Red Dwarf s11e06 Episode Script
Can of Worms
1 (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (BEEPING) - Ah.
- What's this? I salvaged it from the medistation, sir.
It's a personality tuck machine.
Mmm, so it can perform corrective surgery on your character? Exactly.
It scans the patient's brain and forms a personality map.
It's then able to enhance, remove, even sculpt the very traits that make that person who they are.
Hypothetically I'm speaking hypothetically here, do you think I could do with a little work? Take a seat, sir.
I'll cancel this week's schedule.
So, what can you do for me exactly? I'll begin by just working out the areas I think we might be able to improve.
Now here, here, here, here, here, definitely here.
Yes, all right, Kryten, get on with it, man.
Well, take your pomposity, large and unsightly.
Your self-importance, too, is massively engorged.
What's that huge area in the middle there? Well, that is your cowardice, sir.
Perhaps you'd like me to perform a cowardectomy? What? Reduce it to sort of wimp-o-plasty? Hey, what's happening, buds? I'm about to perform some personality surgery on Mr Rimmer.
He's getting a new personality? Great idea.
Not new, moulded, tightened, lifted, shaped.
This is gonna transform me.
I'm gonna be the lady-melting enormous bald stud muffin I've always dreamt of.
Now, Kryten, one thing.
This isn't gonna hurt, is it? There'll just be the slightest, - infinitesimally tiny little scratch.
- Scratch? - Well, when I insert the laser.
- Laser? - Well, it has to burn - Burn? Well, perhaps I should give you a hollow sedative, sir.
- With a needle? - Sir, please.
I'll talk you through every aspect of the procedure step by step.
Right now, I'm just in the Where, where's he gone? Out the door and left.
Oh, Einstein was wrong.
It is possible to break the speed of light.
(ALARM SOUNDING) What the Guys? Keep the noise down, I'm trying to sleep here.
Whoa! What's going on? We're way off course here.
Who's the joker in charge of navigation? You are, sir.
Seriously? Oh, man.
I think I might've dosed off.
Lister, we're 5,000 clicks off course.
All you had to do was engage autopilot.
Your watch, your fault.
You can't blame me for this.
What kind of lunch was that to give your pilot? Roast beef with all the trimmings, followed by seconds, followed by sticky toffee pudding, followed by seconds, followed by beer and coffee and cheese and brandy and port and cigars and that little chocolate mint.
What chance did I stand after a Sunday lunch like that? - How long have I been out? - It's Monday, sir.
Oh, man.
No way.
It's gonna take us forever to get back to Red Dwarf now.
Maybe we could take a short cut across that asteroid belt.
GELF country? If the stories are to be believed, the particular tribe of GELF that inhabit belt Juno 98 are the (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) Oh, sorry.
I just sat down on a screwdriver.
Why does nobody tidy up around here except me? Kryten, you were saying? I'm sorry, sir, yes, that particular tribe are the Nacky Ninckers.
Vampire GELFs to you and me.
Vampire GELFs? The story goes they feast on the blood of virgins.
Feast on the blood of virgins.
Who believes that? Taking her in.
Wait a minute, hang on here, slow the hell down.
- What's the problem? - I'm just curious.
How do they tell the virgins from the non-virgins? Well, according to the ancient myths, they can smell them.
Smell 'em? What the hell does a virgin smell of? Desperation, normally.
Actually, sir, the actual science is that the GELFs can smell the pheromone produced by fear.
Only the virgins are scared, so they're the only ones producing the fear pheromone.
- Thus no issue for us.
- Taking her in.
Hang on, hold up.
Can we discuss this for one stupid, lousy second? - Hang on a minute, are you - No.
- I suppose you must - No! - I never really - Don't even say it.
Okay.
Moving on.
Didn't mean to open up a can of worms here.
I've had my share, let me tell ya.
More than my share.
Plus, I've had full blown love affairs, too.
Well, yes, mirror in the bathroom, mirror in the hall I'd forgotten about those.
Don't you guys know that cats always have two homes? I got a lady cat back on Red Dwarf.
- Hell, I got two.
- On Zed deck.
- On Zed deck.
- On Zed deck.
Exactly.
That's where they are, on Zed deck.
But hiding from you guys, because they're only interested in me.
We will go the long way 'round.
And be quick about it, because I gotta get back to my lady cats on Zed deck.
I'm suddenly starting to miss 'em real bad.
(SOBBING) (MONITOR BEEPS) I'm picking up a ship.
The energy signature's barely registering.
The signal's weaker than the San Marino reserve team.
Posting, logging into their mainframe.
Don't bother, in this region of space, it could well be a GELF battle cruiser.
Maintain current course.
That gets my vote.
