Top Gear (2002) s11e06 Episode Script
Sumo
Tonight, Richard spins off the track twice.
Jay Kay tries to get to number one and Germany or Britain, which is best? (Cheering and applause) Thank you.
Hello.
Hello and welcome.
Thanks very much.
Now Now, after our our recent trip to Japan, where I raced the Bullet train, I stayed on for an extra day so I could drive the incredible Nissan GT-R around the track.
Now, James, on the other hand, he decided to stay on for a little while because he wanted to drive a car which he claimed would be a lot more relevant to the average British motorist than a jumped-up L50,000 Datsun.
(James) Now, I'm fairly confident you won't have seen one of these before.
Are you ready? It's called the 0rochi and its looks are based on a fish, a snake and Pamela Anderson's mouth.
(Japanese man yells) I rather like it.
It costs L44,000 and it's made by a company called Mitsuoka.
You've probably never heard of them, either, but they are a proper Japanese car-maker.
In fact, they're the tenth biggest car-maker in the country after Toyota, Nissan, Honda and six others.
Mitsuoka makes the chassis, the body and the interior all by itself.
But the engine, a 3.
3 liter V6, comes from Toyota.
So, it looks like a sports car but is it any good as one? Well, it isn't very fast, it doesn't make much noise and the ride is surprisingly comfortable.
By which I mean the ride is actually rather excellent for a supercar.
So, obviously, I think it suits me rather well.
Although Hammond and Clarkson might like to continue shopping around.
But Mitsuoka makes another car which, on paper, is even more up my street.
Here it is, and it's called the Galue.
That foremost social commentator, Alan Partridge, once said that Lexus is Japan's Mercedes-Benz.
In which case, the Mitsuoka Galue could be - but this is only a hunch Japan's Rolls-Royce.
But at a nice, un-Rolls-Royce-ish price, because it costs an agreeable L32,000.
But looking like a Rolls-Royce is one thing - feeling like a Rolls-Royce is something completely different.
So, to find out whether it does or not, the producers have arranged for me to do a spot of VIP chauffeuring.
Not him.
Them.
Yes, the local sumo wrestler and his manager, who need taking to a tournament.
Konichiwa.
That's exhausted my Japanese.
Right.
Back to the Japanese Rolls-Royce.
Inside the Galue, Mitsuoka has re-created the ambience of a proper, old-school British luxury car.
So there's some wood.
Ish.
There's plush leather seats.
But look at this.
This clock is exactly roughly like the one on the new Rolls-Royce Phantom.
It's like one of those fake expensive watches you get in Thailand - only a real expert can tell the difference.
I am a Rolls-Royce expert and I was completely taken in.
Actually, I didn't mean that.
What I meant to say was it's an utterly shameless rip-off and I can't believe they're getting away with it.
So, what about the performance from the 3.
5 liter V6? Is that the genuine article? A Rolls-Royce must be able to whoosh away from a standstill.
It can go quite quickly but it must never feel urgent.
It must swell very gently.
It must be an orchestral sort of performance.
Which that isn't.
Sorry.
Next, handling.
A Rolls-Royce should never allow its driver to corner too vigorously because that would be bad form.
It must encourage you to rein things back.
Clearly, it's not quite right in that respect.
I'm very sorry.
Very sorry.
I cracked on with the job of delivering my VIPs.
Happy? Very close to the destination.
(Speak Japanese) What? Was that it? Oh.
I think they were completely fooled.
As some of you may have found out last week, I've got an old Rolls.
And let me tell you, the Galue isn't even on the same planet.
But you know what? This car does make me smile.
It's not taking itself too seriously.
It's just a bit of fun.
It's a bit like one of those tribute bands - Bjà rn Again, Letz Zep, the Strolling Bones.
Like those bands, it knows it's not the real thing.
But more importantly, it knows you know it's not the real thing.
And anyway, at the end of the evening you're still just as drunk and you've still had a great time, but it only cost you a fiver.
Is that car going to be sold in the UK? - No.
- Good.
Richard.
Yes, now, KTM are an Austrian bike manufacturer.
They make things like this, the Duke, and it's great.
But now they've decided to have a go at a car, and here it is.
It's called the Crossbow.
Now, the body is made up of plastic panels, just like it is on the bike.
You can see all the innards, like you can on the bike.
And you have to wear a crash helmet to drive it, like you do on the bike.
It really is a stripped-out track car.
All you get is a seat, a steering wheel and a two-liter turbo-charged Audi engine that's enough to take it to 60 miles an hour in under four seconds.
Apparently, KTM say it is quite a handful.
And as a result, they won't sell it to drivers under 24 years old.
Just one thing.
Lewis Hamilton.
He's 23.
(Laughter) Now, the thing about that is it costs L43,000, which seems like a hell of a lot for a motorcycle with two extra wheels.
- No, it isn't.
- Well, it is.
It isn't.
You could drive that thing through What's it called? Oxbow? You could drive that through a light shower and you could come out on the other side without all your internal organs being transplanted into someone else.
You don't get bikes, do you? You two have to live in fear and dread that you're gonna go through the pearly gates with your ripped leathers on, knowing full well that I'm back on earth as a car driver with your liver.
(Laughter) Don't think I'm gonna do anything useful with it, cos I'm gonna make it into a hat.
I actually carry a card that says, "I do not wish to help Jeremy Clarkson be amusing" - (Laughter) - "in the event of my death.
" Fair enough.
Yes, now, every year the Scouts make a series of awards which are relevant to them.
I've got the list here.
They're very prestigious.
They've just announced this year's winners.
Previous winners include Charley Boorman and Ewan McGregor.
They won Best Navigation award.
Jamie Oliver won the Healthy Eating award.
Yeah, now, Ray Mears, it has to be said, has not won the award for Services of Wearing Shorts When You're a Grown Man.
(Laughter) However, their award this year for Services to Instruction has gone to the Stig.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
(Cheering) However, there's a problem.
A really big problem.
They came down earlier to give him his badge - and he attacked them.
- (Laughter) We've actually got some footage of it here.
Seriously.
- Look.
- (Laughter) Look, he's trying to stamp on his badge.
He hates it.
And they took him down.
They actually took the Stig down.
Two Scouts.
Awkward, that.
- It turns out he's terrified of Scouts.
- Yeah.
We think, erm, he might have been a Girl Guide.
(Laughter) Hey, now.
Bad news.
This week, James popped round to see me, OK? Down my local pub.
Parked his motorcycle outside.
- Not illegally, was it? - No, very considerately, actually.
That's right, it was illegally parked but not inconsiderate.
Exactly.
Fined L120.
Both of us, in the not-too-distant past, have had televisions stolen.
So, how come they've got the manpower to fine your slightly illegally parked motorcycle when they say that they can't find our televisions? I don't understand it.
I rang up the woman on the parking ticket enquiry hotline and I said to her, "Have you found my television?" - She had no idea what I was talking about.
- (Laughter) I think that if you've had something stolen in your life How many people here have had something stolen? The lawnmower Right, nearly everybody.
It should be illegal for the police to do you for a trivial motoring offense until they've returned whatever it is you had stolen.
- Does anybody here think - Yeah, I do.
(Cheering) - That's a good idea.
- Seriously If you're watching this, Mr.
Brown, that's 100% of British people agree with me.
- Hey, great news.
- What? I've been sent more information on the Dacia Sandero.
Excellent.
I've got a question I want to ask.
What if this turns out to be really good? - It won't.
- But what if it does? Well, it won't, will it? It's the new Chevy Camaro and they've really thought about it.
It looks brilliant, obviously.
It's got a 6.
2 liter V8 and they've given it independent suspension all round.
Wow! (Laughter) - Independent? - Yeah! So they looked at the car and thought, "It's got four separate wheels.
"What if we treated them all sort of separately?" Yeah, like they've been doing in Europe for 100 years.
I still think, what if that Look at that.
turns out to be good? And it could.
We don't know yet.
The Americans are good at herding bison.
The end.
(Laughter) I still maintain it might be good and then we'll all want one.
What is this underneath? Underneath, this is a Vauxhall VXR, isn't it? Which is actually a Holden.
So, the Americans have gone (American accent) "We need some sophistication here.
- "We'll call the Australians.
" - (Laughter) That is like saying, "I want some style for my wedding.
I'll get seven crates of lager.
" (Laughter) You're the sort of person, I could show you a picture of Paris Hilton and you'd say, "What if she turns out to be intelligent?" - (Laughter) - Well, what if she did? What if she did? Right, that's enough news.
So now Mazda.
Over the years, they've built up a fearsome reputation for making very sensible small cars and the worst television commercials in all of human history.
This, however, is their latest creation.
Plainly, they wanted to give it a name which conjured up an image of aggression and anger but, unfortunately, the job of naming it was given to someone from Birmingham, so it's ended up being called (Birmingham accent) the Furai.
(Laughter) The chassis is from an American Le Mans racer, which is the same as a European Le Mans racer, only fatter.
Body - that was clearly designed by someone with a Batman fixation.
Er I think it looks absolutely brilliant, actually, although, if you take it to a film premiere it'll probably take a swing at its sister.
Allegedly, that is, of course.
The engine - Wankel, 1.
9 liter, And, annoyingly broken.
Which means we can't put it round our test track.
So, instead, I'm going to answer a question that literally a viewer has asked.
I have their letter here.
It says, "Dear so-called Top Gear, "I'm aware that there are many elegant and dramatic supercars that I could buy.
" Well, yeah.
Things like these.
"But as I am the victim of a botched eye operation, "what I want is a supercar that is catastrophically ugly.
Can you help?" Yes.
I think I can.
This could be the answer to your problems.
It's a new supercar from Germany.
And, well, it's not exactly a looker.
Let me put it this way.
When Jeremy did the Alfa 8C the camera crew found there wasn't a single angle that didn't make the car look brilliant.
