Two and a Half Men s11e06 Episode Script

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Oh oh, my God.
Oh Oh, my God, Jenny! Oh, my God.
Yeah.
Oh Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, Jenny! Give it to me.
Give it to me, Jenny.
Just give it to her already.
Hey.
Hey.
Couldn't sleep, either? No.
Jenny and her friend are crazy in there.
Have you ever made a woman scream like that? Once.
I hit her with my car.
It sounded like Jenny hit her and then backed over her again.
And then hit her, a-and then backed over her again.
And then hit her and then backed over her again.
I counted eight orgasms, not including mine.
Hey, that's my niece.
Oh, yeah, and out of respect to you, I only listened to her friend.
Yeah, me, too.
Hey, how about this weekend we go out and find some women and make 'em scream? In-in your imagination, are they running away from you or towards you? You know what I mean.
Let's go out and find some strange.
I'm looking at some strange.
Besides, I can't.
My mom's got a charity dinner this weekend.
Oh, she's still trying to help the monkeys? Yeah, she's raising money to expand her sanctuary for helpless creatures that nobody else wants.
Kind of like what I do for you.
Will there be any single ladies there looking to use those opposable thumbs? You know, swing on my vine, peel my banana.
Well, there might be a few there that want to throw their poop at you.
Mm, sounds like a good cause; I'll buy a ticket.
They're a thousand dollars apiece.
Can I borrow $998? Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
That'll work.
You know what they say: once you go Black & Decker, you never go back.
Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men Ah.
Men.
Hey! Look at you.
Where are you going in that monkey suit? A benefit.
For monkeys.
How do I look? Like you should be on top of a cake.
Let me guess: you're the cake.
No, I'm the one that gets to blow out the candle.
Oh, when did we install a mirror in here? Tell the truth, Berta, you ever seen two better-looking guys? No.
Yes.
Oh.
That must be my date.
Hi, honey.
You look amazing.
Oh, you look so handsome.
Wow, nice job, Walden.
Where'd you two meet? Kind of a "meet cute.
" I shot out of her.
Jenny, this is my mom, Robin.
Mom, this is my new roommate, Jenny.
Oh, well, it's a pleasure to meet you.
Alan, does this mean you finally moved out? No, no, no, Jenny's my niece.
She's staying in Jake's room.
Well, I have my charity, you have yours.
I can see where Walden gets his pretty face.
Aren't you sweet? He's single, you know.
I know.
Are you? Okay.
All right, let's go save some monkeys.
Really? Hey, just 'cause you came out of it doesn't mean I don't want to get into it.
They call these martinis? The only thing they're saving the monkeys from are DUI's.
You like that one? No, I was just picturing a drunk monkey driving a car.
Walden.
Mm.
Oh.
That woman with your mom looks just like Lynda Carter.
That is Lynda Carter.
Really? Wait, wait, T-TV's Wonder Woman? The jewel of Paradise Island? The-the shining crusader for justice and star-spangled hot pants? I-I just call her Lynda.
And I just lost the cleaning deposit on this tux.
Walden.
Lynda, you look amazing.
Oh, my God.
The last time we saw each other, you barely came up to here.
I remember those days.
Introduce me.
Robin, you told me he was successful, but you didn't tell me how gorgeous he is.
Well, it takes a gorgeous person to know one.
No, it doesn't.
I'm Alan.
Hi.
This is Alan Harper.
He lives with Walden.
Oh, well, it's lovely to meet you.
My gay fans have always been my biggest supporters.
Oh, oh, no, no, I-I'm not gay.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Transgender? I told you the hormones weren't working.
He's kidding.
Uh, I-I am very straight.
In fact, the longer I look at you the straighter I become.
Well, if you'll excuse us, I'm gonna start a fund to, um, save Lynda from this conversation.
It's lovely to meet you.
And it was "wonder-ful" meeting you.
That's funny.
I've never heard that one before.
Don't be a stranger.
Okay.
Call me.
What the hell are you doing? Sorry, I just wanted to put my mouth where her mouth was.
And I also wanted to thank you for a lovely evening.
Morning.
Mm.
I got to tell you, you gave me a night that I will never forget.
Don't ever say that to me again.
I'm serious.
Meeting Lynda Carter was one of the greatest moments of my life.
I mean, she was my first celebrity crush.
I had a poster of her that looked like the bottom of a birdcage.
On behalf of Lynda Carter and the rest of humanity yuck.
You know, it's not just about how beautiful she was.
I mean, she's multitalented.
I mean, I had all of her albums, I-I-I've seen everything she's ever done.
How? Were you hiding outside her house in a bush? Lynda Carter's bush.
Hey, you know, she's single.
And? And? Set me up with her.