According to the hack, it's a transport ship, crew two, one Mercenoid, one prisoner.
A merce-what? A Mercenoid is a droid, sir, who has agreed to sacrifice his life in exchange for software updates in silicone heaven.
These Mercenoids are nuttier than a vegetarian breakfast.
That probably explains why the Mercenoid and his prisoner are on a death dive into the heart of a super-massive black hole.
So what now? We're gonna board that crate before it passes the event horizon.
Risk our necks for one prisoner? Rimmer, that prisoner might be human, we can't just abandon them.
Never say can't, Lister.
You put your mind to it, there's no limit to who you can abandon.
All right, Cat, take her in.
Rimmer, lend me your Dictaphone.
What, why? Because I've got an idea.
Right.
Come on, let's do this.
Good luck, keep in touch.
RIMMER: More ship Intel coming through via the hack.
They were transporting scientific equipment to a bio-station on Orta 15.
Something doesn't smell right.
The ship's log's been deleted and the black box has also been wiped clean.
I'm not getting any pictures from your head cam.
There must be some kind of signal block in place.
How about now? Yes, getting pictures now.
What did you do? Oh, I just recalibrated the fluctuation drive band signal.
- Impressive.
- Thanks.
You're not gonna like this, but I'm picking up something in the movement tracker.
Life signs, organic and part organic, in corridor Beta 12.
Where exactly in Beta 12? RIMMER: At the south entrance.
That's where we are.
Then you should be able to see them, they're there right on top of you.
They may be in the ceiling or under the floor.
Run! Go back, get out of there! Move! Now! Forwards! Not that way, the other way! No, the other way.
Lister, move! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Could these life signs Could they, by any chance, be us? Ah, yes, of course.
Organic and part organic.
Yes, it's you.
They should warn you about that in the instruction manual.
Someone could come along and make a right idiot of himself.
Ah, it does mention it.
It's this bit here in big red capitals.
So easy to miss.
I'm picking up EM emissions.
This way, sirs.
MERCENOID: I know you are here, humies.
If you want to live, you must leave.
He's right.
I think we should go.
- Sir - You haven't seen him.
Okay.
I wanna talk about your prisoner.
I wanna do a trade.
- No trade.
- Let's talk.
No talk.
Now, take my advice and go.
Leave.
LISTER: Who's your prisoner and what have they done? That is my business, not yours.
LISTER: You can trust us, you really can.
RIMMER: You will achieve all your dreams.
Size doesn't matter.
You are very handsome.
(GROWLS) And women think you're extremely attractive.
Actually, that's not really true, so drop your weapon and turn round slowly.
(LISTER SIGHS) (MERCENOID GROANS) Head count down, what's going on? Are you okay? We're fine, sir.
Mercenoid down.
I think I've located the prisoner, up two floors, bay 12.
Buds, am I pleased to see you.
- Wait, are you - Are you? - Ow.
- Ow.
- You got a name? - Sure I do, stupid.
- Who doesn't have a name? - Ow.
Incidentally that's mine, that's mine, that's mine, that's mine, all this is mine.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
What about that bit? That's mine, too.
Ow! CAT: This is mine, that's mine, this is mine.
Basically, all of this is mine.
Even that bit.
- What about that bit? - Mine.
- And that? - Mine.
And that bit, all mine.
Look, we'll catch you guys later.
Hey, why don't we meet up later on the pretext of having dinner, but instead play the string game? I love the string game.
- Ow! - Ow! Ow.
Hey? You bring you, I'll bring the string.
- See you at 8:00.
- (CAT PURRS) If you'd like to follow me, ma'am, I'll show you to your quarters.
Ow! Ow! Whoa, Kryten.
What's the big emergency? Extremely disturbing news, sir.
According to the Mercenoid's black box, that cat we brought on Red Dwarf is not a felis sapien.
It's not a cat.
What is it, then? It's a Polymorph, sir.
A Polymorph that's shape shifted into a felis sapien? - Precisely.
- That's why the Mercenoid was flying into that black hole.
It was the only way he could ensure the Polymorph's death.
And we killed the Mercenoid, saved the Polymorph and brought it on board ship.
Our nomination for JMC crew of the year is starting to look unlikely.
Those damn space monkeys from the Omega 4 are gonna get it again.
And another thing, according to the black box, the Polymorph is carrying eggs.
Eggs that hatch? No, Kinder eggs.
Of course eggs that hatch.
Okay, when will they hatch? Soon after a mum has found a host body to deposit them in.
I don't know if I wanna know this but, um, explain.
Well, I found a genetic mutant documentary on RedNet.
I was about to watch it.