This is the exact opposite.
No.
No.
Really no.
And then there's the problem of the name.
Does it have one of those sexy ones, like all the sexiest cars have? You know, Vanquish, Viper, Raptor.
No.
It's called a Gumpert.
So, it's got looks only a mother could love and a name like a northern comedian.
And for the privilege of driving it, you'll need L250,000.
This does beg the question, what do you get for your money? Certainly, you're not buying a wondrous Zonda-esque interior.
It's just a random collection of bits from Audi.
Maybe, then, it has some amazing options.
Well, yes.
But don't go looking for night-vision or a bathroom.
And this, the rear-view camera, doesn't count.
That's a necessity.
There's no back window.
Options on the Gumpert are things like this - the traction control.
Now, lots of cars have traction control but the Gumpert's is really quite anorak-y.
It's not a button, it's a knob.
You can adjust it so you can be precise.
So, Hammerhead coming up.
I know this corner.
17%, I think.
Yeah, that that But worry not.
If that doesn't work out, there are a whole load of other things you can adjust.
You can change the camber, the ride height, the spring tension, the damper bump and rebound and the anti-roll bar.
Oh, yeah.
There you are, Monte Carlo, Claudia Schiffer in your supercar.
"Please can we go to the party now?" "Oh, now, love, hold on.
" Lot of corners.
I'm gonna dial in some extra camber.
With the camber adjusted, I went for a You see, I think some of those settings are not an option.
Just leave them alone.
I've had this experience with one of my bikes.
All you ever do is make things worse.
There is one option this car doesn't have.
And it's one I quite like.
The option to move your seat backwards and forward.
And that's because the Gumpert people got fed up with drivers moving their seat around and messing up their perfect weight distribution.
So, minging looks, seats you can't move and gizmos only Lewis Hamilton could make sense of.
I think you're getting the picture by now that this is no Riviera cruiser.
Their fastest version, the Apollo Race, has 800 brake horsepower.
But if you've just passed your driving test, they do do what they call an entry-level version - This is the mid-range.
I suppose they'd call it the Popular Plus.
And this is where it all starts to come good, because whichever Gumpert you choose it's going to be fast.
Ye gods! This is just something else.
The engine is Audi's 4.
2 liter V8 but with added twin turbos, all wrapped up in featherweight carbon fiber.
Naught to 60, three seconds.
Top speed 224mph.
So let's see how much of that we can get on our modest runway.
That's 200kph.
That's 120mph.
That's 280kph, which is very fast.
I'm gonna start braking, I think.
That's 186mph in 1.
7 miles.
And when you get to a corner, just as long as you've not been fiddling with anything, it is brilliant.
The grip.
My eyes are a foot that side of my head.
Suddenly, you realize why this thing looks like a boil on the buttock of a baboon.
It's got downforce.
That's what all those holes and fins and grilles are for.
If you want a supercar you can park with pride in Monte Carlo's Casino Square, this probably isn't for you.
There are many other cars that will do that job much better.
But the Gumpert guys, in their little German factory, have gone down another path - Hardcore Street.
And I do believe that on this track, old Quasimodo here could destroy every supercar alive.
(Cheering and applause) Now, you Are you really suggesting this is gonna be quicker round the track than sort of lots of the really fast cars? It is unbelievably quick.
But I'll tell you the amazing thing about this car.
You know I said it generates downforce to stick it to the road? Well, Gumpert say it generates so much that it could drive upside-down and still stick to the roof of the tunnel.
Oh, you haven't fallen for that old chestnut? Every Formula 1 team says, "You can dive our cars upside-down.
" The only reason they say that is cos they know we can't prove them wrong.
Yeah.
But Gumpert are going to prove it.
They've built an engine that will work upside-down, specially.
- And the tunnel? - They've found a tunnel they can do it in.
OK, so how fast do you have to drive to generate enough downforce, or upforce, to stick it? Right, so they're gonna get someone to drive at 190mph down the roof of a tunnel, swerving between all the signposts and fans and lights? Well, look, you see, that's the thing.
They've found the tunnel to do it in but they haven't yet found anyone stupid enough to drive it.
Well, this is the last show.
No, I can't.
No.
I'm - No, I can't.
I'm busy.
- Why not? I'm busy.
I'm painting my horse.
I just can't do it.
Anyway, we must now find out how fast it goes round our track, which we must put it in the hands of our tame racing driver.
Some say it's impossible for him to wear socks.
And he can open a beer bottle with his testes.
All we know is he's called the Stig.
And he's off.
Not a scorching start.
Stig just carefully metering out the power, of which there is a lot, of course.
Up to the first corner.
Hopefully, he's going to be going fast enough to get that downforce working.
And that is neat.
I've got high hopes for this.
Really, I have.
(# Elton John: Daniel) Daniel is traveling tonight on a plane Yeah.
Stig still, apparently, touched by Elton John.
Maybe he actually enjoys it.
That is fantastically controlled through Chicago.
Hammerhead now.
Slower corner.
Could be in trouble if the fancy aerodynamics can't do their stuff there.
Not a bit of it, though.
It's so undramatic and that could be this car's secret.
Daniel, you're a star Right, the Follow-through.
Really pin it open now.
Will he have to lift? Not likelyl You can almost see it being pressed into the Tarmac.
It's so flat through the corners, like a racing car.
Up to Gambon.
Finally biting back but Stig's on it.
And across the line.
Hang on a minute.
Hang on.
Wait.
If you're right, it's gonna be up with the Zonda, the Koenigsegg, the Ascari.
Yep, stuff at the top.
Ascari did it in 1:17.
3.
So the Gumpert did it in 1:17 point one! It is the fastest thing ever! (Cheering, whistling) - It beat the Ascari? - Yeah.
Fastest ever round our track.
That really is incredible cos that is the first car Hammond has driven round our circuit - or driven on our circuit, I should say - this year, isn't it? And it's gone to the top of the leader board.
Which he can't reach.
No, no, I can, I can.
I just need a bit of a run-up.
This is going to be undignified.
Yeah, that's not worked.
It's on.
It's on.
There you go.
OK, that's one erm That's one lap-record smashed.
Quite literally.
Now let's see if we can't deal with another one.
Now, this is a list of all the stars who've driven our reasonably priced car, and Simon Cowell has now been at the top for the last two series, OK? Which we think is long enough.
So what we've done is we went back and looked at all the people who drove our old reasonably priced car, found the biggest petrol head and invited him back.
Ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome Jay Kay! (Cheering, whistling) Thank you very much, thank you very much.
How are you? Have a seat.
(Laughing) Thank you.
Wahey! Wahey! You have been nagging to do this.
There hasn't been a week go by How long is it since you were here? I was here on the first series.
I think I was the second guy.
- You were the second guest ever.
- Second guest ever.
There hasn't been a week, really - I think I'm honest - gone by since then to now when you haven't been on the phone going, "Can I come back?" Yeah, I did I have to say, I did feel I felt left out, I felt lonely.
I sat in my kitchen, watching it, thinking, "When will I come back?" You were always on the phone.
"When will I beat the man with the codpiece?" - Oh, Simon.
- Codpiece Cowell.
I've just remembered something.
What was it you said to the researcher when we said, "Can you come back"? I said, "I'm down here for war.
" - He did.
- "I'm down here for war.
" - It actually was - I'm not here to muck about.
I'm not here to be 13th.
I'm not here to beat James Blunt.
- I'm here to be on the top there.
- So, first, or nothing else will do? I'm not here to beat James Blunt's album sales, either.
No, cos how many have you sold in total? 25 - 25 million or something.
- 25 million and you can't read music.
- Thank you, everybody, as well.
- (Laughter) That is a lot of albums.
Er, now I won't bother going through the list of everything you've got, cos the program's only an hour long.
But how many cars have you got? Oh there are 37 vehicles.
That's including motorbikes.
And staff cars - cos of the people who work for me.
- Staff - Staff cars, yes! - Staff cars! Obergruppenführer They don't have little flags and swastikas on! Or two wheels at the front and a half-track at the back.
Since you were last here, what have been the main changes? Let's What's The main stuff is that I've got into Porsches, for some unknown reason.
I bought, not so long ago, about three or four years I bought an RS Touring, which is the factory sun-roof, rear seat 911, you know, Carrera down the side, wider arches, 2.
7 engine.
Then I got a 911 GT3 RS, the reason being because I thought, "This car is gonna be a future classic.
" - A present, a 997? - A 997 GT3 RS, yeah.
I've then, subsequently, gone and got myself a 911 RS Lightweight.
No, cos I don't I mean, I still genuinely don't get the appeal of 911s.
Right.
- Have you driven a modern-day Turbo? - Not for a while.
But I've driven the RS.
But you know what I mean.
Or even a GT3 RS.
I drive that and think, "Well, actually, this is a nice car.
I don't like it but it's a nice car.
" Then I got into a GT2 the other day, the new GT2.
Yeah, the turbo.
Yeah.
It's absolutely hideously horrid.
What don't you like about it? Well, it's cos it does everything you expect a 911 to do.
You get that bounce.
You know what I mean by that front-end bounce? - Yeah.
- And that understeer.
And if you do anything about the understeer, they switch immediately to death-dealing oversteer.
Could it be that you're not driving it properly? (Laughter) - I turned the steering wheel - Could that be it? I mean, that Lightweight you've got, that RS - Air-cooled stuff, yeah.
- Yeah, the air-cooled one.
is one day going to kill you.
It's sitting in your garage now, plotting how it's going to do it.
Has anyone here got a 911? - See? They've all been killed.
- (Laughter) They were on their way and they're all now in a tree like that.
- It's Honestly, I just don't get them.
- Brilliant.
- Erm, there are a number of other things.
- Yeah.
He's got a Mercedes Grosser.