Can't I just get you a new poster? I'll laminate it.
Come on, come on.
I-I-I have been in love with Lynda Carter for my whole life, and because you know her and I know you, I actually have a shot.
I mean, this is fate.
This is probably why my brother died.
You said fate killed your brother so you could get that espresso machine.
Come on! I'll see what I can do.
Really? Yeah.
Just don't get your hopes up.
Oh, of course not.
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the dance floor, for the first time as man and wife Mr.
and Mrs.
Lynda Carter.
Okay, great.
All right, we'll see you soon.
Hey.
Was that her? Who? Wonder Woman! For your friend, Alan Harper! What are you doing? Oh, it's the Wonder Woman theme song.
Wonder Woman! You're a wonder, Wonder Woman! Not familiar.
You should be, 'cause it's Kind of awesome! I was ordering a pizza.
I haven't had a chance to talk to her yet.
Why not? Does your word mean nothin'? You know what, uh, to be perfectly honest, I I don't know if this is a good idea.
What? Why? What-what's wrong with her? Is she crazy? I like crazy.
You met Lyndsey-- that bitch is cuckoo.
No, there's-there's nothing wrong with her.
So what's the problem? She's Lynda Carter.
And? And you're Alan Harper! Oh.
Oh, I get it.
You don't think I'm good enough for her.
Oh, no, it's not that.
No, no, no, no, no, it's fine, it's fine.
Just out of curiosity, who am I good enough for? Lots of people.
Well, name one.
Okay, how about how about the-the the barista at the coffee place.
The hot blonde, Vanessa? Oh, God, no.
No, I'm I'm I'm talking about the other one.
The only other one is Miguel.
No.
No, Tracy.
The one with the brown hair.
Coming out of her chin mole.
Okay, then Miguel.
I I can't believe you think so little of me.
It's not that.
Oh, you know what? You know what? This is actually good.
I finally know where I stand with my "friend.
" Okay, Alan And you were gonna be our best man! Yeah, no, he's not good enough for Miguel.
Men.
Hey.
Hey.
You're up early.
Yup.
Crack of dawn.
But, shh, Dawn is still sleeping.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Uh, hey, Jenny, do you have any idea how to get tear stains out of pillows? It's certainly not more tears, because I tried that.
Have you tried spraying some desperate cry for attention on it? You want some coffee? Why, yes, I would.
Oh, uh, Walden, is there some uglier coffee that might be more appropriate for me? All right.
Alan, you're being ridiculous.
Hey, sticks and stones may break my bones, but thanks to you, I'll never bone Lynda Carter.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I will breakfast alone in my room.
What's wrong with Auntie Alan? She's pouting 'cause I won't set her up with Lynda Carter.
Why not? Because, it's Lynda Carter.
Right.
And who's Lynda Carter? Lynda Carter is an actress.
Oh.
And she makes you say her whole name? She doesn't make you, it's just something you do when people reach icon status.
So why won't you set Alan up with her? She's out of his league.
What league is she in? Well, among others, the Justice League.
All right, I have no idea what you're talking about, so let me just ask you a question.
Is Alan good enough to be your friend? Of course.
So then why isn't he good enough for her? Okay, that's not fair.
There are a lot of women that Alan is not good enough for.
Don't you think she should decide who she can go out with? Hmm.
That's actually a good point.
Hang on, one second, is this Lynda Carter? Uh-huh.
Yeah, Alan's not good enough for her.
Alan.
Yeah? Are you decent? Not by your standards.
Okay, I'm coming in.
What do you want? If it's self-esteem you're after, there's none here.
I was wrong.
It is not my place to decide who you can or cannot date.
No, no, it's fine.
Uh, actually, I'm making a list of the people you shouldn't date.
Uh, Number one: Anyone with a heart.
Okay, you know, I deserve that.
And number two, Taylor Swift, because she will write a song about you called "Back-Stabbing Dream Killer.
" Okay, well, if you will let me, I would like to make it up to you.
I invited my mother and Lynda over for dinner tomorrow night.
So, you are free to ask her out yourself.
If you're joking, I swear to God I will pack my things and you will never see me again.
I was joking.
So was I.
You're not just doing this out of pity, are you? Don't answer, I don't care.
You're a good friend.
So are you.
And, again, I'm sorry.
Thank you.
Okay.
Oh, and, and, a little tip: when Lynda's here, just try not to act like a crazy fan.
I got it.
No, no, seriously, like, if, if you want a shot with her you need to treat her like she's a normal person.
And, and you should pretend to be one, yourself.
It's not a problem.
Until tomorrow.
All right, I'm out of here.
Dinner's in the oven and the wine's chilling.
Oh, thank you.
No, I was talking about at my house.