TV PRESENTER: Evening falls and the impregnated female Polymorph seduces a passing organism by appearing to be his mate and secretly deposits her eggs in the unlucky host's body.
- Where's the Cat? - What's the time? Oh, he's on his date with the Polymorph.
TV PRESENTER: Weeks later and the morphling burst into the world.
CAT: Seemed so wrong But now it seems so right What a lady, what a night (SCATTING) Did you sleep with her? What happened? Hey, I ain't kissing and telling.
I've had enough kissing for one night, let me tell ya.
You don't understand, we need to know.
All I'm saying is that she had some moves you'd never even seen.
- Like what? - Like when you're rolling around making out, then the next thing you know, her big pipe thing shoots out of her back, hovers above you like a crazy snake, then whooshes straight down your throat.
Whoo! Man, I was like (GAGS) Cat, women don't have a big pipe thing.
Not for you maybe.
But if you drive 'em crazy by blowing on their antennas What antennas? Boom, out it comes.
Then what happened? The usual, she just released her gushy tadpole stuff down her pipe.
Then afterwards, she said she'd never been with anyone who could hold so many eggs.
I don't know what the hell she meant, but I think it meant I did good.
See you in the morning, buds.
Oh, what a night Why'd it take so long to see the Just listen to me.
How do I break this to you? You're a moron! Oh, Rimmer.
Go easy on him.
Let me handle this.
Cat man, you're a moron! Sir, that wasn't a woman.
It wasn't a felis sapien, sir.
- It was a shape shifter.
- A what? It wasn't a cat, it wasn't a woman, you just had sex with a genetically engineered insectoid arachnid.
It still counts.
C'mon.
It counts.
Why doesn't it count? I'm counting it.
Let me tell you, she looked a hell of a lot better last night.
Its life cycle complete, it's died, as the female Polymorph often does after the exhaustive process of depositing her morphlings into a host body.
Depositing her what into what? Sir, we need to get you to the science room and give you a full medical.
Morphling? What's a morphling? - We'll tell you later.
- Eh? When you're securely strapped to a medi-bed.
Just to explain the ultrasound, sir, the probe sends a pulse through your skin and into your body, and the echo bounces back, which allows us to make sure that everything is Oh, my God.
Hey, what the hell's happening? We're just checking, sir.
How many are there? One, two, three, four.
What about them two? Five, six.
And those down there are seven, eight.
- We've gotta tell him.
- So tell him.
- Er, better coming from Kryten.
- Why me? Because you've got a better bedside manner when it comes to telling patients they're raddled with Polymorphs.
Hey, hey, what are you saying? Are you talking about me? Sir, I have some bad news.
You are pregnant with eight Polymorph eggs.
When they hatch, they will literally burst out of you using the nearest orifice available.
You mean rather than forming an orderly queue? What the hell we gonna do? First, I think it's essential that you eat something, sir.
You've got to have all your strength to fight against them.
They're currently depriving your body of many essential vitamins.
I can't eat at a time like this.
Sir, you must try.
I just want these things out of me.
Have you thought about a caesarean? - Okay.
- Are you sure? Yeah, but no croutons.
It's not a salad, you gimboid.
It's an operation where they laser open your abdomen.
I think it's your only chance of survival, sir.
Hey, there's no way (GROANS IN PAIN) Thank God I didn't have that cowardectomy.
We need to sedate him somehow.
Wise words, sir.
Well, at least that's bought us some time.
We just need to get cleaned up and do this.
Scalpel.
- Scalpel.
- Scalpel.
Has someone been playing around with the settings on this thing? Oh.
Right.
I'm going in.
Hang on, look at the scanner.
The morphlings are going crazy.
What are they turning into? Tumours.
They know we're trying to extract them early and they're fighting fire with fire.
We kill them, they kill him.
What do we do? We have to let them be born in the normal way.
Do you mean normal as in shooting out of every orifice simultaneously? It'll be a bit like me after a dodgy egg bhuna.
(CAT SCREAMING) (SCREAMING) KRYTEN: They're assuming the shapes of household objects and trying to blend in.
(CAT SCREAMING) (CAT CONTINUES SCREAMING) LISTER: Oh, we've got a wriggler.
(SCREAMS) (GROANING) LISTER: Oh, it's gonna be so hard flushing this lot into deep space.
They're so cute.
KRYTEN: Sir, it's their defence mechanism.
They're trying to avoid being flushed into space.
Look, there's a chinchilla with a pink hat and a hamster on a skateboard.
LISTER: Those Dalmatian puppies, look at them.
And like a hedgehog in a top hat, sitting inside a mini shopping trolley.
Aw.
Sirs, they are doing this on purpose to make us feel guilty.
You must remember what they're going to turn into when they reach maturity.