Mine was owned by Coco Chanel.
- It was actually owned by Coco Chanel? - Yeah.
Mine was owned by the Egyptian ambassador.
Yeah.
Yeah.
When I get in it I just cover myself in Number 5.
And you've got a CSL BMW now, which was - Tell us about the GQ Awards.
- Oh, that Yes.
Another thing we've got in common.
We've both won awards from style You got Worst Dressed Man.
I got Style Man of the Year.
(Laughing) Mind you, that Look, dear, I like them.
- Get off, get off.
- So that people at the back - There's nothing wrong with them! - Style of the year.
(Laughter) - They're nice.
- It's not nice, it's hideous! Just because Alpinestars don't make you shoes No, cos I go to a shoe shop and say, "Have you got a pair of shoes?" "Have you got a pair of shoes for a hippo?" Right, now, listen.
We've talked about cars long enough.
Which is great, talking to you, cos we do genuinely share the same Passions.
We like the same motors.
We do like the same motors.
It is.
And you - We do have the same sort of cars.
- Yeah.
- Right, the lap.
- Yeah.
Now, honestly, when you came last time, old Stig.
So, what's new Stig like, now he's regenerated? Well, I've been out with a new Stig who is sort of in the master class, isn't he? - I've just been out in that C63.
- He is an extremely good Extraordinarily good driver.
He's quicker than Lewis Hamilton and Nigel Mansell and Mark Webber.
The funny thing is, when you're talking to him We'd gone outside, had a bit of dinner and chatting away, I said, "What are you gonna have? "Are you gonna have the ribs and the coleslaw?" And you suddenly find you're talking to this guy with this screen.
And then what happens, he lifts it up for a bit of air and then you start doing that, trying to look underneath at who it is.
And then he goes and shuts it again.
He's just filtering out the carbon dioxide.
He runs on pure nitrogen.
- Anyway, he coached you? - He did.
He did.
You had your nine laps.
There's no point this week saying, "Where do you think you've come?" He did.
Oh Cos you want to be here, don't you? I don't I don't What can I say but, "Yes! Yes! Yes!" - More than the next Grammy? - Yes! D'you know I mean, d'you know D'you know People stop me in the street and go, "When are you back on Top Gear? "When are you gonna beat Simon Cowell?" Don't give a (Bleep) about the music.
- Well, let's get on with it, then! - No, no.
Simon Cowell - Aaagggghhhhh! - (Laughter) That's what Simon Cowell's doing at home now.
"No!" - Who wants to see his lap? - Oh, God! - (All) Yes! - Roll the tape.
All right.
Nice start.
This is the one.
I must beat Mr.
Codpiece.
(Laughter) You see - (Jay Kay) 0h, it's scrubbingl - Scrubbing a bit but not too much.
(Growls) Why are we angry? Cos it's a gutless piece of American (Bleep) and I hate it! Come on, let's start shaving little, tiny little bits of Gordon Ramsay Parmesan cheese off this (Bleep).
(Jeremy) As Gordon Ramsay is third, of course.
- Turn in, you pillockl - No, you're in, you're in.
- Just - Come on, come onl (Jeremy) I'd have done that tighter round there, personally.
Come on, come on, come on.
You really are a gutless bit of Yankee (Bleep).
Honestly.
(Laughter) You're cutting that corner.
We allow that because it's slipperier there.
Aggghh! There's a man determined.
- That - Go on, get in therel That is about as good as I've ever seen anyone do the second-to-last corner.
- Through Gambon.
- Come onl Come onl (Cheering) Oh, no! No! I can't take it! D'you know, I was sitting there yesterday, I thought, "Top Gear tomorrow.
" I'm watching The Right Stuff, which I really enjoy.
"Sod it.
Get to bed.
And make sure you're fresh as a daisy for this.
" - What, you had an early night? - I had an early night, yeah.
- So that you'd be capable of doing that.
- So I'd be capable of doing this.
- Well, what I've got here - Oh This is the piece of paper just been given to me by the producer - with all your nine laps.
- It just isn't important, this, is it? I mean, there are more important things going on in the world.
This is not important.
- Right - But it is important.
- So, your fastest lap of the nine - Oh, Christ.
What is it there? - What was he? 1:40 - 1:45.
9.
- 1:45.
9.
- Come on.
Surely it's Your fastest lap I hate this.
I watch other people I'm not supposed to be doing this! - I'm supposed to watch other people - 40 Oh 6.
2 - Agghhh! - (Groaning) (Bleep) was your second was your second fastest lap.
(Audience) Ohh! (Bleep) - You don't know - (Bleep) - (Whistling) - (Bleep) Ahh - All I wanna do - 1:46.
2 was your second fastest.
- Please let me pull out a fat - You did another 1:46.
2.
- A 1:48.
2, too.
- Yeah, that was when I Yeah, but that was when I'd got the wrong gear.
- 1:47, 1:48.
- Oh.
And then, on lap eight That will be your quickest.
Well, you've got 1:45.
9 to beat.
I can't 5 - Yeah.
point 8.
- (Wild cheering) (Whistling) Come on! Come on! Come on! - Fantastic.
- Well done.
Brilliant.
Ladies and gentlemen, Jay Kay, the new number one! Thank you! - Fantastic.
- Beautiful.
Thank you.
Ah! It was a 1:45.
81.
You can take that home if you want, and frame it.
- Cheers.
- (Man) Who's the daddy? - Who's the daddy now? - Not Simon Cowell! (Laughter) So, we're back in the autumn and the first guest, I'm guessing, will be - Simon Cowell! Simon Cowell.
- (Laughter) - Brilliant.
Ladies and gentlemen, it has been a huge pleasure.
New number one.
- Jay Kay! - Thank you very much.
Now there's a new TV show in Germany.
It's all about cars and it's hosted by three people.
I can't imagine where they got that idea from.
- (Laughter) - No idea.
Anyway, they got in touch with us and they invited us to take them on in a series of races and challenges.
Now, obviously, we needed somewhere to stage this.
Yes, I suggested we did it in the skies over southern England.
- (Laughter) - In fact, we settled on Belgium, which was a country invented so that Britain and Germany would have somewhere to sort out their differences.
Yeah.
And on that point, the producers told us, "Now, listen, you're representing the BBC.
"You can't just turn up and go on about the war.
" (Jeremy) The meet was set for 9am at Belgium's second-best-known racetrack, Zolda.
And at precisely nine o'clock our German rivals arrived in their impressive German cars.
(Speaking German) In fact, we were not late.
We were simply arriving in style.
Come on, Biggles.
Come on, Algy.
(Clipped accent) We're on our own, we're playing for time and it's running out.
- Think we might have overdone this.
- Oh, it could be worse.
We could have come in the back of Bobby Charlton.
- Jeremy! Hi.
- How are you? Good to see you.
How are you? But to be honest, we were a bit nervous.
Sure, they had a jolly man in a suit.
He's called Carston von Ryssen and he has no racing experience at all.
But then they also had Tim Schrick, a touring-car driver.
And Sabine Schmitz, the Nürburgring specialist.
And they were up against us lot.
The first challenge had been dreamed up by the Germans.
It's called double-decker racing and the idea is very simple - the car on the bottom has a throttle, brakes and gears but no steering wheel, because that's fitted to the car on the top.
Now, because there are only three presenters on each side and you need eight people to operate the four cars, each team is allowed to get someone from their film crew to help out.
And that's a problem for the Germans because, while they have a sound recordist, a cameraman and a director, he is the same man.
So their coverage of this race is gonna look like this.
Mind you, it's not that brilliant for us, cos although we have a very large film crew er there was only one volunteer to sit above me.
And, if I'm honest, it's not the one I would have picked.
Still, he is very brave.
He once fought a shark.
He lost.
But anyway We do six laps.
- And we have six white stripes.
- OK.
If you finish the first one, you take one off.
- James.
- Yeah? - Will you promise to use the throttle? - Yes.
And not just the brake.
It's a bit odd, not having a steering wheel.
These Metros had quite good steering, so this is a good way round to do it.
- It doesn't make any difference, you idiot.
- No, the steering's done by the Metro.
I know, but you're steering the Jag.
The good thing here is they've got Golfs on the roof.
Now, Golfs are heavy.
Metros are made out of snakeskin.
Right here we go.
Yes! Oh, hang on, Jamie! We've got an early lead! Yeah! We're already at the back! (Jeremy) Jesus, that's going to roll over if we're not careful.
At the end of lap one the German system was working well.
Whereas, in the Metro squadron No! No! What are you doing? Left! Left! Left! Not (James) Left! Smooth! (Jeremy) Right! Right! Then there was a complete communication breakdown.
Oh! (Yells) - Whaa! - Whoa! Left! Left! The Germans were now first and second.
It's a disaster! And then there was another one.
My wingmen went mad.
Take 'em on the inside.
Whoa! No! No! No! No! No! No! - What the hell have you done that for? - What d'you mean? - That was your fault! - How could it be my fault? You're on the bloody steering! James and Richard think it's all over.
And they're right.
- It's your fault.
- Rubbish.
You steered into the gravel.
It's designed to stop Formula 1 cars.
How the hell did you think a Jaguar with a Metro on its roof? (James) This was our darkest hour.
We're being annihilated! With us out, all we could hope was that Jeremy and Kiff the soundman would race on, cleanly and fairly.
Ram him! Ram! Go, Kiff! Yes, they've gone wrong! Kiff, we've got 'em! Tim Schrick was not just off, he was out.
Now it was just us versus Sabine and the man in a suit.
Help yourself, Kiff.
There's no fighter escort.
Up the inside! Baff! Yes! Go, Kiff! They've gone down! Oh! (Yells) Good, Carston! That's perfect! Keen to defend his country and his job on Top Gear, Kiff made a bold move.
That's given them something to think about.