Oh, oh, uh, uh, before you go, um, uh, uh, which is my good side? What? I'm trying to figure out where to sit at dinner.
I-I want my good side facing Lynda.
All right.
Turn to your left.
Okay.
Now turn to your right.
Okay.
Turn around.
Perfect.
Who hurt you, Berta? Oh, uh Ooh, uh, just in case.
Oh, God, it burns! What did I say about acting like a normal person? That was before I got mint spray in Little Alan's eye.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Oh, hey, you two look beautiful.
Oh, it's great to see you again, Walden.
And don't forget about me.
Oh, don't worry, I haven't.
Okay, you can let go now.
Well, I'm glad you two could make it.
Wow, this is quite the place.
Thank you.
Single guy living at the beach, you must do well with the ladies.
I do okay, but this guy is the real charmer.
Blink twice if you're being held against your will.
Well, it's, it's true, in my youth I was a bit of a, a rapscallion.
A rake.
A gadabout.
A g-gadabout? What have you.
Yeah, but that was in your past, right? And now you're just a normal, regular guy? Yeah, that's right, that's right.
I'm just a, a normal, regular guy looking for a crazy little thing called love.
Crazy little thing called love What's that I hear? Is that the lovely voice of triple-threat Lynda Carter? Actress, singer, dancer? Wait a second, do I smell mint? Yes, and it's not coming from my mouth.
Oh ,uh, uh, would you mind signing it "From a Wonder Woman to a Super Man"? How about "best wishes"? That works.
Hey, you know, I'll, I'll bet you could make a lot of money traveling around and signing at conventions and stuff.
I'm not a big fan of travel.
Yeah, not to mention the weirdos you'd meet.
Ugh.
You don't have to tell me, I mean, I-I've talked to a lot of them on the Wonder Woman message boards.
Freaks! Alan? Hmm? I'm pretty sure Lynda didn't come here just to sign things.
Oh, of course, of course.
Sorry, I just, you know, I, I geeked out a bit.
Oh, that's okay.
You can't imagine how often I get roped into these kinds of conversations.
Roped? Or lassoed? Oh, God.
He's gonna tie her up and throw her in a van.
No, no.
This is an original Wonder Woman Lasso of Truth.
I-I got it at Comic Con '88.
Yeah, back when only the really cool people went.
Whoever is wearing the lasso must tell the truth.
Is this the best night of my life? It is.
Are you completely oblivious to social cues? You are.
Oh, oh, would you mind posing with it so I can snap a quick picture? Enough.
Mm-hmm? No.
It, it's okay.
Let's just take the picture.
Oh great, great.
Oh, crud.
The memory's full.
Uh, uh, let me just delete a few.
Good-bye, Jake.
Good-bye, Jake.
Oh, kitty, hang in there.
Good-bye, Jake.
Okay, would you like to Yes! Hurry back.
It's going well, isn't it? I have chimps smarter than you.
I'm really sorry about tonight.
Oh, it's okay.
He's harmless.
He is harmless, right? Yeah, he's harmless, clueless, homeless.
He's pretty much "less.
" Still, I'm glad I came over.
It's really good to see you again.
Yeah, it's good to see you, too.
And you look amazing.
Or, should I say, "wonder-ful.
" See? When you do it, it's cute.
Oh, uh, Jenny, this is Lynda Car Lynda freakin' Carter.
Nice to meet you.
Jenny is Alan's niece.
Ah, well, I won't hold that against you.
Beautiful and funny.
Aren't you sweet.
Oh, I can be way sweeter.
Or less, if that's what you're into.
Hmm.
You still like wearing cuffs? Okay.
All right, uh, Jenny, isn't your bedroom that way? What he said.
See? I told you the gays really like me.
I'm sorry.
I, I, I actually, I do have to ask: does Alan have a shot with you? That Alan? You do know I'm Lynda freakin' Carter, right? Okay.
Asked and answered.
It seems that everyone in this house wants to be with me except the one that I want.
Yeah.
Wait, what? Okay, I made room for Betrayal! Dude, seriously? No wonder you brought her out here.
Oh! God, I'm so angry I forgot to emphasize the word "wonder.
" Alan, it's not what you think.
Oh, really? 'Cause I'm thinking you're kissing Lynda Carter.
What is going on? Oh, I'll tell you what's going on.
Your son, my ex-friend, still roommate, just double-crossed me.
Alan, you're embarrassing yourself.
Oh, am I? Okay, I'm not gonna do this.
Oh, aren't you? Okay, that's it.
Oh, this is about to really suck.
Morning.
Morning.
Listen, uh, about last night Let's just drop it.
Fair enough.
Again, I-I am very sorry.
I got it.
Mo-Moving on.
I know you would never intentionally try to hurt me.
We're past it.