I mean, most things look adorable when they're first born, even velociraptors, even The Rolling Stones.
- So cute.
- Sir, they're evil genetic mutants.
I should flush 'em.
I got us into this mess, I should be the one to get us out of it.
Are you sure? I just wanna have a minute to say goodbye.
We'll be just round the corner, sir.
Oh, look at that one.
That one is cute.
Sir How long's he gonna be? He's gone! Oh, why didn't I anticipate this? He's been affected by the oxytocin hormone released by the morphlings.
- The what? - It's a hormone that the morphlings excrete to ensure their hosts look after them until they're strong enough to stand on their own six suckers.
- And then devour his emotions.
- Precisely.
We've gotta find him.
We have to narrow down the search somehow.
I've got an idea.
Turn off all the heat in the ship apart from in the diesel decks, - so it'll drive him down there.
- And then what? Track them down undetected.
They are Polymorphs, they feed off emotions, they will sense us.
Not if one of us has got no emotions as they've had them all removed.
Hey? Listy, if you have a personality tuck to remove your emotions, we're sorted.
That stupid tuck machine? Why me? Kryten's the only one who knows how to operate it, so it can't be him.
It can't be me obviously, that leaves you.
- Why can't it be you? - Don't interrupt.
Then after the tuck, you'll be able to walk amongst the morphlings undetected.
They feed on human emotions.
And if you've got no emotions, they won't know you're there.
And what will happen to my emotions? We'll just download your brain.
Kryten, have a five-megabyte memory stick on standby.
Will do, sir.
Oh, I'm not sure about this.
Ah, you're done.
Excellent.
I haven't started yet, sir.
Mr Lister? Sorry, I was miles away.
Are you ready, sir? Yeah, c'mon, let's do it.
(MACHINE BEEPS AND WHIRS) - Let's send him in, then get this done.
- Ah - What? - Well, according to the tracker, we are now completely surrounded by life forms.
Morphlings appear to have reached full maturation quicker than expected.
But what about the cat? Does that mean they've already scoffed all his emotions? Well, according to the tracker, there are nine life forms.
He's still alive, but barely.
Living in an emotionless semi-state, his mind almost totally blank.
No change there, then.
But with each Polymorph we eliminate, sir, part of the Cat's personality will return.
Hey, buds, I need a hand here.
I'm busted up really bad.
- How did you know that wasn't the Cat? - I didn't.
- So why did you shoot him? - Why not? Help me.
What's wrong with him? He's got no emotions, sir.
We've turned him into a dehumanised assassin.
- So what should we do? - May I suggest, sir, run mode.
Oh, oh, there you are, sir.
I fear Mr Lister may be a Polymorph.
That's how he was able to detect the other Polymorphs and kill them.
Why would he be killing them? Oh, they're known for killing each other, sir.
That way, there's more food for the victor.
We can't trust anyone.
So how can I trust you? Well, er, how can I trust you? And how can I trust either of you? How many are left? Mmm, make it six.
Six, yeah, that's right.
And he could be one of them.
- I'm not a Polymorph.
- Neither am I.
Nor me.
What do we do? Why am I asking you? Because I'm not a Polymorph, but you might be.
So might you.
Right, how about we go down to the science room and X-ray each other.
That way we can be sure.
Good idea.
ALL: After you, after you, after you This is a nightmare.
For crying out loud, isn't this hard enough already? Let's get to the science room and X-ray one another.
Hey, guys! They had me tied up, but I got away.
What's happening? There are six Polymorphs here and we don't know who's who.
Ah, I'm sure you'll work it out.
Catch you later.
Ow! KRYTEN: Let's get to the lift.
How did you know who was who? A mamma always knows her kids.
It's me.
Can I come in? I'm trying to sleep, bud.
Cat, I just wanted to talk to you about that thing that you're not.
I mean, I know you're not, you know you're not, we both know you're not.
- Because I'm not.
- Exactly.
But if you were, which you're not, it wouldn't mean that you were a loser, it wouldn't mean that you weren't cool.
It would just mean that you hadn't met the right girl yet.
- But I'm not.
- Exactly.
- So no need to have this talk.
- Exactly.
- So go away.
- I'm gone.
Man, is he annoying.
So damn patronising.
Don't he know a cat always has two homes? I tried to tell him, but he won't listen.
Hey, it's late.
We keep talking and there ain't gonna be much time for loving.
This is a dream, isn't it? But look on the bright side, you haven't woke up yet.
Let's go, pipe me! It's cold outside there's no kind of atmosphere I'm all alone, more or less Let me fly far away from here Fun, fun, fun In the sun, sun, sun I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose Drinking fresh mango juice Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes Fun, fun, fun In the sun, sun, sun Fun, fun, fun In the sun, sun, sun
- What's this? I salvaged it from the medistation, sir.