It also gave us something to think about.
(Kiff) Jeremy! Jeremy! My arm's come off! - What? - My arm's come off! Nobody's ever said that in a car race before! We were now on the last lap.
Go up the inside, Kiff! Go on! Ooh, they're nearly in the gravel! No! No! No! No! This is quite difficult now, Jeremy.
What? Oh, no, it's the finish! No! No! No! I've let Britain down! Oh, no! Hopefully, though, we could redeem ourselves in the next challenge.
Who makes the fastest cars? The Axis powers or the Allies? - You came up with one, didn't you? - Yes.
You haven't thought it through, have you? I did.
It's brilliantly simple.
It's just a drag race.
Let's meet the contenders.
On their side, from Germany, the highly modified Porsche 9FF.
From Italy, the Lamborghini Murciélago.
That's the LP640 version.
From Japan, the Mitsubishi Evo X.
That's the FQ-360.
Yes, that's theirs.
And now ours.
Our side.
From England, and driven by Wing Commander Bunny Hammond, is the Ariel Atom, the supercharged version.
And then from America - I was thinking of you here, Corporal - is the Callaway Corvette, also supercharged.
And, like I was saying, you haven't thought it through.
- Well - Let me guess, James.
New Zealand makes a V16 rocket car - that somehow we don't know about.
- They don't.
(James) However, India was on our side.
So, whilst I waited for one of their cars to turn up, I sent the others off to neuter the 250mph Porsche.
And they decided it would have trouble putting its 1,000 horsepower down off the line.
So, what we need is a really short race.
If the race is quarter of a mile, this is still going to be sitting here spinning its wheels.
Right, you're gonna love this.
There are rules and regulations - you like that sort of thing - concerning a drag race, - and they are always a quarter of a mile.
- No, no, no, no.
- No, it is.
That's - We drive kilometer.
- At least one kilometer.
- Why don't we If you say a quarter of a mile, everybody knows what that is because it's the standard measure.
- "Half-kilometer burger, please.
" No! - It's a quarter-pounder.
And you have a quarter-mile drag race.
- It's the British way.
- Let's do it.
(Jeremy) With the 9FF hopefully out of it, my attention turned to the Lamborghini.
(Revving) What I'm hoping, praying, is that being Italian, it changes sides halfway down.
As we got ready, James's Indian car finally turned up.
Supercharged.
Supercharged.
Charged.
James, don't forget to turn your traction control off, mate.
Cock.
I've just remembered the Australians.
They do that VXR thing.
Lofty Hammond got a lightning start.
This is unbelievable acceleration! The Atom and the Atom would clearly win, but who'd come second? - Come on! - Come on.
The Lambo's got me! But could I hold off that monstrous Porsche? Yesl Yeah! That is ours! That is ours! (Jeremy) Ha-ha! Ha-ha! - So - Yeah.
how do you feel now? So we were first Let's just say that again.
Just make it clear.
- First - First - First.
- First.
- Third.
- First.
- And last.
- Well, you say "last" Sixth.
There's a symmetry to that.
We have first and last.
The two most significant places in a drag race are owned by us.
We own the whole territory now.
You won the double-deckers.
We've got some points back.
(James) The drag race marked the end of the team challenges.
From now on, it would be one on one.
Now, for this event, Germany will be represented by Ring Mistress, racing driver, Sabine Schmitz.
We will be represented by that.
Anyway, the cars.
Each team must bring something small, reasonably priced and from their own country, so we've come up with this.
It's a Mini Cooper S.
Sabine, what have you got? - I've got that car.
- What? The Golf? No.
The Mini Cooper, of course.
- Weren't you listening? - It's German.
- From your own country.
- It's not German.
- It's German.
- You can't get more British than a Mini.
- That is It's - Alec Issigonis.
How much more of a British name is there than Issigonis? Apart from Patel.
- Put a Union Jack on the roof.
- British, British.
OK, so we're in the same cars.
We'll just let them do it.
(Richard) So, the International Small Car Challenge.
And it goes like this.
Slalom through the Ming vases.
Steering is so easy! Whaaa! Reverse into the garage of priceless crockery.
Then take a J-turn penalty which, amazingly - Scheisse! the German missed.
Next, drive a figure of eight while a member of the other team shoots at you from a paintball tank.
With one point off for each hit, escape the arena through a tunnel we shall call Dick.
Yay! But then it was Jeremy's turn.
Good luck.
Here we go! So far, not one hit.
That's the ticket.
Oh (Bleep).
(Jeremy) Still, things could only get better.
Whoa! I've scored myself! I only had the figure of eight to redeem myself.
Come on, handbrake! Fire! - Fire! - Awful lot of bullets hitting me here.
And no wonder.
- James, what are you doing? - Shooting at Jeremy.
- But he's on our side! - Yeah, but why wouldn't you? You're right.
You would.
Fire! Go on, through Dick! Yes.
Even that went wrong.
So I was trailing on points.
But I could win some back in the final part of the challenge, a head-to-head, one-lap race round the Zolda circuit.
The winner would be the first one to get their towel on the sunbed.
From a date of destiny She's ahead by what she'd call a meter.
Whoo! She's braking early.
How am I gonna do that? I dived down the inside.
I'm in the lead! I'm not in the lead! (Jeremy) The TV idiot was trying everything to get past.
Come on, Jeremy! This really was a proper race.
I'm not talking.
This matters.
- (Richard) Let him get something right! - (Yelling) Oh, no, no! They've got to get to the beds.
There's no possibility in this environment of beating a German.
- That was feeble, sorry.
- And then you didn't - Were you shooting at me in that tank? - He was, yeah.
He did that.
(Richard) After that debacle we were trailing by nine points.
But I was handling the next challenge and it was to be a shoot-out in my kind of car - the incredible Bowler Nemesis.
naught to 60 six seconds.
Top speed 130 miles an hour.
But, as always with a Bowler, it can do that anywhere on anything.
And better still, my opponent would be the accountant.
- Have you driven a Bowler before? - No.
Good.
Good.
Well, erm, they're terrifying.
- Does he not do any racing? - No.
Never.
- He hasn't got a car.
- No.
He has a license.
That's it.
One driver dislodged his lung when he went too fast.
Yeah.
But you'll be fine.
You'll enjoy it.
Good luck.
It would be a five-lap race over a track that was 60% Tarmac and, thanks to James, 60% gravel.
(Revving) We are off! Come on, mighty Bowler.
But once we hit the dirt, he wouldn't see me for dust.
Yes! More like it! Meanwhile, back at base (James) Sit down, Co-lo-nel.
You're not interested in these, are you? D'you know what? Your mind cannot comprehend of how uninterested I am in things like this.
(Jeremy) Back on track, Hammond couldn't shake the man in a suit off his tail.
He was clearly a (German accent) vurzy adversary.
Keep your foot in, Hammond.
Be brave.
A point Hammond proved moments later.
(Laughs) If you don't get that going, Hammond, for us ze competition iss ofer.
That didn't go well then.
(Richard) This was a race we had to win.
But the VAT man had a big lead.
Oh, this I'm gonna get grief for this now.
This is not good.
Cooler.
Eight veeks.
Where's the track gone? Oh.
- Is he gaining? - He's gaining.
I decided to take him on the outside.
I could have him here.
Yes! Ha-ha! - Well done, then.
- Thank you.
(Jeremy) You know what a bad loser is? Well, Hammond is what's called a bad winner.
Yes! Oh, God.
What do you think of that? Well done.
Congratulate me, then.
I've won.
Did you notice I was first? (Jeremy) After Hammond's modest win, we were trailing by just four points as we went into the last event.
It's a two-lap race of the Zolda circuit.
And it's between a Porsche 911, a racing Porsche 911, which will be driven by professional racing driver, Tim Schrick.
And he will be against an Aston Martin DBRS9, which will be driven by James May.
Do we have to use James? Well, no, you did the Bowler thing, I did the Mini thing.
It's his turn.
But he's gonna lose badly.
(Jeremy) Happily, though, I'd come up with a plan.
- D'you know what I mean? - Clever.
Very clever.
- That's James.
- Yeah.
He's coming for the race.
- He always - He lost 30 kilos in five minutes.
Yeah, he always dresses like this when he drives a racing - James, best of luck, mate.
- James, good luck, mate.
- And his hair.
Who cut his hair? - He wears a hair net.
(Protesting) Don't disturb him when he's focused and in the zone, ready for a race.
He's ice cool.
- This could work.
- Could do.
There's every chance.
(Jeremy) It would be a rolling start.
And because we were four points behind, 'James", who's now warming his tires, look, had to set off four seconds after the Porsche.
The race was on.
- Go, S James! - Go, St James! The simple fact of the matter is this - our young man had to shoot down their young man at the rate of two seconds a lap.
If he does full throttle on the straight, I'm sure it's not Captain Slow.
- Ah, no, on the - You know, we ga That's his nickname.
It's like, you know, we call him Lofty.
It's the opposite.
Towards the end of the first lap, 'James" had closed the gap to just one second.
'James" was driving brilliantly, but then disaster.
He locked up.
He lost ground and then he had the work to do all over again.
Happily, 'James" is no quitter and with half a lap to go he was right back under the Porsche's wing.
With just two corners to go, he made his move.
- I don't wanna see! - I can hear them.
I can hear them both.
Which car would appear first? Which one? The Asto-o-o-on! Stig James! (Cheering and whistling) James.
Some say you saved our bacon.
Others say I was bound and gagged in the locker room.
(Laughter) And on that bombshell, that bouncing bombshell, it's now time to end.
If you are a German and you have any complaints about the film you've just seen, do please feel free to write to us.
- Our address is 1966 - (Laughter) El Alamein Square, London WE1.
(Laughter) Again.
So we'll see you in the autumn.
Thanks so much for watching.
