want the ring back.
You didn't give me a ring.
Oh, sorry.
That must've been somebody else.
Yes, darling.
I'm back at work now.
Oh, well, the usual.
A younger man wanted to marry me, have my children and move to Bromley by Bow.
What's wrong with Bromley by Bow? Oh, got to go.
Katie's here.
Bye, darling.
Thanks for coming back, Susan.
You were right.
Chris is insane.
Oh, he tried it on with you, too.
Well, he wanted to look at apartments with me.
But I told him I'm not an idiot.
I know.
Of course not.
So, to avoid any further problems, I've decided his replacement should be a woman.
Oh, very wise, Katie.
Meet your new assistant.
Ang! You two will be working late tonight.
Ciao, ciao.