It's a personality tuck machine.
Mmm, so it can perform corrective surgery on your character? Exactly.
It scans the patient's brain and forms a personality map.
It's then able to enhance, remove, even sculpt the very traits that make that person who they are.
Hypothetically I'm speaking hypothetically here, do you think I could do with a little work? Take a seat, sir.
I'll cancel this week's schedule.
So, what can you do for me exactly? I'll begin by just working out the areas I think we might be able to improve.
Now here, here, here, here, here, definitely here.
Yes, all right, Kryten, get on with it, man.
Well, take your pomposity, large and unsightly.
Your self-importance, too, is massively engorged.
What's that huge area in the middle there? Well, that is your cowardice, sir.
Perhaps you'd like me to perform a cowardectomy? What? Reduce it to sort of wimp-o-plasty? Hey, what's happening, buds? I'm about to perform some personality surgery on Mr Rimmer.
He's getting a new personality? Great idea.
Not new, moulded, tightened, lifted, shaped.
This is gonna transform me.
I'm gonna be the lady-melting enormous bald stud muffin I've always dreamt of.
Now, Kryten, one thing.
This isn't gonna hurt, is it? There'll just be the slightest, - infinitesimally tiny little scratch.
- Scratch? - Well, when I insert the laser.
- Laser? - Well, it has to burn - Burn? Well, perhaps I should give you a hollow sedative, sir.
- With a needle? - Sir, please.
I'll talk you through every aspect of the procedure step by step.
Right now, I'm just in the Where, where's he gone? Out the door and left.
Oh, Einstein was wrong.
It is possible to break the speed of light.
(ALARM SOUNDING) What the Guys? Keep the noise down, I'm trying to sleep here.
Whoa! What's going on? We're way off course here.
Who's the joker in charge of navigation? You are, sir.
Seriously? Oh, man.
I think I might've dosed off.
Lister, we're 5,000 clicks off course.
All you had to do was engage autopilot.
Your watch, your fault.
You can't blame me for this.
What kind of lunch was that to give your pilot? Roast beef with all the trimmings, followed by seconds, followed by sticky toffee pudding, followed by seconds, followed by beer and coffee and cheese and brandy and port and cigars and that little chocolate mint.
What chance did I stand after a Sunday lunch like that? - How long have I been out? - It's Monday, sir.
Oh, man.
No way.
It's gonna take us forever to get back to Red Dwarf now.
Maybe we could take a short cut across that asteroid belt.
GELF country? If the stories are to be believed, the particular tribe of GELF that inhabit belt Juno 98 are the (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) Oh, sorry.
I just sat down on a screwdriver.
Why does nobody tidy up around here except me? Kryten, you were saying? I'm sorry, sir, yes, that particular tribe are the Nacky Ninckers.
Vampire GELFs to you and me.
Vampire GELFs? The story goes they feast on the blood of virgins.
Feast on the blood of virgins.
Who believes that? Taking her in.
Wait a minute, hang on here, slow the hell down.
- What's the problem? - I'm just curious.
How do they tell the virgins from the non-virgins? Well, according to the ancient myths, they can smell them.
Smell 'em? What the hell does a virgin smell of? Desperation, normally.
Actually, sir, the actual science is that the GELFs can smell the pheromone produced by fear.
Only the virgins are scared, so they're the only ones producing the fear pheromone.
- Thus no issue for us.
- Taking her in.
Hang on, hold up.
Can we discuss this for one stupid, lousy second? - Hang on a minute, are you - No.
- I suppose you must - No! - I never really - Don't even say it.
Okay.
Moving on.
Didn't mean to open up a can of worms here.
I've had my share, let me tell ya.
More than my share.
Plus, I've had full blown love affairs, too.
Well, yes, mirror in the bathroom, mirror in the hall I'd forgotten about those.
Don't you guys know that cats always have two homes? I got a lady cat back on Red Dwarf.
- Hell, I got two.
- On Zed deck.
- On Zed deck.
- On Zed deck.
Exactly.
That's where they are, on Zed deck.
But hiding from you guys, because they're only interested in me.
We will go the long way 'round.
And be quick about it, because I gotta get back to my lady cats on Zed deck.
I'm suddenly starting to miss 'em real bad.
(SOBBING) (MONITOR BEEPS) I'm picking up a ship.
The energy signature's barely registering.
The signal's weaker than the San Marino reserve team.
Posting, logging into their mainframe.
Don't bother, in this region of space, it could well be a GELF battle cruiser.
Maintain current course.
That gets my vote.
According to the hack, it's a transport ship, crew two, one Mercenoid, one prisoner.