- Take care.
Good night! - (Cheering and applause)
Jay Kay tries to get to number one and Germany or Britain, which is best? (Cheering and applause) Thank you.
Hello.
Hello and welcome.
Thanks very much.
Now Now, after our our recent trip to Japan, where I raced the Bullet train, I stayed on for an extra day so I could drive the incredible Nissan GT-R around the track.
Now, James, on the other hand, he decided to stay on for a little while because he wanted to drive a car which he claimed would be a lot more relevant to the average British motorist than a jumped-up L50,000 Datsun.
(James) Now, I'm fairly confident you won't have seen one of these before.
Are you ready? It's called the 0rochi and its looks are based on a fish, a snake and Pamela Anderson's mouth.
(Japanese man yells) I rather like it.
It costs L44,000 and it's made by a company called Mitsuoka.
You've probably never heard of them, either, but they are a proper Japanese car-maker.
In fact, they're the tenth biggest car-maker in the country after Toyota, Nissan, Honda and six others.
Mitsuoka makes the chassis, the body and the interior all by itself.
But the engine, a 3.
3 liter V6, comes from Toyota.
So, it looks like a sports car but is it any good as one? Well, it isn't very fast, it doesn't make much noise and the ride is surprisingly comfortable.
By which I mean the ride is actually rather excellent for a supercar.
So, obviously, I think it suits me rather well.
Although Hammond and Clarkson might like to continue shopping around.
But Mitsuoka makes another car which, on paper, is even more up my street.
Here it is, and it's called the Galue.
That foremost social commentator, Alan Partridge, once said that Lexus is Japan's Mercedes-Benz.
In which case, the Mitsuoka Galue could be - but this is only a hunch Japan's Rolls-Royce.
But at a nice, un-Rolls-Royce-ish price, because it costs an agreeable L32,000.
But looking like a Rolls-Royce is one thing - feeling like a Rolls-Royce is something completely different.
So, to find out whether it does or not, the producers have arranged for me to do a spot of VIP chauffeuring.
Not him.
Them.
Yes, the local sumo wrestler and his manager, who need taking to a tournament.
Konichiwa.
That's exhausted my Japanese.
Right.
Back to the Japanese Rolls-Royce.
Inside the Galue, Mitsuoka has re-created the ambience of a proper, old-school British luxury car.
So there's some wood.
Ish.
There's plush leather seats.
But look at this.
This clock is exactly roughly like the one on the new Rolls-Royce Phantom.
It's like one of those fake expensive watches you get in Thailand - only a real expert can tell the difference.
I am a Rolls-Royce expert and I was completely taken in.
Actually, I didn't mean that.
What I meant to say was it's an utterly shameless rip-off and I can't believe they're getting away with it.
So, what about the performance from the 3.
5 liter V6? Is that the genuine article? A Rolls-Royce must be able to whoosh away from a standstill.
It can go quite quickly but it must never feel urgent.
It must swell very gently.
It must be an orchestral sort of performance.
Which that isn't.
Sorry.
Next, handling.
A Rolls-Royce should never allow its driver to corner too vigorously because that would be bad form.
It must encourage you to rein things back.
Clearly, it's not quite right in that respect.
I'm very sorry.
Very sorry.
I cracked on with the job of delivering my VIPs.
Happy? Very close to the destination.
(Speak Japanese) What? Was that it? Oh.
I think they were completely fooled.
As some of you may have found out last week, I've got an old Rolls.
And let me tell you, the Galue isn't even on the same planet.
But you know what? This car does make me smile.
It's not taking itself too seriously.
It's just a bit of fun.
It's a bit like one of those tribute bands - Bjà rn Again, Letz Zep, the Strolling Bones.
Like those bands, it knows it's not the real thing.
But more importantly, it knows you know it's not the real thing.
And anyway, at the end of the evening you're still just as drunk and you've still had a great time, but it only cost you a fiver.
Is that car going to be sold in the UK? - No.
- Good.
Richard.
Yes, now, KTM are an Austrian bike manufacturer.
They make things like this, the Duke, and it's great.
But now they've decided to have a go at a car, and here it is.
It's called the Crossbow.
Now, the body is made up of plastic panels, just like it is on the bike.
You can see all the innards, like you can on the bike.
And you have to wear a crash helmet to drive it, like you do on the bike.
It really is a stripped-out track car.
All you get is a seat, a steering wheel and a two-liter turbo-charged Audi engine that's enough to take it to 60 miles an hour in under four seconds.
Apparently, KTM say it is quite a handful.
And as a result, they won't sell it to drivers under 24 years old.
Just one thing.
Lewis Hamilton.
He's 23.
(Laughter) Now, the thing about that is it costs L43,000, which seems like a hell of a lot for a motorcycle with two extra wheels.
- No, it isn't.
- Well, it is.
It isn't.
You could drive that thing through What's it called? Oxbow? You could drive that through a light shower and you could come out on the other side without all your internal organs being transplanted into someone else.
You don't get bikes, do you? You two have to live in fear and dread that you're gonna go through the pearly gates with your ripped leathers on, knowing full well that I'm back on earth as a car driver with your liver.
(Laughter) Don't think I'm gonna do anything useful with it, cos I'm gonna make it into a hat.
I actually carry a card that says, "I do not wish to help Jeremy Clarkson be amusing" - (Laughter) - "in the event of my death.
" Fair enough.
Yes, now, every year the Scouts make a series of awards which are relevant to them.
I've got the list here.
They're very prestigious.
They've just announced this year's winners.
Previous winners include Charley Boorman and Ewan McGregor.
They won Best Navigation award.
Jamie Oliver won the Healthy Eating award.
Yeah, now, Ray Mears, it has to be said, has not won the award for Services of Wearing Shorts When You're a Grown Man.
(Laughter) However, their award this year for Services to Instruction has gone to the Stig.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
(Cheering) However, there's a problem.
A really big problem.
They came down earlier to give him his badge - and he attacked them.
- (Laughter) We've actually got some footage of it here.
Seriously.
- Look.
- (Laughter) Look, he's trying to stamp on his badge.
He hates it.
And they took him down.
They actually took the Stig down.
Two Scouts.
Awkward, that.
- It turns out he's terrified of Scouts.
- Yeah.
We think, erm, he might have been a Girl Guide.
(Laughter) Hey, now.
Bad news.
This week, James popped round to see me, OK? Down my local pub.
Parked his motorcycle outside.
- Not illegally, was it? - No, very considerately, actually.
That's right, it was illegally parked but not inconsiderate.
Exactly.
Fined L120.
Both of us, in the not-too-distant past, have had televisions stolen.
So, how come they've got the manpower to fine your slightly illegally parked motorcycle when they say that they can't find our televisions? I don't understand it.
I rang up the woman on the parking ticket enquiry hotline and I said to her, "Have you found my television?" - She had no idea what I was talking about.
- (Laughter) I think that if you've had something stolen in your life How many people here have had something stolen? The lawnmower Right, nearly everybody.
It should be illegal for the police to do you for a trivial motoring offense until they've returned whatever it is you had stolen.
- Does anybody here think - Yeah, I do.
(Cheering) - That's a good idea.
- Seriously If you're watching this, Mr.
Brown, that's 100% of British people agree with me.
- Hey, great news.
- What? I've been sent more information on the Dacia Sandero.
Excellent.
I've got a question I want to ask.
What if this turns out to be really good? - It won't.
- But what if it does? Well, it won't, will it? It's the new Chevy Camaro and they've really thought about it.
It looks brilliant, obviously.
It's got a 6.
2 liter V8 and they've given it independent suspension all round.
Wow! (Laughter) - Independent? - Yeah! So they looked at the car and thought, "It's got four separate wheels.
"What if we treated them all sort of separately?" Yeah, like they've been doing in Europe for 100 years.
I still think, what if that Look at that.
turns out to be good? And it could.
We don't know yet.
The Americans are good at herding bison.
The end.
(Laughter) I still maintain it might be good and then we'll all want one.
What is this underneath? Underneath, this is a Vauxhall VXR, isn't it? Which is actually a Holden.
So, the Americans have gone (American accent) "We need some sophistication here.
- "We'll call the Australians.
" - (Laughter) That is like saying, "I want some style for my wedding.
I'll get seven crates of lager.
" (Laughter) You're the sort of person, I could show you a picture of Paris Hilton and you'd say, "What if she turns out to be intelligent?" - (Laughter) - Well, what if she did? What if she did? Right, that's enough news.
So now Mazda.
Over the years, they've built up a fearsome reputation for making very sensible small cars and the worst television commercials in all of human history.
This, however, is their latest creation.
Plainly, they wanted to give it a name which conjured up an image of aggression and anger but, unfortunately, the job of naming it was given to someone from Birmingham, so it's ended up being called (Birmingham accent) the Furai.
(Laughter) The chassis is from an American Le Mans racer, which is the same as a European Le Mans racer, only fatter.
Body - that was clearly designed by someone with a Batman fixation.
Er I think it looks absolutely brilliant, actually, although, if you take it to a film premiere it'll probably take a swing at its sister.
Allegedly, that is, of course.
The engine - Wankel, 1.
9 liter, And, annoyingly broken.
Which means we can't put it round our test track.
So, instead, I'm going to answer a question that literally a viewer has asked.
I have their letter here.
It says, "Dear so-called Top Gear, "I'm aware that there are many elegant and dramatic supercars that I could buy.
" Well, yeah.
Things like these.
"But as I am the victim of a botched eye operation, "what I want is a supercar that is catastrophically ugly.
Can you help?" Yes.
I think I can.
This could be the answer to your problems.
It's a new supercar from Germany.
And, well, it's not exactly a looker.
Let me put it this way.
When Jeremy did the Alfa 8C the camera crew found there wasn't a single angle that didn't make the car look brilliant.