A merce-what? A Mercenoid is a droid, sir, who has agreed to sacrifice his life in exchange for software updates in silicone heaven.
These Mercenoids are nuttier than a vegetarian breakfast.
That probably explains why the Mercenoid and his prisoner are on a death dive into the heart of a super-massive black hole.
So what now? We're gonna board that crate before it passes the event horizon.
Risk our necks for one prisoner? Rimmer, that prisoner might be human, we can't just abandon them.
Never say can't, Lister.
You put your mind to it, there's no limit to who you can abandon.
All right, Cat, take her in.
Rimmer, lend me your Dictaphone.
What, why? Because I've got an idea.
Right.
Come on, let's do this.
Good luck, keep in touch.
RIMMER: More ship Intel coming through via the hack.
They were transporting scientific equipment to a bio-station on Orta 15.
Something doesn't smell right.
The ship's log's been deleted and the black box has also been wiped clean.
I'm not getting any pictures from your head cam.
There must be some kind of signal block in place.
How about now? Yes, getting pictures now.
What did you do? Oh, I just recalibrated the fluctuation drive band signal.
- Impressive.
- Thanks.
You're not gonna like this, but I'm picking up something in the movement tracker.
Life signs, organic and part organic, in corridor Beta 12.
Where exactly in Beta 12? RIMMER: At the south entrance.
That's where we are.
Then you should be able to see them, they're there right on top of you.
They may be in the ceiling or under the floor.
Run! Go back, get out of there! Move! Now! Forwards! Not that way, the other way! No, the other way.
Lister, move! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Could these life signs Could they, by any chance, be us? Ah, yes, of course.
Organic and part organic.
Yes, it's you.
They should warn you about that in the instruction manual.
Someone could come along and make a right idiot of himself.
Ah, it does mention it.
It's this bit here in big red capitals.
So easy to miss.
I'm picking up EM emissions.
This way, sirs.
MERCENOID: I know you are here, humies.
If you want to live, you must leave.
He's right.
I think we should go.
- Sir - You haven't seen him.
Okay.
I wanna talk about your prisoner.
I wanna do a trade.
- No trade.
- Let's talk.
No talk.
Now, take my advice and go.
Leave.
LISTER: Who's your prisoner and what have they done? That is my business, not yours.
LISTER: You can trust us, you really can.
RIMMER: You will achieve all your dreams.
Size doesn't matter.
You are very handsome.
(GROWLS) And women think you're extremely attractive.
Actually, that's not really true, so drop your weapon and turn round slowly.
(LISTER SIGHS) (MERCENOID GROANS) Head count down, what's going on? Are you okay? We're fine, sir.
Mercenoid down.
I think I've located the prisoner, up two floors, bay 12.
Buds, am I pleased to see you.
- Wait, are you - Are you? - Ow.
- Ow.
- You got a name? - Sure I do, stupid.
- Who doesn't have a name? - Ow.
Incidentally that's mine, that's mine, that's mine, that's mine, all this is mine.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
What about that bit? That's mine, too.
Ow! CAT: This is mine, that's mine, this is mine.
Basically, all of this is mine.
Even that bit.
- What about that bit? - Mine.
- And that? - Mine.
And that bit, all mine.
Look, we'll catch you guys later.
Hey, why don't we meet up later on the pretext of having dinner, but instead play the string game? I love the string game.
- Ow! - Ow! Ow.
Hey? You bring you, I'll bring the string.
- See you at 8:00.
- (CAT PURRS) If you'd like to follow me, ma'am, I'll show you to your quarters.
Ow! Ow! Whoa, Kryten.
What's the big emergency? Extremely disturbing news, sir.
According to the Mercenoid's black box, that cat we brought on Red Dwarf is not a felis sapien.
It's not a cat.
What is it, then? It's a Polymorph, sir.
A Polymorph that's shape shifted into a felis sapien? - Precisely.
- That's why the Mercenoid was flying into that black hole.
It was the only way he could ensure the Polymorph's death.
And we killed the Mercenoid, saved the Polymorph and brought it on board ship.
Our nomination for JMC crew of the year is starting to look unlikely.
Those damn space monkeys from the Omega 4 are gonna get it again.
And another thing, according to the black box, the Polymorph is carrying eggs.
Eggs that hatch? No, Kinder eggs.
Of course eggs that hatch.
Okay, when will they hatch? Soon after a mum has found a host body to deposit them in.
I don't know if I wanna know this but, um, explain.
Well, I found a genetic mutant documentary on RedNet.
I was about to watch it.
TV PRESENTER: Evening falls and the impregnated female Polymorph seduces a passing organism by appearing to be his mate and secretly deposits her eggs in the unlucky host's body.
- Where's the Cat? - What's the time? Oh, he's on his date with the Polymorph.
TV PRESENTER: Weeks later and the morphling burst into the world.
CAT: Seemed so wrong But now it seems so right What a lady, what a night (SCATTING) Did you sleep with her? What happened? Hey, I ain't kissing and telling.
I've had enough kissing for one night, let me tell ya.
You don't understand, we need to know.
All I'm saying is that she had some moves you'd never even seen.
- Like what? - Like when you're rolling around making out, then the next thing you know, her big pipe thing shoots out of her back, hovers above you like a crazy snake, then whooshes straight down your throat.
Whoo! Man, I was like (GAGS) Cat, women don't have a big pipe thing.
Not for you maybe.
But if you drive 'em crazy by blowing on their antennas What antennas? Boom, out it comes.
Then what happened? The usual, she just released her gushy tadpole stuff down her pipe.
Then afterwards, she said she'd never been with anyone who could hold so many eggs.
I don't know what the hell she meant, but I think it meant I did good.
See you in the morning, buds.
Oh, what a night Why'd it take so long to see the Just listen to me.
How do I break this to you? You're a moron! Oh, Rimmer.
Go easy on him.
Let me handle this.
Cat man, you're a moron! Sir, that wasn't a woman.
It wasn't a felis sapien, sir.
- It was a shape shifter.
- A what? It wasn't a cat, it wasn't a woman, you just had sex with a genetically engineered insectoid arachnid.
It still counts.
C'mon.
It counts.
Why doesn't it count? I'm counting it.
Let me tell you, she looked a hell of a lot better last night.
Its life cycle complete, it's died, as the female Polymorph often does after the exhaustive process of depositing her morphlings into a host body.
Depositing her what into what? Sir, we need to get you to the science room and give you a full medical.
Morphling? What's a morphling? - We'll tell you later.
- Eh? When you're securely strapped to a medi-bed.
Just to explain the ultrasound, sir, the probe sends a pulse through your skin and into your body, and the echo bounces back, which allows us to make sure that everything is Oh, my God.
Hey, what the hell's happening? We're just checking, sir.
How many are there? One, two, three, four.
What about them two? Five, six.
And those down there are seven, eight.
- We've gotta tell him.
- So tell him.
- Er, better coming from Kryten.
- Why me? Because you've got a better bedside manner when it comes to telling patients they're raddled with Polymorphs.
Hey, hey, what are you saying? Are you talking about me? Sir, I have some bad news.
You are pregnant with eight Polymorph eggs.
When they hatch, they will literally burst out of you using the nearest orifice available.
You mean rather than forming an orderly queue? What the hell we gonna do? First, I think it's essential that you eat something, sir.
You've got to have all your strength to fight against them.
They're currently depriving your body of many essential vitamins.
I can't eat at a time like this.
Sir, you must try.
I just want these things out of me.
Have you thought about a caesarean? - Okay.
- Are you sure? Yeah, but no croutons.
It's not a salad, you gimboid.
It's an operation where they laser open your abdomen.
I think it's your only chance of survival, sir.
Hey, there's no way (GROANS IN PAIN) Thank God I didn't have that cowardectomy.
We need to sedate him somehow.
Wise words, sir.
Well, at least that's bought us some time.
We just need to get cleaned up and do this.
Scalpel.
- Scalpel.
- Scalpel.
Has someone been playing around with the settings on this thing? Oh.
Right.
I'm going in.
Hang on, look at the scanner.
The morphlings are going crazy.
What are they turning into? Tumours.
They know we're trying to extract them early and they're fighting fire with fire.
We kill them, they kill him.
What do we do? We have to let them be born in the normal way.
Do you mean normal as in shooting out of every orifice simultaneously? It'll be a bit like me after a dodgy egg bhuna.
(CAT SCREAMING) (SCREAMING) KRYTEN: They're assuming the shapes of household objects and trying to blend in.
(CAT SCREAMING) (CAT CONTINUES SCREAMING) LISTER: Oh, we've got a wriggler.
(SCREAMS) (GROANING) LISTER: Oh, it's gonna be so hard flushing this lot into deep space.
They're so cute.
KRYTEN: Sir, it's their defence mechanism.
They're trying to avoid being flushed into space.
Look, there's a chinchilla with a pink hat and a hamster on a skateboard.
LISTER: Those Dalmatian puppies, look at them.
And like a hedgehog in a top hat, sitting inside a mini shopping trolley.
Aw.
Sirs, they are doing this on purpose to make us feel guilty.
You must remember what they're going to turn into when they reach maturity.
I mean, most things look adorable when they're first born, even velociraptors, even The Rolling Stones.