This is the exact opposite.
No.
No.
Really no.
And then there's the problem of the name.
Does it have one of those sexy ones, like all the sexiest cars have? You know, Vanquish, Viper, Raptor.
No.
It's called a Gumpert.
So, it's got looks only a mother could love and a name like a northern comedian.
And for the privilege of driving it, you'll need L250,000.
This does beg the question, what do you get for your money? Certainly, you're not buying a wondrous Zonda-esque interior.
It's just a random collection of bits from Audi.
Maybe, then, it has some amazing options.
Well, yes.
But don't go looking for night-vision or a bathroom.
And this, the rear-view camera, doesn't count.
That's a necessity.
There's no back window.
Options on the Gumpert are things like this - the traction control.
Now, lots of cars have traction control but the Gumpert's is really quite anorak-y.
It's not a button, it's a knob.
You can adjust it so you can be precise.
So, Hammerhead coming up.
I know this corner.
17%, I think.
Yeah, that that But worry not.
If that doesn't work out, there are a whole load of other things you can adjust.
You can change the camber, the ride height, the spring tension, the damper bump and rebound and the anti-roll bar.
Oh, yeah.
There you are, Monte Carlo, Claudia Schiffer in your supercar.
"Please can we go to the party now?" "Oh, now, love, hold on.
" Lot of corners.
I'm gonna dial in some extra camber.
With the camber adjusted, I went for a You see, I think some of those settings are not an option.
Just leave them alone.
I've had this experience with one of my bikes.
All you ever do is make things worse.
There is one option this car doesn't have.
And it's one I quite like.
The option to move your seat backwards and forward.
And that's because the Gumpert people got fed up with drivers moving their seat around and messing up their perfect weight distribution.
So, minging looks, seats you can't move and gizmos only Lewis Hamilton could make sense of.
I think you're getting the picture by now that this is no Riviera cruiser.
Their fastest version, the Apollo Race, has 800 brake horsepower.
But if you've just passed your driving test, they do do what they call an entry-level version - This is the mid-range.
I suppose they'd call it the Popular Plus.
And this is where it all starts to come good, because whichever Gumpert you choose it's going to be fast.
Ye gods! This is just something else.
The engine is Audi's 4.
2 liter V8 but with added twin turbos, all wrapped up in featherweight carbon fiber.
Naught to 60, three seconds.
Top speed 224mph.
So let's see how much of that we can get on our modest runway.
That's 200kph.
That's 120mph.
That's 280kph, which is very fast.
I'm gonna start braking, I think.
That's 186mph in 1.
7 miles.
And when you get to a corner, just as long as you've not been fiddling with anything, it is brilliant.
The grip.
My eyes are a foot that side of my head.
Suddenly, you realize why this thing looks like a boil on the buttock of a baboon.
It's got downforce.
That's what all those holes and fins and grilles are for.
If you want a supercar you can park with pride in Monte Carlo's Casino Square, this probably isn't for you.
There are many other cars that will do that job much better.
But the Gumpert guys, in their little German factory, have gone down another path - Hardcore Street.
And I do believe that on this track, old Quasimodo here could destroy every supercar alive.
(Cheering and applause) Now, you Are you really suggesting this is gonna be quicker round the track than sort of lots of the really fast cars? It is unbelievably quick.
But I'll tell you the amazing thing about this car.
You know I said it generates downforce to stick it to the road? Well, Gumpert say it generates so much that it could drive upside-down and still stick to the roof of the tunnel.
Oh, you haven't fallen for that old chestnut? Every Formula 1 team says, "You can dive our cars upside-down.
" The only reason they say that is cos they know we can't prove them wrong.
Yeah.
But Gumpert are going to prove it.
They've built an engine that will work upside-down, specially.
- And the tunnel? - They've found a tunnel they can do it in.
OK, so how fast do you have to drive to generate enough downforce, or upforce, to stick it? Right, so they're gonna get someone to drive at 190mph down the roof of a tunnel, swerving between all the signposts and fans and lights? Well, look, you see, that's the thing.
They've found the tunnel to do it in but they haven't yet found anyone stupid enough to drive it.
Well, this is the last show.
No, I can't.
No.
I'm - No, I can't.
I'm busy.
- Why not? I'm busy.
I'm painting my horse.
I just can't do it.
Anyway, we must now find out how fast it goes round our track, which we must put it in the hands of our tame racing driver.
Some say it's impossible for him to wear socks.
And he can open a beer bottle with his testes.
All we know is he's called the Stig.
And he's off.
Not a scorching start.
Stig just carefully metering out the power, of which there is a lot, of course.
Up to the first corner.
Hopefully, he's going to be going fast enough to get that downforce working.
And that is neat.
I've got high hopes for this.
Really, I have.
(# Elton John: Daniel) Daniel is traveling tonight on a plane Yeah.
Stig still, apparently, touched by Elton John.
Maybe he actually enjoys it.
That is fantastically controlled through Chicago.
Hammerhead now.
Slower corner.
Could be in trouble if the fancy aerodynamics can't do their stuff there.
Not a bit of it, though.
It's so undramatic and that could be this car's secret.
Daniel, you're a star Right, the Follow-through.
Really pin it open now.
Will he have to lift? Not likelyl You can almost see it being pressed into the Tarmac.
It's so flat through the corners, like a racing car.
Up to Gambon.
Finally biting back but Stig's on it.
And across the line.
Hang on a minute.
Hang on.
Wait.
If you're right, it's gonna be up with the Zonda, the Koenigsegg, the Ascari.
Yep, stuff at the top.
Ascari did it in 1:17.
3.
So the Gumpert did it in 1:17 point one! It is the fastest thing ever! (Cheering, whistling) - It beat the Ascari? - Yeah.
Fastest ever round our track.
That really is incredible cos that is the first car Hammond has driven round our circuit - or driven on our circuit, I should say - this year, isn't it? And it's gone to the top of the leader board.
Which he can't reach.
No, no, I can, I can.
I just need a bit of a run-up.
This is going to be undignified.
Yeah, that's not worked.
It's on.
It's on.
There you go.
OK, that's one erm That's one lap-record smashed.
Quite literally.
Now let's see if we can't deal with another one.
Now, this is a list of all the stars who've driven our reasonably priced car, and Simon Cowell has now been at the top for the last two series, OK? Which we think is long enough.
So what we've done is we went back and looked at all the people who drove our old reasonably priced car, found the biggest petrol head and invited him back.
Ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome Jay Kay! (Cheering, whistling) Thank you very much, thank you very much.
How are you? Have a seat.
(Laughing) Thank you.
Wahey! Wahey! You have been nagging to do this.
There hasn't been a week go by How long is it since you were here? I was here on the first series.
I think I was the second guy.
- You were the second guest ever.
- Second guest ever.
There hasn't been a week, really - I think I'm honest - gone by since then to now when you haven't been on the phone going, "Can I come back?" Yeah, I did I have to say, I did feel I felt left out, I felt lonely.
I sat in my kitchen, watching it, thinking, "When will I come back?" You were always on the phone.
"When will I beat the man with the codpiece?" - Oh, Simon.
- Codpiece Cowell.
I've just remembered something.
What was it you said to the researcher when we said, "Can you come back"? I said, "I'm down here for war.
" - He did.
- "I'm down here for war.
" - It actually was - I'm not here to muck about.
I'm not here to be 13th.
I'm not here to beat James Blunt.
- I'm here to be on the top there.
- So, first, or nothing else will do? I'm not here to beat James Blunt's album sales, either.
No, cos how many have you sold in total? 25 - 25 million or something.
- 25 million and you can't read music.
- Thank you, everybody, as well.
- (Laughter) That is a lot of albums.
Er, now I won't bother going through the list of everything you've got, cos the program's only an hour long.
But how many cars have you got? Oh there are 37 vehicles.
That's including motorbikes.
And staff cars - cos of the people who work for me.
- Staff - Staff cars, yes! - Staff cars! Obergruppenführer They don't have little flags and swastikas on! Or two wheels at the front and a half-track at the back.
Since you were last here, what have been the main changes? Let's What's The main stuff is that I've got into Porsches, for some unknown reason.
I bought, not so long ago, about three or four years I bought an RS Touring, which is the factory sun-roof, rear seat 911, you know, Carrera down the side, wider arches, 2.
7 engine.
Then I got a 911 GT3 RS, the reason being because I thought, "This car is gonna be a future classic.
" - A present, a 997? - A 997 GT3 RS, yeah.
I've then, subsequently, gone and got myself a 911 RS Lightweight.
No, cos I don't I mean, I still genuinely don't get the appeal of 911s.
Right.
- Have you driven a modern-day Turbo? - Not for a while.
But I've driven the RS.
But you know what I mean.
Or even a GT3 RS.
I drive that and think, "Well, actually, this is a nice car.
I don't like it but it's a nice car.
" Then I got into a GT2 the other day, the new GT2.
Yeah, the turbo.
Yeah.
It's absolutely hideously horrid.
What don't you like about it? Well, it's cos it does everything you expect a 911 to do.
You get that bounce.
You know what I mean by that front-end bounce? - Yeah.
- And that understeer.
And if you do anything about the understeer, they switch immediately to death-dealing oversteer.
Could it be that you're not driving it properly? (Laughter) - I turned the steering wheel - Could that be it? I mean, that Lightweight you've got, that RS - Air-cooled stuff, yeah.
- Yeah, the air-cooled one.
is one day going to kill you.
It's sitting in your garage now, plotting how it's going to do it.
Has anyone here got a 911? - See? They've all been killed.
- (Laughter) They were on their way and they're all now in a tree like that.
- It's Honestly, I just don't get them.
- Brilliant.
- Erm, there are a number of other things.
- Yeah.
He's got a Mercedes Grosser.
Mine was owned by Coco Chanel.