- So cute.
- Sir, they're evil genetic mutants.
I should flush 'em.
I got us into this mess, I should be the one to get us out of it.
Are you sure? I just wanna have a minute to say goodbye.
We'll be just round the corner, sir.
Oh, look at that one.
That one is cute.
Sir How long's he gonna be? He's gone! Oh, why didn't I anticipate this? He's been affected by the oxytocin hormone released by the morphlings.
- The what? - It's a hormone that the morphlings excrete to ensure their hosts look after them until they're strong enough to stand on their own six suckers.
- And then devour his emotions.
- Precisely.
We've gotta find him.
We have to narrow down the search somehow.
I've got an idea.
Turn off all the heat in the ship apart from in the diesel decks, - so it'll drive him down there.
- And then what? Track them down undetected.
They are Polymorphs, they feed off emotions, they will sense us.
Not if one of us has got no emotions as they've had them all removed.
Hey? Listy, if you have a personality tuck to remove your emotions, we're sorted.
That stupid tuck machine? Why me? Kryten's the only one who knows how to operate it, so it can't be him.
It can't be me obviously, that leaves you.
- Why can't it be you? - Don't interrupt.
Then after the tuck, you'll be able to walk amongst the morphlings undetected.
They feed on human emotions.
And if you've got no emotions, they won't know you're there.
And what will happen to my emotions? We'll just download your brain.
Kryten, have a five-megabyte memory stick on standby.
Will do, sir.
Oh, I'm not sure about this.
Ah, you're done.
Excellent.
I haven't started yet, sir.
Mr Lister? Sorry, I was miles away.
Are you ready, sir? Yeah, c'mon, let's do it.
(MACHINE BEEPS AND WHIRS) - Let's send him in, then get this done.
- Ah - What? - Well, according to the tracker, we are now completely surrounded by life forms.
Morphlings appear to have reached full maturation quicker than expected.
But what about the cat? Does that mean they've already scoffed all his emotions? Well, according to the tracker, there are nine life forms.
He's still alive, but barely.
Living in an emotionless semi-state, his mind almost totally blank.
No change there, then.
But with each Polymorph we eliminate, sir, part of the Cat's personality will return.
Hey, buds, I need a hand here.
I'm busted up really bad.
- How did you know that wasn't the Cat? - I didn't.
- So why did you shoot him? - Why not? Help me.
What's wrong with him? He's got no emotions, sir.
We've turned him into a dehumanised assassin.
- So what should we do? - May I suggest, sir, run mode.
Oh, oh, there you are, sir.
I fear Mr Lister may be a Polymorph.
That's how he was able to detect the other Polymorphs and kill them.
Why would he be killing them? Oh, they're known for killing each other, sir.
That way, there's more food for the victor.
We can't trust anyone.
So how can I trust you? Well, er, how can I trust you? And how can I trust either of you? How many are left? Mmm, make it six.
Six, yeah, that's right.
And he could be one of them.
- I'm not a Polymorph.
- Neither am I.
Nor me.
What do we do? Why am I asking you? Because I'm not a Polymorph, but you might be.
So might you.
Right, how about we go down to the science room and X-ray each other.
That way we can be sure.
Good idea.
ALL: After you, after you, after you This is a nightmare.
For crying out loud, isn't this hard enough already? Let's get to the science room and X-ray one another.
Hey, guys! They had me tied up, but I got away.
What's happening? There are six Polymorphs here and we don't know who's who.
Ah, I'm sure you'll work it out.
Catch you later.
Ow! KRYTEN: Let's get to the lift.
How did you know who was who? A mamma always knows her kids.
It's me.
Can I come in? I'm trying to sleep, bud.
Cat, I just wanted to talk to you about that thing that you're not.
I mean, I know you're not, you know you're not, we both know you're not.
- Because I'm not.
- Exactly.
But if you were, which you're not, it wouldn't mean that you were a loser, it wouldn't mean that you weren't cool.
It would just mean that you hadn't met the right girl yet.
- But I'm not.
- Exactly.
- So no need to have this talk.
- Exactly.
- So go away.
- I'm gone.
Man, is he annoying.
So damn patronising.
Don't he know a cat always has two homes? I tried to tell him, but he won't listen.
Hey, it's late.
We keep talking and there ain't gonna be much time for loving.
This is a dream, isn't it? But look on the bright side, you haven't woke up yet.
Let's go, pipe me! It's cold outside there's no kind of atmosphere I'm all alone, more or less Let me fly far away from here Fun, fun, fun In the sun, sun, sun I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose Drinking fresh mango juice Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes Fun, fun, fun In the sun, sun, sun Fun, fun, fun In the sun, sun, sun