- It was actually owned by Coco Chanel? - Yeah.
Mine was owned by the Egyptian ambassador.
Yeah.
Yeah.
When I get in it I just cover myself in Number 5.
And you've got a CSL BMW now, which was - Tell us about the GQ Awards.
- Oh, that Yes.
Another thing we've got in common.
We've both won awards from style You got Worst Dressed Man.
I got Style Man of the Year.
(Laughing) Mind you, that Look, dear, I like them.
- Get off, get off.
- So that people at the back - There's nothing wrong with them! - Style of the year.
(Laughter) - They're nice.
- It's not nice, it's hideous! Just because Alpinestars don't make you shoes No, cos I go to a shoe shop and say, "Have you got a pair of shoes?" "Have you got a pair of shoes for a hippo?" Right, now, listen.
We've talked about cars long enough.
Which is great, talking to you, cos we do genuinely share the same Passions.
We like the same motors.
We do like the same motors.
It is.
And you - We do have the same sort of cars.
- Yeah.
- Right, the lap.
- Yeah.
Now, honestly, when you came last time, old Stig.
So, what's new Stig like, now he's regenerated? Well, I've been out with a new Stig who is sort of in the master class, isn't he? - I've just been out in that C63.
- He is an extremely good Extraordinarily good driver.
He's quicker than Lewis Hamilton and Nigel Mansell and Mark Webber.
The funny thing is, when you're talking to him We'd gone outside, had a bit of dinner and chatting away, I said, "What are you gonna have? "Are you gonna have the ribs and the coleslaw?" And you suddenly find you're talking to this guy with this screen.
And then what happens, he lifts it up for a bit of air and then you start doing that, trying to look underneath at who it is.
And then he goes and shuts it again.
He's just filtering out the carbon dioxide.
He runs on pure nitrogen.
- Anyway, he coached you? - He did.
He did.
You had your nine laps.
There's no point this week saying, "Where do you think you've come?" He did.
Oh Cos you want to be here, don't you? I don't I don't What can I say but, "Yes! Yes! Yes!" - More than the next Grammy? - Yes! D'you know I mean, d'you know D'you know People stop me in the street and go, "When are you back on Top Gear? "When are you gonna beat Simon Cowell?" Don't give a (Bleep) about the music.
- Well, let's get on with it, then! - No, no.
Simon Cowell - Aaagggghhhhh! - (Laughter) That's what Simon Cowell's doing at home now.
"No!" - Who wants to see his lap? - Oh, God! - (All) Yes! - Roll the tape.
All right.
Nice start.
This is the one.
I must beat Mr.
Codpiece.
(Laughter) You see - (Jay Kay) 0h, it's scrubbingl - Scrubbing a bit but not too much.
(Growls) Why are we angry? Cos it's a gutless piece of American (Bleep) and I hate it! Come on, let's start shaving little, tiny little bits of Gordon Ramsay Parmesan cheese off this (Bleep).
(Jeremy) As Gordon Ramsay is third, of course.
- Turn in, you pillockl - No, you're in, you're in.
- Just - Come on, come onl (Jeremy) I'd have done that tighter round there, personally.
Come on, come on, come on.
You really are a gutless bit of Yankee (Bleep).
Honestly.
(Laughter) You're cutting that corner.
We allow that because it's slipperier there.
Aggghh! There's a man determined.
- That - Go on, get in therel That is about as good as I've ever seen anyone do the second-to-last corner.
- Through Gambon.
- Come onl Come onl (Cheering) Oh, no! No! I can't take it! D'you know, I was sitting there yesterday, I thought, "Top Gear tomorrow.
" I'm watching The Right Stuff, which I really enjoy.
"Sod it.
Get to bed.
And make sure you're fresh as a daisy for this.
" - What, you had an early night? - I had an early night, yeah.
- So that you'd be capable of doing that.
- So I'd be capable of doing this.
- Well, what I've got here - Oh This is the piece of paper just been given to me by the producer - with all your nine laps.
- It just isn't important, this, is it? I mean, there are more important things going on in the world.
This is not important.
- Right - But it is important.
- So, your fastest lap of the nine - Oh, Christ.
What is it there? - What was he? 1:40 - 1:45.
9.
- 1:45.
9.
- Come on.
Surely it's Your fastest lap I hate this.
I watch other people I'm not supposed to be doing this! - I'm supposed to watch other people - 40 Oh 6.
2 - Agghhh! - (Groaning) (Bleep) was your second was your second fastest lap.
(Audience) Ohh! (Bleep) - You don't know - (Bleep) - (Whistling) - (Bleep) Ahh - All I wanna do - 1:46.
2 was your second fastest.
- Please let me pull out a fat - You did another 1:46.
2.
- A 1:48.
2, too.
- Yeah, that was when I Yeah, but that was when I'd got the wrong gear.
- 1:47, 1:48.
- Oh.
And then, on lap eight That will be your quickest.
Well, you've got 1:45.
9 to beat.
I can't 5 - Yeah.
point 8.
- (Wild cheering) (Whistling) Come on! Come on! Come on! - Fantastic.
- Well done.
Brilliant.
Ladies and gentlemen, Jay Kay, the new number one! Thank you! - Fantastic.
- Beautiful.
Thank you.
Ah! It was a 1:45.
81.
You can take that home if you want, and frame it.
- Cheers.
- (Man) Who's the daddy? - Who's the daddy now? - Not Simon Cowell! (Laughter) So, we're back in the autumn and the first guest, I'm guessing, will be - Simon Cowell! Simon Cowell.
- (Laughter) - Brilliant.
Ladies and gentlemen, it has been a huge pleasure.
New number one.
- Jay Kay! - Thank you very much.
Now there's a new TV show in Germany.
It's all about cars and it's hosted by three people.
I can't imagine where they got that idea from.
- (Laughter) - No idea.
Anyway, they got in touch with us and they invited us to take them on in a series of races and challenges.
Now, obviously, we needed somewhere to stage this.
Yes, I suggested we did it in the skies over southern England.
- (Laughter) - In fact, we settled on Belgium, which was a country invented so that Britain and Germany would have somewhere to sort out their differences.
Yeah.
And on that point, the producers told us, "Now, listen, you're representing the BBC.
"You can't just turn up and go on about the war.
" (Jeremy) The meet was set for 9am at Belgium's second-best-known racetrack, Zolda.
And at precisely nine o'clock our German rivals arrived in their impressive German cars.
(Speaking German) In fact, we were not late.
We were simply arriving in style.
Come on, Biggles.
Come on, Algy.
(Clipped accent) We're on our own, we're playing for time and it's running out.
- Think we might have overdone this.
- Oh, it could be worse.
We could have come in the back of Bobby Charlton.
- Jeremy! Hi.
- How are you? Good to see you.
How are you? But to be honest, we were a bit nervous.
Sure, they had a jolly man in a suit.
He's called Carston von Ryssen and he has no racing experience at all.
But then they also had Tim Schrick, a touring-car driver.
And Sabine Schmitz, the Nürburgring specialist.
And they were up against us lot.
The first challenge had been dreamed up by the Germans.
It's called double-decker racing and the idea is very simple - the car on the bottom has a throttle, brakes and gears but no steering wheel, because that's fitted to the car on the top.
Now, because there are only three presenters on each side and you need eight people to operate the four cars, each team is allowed to get someone from their film crew to help out.
And that's a problem for the Germans because, while they have a sound recordist, a cameraman and a director, he is the same man.
So their coverage of this race is gonna look like this.
Mind you, it's not that brilliant for us, cos although we have a very large film crew er there was only one volunteer to sit above me.
And, if I'm honest, it's not the one I would have picked.
Still, he is very brave.
He once fought a shark.
He lost.
But anyway We do six laps.
- And we have six white stripes.
- OK.
If you finish the first one, you take one off.
- James.
- Yeah? - Will you promise to use the throttle? - Yes.
And not just the brake.
It's a bit odd, not having a steering wheel.
These Metros had quite good steering, so this is a good way round to do it.
- It doesn't make any difference, you idiot.
- No, the steering's done by the Metro.
I know, but you're steering the Jag.
The good thing here is they've got Golfs on the roof.
Now, Golfs are heavy.
Metros are made out of snakeskin.
Right here we go.
Yes! Oh, hang on, Jamie! We've got an early lead! Yeah! We're already at the back! (Jeremy) Jesus, that's going to roll over if we're not careful.
At the end of lap one the German system was working well.
Whereas, in the Metro squadron No! No! What are you doing? Left! Left! Left! Not (James) Left! Smooth! (Jeremy) Right! Right! Then there was a complete communication breakdown.
Oh! (Yells) - Whaa! - Whoa! Left! Left! The Germans were now first and second.
It's a disaster! And then there was another one.
My wingmen went mad.
Take 'em on the inside.
Whoa! No! No! No! No! No! No! - What the hell have you done that for? - What d'you mean? - That was your fault! - How could it be my fault? You're on the bloody steering! James and Richard think it's all over.
And they're right.
- It's your fault.
- Rubbish.
You steered into the gravel.
It's designed to stop Formula 1 cars.
How the hell did you think a Jaguar with a Metro on its roof? (James) This was our darkest hour.
We're being annihilated! With us out, all we could hope was that Jeremy and Kiff the soundman would race on, cleanly and fairly.
Ram him! Ram! Go, Kiff! Yes, they've gone wrong! Kiff, we've got 'em! Tim Schrick was not just off, he was out.
Now it was just us versus Sabine and the man in a suit.
Help yourself, Kiff.
There's no fighter escort.
Up the inside! Baff! Yes! Go, Kiff! They've gone down! Oh! (Yells) Good, Carston! That's perfect! Keen to defend his country and his job on Top Gear, Kiff made a bold move.
That's given them something to think about.
It also gave us something to think about.
(Kiff) Jeremy! Jeremy! My arm's come off! - What? - My arm's come off! Nobody's ever said that in a car race before! We were now on the last lap.
Go up the inside, Kiff! Go on! Ooh, they're nearly in the gravel! No! No! No! No! This is quite difficult now, Jeremy.
What? Oh, no, it's the finish! No! No! No! I've let Britain down! Oh, no! Hopefully, though, we could redeem ourselves in the next challenge.
Who makes the fastest cars? The Axis powers or the Allies? - You came up with one, didn't you? - Yes.
You haven't thought it through, have you? I did.
It's brilliantly simple.
It's just a drag race.
Let's meet the contenders.
On their side, from Germany, the highly modified Porsche 9FF.
From Italy, the Lamborghini Murciélago.
That's the LP640 version.
From Japan, the Mitsubishi Evo X.
That's the FQ-360.
Yes, that's theirs.
And now ours.
Our side.
From England, and driven by Wing Commander Bunny Hammond, is the Ariel Atom, the supercharged version.
And then from America - I was thinking of you here, Corporal - is the Callaway Corvette, also supercharged.
And, like I was saying, you haven't thought it through.
- Well - Let me guess, James.
New Zealand makes a V16 rocket car - that somehow we don't know about.
- They don't.
(James) However, India was on our side.
So, whilst I waited for one of their cars to turn up, I sent the others off to neuter the 250mph Porsche.
And they decided it would have trouble putting its 1,000 horsepower down off the line.
So, what we need is a really short race.
If the race is quarter of a mile, this is still going to be sitting here spinning its wheels.
Right, you're gonna love this.
There are rules and regulations - you like that sort of thing - concerning a drag race, - and they are always a quarter of a mile.
- No, no, no, no.
- No, it is.
That's - We drive kilometer.
- At least one kilometer.
- Why don't we If you say a quarter of a mile, everybody knows what that is because it's the standard measure.
- "Half-kilometer burger, please.
" No! - It's a quarter-pounder.
And you have a quarter-mile drag race.
- It's the British way.
- Let's do it.
(Jeremy) With the 9FF hopefully out of it, my attention turned to the Lamborghini.
(Revving) What I'm hoping, praying, is that being Italian, it changes sides halfway down.
As we got ready, James's Indian car finally turned up.
Supercharged.
Supercharged.
Charged.
James, don't forget to turn your traction control off, mate.
Cock.
I've just remembered the Australians.
They do that VXR thing.
Lofty Hammond got a lightning start.
This is unbelievable acceleration! The Atom and the Atom would clearly win, but who'd come second? - Come on! - Come on.
The Lambo's got me! But could I hold off that monstrous Porsche? Yesl Yeah! That is ours! That is ours! (Jeremy) Ha-ha! Ha-ha! - So - Yeah.
how do you feel now? So we were first Let's just say that again.
Just make it clear.
- First - First - First.
- First.
- Third.
- First.
- And last.
- Well, you say "last" Sixth.
There's a symmetry to that.
We have first and last.
The two most significant places in a drag race are owned by us.
We own the whole territory now.
You won the double-deckers.
We've got some points back.
(James) The drag race marked the end of the team challenges.
From now on, it would be one on one.
Now, for this event, Germany will be represented by Ring Mistress, racing driver, Sabine Schmitz.
We will be represented by that.
Anyway, the cars.
Each team must bring something small, reasonably priced and from their own country, so we've come up with this.
It's a Mini Cooper S.
Sabine, what have you got? - I've got that car.
- What? The Golf? No.
The Mini Cooper, of course.
- Weren't you listening? - It's German.
- From your own country.
- It's not German.
- It's German.
- You can't get more British than a Mini.
- That is It's - Alec Issigonis.
How much more of a British name is there than Issigonis? Apart from Patel.
- Put a Union Jack on the roof.
- British, British.
OK, so we're in the same cars.
We'll just let them do it.
(Richard) So, the International Small Car Challenge.
And it goes like this.
Slalom through the Ming vases.
Steering is so easy! Whaaa! Reverse into the garage of priceless crockery.
Then take a J-turn penalty which, amazingly - Scheisse! the German missed.
Next, drive a figure of eight while a member of the other team shoots at you from a paintball tank.
With one point off for each hit, escape the arena through a tunnel we shall call Dick.
Yay! But then it was Jeremy's turn.
Good luck.
Here we go! So far, not one hit.
That's the ticket.
Oh (Bleep).
(Jeremy) Still, things could only get better.
Whoa! I've scored myself! I only had the figure of eight to redeem myself.
Come on, handbrake! Fire! - Fire! - Awful lot of bullets hitting me here.
And no wonder.
- James, what are you doing? - Shooting at Jeremy.
- But he's on our side! - Yeah, but why wouldn't you? You're right.
You would.
Fire! Go on, through Dick! Yes.
Even that went wrong.
So I was trailing on points.
But I could win some back in the final part of the challenge, a head-to-head, one-lap race round the Zolda circuit.
The winner would be the first one to get their towel on the sunbed.
From a date of destiny She's ahead by what she'd call a meter.
Whoo! She's braking early.
How am I gonna do that? I dived down the inside.
I'm in the lead! I'm not in the lead! (Jeremy) The TV idiot was trying everything to get past.
Come on, Jeremy! This really was a proper race.
I'm not talking.
This matters.
- (Richard) Let him get something right! - (Yelling) Oh, no, no! They've got to get to the beds.
There's no possibility in this environment of beating a German.
- That was feeble, sorry.
- And then you didn't - Were you shooting at me in that tank? - He was, yeah.
He did that.
(Richard) After that debacle we were trailing by nine points.
But I was handling the next challenge and it was to be a shoot-out in my kind of car - the incredible Bowler Nemesis.
naught to 60 six seconds.
Top speed 130 miles an hour.
But, as always with a Bowler, it can do that anywhere on anything.
And better still, my opponent would be the accountant.
- Have you driven a Bowler before? - No.
Good.
Good.
Well, erm, they're terrifying.
- Does he not do any racing? - No.
Never.
- He hasn't got a car.
- No.
He has a license.
That's it.
One driver dislodged his lung when he went too fast.
Yeah.
But you'll be fine.
You'll enjoy it.
Good luck.
It would be a five-lap race over a track that was 60% Tarmac and, thanks to James, 60% gravel.
(Revving) We are off! Come on, mighty Bowler.
But once we hit the dirt, he wouldn't see me for dust.
Yes! More like it! Meanwhile, back at base (James) Sit down, Co-lo-nel.
You're not interested in these, are you? D'you know what? Your mind cannot comprehend of how uninterested I am in things like this.
(Jeremy) Back on track, Hammond couldn't shake the man in a suit off his tail.
He was clearly a (German accent) vurzy adversary.
Keep your foot in, Hammond.
Be brave.
A point Hammond proved moments later.
(Laughs) If you don't get that going, Hammond, for us ze competition iss ofer.
That didn't go well then.
(Richard) This was a race we had to win.
But the VAT man had a big lead.
Oh, this I'm gonna get grief for this now.
This is not good.
Cooler.
Eight veeks.
Where's the track gone? Oh.
- Is he gaining? - He's gaining.
I decided to take him on the outside.
I could have him here.
Yes! Ha-ha! - Well done, then.
- Thank you.
(Jeremy) You know what a bad loser is? Well, Hammond is what's called a bad winner.
Yes! Oh, God.
What do you think of that? Well done.
Congratulate me, then.
I've won.
Did you notice I was first? (Jeremy) After Hammond's modest win, we were trailing by just four points as we went into the last event.
It's a two-lap race of the Zolda circuit.
And it's between a Porsche 911, a racing Porsche 911, which will be driven by professional racing driver, Tim Schrick.
And he will be against an Aston Martin DBRS9, which will be driven by James May.
Do we have to use James? Well, no, you did the Bowler thing, I did the Mini thing.
It's his turn.
But he's gonna lose badly.
(Jeremy) Happily, though, I'd come up with a plan.
- D'you know what I mean? - Clever.
Very clever.
- That's James.
- Yeah.
He's coming for the race.
- He always - He lost 30 kilos in five minutes.
Yeah, he always dresses like this when he drives a racing - James, best of luck, mate.
- James, good luck, mate.
- And his hair.
Who cut his hair? - He wears a hair net.
(Protesting) Don't disturb him when he's focused and in the zone, ready for a race.
He's ice cool.
- This could work.
- Could do.
There's every chance.
(Jeremy) It would be a rolling start.
And because we were four points behind, 'James", who's now warming his tires, look, had to set off four seconds after the Porsche.
The race was on.
- Go, S James! - Go, St James! The simple fact of the matter is this - our young man had to shoot down their young man at the rate of two seconds a lap.
If he does full throttle on the straight, I'm sure it's not Captain Slow.
- Ah, no, on the - You know, we ga That's his nickname.
It's like, you know, we call him Lofty.
It's the opposite.
Towards the end of the first lap, 'James" had closed the gap to just one second.
'James" was driving brilliantly, but then disaster.
He locked up.
He lost ground and then he had the work to do all over again.
Happily, 'James" is no quitter and with half a lap to go he was right back under the Porsche's wing.
With just two corners to go, he made his move.
- I don't wanna see! - I can hear them.
I can hear them both.
Which car would appear first? Which one? The Asto-o-o-on! Stig James! (Cheering and whistling) James.
Some say you saved our bacon.
Others say I was bound and gagged in the locker room.
(Laughter) And on that bombshell, that bouncing bombshell, it's now time to end.
If you are a German and you have any complaints about the film you've just seen, do please feel free to write to us.
- Our address is 1966 - (Laughter) El Alamein Square, London WE1.
(Laughter) Again.
So we'll see you in the autumn.
Thanks so much for watching.
- Take care.
Good night! - (Cheering and applause)